Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I subscribe to a number of transgender video blogs on youtube and I've become accustomed to seeing girls starting transition, all elated because they are starting HRT. Then a couple of months down the line some of them  post a video of themselves clearly distressed and suffering deep depression, sometimes even threatening to take their lives (which is distressing to watch because there is so little the viewer can do other than post sympathetic comments).

Could there be a link between the HRT and the onset of depression?  Some of these girls are evidently self prescribing their hormones.

Louise

Could be, I'm awful if I dont take microgest daily (progesterone) with my HRT regimine. I mean I get depressed, withdrawn, sad, miserable, cry, pout, act like a baby, don't sleep, pig out....Progesterone saves me from all of that...except cheese.

I think that there's also a very large component of feeling let down.  HRT does not do everything that have so hoped for. We always have expectations that do not match reality. We still have to provide a living, we still are stuck in the same body, and we still have all of rest of transition to look forward to.

In my experience, every objective reached was almost immediately followed by some period of depression. Many times, I got through it just fine.  But there were a couple of times that were suicidal in nature.

Thankfully, there is more information available and support groups.  Hopefully, no one ever need feel alone like I did.

Cindi

Are you a subscriber of mine?

Anyway, self-perscribing can be very dangerous. I don't recommend it because I know too many people who've had problems with it.

As for depression, in a lot of cases it's more related to transitioning itself and other life issues, rather than HRT. Now, there is a risk that in some cases people can get depressed when they first start HRT. The reason is because most people experience a rush of feelings and changes, which can be overwhelming.

I have a friend who has recently started and she was doing good and has recently crashed. She was very excited and wanted to rush through things, and she was having all kinds of emotions... eventually she just got to the point of crashing. It's a lot to take on. She's recovering and starting to take things slower. There are a lot of things to deal when you first start out, and it's a big change.

I didn't have it so much, but then I've always had crazy emotions going on (I'm a rapid cycling bipolar kinda girl), so I learned to cope with my bipolar (since medication didn't help me much, I stopped taking it years ago). Learning to cope with the bipolar actually helped me a lot with the transition and the mix of feelings that come along and the changes. I went full time just as I started HRT, and before that I was going out most of the time. However, that isn't always the best path for people. Usually it's good to take things more slowly and get into full time six months after HRT (you can go longer, but then people are going to really notice something is up).

I get depression from time to time. Partly because I'm bipolar, and partly because, like most normal people, different life issues come up. I've had relationship issues. I've had this and that issues. And then I go manic, where I get all weird and speak really fast and spend all of my money. LOL

But, over all, I find that my quality of life has greatly improved and that going on HRT and transitioning was the best decision I could do for myself. I'm a much more confident person, I'm more open, I'm more social, and I finally feel good about myself and where I'm going. I won't lie and say it's all been easy, but it's been defiantly worth it.

So, the crash after the start of HRT or going full-time isn't uncommon, but I really think a lot of it has to do more with changes going on rather than just the HRT making you feel like that. It's a big change. It's a big step. It's a lot of work and it's hard work. Your body is changing, your brain is changing, your emotions are changing -- you are changing.

The best thing to do is find support where ever you can. That can help you out a lot when days are hard. Transitioning is a big step and being prepared to do it is important. HRT is one of the first step, and even if you don't plan on going full-time just yet, it's a big change physically and mentally. It's very common to go through a big excitement and then a crash when you start having to deal with the changes, etc. 

good luck,


--natalie

I feel less depressed on HRT..

The reality of transition also starts to set in after a few months. You start to realize you HAVE to come out soon to friends, family and... gulp... WORK. It's terrifying, at least it was for me. Sure, starting HRT itself was wonderful. But soon you have to start dealing with some very serious practical issues, and it sometimes seems like life is suddenly just one Impossible Task after another.

How am I going to tell my parents?

Will I lose my job?

Will my marriage fall apart?

Will I ever pass?

Will everyone laugh at me?

