Susan's Place Transgender Resources

For anyone out there who is a SO or still with their SO after transition, how has your life changed? I am a cis female that wants to stay with my boyfriend who recently told me he wants to transition. I'm scared about a lot of things but I love him so much. We had a lot of plans for our future such as having children. I recently read that hrt can cause sterility? Are there certain ones that do more than others? Also, for those that did go through or are still on HRT, can you still be physically intimate with your partner , or if there is loss of function can it return after the hormones stop? Did you lose attraction to your SO and start feeling difgerent about your sexual preference? Our relationship is so much more than that obv- which is why I am still here, but those are some questions I was looking for answers about. Also, for those that are trans, was it difficult for your SO, and how did you make it through that time in transition? I want to be as supportive as possible, but in a wierd way i feel like I need support too- I guess cause it is all so new and uncertain to me. I'm not really concerned as much about what other people think. I'm concerned about keeping him or her in my life and our happiness. I just know that I'm scared of losing someone important to me and maybe if I understood more I would feel better. Thanks.

I am not a SO but I can answer a couple of your questions. HRT may diminish sexual drive but not the need for affection or sexual preference. Some of us discover we are bisexual after the social restrictions are released but many of us remain true to our life partner. You know the divorce figures as well as I do and normal couples often have divorce rates of over 50% so I can't promise you anything other than you have a normal chance of staying together.

If going on HRT and a family is desired, it's a good idea to preserve sperm for latter use. There is a storage cost but it will allow both of you to have children of your own blood.

The best answers will come from discussions with your SO between the two of you and possibly with a therapist involved. I have hopes that you will stay together and if you are willing to accept the changes that will happen, it's possible you will.

Dear GNB,
My wife is not here to answer, but I can tell you what she has said many times when asked about us staying together. She says that she fell in love with my soul, not my gender. The things she liked best about me involved my female self. My "she" side is sensitive, caring, loving and a whole lot nicer person. My "he" side was shameful, angry, and emotionally unavailable many times. I would be willing to bet that a lot of the reason you love your significant other is because of the "she" aspects of "their" personality. If your SO can proceed on a path to true self, I imagine "they" will be happier possibly  making things better for your relationship. We are together 37 years and she has known since the beginning. She is amazing, accepting me long before I could accept myself. I cannot answer questions about the medical aspects. I can tell you that happiness is possible. Communication and honesty are a must to make it work. Best wishes!
Moni

Thank you both for your responses. I guess I need to be patient and try to be positive going forward and know that I don't have all the answers right now.  I totally agree that love/lasting marriage/happiness is about loving the person's soul and being their best friend  - I never thought if someone had asked me that Id be thinking about these decisions and dealing with a situation like this. But it has taught me a lot about what it is to love someone.

Patience and positive attitude are issues I still sometimes have difficulties with after all these years. We can plan out our life in great detail but life has a habit of throwing a wrench into the works altering our plans. The strange thing is often things can turn out better than they would have if we could have stuck to our plans.

Quote from: gnb984 on April 25, 2016, 09:47:20 PM
Thank you both for your responses. I guess I need to be patient and try to be positive going forward and know that I don't have all the answers right now.  I totally agree that love/lasting marriage/happiness is about loving the person's soul and behind their best friend  - I never thought if someone had asked me that Id be thinking about these decisions and dealing with a situation like this. But it has taught me a lot about what it is to love someone.

Hi again:)
Yes be patient not all answers will come at once:)
You love your partner regardless of gender, this is obvious.
If I could go back and talk to myself... 5 months ago I would be saying to myself "take it slow, listen to each other and support each other"... Love runs deeper then gender:)
Good luck, I look forward to hearing about your progress.
X

Also not an SO but happy to tell you what little I can from my world.

My own wife has really loved the changes within me as my personality, emotions, everything evolved over the past 17 months and particularly since starting HRT telling me regularly she would never swap me for "him" and I truly believe her.

BUT she really struggles conceptually with me being female and what everyone else in the world might think.
Understandable as it wont be the life she originally planned out for herself and she is good at worrying so sees plenty of potential problems.

Generally she is ok and has got used to how I am, dress, play, bounce when excited etc but if she needs to talk or think about my transition in particular she can kinda break and her defense reaction is aggression (my fault as "he" was very good at arguing and always had to "win" she learned to go into a "chat" hard and fast /sigh)

Sexually I remain only interested in my wife and manage to satisfy her better orally than I ever did with regular sex.
Also released from my own sexual burden (thank goodness as I was like an animal at times) I am happy just getting her off without me obsessing about my own relief.

I do not doubt that I could physically have "normal" sex but for me it would be a lie to have sex with her like a man as I want to love her and make love to her as a woman.
It's nice to give her my full attention and have her enjoy time that is just for her.
Feel free to scream TMI btw.

My favourite activity is simply holding each other close and kissing any time any place as although in the past I was very emotionally detached the exact opposite is true now that I am restored.

If anything I would say I love her more with every passing day and hope she stays with me in the end but I will let her go if that is what she wants.

It sounds to me like your future husband/wife is very lucky to have you and I hope things work out for you both.

If there is anything I can help with feel free to ask.

