Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I'm older, and I'm concerned about what my life will be like once I come out. I know that for 1-2 years after I come out I will likely live alone.

It has been a long time since I lived alone. Is it ok to be alone?

I mean I'm just scared, I think I'll be fine but I'm not so sure...

Well there's alone and there is lonely. Two different things. You can be alone and not lonely, and you can be with people and still feel lonely. Being lonely is the the thing you want to avoid as it leads to depression and an unsupported environment for transition. Obviously that is not an ideal scenario for transition but people, unfortunately, do it all the time.

That said, unless you have an actually really real crystal ball there's no way you know for sure your fate is to be alone. You suspect that may be the case but that is ultimately up to you...

I presume you expect friends and family will abandon you or shun you. Don't write them off so readily and don't fixate on a possible future that may never happen. Live in the now and take each day at a time. Transition is a long process and that gives you plenty of opportunity to steer the process in a more positive direction.

*hugs*

Here are a few materials that could help:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,197523.msg1756901.html#msg1756901

Well its difficult to say how people react.
Its possible people come around.

And there are gender therapists, and support groups.

Its also possible you have a feeling you come more to like yourself.

So its not said you will be alone.


*hugs*

I see my family 2-3 times a year. my life is with my partner who is gonna leave me. There is no question about that.

So I will be alone.

I have lots of things to occupy my life, I'm usually alone right now even in my relationship, but I DO look forward to seeing my partner every day, I care deeply for them. but I know the right thing to do is if they want to go, to not fight it and let them.

Quote from: crystalwishes on April 02, 2016, 05:42:02 PM
I see my family 2-3 times a year. my life is with my partner who is gonna leave me. There is no question about that.

So I will be alone.

I have lots of things to occupy my life, I'm usually alone right now even in my relationship, but I DO look forward to seeing my partner every day, I care deeply for them. but I know the right thing to do is if they want to go, to not fight it and let them.

Well how do you know about your partner ? Did they say so ?


*hugs*

yes and they said they don't understand it, but understand its real and then basically said that "I only live once" and I should live my authentic life, they just can't be with a woman.

I should share we have kids, and were planning a future with trips and more and now all that is over now that I've dropped the T bomb. Consequently, they are pretty cold when they talk to me. I can tell they are heart broken and also see this as a big waste. Waste of time that is lost to her, and waste of energy put into a relationship that is now gonna be over.  And I'm worried that living my "authentic life" is costing me everything and I will be alone and possibly lonely. again I'm older so I don't exactly go out, or hit clubs or anything like that, I stay home mostly :)

That is definitely a common response from a partner. They do sometimes come around but that is not common. In that case, if you want to transition you need to work out how you navigate that, how you survive their absence from your life and how to ensure you don't end up lonely.

Thanks I agree I'm very scared right now about this decision and situation. I should share we have kids, and were planning a future with trips and more and now all that is over now that I've dropped the T bomb. Consequently, they are pretty cold when they talk to me. I can tell they are heart broken and also see this as a big waste. Waste of time that is lost to her, and waste of energy put into a relationship that is now gonna be over.  And I'm worried that living my "authentic life" is costing me everything and I will be alone and possibly lonely. again I'm older so I don't exactly go out, or hit clubs or anything like that, I stay home mostly, go to ocassional move, I hike, and read a lot and I work.

The suck part is that we were so good together, and I WANT to be with her, just as my authentic self (a woman) and she can't have that. so..yup I'm gonna be alone, and she will be alone with kids, and I'll get custody visits on the weekends. But I get to finally be genuine, but will I be crying all the time and alone...that's what scares me.

I can't speak to relationships ending due to transition as I was single when I chose to start the process. I am 50 and while I do not think of myself as alone I am still single but have many supportive friends. But I had to work for that and do not take it for granted. If I find myself feeling lonely I reach out and organise something.

Quote from: crystalwishes on April 02, 2016, 06:09:11 PM
Thanks I agree I'm very scared right now about this decision and situation. I should share we have kids, and were planning a future with trips and more and now all that is over now that I've dropped the T bomb. Consequently, they are pretty cold when they talk to me. I can tell they are heart broken and also see this as a big waste. Waste of time that is lost to her, and waste of energy put into a relationship that is now gonna be over.  And I'm worried that living my "authentic life" is costing me everything and I will be alone and possibly lonely. again I'm older so I don't exactly go out, or hit clubs or anything like that, I stay home mostly, go to ocassional move, I hike, and read a lot and I work.

The suck part is that we were so good together, and I WANT to be with her, just as my authentic self (a woman) and she can't have that. so..yup I'm gonna be alone, and she will be alone with kids, and I'll get custody visits on the weekends. But I get to finally be genuine, but will I be crying all the time and alone...that's what scares me.

