Susan's Place Transgender Resources

So yeah, I wish I could go back to not knowing, you know back when I thought this was just a fantasy that would never be able to come true.  Back when I was able to suppress my feelings because I was uneducated and didn't think there was anything I could do about them. 

I was content at that time and now I just can't turn it off. It's always in the front of my mind, like it's consuming my life. It's so bad that I'm actively looking for a new job simply because this one gives me too much time to think.  Making changes to my gender expression has made me happier but the more I see of myself in the mirror the further I want to go. I now know without a doubt that I want to transition but I feel like I can't or shouldn't mostly because I am afraid of society in general and that it's  not fair to the people close to me.

Right now I just wish there was a way to quiet my mind. Does anyone ever feel like this? If so how do you cope?

On a good note I found in lgbtq+ clinic an hour and a half away from me and scheduled an appointment with them for counselling. the only problem is they have a 4 month waiting list for new patients.

Honestly...I don't think not knowing would have helped in my case.

Currently I'm going through a weird period. I find myself moody. It's weird cause January, February and March were ok. However after April 18th, I've been feeling...well moody. Things will just irritate me. When people call me "sir", they might as well be stabbing me. It's like I know how I feel, yet the world is seeing this stranger.

I remember how I was, though. Nothing seemed to go right, I had put an expiration date on myself. I just didn't look forward to anything. It's different now in that I feel If I could hide for a few months at least or worked on my presentation, I could feel better out in the world. I feel better when I do things to take care of myself. I'd like to work out more if it didn't leave me painfully sore after. I talk to people online as myself. One trans girl I talk even thought I was a cis woman. Several people thought that. It probably sounds weird to say that just being myself has helped, but for once it has.

I doubt that was much help but honestly, it really was more detrimental to me not knowing

I'd say don't overthink.
Its a step by step process, just take the next step.

There are also online therpists, who also can write letters:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,187135.0.html


hugs

Sometimes yes, I have felt this way. That day I decided I was going to accept myself, go back and change the thought to re double my redoubled efforts, which failed from the re doubled efforts that were red doubled twice before to fight it. Take back the night I told my wife.... But then again, since then, I am at more peace with myself than ever before. I am now coming up on one year of sobriety.... My wife while struggling with it at times, still very much enjoys my company and we are still making lifelong plans. My brain is more cluttered with thoughts. With acceptance has come even more of my already natural feminine mannerisms. Not by trying, it just happens. at work, with my kids, or friends, sometimes now even harder to mask. Life always has trade offs. Overall though, it has still been on the positive end.  :)

Quote from: lil_red on May 03, 2016, 01:54:23 PM
So yeah, I wish I could go back to not knowing, you know back when I thought this was just a fantasy that would never be able to come true.  Back when I was able to suppress my feelings because I was uneducated and didn't think there was anything I could do about them. 

I was content at that time and now I just can't turn it off. It's always in the front of my mind, like it's consuming my life. It's so bad that I'm actively looking for a new job simply because this one gives me too much time to think.  Making changes to my gender expression has made me happier but the more I see of myself in the mirror the further I want to go. I now know without a doubt that I want to transition but I feel like I can't or shouldn't mostly because I am afraid of society in general and that it's  not fair to the people close to me.

Right now I just wish there was a way to quiet my mind. Does anyone ever feel like this? If so how do you cope?

On a good note I found in lgbtq+ clinic an hour and a half away from me and scheduled an appointment with them for counselling. the only problem is they have a 4 month waiting list for new patients.

I knew I was a girl at 5 years old but didn't realize I was transgender until I was old enough to do Google searches.  It was actually a relief for me because it was something real as opposed to something being wrong with me.  It was also comforting to know I could do something about it.

Yeah I did. I was miserable before I knew I was trans because I didn't fit in and hated my body. Then I realised I was trans and my dysphoria/depression became so much worse. I wasted many hours and days wishing it would go away and repressed my feelings. After two years of that I couldn't take it anymore; knew it wasn't going out and wanted to attempt being happy (even though my family isn't supportive). I realised it's my life and can't let others drag me down. I know what's best for my own health; they don't. Going to a gender therapist helped. It took a few months for me to mostly be happy now I'm on T. Before it didn't seem ti be working then that passed.