Jerrica.. thank you SO much for your post.. It's awesome to hear how happy you are not only with yourself with your wife as well. Your wife sounds like me in that she worries a lot. It's one  that caused the biggest problems in our relationship so far. I need to hear things more than once sometimes or need re-affirmation of how my partner feels, but sometimes in the past that came off as me being overly needy. The hard thing now is with the whole coming of this transition there is actually real reasons for me to have questions/ concerns/ need for reassurance as both of our lives could be completely changed. So unfortunately it caused me to escalate my actions that already bothered my partner.. And has pushed them away :( I've taken a lot of time to think about and realize that I will be ok with this change- I think it was the initial shock of how quickly it evolved that left me feeling frantic. My partner had a lot of his own anxiety and anger about himself/at life which I think actually was stemming from holding this in for so long. I think that left him on edge and unable to let me in like he used to until finally this all came out. My insecurities were/are something I still need to work on, but  I guess I'm hoping that if he/she will forgive me and open up to me again that they still want our future together. I feel really left out in the dark and want to share in this experience with them and help them along the way.
What you have with your wife sounds exactly like what I want/ hope with my partner. I'm hoping that they will be the person I know they are when they are themselves and happy- I just want that emotional closeness again.
You've been on HRT for 3 months and still are only attracted to your wife? I know the decline in drive is common- I still want to make her feel beautiful and womanly, I guess I've read lots of other people on here saying that early on in hrt but as they continue longer they start liking guys only and their wife/gf isn't enough. This terrifies me.. I know nothing is for sure in life.. I  just don't want her attraction to change be for men and want to leave me cause then there's really nothing I can do. :-/
I have thought about what other people might think.. Sometimes it worries me a little- cause I know I'm freely choosing an alternate life than what I had planned. I think in today's society so many kinds of love are accepted and I believe that the acceptance is only going to grow. I know my family will be accepting even if it is difficult for them  and I feel like people who truly love me and my partner will be as well. At the end of the day I'm the one who comes home to her and hopefully spends my life with her- and that's what really matters to me.
I was wondering, do you have or plan to have children? That is something I don't want to give up on..
I hope things keep going well for you and your wife as well.

I actually have 3 children. 2 girls (11 & 5) and 1 boy (6).

My eldest is fully aware of everything and has been a constant source of amazement as to how clued up she is on everything. Also remarkably a source of strength especially at first when I was at my weakest and in real fear of disappearing again. Bit complicated to explain that bit but might do it under another post later.

My younger children know all my girlie likes (favourite colour is pink, my fave pony is Rarity etc), that my new name for other people is Gerry (until I get to rename then it will be Jerri), I am their Dad and most importantly that I love them and always will.

Oh and most recently they know I have a girl brain and a boy body previously they had decided on their own that my brain was pink. My son says I'm not allowed to change my body to a girl body as only a witch can do it so to ask his Mum or sister. I just smiled and said we'll see maybe someday. Small steps, I know the kids could easily handle it but kids talk so making it as simple as possible for them.

From the sex standpoint I have no reason to expect any change there. I (he) was previously pretty much obsessed with sex to the point of it being harmful to the relationship with my wife. I can now enjoy physical intimacy so much more without being possessed by that animalistic need.

Relationshipwise I have gone a full 180 from very detached and uncaring to very loving and at times a bit (a lot) needy.

My only real fears in this world in order.

1. Losing me (not for selfish reasons but because it would let "him" back in and my family deserve better)
2. Losing my wife (chances fluctuate but hopefully slowly dropping)
3. Losing my kids (very doubtful but fear exists)

It's a complicated world we live in but I like to keep things simple. I am me at all times (no girl or boy mode - so I guess I'm always in girl mode then, cool) and my family love me.

Everything else even getting to have my own name is just details that will take care of themselves in the fullness of time.

QUOTE:
At the end of the day I'm the one who comes home to her and hopefully spends my life with her- and that's what really matters to me.

Hi, correct:) you sound so loving towards your partner... You love her soul, regardless of gender:)

QUOTE:
I was wondering, do you have or plan to have children? That is something I don't want to give up on..

Hi, Have you considered freezing her sperm? And possibly your eggs for later on? Sorry this is without me knowing your age:) it's a good way to safe guard yourselves if she goes on hormones. This was a big concern to me as well. I suggest talking about it, quite early on:) There are many lesbian couples who have children:)

Keep communicating together as a couple. You're doing a great job:)

Also not an SO, but I can tell you how mine has progressed.

I was seeing a very hetero woman and eventually came out to her because my mood swings over suppressing this were starting to affect the relationship and I didn't want to lose the ability to keep her as a friend if she wasn't okay with it. It turned out she was okay with it, but things changed and although I'm sure she had thought things through, I'm not sure she was as prepared as she could have been.

We're still together and married with 5 kids. I think this is where your situation differs and it can be significant if you want kids still, but there is hope. Your SO can turn to storing their sperm for future use. The hormones affect different people differently. My sex drive went from 10 to 0. For some, it increases. I believe for all, sperm production stops after several months, so it would be important to store it first.

I'm on HRT and full time. I can still enjoy sex, but I don't get in the mood anymore without already being in the act. This has caused some issues for me personally because she ends up not getting her needs fulfilled and when I try to do it anyway, it turns into an argument about how wrong it is for her to do that if I don't like it. So we kind of go back and forth between her needing it and her not wanting me to fake it. I liked women before starting and that has not changed. It's just primarily on an emotional level now.

I'm sure you've thought all of these scenarios through, but you'll want to make sure you have support, aside from your SO, to deal with them as they arise. Love is love works great, but eventually the world that's been crashing down on your SO is going to come for you too. People treat her differently now because they see us as a lesbian couple. We don't do any PDA, but people still see it. She's lost friends and family over supporting me too.

