Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Yesterday I found out my 16-years-old sister might be a male. I've felt there was something wrong about her (I'm using she/her since she didn't have any official coming out in front of me) since she was 15 but I thought it was some kind of depression young people tend to have, including me. How I found out? I found her Tumblr and it was written in description that she's asexual, demiguy and male. I was worried about it since last August when she cut her hair short but I thought it was just because she's been into kpop boybands and it's some kind of phase and she wants to dress like them because that's what young teenagers do. But then in December I went shopping with her and she  bought an oversize blouse and then again - I thought it was because she was just trying to copy their style. When we were shopping in February because she needed a bra, she didn't want to look for it but just asked me to help her, so I did and she choose the simpliest one. But she didn't seem to feel uncomfortable in the lingerie sections, she was quite excited about some cute pajamas we saw there. And then yesterday she went shopping for more elegant clothes with parents because she has middle school exams in a week. She basically bought clothes that guys from kpop boybands would wear. But she also bought a small bag. When I saw her whole outfit, I was so scared I just said she looked like a boy, and then my parents said she didn't because these clothes were bought in female sections, and then she added that "men don't wear bags". Then she changed topic to something else. And then I decided to look for her tumblr and I found it thanks to her email adress. I was so devastated, still am. I have no idea how to feel about this because I've always been supportive for LGBTQ+ community but when I was her age I was sure I was gay, but now I am 21 and 100% sure I am straight and maybe it's just a phase because she's always been very much into girly stuff. I don't know what to do but I can't leave it like this. I can't tell parents about this because it should be her decision to come out but I feel so alone and lost. I feel like it's my fault because I've known she might be sad or something but even though I thought about talking to her, I've never done this and it's because I'm really mentally weak and can't handle such pression (I had depression and impulsive disorders 3 years ago and had to be hospitlized). And she has been isolating herself from even more for a year, she just sits in her room all the time. I mean she has never been very talkative but now it's really bad. She's just on the internet all the time. Our parents are angry with her because she doesn't want to help with anything at home and she shows a lack of respect to them, and I can see they feel heartbroken because of this. Our parents are amazing, they always try to make us happy and I'd say we're pretty spoiled. But they're quite conservative about such things, especially Dad who isn't very supportive for homosexual people. I remember when my sister told our parents she doesn't believe in God, Mom just started crying. I can't imagine what would happen, if my sister would come out as a FtM to them. Our Mom has anxiety problems which got really bad when my mental health wasn't great and I am also worried about her. I thought I should talk to my sister in a week when her exams are over but I want to tell my parents that maybe something is wrong with her (not that she's trans, just that I feel she might have mental problems), so they would talk to her. I am just scared. We live in Poland, it's a very conservative country which makes it all worse. Please, help me, what to do :(

Hey jw!

Welcome to Susan's  :)  Great to have you here - looking forward to seeing you around the forum.

It's good that you're supportive of LGBTIQ because it sound like your sibling will be in need of support from you when it comes to the crunch. My own sister was all talk and no action on that front when it came to me coming out which was hurtful and disappointing to say the least.

I'd suggest you have a chat with them if you think the two of you can talk without it becoming an argument. Just say: "So... I've seen our tumblr page. Anything you want to talk about because I'm all ears." They can't complain about you finding such a public document. Hopefully that will give them an opening. Don't try to tell them what they should or shouldn't do, just get them to talk about what's going on for them and what they might like to do about that. The worry about that can come later. One step at a time as they say.

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Cheers

Grace

Welcome to Susan's Place. The first thing you must not do is blame yourself. You have no idea how to handle this and you have come to us for help which is more than many people would do. We can't be sure about your sister but I think you are right about what you suspect.

Your sister feels fear of what might happen and shame that she feels this way. She has no idea why she feels this way because she may not understand that she was born this way. She has done nothing wrong and it's not possible for her to change the way she feels. The only thing that will help her is to be accepted by others and to change her external appearance to match the way she feels.