Btw; 4 months isn't a long wait. Some countries you have to wait years to see someone. The time will go by quicker than you think it will. Hang in there :)

Thanks for your replies.  I feel like I've opened Pandora's box.  Before, I knew it was there. I would eyeball it, be curious about it and wonder what's  inside. Now that I've opened it it can't be closed. For me it feels like it was easier before I realized I had choices. I had learned to live with IT because I didn't truly know what IT was if any of that makes sense.

Quote from: lil_red on May 03, 2016, 04:24:38 PM
Thanks for your replies.  I feel like I've opened Pandora's box.  Before, I knew it was there. I would eyeball it, be curious about it and wonder what's  inside. Now that I've opened it it can't be closed. For me it feels like it was easier before I realized I had choices. I had learned to live with IT because I didn't truly know what IT was if any of that makes sense.

That perfectly makes sense. For me it was easier living and thinking I was an insecure woman than living and knowing I'm trans.

Quote from: Elis on May 03, 2016, 04:11:16 PM
Yeah I did. I was miserable before I knew I was trans because I didn't fit in and hated my body. Then I realised I was trans and my dysphoria/depression became so much worse. I wasted many hours and days wishing it would go away and repressed my feelings. After two years of that I couldn't take it anymore; knew it wasn't going out and wanted to attempt being happy (even though my family isn't supportive). I realised it's my life and can't let others drag me down. I know what's best for my own health; they don't. Going to a gender therapist helped. It took a few months for me to mostly be happy now I'm on T. Before it didn't seem ti be working then that passed.

Btw; 4 months isn't a long wait. Some countries you have to wait years to see someone. The time will go by quicker than you think it will. Hang in there :)

Thanks, I know four months isn't a long time and actually gives me time to sort things out. The clinic does signed consent HRT also even though I only made my appointment  for therapy.  The thing is I'm torn because I am married and have 3 children.  I don't want to completely turn their lives upside down but at the same time I know if I never do this I will always regret it.

Quote from: lil_red on May 03, 2016, 04:30:59 PM
Thanks, I know four months isn't a long time and actually gives me time to sort things out. The clinic does signed consent HRT also even though I only made my appointment  for therapy.  The thing is I'm torn because I am married and have 3 children.  I don't want to completely turn their lives upside down but at the same time I know if I never do this I will always regret it.

Yeah; the regret thing is what I had to think about. I don't want to be 50 and think what could have been or then deciding to take T which would disrupt my life even more because I'm older. But I doubt I would make it to 30 let alone 50 if I didn't transition.

The benefit you have now is it's easier to talk about being trans with children than if they're teens or adults. Once you get it out of the way you're free and can look to the future.

I can relate to how you feel I to was afraid of not knowing how others would except me, but you can't go through life worried about what people might or think or say you are holding your self back from being who you are.
You can
only go down that road for so long it the road to no wear.
I know this road it was the road I was on when I cared about what other people thought of me.
It's like your life for other people you have one life live it for yourself.
My breaking point was I new who I was inside and the person inside was dieing to live and I tried to suppress it and fight it conceal it only driving by my worries about how will other people think or say.
I had become my worst enemy, and I was holding my self back.
I began to want this more Eny thing so I let go of my fears decided not to allow them run my life and let the person inside out and just let go and let it flow.
I was scared in the beginning but confidence started to build and was getting stronger.
I work in a wood mill and have transitioned at work that was hard for 2 weeks was criticized for wearing makeup then people started to ask about it and then I told them that I'm a girl and showed them a few pictures of me all dolled up and much surprise they didn't care how I lived my life and the critzum stopped, and I go to work every day with makeup and my nails done.
Transitioning is not easy went good in the work place and not so good with some family like dad who refuse to look at my photos or talk to me, but I can't live my life for him I have to live it for my self and you need to live your life for you.
By doing this I found my self loving life and every day is wonderful to be me.
Remember it's not easy but the pay out of living with your true integerdy in line with your true self can bring happiness
I highly recommend that you start to see a therapist because it is way to much for one person to sort out

You kinda described how I was. I was a very successful male who followed impassioned pursuits and excelled. Every night, before sleeping, I imagined I was a girl. I thought this was a kinky male manesfestation that all males had. I never suffered from depression but was somewhat agressive. I was not aware of the 3rd gender until I was in my forties and only after I had a short affair with a tg that my life changed. So some 20 years later I have had my srs, ffs and ba. I saw a therapist for 8 years just to be sure as I found it so hard to accept .

Today I have found peace and see myself as special to be able to experience 2 lives in a lifetime.  I am proud to be tg and am not in stealth ...