Communicate, communicate, communicate! I can't stress this enough. Your SO will be going through teenage girl mood swings for a bit and she won't realize how snippy she's getting. When that happens, the tiniest things could be blown out of proportion quickly, so make sure they're communicated as soon as possible, from both of you!

The community needs more SO support groups too. She also is dying to have other people to talk to about all this. She says she's even more of a minority than I am and she's right. She's not gay or bi, but she's being treated like she is because she loves me and it's getting to her. She's finding people she's known her entire life are anti-trans activists and having to deal with pushing lifelong friends out of her life. Taking her to therapy with me helped, but she really needs a way to speak to someone about all this without me in the room.

It does work though. She's as much my own support pillar as I am hers. She builds up my confidence to levels I've never known and I make sure she knows how much she's loved and appreciated.

Hey y'all, thanks for the responses! I've done a lot of reading/ research, and it seems that younger kids are extremely understanding and less affected by transition.  Adaptability and understanding in children has always been fascinating to me -- maybe it's because they aren't tainted as of yet by our society's negative opinions.  I guess in my case they would all come after my partner transitioned.  There have also been studies published recently, especially one in the journal of pediatrics (the doctor in me is coming out) that say that children raised by same sex parents show no difference in emotional/mental development and competence. Jerrica-- I love the "pink" brain with a boy body explanation  :)

Im 29, my partner is a little older than me.. I know I still have a decent amount of time left with my eggs, but I really want them to consider freezing their sperm, as HRT is a form of chemical castration.  We always talked about having children, but when I brought this up to them again in light of everything that has transpired recently, they acted like it wasn't really on their mind.  I can only hope that the Dr's/ center they go to will emphasize this as well, as this may be something irreversible, which I actually didn't know until recently- not only if they want to be with me/have kids but if they even have a thought of wanting them with someone in the future.

Emileee- I definitely know that it won't always be sunshine and rainbows.  I know I will be judged by others and so will my SO.  The profession I will have will have me interacting with many people in my community.  This concerned me more if my partner was cross dressing part of the time and not full time. If they transition fully we will just be judged as lesbians.  Yet, I realized that I know people in my profession who are homosexual who are very successful and it does not interfere with their career.  I know our future lifetyle would still comes with judgement, and I've thought a lot more about this recently.  Like I have said before, I already know the people that really matter in my own life support me and her, and if we are in it together hopefully we can make it through other difficult times.   I know there might be times when it is hard- but I feel like the person I met is still worth it. I do feel like there needs to be more support groups for us out there.  is your wife on the forum? You can always PM me... if it lets me do that yet?

Speaking of support.  JamieJ-- I'm trying to do a good job. My insecurity in the past has caused problems in our relationship, but this transition has only made it a little bit worse.  A little while back I was at a low point and really sad/ filled with questions, and as I mentioned before, it really upset my partner, probably because she already had so much anxiety about coming out about all of this. Unfortunately she is not speaking to me right now, but I can just keep hoping she will again soon and we can work this out. I have thought a lot more about everything and I know this is what I want. 

Even though i know it is what I want, both of us have to want it.  Emileee, to answer your question, I do have a supportive family and friends, but I begun to see a therapist who has a special interest in transgender people transitioning and their SO's and families.  She told me I have been super supportive (she almost sounded surprised) but that transitioning has to be a team effort if you are a couple, because your life is changing too.  I think my partner has been carrying this around for a long time-- I know she must be scared and excited at the same time- but I need to still feel that she's there and supports me too.  I just hope we can both move forward and grow closer through all of this.I guess right now all I can do is wait.   

Quote from: gnb984 on May 03, 2016, 06:04:49 PM
...
is your wife on the forum? You can always PM me... if it lets me do that yet?

I don't know to be honest. I sent her here when I first told her and I know she's been in here, but I think she felt like there wasn't enough activity in the SO forums to warrant checking in a lot. I can see if she'd chat with you.

Quote from: gnb984 on May 03, 2016, 06:04:49 PM
Even though i know it is what I want, both of us have to want it.  Emileee, to answer your question, I do have a supportive family and friends, but I begun to see a therapist who has a special interest in transgender people transitioning and their SO's and families.  She told me I have been super supportive (she almost sounded surprised) but that transitioning has to be a team effort if you are a couple, because your life is changing too.  I think my partner has been carrying this around for a long time-- I know she must be scared and excited at the same time- but I need to still feel that she's there and supports me too.  I just hope we can both move forward and grow closer through all of this.I guess right now all I can do is wait.

It's tough for me sometimes, but I do get the feeling that she's having a harder time emotionally with this than I am.

Quote from: gnb984 on May 03, 2016, 06:04:49 PM
Hey y'all, thanks for the responses! I've done a lot of reading/ research, and it seems that younger kids are extremely understanding and less affected by transition.  Adaptability and understanding in children has always been fascinating to me -- maybe it's because they aren't tainted as of yet by our society's negative opinions.  I guess in my case they would all come after my partner transitioned.  There have also been studies published recently, especially one in the journal of pediatrics (the doctor in me is coming out) that say that children raised by same sex parents show no difference in emotional/mental development and competence. Jerrica-- I love the "pink" brain with a boy body explanation  :)

Im 29, my partner is a little older than me.. I know I still have a decent amount of time left with my eggs, but I really want them to consider freezing their sperm, as HRT is a form of chemical castration.  We always talked about having children, but when I brought this up to them again in light of everything that has transpired recently, they acted like it wasn't really on their mind.  I can only hope that the Dr's/ center they go to will emphasize this as well, as this may be something irreversible, which I actually didn't know until recently- not only if they want to be with me/have kids but if they even have a thought of wanting them with someone in the future.

