Susan's Place Transgender Resources

So my boyfriend is supportive of my transition (so far - I'm pre-everything). He started to use my new name without me asking and things like that. But I don't think he sees me as male at all. Not that he doesn't believe me, but that because we'd been together for four years before i started to formally transition, he's just used to seeing my body and me as female.

I also find that I'm still 'the girl' in the relationship - in the sense of socially, it's still a role I'm put in, and he's quite stuck on that kind of traditional slightly oppositional hetero relationship. Which is strange because we've never filled ~traditional~ roles - we have the same interests etc. But when there's 'couple stuff' on tv or in movies or people are talking about it, i'm still the one associated with the female side.

I know that the femme side of me is always going to linger, and I don't mind being more feminine than him, but I don't want to have to be female because he's cis male. It's tricky.

I'm also not sure what will happen if/when i get on T, and how I'll find a balance between being masc enough for me, but not so different from who i was when we met that we can't stay together. I don't want to force him to embrace some kind of stereotyped 'gay culture'... but it would also be good to acknowledge that that's what our relationship is. I think we might both struggle a bit with internalised homophobia and also loosing straight privileges

Really what I'm looking for is anyone who has been in a similar situation (even if its reversed gender wise) or any advice on how to get out of 'female' social boxes (without becoming a caricature manly man man). I have talked to him about it but every time we talk about my things it does tend to become a bit over emotional, and i find myself explaining the same things over and over. He has researched the medical side of transition (again unprompted by me which is great) but doesn't seem interested in the social side or about changes in actual social roles

Here are a few resources that might help explain:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,208438.msg1847638.html#msg1847638


You might simply be how you feel inside ... letting it show to the outside.
Quite a few things should come naturally to you.

You might do a few things together.
Like going to sports events together ... things that men do together.
It can be fun for both of you.


hugs

Ah he doesn't disbelieve that I'm trans or that gender dysphoria has biological roots, it's more what we now do with that info that's the issue.

Unfortunately neither of us are into sports, and we've always had and explored shared interests! I can't think of anything 'manly' that we'd both enjoy... I don't think I'm the only odd one in this relationship haha

Maybe it would be easier if he was more of a dudebro, but he's actually more centered in his interests and behaviour. He doesn't actually get on terribly well with a lot of men - so I'm scared of going too far to the boy side and being one of those guys that he doesn't understand :/ It's strange, because he's not super 'manly' but there's still a line between us

Quote from: Peep on May 08, 2016, 02:47:37 PM
Ah he doesn't disbelieve that I'm trans or that gender dysphoria has biological roots, it's more what we now do with that info that's the issue.

Unfortunately neither of us are into sports, and we've always had and explored shared interests! I can't think of anything 'manly' that we'd both enjoy... I don't think I'm the only odd one in this relationship haha

Maybe it would be easier if he was more of a dudebro, but he's actually more centered in his interests and behaviour. He doesn't actually get on terribly well with a lot of men - so I'm scared of going too far to the boy side and being one of those guys that he doesn't understand :/ It's strange, because he's not super 'manly' but there's still a line between us

Well the biological connection is based on studies. Its a brochure by the british national health service so he might realize it has some weight. It might help understand, because its really a mans brain, so it might help him accept and understand.

Usually transgender people have an inner feeling for who they are.
If they let it shine through, some behaviour can come naturally. It may help with mannerism, and with how people perceive someone.

Lol sports was just a suggestion... you might do other things ...
in general it may be an opportunity to explore a new side of you ... if you feel you would like to ...

You can't think of anything ? Going to a park, carrying a ball along ... like as children ? Not like a sports event just having fun ...