What you can do is limited. Let her know what you think and make her understand that you support her what ever she feels. If she feels safe, she may share with you but if not, she will still know that there is one person who is there to help her. You can also suggest that she joins this site. We have a youth section and we will help her understand what she feels. If she isn't ready to talk, give her time to think it over. This is not a decision that we rush into and it can take us a long time to decide to share what we feel.

If you have additional questions, post them on this thread and we will be notified of your post.

Here are a few resources that could help you and your sibling:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,197523.msg1756901.html#msg1756901

First I'd say don't be too afraid. There are many transgender people, some studies show its one in 40 to one in 400 people.
Transgender people have been around in all cultures.
There are findings it has a biological connection, to do with development before birth.
So its nobodys fault. It just is as it is.

Well its up to you how you want to proceed...
if you want to send them links...
say you know and point them to a few links...
you say you want to think about it a bit more.
I'd say listen to your intuition...

If you have questions just ask ... people are friendly and try to help.


Oh and concerning god:
many people belive in a being of love, just not as is preached by some people with punishments and regs...


*hugs*

I'm not sure I'd let her know that you found her tumblr. Maybe she needs a private space to express herself. But you can demonstrate that you're supportive of trans and nonbinary people when they come up in conversation - for example, because of the bathroom laws in the USA at the moment. That might make her feel more confident in coming out to you on her own terms.

If she's labeling herself as agender and demiguy, that doesn't necessarily mean that she'll wish to medically transition at any point - not all agender or non binary people decide to do so. I would wait until she comes out and find out what kind of support she needs - if it's just that she wants to use neutral or male pronouns, or something more. If it is just a phase - it'll pass, she'll realise what she really wants, and outing her now will make that process harder.

There's nothing you could have done to start this, and there's nothing that you can do to stop it.  You can get in the way and make your sibling's life a living hell, you can get out of the way and act like everything's normal, or you can be a pillar of support that your sibling can depend on.  This isn't your fault, this isn't your parents' fault; nobody caused this, nobody is to blame, and on the balance, it's a really really good thing that your sibling is questioning this now.

When I was that age, I was miserable.  I was depressed, sullen, and withdrawn.  I was angry and violent.  I was completely detached from all emotions except sadness and anger.  That persisted until my mid-30s.  I was dependent on marijuana for a large portion of that time; and I spent much of what could have been the best years of my life in a stupor.  I didn't know what I was hiding from, or even that I was hiding.

My experience is not uncommon -- I had a wonderful childhood, but when I hit puberty I totally went off the rails and when I turned 18 I found drugs and used them to mask the pain.  My parents didn't do anything wrong... this is just part of who I am.  It wasn't until my dad died that I finally had to get in touch with my emotions -- I was completely unable to process my grief, and I completely shut down for almost two whole years.  As I finally began to examine my feelings, all this weird gender crap sprang up instead of the grief that I expected to be dealing with.

You've got some experience with this... you thought you were gay for a while!  How did you come to the conclusion that you're 100% straight?  I'm going to guess that there was some questioning; maybe some experimentation... and after living in that identity for some time, you figured out your truth, which you're now living.  Your sibling needs to experience this.  The question is there... and it can't be answered without putting in that work.

So here's some homework for you.  Imagine your family deciding that you're a girl.  Like, tomorrow, you wake up and everybody starts calling you by a girl's name, using feminine pronouns to describe you, buying you jewelry and women's clothes for your birthday.  How would you react?  How would that make you feel?  They're persistent -- no matter what you say, they'll keep treating you like a girl!  That may very well be how your sibling feels right now.

You can help.  Don't tell your parents.  Don't tell your sibling that you know, until you think that you're really ready to love them as a brother -- maybe they aren't your brother, and maybe they are... but if you're ready for that then you can be the ally you want to be.

One last thing.  Transgender teens are at a high risk of suicide.  That risk is greatly diminished if they are supported by their families.  Families armed with that information can save their transgender youth by supporting them rather than fighting them.  You might save your sibling's life by sharing that information with your parents when the time is right (when they're ready to come out).