Emileee- I definitely know that it won't always be sunshine and rainbows.  I know I will be judged by others and so will my SO.  The profession I will have will have me interacting with many people in my community.  This concerned me more if my partner was cross dressing part of the time and not full time. If they transition fully we will just be judged as lesbians.  Yet, I realized that I know people in my profession who are homosexual who are very successful and it does not interfere with their career.  I know our future lifetyle would still comes with judgement, and I've thought a lot more about this recently.  Like I have said before, I already know the people that really matter in my own life support me and her, and if we are in it together hopefully we can make it through other difficult times.   I know there might be times when it is hard- but I feel like the person I met is still worth it. I do feel like there needs to be more support groups for us out there.  is your wife on the forum? You can always PM me... if it lets me do that yet?

Speaking of support.  JamieJ-- I'm trying to do a good job. My insecurity in the past has caused problems in our relationship, but this transition has only made it a little bit worse.  A little while back I was at a low point and really sad/ filled with questions, and as I mentioned before, it really upset my partner, probably because she already had so much anxiety about coming out about all of this. Unfortunately she is not speaking to me right now, but I can just keep hoping she will again soon and we can work this out. I have thought a lot more about everything and I know this is what I want. 

Even though i know it is what I want, both of us have to want it.  Emileee, to answer your question, I do have a supportive family and friends, but I begun to see a therapist who has a special interest in transgender people transitioning and their SO's and families.  She told me I have been super supportive (she almost sounded surprised) but that transitioning has to be a team effort if you are a couple, because your life is changing too.  I think my partner has been carrying this around for a long time-- I know she must be scared and excited at the same time- but I need to still feel that she's there and supports me too.  I just hope we can both move forward and grow closer through all of this.I guess right now all I can do is wait.

Hi
I will reply again in more detail later:)
Do not be to concerned about her not speaking to you right now... Easier said then done. We all react differently as SO at the start... I flew off the handle.. But later discovered she could be turning into an alien and I would still love her forever!
She will come around to talking to you... You are both processing allot right now:)
Marie

HI, how are you getting on? x

Terrible, after giving my partner space, I asked how much more space/time they needed so I could mentally deal with it.  Instead they told me they didn't want to be with me, and when i just kept asking for a reason or a conversation in person like adults have, they wouldn't give it to me.  Then I sent an email explaining that I wanted to be with her no matter how far she took her transition and that I was excited to share in all of that with her. And that I was seeking counseling for my own insecurities and  wanted to be able to move forward together in this. I unconditionally love her and want to be by her side.. Instead she showed up at my apartments tonight and left all my stuff in the lobby, and didn't tell me till afterwards.  She won't answer any of my calls and only threatens me via text. Strange thing is she kept all of the nice clothes I said she could have and the expensive items as well.. even though I told her I was giving her the items assuming we wouldn't break up.  I just wanted a face to face conversation and I don't know why I don't deserve that.  I have been so open to love unconditionally and now suddenly I am a bad person.   All I wanted was a conversation like adults can have.  I am heartbroken and lost. I don't know what is going on. This is the person that I thought I would marry, and had reassured me through all of this that I had their love no matter what. I am so hurt and I don't know what to do.

Quote from: gnb984 on May 05, 2016, 10:29:14 PM
Terrible, after giving my partner space, I asked how much more space/time they needed so I could mentally deal with it.  Instead they told me they didn't want to be with me, and when i just kept asking for a reason or a conversation in person like adults have, they wouldn't give it to me.  Then I sent an email explaining that I wanted to be with her no matter how far she took her transition and that I was excited to share in all of that with her. And that I was seeking counseling for my own insecurities and  wanted to be able to move forward together in this. I unconditionally love her and want to be by her side.. Instead she showed up at my apartments tonight and left all my stuff in the lobby, and didn't tell me till afterwards.  She won't answer any of my calls and only threatens me via text. Strange thing is she kept all of the nice clothes I said she could have and the expensive items as well.. even though I told her I was giving her the items assuming we wouldn't break up.  I just wanted a face to face conversation and I don't know why I don't deserve that.  I have been so open to love unconditionally and now suddenly I am a bad person.   All I wanted was a conversation like adults can have.  I am heartbroken and lost. I don't know what is going on. This is the person that I thought I would marry, and had reassured me through all of this that I had their love no matter what. I am so hurt and I don't know what to do.

Oh Hun, I know that feeling:(
It's aweful I know... But hang in there:) so somethings for you, things you enjoy and see how things are in a few days. Easier said then done I know!!
She will be going through so many things in her mind as well...

X

Hi, I hope that things are getting better... you seem really kind and understanding. Your partner is blessed to have that kind of support from you.

Your last post was a little heartbreaking to read, it felt unfair... It prompted me to post but I fear there might be little I can say to help. My experience was different... before and while transitioning, my partner(s) were men, and my transition was also in their interest... or, at the very least, something that they knew about before dating me.
I can't give insight into your partner's behaviour because I have no idea what must be going through her mind. All I can do is be encouraging, and continue to follow your story =( I hope things get better soon. I'm not sure what advice to give, but feel free to use my PM inbox if you need to talk to anyone more directly...

