Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I have a question about "outing" people as trans to people.

I understand it's generally frowned upon to call people out on their trans-ness in public and to the person's friends and family, but what I was curious about is...

what if you told people whom you KNEW were okay and perfectly comfortable with someone's trans identity? Like, one of the reasons I went to enroll in online classes at the suggestion of my mom's college professor friend, was because this friend told mom and I that one of the advisers and professor for the online classes was a trans man. She was a very liberal person who taught subjects on feminism and she great respect for him.

When I needed some trans advice but was too nervous to outright ask my trans professor about anything, my mom asked him herself (she totally got my permission first before she did, and my professor was more than willing to lend an ear). That wasn't inherently wrong, was it?

I just wanna know if there are (if any) exceptions to the rule. If not, then I will know much better for next time, and won't ever do it again.

There is being out and being publicly out. If a person is out to a small group of people then the secret should be kept. If the person is a professor and everybody in school knows because they are open and there is a reason to reveal the identity then it might be OK however you don't want to expose them if there isn't a need. If in doubt, you should ask the person before exposing them.

Consider as you transition, how public do you want to be. Will there be people you would like to remain stealth to? If so, you will understand the need for boundaries.

Quote from: KyleEdricone of the reasons I went to enroll in online classes at the suggestion of my mom's college professor friend, was because this friend told mom and I that one of the advisers and professor for the online classes was a trans man. She was a very liberal person who taught subjects on feminism and she great respect for him.

Neither you nor your mom did anything wrong here. The person who outed this man was your mom's college professor friend. Given that she genuinely respected him, it's unlikely that she would have outed him to you and your mom if she hadn't known that he'd be OK with that. Given that he was "more than willing to lend an ear" to your questions (via your mom), it's a pretty safe bet that he's generally open about being trans.

That said, it's best not to out people, even if they're open themselves, unless there's a good reason to do so, and you also have their permission -- I'm sure your mom's friend doesn't out this guy to just anyone who might be a potential student. Respecting people's privacy is just good manners.    

Hi KyleEdric,

I'm a Professor at a University as well and well known as a trans woman. At my University and many others there is an 'Ally' system where staff members who are LGBTIQA and are comfortable in their identity volunteer to help staff and students with their gender and sexuality issues.

We get people coming to see us off their own bat, or a staff member or student may suggest to someone that they come and have a talk to us. We offer advice and support and can put people in contact with support networks, or just have a coffee and a talk when someone needs it.

Your Prof may well be in a similar organisation at his University.

I am not 'outed' in the least by someone being referred to see me because I am a transwoman. What I would not like is for someone to introduce me to someone as 'Here is Cindy she is trans' That would be rude. But for someone to be told, 'Why don't you have a talk with Cindy? She is a transgender woman and you can talk to her about your issue.' Is totally fine.

There is a difference!

I'm glad you found someone to talk too and I am sure he was very happy to pass on whatever support and advice he could give to help a student. I know I always am.

It's an interesting point... I suppose with some trans people their persona or their role in an institution/company is so big that it might be presumed they are publicly out when that is not the case.

Many, many years ago, on the cusp of my first attempt at transition, even though I was had just finished university I was on campus at a student political meeting (for reasons I can't remember) someone was speaking who I did not know - turns out they were a lecturer or something involving teaching. I was told they were a "transsexual" by one of the other students. I don't know why they shared that information with me as it wasn't relevant to what the person was talking about. Admittedly, being trans was a lot rarer in 1989 so I suppose that student felt it was "OK" to share that info. I presume it was common knowledge but I couldn't say. Common gossip more like, something that was really no one else's business was readily shared amongst everyone most likely.

Some months later, when I was intending on transitioning, I was hoping to speak to someone, anyone, who had been through the process (no internet then!) and since this person was the only one I knew of (mind you, I didn't know them, had never even been introduced) I was certainly looking to talk to them. One day, when I was back on campus I crossed paths with them and said hello, introduced myself and just launched into this shpiel of how I was trans and wanted to know if I could maybe talk with them about "what was involved". They were probably too stunned or too polite to tell me to "get stuffed" and agreed to a meeting - we set the time and place but then they never showed. It was at their university office (in those days no email or anything) and I left a message hoping to hear from them but, surprise, surprise, never did. :(

I think that kind of answered my question about how they felt about their status being "common knowledge"...

Whoops!

I don't think that's inherently wrong in your circumstance. Like Cindy; it's probably common knowledge around the school and he can't hide it; but maybe he wants to be stealth but he can't because the secret got out. Who knows.