Concerning social roles you might talk to him ... and I'd say letting your personality shine through, and being persistent ... it should show through over time ...


hugs

In some ways, my husband sounds similar to yours. I am also pre everything and have only decided recently that some kind of transition is necessary. In general, he is my strongest advocate and supporter but I know what you mean about still being the "girl" socially. We have been together over 16 years and while our social roles have changed over time, I fear me as "girl" in our dealings with others might now be entrenched. He has known that I'm a "guy who happens to be female" since we met. In fact, my best friend from high school outright told him when she first met him that he was gay and that I was at least as much a man as he was... and it's true. Before we got married and had kids, there wasn't a "girl" in our relationship.  It started to change when we got married, suddenly he expected a wife... it caused a lot of fights and almost cost us our relationship. Then we had kids, and because I am "mom", I am automatically lumped into the woman category (socially). I am also a stay home parent (for a variety of reasons) but that made it really easy for us to slip into traditional stereotypical roles... even though my husband is the first person to acknowledge that I am a guy, he is just also stuck on the female part of "guy who happens to be female" .

On the whole, I think you just have to discuss what is making you uncomfortable and how you can possibly work through it. I don't know if there are any easy strategies like doing guy things together that will help since he intellectually knows and accepts your true gender.


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Quote from: arice on May 08, 2016, 03:25:48 PM

On the whole, I think you just have to discuss what is making you uncomfortable and how you can possibly work through it. I don't know if there are any easy strategies like doing guy things together that will help since he intellectually knows and accepts your true gender.

Well an experienced gender therapist might help here.
Its likely they have alread encountered such situations and can offer help.
They might also help explain.


*hugs*

Quote from: Laura_7 on May 08, 2016, 03:36:25 PM
Well an experienced gender therapist might help here.
Its likely they have alread encountered such situations and can offer help.
They might also help explain.


*hugs*

I'm sure that it wouldn't hurt.

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Thanks guys for replying, it's good to know that I'm not the only one that feels this way! Maybe because he already accepts me on an intellectual level, that area's covered and i should actually go for a less intellectual, more base level? lol

I'm trying to be more physically active - for a few reasons - but maybe if I don't need someone to help me carry things...

I feel like because I haven't been able to change much about myself yet it doesn't seem real yet. He even said that he forgets I'm even transitioning until i bring it up again.

This is definitely not an easy issue. Not least because how someone else perceives the world or thinks about a person can be very difficult to change, if at all it's possible or even ethical to ask them to change. I myself have the "discussion" every other night about no matter how much he understands biology and personal choices, he himself is caught in the uncomfortable space between understanding and respecting, and what 'feels' natural for him to perceive. I know he is going to have issues when I stop looking female and start looking, sounding and smelling male.

As for roles though, I would not advise changing what you enjoy or feel comfortable with for the sake of that. Unless it is some role that you are not comfortable with. Even in gay male relationships there are varying degrees of 'masculine' or 'feminine' behavior and sometimes one partner is much more feminine in ways than the other. It is not uncommon; the main point is that in such relationships there is still no argument about them both being men.

I've found that I can't be 100% sure if I'm being thought of as male or not, despite being bigger, physically stronger, more assertive and more aggressive in nature than my partner. A certain amount of peace of mind in my case comes from feeling that what I think on that matter is the most important, followed by the probability that T will do its work, and also that I am 100% comfortable doing most roles I do. If I am not, I will say so. Socially I do not really play much of a feminine role. I guess the most traditionally feminine role I do and the only one I do is that I do almost all the cooking, and that's because his cooking is freaking awful, mine is awesome, and I don't want to eat amorphous, overcooked gunk. Other than that we both share all the house tasks, we play videogames together, go out drinking together, watch the same kind of movies together, go visit places together, etc.

I find that I only tend to do specific roles if I am picky about the result, such as the food, or the kinds of food that gets bought. If that's feminine behavior, I don't really care, I want a quality dinner. The social role that used to come with being "the girlfriend" i.e. the person his relatives would chat to because I was just more talkative or whatever, I decided to just drop and let him handle it if they're his relatives. That just sorts itself out without me needing to be the social lubricant. A lot of those feminine expectations or responsibilities won't actually chase you down if you choose to drop them.   

How to get out of the female social box? I guess realize that the door of the box has always been open, and walk out. You don't have to do/say/be things you don't want to. As a male you won't be expected to do them. But don't do things for the sake of distance that make you appear to be clutching because your boyfriend will notice if it's not "you". If there's something you genuinely always wanted to do but never felt you should because of prior female status tell him it's something you always wanted to do, and that won't be a problem.