Hang in there =(

I hope things turn around for you two. She could be struggling with some emotions of her own and unable to get through them. Being accepted that way could be shocking. Has she told any family or friends? If so, did they take it badly? I had a ridiculous amount of family walk away when I needed them most because of this and it crushed me. But communication is more important right now than ever before. This is the time she needs the most support. It's shocking that she'd turn it away. With that much love, I would expect her to want to at least work things out to remain friends if that's as far as she wants to go with it all.

For me, I was so sure that nobody would ever accept me as myself, that I tried to break off the relationship just like I had for every relationship prior to this one. My thinking was that her life would be better without me, that I was doing her a favor. When she totally accepted me, I felt like she didn't hear what I said. When she said she did, I thought she hadn't thought it all through, so I grilled her on the possible issues. Didn't phase her. Then I was worried that she was going to leave me when she started to actually see the changes. She kept saying she was afraid I wouldn't love her anymore and all I kept hearing was that she was afraid that she would stop loving me. Seeing how people treat her and the kids differently because of their support of me, I sometimes wonder if it was even worth it. I actually like myself for a change, but what it's doing to my family is killing me.

Hi
I think all the replies on here are very helpful:)
I hope you're feeling better today:)
Feel free to message me:)
Marie


Significant other
Heterosexual woman

Hey gnb948

I'm just so heart sorry for your being rejected. Personally I would love my wife to feel as you do. Unfortunately I cannot shed any light on your partners behaviour as I can only compare to my own life which is very different.

From what I have read I would definitely say you are not a bad person and really shouldn't beat yourself up over it. To the contrary I feel it is safe to say most would love to have as understanding and loving a partner as yourself.

Truly hope things work out somehow but hope is all I can offer I'm afraid.

Thanks for all of the supportive responses. I don't even know where to begin. My partner gave me a short phone call and didn't even sound like them self and was so mean. I had given her time apart with the promise that we could work things out but I guess she realized she doesn't love me anymore. I don't know how someone can change that so quickly. She says that this isn't about her transition but then kept mentioning stuff about it. I know in my heart that it is So connected to all of this. How was I supposed to not have questions or emotions about everything? Now she suddenly says she isn't sure if she wants to date guys or not. These were all things she had promised me about. I'm so open and I had even told her we could explore that in the future if we were doing it together -- and she like was not into that at all so I don't know where this is coming from.
I have never been so hurt in my life and I cannot stop crying. I've done so much to help and given her so much- when she treated me like dirt I told her I want it back. Because I felt so used, and instead I got called a bad person and if I ever loved her that she could keep all of it. So I'll let her. I don't know what has happened to the person I met. My things are more important to her than me. It kills me to know she's sitting there wearing all my stuff but doesn't even want me in her life anymore. I don't know how she can do that- I wouldn't be able to live with that. She told me I was the reason that she had enough confidence to realize this about herself because I'm the only person in their life that ever let them truly be who they are. That no matter what I had her and her love and that would never change. I even told my family about us and how I wanted to stand by her side. I guess maybe it's just me that's not good enough. I feel like this is my fault. That I wasn't good enough to make her happy . I don't understand why I'm thrown by wayside. I am completely broken. I had never had someone love me the way I thought she did. We had so many plans for our future and I don't even know if our entire relationship was a lie. I am so hurt and at the same time I keep hoping that she will change her mind - I feel like I've lost the most important person in the world to me and I am so lost and hurt I don't know what to do. Thank y'all for thinking of me

Quote from: gnb984 on May 07, 2016, 09:31:32 PM
Thanks for all of the supportive responses. I don't even know where to begin. My partner gave me a short phone call and didn't even sound like them self and was so mean. I had given her time apart with the promise that we could work things out but I guess she realized she doesn't love me anymore. I don't know how someone can change that so quickly. She says that this isn't about her transition but then kept mentioning stuff about it. I know in my heart that it is So connected to all of this. How was I supposed to not have questions or emotions about everything? Now she suddenly says she isn't sure if she wants to date guys or not. These were all things she had promised me about. I'm so open and I had even told her we could explore that in the future if we were doing it together -- and she like was not into that at all so I don't know where this is coming from.
I have never been so hurt in my life and I cannot stop crying. I've done so much to help and given her so much- when she treated me like dirt I told her I want it back. Because I felt so used, and instead I got called a bad person and if I ever loved her that she could keep all of it. So I'll let her. I don't know what has happened to the person I met. My things are more important to her than me. It kills me to know she's sitting there wearing all my stuff but doesn't even want me in her life anymore. I don't know how she can do that- I wouldn't be able to live with that. She told me I was the reason that she had enough confidence to realize this about herself because I'm the only person in their life that ever let them truly be who they are. That no matter what I had her and her love and that would never change. I even told my family about us and how I wanted to stand by her side. I guess maybe it's just me that's not good enough. I feel like this is my fault. That I wasn't good enough to make her happy . I don't understand why I'm thrown by wayside. I am completely broken. I had never had someone love me the way I thought she did. We had so many plans for our future and I don't even know if our entire relationship was a lie. I am so hurt and at the same time I keep hoping that she will change her mind - I feel like I've lost the most important person in the world to me and I am so lost and hurt I don't know what to do. Thank y'all for thinking of me

I'm so sorry. I don't even know what to say. But this is not your fault. Never believe that you're not good enough.

