Susan's Place Transgender Resources

So I've negotiated a successful gender transition.  I've been living full-time for two years and I've been on hormones for 3 years, currently dealing with state health care bureaucracy to get my surgery.

And yet, for the last several months I've been feeling rumblings of doubt.  I'm starting to think I miss being a gay man.   I'm starting to question if the fact that I've gone this long isn't more to do with not wanting to hear my mother and scores of other naysayers saying "I told you so."  On a very real level I fear that more than I fear forcing myself to live as a woman the rest of my life.

I was so unhappy as a man though.  The people around me say they can definitely see a difference.  I find that socially I'm more woman than man. 

And yet, the idea of burning that last bridge, getting the surgery and being done with it, saddens and frightens me on a level I haven't ever really felt before.  I thought I was over these doubts.  I thought I was over questioning if I wouldn't be better off de-transitioning.

I have nothing socially to gain from de-transition; if anything I have so much to lose.  But how can I know what the right way is if I have so many competing notions of who I am?  I feel like I'm about six different people at any given time!  It's hell being me.  I'm so tired of never knowing who I am!

My decision came down to looking at the time I lived as a woman and comparing it to the time I lived as a man. For me, there was no way I could return to a male existence and be happy because I had been very unhappy for a long time before transitioning. You may not feel the same way and if you don't, delay surgery until you are ready. I wasn't 100% sure of my decision until I was waking up after surgery so some doubt may exist up to the time of surgery.

People have backed out hours before surgery so it's best to be as sure as humanly possible before surgery.

I would suggest that you reach out to your therapist and get your doubts sorted out. It is a huge step and feeling doubtful about the process is a red flag to probably take it slow and see if you are ok with being pre-op for now.

I have seen many trans women who elected not to have the surgery since they feel ok with their anatomy. It really goes down to your level of discomfort. You are still a woman with or without GCS.

Hello. Rose City Rose ;D

I hope you don't mind me commenting (I'm not mtf so feel free to ignore me). but I had kind of a similar problem. I came out as ftm and gay 4 years ago. I'm not meaning to brag or anything but I "passed" as male without testosterone or surgery (I'm am naturally androgynous/masculine looking) so I wasn't in a rush to take testosterone and it wasn't until recently I started talking about HTR with my gender therapist.

I began to doubt my self, I missed my "girlie" clothes and make up sometimes. I have traditionally female hobbies and job and I have no intention of having bottom surgery. What if I was as unhappy as a full time male as was female? I felt like this was the point of no return and was scared about what I would do if I was wrong.

so I put off taking T and surgery for a bit and spent some time thinking. I came to the conclusion that I love being a man and I was still a man even if I never had bottom surgery/take testosterone or I wore makeup or had traditionally female hobbies. That I should do what make me happy and anyone else can just deal with it.

You should do what makes you happy.

Rose, only you can determine the right course for the rest of your life. But you might need some help to sort it out. Doubts are common and they seem to plague all of us. Some doubts linger no matter what. There are times when I wonder what might have been. They don't invade my mind and get my little squirrel running though. They are just passing thoughts. The final surgery is a big deal and it is best you are absolutely sure before you take that step. Many of us give it another go and go back to really make sure. I did. That didn't last more than a  weekend. But that was me.

Akin to what others have said we are plagued with uncertainty at various stages of our journey. For me as an Alpha male it took 3 plus years of therapy before I could accept that I was tg and start HRT. But once I started the doubts faded. Doubts while on HRT were quickly put to rest as I reflected on being a male again and that was abhorrent for me.

In the end the question that I always ask anyone who is considering an srs is would you consider your life unfufilled and filled with regret at your deathbed if you had the option and did not take it. We have one life and each of us choses how best to live it...there is no right or wrong as we each choose our path in life .

If you are a cold hard analytical type, doubts are a way of life. Such was the case for my wife some nearly 30 years ago when she was on the cusp of her GRS. With a good 7 years of living full-time, a look, a body, and a life most of us would be envious over she had "Doubts". She suffers from the same affliction I have. Possible solutions come readily to mind for just about every and anything in the universe. Except for one very minor, insignificant exception. Ourselves.

