Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I'll admit to feeling a bit self satisfied lately. Two years full time, things are going pretty good in general as some recent posts will attest. And I still am, it's just that days like today can really kick the stuffing out of you.

I had been on a bus, was vaguely aware of this guy off to the side a bit behind me looking at me. He got off at the stop I got off at, I do think it probably was his stop too so I don't think it was stalkery.

He was maybe in his mid thirties, a fair bit overweight but not obese, smart casual clothes. Nothing all that interesting or extraordinary.

Once in the street he comes up to me... here we go.

"Hello, I'm from Queensland (northern Australian state) I'm here on holiday (vacation)."

OK, so far, so good. I presume he might be going to ask me for directions or something. I half smile and say "hi". Then this from him...

"Can I ask, are you transsexual?"

Wow. In my whole two years I've never once been asked that by anyone let alone some jerk on the street.

My response? I looked him in the face and told him to "eff off"...the uncensored version.

He got flustered, "oh I'm sorry I didn't mean to..."

And I think I must have had murder in my eyes, I told to "eff off" again, even more forcefully this time. He turned tail and got his fat backside out of there.

Jerk.

Yeah I was angry and rude, but he was rude first.

I don't care why he was asking. I don't care if he was going to pay me a compliment. I don't care if he was going to tell me he was an "admirer". I don't care if he was going to tell me if he was an ally, or had a trans relative/friend, or even that he was trans too. No one I don't know gets to ask me that.

I actually felt quite calm afterwards, I wasn't shaking or emotional or furious, but wow it really did poop on my day and while I'll be OK I'm still obviously peeved by it. Fortunate I was on my way to see my counsellor and that formed the cherry on top of what I was wanting to talk about anyway.

Some people.

I imagine this came as a bit of a shock..... When it comes out of the blue it probably pretty well knock the wind out of you but I don't think you should be looking at this as a failure of your presentation. Obviously you are doing well look great from what I can see. Some people are just jerks even if they mean no harm by it. My wife has a female co-worker who is 6'3" and rather large and she's been asked a few times if she's trans. Recently in the gym's change room I was asked if I'm sure I'm in the right one. It wasn't asked in a mean manner of with disgust or anything but it still kinda shocked me and didn't quite know what to say. I present male 95% of the time but showering there was a bad idea because on the chest department I seem to have hit the genetic jackpot and when my hair is wet my face really looks more female than Andro.

Sorry to hear you had to go through this but I really hope it will not make you question your presentation.

I don't know maybe because I've had too many  acid trips. but I've been waiting for someone to ask me.. It wouldn't bother me as long as it wasn't done in a ridiculing fashion. For me personally it's like someone asking me if I was a Hippie. It just happens to be what I am.

I probably would have responded with a yes myself and curbed any further questions by being in a hurry. It's an annoying question, yes, but despite the media coverage, not a whole lot of people know anything about us. Most of my family had no idea about all these bathroom laws or how they affect them and me, until I brought it up. I wouldn't want these people that are only educated by bad publicity to have that view of us confirmed because I snapped at someone over a simple question. Not really directing that statement at you, just in general. We're just as capable of producing our own bad publicity as the media is.

I'm a different person than when I started though. The longer I go with this transition, the more I want people to see. We already have bad publicity all over the news, so invisibility isn't really an option anymore as far as I'm concerned. Right now we're just those other people, people that weren't raised right. People like that could never be in OUR family. I think the more people are open about it, the more people will equate us with actual humans. Growing up, nobody in my area knew anybody that was gay. They were just those other people. Now you'd be hard pressed to find a single person that doesn't know at least one person that's gay. I feel like it needs to be that way with us too.

It's not a "simple question."  It's in the same category of intrusiveness as walking up to someone who uses a wheelchair and asking "What happened to you?"  Why on earth would a stranger think it was any of his business? 

I think it also comes out of a particular kind of privilege, one which assumes the right to question or to invade the space of anyone perceived as "lesser."  A not-so-uncommon experience of black people, especially women, in the US is to have a stranger come up to them and ask if they can touch their hair -- or just do it, without even asking.

It's incredibly rude, and I love your response, Grace. Good for you!

Thanks Tysillo, I really needed to hear that.

Emileeeee, while I don't disagree with you I feel there is a time and place for that sort of education process and on a random street corner with a stranger is, for me anyway, not the time or place for it.

I have to say the whole thing has left me feeling very blah today. I'll get over it, probably very soon. But still. Whatever that jerk's intentions in asking may have been - innocent, sleazy or otherwise - he has left me doubting myself and not even wanting to walk outside today. I feel like I have a big sign with flashing lights floating over my head just screaming "LOOK EVERYONE!!! A 'TRANSSEXUAL'!!!!" And I currently have no desire to own that.

Sigh, I'll get over it. I will. :P

He's lucky he didn't get ask or say whatever it was he had intended to since, regardless of what it was, he would have copped much worse vitriol that what I did level at him.

Bravo Ms. Grace. I'm not sure how I would have responded but your response is classic. I think Tysillo hit it on the nose. His mentioning the hair thing reminds me of a time someone touched my hair (the wig). Needless to say he got verbal lashing that night. You were right to do what you did. Hugs
Mariah

Oh Grace! I've just seen this. What a complete ->-bleeped-<- of a person.