Add to that possible emotional instability from abnormally high estrogen levels, and... it's not easy. I know I drove my friends *crazy* with my up and down moods, ecstatic one day and suicidal the next.

~Kate~

Quote from: gothique11 on October 18, 2007, 04:55:28 PM
Are you a subscriber of mine?

--natalie

Hi Natalie, Yes you are on my list of subscriptions, but unless I've missed something I don't remember seeing you depressed much. It wouldn't be right of me to mention any youtube handles on here, but over the past few months I've seen several girls fall into a pit of depression and very publicly express their wish to end things or self harm.

In any case, judging by your recent pictures and videoblogs, you are becoming a beautiful, beautiful girl, making me envious - nay, JEALOUS AS HELL (-: so you have no reason to be depressed. However, I know that bipolar disorder can be distressing, although it can be managed.

Best wishes for the future,  Louise
(P.S. I enjoyed your voice practice vlog, what a good way to practice and get others' reactions and opinions - L)

I've been on HRT since 2002 but I was diagnosed and have been treated for recurrent, profound depression years before I started to transition.  I also have very deep disturbances in my sleeping, possibly related to the depression, for which I am taking meds.

Estrogen made my view of life much more pleasant than it was before I began HRT.

Wing Walker

Quote from: louise000 on October 18, 2007, 04:24:41 PM
Could there be a link between the HRT and the onset of depression?  Some of these girls are evidently self prescribing their hormones.

There is some information (read in passing and confirmed by my physician) that hrt, and more specifically Spiro., can excerbate depression if the individual suffers from chronic low depression or is prone to bouts of depression. It's why the dosage is critical to maintain the drug's inhibiting effect, albeit slower, while preventing the onset of bouts of depression. In short while hrt will help, in some people it's a double edge sword. The individual has to know where their limits are and establish a longer term (lower) dosage that works. Unfortunately too few realize this until they are in an episode of major depression and don't realize why, when it's a simple change of dosage. Folks got to remember hrt is changing your whole body, brain and all, so it's "Be careful out there." - Hill Street Blues.

Learned from personal experience as someone with lifelong (genetic) Dysthymia.

--Susan--

I can relate here. I tend to get depressed when other things in my life are crashing. It's not so much the HRT as the HRT coupled with life situations. I try and stay active and it seems to help. Not only do I do my school work but I'm also active on campus and advocating all sorts of positive changes to make my life and the lives of several people I care about much easier. I feel like since I'm doing good work it helps me focus on the good stuff and not the bad.

That being said, sometimes I just feel bad and have to go to bed.

HRT seems to supress my depression...

Quote from: louise000 on October 18, 2007, 04:24:41 PM
I subscribe to a number of transgender video blogs on youtube and I've become accustomed to seeing girls starting transition, all elated because they are starting HRT. Then a couple of months down the line some of them  post a video of themselves clearly distressed and suffering deep depression, sometimes even threatening to take their lives (which is distressing to watch because there is so little the viewer can do other than post sympathetic comments).

Could there be a link between the HRT and the onset of depression?  Some of these girls are evidently self prescribing their hormones.

Louise

Never, never, never never self-medicate.  Your HRT doctor also needs to know every other medicine that you use regularly, prescribed or over-the-counter. 

I wonder about the circumstances under which these suffering souls are posting.  Self-medicating that has backfired is one reason for depression.  Another could be lack of an effective therapist in that person's life.

Although I have seen this only once in the last 5 years, some young guys have taken estrogen for thrills and after they have had all of the fun that they want they long to lose the changes to their bodies.  Once you have breasts they are with you to the end.  I had a long chat with a girl and her brother and he wanted to be a guy minus his breasts and hips.  No go.

I have been diagnosed with severe, recurrent depression and anxiety but I assure you that estrogen and transition have made that depression much more bearable.

Wing Walker

Hi Natalie.