Thanks everyone for your kind words. I am actually feeling much better today. I'm going to try to do better at taking things one day at a time. It's just hard sometimes since I drive a truck for 12 hours a day, I have nothing to do but think and I can't always control the direction my mind goes in.

Quote from: ryokohimura on May 03, 2016, 02:23:38 PM
I had put an expiration date on myself

Did that for years even before I woke up told them Gerard would be dead before 40.
Took out life insurance and just waited. Actually kinda looked forward to it in it's own way he was no loss.

As it turns out I was right he did die at 37 and I'm here now.

And as the chorus from my favourite Jem song goes

Quote from: Jem and the Holograms - The Way I Was
I'll go, but I won't go quietly
Go down, but I'll go down fighting
Don't know where, don't know why
But I can't go back, back to the way I was

It only gets worse in time. Because you WANT to fix the "problem" of being in the wrong body.

Yeah you could try to "suppress" it, but seriously how long do you think that would have ACTUALLY worked, love?
It's a tough thing to think about, and yeah it will affect your life, both positive and negative, but you cant just sit there and wonder "what if" can you?

I've gone through everything, I am on the HRT, with a scheduled appointment for GCS (gender corrective surgery), and yeah I worry about the future, but at the same time... I am happy about it.

My own take on knowing vs. not knowing:

To me, it's like asking whether I'd rather know I have cancer or not know.

Me, I'd rather know because:

1.  If I know, I can (potentially) do something about it.  The treatment might be unpleasant, and I might decide to do nothing, but I'd rather have the choice.

2.  If I don't know, I won't understand why I'm having all these weird symptoms, and they'll scare me.  In the case of cancer: feeling sick, weird, ongoing pains, and worse; in the case of being trans, the chronic sense of weirdness and disconnection, the weird compulsions and inabilities, the self-hatred, the frequent suicidal ideation and impulses.

Just being able to fit the life-long pain and misery, alienation from self and others, suicidal impulses, etc., into a narrative in which they made sense was a huge relief.  My misery wasn't some sort of moral failing or torment I inflict upon my self just for the lulz: it's because I'm trans in a trans-erasing and transphobic world.

But it also has helped me, for the first time in my life, accept myself and find people who accept me.  Things about myself that I always thought were shameful defects I'm now learning to appreciate.  I'm me, and that me isn't as bad as I always thought.

Voluntarily blind myself to the darkness that smothered my life for so many years?  No way!

Quote from: lil_red on May 03, 2016, 04:24:38 PM
I feel like I've opened Pandora's box.

I hear that.

Although I like the fact I have some options or choices now, at least. Before I felt like there was no escape. The knowing is pushing me toward the doors and out of the maze, finally.

I went through the same "I wish I didn't open this box" about 2 months after I realized I was trans.  I remember lying in bed crying my eye's out shaking uncontrollably saying I've ruined everything, my live, your [my wife] life, everyone's.  It was not pretty.

After that I stopped going to my therapist and coming here, tried not to think about it.  After 4 weeks of that I went through a really rough time (3rd month).  By 7 days into the 4th month I was ready to crack open. 

Everything set me off - I was one pissed off guy.  Then I gave in and started to accept that I was trans.  My wife and I talked for hours one day and I started to realize that if I didn't transition I would probably harm myself or physically harm someone near me.  I immediately (the next week) went to a 2nd therapist who confirmed that I showed all the signs of being transgender (they never come out and say "you are Trans") and even she was surprised how fast she could tell.

To me this whole experience has opened my eyes to "it's not a choice."  Before November I wasn't so sure. Today, I know it's not a choice ... let me rephrase that - the choice isn't trans or not trans.   It's live or die.

Do I wish I wasn't trans*... yes.  Is there anything I can do about it.... no.  Well maybe there is. I now accept myself for who I am, I am transgender.  It took me 6+ months (from when I came out to my wife) but I'm feeling better now and actually looking forward to "living the dream."  After 45+ years of knowing I was meant to be a girl I'm finally going to do it and I feel comfortable about it.

I say all this to let you know that it gets better if you let it.

Quote from: T.K.G.W. on May 04, 2016, 02:32:47 PM
I hear that.

Although I like the fact I have some options or choices now, at least. Before I felt like there was no escape. The knowing is pushing me toward the doors and out of the maze, finally.