It was an an exhausting 2 weeks or more. She stayed over in my apartment. After an intense day for me at work, then came the thought experiments, the debates, the What If'ing the universe to death with the two of us exchanging roles, playing Devils Advocate, as well as Cheer Leader. There was not one single aspect that did not receive the "Beating the Dead Horse" award.

At the end of this she left to go back to her place in NYC. Her last words were I don't when, who, or if, you'll ever hear from me again.

Today, some 30 years post-op, there is the occasional rumblings of De-Transitioning. TBH - A lot of times she has some damn good arguments.

Also today - Some 7 years post "Dropping the T-Bomb" I have doubts about myself. What I truly Need vs what I want vs "In an ideal world...." to this is insane. Stop the HRT, you're feeling "much better now  :o " I simply want to be "Normal". Like her, I analyze and "What If" things to death. My day job pays me well to do that. It only took a few totaly life disasters and a few years on HRT to get me to apply a portion of that skill to my own life.

Some day I may actually totally embrace what "Normal" is for me. Until then, I'll have doubts. Perhaps even after.

I've seen it happen before

Surgery is nice , but it's not the holy Grail even though it seems it is. I've live with this torment and I do mean torment for 60 years. I've lived with this way too long. I wish that things were different growing up and I would of transitioned totally a long time ago. Reality is I am old and may or may not have many years left. I'm so happy I have gotten help and estrogen to live my life the way it should of been lived for 60 years, but I can deal with what I do have. There is nothing abnormal about not having surgery. You can be happy transition without the final step, If it bothers you just step back from it and take more time. I'm still thinking about doing it and trying to come to a resolution , but for now I'm happy to finally be me and to have the proper hormone inside of me. Just take your time, I'm pretty sure your not 64 years old so you have plenty of time.

Quote from: Rose City Rose on April 12, 2016, 06:27:15 PM
And yet, the idea of burning that last bridge, getting the surgery and being done with it, saddens and frightens me on a level I haven't ever really felt before.  I thought I was over these doubts.  I thought I was over questioning if I wouldn't be better off de-transitioning.

I may have an odd viewpoint, but I regard surgery very separately to social transition. I've given a lot of thought to having SRS without social transition, as I'd like to continue presenting male for at least a while.You can present male or female regardless of what surgery you have, or don't. I can't see it as bridge burning.

Quote from: AnonyMs on April 14, 2016, 12:14:48 AM
I may have an odd viewpoint, but I regard surgery very separately to social transition. I've given a lot of thought to having SRS without social transition, as I'd like to continue presenting male for at least a while.You can present male or female regardless of what surgery you have, or don't. I can't see it as bridge burning.

I totally agree with this way of thinking. As I reminded in another thread there are a lot of trans men who live and present as men while still having female genitals (vagina at least). So yes, we trans women should have the right to undergo GRS while still presenting as male. The problem is that most surgeons enforce wpath guidelines and demand that their trans patients have lived full time in the desired gender before surgery...

You don't need to have the surgery if you feel you do not need or want it. It is totally your choice, but if you are feeling doubt it it might be better to err of the side of caution when it comes to this particular operation.

Yrs ago I studied my condition in private,I seen ->-bleeped-<-s,transexuals in literature and on t.v
,my parents would watch documenteries on this,but would never discuss why,I dressed like a tomboy,jeans and it's like my middle sis, Most people thought I was a girl til I said something. I came to the conclusion that since I'm a lesbian I have the perfect equipment to have sex with a woman with her never knowing she had sex with a woman. I already have a female body which I hide behind a mask. Yesterday even with a beard and mustache I was called maam then the cashier corrected and said sir. I have the best of both world's being half man and half woman,since puberty I haven't taken my shirt off in public for if I did I would be told to put a shirt on.....life is yours too live so live it.

i think maybe it's because there really isn't that much of an essential difference between men and women. the only major difference is what hormones you're "running on" and your reproductive organs. the rest is just learned behaviour, there's not a biological reason that men don't shave and women do, or that men can't cry but women are expected to, or that penetrative penis-vagina sex is the only "real" sex etc. it's all just toxic nonsense that we've made up over the years to somehow justify that men are superior to women. your gender doesn't change who you are on the inside... the reason you don't have all these stereotypical female attributes is that you weren't forced into them as a child. that doesn't make you any less of a woman, though, because there are cis women who were not raised in this society who find our concept of a gender binary rather bizzare and they are able to see that it's mostly learned behaviour.