Quotebut then I've always had crazy emotions going on (I'm a rapid cycling bipolar kinda girl),

"Hee, hee, hee," You're my kind of friend.  ;D Ya, I swing too fast to stay stuck in any one mood or emotion. But emotions I don't mind. A crying spree or two here and there is good for one's state of constitution. But then I had the rapid changing moods and I am thankful they were only rapid changing. My mind works like that too. I have lost count of the blank looks on some people's faces. Well I also was like that way before I started the HRT.

Cindy

Quote from: Wing Walker on November 07, 2007, 02:29:28 AM
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Never, never, never never self-medicate.  Your HRT doctor also needs to know every other medicine that you use regularly, prescribed or over-the-counter. 

I have been diagnosed with severe, recurrent depression and anxiety but I assure you that estrogen and transition have made that depression much more bearable.

Wing Walker

I never said I was self-medicating and although there is alot I would like to say site rules prevent me from commenting further on that subject. For now I'm trying to get on the conventional route, although my GP who was once my "friend" is now looking increasingly like someone who's trying to block my progress. His attitude seems to be 'you can't be transsexual or I would have known about it before now'.

I too was plagued with anxiety and depression for many years. I used to be unable to go far from the house without experiencing agraphobia. Then about 11 years ago my GP (yes him) sent me for psychotherapy and the Asian doctor there hypnotised me. What was actually an hour seemed like about five minutes and when he finished he said "There you are, you'll be fine now", and he was right. Although I still get anxious sometimes I can handle it and the deep depression that I had just faded away. It worked for me, not necessarily for everyone, but it was worth getting professional help.

I

Quote from: louise000 on November 07, 2007, 07:17:52 AM
sent me for psychotherapy and the Asian doctor there hypnotised me. What was actually an hour seemed like about five minutes and when he finished he said "There you are, you'll be fine now", and he was right. Although I still get anxious sometimes I can handle it and the deep depression that I had just faded away. It worked for me, not necessarily for everyone, but it was worth getting professional help.

I dont suppose he could hyptnotize me into not fearing to live as a male the rest of my life. It sure would be cheaper and easier :P

Quote from: Lori on November 07, 2007, 07:21:56 AM

Quote from: louise000 on November 07, 2007, 07:17:52 AM
sent me for psychotherapy and the Asian doctor there hypnotised me. What was actually an hour seemed like about five minutes and when he finished he said "There you are, you'll be fine now", and he was right. Although I still get anxious sometimes I can handle it and the deep depression that I had just faded away. It worked for me, not necessarily for everyone, but it was worth getting professional help.

I dont suppose he could hyptnotize me into not fearing to live as a male the rest of my life. It sure would be cheaper and easier :P

lol!

My mom was talking about this like the other day.  Why don't we just try to hyptnotize you!?!?!

HRT seems to make things more tragic than they are.... but there are really good moments where it makes me feel very feminine..

QuoteI think that there's also a very large component of feeling let down.  HRT does not do everything that have so hoped for. We always have expectations that do not match reality. We still have to provide a living, we still are stuck in the same body, and we still have all of rest of transition to look forward to.

In my experience, every objective reached was almost immediately followed by some period of depression. Many times, I got through it just fine.  But there were a couple of times that were suicidal in nature.

Hi, Cindi,
I agree with most of what you say here about the hormones. If anyone thinks that they will start getting immediate results from the hormones, like in a couple months, I must say they will be greatly disappointed.

But over time, like maybe several years, you may get some reasonable results. It depends on age, if you are younger (like teens to late twenties) these are the years that appear to be favorable for substantial development.

One thing I cannot identify with is the depressions as they have been described here. I believe that once I began transitioning my entire outlook on life changed. I didn't worry about how fast I would grow boobs or get hips, I just did with what I had. To me it was like a journey into the discovery of the inner self and being as the most feminine me I could be.

Being a social worker also helped me to learn about compassion and love for others. I was just kept to busy to worry much about how my body was developing. For me it was like one day I looked in the mirror and I had boobs.

A few years later I discovered I had hips. Some time later I again looked in the mirror and I saw that I actually had a cleavage, *wow* boobs and a cleavage to go with the hips! Now in more recent times, with the help of protein supplements, my face has filled-in and the skin is much softer. My face no longer looked gaunt and as wrinkled. I am quite happy with the results I got, but these changes were gradual over past seven years.

