Susan's Place Transgender Resources

just a vote on importance of  "passing "

If passing means I don't get asked moronic questions like "are you transsexual?" by random idiots on street corners then yeah, it's necessary.

Agree with Ms. Grace on the part about getting away from stupid questions.  Annoyance with the rest of humanity aside, for me it really is more about simply being who I am.  Am chemically female, carry myself in my feminine manner and I feel what I am regardless of external perception.  Passing is, well, something we do as ourselves every moment.  In my eyes, we all pass always.

I think I've made passing a necessity for me, when it was not always the case. Passing draws less unwanted attention from others. I suppose I feel more safe that way. Using the women's bathroom, just walking out in public dressed the way I want, etc.

Fantastic question - unfortunately my answer isn't on the list - Both:  absolutely passing and I don't care.

If you have read my posts you know I'm just starting.  I flip back and forth between I want to come out to the world tomorrow and I want to wait as long as I can.

I'm joining new groups and getting involved with new people.  When I do that I dress en-fem.  I don't pass, I don't even try. But my body/bone structure below the bust line is feminine already so woman's clothes fit better than guy's anyway.  Basically I go as a well/casual dressed woman with light makeup and maybe a necklace.  To these people I'm just who I am.  They accept me for who I am and I'm going to judge my "pass-ability"  with them. 

For people I know, I'm going to wait until there is no way I could pass as a guy.  That may be after FFS I don't know.  But when I come out to people who I have known BC (Before Changes) - I MUST PASS COMPLETELY to be comfortable.  I want people who I have not seen since before November of last year do a double take and gasp.  I'm looking for "holy s***" or OMG or something akin to that even when dressed down.  Otherwise I'll feel as though they will be second guessing me.

Stephanie - Great Question!

good perspective on the community

I personally can't tell what others think. I'm transitioning in the same place and go to the same cafe's I've gone to for 20 years. Nobody has mentioned anything except for yesterday and about a month ago some Baristas at Starbucks have asked me what pronouns I prefer.

The perfectionist in me wants to go stealth so I voted I absolutely require it.

I put somewhat. Passing all the time would remove a lot of anxiety but it isn't everything.

Without that, it is still VERY much worth going out as me. I don't regret going full time for one minute regardless of if I pass or not.

"I was always worried you didn't want to look like a guy in a dress."
(edit: from a Vanity Fair video: http://video.vanityfair.com/watch/caitlyn-jenner-is-grateful-to-laverne-cox)

"If you're out there and, to be honest with you, if you look like a man in a dress, it makes people uncomfortable." - Caitlyn Jenner - 2016 Glaad Media Award recipient 
(edit: from a Time interview: http://time.com/4142000/time-person-of-the-year-runner-up-caitlyn-jenner-interview/)

IMO: Sad, I have found her statements to be true.  So, yes passing (goal) is 'cosmetically necessary' (for me) even if people know I am transsexual.

EOM

I want to look as good as i can for me (and my spouse) but fitting anyone's standards is not important to me. I like being correctly gendered too, but i would have transitioned if i would never have experienced that.

Passing as a concept seems very subjective. To feel as good as you can about yourself, given what genetics gave you is the important thing.

Passing to my eyes (for myself) that's what I am seeking in priority.

Even though I pass, I wish I didn't have to worry so much about my voice, sometimes afraid of being outed if I start to cough or laugh, can't let loose from fear of being outed and judged or considered "different". The rest is ok but it would be nice to have a hairless vagina too just to be able to have sex with any random guy, if I choose to, when the chemistry is there...just to feel normal, like any other girl where I don't have to explain myself and divulge details about my past. Normalcy is what I seek. :)

looks like absolute necessity is leading the pack

Quote from: RobynD on April 11, 2016, 10:30:15 AM
I want to look as good as i can for me (and my spouse) but fitting anyone's standards is not important to me. I like being correctly gendered too, but i would have transitioned if i would never have experienced that.

