Susan's Place Transgender Resources

After a very stressful week... I am out everywhere. Friends, family, work and ever socially. I decided after coming out to everyone around me I would post a public message on Facebook to cover the ones I had forgotten or missed. The reception was actually pretty positive. Suprisingly if people disagree, they are keeping it to themselves.

Work colleagues have been very kind and I am recieving support from people I don't even know. My HR department shared a letter I had written essentially announcing the new me. It was read to everyone in the company. So I am out there... I just need to show up as Amanda. That's the hard part.

I don't trust any reactions anymore. It is as if people are cordial at first but in a week or so they change their minds. It's so frustrating. I got into it with my brother yesterday. He was very supportive at first and now he just says "I don't like it!" "You are wrong!" And "you're taking scripture out of context, I don't like that even more." I've been down since. I knew his initial reaction was too good to be true!!

I digress. All things considered, this is not how I wanted it to play out... I had plans for God sake... but at least it's done. I know attitudes are going to change when I show up at work. I guess that is just the nature of the beast. It's sad but I am trying to remain positive. My mantra is helping... "F $#* 'em"

You'd think that a trans sister would stay by your side through the whole thing... she's already lived it but for some reason, unknown to me, she abandoned  me too. I guess it is easy for us to become loners and be ok with being alone when this continually happens.

Guess I feel like I'm just venting and I shouldn't complain but I think this is what happens when you are forced to come out and just have to do damage control. I'm happy to be out, I really am. I just need to get busy living.

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Coming out en masse is a pretty stressful experience, went through it myself about two years ago. But at least it's out of the way now so congrats! I also experienced some people being initially supportive but then getting weird and anti about it a week or so later once the news has sunk in.

The good news is they can come around eventually, especially once they get to know who you really are. My coming out was only about a week before I transitioned to full time, that way no one had to wait too long to wonder about what I was really saying.

I don't know if you are now presenting full time but if not I'd suggest the longer you leave that moment the more likely people are either going to use it as an opportunity to think they can talk you out of it or won't take you seriously at all.

Going full time the same day I go back to work. I agree that there shouldn't be a lot of time.

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Hi and congratulations.

When I came out in November I meet with the department in 8 separate meetings and I also meet with 3 committee chairs in the same day. I was exhausted at the end of the day. I slept so well that night. When I came out I was forbidden to use the men's room. I agree, expressing in very important after you come out.

Everyone has been great at work and now I get advise about cloths, shoes and jewelry.

Congratulations!!

I'm in the process of coming out to close people around me, but i have to say that coming out all at once is very brave!  I don't think i could do it. It may come as a shock to people close to you, but as the old saying goes. " Those who support and love you are the only ones worth having". Again, congratulations and best of luck!!

Quote from: Life-as-Grace on April 24, 2016, 12:51:15 AM
I'm in the process of coming out to close people around me, but i have to say that coming out all at once is very brave!  I don't think i could do it. It may come as a shock to people close to you, but as the old saying goes. " Those who support and love you are the only ones worth having". Again, congratulations and best of luck!!

Generally the all at once approach is needed when you're about to transition to full time. There's no choice at that stage.

During my first attempt at transition I told people in a piecemeal manner, many months before I was intending to go full time. The only real benefit to doing that, for me, was that it allowed me to go out socially in girl mode. But the fact that some people were seeing me in both male/female modes while others were only seeing me in one of those ended up causing a lot of confusion and I found out that a lot more people than the ones I'd told ended up knowing even if I didn't want them to. I never ended up going full time and stopped my transition so that caused even more confusion!

This time I decided to tell only a very few people prior to going full time, and told the majority over a three day period, I found it was actually much easier that way.

I understand where your coming from, I also came out to many people a couple months ago... and at first they were awesome, like they all got a new toy.... then the newness faded and they started ignoring the whole thing. A few people made comments about how my facebook pics didnt match what I looked like in real life... that hit me hard and made me cool off a bit. Now when they see me, they just ignore the "issue"... I present much less and no one even asks why.... sorta like they are just relieved to pretend the "elephant in the room" isnt there. I just see them as fake people and have reverted back to being alone and not talking to them much.... which is sad. I feel like I was so much more outgoing, if they would have just cultivated the relationship a bit... things could be great... but they didnt. I did everything I could to make it easy for them.... explained in a message, didnt put any demands on them, no requirements.... but it still must have been too much for them to handle.

I'm coming out as <female name> community by community.  (My life consists of a number of different circles, or "communities" as I call them, which mostly don't overlap.)

So far, it's been: retreat center; church; dance community.  I've picked them because I thought they were the most likely to be accepting (and they have been.)  They're also places I've been dressing in my own version of "femme" for quite a while, so it's not like it should have been a total shock.  I just bought a wig and hope to be wearing it much of the time in those spaces by sometime in the summer, which I hope will make my presentation more unambiguously femme.  (Bad timing, though; wigs are hot -- literally!)