You do seem to be so amazing and deserve better than you are getting.

It is tragic that you gave her the strength to free herself and the first thing she does is reject you. That's just so unfair.

I honestly don't know what to hope for you with regards to her coming back or not.

All I can say is that I hope your luck changes and get some much deserved happiness.

Quote from: gnb984 on May 07, 2016, 09:31:32 PM
Thanks for all of the supportive responses. I don't even know where to begin. My partner gave me a short phone call and didn't even sound like them self and was so mean. I had given her time apart with the promise that we could work things out but I guess she realized she doesn't love me anymore. I don't know how someone can change that so quickly. She says that this isn't about her transition but then kept mentioning stuff about it. I know in my heart that it is So connected to all of this. How was I supposed to not have questions or emotions about everything? Now she suddenly says she isn't sure if she wants to date guys or not. These were all things she had promised me about. I'm so open and I had even told her we could explore that in the future if we were doing it together -- and she like was not into that at all so I don't know where this is coming from.
I have never been so hurt in my life and I cannot stop crying. I've done so much to help and given her so much- when she treated me like dirt I told her I want it back. Because I felt so used, and instead I got called a bad person and if I ever loved her that she could keep all of it. So I'll let her. I don't know what has happened to the person I met. My things are more important to her than me. It kills me to know she's sitting there wearing all my stuff but doesn't even want me in her life anymore. I don't know how she can do that- I wouldn't be able to live with that. She told me I was the reason that she had enough confidence to realize this about herself because I'm the only person in their life that ever let them truly be who they are. That no matter what I had her and her love and that would never change. I even told my family about us and how I wanted to stand by her side. I guess maybe it's just me that's not good enough. I feel like this is my fault. That I wasn't good enough to make her happy . I don't understand why I'm thrown by wayside. I am completely broken. I had never had someone love me the way I thought she did. We had so many plans for our future and I don't even know if our entire relationship was a lie. I am so hurt and at the same time I keep hoping that she will change her mind - I feel like I've lost the most important person in the world to me and I am so lost and hurt I don't know what to do. Thank y'all for thinking of me

I almost cried when I read this:(
I feel for you so deeply, I know the pain you're feeling..
This is not your fault... Somehow try to smile, you did everything that you could:) xx

I just can't stop feeling like this has happened for the wrong reasons- its hard for me to believe my partner didn't love me anymore, when they just were telling me how much they did, and how they couldn't even see me in person and wanted to keep our pictures.  We had broken up one other time in the past and they said they had only said that cause they were upset at me... I don't know. I have had a lot of insecurities during our relationship, but looking back this has always been there in the background.  I feel like many of the transwomen on here have expressed how before they revealed their transition it caused them so much anger and anxiety and caused them to lash out at their partners-- looking back to so many situations, I know that she was carrying this around for months, without me knowing. My insecurities and pressures on her occurred without me understanding or knowing about any of this. Maybe she has left me because she thinks I can't handle it, but all I have done is tell her how I want to be by her side. Im so worried about her, and I wake up feeling sick everyday because I feel so confused about everything that has occurred and how all the things that have been said don't match up. I just feel like this is a big mistake.  I wish she would see how much this has always been there in our relationship too and not blame everything on me.   

Quote from: gnb984 on May 08, 2016, 10:34:22 AM
I just can't stop feeling like this has happened for the wrong reasons- its hard for me to believe my partner didn't love me anymore, when they just were telling me how much they did, and how they couldn't even see me in person and wanted to keep our pictures. 

I'm not a psychologist, but that sounds like there's still love there. If I was done with someone, I would not want to keep their pictures. Maybe seeing you in person would weaken their resolve and they think they're protecting you. Maybe give it some time. It's up to you though. That lobby thing seemed a bit heartless, but it's something I probably would have tried with my current wife to make her hate me enough to go on to live a happier life without me.

My wife and I broke up for about 6 months prior to me coming out to her. She was equally as devastated by it. She was so hurt, she started deleting pictures. I removed them from my phone, but kept a backup copy of them because I still loved her and really thought she'd have a better life without me in it. I even hung the stocking she made me, for Christmas without her that year, the only decoration I put out. When we started talking again, I still wasn't on board. She kept asking how I could just stop loving someone like that I said I still loved her, but that it wasn't a good idea for us to be together, without actually telling her why. But she wasn't leaving, so I resorted to trying to make her hate me because again, it was best for her in my mind if I wasn't in her life. She still wanted to make it work. After a sleepless night, I woke up at 3am and told her.

Yeah, I don't know how someone went from telling me they loved me and just wanted time to deciding they don't love me anymore. I don't know though, I was so distraught and left so alone/questioning that I kept texting her and she ended up getting like a temporary no contact order on me. Even more humiliating.  The police kept asking me if i wanted to go get all my stuff and I still can't find the resolve to do it. Its like not even the person I know doing all of this to me.. I want her to have it, if that whats more important to her than me. I feel like the closest person in the world to me is now a stranger.  Maybe it has all been just me and they really just don't want me in their life.    I would like to think that it is some of what you are saying Emileee but idk. I probably should have no hope .  I just love her so much.  I wanted to stand by her side and I feel like despite my acceptance of her that she hasn't accepted me I guess.  I didn't know this was there the entire time in our relationship though, so I feel like we deserve an opportunity to move forward from this now that its all out in the open. 

