Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hey y'all! I'm new to this forum and I'm not entirely sure if this is the right section.

My names Nick (chosen name, will be explained later) and I'm 19 years old.

I'm a 'female', but a bit confused. Ever since I was old enough to choose my own outfits, I've leaned towards the masculine side. I was considered a tomboy and told that I'd grow out of that phase eventually, but it never went away. I always hung out with boys and was sort of very shy around girls, I've always dressed boyish and never (and still don't) felt comfortable wearing girls clothes/make up. When all of the girls my age started wearing bras, I just never saw the point as to why I had to, I always thought they were uncomfortable and I never really started wearing them until later in middle school. (Now I just wear sports bras.)

By age 13ish, I started getting into video games, mainly computer ones. Whenever I had the chance to create my own character, I made it a boy. If it was a game that I played with my friends I would swap into a boy character when no one was on or I would just say that the boy character looks better than the girl character. Around this time I 'adapted' the persona of Nick, a name I still clearly feel comfortable with. :) Anyways, I would go on websites like Omegle and talk to random strangers and I always felt comfortable when they called me by that name.

Fast forward 6 or 7 years: I'm in a great relationship with a beautiful and amazing girl who is nothing but supportive. I came out as gay during my senior year of high school and just assumed that that was why I leaned toward the masculine side. But now since the movement of the LGBT community is becoming bigger and bigger, I decided to take a look into it and started reading all about people who are Trans and watching youtube videos, looking at Instagram pictures, etc. and I've realized that I somewhat relate to these people and their situations and what they've gone through.

Another issue that might relate to it or not is: my girlfriend goes to college a few states away. She's met some friends there and it sort of makes me jealous. One of them is a boy and it took awhile of contemplating to reach the idea that maybe I'm jealous because he is something I'm not but I want to be? a boy. I've always been fascinated in the male anatomy/lifestyles of different males near me, and I think it's because a part of me wishes that I could live it. I'm attracted to females, but I'm attracted to males in *I think* the sense that I wish I could look like them/pull off their styles/etc. A few little details to add onto this example is that it makes me uncomfortable when someone calls me beautiful/pretty and I don't really feel connected to my first or last name.

The difficulty with it all is that wherever I go (such as work or at my house) I feel uncomfortable talking with anyone about this. I feel like at work I have to act feminine (regardless of the fact that I cut my hair short and mainly wear guys clothes. I actually wear a female shirt to maintain a somewhat feminine look.) so that I won't get judged. I just came out to my dad that I'm gay and he took it a whole lot better than I thought he would, but I know that he and my mom would be VERY shocked and probably (at least my dad) not supportive at all.

So I guess my main question is, has anyone else felt this way? Whether you're ftm/mtf/have known someone that's been in this situation? I think I'm going to talk to my girlfriend about it soon, in hopes that she'll support me the whole way through. I know that no one else can tell me if I'm trans or not, I'd just really like to hear peoples opinions of my situation besides "No one can tell you if you are or aren't".

Thanks so much for reading!

Hello and welcome  :)


Here might be a few resources that could help you:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,208438.msg1847638.html#msg1847638

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,208438.msg1847661.html#msg1847661


*hugs*

Welcome to Susan's Place. I think the answer to your question is just about everybody on the site feels or felt that way at one time or another. It's the discomfort with our role in society or our body that causes us to be transgender. Because you still seem to be early in the exploration process, I am providing a couple of links that may help with that. The first is our WIKI  (https://www.susans.org/wiki/Transgender) where you will understand that transgender comes in many flavors and may help you understand where you fit in. The second link is  "the transition channel"  (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCfO3B57E6NpIn-KsVjvmLLw) where you can walk through a therapy session with many of the topics discussed in therapy. Feel free to post any questions you might have and I will do my best to answer them.

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To answer your question, yes I have felt that way.
As a child, I was thrilled when people called me a boy and sad if they "corrected" themselves. Puberty was a cruel awakening. I struggled against all things feminine and rebelled against all gendered labels. When I was your age, I tried to act feminine and felt ridiculous. To this day (I'm 37), I feel like I'm in drag when I wear women's clothing... and I really don't carry it off well. I always feel like my guyness should be obvious to the world... and it saddens me when it isn't.

Sent from my SM-G870W using Tapatalk

A lot of your past clicks with me particularly the video games part.

Amazing how many years I lived in games as a girl vs years in real world as a guy.

At least you're smart enough to be asking questions at 19 I didn't even know what trans was then apart from evil (which it isn't of course).