Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hi everyone,

My name is Claire, and I'm a 22-year-old trans girl. I've been transitioning for 19 months, am very confident and passable, and am in stealth. This, in conjunction with a recent realization that my college graduation is looming, has made me very happy, but pain still remains, which I should probably have expected.

A lot of what triggers this pain I speak of is inadvertently encountering photos of my old self and my old life---it's extremely difficult for me. They pop up in the most unexpected of places, and even encountering one such picture will throw me into a terrible mood. A lot of the time, what happens is that I get this nauseous feeling, and I get really visceral sensations in my gut. :( Then I feel really detached because I apprehend that I've come from a different mold than effectively any other woman I know, and it makes me feel invalidated even though I shouldn't. Yes, I'm aware that lacking self-acceptance is at the core of my dilemma...

However, what I'm concerned with right now is something that I can treat in the short-term: What the heck do I do with all of my pre-transition photos? What does everyone else do with their pre-transition photos?

My gf is a young trans woman like I am, and she has saved a few important photos and placed them on a single album on her computer. I, myself, can't let go of that old life I had, that comprised a different person, a different family, and essentially a different everything. Yet, I flip the bleep out whenever I encounter its moments because I was miserable. Should I just delete all of them and move on?

Thanks,
Claire

I use them to see my progression plus the fact that the reality is that it's all a progression and I like me.

 :)

The only photos of me that are around in boy mode are like old school photos my mom has hanging up. Still don't like them but she refuses to take them down. :-\ If I had some of me... I would probably put them in a box or something and hide it away. Gone, but if I ever really wanted to I could go back and get them out.

Quote from: gymrat93 on April 24, 2016, 07:24:01 PM
What the heck do I do with all of my pre-transition photos? What does everyone else do with their pre-transition photos?

Even though it makes you sick to view them, I think your best bet is to devote an hour/morning/day (whatever the case may be) to consolidate all of your photos; both/either physical and/or digital and make a hard & serious choice:  Tuck them away in a very private place for a very long time or shred / delete them.

With that said... I was sure that when I was 22 or so that I would never ever ever want or need to look at all my middle & high school love notes (all folded up into triangles; so cute).  So 22 year old me threw them all away, along with my prom rose and various pictures.  22 year old me had no regard for future me and guess what??  Yep, you guessed it... I would cry the Nile if I had a chance to see all of those again; but I never will.  My point is:  Maybe future you won't be so despondent about your pre-self pics like present you is.  Maybe... just maybe... future you would love the memories of said pics... decades down the road.

Think about it really well.

But for now, get them all together and do something with them.  Leave no stone unturned; no bong unsmoked, and no.. wait.. what was I saying..... ?

Old pics of me seriously don't bother me. They're still me no matter what I looked like.

Funny I spent most of the afternoon organising a store room in my house. I found photo albums from the 1970's. Yes they had cameras then :laugh:

I just looked in fascination; who was that guy?

Quote from: Ⓥ on April 24, 2016, 09:29:37 PM
Even though it makes you sick to view them, I think your best bet is to devote an hour/morning/day (whatever the case may be) to consolidate all of your photos; both/either physical and/or digital and make a hard & serious choice:  Tuck them away in a very private place for a very long time or shred / delete them.

With that said... I was sure that when I was 22 or so that I would never ever ever want or need to look at all my middle & high school love notes (all folded up into triangles; so cute).  So 22 year old me threw them all away, along with my prom rose and various pictures.  22 year old me had no regard for future me and guess what??  Yep, you guessed it... I would cry the Nile if I had a chance to see all of those again; but I never will.  My point is:  Maybe future you won't be so despondent about your pre-self pics like present you is.  Maybe... just maybe... future you would love the memories of said pics... decades down the road.

Think about it really well.

But for now, get them all together and do something with them.  Leave no stone unturned; no bong unsmoked, and no.. wait.. what was I saying..... ?

I threw all of my pre transition pictures away also, and now I only have a couple of childhood photos with family, and 2 pictures from right before I started HRT. And now, I want those pictures back.

I make a frowny/cringe type face when I see old boy mode photos, I don't feel the need to destroy them though.
 

I never hated my life as a male, I'm proud of his achievements and they reflect my life story and it's journey. If they upset you now then just box and store them, you will want to look at them one day.

I have digitized the family collection dating back to the civil war. Each picture has a story to tell and I have kept the few pictures of myself that exist. I was always the one behind the camera so my history is somewhat spotty. Store the pictures away if you don't want to look at them but some day in the future when you again become comfortable with your past, you will enjoy each one of them.

Claire,

Welcome to the site. It is a really good question you bring up. I think the reactions to the photos may depend on where we are in our journey's. I have always hated photos of myself and find them triggering(even before I accepted what and why they were triggering). So like Dena, I was more often behind the camera, but by design.

I look forward to the description Cindy has. I already have problems recognizing myself but that is just a weird disconnect I have. I hope to get to a point where I can look at him from a distance and be interested.