Quote from: kiteless on April 17, 2016, 04:43:30 PM
i think maybe it's because there really isn't that much of an essential difference between men and women. the only major difference is what hormones you're "running on" and your reproductive organs. the rest is just learned behaviour, there's not a biological reason that men don't shave and women do, or that men can't cry but women are expected to, or that penetrative penis-vagina sex is the only "real" sex etc. it's all just toxic nonsense that we've made up over the years to somehow justify that men are superior to women. your gender doesn't change who you are on the inside... the reason you don't have all these stereotypical female attributes is that you weren't forced into them as a child. that doesn't make you any less of a woman, though, because there are cis women who were not raised in this society who find our concept of a gender binary rather bizzare and they are able to see that it's mostly learned behaviour.

Thanks Kiteless for recalling that to all of us !

Rose,

doubt is normal, if not healthy, especially when something is irreversible and impacts you so much. If it is not something you need then perhaps you should pause and figure it out before proceeding. Many trans woman do not have GRS and enjoy life.

Rachel

Well, it's been a while but I'm updating.

I'm still in the air, and it's honestly getting worse.

I seriously don't know what I want and my therapist has been no help whatsoever.

I'm depressed, frustrated, and confused.  Half the time I feel like I'm dying inside because I haven't been able to get my surgery yet, and half the time I feel I'm dying inside because I can't be a gay man and really enjoy masculine things without feeling self-conscious.

I'm thinking about detransitioning but I'm too scared to take that step.  I don't know what I want. I don't know what to do. I don't know who can help me.  I'm losing the battle with this depression.

Quote from: Rose City Rose on August 14, 2016, 12:48:48 AM
I seriously don't know what I want and my therapist has been no help whatsoever.

Rose, in my opinion you should seriously consider finding an other therapist. They are paid for helping us. From what you say the current one does not do the job.

Quote from: Rose City Rose on August 14, 2016, 12:48:48 AM
Well, it's been a while but I'm updating.

I'm still in the air, and it's honestly getting worse.

I seriously don't know what I want and my therapist has been no help whatsoever.

I'm depressed, frustrated, and confused.  Half the time I feel like I'm dying inside because I haven't been able to get my surgery yet, and half the time I feel I'm dying inside because I can't be a gay man and really enjoy masculine things without feeling self-conscious.

I'm thinking about detransitioning but I'm too scared to take that step.  I don't know what I want. I don't know what to do. I don't know who can help me.  I'm losing the battle with this depression.

Not knowing what I want.... A perpetual battle for me. If you turn the question around to ask yourself "Do you know what you Don't Want?"; perhaps that will help? I know after many years of fighting the Trans-Beast, The course I've been on for the past 7 years, albeit difficult, even painful at times, is FAR better then the path I was on. I live in constant fear of slipping back into that "Thing" I was.

For Certain, I do not ever ever want to be that lifeless, soulless 'Thing' that I was a few years ago. I am far far thrilled about having to own up to being a TG woman. Overall, if I compare 'Today's' Me to the me I was 10 years ago.... It would take about 10 milli-Second to answer which one I'd rather be

Rose,
   Things are so hard when the pathway forward is not clear. It's something, I think, that most of us deal with at some point. I hope you don't panic and you allow yourself some time to figure things out. One factor that I have not heard here is in detransitioning, stopping HRT, there is a possibility that a lot of your original feelings of dysphoria could come back strong again. I have heard of people who think they should get off HRT only to revisit the feelings that caused them to seek out the hormones to begin with. I wish you the best.
Monica

Your last post gave me a feeling and I have a question for you. Could you be a part of the non binary? Not all doctors understand what non binary is. You could be any one of a number of possibilities that you will find described in our WIKI  (https://www.susans.org/wiki/Transgender). Gender fluid/bigender suggest it's self to me but gender queer is also a possibility. Check out the page and see if you have a feel for something other than the binary.