Do you have a gender therapist ? She might accompany you and they might explain to her. And its a step by step process. Maybe you could do this together. Its not only the end result.


*hugs*

Right now her stance is there is no way for us to stay together and she needs to leave. Its pretty much solid. I have a gender therapist I see alone.

I'm a good person, I work I pay my bills I love my kids, etc. but I have been a liar (hiding this), and I'm not trustworthy to her, and more serious to my wife is that  I'm not a "guy or dude" anymore to her and that's what she is into. I agree it could turn around, but I doubt it. So now I'm staring at being alone for a while.  Its fine.

Quote from: crystalwishes on April 02, 2016, 06:37:52 PM
Right now her stance is there is no way for us to stay together and she needs to leave. Its pretty much solid. I have a gender therapist I see alone.

I'm a good person, I work I pay my bills I love my kids, etc. but I have been a liar (hiding this), and I'm not trustworthy to her, and more serious to my wife is that  I'm not a "guy or dude" anymore to her and that's what she is into. I agree it could turn around, but I doubt it. So now I'm staring at being alone for a while.  Its fine.

She is being emotional imo.
She feels distrustful. If you could arrange for a setting with the therapist maybe they could explain... that transgender people might have a feeling of shame and thus may have some restraints talking first... and that its simply not your fault. Its biological.
Some people explain it like a twin .. they will be like their female twin ...


*hugs*

Ready for this big step? Its a new chapter in your life and all that comes with it. Good and the bad as far as what you want and the reactions of others in your family. If its your final decision then its gonna happen. If its what you have to do, do it.
Humans are the most adaptable creatures on the planet that goes for the family and you as well. So you will be fine.
I myself love solitude, helps me think and helps in my work. So I am alone allot and do get lonely. So breaks in between sessions I amuse myself with other things. Get out do something different meet different people. This breaks it up for me. Einstein even said he was lonely. He was surrounded by colleague and students all the time.  So that is true that was stated in a preview post. You can be lonely and not be alone.

Quote from: Laura_7 on April 02, 2016, 06:42:00 PM
She is being emotional imo.
She feels distrustful. If you could arrange for a setting with the therapist maybe they could explain... that transgender people might have a feeling of shame and thus may have some restraints talking first... and that its simply not your fault. Its biological.
Some people explain it like a twin .. they will be like their female twin ...
*hugs*

Thats true and she has a right to be. I totally am understanding of the train wreck realization this is for her. I would love for her to come to peace and make the decision to stay, but its been pretty clear to me so far that she wants to go, and it won't be possible for her to stay in the scenario where I go on HRT, and all that.

Quote from: Karen6-10inheels on April 02, 2016, 07:32:00 PM
Humans are the most adaptable creatures on the planet that goes for the family and you as well. So you will be fine.
I myself love solitude, helps me think and helps in my work. So I am alone allot and do get lonely. So breaks in between sessions I amuse myself with other things. Get out do something different meet different people. This breaks it up for me. Einstein even said he was lonely. He was surrounded by colleague and students all the time.  So that is true that was stated in a preview post. You can be lonely and not be alone.

Thanks, I think that's true that even people surrounded by people can be alone. Yet, I just can't imagine our house being empty and quiet (no kids playing). I can't imagine what it will be like to sell this home and move to an apartment by myself. but I will.  I am transgender, it is out on the table, the question now is what my wife wants to do, I don't have control of that.

Quote from: crystalwishes on April 02, 2016, 07:57:02 PM
Thanks, I think that's true that even people surrounded by people can be alone. Yet, I just can't imagine our house being empty and quiet (no kids playing). I can't imagine what it will be like to sell this home and move to an apartment by myself. but I will.  I am transgender, it is out on the table, the question now is what my wife wants to do, I don't have control of that.

Women are often emotinal.
If she is basing this on a feeling of distrust she can make no unbiased decision.

Imo a talk with a gender therapist could help. They could explain from a professional point of view what gender dysphoria means and what transgender means. So she can make a better biased decision.


*hugs*

Not to put a dampener on that, even if she does come to a better understanding of what it means to be trans and why you kept it from her before now, if she sees herself as attracted to men, heterosexual, then it may still result in her departure from the relationship. The positive aspect though is that you could still remain friends as a result of the process.

Crystal,
I am no expert on your situation and people seem to be offering good thoughts. That said, I think that if you do end up living by yourself, you should be very careful not to isolate yourself. This could be a natural response on your part. First of all, you did not ask to face gender issues. It was a gift "bestowed" on you. You didn't go to the gender store and say, "I think I'll take transgender. Do you take Visa?" You have no reason to feel guilty.