I admit I do like that I now have choices and options but at the same time I feel like  It's an impossible choice.  On one hand I can't bear the thought of staying in this body when I now know that I can change it.  On the other hand I have made a list of worst-case scenarios and there is one that I just don't think I could make it through: if my husband and I do not survive transition and he ends up with full custody of our kids.

Quote from: lil_red on May 03, 2016, 01:54:23 PM
So yeah, I wish I could go back to not knowing, you know back when I thought this was just a fantasy that would never be able to come true.  Back when I was able to suppress my feelings because I was uneducated and didn't think there was anything I could do about them.

This really spoke to me. I had fantasies about having a woman's body. I was very curious and jealous of the girls when I was a teenager, in addition to the attraction I had to them. But I thought it was just a childish fantasy, something that I was sure everyone had at times, but never wanted to admit it. I grew up in a small town in the 80s, where the word 'transgender' didn't exist, nor did the concept. As a result, I never thought anything of it.

Now that I'm in my 40s, I learned that I had bottled up these feelings (along with most emotion in general) very deeply into a box, hidden in the back corner of my psyche. Then one day the box cracked a bit. Stupid me, I went to investigate and the whole thing blew up. After believing I was a cis man for 40+ years, including 15 years of marriage to a woman who I love very dearly, I am forced to face this and question everything about myself.

I wish there were a way to stuff it all back in the box (or better yet, a bigger, stronger box) so life could go back to 'normal'. My wife is quite supportive, but I know deep-down she wishes this didn't happen either. But I can't get it back in, and everyone I've talked to said that when they stuff it back, it always bursts forth again.

I'm still trying to figure out what exactly I am. I'm glad that even though I live in a small-minded town, there is an experience LGBTQ therapist I am seeing. Part of me wishes she could just tell me what I am and how the path for me will be, but I know life doesn't work that way...

I guess I'm not ready to say that I'm glad I learned I am trans yet. Maybe someday I can come to better terms with it, but not yet.

Jenie in a bottle, Pandora's box, accepting you are trans, extra cereal that spills from a newly  opened box: all things that no matter how you try, you can't put the lid on again. If you do, there is still stuff that got out and you can't ignore.

Trying not to be offended by the fact that I did accept when I was 50 ;), that I guess was my big thing. I have had symptoms since I was 8 or 9. However, I was too stupid or incredibly good at denial till last year. I now have those wishes show up for the others in my life. If it were just me, I would not travel slowly. I would grab Morpheus' pill and dive down the rabbit hole with full knowledge.

However, I think for each of us the struggle at different points in our life will have different focuses. I'm glad to hear you are feeling better.

I think hope lies in unknown potential and that choice you all spoke of.

Now if you will excuse me, I have to have a bowl of cereal. It just won't fit back in the box...

With warmth,

Joanna

The single most enormous mistake I have ever made was to try and find out if am trans or not. Like others have said, I took the lid of this box to see what might be inside. What I found was depression, confusion, endless amounts of self hatred and there is now no way to make it all fit back in the box. And to top it off, I am no closer to answering the question if I am trans. I have pretty much ruined my life. So I very much wish I had never decided to try and find out. Dumbest thing I ever did.

Quote from: kellykh on May 05, 2016, 02:17:02 PM
This really spoke to me. I had fantasies about having a woman's body. I was very curious and jealous of the girls when I was a teenager, in addition to the attraction I had to them. But I thought it was just a childish fantasy, something that I was sure everyone had at times, but never wanted to admit it. I grew up in a small town in the 80s, where the word 'transgender' didn't exist, nor did the concept. As a result, I never thought anything of it.

Now that I'm in my 40s, I learned that I had bottled up these feelings (along with most emotion in general) very deeply into a box, hidden in the back corner of my psyche. Then one day the box cracked a bit. Stupid me, I went to investigate and the whole thing blew up. After believing I was a cis man for 40+ years, including 15 years of marriage to a woman who I love very dearly, I am forced to face this and question everything about myself.

I wish there were a way to stuff it all back in the box (or better yet, a bigger, stronger box) so life could go back to 'normal'. My wife is quite supportive, but I know deep-down she wishes this didn't happen either. But I can't get it back in, and everyone I've talked to said that when they stuff it back, it always bursts forth again.

I'm still trying to figure out what exactly I am. I'm glad that even though I live in a small-minded town, there is an experience LGBTQ therapist I am seeing. Part of me wishes she could just tell me what I am and how the path for me will be, but I know life doesn't work that way...