I also wanted to share some links with you. We pass them on to newly posting members. Mostly welcome info but also the rules of the site. If you have not taken a moment to read them, please take a moment now:

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)	Standard Terms & Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html)	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.)
Reputation rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.0.html)	News posting & quoting guidelines (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,174951.0.html)	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,59974.msg383866.html#msg383866)

I hope you are able to work through your challenge. Look forward to seeing your posts. I also hope you find what you are looking for.

With warmth,

Joanna

I treat them with a grain of salt.  It certainly did not used to be that way but it no longer causes any turmoil for me to see them because they have lost their power.  This only came about as I gained my own 'new' power in who I am by way of self confidence.  You have the same ahead of you.   :)   Dani

I seldom post my old photos in open places like Facebook and Susan's here. But I show them to my family and friends.

barbie~~

Quote from: gymrat93 on April 24, 2016, 07:24:01 PM
Hi everyone,

My name is Claire, and I'm a 22-year-old trans girl. I've been transitioning for 19 months, am very confident and passable, and am in stealth. This, in conjunction with a recent realization that my college graduation is looming, has made me very happy, but pain still remains, which I should probably have expected.

A lot of what triggers this pain I speak of is inadvertently encountering photos of my old self and my old life---it's extremely difficult for me. They pop up in the most unexpected of places, and even encountering one such picture will throw me into a terrible mood. A lot of the time, what happens is that I get this nauseous feeling, and I get really visceral sensations in my gut. :( Then I feel really detached because I apprehend that I've come from a different mold than effectively any other woman I know, and it makes me feel invalidated even though I shouldn't. Yes, I'm aware that lacking self-acceptance is at the core of my dilemma...

However, what I'm concerned with right now is something that I can treat in the short-term: What the heck do I do with all of my pre-transition photos? What does everyone else do with their pre-transition photos?

My gf is a young trans woman like I am, and she has saved a few important photos and placed them on a single album on her computer. I, myself, can't let go of that old life I had, that comprised a different person, a different family, and essentially a different everything. Yet, I flip the bleep out whenever I encounter its moments because I was miserable. Should I just delete all of them and move on?

Thanks,
Claire

Remember your past. Dream for your future. Make the present happen.

Claire addresses a common trigger for some of us and I appreciate the thoughtful responses.  Each transition is different but having some reference pieces of our past can be important too.

I imagine it is a more difficult question when someone starts transition at a younger age and has a stealth goal.  For me the volumes of material potentially outing me or connecting me to my past is simply too great to think I could ever erase it.  And then, like some, my past is part of my current reality too and part of how I got here. 

Some of the old pics that most trigger me are those where i can sense that vacant "this is not me" feeling.  I can also look back at a timeline that shows my progression toward androgyny and then transition.

Quote from: Tessa James on April 26, 2016, 02:31:27 PM
Claire addresses a common trigger for some of us and I appreciate the thoughtful responses.  Each transition is different but having some reference pieces of our past can be important too.

I imagine it is a more difficult question when someone starts transition at a younger age and has a stealth goal.  For me the volumes of material potentially outing me or connecting me to my past is simply too great to think I could ever erase it.  And then, like some, my past is part of my current reality too and part of how I got here. 

Some of the old pics that most trigger me are those where i can sense that vacant "this is not me" feeling.  I can also look back at a timeline that shows my progression toward androgyny and then transition.

Excellent contribution---thanks. It wasn't until I realized that I would be fortunate enough to be able to pull off stealth that I started to feel loathing of my former self. I simply didn't realize that I would make it to where I am. As straight men started to pursue me, and I realized that that makes me feel really validated, and that I prefer it, I started getting extremely visceral sensations about the mold from which I've come.... :(

Even today, as this guy next door has been chatting me up for the fifth time, I've experienced so many stomach-churning sensations because I don't feel valid enough for him. As such, when I see my former self, I want to freaking run away forever.... I embraced it at one time, running a YouTube channel and a big Tumblr blog about trans issues, but I find myself trying to bury the whole transition thing, even from.myself....

Claire

Also, there is an added layer of difficulty that makes pre-transition photos immensely difficult for me, and that is that I simply was leading someone else's life. My family is now estranged from me, and I ran off to a different location - and even changed my full name - so I could live independent of the transition baggage I incurred.

And, I internalized a lot of the horrendous things people said to me early in my transition, resulting in a .mentality in which I feel like I am, to the average person, subhuman, if and when people learn what I really am.

I.e., I've been conditioned to despise myself for transitioning.

Thanks, everyone, for your responses so far.
Claire

I think there is a larger issue here. I accepted my past and it's a part of me. I work off a don't ask, don't tell policy and I have long before Bill Clinton said the line. I am what I am today because of what came before and I would be a far different person without those memories, skill and lessons I learned. It's best to accept the past but don't let it dominate the future. When you have a firm foundation in your new life you will be better able to face the past memories so just store them away. If in 10 or 20 years you still feel the same way, they can still be discarded but if you discard them now, you will never be able to recover them.

the only pictures I have are the ones I took with the webcam when I registered for Susan's. A sister I haven't seen in 20 years says she has a box of family pictures. I haven't seen them in twenty years.