Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I am still closeted pre hrt but have been talking to a therapist. It is very embarrasing for me that I have thought about this for so long. I am still undecided about transitioning. But I have come a long way and have learnt to cope a lot better.

What bothers me is my sexual orientation. I understand it is seen as different from gender. For others me prefering this or that seems to be the least exciting thing in all of this. I can understand why, but I am unsure about this. I started out as heterosexual liking women. Am I really attracted to females or just envious of them. Or both. I can fancy the beautiful female form but over the years this has changed into a slightly more platonistic appreciation of them. But I still like women.

Men I am even less sure about. Sometimes I get an itch of sorts. Then again I am unsure and put off somehow. In theory I am very curious about the idea of being with a man. In my current form I don't see myself as very likeable. Certainly not fitting any heterosexual ideas. I wonder if I had a female body if it would make any difference to being with men.

I am very curious how other people changed over the years and where they finally ended up. Did transitioning change things at all.

I didn't change as I have always been asexual. In your case, you should stop worrying some much about your sexual orientation because social pressure could be confusing the issue. Wait until you are out of the closet and into RLE before you spend much time thinking about it.

Hi Myraey,

I have always been homosexual my whole life, from kindergarten until now, never questioning that I was sexually attracted to men. To me, gender identity and sexual preference are comingled but that's how it works in my mind -- it sounds like that's not so much the case for you.

My question dovetails off of Dena's post: What is pressuring you, if anything, to feel attracted to one sex or the other? How do you view gender identity vs. sexual orientation?

Brightest of blessings,

Princess

I am sure socities expectations affect me a lot. Even so I am very ok with everyone being themselves and liking whoever they want. But I am thinking about it more from my point of view and there it gets harder for me. I just want to know for sure. I am undecided yet about transitioning because of far bigger issues than sexual orientation . But the uncertainty around it is one more thing stopping me from going further. Good thing is I don't have to decide now or ever really. For me sexual orientation and gender are separate yet they also affect me how I See myself in this.

Hi Hon,

Well sexuality is one of those things, I was a heterosexual male but wasn't particularly turned on by women. After 5 years or so after transition I am definitely a heterosexual woman, I like men. I think I always did, but could not accept myself as a Gay guy, when I accepted myself as a woman it all fell into place.

But don't get hung up on your sexuality, it is what it is. Once you are happy in your affirmed gender all sorts of stuff become more clear, and not just sexuality.

I was actually looking forward to the potential of possibly being attracted to men after HRT, but it appears not to be in the cards for me, but you know there is nothing wrong with that. I have an amazing girlfriend whom I love with all my heart so things tend to work out. Just go after who you are attracted without worrying so much what others think or what label it is what matters is what you desire.

Quote from: myraey on May 03, 2016, 03:10:37 AM
I am sure socities expectations affect me a lot. Even so I am very ok with everyone being themselves and liking whoever they want. But I am thinking about it more from my point of view and there it gets harder for me. I just want to know for sure. I am undecided yet about transitioning because of far bigger issues than sexual orientation . But the uncertainty around it is one more thing stopping me from going further. Good thing is I don't have to decide now or ever really. For me sexual orientation and gender are separate yet they also affect me how I See myself in this.

Try to relax.
Quite a few people had some change in sexual orientation.
It may be a few points on the kinsey scale.

It will feel naturally to you.
Its well possibly you come to like men more. Its also possible you'll be bi.

I'd say do this for yourself, to come into who you are.
After you feel more like yourself you may see who you like.
And it seems you already have a feeling what it cold be.

hugs

Quote from: myraey on May 02, 2016, 07:39:09 PM
I am still closeted pre hrt but have been talking to a therapist. It is very embarrasing for me that I have thought about this for so long. I am still undecided about transitioning. But I have come a long way and have learnt to cope a lot better.

What bothers me is my sexual orientation. I understand it is seen as different from gender. For others me prefering this or that seems to be the least exciting thing in all of this. I can understand why, but I am unsure about this. I started out as heterosexual liking women. Am I really attracted to females or just envious of them. Or both. I can fancy the beautiful female form but over the years this has changed into a slightly more platonistic appreciation of them. But I still like women.