I guess I'm not ready to say that I'm glad I learned I am trans yet. Maybe someday I can come to better terms with it, but not yet.

This is me, only FTM.  I've only ever lived in small towns in the south.  I was completely oblivious to what transgender  is.. When I think back over my life I'm not sure how the heck I never came to the full realization much sooner because the signs were all there.  I remember being about 5 and drawing a picture of my family and drawing myself as a boy. My mom questioned me about it and I told her that the boy was me, I can't remember exactly what she said. I dont think it was anything harsh; just her explaining I was a girl and not a boy, but I remember crying and feeling crushed and also like I was in trouble. I really felt I was a boy and thought my "boy parts" would grow later or something. I haven't came out to her yet and wonder if she still remembers that.

One of my biggest fears is losing my husband and children over this.  I came out to him four months ago and slowly but fully changed my gender expression  to full on masculine and so far he has been very accepting which is a good sign I think.  Still don't know if we will survive me transitioning though.  I just know I can't shove it back in and I will transition eventually.

I wish you the best of luck on your journey.

Quote from: jayne01 on May 05, 2016, 04:42:40 PM
The single most enormous mistake I have ever made was to try and find out if am trans or not. Like others have said, I took the lid of this box to see what might be inside. What I found was depression, confusion, endless amounts of self hatred and there is now no way to make it all fit back in the box. And to top it off, I am no closer to answering the question if I am trans. I have pretty much ruined my life. So I very much wish I had never decided to try and find out. Dumbest thing I ever did.

So sorry you are having such a rough time. I wish I could give you some good advice but I'm pretty new to this.  PM me if you ever need someone to talk to. If nothing else, I'm a good listener.

Quote from: Joanna50 on May 05, 2016, 04:20:38 PM
Jenie in a bottle, Pandora's box, accepting you are trans, extra cereal that spills from a newly  opened box: all things that no matter how you try, you can't put the lid on again. If you do, there is still stuff that got out and you can't ignore.

Trying not to be offended by the fact that I did accept when I was 50 ;), that I guess was my big thing. I have had symptoms since I was 8 or 9. However, I was too stupid or incredibly good at denial till last year. I now have those wishes show up for the others in my life. If it were just me, I would not travel slowly. I would grab Morpheus' pill and dive down the rabbit hole with full knowledge.

However, I think for each of us the struggle at different points in our life will have different focuses. I'm glad to hear you are feeling better.

I think hope lies in unknown potential and that choice you all spoke of.

Now if you will excuse me, I have to have a bowl of cereal. It just won't fit back in the box...

With warmth,

Joanna

Your reply made me Lol so thanks for that.

I think about this a lot, when other parts of my life are not in the front of my head. I wish I could just be a girly girl or a butch lesbian or something like that. What helps me though is accepting the fact that I am transgender and this is a part of me. If I am going to love myself, then I have to accept this part of me too even if it is hard. Just like I may not like some other aspects of myself, I still have to accept them and love them as a part of who I am. Telling yourself over and over again, I love myself I love myself, might help. Because if you truly love yourself then you love yourself as a whole. And part of that whole is transgender. If Transitioning is something that you know will help you, don't be afraid of it, be patient and be kind to yourself about it. The hardest thing might be waiting when you can accept that you feel the way you do. Lastly I want to say I'm in this same tough spot. It's hard for me to feel this way and acknowledge it. But I still try every day because I love myself and I deserve to give myself what i need. If you love yourself you can give yourself what you need by accepting who you are and being patient, kind, and understanding to your needs :)

Quote from: jayne01 on May 05, 2016, 04:42:40 PM
The single most enormous mistake I have ever made was to try and find out if am trans or not. Like others have said, I took the lid of this box to see what might be inside. What I found was depression, confusion, endless amounts of self hatred and there is now no way to make it all fit back in the box. And to top it off, I am no closer to answering the question if I am trans. I have pretty much ruined my life. So I very much wish I had never decided to try and find out. Dumbest thing I ever did.

Hi Jayne, would you be able to elaborate on this? I would request that you PM me but looks like I don't have the post count/reputation yet to reply. I feel I am in a similar spot as you. In what ways did you remove the lid and in what ways were you hurt by this? Thanks.

Hi Rachel, I'll send you a message later today if that is ok. I don't have time right now.