When I had a job and was out; even though people were ok with it and weren't bigots at all; I still hated being the trans one. I felt I wasn't seen as the other guys. Maybe it was all in my head; maybe not; but I wouldn't want to be outed even if someone is cool with it. I'm ok if they suspect but not if they know for sure and we discuss what is a very private subject.

Help!
I'm beating myself up about this.
I just noticed that a co-worker that I don't see very often but have had the pleasure of working with at times is in transition.
She and her wife had a baby a few months back, and I never did get the chance to chat about parent things with them.
Today they were having a meeting in a nearby office and I  popped in and asked when I  can see baby pictures. At that time I was happily browsing the many months of snaps when it dawned on me she had a different name tag and wearing more feminine clothing and accessories.
I left the chat, preoccupied with wanting to ask if I  should use feminine pronouns and stop using the male version of her name. Perhaps she's just non-binary and enjoying "girly mode" but maintaining masculine form.
Ugh! It's LGBT Pride month at work and I am affiliated with our LGBT/Ally resource group. I want to let her know I'm an ally and will support her, but how does one do that without sounding fouchey?
We work in a male - dominated area of our industry and OMG I want to be happy for her.
Any recommendations on how to regulate my enthusiasm?

Sorry, I'm not following what you mean...? Who has changed what and how?

I personally never out anyone for any reason. I'm completely open about other people doing it for me. I encourage them to do so now. It eliminates an akward conversation down the road. While I am no longer running from it, it's not a topic I enjoy talking about.

So, if someone tells you that it's okay to out them, do so with discretion.

I continue to think this shouldn't be a big deal. I am who I appear to be. The rest of the world hasn't caught up to me yet. ;)

Quote from: Ms Grace on June 03, 2016, 04:16:35 PM
Sorry, I'm not following what you mean...? Who has changed what and how?

I'm sorry,  I'm  babbling.
My coworker, whom I see infrequently, was visiting my area today. I know him as a very bright young man (30ish) . I noticed the feminine accessories and name tag with "feminized" version of name. We chatted about family and babies. But when he left, I found  myself way too preoccupied with wondering if he was transitioning. I have a trans daughter. I am an ally. I want to let them know I fully support them without being creepy or offensive.
I also have to learn how to mind my own business,  but I  want some support too.

 I have been outed by people who want someone to know that they know a trans person.

Quote from: bunnymom on June 03, 2016, 05:15:57 PM
I'm sorry,  I'm  babbling.
My coworker, whom I see infrequently, was visiting my area today. I know him as a very bright young man (30ish) . I noticed the feminine accessories and name tag with "feminized" version of name. We chatted about family and babies. But when he left, I found  myself way too preoccupied with wondering if he was transitioning. I have a trans daughter. I am an ally. I want to let them know I fully support them without being creepy or offensive.
I also have to learn how to mind my own business,  but I  want some support too.

I think the best way to show support is to wait until you are told by them or, if and when they do transition, it announced through official channels. :)

Quote from: Stevie on June 03, 2016, 05:30:45 PM
I have been outed by people who want someone to know that they know a trans person.

That's rather low. :(

Quote from: Ms Grace on June 03, 2016, 05:44:02 PM
I think the best way to show support is to wait until you are told by them or, if and when they do transition, it announced through official channels. :)

Will do. I did check to see if her email contact card had been changed to preferred name yet. It hasn't.

When I came out, I made a big announcement to coworkers. There were a lot of people on the periphery who did not hear it from me. Since I am open to being known a trans, I don't consider it being outed when someone tells someone who doesn't know through my telling. The problem for me is I want people to be comfortable asking what they want to know, but I don't want to initiate conversation. I can't tell who is interested, and I don't want to impose an unwanted conversation on someone. So, it is this stalemate. Does it all come down to dropping hints to someone that you want to talk about transgender topics? It kind of makes it hard to gain allies if the communication doesn't happen.
Moni

While I don't open with "I am trans" when I meet someone, if I get to know them at all they soon find out that my life is an open book and I'm willing to talk about anything. While I'm publicly out, I don't usually tell people unless they become good friends. I'm not opposed to someone asking me. I never get asked though.

I think from the outside you might think of it this way.... If you were to suspect that someone were of mixed heritage, would you be comfortable asking them about it? Do you think they would appreciate being asked? I always frame these sorts of issues with different characters and it helps me sort it out.

For what it is worth, we have the same difficulty within our own ranks concerning this same issue. We desperately seek others when we begin transition for friendship and advice. It is tough. I'm glad this question has been asked.

I know about being outed, my mom told everyone I was a crossdresser,but people are polite and not mention it. Me I don't care,but I care about my wife.

outing someone is never a good thing unless you are introducing them into the family.

my ex outed me on fb then came out as a lesbian... she lost close friends because of it. never a good idea to out someone especially if they are better liked.