rose,

the biggest trap i see people fall into is the gender binary. you pretended to be one way all of your life, and now you're pretending to be the exact opposite. people's personalities are not male and female. it is all a lie. the reason you get started down this road is to become free of the expectations forced upon you based on your gender, not to switch them out for an entirely different set of expectations.

what you need to figure out is what makes you happy... being on T, or being on E? that is the only decision you have to make. even if you decide you like being on testosterone better, it doesn't erase everything else about you. there are nonbinary men out there who don't take HRT but are fully and truly themselves. check out stav strashko:

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fmedia-cache-ak0.pinimg.com%2F736x%2Fb2%2Fc1%2F9f%2Fb2c19ff9146ad38d10e33ca3df3f58f3.jpg&hash=bbaca5446b8eb0a2e0970572b02b86dbd726502b)

and if you decide that being on E is what makes you happy, you don't have to wear makeup and dresses and speak softly. you can be as masculine-presenting as you want. check out this article about butch woman who live in san francisco:
https://www.buzzfeed.com/skarlan/photographing-the-butch-women-of-san-francisco?utm_term=.fcVz4pnxJk#.vxzaVKN0Yj
(https://img.buzzfeed.com/buzzfeed-static/static/2014-03/enhanced/webdr06/27/15/grid-cell-9826-1395947788-4.jpg)

you've got a false binary in your head, that either i have to be fully girly-girl AND on E or i will go back on T and have to go back to living the sad life i lived before, and that is a false choice. there are many people even in the trans community who will force this choice upon you, especially if you don't live in a major queer-friendly metro area.

100 years from now they will not refer to people as "boy" or "girl" anymore because our hormones and genitalia are as relevant to our self-expression as our hair color or height. he/she pronouns are dying. you're trying to fit into a system that is basically a societal religious belief that holds no basis in reality, a system that has caused people nothing but pain for years. stop trying to fit in to other people's categories and start making decisions about what YOU want for YOU. and if other people don't like it, tough! i'm sure they didn't like it when you started transitioning either.

i used to be super sensitive about my status, as if i had to prove who i was constantly; as if my entire gender would fall apart based on the way i talked, walked, or dressed. i was like this when i identified as male, and i was like this for the first 6 months of my transition when i began to identify as female.

don't feel depressed. you're discovering who you are; that can be incredibly painful especially when society says that people like us don't exist. start reading websites like everydayfeminism.com and reaching out into the nonbinary trans world. also, i might get banned for this, but i think that a lot of the people on this site believe in a gender binary and will try to push you into what they believe a trans person should be and it's incredibly toxic to see this kind of behaviour especially when trans people have so few others to depend on to begin with! keep in mind that not every trans person is an expert on you and your body, the only one who is, is you.

@kiteless

Fantastic thought provoking and intelligent writing!

I'd add Kudos if I could.

I think that if you are asking those kinds of questions, then hold off on surgery for sure. Hold off till you are 110% sure that is what you need. Not want. Wants change. Needs, not so much.

GRS is a huge step, which if you are not absolutely ready for it, can mess you up. I asked myself hundreds of times if I would be able to live with myself after GRS no matter what, and came to the conclusion that GRS was only the first step to my survival. I only wish I'd have been able to transition and have GRS sooner.

I have had ups and downs, seriously, but have always known this was how I need to live my life. Doubt wasn't there. I questioned myself to find the answer. Therapists then were easy to manipulate. I didn't seek answers from them, I needed their signatures. They were simply a means to an end. Perhaps they knew it, perhaps not.

My conviction that I was female was unshakeable and still is. If you go for it, there is not much room for turning back. When, and if, you are ready, there will be no doubts, no denying. Keep asking, keep testing.

So, if you have those doubts, then clear them up first before you go for any surgery. You have to agree with your own decision, and be prepared to spend the rest of your life with it.

My transition started in the late 60's. It was a bumpy road, nearly washed out many times, and no support that I was able to enlist. Just me, myself and I.