Men I am even less sure about. Sometimes I get an itch of sorts. Then again I am unsure and put off somehow. In theory I am very curious about the idea of being with a man. In my current form I don't see myself as very likeable. Certainly not fitting any heterosexual ideas. I wonder if I had a female body if it would make any difference to being with men.

I am very curious how other people changed over the years and where they finally ended up. Did transitioning change things at all.

I love this topic. Glad that someone finally posted about it.

So, as far as my orientation goes, pre-transition, I identified as a heterosexual male. Although I was naturally really feminine, it just didn't feel good for me to conceive dating other men whenever I myself was in a male body. As I decided that it was best for me to transition, I assumed, even then, that I'd just date women my entire life.

As I transitioned further and felt more comfortable with who I was, it became clear that I do like men, and masculine, straight ones on top of it. For a long time, though, I repressed the thought of ever being with one because I felt like I hadn't accepted myself enough to date a straight man and still feel confident... So, at most, I'd identify as a bi girl who leans towards women.

But, things have radically changed since then because I've become feminine and attractive. After having dated a couple women (and am currently in a healthy relationship with one), I've learned that I feel like I have to compete with them, even if I'm dating them, which is sometimes uncomfortable. I get hit on and approached by men all the time now, after nearly two years of transitioning, and it has opened my eyes to how I prefer them. It has actually caused me significant distress because I wrongfully feel guilty for my overwhelming attraction for men. But, the instant I had sex with one, I knew that it much better suited my need to be viewed as a beautiful female, and now, I'm trying to make a relationship work with a girl who I'm in love with, even if she doesn't make me feel like such a desirable woman like most men do...

Long story short: I lean 70/30 towards men, and I used to identify as a heterosexual male. I can relate to your thoughts quite well, especially how you're now seeing women more platonically.

Claire

I see it as a spectrum and yeah it is completely separate from gender. I am attracted to both genders and i find that pleasant. I'm also monogamous to my female spouse. We don't have to act on attraction. That is a misnomer i think that people don't easily understand about bisexual people. I'm not suppressing anything or missing out on anything, other than anyone who is monogamous does.

I've always been attracted to both and admitted it fairly early in my life. I was in a relationship with a man before my marriage. After HRT i perhaps notice a slight increase in attraction to guys, but again that really for me is just an interesting thing.

For me, I started off not really sure what I was interested in. Went along with the bi "excuse" so I could try and figure out what I am.

Being on HRT for a while helped clear things up - I don't know if it actually changes things so much as it helps you realise what you already are. I went from being very unsure to finding men very attractive.

I started noticing cute guys a lot more often and to add to that I have a wonderful boyfriend who likes me for who I am. Some people swing from one side to the other, some people don't change at all.

Don't worry about it, but be ready to be surprised at what you might end up liking!

For myself, I am still somewhat in limbo for sexual orientation and it is because things are ultra complicated.

First off I am married to a woman (by whom I can never come out to without being totally deserted and unable to see my own daughter).

Secondly, growing up and even now I have always been attracted to women but as someone said above it could be admiration and envy. But it was so instilled upon me that being Gay was absolutely sinful that even when I did a few things with men when I was younger I felt so shameful and never really felt attracted to them, although always fantasying that I loved that kind of intercourse with me being female and having sexual relations with them. I come finally come to a point where I am attracted to some guys but then there are days....  I really think of all of this has to do with my ultra orthodox upbringings. If and when I ever cross over completely in some unforeseeable future I believe and vision myself with a man and living as a woman but a woman still within my ultra orthodox religion which might seem to outsiders as a mix of Christianity, Ultra Orthodox Judaism and Islamic due to various appearances but planted firmly within Reformed Christianity. I mean appearance wise because outwardly our modesty standards is akin to Hasidic Judaism (Ankle length skirts, blouses to the wrist, no neck baring, and top of the head veiled) but also aspects of Islam such as face veiling (which is actually a very early church practice way before Islam) as well as wearing Jewish Tzittzits. Yes, looking at us will make anyone confused... hahaha

Thirdly, I am transitioning but stealthy due to being married to the woman in the first point.

