Community Conversation => Significant Others talk => Topic started by: Feminator on April 23, 2016, 07:55:39 PM Return to Full Version
Title: Supportive of my SO
Post by: Feminator on April 23, 2016, 07:55:39 PM
Post by: Feminator on April 23, 2016, 07:55:39 PM
Hello,
I am running into a problem with my wife, who is Transmasculine. Not from her, but from some advice from support people I am being given.
To give some background....my wife and I are both lesbians, and have been together for 11 years. Recently she stated she wants to present more masculine, which I don't have a problem with at all. This has been a journey for both of us and I do admit I was a bit shocked when she stated that she is non-binary and Trans, not just a Butch lesbian as she said before. I encouraged that she go to therapy, a Trans identified one, and she seems to feel so much better. Her therapist said that it would be good for me to have support, even though being part of the LGBT community I know plenty of Trans people and gender non conforming ones. We both found a group for Trans/Non binary people and their allies.
That seemed easy enough until recently when I went to a closed meeting for supporters only. I stated that I was struggling to make sure my concerns, insecurities and fears don't impact her journey and I mentioned that I encouraged her to shop in the mens section for clothing, and had asked a fellow transman for binding information. My wife had been embarrassed that I asked about the binder in front of others, so we talked about me waiting for her to ask those questions.(she's pretty shy) The transperson who led the group said I had to be very careful of mentioning things like that to her, because I would send her back into the 'closet' and it could harm her emotionally. We have a very open relationship and great communication, even about my shock about her disclosure. So, I felt terrible and shamed by that, and actually cried all the way home. I did something that I never do, I hid that meeting from my wife and it really started to affect our intimacy. Finally, she asked me point blank what was up, but I am hesitant to tell her what happened and I gave her a 'clean' version.
I guess my question is, is it a bad thing to be supportive and accepting and does this do harm? Is that not the right thing to do? I am so confused and pretty unhappy about it right now and not sure which way to turn. Do I keep my mouth shut, do I ignore everything until she tells me something? Any advice would be great and helpful.
Thanks.
I am running into a problem with my wife, who is Transmasculine. Not from her, but from some advice from support people I am being given.
To give some background....my wife and I are both lesbians, and have been together for 11 years. Recently she stated she wants to present more masculine, which I don't have a problem with at all. This has been a journey for both of us and I do admit I was a bit shocked when she stated that she is non-binary and Trans, not just a Butch lesbian as she said before. I encouraged that she go to therapy, a Trans identified one, and she seems to feel so much better. Her therapist said that it would be good for me to have support, even though being part of the LGBT community I know plenty of Trans people and gender non conforming ones. We both found a group for Trans/Non binary people and their allies.
That seemed easy enough until recently when I went to a closed meeting for supporters only. I stated that I was struggling to make sure my concerns, insecurities and fears don't impact her journey and I mentioned that I encouraged her to shop in the mens section for clothing, and had asked a fellow transman for binding information. My wife had been embarrassed that I asked about the binder in front of others, so we talked about me waiting for her to ask those questions.(she's pretty shy) The transperson who led the group said I had to be very careful of mentioning things like that to her, because I would send her back into the 'closet' and it could harm her emotionally. We have a very open relationship and great communication, even about my shock about her disclosure. So, I felt terrible and shamed by that, and actually cried all the way home. I did something that I never do, I hid that meeting from my wife and it really started to affect our intimacy. Finally, she asked me point blank what was up, but I am hesitant to tell her what happened and I gave her a 'clean' version.
I guess my question is, is it a bad thing to be supportive and accepting and does this do harm? Is that not the right thing to do? I am so confused and pretty unhappy about it right now and not sure which way to turn. Do I keep my mouth shut, do I ignore everything until she tells me something? Any advice would be great and helpful.
Thanks.
Title: Re: Supportive of my SO
Post by: arice on April 23, 2016, 08:07:16 PM
Post by: arice on April 23, 2016, 08:07:16 PM
I think it depends on a person's individual needs. You know your spouse better than any of us...
I do think you should talk to your spouse about the session. See what their perception of it is. Ask what they would like you to do.
As for the binder bit, I would probably be embarrassed if my husband asked about binders in public... because it's talking about a body part I don't feel comfortable with. I would not feel the same embarrassment if he researched them in private.
As for being supportive, I love that my husband is my advocate (in gender as well as other things). His support is critical for me as is openness and honesty about what makes us each uncomfortable.
I would say that support is always great as long as you are able to respect privacy... check before sharing would be my advice.
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I do think you should talk to your spouse about the session. See what their perception of it is. Ask what they would like you to do.
As for the binder bit, I would probably be embarrassed if my husband asked about binders in public... because it's talking about a body part I don't feel comfortable with. I would not feel the same embarrassment if he researched them in private.
As for being supportive, I love that my husband is my advocate (in gender as well as other things). His support is critical for me as is openness and honesty about what makes us each uncomfortable.
I would say that support is always great as long as you are able to respect privacy... check before sharing would be my advice.
Sent from my SM-G870W using Tapatalk