(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Falterna-tickers.com%2Ftickers%2Fgenerated_tickers%2Fi%2Fiztw5sen1.png&hash=22e68940b56d1c81ea193fe49ab84b314e5366e6) (http://alterna-tickers.com)

Sorry for reviving this again, just wanted to update.

RE: being non-binary- the thought of presenting male outside of maybe wearing historical costume at parties or events (gotta love medieval men's fashion!) is simply appalling to me!  I hate being called "sir" and I hate being perceived as anything but a woman.  If I'm genderfluid, then I'm not very good at it! :P

I've given it some thought, and the reason I was having doubts was a trap I fall into VERY easily.  It's the trap of trying to convince myself I don't want something simply because it seems unattainable.  I fell into that during the process of struggling to get HRT.

The reason I now know, after some months, that I had fallen into this trap I set for myself is because recently I got word that the pre-op electrolysis I've been waiting for MORE THAN A YEAR to get approved by insurance was FINALLY approved, and I couldn't be more relieved to have hot needles stuck in my junk!

When I gauged the relief I got from the prospect of having to endure something that is this unpleasant because it helped me advance toward surgery, I realized quickly that I was simply engaging in a very unhealthy coping mechanism by questioning what I wanted to avoid feeling helpless about it.

TL;DR- Strictly speaking, it was sour grapes.  But the grapes are sweet now so it's all good, sisters.  It's all good!

EDIT: also, I hope nobody takes my use of the word "trap" the wrong way since I'm using it in a traditional context and not as a slur against a passable MtF. 

Final happy footnote: had my first preop electrolysis session on Thursday.

I never thought something so physically unpleasant could be this much of an emotional relief.  The thought echoes through my mind, I'm moving forward now.  I don't have to lie to myself about not wanting this.

I figure electrolysis will be my failsafe.  If I can go through this process and I still want to do the surgery, then there will be no reason not to.  If not, I honestly don't think I'll miss my pubic hairs that much so nothing of value will be lost. :P

Quote from: Rose City Rose on October 09, 2016, 06:55:51 PM
Final happy footnote: had my first preop electrolysis session on Thursday.

I never thought something so physically unpleasant could be this much of an emotional relief.  The thought echoes through my mind, I'm moving forward now.  I don't have to lie to myself about not wanting this.

I figure electrolysis will be my failsafe.  If I can go through this process and I still want to do the surgery, then there will be no reason not to.  If not, I honestly don't think I'll miss my pubic hairs that much so nothing of value will be lost. :P

There is no joy like making a successful tack (ie: Not hitting your head on the boom) when needing to change course.

All Sailors know it's not about the destination, but the journey

Congrats

good luck, I'm in a state of limbo knowing I wan it , but the road is uphill

Another update!  My electrolysis is maybe 30% complete.  I've toughed it out. 

Still terrified to death of complications, and sex as a woman is starting to get intimidating because I'll have to figure out everything all over again and there's a small but nonzero chance that I'll never orgasm again.  I'm not transitioning for sex but I'd be lying if I said that intimacy wasn't important in my life.

More importantly, I realized that my doubts are the strongest when I'm already depressed and second-guessing myself.  I'm struggling to get help with depression and some other disabilities (right now it's harder to get coverage for that than to get SRS in Oregon and any help is seriously appreciated) but I'm trying my very best.

Quotethe only major difference is what hormones you're "running on" and your reproductive organs. the rest is just learned behaviour

Actually, that's not true.  Many years ago, there was the nature vs nurture argument, but that has long been shown that there are differences in the male & female brains.  This comes from brain imaging and also cases of infants who were given SRS due to medical issues.  Many of them grew up knowing they were in the wrong body.  So, learned behaviour is at most a modifier, but not the cause of the difference between male and female behaviour.  In fact, this was covered in a recent National Geographic show about trans people.  People who are truly trans have brains closer to what they want to be than what they were born with.

I was on that very ban-wagon of doubt, guilt and shame not just two days ago. So much happier I am back to myself <3... we began this process for a reason, and being a ''man'' had almost killed me. Much love <3- Ashley!!