Fourthly, I am Polygamous, or more akin Polygyny. That is a husband can take more then one wife. So if and when I  ever fully transition and go in a marriageable relationship with a man, I am more then happy if he took another wife as well..

But suffice to say to find any man such as hold such views above and would accept me as a woman, will be nearly impossible for me to be in such a relationship as I would want in the future..

So yeah, All of this makes things extremely confusing for me...  **Deep Sigh** 

Ibam heterosexual. I was married with to childs with a women and soon after grs I had sex with men and now I have a boyfriend. It feels right an great.

I personally think the categorys are a little out of date. Because it doesn't only matter which gender you are attracted to on a binary scale. We should use a non-binary scale.

Quote from: Cindy on May 03, 2016, 03:25:56 AM
Hi Hon,

Well sexuality is one of those things, I was a heterosexual male but wasn't particularly turned on by women. After 5 years or so after transition I am definitely a heterosexual woman, I like men. I think I always did, but could not accept myself as a Gay guy, when I accepted myself as a woman it all fell into place.

But don't get hung up on your sexuality, it is what it is. Once you are happy in your affirmed gender all sorts of stuff become more clear, and not just sexuality.

I get that but in the opposite direction. I have known since my teens that I was a gay man pretending to be a straight woman. The dilemma (for me) wasn't about being attracted to men only about how to deal with the fact that I was stuck in a female body.

Sent from my SM-G870W using Tapatalk

I am a pre hrt mtf. I know in my heart I am really a girl and feel I have been my entire life. But due to social circumstances I felt required to live as a heterosexual male. I am mostly sexually attracted to women but I also felt I kind of had this attraction to the male penis, but I still hate mine. So anyway my curiosity finally got the best of me and I tried oral on men, not once but twice, and it made me feel so feminine that I actually loved it. I felt like it gave me power. To feel their excitement grow because of what I was doing made me feel special. I don't consider myself gay however I do love prostate stimulation with toys. I've never been with a man other than the two times I gave oral, and I haven't tried seeking out a relationship with a man in the past. However, I have noticed more and more recently I have been craving a sexual relationship with a man, but I don't want to do it in my current form. I think that once I start hrt I'm going to find myself wanting men more than women because I'm already getting cravings for them. I'm not sure why my cravings are starting already even though I haven't started hrt therapy, outside of maybe the closer I get to starting hrt, I guess I feel that I'll finally be more in line with my feminine self. That stands to reason that as a woman, men should be a part of my life right?. I'm not afraid of my orientation changing, in fact I hope I do become more attracted to men after starting hrt. Skylar

Transitioning didn't change my orientation.  I still prefer women.  I make the joke that I disliked men so much that I didn't even want to be one.  LOL.  My experience with transition did change my perspective on what exactly it was to be a woman.  Seeing behind the curtain, so to speak.  My appreciation for the female form merely broadened.  I didn't change who I was.  My appearance yes, but myself as a person is still very much intact.

My best advise would be...  If you feel that you're a woman be a woman, but do it for yourself.  You'll find someone that will love you for who you are either way (male or female).  Physical appearance is nothing more than an ice breaker, its who you are as a person that attracts.

I'll pose this to you, because sexual orientation is kind of putting the cart before the horse... Would you be happy being seen as a woman?  Would it really matter who you found attractive after transition (male or female)?  Isn't being happy with yourself, first and foremost, the most important thing in your life?  If you don't know who you are, then how can you truly share yourself with another?

It is my personal belief that most of these questions will work themselves out after you find yourself, and bring your body and mind inline with one another.  The most important part of transition is self reflection and identifying what preconceptions are learned and which are nature.  Social "learned" concepts are what create the division between who you know you are, and who you think you should be.  It takes time to break down the wall between what is you, and what you've learned you should be, but you'll get there.

My sexual orientation changes as a result of transition. I was a straight guy before and now I am a straight woman.