Quote from: rachel_grr on May 06, 2016, 01:58:49 AM
Hi Jayne, would you be able to elaborate on this? I would request that you PM me but looks like I don't have the post count/reputation yet to reply. I feel I am in a similar spot as you. In what ways did you remove the lid and in what ways were you hurt by this? Thanks.

If you look through those links we spread all over the place, it does state that you may PM  and use and avatar after 15 quality posts. So you are almost there.

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)	Standard Terms & Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html)	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.)
Reputation rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.0.html)	News posting & quoting guidelines (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,174951.0.html)	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,59974.msg383866.html#msg383866)

That info is under Post Ranks.

Joanna

Quote from: jayne01 on May 05, 2016, 04:42:40 PM
The single most enormous mistake I have ever made was to try and find out if am trans or not. Like others have said, I took the lid of this box to see what might be inside. What I found was depression, confusion, endless amounts of self hatred and there is now no way to make it all fit back in the box. And to top it off, I am no closer to answering the question if I am trans. I have pretty much ruined my life. So I very much wish I had never decided to try and find out. Dumbest thing I ever did.

Jayne,

I have posted on one of your other threads several times. It is a tough point to get to and get through.  i try not to tell anyone to do something. I will occasionally give advice, however, I might be able to give you another self diagnosis tool.

If you really feel strongly that you are not sure you are transgender then stop. Give it up and just focus on the rest of your life. If you are not transgender, you can kind of move on. (It was just a phase, right?) However, what I did not put in detail earlier in this thread(trying to keep it light hearted) is the symptoms continuing. If you are transgender, it will not go away, ever. Even if you distract yourself for  awhile, it will come back.

I guess my advice to anyone so distressed is to stop for  a while(make sure it is for a while- you now have a habit to break and that takes about 3 weeks). I pushed it off for years. I do not regret my children or the love of my wife(life?). However, with no disrespect to anyone at any age I feel I wish I had realized and accepted much earlier. I have spent years thinking I was evil, and twisted deep down, smiling on the surface. Years of the self hatred you made mention of. That is the only risk you run in trying this. If you are transgender, I will repeat,  it never goes away. Then you wish you knew earlier(but everyone does. even the 17 year olds, maybe younger).

lil_red, I hope I have not taken away from the subject. I think it is a similar thing you are facing to Jayne. I have moments where I know I can't put it back, but wonder if I couldn't just keep on faking it. Life would be easier, right? Right.....

With warmth and hope,

Joanna

Quote from: Joanna50 on May 06, 2016, 09:02:03 AM
Jayne,

I have posted on one of your other threads several times. It is a tough point to get to and get through.  i try not to tell anyone to do something. I will occasionally give advice, however, I might be able to give you another self diagnosis tool.

If you really feel strongly that you are not sure you are transgender then stop. Give it up and just focus on the rest of your life. If you are not transgender, you can kind of move on. (It was just a phase, right?) However, what I did not put in detail earlier in this thread(trying to keep it light hearted) is the symptoms continuing. If you are transgender, it will not go away, ever. Even if you distract yourself for  awhile, it will come back.

I guess my advice to anyone so distressed is to stop for  a while(make sure it is for a while- you now have a habit to break and that takes about 3 weeks). I pushed it off for years. I do not regret my children or the love of my wife(life?). However, with no disrespect to anyone at any age I feel I wish I had realized and accepted much earlier. I have spent years thinking I was evil, and twisted deep down, smiling on the surface. Years of the self hatred you made mention of. That is the only risk you run in trying this. If you are transgender, I will repeat,  it never goes away. Then you wish you knew earlier(but everyone does. even the 17 year olds, maybe younger).

lil_red, I hope I have not taken away from the subject. I think it is a similar thing you are facing to Jayne. I have moments where I know I can't put it back, but wonder if I couldn't just keep on faking it. Life would be easier, right? Right.....

With warmth and hope,

Joanna

You have not taken away from my post in any way.  For me, it's not that I don't accept or know if I'm transgender because I do fully accept it.  The reason that I want to shove it back in is because I feel like I have this impossible choice to make and  I am not ready to accept the possible  consequences no matter which one I choose. If I were not married to the most amazing man and have three wonderful children with him it would be a no-brainer. I would be at the doctor office begging them to shoot me up with man juice tomorrow [emoji1]

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Quote from: lil_red on May 06, 2016, 10:07:08 AM
You have not taken away from my post in any way.  For me, it's not that I don't accept or know if I'm transgender because I do fully accept it.  The reason that I want to shove it back in is because I feel like I have this impossible choice to make and  I am not ready to accept the possible  consequences no matter which one I choose. If I were not married to the most amazing man and have three wonderful children with him it would be a no-brainer. I would be at the doctor office begging them to shoot me up with man juice tomorrow [emoji1]

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Thanks. Jayne has been struggling with the idea that there is no medical proof of being transgender and it is often considered self diagnosed.