Loss of some things can be devastating. If you give in to the loss, it can be very depressing. If you handle it as a change, I see it being a better situation. This would mean finding the new things in your life to be positive about. A support group, a new hobby, just some way to stay involved so you stay upbeat and living your life. Find new, supportive people. They can't replace someone you lose, but they can make a difference in your life in another way.

As for your family, don't give up on them. I picture how I would feel if my father was transgender. I think it would knock me off my feet for awhile. I would still love that person but it would take some time to adjust. I would continue to try to respect and love your family. It is all you can do. You only have control of how you act. If you handle yourself with class, it is something you can be proud of.

Hope this doesn't sound preachy! I am sorry you are in this painful situation. Maybe this could help in some small way.
Moni

Quote from: HappyMoni on April 03, 2016, 04:48:22 AM
Crystal,
I am no expert on your situation and people seem to be offering good thoughts. That said, I think that if you do end up living by yourself, you should be very careful not to isolate yourself. This could be a natural response on your part. First of all, you did not ask to face gender issues. It was a gift "bestowed" on you. You didn't go to the gender store and say, "I think I'll take transgender. Do you take Visa?" You have no reason to feel guilty.

I had not considered this a gift, though it has illuminated my self. My understanding of self.  But I like that view of it, just like I like the idea of "the twin" mentioned earlier. It helps. I'm working through it all with her, today is more peaceful than yesterday. She pointed out that she wants to have some cosmetic surgery as she gets older and it would be unfair for her to do it, but not allow me to do what I want. Another reason she believes we should split up.

being alone is very scary for me, this is still working itself out, right now I'm giving it patience and her space and time to think about the big picture.  I'm sure we will split, but you never know... I am more than my genitals as someone on another thread once said.

Quote from: Ms Grace on April 03, 2016, 03:08:30 AM
Not to put a dampener on that, even if she does come to a better understanding of what it means to be trans and why you kept it from her before now, if she sees herself as attracted to men, heterosexual, then it may still result in her departure from the relationship. The positive aspect though is that you could still remain friends as a result of the process.

That is true and what I would want. I would want for us to not be in a rush to get away from each other but help each other to move on and be in a safe place. I think she would want that too.

Crystal,

I went through the same experience. It was painful, tragic, epic. It was the most horrible experience of my life. I didn't feel that way for myself... but for her. I did everything I could to make her life better. I gave her everything I had and paid extra child support. We came to be best friends for the next couple of decades. I didn't see her much but we talked on the phone a few times each week. She remarried quickly to a fine man. She came through it okay.

Eventually we drifted apart but I still see her once or twice a year... and we live 800 miles apart. I don't go see her but manage to run into her at family events or with the kids. Stuff like that. No one can underplay what this does to a family, especially when two people care so much for each other. My children have had a very difficult time dealing with this as they have grown up. They were estranged for a while but we are getting to know each other again. My daughter still has a huge obstacle to overcome with her strong religious convictions with the Mormon church.

I did marry and I was with my special someone for 24 years. 18 months ago he told me he had found a 'real woman' to love and wanted a divorce. So, the shoe was on the other foot for me. It was a crushing blow. But I'm working through it and even though I cry my eyes out every night, I can now get through each day without dwelling on it. So now, I'm sixty years old and alone. I'm also lonely. I do have friends but I live in an area that is so sparsely populated, they are all at least 45 minutes to over an hour away. I'm trying to square away my finances and figure out a way to move to a more populated area. It's a daunting task. My housing situation will drastically change. But I feel the need to be around more people and find social activities.

I do plan on living alone the rest of my life. I see nothing bad about that. The situation may change but quite frankly, I just can't see myself living with someone else and sharing my space with them. After living alone for the past several months, I've learned to cherish my own space. I need not worry about offending someone for any reason. I quite like it.

In any case, don't worry about the long term. If you have decided to do this, focus on the next steps in your transition. Make sure you can keep a job and support your kids. Do what you can to maintain your relationship with them. Perhaps your spouse will learn to trust you again. It can happen.

My best to you,
Cindi

Cindi thank you for sharing part of your story. *Hugs*

how old were you when you came out to your wife and the world?

Quote from: crystalwishes on April 04, 2016, 05:45:25 PM
Cindi thank you for sharing part of your story. *Hugs*

how old were you when you came out to your wife and the world?

I was 28 or 29, from what I recall. And I didn't come out really, I was found out. I was the ultimate chicken. Had no one made such a big deal about it, I might have just trundled on in an unfulfilled life. The backlash really pushed me over the edge since the 'secret' was the only thing that effectively kept my feelings bottled. Back then, I had no clue as to what the trans thing was. I just thought I was a perv. It was quite uncommon back in the eighties.