Community Conversation => Transgender talk => Topic started by: popa910 on May 16, 2016, 01:34:36 AM Return to Full Version
Title: Dysphoria or something else?
Post by: popa910 on May 16, 2016, 01:34:36 AM
Post by: popa910 on May 16, 2016, 01:34:36 AM
Over the past week (which is roughly when I first realised that I may not be completely male, as I had previously thought most of my entire life), I've spent probably upwards of 30 hours researching my sexuality. I've put off my homework at my university (I've still completed it, but not as well as I'd've liked), and I've cut chunks out of my already suboptimal sleeping time.
Thus, in an attempt to prevent myself from whiling away the hours browsing the internet and trying to analyze my feelings and thoughts, I decided to try doing homework in my dorm's study room. Since I've not yet mentioned any of my gender identity issues to anybody in my dorm, I was of course not going to let myself be seen openly searching online about this issue. However, I ended up just staring out the window (it was a gorgeous day outside :) ) and pondering my gender identity instead. I gradually grew more restless and upset. Out of the approximately 2 hours I spent there, less than 1 hour was spent even doing homework. But, as a possible disclaimer, it was my quantum mechanics homework, which I don't enjoy at all, and so that likely contributed. I've had less trouble with other coursework, but some trouble nevertheless.
Could this be a manifestation of dysphoria, or is it more probably just me avoiding homework that I don't enjoy whatsoever?
I am able focus on things like video games (or, at least the one video game I've been playing throughout the week, in which I just last night changed my avatar to be a female, but gender doesn't really affect the game at all, and the avatar could just as well be a snowman/woman or a pineapple, for how much the player (or at least me) relates to them), working at my job, doing things with friends, and eating at the dining hall just fine (for the most part). Additionally, I've found that I tend to relate better to female protagonists in video games.
On a somewhat related note, I have become a bit more feminine in my interactions with my friends and coworkers. Never anything blatant, but just small gestures and talking with different intonations and at a slightly higher pitch (which has been difficult, since I've developed a cough over the past week). I think I like the way things are going, but it's hard to tell. I've also started walking in a slightly more feminine way, which I enjoy doing. It's hard to tell whether these changes have been a conscious decision for me to experiment with my identity, or an automatic and possibly subconscious result of my realisation that I may not be entirely male.
On the other hand, I'm pretty confident that I don't have physical dysphoria. I am actually rather proud of my body, because I've worked hard over the years to strengthen it and stay in great shape. When I think about how having a female body would feel, with the HRT that would make me lose much of my muscle, I don't like the thought of losing all this muscle. Additionally, I don't really know how I would feel with a female body. I haven't focused a ton on that part in my thoughts (I'll work on this in the future), but I do think that I have tended to enjoy the thought, but not with the euphoria that many people with gender dysphoria report.
In order to begin testing this, I've order a pair of women's yoga pants online. Baby steps! I really like my butt, both from my male perspective of having earned that muscle and from my female perspective of finding my butt sexy and curvy, and I want to see how I find it when presented in women's clothing.
Please let me know if something doesn't quite make sense; I'm staying up a bit late again to post this. Thank you so much for reading this!
Thus, in an attempt to prevent myself from whiling away the hours browsing the internet and trying to analyze my feelings and thoughts, I decided to try doing homework in my dorm's study room. Since I've not yet mentioned any of my gender identity issues to anybody in my dorm, I was of course not going to let myself be seen openly searching online about this issue. However, I ended up just staring out the window (it was a gorgeous day outside :) ) and pondering my gender identity instead. I gradually grew more restless and upset. Out of the approximately 2 hours I spent there, less than 1 hour was spent even doing homework. But, as a possible disclaimer, it was my quantum mechanics homework, which I don't enjoy at all, and so that likely contributed. I've had less trouble with other coursework, but some trouble nevertheless.
Could this be a manifestation of dysphoria, or is it more probably just me avoiding homework that I don't enjoy whatsoever?
I am able focus on things like video games (or, at least the one video game I've been playing throughout the week, in which I just last night changed my avatar to be a female, but gender doesn't really affect the game at all, and the avatar could just as well be a snowman/woman or a pineapple, for how much the player (or at least me) relates to them), working at my job, doing things with friends, and eating at the dining hall just fine (for the most part). Additionally, I've found that I tend to relate better to female protagonists in video games.
On a somewhat related note, I have become a bit more feminine in my interactions with my friends and coworkers. Never anything blatant, but just small gestures and talking with different intonations and at a slightly higher pitch (which has been difficult, since I've developed a cough over the past week). I think I like the way things are going, but it's hard to tell. I've also started walking in a slightly more feminine way, which I enjoy doing. It's hard to tell whether these changes have been a conscious decision for me to experiment with my identity, or an automatic and possibly subconscious result of my realisation that I may not be entirely male.
On the other hand, I'm pretty confident that I don't have physical dysphoria. I am actually rather proud of my body, because I've worked hard over the years to strengthen it and stay in great shape. When I think about how having a female body would feel, with the HRT that would make me lose much of my muscle, I don't like the thought of losing all this muscle. Additionally, I don't really know how I would feel with a female body. I haven't focused a ton on that part in my thoughts (I'll work on this in the future), but I do think that I have tended to enjoy the thought, but not with the euphoria that many people with gender dysphoria report.
In order to begin testing this, I've order a pair of women's yoga pants online. Baby steps! I really like my butt, both from my male perspective of having earned that muscle and from my female perspective of finding my butt sexy and curvy, and I want to see how I find it when presented in women's clothing.
Please let me know if something doesn't quite make sense; I'm staying up a bit late again to post this. Thank you so much for reading this!
Title: Re: Dysphoria or something else?
Post by: Denise on May 16, 2016, 09:07:31 AM
Post by: Denise on May 16, 2016, 09:07:31 AM
First (and it always seems like a cop-out of an answer) Therapy. Talk to a specialist.
A quick story my therapist told me. She had a genetic male client (successful married lawyer with children) who satisfied his dysphoria by doing two things:
1) wore female underwear (no bra, just panties)
2) went on a vacation annually by him/her self and dressed en-fem.
That totally satisfied his dysphoria and has been living that way for years.
Good luck
A quick story my therapist told me. She had a genetic male client (successful married lawyer with children) who satisfied his dysphoria by doing two things:
1) wore female underwear (no bra, just panties)
2) went on a vacation annually by him/her self and dressed en-fem.
That totally satisfied his dysphoria and has been living that way for years.
Good luck
Title: Re: Dysphoria or something else?
Post by: popa910 on May 16, 2016, 01:15:54 PM
Post by: popa910 on May 16, 2016, 01:15:54 PM
Thanks for mentioning that; that's interesting that he just seems to need it only once in a while. And I've contacted the person at my school in charge of scheduling gender counseling, so hopefully I'll hear back soon!