Passing as a concept seems very subjective. To feel as good as you can about yourself, given what genetics gave you is the important thing.

ditto

For me passing means blending in with society and getting on with lfe as a female, carrying a little weight to hide the masculine features that I cant change eg - weight around the neck to had the adams apple and a little weight in other areas,
Also being confident about myself,

Cheers Tracy

IMO passing equals safety so it is incredibly important to me.

With all that's happening as far as violence against transgender individuals, I think it's almost an absolute necessity to blend in as much as possible.

It's sad because this violence is even impacting cis gender folks. There is a recent incident of a woman in Detroit who was accosted in a bathroom because she didn't look female enough.

it's sad, the more of these negative trans bathroom laws go into effect the more dangerous it's going to get for everyone.

The bigger problem is that there are far more people who can't " pass " according to the cis standard of " passing" as there are those that do " pass " according to someone else's standard of what is acceptable. What are the majority to do.

Quote from: MichaelaLJ1972 on April 12, 2016, 11:52:58 AM
With all that's happening as far as violence against transgender individuals, I think it's almost an absolute necessity to blend in as much as possible.

It's sad because this violence is even impacting cis gender folks. There is a recent incident of a woman in Detroit who was accosted in a bathroom because she didn't look female enough.

This certainly is a consideration i agree. Particularly in the less liberal areas of the country.

I also can't help but think about the gender fluid, genderqueer, non-binary, brothers and sisters out there. They may have zero interest in looking like the norm of either gender. They deserve safety, bathroom choices and and social acceptance like everyone. The sooner we get to a world where they can feel safe too, the better.

society definitely needs a big wake up call

I checked absolute necessity because it WAS absolutely necessary for me when I transitioned in the 80's. I had to support my estranged children which meant that I needed a good job. Even in California, I experienced much discrimination once my past caught up with me. I had to pass before I made the first step. I remained in stealth mode until very recently. Now I don't care so much. I've decided that I'll never have another relationship. I have enough money to get by.

I think that we have many more options these days.

I'm 64, I have little hope for a relationship so I work on looking good in a dress.

I find these sort of questions extremely difficult. You need to define what you mean by 'passing'.

Many transwomen say the don't pass because of their personal perspective. "I look in a mirror and see a guy in a dress" But that is irrelevant. How are you/they accepted in normal society. I deliberately say normal society and not the encounters with bigots and jerks; EVERYONE no matter their gender or whatever ends up having to deal with jerks. Because that is what jerks do.

Do I pass - no idea. But I meet random people, I am treated as a normal woman, I have normal relationships with men that I choose to have relationships with, be they one night stands or relationships.

I teach a bunch of students and they ask questions and tell people they had a lecture from me: Cindy. Not the transgender teacher Cindy.

I don't go around psychoanalysing the response I get from the usual encounters with people or long term friendships.

If I did I suspect that there is an attitudinal issue with me rather than an an acceptance issue from others.

In many ways I find these threads a bit like the growing up issues of pubertal girls. Does he love me? Am I pretty? Why am I not accepted by the group at school. Oh I wish I had bigger boobs, a pretty face, long legs etc etc etc.

Teenagers grow out of it and start to accept themselves and those who don't start to have long term issues.

OK there is societal pressure on women to 'look good' 'be perfect' 'be awesome lovers' 'be great partners' etc etc etc again.

But successful women who love their lives, relationships, whatever get over it and accept themselves for who they are. Normal women.

Maybe we should reflect why some of us have a difficulty in our self acceptance?


Oh I'll add something: Bathroom laws. OK they are ridiculous but look at the newspapers. The issue being reported is when ciswomen are getting barred from female toilets. Why? Because ciswomen don't pass? Or because the jerks (see above) have no idea what constitutes a woman.

one night stands, I've been seriously considering that lately.

Quote from: stephaniec on April 14, 2016, 03:20:09 AM
one night stands, I've been seriously considering that lately.

Just be careful! I am extremely careful.

yea I know, I'm proud of my clean bill of health. I just went through the inquisition at the hospital from all the doctors trying to figure out why I have an elevated white blood cell count which I've had on and off for a long time. They finally concluded it was from my Rheumatoid arthritis that I kept trying to tell them , but they insisted in giving me all the tests they could think of.