It was not something I was expecting, I assumed that I would be lesbian and never gave it any thought. Some where along the line was attracted to a guy I met. We started dating, it was difficult at first as it was strange for me to kiss a man, be held by one etc.. but when I stopped worrying about it and just went with it, I actually loved being a mans girlfriend.

After we broke up, i did have a fling with a lady, but found myself missing having a boyfriend . Now I am married to man and very much in love and very sexually attracted to him.

Quote from: Lady Skylar on May 22, 2018, 08:11:59 AMThat stands to reason that as a woman, men should be a part of my life right?.

Not necessarily. You, as an individual, are attracted to whomever you are attracted to.  Lots of us trans woman were attracted to women before transition and remain attracted to them after.  And every other combination, since gender identity has nothing to do with sexual orientation.

Quote from: Harley Quinn on May 22, 2018, 09:00:09 AMI make the joke that I disliked men so much that I didn't even want to be one.

Ha ha, that's me for sure!   :D

Quote from: KathyLauren on May 22, 2018, 09:26:41 AM
Not necessarily. You, as an individual, are attracted to whomever you are attracted to.  Lots of us trans woman were attracted to women before transition and remain attracted to them after.  And every other combination, since gender identity has nothing to do with sexual orientation.
Ha ha, that's me for sure!   :D

That was a dumb remark on my part lol. I even know some women who continued to be attracted to women after transition.

Sent from my Moto Z (2) using Tapatalk

Wow what a cool thread. Since my last response on this but two years ago, my spouse and i have separated and are working on being friends. I am polyamorous, like the label pansexual better, and have two partners a cis male around my around my age and a cis female considerably younger.

The universe moves in mysterious ways

I definitely became more attracted to males post HRT

I liked men romantically and sexually before realizing I was trans and considering myself a "gay male".
Almlst 8 months on hrt and I find my attraction to me changing, becoming more comfortable and *gasp* maybe even "normal" for once... Before I felt like I needed the other man to affirm my identity as a gay male. Now I can actually be myself, take a breather and most importantly laugh [emoji4]

Sent from my VS501 using Tapatalk

That it does, Robyn, that it does.

I'm not on HRT, and it seems like I can um...look forward to being a straight woman afterwards, possibly(but not always the case!)

For me, I was always attracted to women, but I did not like the sight of vaginas, I was much more comfortable with penises.  I've only ever had intercourse as a man with a woman so far, though.  I don't think I would ever be comfortable being with a man, until I could, without a doubt, fully take on the appearance of a woman.

And right now, while my wife does not what a physical relationship with a woman at all, I think I'd be more than happy to service both men and women. But when it comes to getting what I truly want, pleasure-wise, it would have to be with someone who is equipped to dominate my body.

Attraction and sexual orientation are as unique as each of us and the path we chose to follow to transition. I had always been completely heterosexual and nothing else, ok not so. I was bi and happy seeing both sides and that was great, ok not so. About 6 yrs ago my wife and I made some changes and refrained from sex and after an initial few bumps it actually worked. The mind and the body followed and asexual for me followed that. I am completely happy and comfortable and it has actually brought us closer as we are all about each other rather than the drive to just get off for the sake of getting off. We are staying together as girlfriends, partners, companions and soul mates. With no sex desire there is nothing to miss and as such a much closer bond. I have my new name and my wife is going to revert to her maiden name. She has my permission to get a boyfriend if she so needs and I have hers to get a companion if need be. It may be strange but no stranger than my life has already been and this is our definition of sexuality for us.

Since accepting the fact that I'm a transgender mtf, I have found myself fantasizing about men more often then I ever have in my life and I haven't even started hrt yet.

Sent from my Moto Z (2) using Tapatalk

I've only ever dated and had sex with women, but consider myself open to the possibility of dating and/or being intimate with a man.  Once I'm further along in transition, I'd like to give that a try.

For now, I've always preferred reading erotica to watching pornography, but have found that my interest in reading material has not only changed to that of a female protagonist/perspective, but stories of women having sex with men.

I would agree that sexuality is separation from gender, and thus feel it's a different path for everyone while transitioning.