I guess I'm probably wrong if the cops were called. I'm so sorry. I agree that having the opportunity to talk it out would be best, but it doesn't look like that's going to happen. I wish I could say I understand it, but I don't at this point.

Quote from: gnb984 on May 08, 2016, 12:03:54 PM
Yeah, I don't know how someone went from telling me they loved me and just wanted time to deciding they don't love me anymore. I don't know though, I was so distraught and left so alone/questioning that I kept texting her and she ended up getting like a temporary no contact order on me. Even more humiliating.  The police kept asking me if i wanted to go get all my stuff and I still can't find the resolve to do it. Its like not even the person I know doing all of this to me.. I want her to have it, if that whats more important to her than me. I feel like the closest person in the world to me is now a stranger.  Maybe it has all been just me and they really just don't want me in their life.    I would like to think that it is some of what you are saying Emileee but idk. I probably should have no hope .  I just love her so much.  I wanted to stand by her side and I feel like despite my acceptance of her that she hasn't accepted me I guess.  I didn't know this was there the entire time in our relationship though, so I feel like we deserve an opportunity to move forward from this now that its all out in the open.

I know how much this hurts.. But you appear to have done all you can.
You could possibly write ab email or post a letter to say things... But I would suggest letting things cool off right now:)
Thinking of you.

Yeah I can't really do anything else right now. Maybe a letter eventually, I don't know if it will really matter though.  Im just heartbroken and trying to deal with having so many questions and so many things making sense at the same time. I just wish I had been worth it like she was to me. Thanks for thinking of me

You are so amazing for wanting to stick by her side no matter what. I love my partner, but I highly doubt it's going to work out. We're taking it a day at a time, and I'll try, but I'm not attracted to women. I am scared and upset over the changes that will happen to my partner's body and mind. It's looking more and more like we'll end up in a platonic roommate situation, and every interaction is bittersweet because it's like I'm talking to a ghost. This is not the person I loved for all these years. I know the core is the same, but it's just so different now.

It's a tough road, and I wish I had your attitude. It really seems like a toxic situation. With a no contact order, you need to take a step back and direct all the love to yourself. I admire you and your empathy and compassion. If your (ex-)partner wants nothing to do with you now, don't count on them coming around. She may or may not. Take care of yourself, and make YOU your first priority.

Thanks Black Winged Roses.  Im definitely not perfect, and I guess throughout our relationship I felt a lot of insecurities/ questioned my partner a lot- I think this coming out, which pretty much went from just wanting to sometimes have fake boobs in private or wear underwear to wanting to completely change identities within 2 weeks really worsened my questioning and made me feel really lost.  At the same time, I kept trying to accept my partner.  I gave her so many things to help her and encourage her, but at the same time, it did feel bittersweet as you said. I cried a lot randomly.. I guess cause I was afraid at the same time of losing the person I love. What I wish my partner would have seen was how difficult this was for me and not used it as a time to expect me to keep trying to change things when there was so much to take in. I also think that the fact this was there our entire relationship caused a lot of my partners anxiety when I would question them about our future, because they had not shared this with me.  I guess I just wish that since I realized I wanted to be with them unconditionally, that I was worth that too. Its really complicated. My partner says this has nothing to do with them transitioning, but in reality these feelings were in their head our entire relationship, and maybe fed some of their anger and annoyance with me.  I wasn't and am far from perfect and I know my faults bothered them as well. It was just a really hurtful time to do all of this to me in combination with the coming out.  The way my partner wouldn't even face me face to face and treated me like a terrible person after giving them over a week to "think" while only telling them  how much I supported them during that time also has been heartbreaking for me. Nothing feels right about any of it, it's just hard for me to believe the person who shared so much even of all of this with me acts like they no longer love me and I am a stranger.  I also hurt feeling so used and left after the extreme effort I put into helping them and teaching/giving/sharing so much female stuff with them.  It's hard for me to imagine them using all of these things without feeling bad about what they've done to me.

I know what you mean about your fears and upsets. I still felt/feel those too. Ive never dated a woman and don't seek to date them, but in some weird way I wanted to still stay with her- or at least try with everything I am. Some of those feelings were what I was struggling with, and I think would still struggle some with because its almost like you're watching the person go away in front of your eyes, but at the same time feeling happy/loving towards them because this means so much to them.  From what Ive read on here so many other women felt the same as us, and some had really negative reactions- it's nice that your partner is willing to understand your struggles. I wish I would have had that support as well. I think its helpful to read stuff on here and there are also some interesting blogs out there of people that stayed together when the partner transitioned.

Im trying to take care of myself even though it's pretty difficult right now. I miss my partner constantly and feel so left out of her life. I feel like everything we had wanted together has been forgotten. I really appreciate the support Ive found on here.

Hi gnb984,

So sorry to hear of everything you're going through right now and offering you big squishy hugs from one SO to another. My husband has only been on female hormones for two weeks tomorrow and I am already seeing some of the effects and not liking them but also wanting to be sure before I discuss anything with him.  I am definitely not attracted to females so I don't see much of a future for us beyond platonic/friendship and co-parenting of our three teens which I would be happy with as far as he/she goes.

You are a special person for wanting to stay with your partner no matter what and from the sound of it, your partner is most of the reason why you are apart so please don't be too hard on yourself.

Love
Sandy

Quote from: Emileeeee on May 08, 2016, 10:14:28 PM
I guess I'm probably wrong if the cops were called. I'm so sorry. I agree that having the opportunity to talk it out would be best, but it doesn't look like that's going to happen. I wish I could say I understand it, but I don't at this point.