Cindy     

I seriously hope it doesn't do more to depress me...


Like yeah. Obviously it will be a lot to take in, but what else am I gonna do? I hope it does the opposite. And I hope to anything good in the universe that I don't turn out Bipolar like my dad...
I mean, I'm usually extremely depressed, but I LIKE being productive, not a lump...-_-

That ->-bleeped-<- sucks, and I empathize SO much with Gothique...

I believe that depressions for me occured before my beginning HRT, actually I believe it was these depressions and having come to a close bout with suicide was what prodded me to seek HRT.
Once on the hormones many of my characteristics and feelings and much of my outlook on life  changed. I have been full time now on HRT and I don't think it was directly the results of estrogen that stopped my depression.  It was more like the relief that I was on my way to be myself, the true self is what boosted my hopes and depression for me is a rarity now.

Cindy

I have got more depressed recently.
After a first 3 months of more excitement and mostly good feelings - now its a bit grittier :I
but then, there are also other life situations that have caused that too right now which probably play a bigger factor than just the e.

Hi Jix hon, that happens to us all,as long as the depressions can be traced to outside issues, like unforeseen problems arising that we were not ready to confront or problems from outside sources that were not anticipated and not to mention that dreading doing a certain thing is procrastinated until you are cornered into having to deal with it. If that is the case then that type of depression can be handled and overcome frailty effectively.

It's the depressions that arise from within that could be a problem where unfortunately only the proper kind of meds is the only way to regain control of those type of depressive behaviours. Well hon I pray that it is the former, easier to resolve.

Have a wonderful day and I pray that all goes well and please embrace who the true self is, she is a precious soul.

Cundy

I find myself to be more stable emotionally than I was before HRT. I do not have the mood swings that some people experience, and overall, I feel more stable, more "solid" then I did before. Overall, my mood is better than before. When I was using patches, I would have periods of great mood elevation, where I almost was euphoric! Now, I self inject, and when the estrogen level is low, I'll feel. at worst, almost as I felt before HRT.

I've never experienced depression. Sure, there are times that I'm unhappy, it's part of life, but nothing like depression. I would become depressed before I began HRT on a regular basis, now everything is as it should be. HRT is something that needs to be carefully monitored by a doctor, and if any problems appear, perhaps the dosage needs to be adjusted. Perhaps not, there may be other reasons for the depression that are best left for a medical doctor to sort out.

Hi April, if your taking injectables yes you will get the last 3 maybe 4 days near the end of your two week cycle between injections where you may feel a bit edgy and short on patience even maybe even a bit on the bitchy side, but after you get the injection you should start feeling more like you were normally before.

No need to worry to much about depressions though unless they are persistent and recurring, especially depression lasting for more then just a few days. If that is so then consult your therapist. I get depressed but it don't last anymore then just an hour or two maybe feel gloomy for one day at most. I am usually most time a pretty upbeat person. I realy love my life and doing all I can to enjoy every second of it.

Cindy

Self-medicators sometimes think, if some estrogen makes postive changes, then more estrogen must make things happen faster and be even stronger, right? Wrong. Too much estrogen will have a person in the grip of powerful mood swings and very likely eventually in a suicidal depression. Hormones aren't candy.

Stealth

Yep, I quite agree. Just stay in the range of the dosage the Doc prescribes for you, there is no need to take more it don't gain you nothing, at least from what I hear, I never tried to take more then the Doc prescribed for me. Now I have heard though that the present dosage you are taking now may need to be readjusted at some time in the future. To frequent a mood swings and emotionalism are good indicators something may be out of balance. I feel good, I don't mess with anything, If I don't feel good, I go see my Dr. I wasn't feeling all that well for a week and it turns out I had some kind of bowel infection which my Doc suggested I get this stuff that was over the counter. It appears to be working fine.

Cindy

I am SO depressed lately...