Quote from: RobynD on May 22, 2018, 01:03:16 PM
Wow what a cool thread. Since my last response on this but two years ago, my spouse and i have separated and are working on being friends. I am polyamorous, like the label pansexual better, and have two partners a cis male around my around my age and a cis female considerably younger.

The universe moves in mysterious ways

I definitely became more attracted to males post HRT

Hello Robyn it is very interest to watch and see the changes everyone goes thru over time. Some good some bad but all unique and a great journal of individual journeys

Growing up, I always idealized the feminine form.  I have always recognized and appreciated the beauty of women.  Initially I thought this was an attraction to women, but it was really an appreciation for and an envy of female beauty. 
I felt like was attracted to women, but I never wanted to really have sexual experiences with women.  During my late teens and early twenties, I thought that I was a heterosexual "man."  However, I never had a long term serious relationship with any girls.  I dated a handful of women but it never advanced further than maybe a kiss and my one and only make out session (it felt so weird to me.)  I could never bring myself to fully take on the traditional masculine role in a relationship.  The women that I thought I was "attracted" to were just the models of what I envisioned myself physically appearing like one day. 

I never thought of myself as gay.  I was raised in a very religious Christian household and I was conditioned to have a negative opinion of homosexual lifestyles.  As I have grown and matured, I do not hold the same opinions that I was reluctantly indoctrinated with.  Even though I have always been attracted to men at some conscious or even subconscious level, I have never been able to see myself in a relationship with a man as another man. 

As I have gradually accepted my identity as a woman, I have become more and more comfortable with my attraction to men.  For the last 10+ years, the only way that I have been able to gratify myself sexually is by imagining myself in a submissive sexual role with a man. 

At this point I really do identify as a heterosexual woman.  The only type of serious relationship that I can see myself in socially and sexually is with a man as a woman. 

With Love,
Noelle

For me I do find women attractive....I am drawn to the female form.  Some of it is because I wish I had that form for myself, and the other part would be legit sexual attraction.  I do like men but only being in the passive role.  It's a turnoff for me to be dominant with a man.   I didn't realize this when I was younger it took years of denial to get to this point.

Quote from: Nova_Noelle on May 28, 2018, 09:23:47 PM

At this point I really do identify as a heterosexual woman.  The only type of serious relationship that I can see myself in socially and sexually is with a man as a woman. 

I did reach that point in my life. I suppose I transition from a ''hetro male'' to a hetro female. I had a girlfriend before transition, I must have been the worse guy she was with, she deserved better, after we broke up I started my transition and starting dating my first boyfriend, he was with me through the whole transition and supported me throughout. We eventually broke up, nothing to do with my transition, just relationship stuff.
I dated several men and then met my boyfriend (fiancé) after 18 months he proposed, we got engaged and got married in August 2010, he is now my husband of 8 years. We just never know how things work out. Life is full of surprises, I never expected things to turn out as they did, the woman that I have become, a married woman married to a wonderful man, life is so normal, the normality of it all.

That is what I'm hoping for too someday Pauline.  Just a normal life as married woman in a loving marriage with a great guy.  I'm just starting my transition but your story really inspires me Pauline.  As my journey continues, I can't wait for the light at the end of the tunnel towards a "normal" life as a woman to become brighter and brighter. 

With Love,
Noelle

I've heard others explain this before and it makes sense to me but as a man having a man attracted to your masculinity was a turn off. However, as a woman having a man attracted to your femininity is different.

     This is a subject I spent a lot of time considering before I started transitioning I lived as a hetro male and was unsure if if I could accept a change in sexual attraction finally I realized that if my attractions changed it would not be weird as that would be my new normal this has proven true in my social transition being a woman feels right at this point I have zero sexual drive so I may be asexual or maybe it is part of a change in my sexuality all I know is what I feel is right for me

     Bobbisue :)

False dichotomy, why choose?!

For real though, bi and pan people exist. For me, it was difficult figuring out a lot of those attractions until after I started to transition. It's hard to love someone else or be attracted to someone else when you don't love yourself.