Family is next, and I'm planning to start going to work as <new name> by the end of the year, once my name and gender are changed on my IDs and bank accounts and HR does whatever they're going to do.

Amanda,
     Congratulations on your coming out. I came out about a month ago at work. I will go full time in the fall after recovering from FFS. I also expect that some who have been accepting in theory may be less so when they see the reality of my change. I think we can only control what we do, not what others do. My plan is to hold my head up, be respectful of others, and do my job as well as I  can. People may hurt me. It is kind of  part of the path we take I guess. I hope to be able to concentrate on the supportive people. Heck, I have been miserable too long living as the wrong person to allow some ignorant person to ruin this for me. I am quite scared of that first day back, but I refuse to give in to any negativity from others or myself.
     I am sad that your brother is using religion to, intentionally or not, hurt you. I hope, given time, he will come around. I wish for you the strength to fight for your happiness. Good luck.
Moni

My brother messaged me today accusing me of starting a war. He never takes an responsibility for anything. He always is right and others are wrong. He further chastised me about my interpretation of scripture... again he is always righ, ugh. He acts now that he has no idea how he feels about it when he clearly does. I'm done trying to figure him out and beckoning for his approval. I go full time tomorrow and refuse to look back. I will own it like a boss and keep my head high. I just want to be genuine, finally.

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Quote from: HappyMoni on April 24, 2016, 01:31:46 PM
Amanda,
     Congratulations on your coming out. I came out about a month ago at work. I will go full time in the fall after recovering from FFS. I also expect that some who have been accepting in theory may be less so when they see the reality of my change. I think we can only control what we do, not what others do. My plan is to hold my head up, be respectful of others, and do my job as well as I  can. People may hurt me. It is kind of  part of the path we take I guess. I hope to be able to concentrate on the supportive people. Heck, I have been miserable too long living as the wrong person to allow some ignorant person to ruin this for me. I am quite scared of that first day back, but I refuse to give in to any negativity from others or myself.
     I am sad that your brother is using religion to, intentionally or not, hurt you. I hope, given time, he will come around. I wish for you the strength to fight for your happiness. Good luck.
Moni

Thank you so much. Coming out at work really wasn't a choice for me. My best laid plans were all thrown out the window when a friend confirmed a rumor. I'm stressing about going back just cause I don't know what to expect but I'm sure it will be fine!

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Quote from: Asche on April 24, 2016, 06:51:24 AM
I'm coming out as <female name> community by community.  (My life consists of a number of different circles, or "communities" as I call them, which mostly don't overlap.)

So far, it's been: retreat center; church; dance community.  I've picked them because I thought they were the most likely to be accepting (and they have been.)  They're also places I've been dressing in my own version of "femme" for quite a while, so it's not like it should have been a total shock.  I just bought a wig and hope to be wearing it much of the time in those spaces by sometime in the summer, which I hope will make my presentation more unambiguously femme.  (Bad timing, though; wigs are hot -- literally!)

Family is next, and I'm planning to start going to work as <new name> by the end of the year, once my name and gender are changed on my IDs and bank accounts and HR does whatever they're going to do.

I too started by telling my close friends. The hardest part was having trust in others. You don't know who you can trust. Sometimes I think it would be better to not tell anyone and then just tell everyone at once. Having to live through telling a massive amount of peiple at once and sweat their reactions, I am pretty positive that there is no easy way of doing this.

I didn't realize until I was out just how much stress living two lives were causing me. I didn't cry when in guy mode but it did damage to me quite significantly. I beleive we have to mourn ourselves much like others have to mourn us. I purged out all my guy clothes and spent most of a day emotional from doing so. Since then the guy side hanging on has died even more. Now, going guy makes me physically sick. When i filed the papwrwork for my legal name change i think whatever was left died. When I return to work tomorrow there will be no more guy mode ever.

It just makes me sick when cis gender folks say this does not take courage. I think it would be esier to base jump off a mountain with no parachute!

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Quote from: Rachel Lynn on April 23, 2016, 07:49:18 PM
Hi and congratulations.

When I came out in November I meet with the department in 8 separate meetings and I also meet with 3 committee chairs in the same day. I was exhausted at the end of the day. I slept so well that night. When I came out I was forbidden to use the men's room. I agree, expressing in very important after you come out.

Everyone has been great at work and now I get advise about cloths, shoes and jewelry.

Thank Rachel! My biggest fear is that I am just and oddity and a fad. People are only supportive and interested in my life because it is new and weird. I want to be taken in by other women's interest in me and try to cultivate a friendship but I am not opening myself for more hurt. I guess I'm just gonna hang back and see what happens.

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Amanda, I hope things went well for you today. I know what you mean about living the double life, it stinks. In 53 days I can stop living my double life. I think I am more than ready. Maybe with time your brother will realize what a jerk he is being. I am no expert, being a non believer, but I always thought the true Christians weren't dogmatic. They are kind, compassionate, and caring. Take care!
Moni

Congrats on being out to all and living true to yourself.

Very courageous and hope it went well.