Except for age differences, you and I are mirror images (except I don't hate you and the image I see in a mirror...) Yeah, for me the hard part (at the moment)is really about my family. As I understand it "the hard part" shifts depending on where one is in the journey.

I do hope you are feeling better. You are not alone in these feelings and thoughts.

Feel free to PM if you ever need to.

With warmth,

Joanna

Quote from: Joanna50 on May 06, 2016, 09:02:03 AM
If you are transgender, it will not go away, ever. Even if you distract yourself for  awhile, it will come back.

Hey Joanne, you were the moderator that sent me a PM about my edited and moved thread  >:(, but I'm at 15 posts now!

Would you say that going off to college and then working after and not practicing any crossdressing for 10 years to be a good break? Wanting to be a girl was only contained in my head and through sexual and less-sexual fantasies. Then after 10 years I finally decided to get my first two pairs of female jeans, and like the OP mentioned I feel like pandora's box was opened, and 2 years later I have a huge closet of female clothes I try to wear as much as possible and am considering short-term hormones.

Quote from: rachel_grr on May 06, 2016, 12:33:43 PMWould you say that going off to college and then working after and not practicing any crossdressing for 10 years to be a good break? Wanting to be a girl was only contained in my head and through sexual and less-sexual fantasies. Then after 10 years I finally decided to get my first two pairs of female jeans, and like the OP mentioned I feel like pandora's box was opened, and 2 years later I have a huge closet of female clothes I try to wear as much as possible and am considering short-term hormones.

Yeah, I suspect that such 'breaks' are not uncommon.  I stopped trying to present as female when my parents got me those 'vitamin shots' at age 15 (very likely testosterone considering that I basically went insane, got hairy, dropped grades, etc afterward).  I made it to my late 20s, by which time I was married with kidlets. I finally figured out what I was in my early 30s, then tried to bury it.  She wouldn't stay buried, though.   See avatar... :laugh:

Quote from: rachel_grr on May 06, 2016, 12:33:43 PM
Hey Joanne, you were the moderator that sent me a PM about my edited and moved thread  >:(, but I'm at 15 posts now!

Would you say that going off to college and then working after and not practicing any crossdressing for 10 years to be a good break? Wanting to be a girl was only contained in my head and through sexual and less-sexual fantasies. Then after 10 years I finally decided to get my first two pairs of female jeans, and like the OP mentioned I feel like pandora's box was opened, and 2 years later I have a huge closet of female clothes I try to wear as much as possible and am considering short-term hormones.

I'd say try to avoid a seesaw pattern of repression and breakthroughs.
You might look for an experienced gender therapist to help.
And it may be possible to start with a low dose of hormones to see how they make you feel.


hugs

Quote from: rachel_grr on May 06, 2016, 12:33:43 PM
Hey Joanne, you were the moderator that sent me a PM about my edited and moved thread  >:(, but I'm at 15 posts now!

Would you say that going off to college and then working after and not practicing any crossdressing for 10 years to be a good break? Wanting to be a girl was only contained in my head and through sexual and less-sexual fantasies. Then after 10 years I finally decided to get my first two pairs of female jeans, and like the OP mentioned I feel like pandora's box was opened, and 2 years later I have a huge closet of female clothes I try to wear as much as possible and am considering short-term hormones.

More than enough time. Yes. I was more thinking a year at most. Unless all urges or thoughts of it went away.

Really though, I had times in my life between work, kids and life where an urge would creep up but I was distracted. Not till I got to have some sleep and time to myself that(not to mention severe work pressure) it would all kick in again.

I highly second Laura_7's suggestion of the therapist. Specialized or a generic one helps, initially. Then you can move to a specialist. The only problem with generic therapists is they are not always up to date on our issues.

Rachel_Grr, I imagine you can do private messages, see other's profile and use an avatar now, right?

Hope your journey can smooth out.

With warmth,

Joanna

Quote from: Joanna50 on May 06, 2016, 04:17:20 PM
I highly second Laura_7's suggestion of the therapist. Specialized or a generic one helps, initially. Then you can move to a specialist. The only problem with generic therapists is they are not always up to date on our issues.