Emilee-- without getting too far into it, it's basically a temporary thing or now, it was because I text her a lot in one evening/afternoon. At that point, I also question why she didn't block my number-- the police said she wasn't super vengeful/excited about doing it, but I guess was just so stressed from the whole ordeal... I don't know. I still don't understand the sudden switch in telling me how much she loved me and I wouldn't lose  her, to treating me like a terrible person. Not being able to see me in person, wanting to keep our pictures-- I guess maybe I should give up hope though.

I feel like this has been for all the wrong reasons. I was ready to stand by her side, and I feel like she left me so violently and suddenly that it wasn't who I knew her to be at all. I can see now how my insecurities about her drawing away from me were tied to her holding this in the whole time.   I wish if and now that there was honesty that we could try to stay in each other's lives.  I guess I just wish I could get the forgiveness and understanding that I have shown given back to me.

Quote from: Hazardus01 on May 10, 2016, 02:08:11 AM
Hi gnb984,

So sorry to hear of everything you're going through right now and offering you big squishy hugs from one SO to another. My husband has only been on female hormones for two weeks tomorrow and I am already seeing some of the effects and not liking them but also wanting to be sure before I discuss anything with him.  I am definitely not attracted to females so I don't see much of a future for us beyond platonic/friendship and co-parenting of our three teens which I would be happy with as far as he/she goes.

You are a special person for wanting to stay with your partner no matter what and from the sound of it, your partner is most of the reason why you are apart so please don't be too hard on yourself.

Love
Sandy

Thanks Sandy- i go back and forth between feeling like its all my fault a lot. I constantly ask my self what I could have done differently.  I definitely  got really frantic at the end.. hence the fact that I can't contact her right now... At the same time I've realized that my issues throughout our relationship have fed off of the issues of transitioning that I think had been there all along and fueled my partners actions subconsciously.  I just can't believe that my partner left me solely because of me and not this transition, when so many drastic changes occurred lately, and this issue has been underlying without me knowing all along.  But I can't be the only one to realize these things. It also makes me feel like I wasn't good enough to make them happy. I just spend a lot of time  hurting, everything reminds me of her and I just wish we could be with each other again, or that I had at least gotten to hug her  or hold her one more time and say goodbye.

It sounds like you are going through a really confusing time as well. Is it hard also having a family during this time to explain to as well? I know there are many on here that do have children and I bet that is tough as well. I Hope things stay strong for you as well.

Thanks for all the love y'all

Dear gnb,

I think you are pretty hard on yourself. Just reading things here, I think you have nothing to be ashamed of and a lot to be proud of. As a M to F trans person who has stayed with my SO, I have had to wrestle with myself to not be extremely self centered. When you come to a point where you start living as your true self after years of denial, it is hard not to think "trans" 24/7. You are changing or thinking of changing so much. That said, if you are a good person you don't hurt the ones you love. You make a lot of effort to understand what your SO is going through also. You have patience with them. You certainly don't use them. Because it might hurt you, I would not say anything bad about the person you love(d). I found myself wondering if part of the reason they left you was that they realized they also were attracted to men. Maybe that is part of their epiphany and they couldn't admit that to you. I don't know. At any rate, a lot of trans women would love to experience the kind of acceptance that you tried to show. Sorry you hurt so much.
Moni

thanks happymoni- If part of it is the wanting to be with guys, I had tried to talk with her about this before, and was even kinda open to exploring that but like nothing definite, I guess I just wish she had been honest with me, or if that is the main reason not blamed everything on me :(  I still love her, I just don know if there is any hope anymore .. unless she realizes how the transition and selfishness like you are talking about has happened and knows that I still need love and respect too. I guess i always hope that once she calms down- she seems all over the map since this started- that maybe she will think bout that but like i said who knows.

QuoteI just can't believe that my partner left me solely because of me and not this transition, when so many drastic changes occurred lately, and this issue has been underlying without me knowing all along.  But I can't be the only one to realize these things. It also makes me feel like I wasn't good enough to make them happy. I just spend a lot of time  hurting, everything reminds me of her and I just wish we could be with each other again, or that I had at least gotten to hug her or hold her one more time and say goodbye.

gnb984 please don't try to take all of the responsibility for your partner's decision to leave the relationship.  Perhaps she realised she wanted something that she knew you could never give her but couldn't tell you for whatever reason.  None of us are perfect so you are definitely good enough, just not what she wanted or needed right now.  It's a shame she couldn't be entirely honest with you by the sounds of it.

QuoteIt sounds like you are going through a really confusing time as well. Is it hard also having a family during this time to explain to as well? I know there are many on here that do have children and I bet that is tough as well. I Hope things stay strong for you as well.

Yes I am going through a confusing and difficult time right now as well and not sure where I am headed with all of this other than knowing I do not want to be with my husband if he is acting as or dressing as a woman. It is hard having a family during this time as we are all going through his changes together in some ways yet I feel like we are sometimes five separate people who just live in the same house and share the same last name.  That makes me sad as I sometimes feel responsible for not picking up on my husband's behaviours before we had kids as if I had done so, we may never have had them and then none of us would be right here right now.  At least our youngest is 14 so old enough to understand bits and pieces even if going through puberty themselves has them questioning all sorts of stuff.  They all love their father and he has told them to keep calling him Dad for now as that is the title he has earned.  Thank you for your good wishes and support  :).

Love
Sandy