But really, everyone is sexy! 😎

Im emotionally and physically attracted to women, but I am closeted Bisexual. As I am right now I have no attraction to men but I did and still do have fantasies as me as a full women with a caring guy (sadly no one in particular). I truly believe none of this transitioning has any barring on who you will feel attracted to in the end. Only you can ever truly know you it'll come natural.

Sounds like typical bisexual issues to me.

I'm bi/pan, but I've found that attraction varies based on the individual. Just because you're bi/pan, doesn't mean you're going to be attracted to ALL men and woman ALL the time. Really what it means is that genitals/sex/gender aren't really deal breakers when you really like the person you're with.

I used to operate under the assumption that you had to pick one or the other, or that if you didn't think EVERY guy or girl was hot then you were a failed bisexual, but those are very dated assumptions straight people tend to make about us.

You'll also find that sexuality in general is a spectrum and there really doesn't need to be any fuss in labelling yourself. Our culture prefers that we do because it is SO important that we identify as either "gay", "straight" or "bi" but, at the end of the day, it's no one's business.

Don't worry about it, seriously. Just take your transition one step at a time and hopefully you meet someone you can really click with.

I could be wrong, but it seems to me that who or what you are/were attracted to before, will be the same after.
Although labels may change, in my youth i thought of myself as gay. But now, if asked, i tell people i'm straight. I'm still attracted to men. But other peoples perception of me has changed.

I was attracted to both from about age 10 when my sexuality started to appear, then labelled myself as bisexual for most of my life until recently.  I have only been with one woman (my current wife), but with more men before her.

My attraction to men was always stronger and more intense (as was the sex) than with women.

Now, (pre-HRT), I can find women attractive but not sexually.  The closer I get to women (physically), any attraction falls off but it's the opposite with men, the closer I get, the more attraction I feel.

I REALLY don't like vaginas, they turn my stomach so needless to say, I don't have a physical relationship with my wife, much to her frustration.   Although, sexually I feel very much like a hetero woman, I don't like the heterosexual label.  Nothing against heterosexuals, but it's not for me.  I love gay culture and have identified as non-hetero for so long that it just doesn't feel right, so I'd have to say I'm pan or poly sexual as I don't like cis-women but I do like some trans-women.  Weird eh?

I also like super masculine men or super feminine men and in all cases I take the submissive role.  I have never liked performing as the 'man'.  It felt weird and a little silly if I'm honest and VERY unnatural.

Echoing what has been said before, I can't say that I'm gay because I internally identify as female (still presenting as male) but like men.  Can't say I'm straight as presenting as male I don't want people to think I'm attracted to women, so I say androphilic!

Sexual Orientation...that certainly is an interesting one...I have been married for 33 years and for the last 15 have basically been celibate due initially to health issue for both of us. At one point I could not physically tolerate the physical actions needed in love making. My wife had her own physical issues. For me these turned out to be a convenient excuse for not having sex. To be honest the conflict raging in me was a big part of the issue.


Each time we did the deed I could not help but put myself in the role of female in my head...this was not a satisfactory outcome and just made me even more distraught.

Since starting HRT and comming out I have noticed that I have the courage to talk about my desire for men in a way that feels right and sits right with me. I want to be with a guy who wants me becuase I am a woman...not because I started out life as a guy. This stuff is all in my head and I won't ever act on it. I made a vow to my wife ..."till death us do part" and until that happens I will remain faithful to her and refrain from "trying out the new equipment"  after November.


HRT and transition have allowed me to finally own my feelings about sexuality, I am still attracked to women so I guess I am bi ?

Liz

I have always have a minor attraction towards women and nothing has changed since HRT.

Therefore I must classify as asexual with minor lesbian tendencies.

Pamela

Sexual attraction discussions are always so fascinating! I've gravitated towards women (friends and relatives) my entire life and even considered myself a male lesbian for many years as an adult. (I know many would challenge the term, but I've done enough reading and this seems to apply to me.) Now that I'm transitioning, it's very clear that I only want to be with women. I don't even like being near men, especially alpha male types, and will avoid them whenever I can. After 3 1/2 months on HRT, it even seems like the world is only populated by women :)

Hugs to everyone,

Lindy