Joanna

I don't want to hijack this thread, so I'm going to end this discussion with this post:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,208991.msg1852065.html#msg1852065

I actually started seeing some therapists but looks like I'm learning the hard way what you mean about them not being up to date.

Just watched the Dr Who episode with the Pandorica. Basically an inescapable prison for the most dangerous being in the universe.

I cried during it thinking about how I was trapped inside "him" like my own Pandorica. Opening the box set me free. There may be challenges and I may get hurt along the way but I would never willingly go back into that box.

Definitely in the so glad I know category.
No regrets :)

Quote from: Jerrica on May 07, 2016, 07:33:38 PM
Just watched the Dr Who episode with the Pandorica. Basically an inescapable prison for the most dangerous being in the universe.

I cried during it thinking about how I was trapped inside "him" like my own Pandorica. Opening the box set me free. There may be challenges and I may get hurt along the way but I would never willingly go back into that box.

Definitely in the so glad I know category.
No regrets :)

A horribly accurate analogy.  Knowing, and doing something about it is better to me than being trapped by dysphoria and a black suicidal depression.  I couldn't function that way any longer, but didn't particularly want to die.  I'm trying as hard as I can to acknowledge who I really am, and I refuse to get back into that box, even though others around me might be more comfortable if I did.

In the tradeoff between the (transphobic) discomfort of others, and my very life, I choose life.

Fundamentally that's what it comes down to.  Does transphobia, both internalized and social, keep us in the box, or can we get past the fear, take a long hard look at ourselves, and decide what our true nature is without the fear meddling with our decision process.

I like your acknowledgement of it being "my very life" as I was effectively dead before.

At the risk of hitting Dr Who twice for analogies the whole regeneration thing resonates with me. I have all of Gerard's memories but I am not him. I came alive when he died (and my body is changing too though not as fast). There is nothing I can do except be me so I guess that makes a lot of things easier as there is no choice I simply am Jerrica.

Yeah defo setting myself up for one of those unfashionable long sleeved jackets that buckle round the back now.

Quote from: Jerrica on May 07, 2016, 09:27:15 PMAt the risk of hitting Dr Who twice for analogies the whole regeneration thing resonates with me. I have all of Gerard's memories but I am not him. I came alive when he died (and my body is changing too though not as fast). There is nothing I can do except be me so I guess that makes a lot of things easier as there is no choice I simply am Jerrica.

That's what transition is all about, I think.  We rebuild our physical existence to match our minds.   I just hope I don't develop a taste for fish sticks with custard.  ;)

Quote from: jayne01 on May 05, 2016, 04:42:40 PM
The single most enormous mistake I have ever made was to try and find out if am trans or not. Like others have said, I took the lid of this box to see what might be inside. What I found was depression, confusion, endless amounts of self hatred and there is now no way to make it all fit back in the box. And to top it off, I am no closer to answering the question if I am trans. I have pretty much ruined my life. So I very much wish I had never decided to try and find out. Dumbest thing I ever did.

I previously replied to this thread with the above response. While most of what I said was true, I no longer think it was a mistake to figure out if I am trans or not. Yes it has been a very torturous road for me to get to where I am now, but I am finally starting to reach some level of acceptance, and that alone is helping to reduce the distress I have been feeling. Many people on here and my therapist have been trying to tell me that accepting myself is the first and probably most important step.

I still don't think I can give suitable answer to lil_red in the opening post on how to cope. This is all still very new to me (that is, accepting myself). I still wish I was not trans, life would be so much easier. But I am trans and I cannot change that, so going back to a time where I did not know may seem like I would be in an ignorant bliss, knowing what I know now, I think I would be deluding myself into thinking that not realising I am trans is better than realising and accepting. It still sucks, but at least knowing now let's me understand myself better and not think of myself as some kind of freak or mentally unbalanced.

Jayne

Quote from: jayne01 on May 09, 2016, 01:00:27 AM
I am trans

Congratulations, Jayne!

I think for almost all of us, life would be simpler if we were just ordinary cisgendered people.  But, we aren't, and there's no magic pill or therapy that can put us there.  We have to accept ourselves for what we are, and deal with all the complexity and fallout in accepting our true nature and doing whatever we must to have a happier, healthier life.

Congratulations, Jayne, on taking a huge step forward!