No one has any right to ask anyone a personal question, I wouldn't even ask my friend if she was pregnant (even when she was throwing up every ten minutes each morning).

The important thing is not to let this eat at your confidence. That way you let the ignorant win. So get dressed, go for a walk in the lovely park, smell the air and feel the breeze, maybe have a coffee. And celebrate your life.

You are a lovely woman and a dear friend so bury the thoughts of  that ignorant bum who accosted you.

I'm trying to picture someone with an innocent follow up comment after asking that question ... But it seems like it really just sets up a proposition, an insult, or a backhanded compliment.

Nicely done :)


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well, for me there would be two possible solutions to that situation. The first one being would be to walk up to him and bust his mouth open or the other option would be to say yes I am and may God walk with you the rest of your journey. As my life span decreases I tend to prefer the latter.

I was having lunch with a few girlfriends and someone asked me how I would react if a male did something similar. I guess it would depend on the manner it was asked. ....you really are beautiful but something outstanding about you makes me ask this question and I hope it does not offend...

What about a female who asked. ..also how they asked but more flexible.

I understand what you mean... I do think though that it would really depend on the person,now they asked and the circumstances. On a street corner like with that guy probably wouldn't go down awfully well to be honest.

Horrible, stupid people. Well Grace, they can get to ......., in the meantime keep doing what you do! You matter, people like that don't.

You are right Grace. I used to be a really tough alpha male and I still have to hold back that old me...he has not disappeared just inactive. In a street corner, i would not take that comnent well. I would probably have to hold back my agressive tendencies ....

In Bangkok, everyone is so polite ...they don't use swear words and definitely don't make snide comments about tgs.. I understand that our Thai sisters would gang up to help me of I was ever blatantly offended or discriminated.

Purhaps he was trans or questioning but i hope he has learned to be more courteous . I was shopping today in a kmart in Sydney and imagine my surprise when i saw another transwoman shopping as well. As much as i would have loved to say hello i really believe in giving people their space and just wandered off to get more clothes.
Kept running into her so by the time i hit the checkout i felt like a stalker.

I would never approach an assumed transwoman and ask but i wish we had a secret hand signal of some kind.

It doesn't really matter what his intentions were. The question was rude and intrusive. Sadly, you will get a lot of them as a woman. People, especially men, feel entitled to comment or question strange women all the time and sometimes even touch them without asking.
Your response was entirely appropriate and hopefully he learned an important lesson about minding his own business.

I have to say that when I see an obviously trans lady out and about, I want to comment to her. I want to tell her that I admire her courage because I think the world is much harder on trans ladies than on trans masculine folk. I want to tell her that i respect her for her dedication to being herself. If I don't pass (and I don't right now), I am not ridiculed or terribly likely to be threatened with violence...
I want to say those things, but I don't because she deserves to have her space respected. So I smile and nod in typical Canadian greeting and if the situation warrants more interaction, I'll tell her to have a nice day. My 4 year old daughter, who is a fashion diva, has also been known to compliment people's style.


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I guess if my "feedback" to him stops him from ever asking another trans person the same question then it will have been worth it... :P

Truly, some strange guy on the street really shouldn't be asking such a question, I probably might have given the same response

Just glad you're okay

Hugs

Quote from: Ms Grace on April 10, 2016, 12:41:28 AM
I guess if my "feedback" to him stops him from ever asking another trans person the same question then it will have been worth it... :P

Just to be fair... no cisgender individual should have to suffer that question either.

Indeed.

"Excuse me, are you cis sexual?"

Quote from: Ms Grace on April 11, 2016, 12:10:07 AM
"Excuse me, are you cis sexual?"

Same thing as for sexual orientation: "Can I ask, are you heterosexual ?"

I'm different about this. If someone asks me a question like that I tell them no I'm just a woman trying to look her best, I'm not trans anything....it seems to calm them down & makes me feel OK, I do not get upset at all. However it does not happen very often.   Good luck the next time. We cannot stop what ppl ask us, only deal with it in a calm manner then go about our business.

Quote from: Lucie

Quote from: Ms Grace
    "Excuse me, are you cis sexual?"

Same thing as for sexual orientation: "Can I ask, are you heterosexual ?"

I've just realized is that many, perhaps most, cis people don't realize that they even have a gender identity. The other day I was doing a minor edit of a piece someone had written on discrimination, where they had, not knowing any better, used "trangenderism" to refer to the basis of the discrimination, where they should have said "gender identity," in the same way we speak of "race" or "religion" as general attributes which may not be used as the basis for discrimination.

Being cis is so much the default that they're not even aware of it as part of their identity.

To some extent you can understand why, they are by far in the majority. Many trans people haven't even self identified enough to be out about it which "appears" to swell the number of the cis population in the process. When you feel to be in the majority by a significant percentage it is easy to smugly presume you are "normal", often without even realising it.

I'd like to apologize for my angry rant on here. I had a friend turn on me after a year of support and it really messed my day up. A few days away from the forums seems to have calmed my nerves.