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Title: need to be me
Post by: Tomika on May 29, 2016, 02:56:37 PM
Post by: Tomika on May 29, 2016, 02:56:37 PM
Hi. I am new here. I have visited a few different websites on and off for the past 10-15 years (including this one). Like a lot of those who have shared their life's journey, I have tried to deal with who I am.
When I was a kid (can't remember what age) I always dreamed about being a girl. I would get the Sears catalog, and go right to the womens and girls clothing sections. I never got the chance to wear any feminine clothing because my mom was a stay-at-home mom (I'm the oldest of four children). I wanted so much to talk to my mom about what I was thinking and feeling, but she seemed to never be approachable. My dad was either away on business trips, or wrapped up in his own little world; he was not approachable either. Looking back it seemed like my parents were just existing and not really having a relationship.
So, I spent most of my time daydreaming and wanting to be me. One day I thought my mom was out grocery shopping. I thought I could try to be me. I grabbed a skirt and a blouse, and went back to my room, put them on, and felt free. My parents constantly had me wear little suits ( attempting to groom me for the corporate world). I was walking around in my room standing in front of the mirror, and feeling real good about this moment. Then it all came to sudden end. My mom walked into my room without knocking, and found me. She started screaming at me and was so horrified by what she saw. I was caught completely off guard, and I actually got into my closet and held the door shut so my mother couldn't open it. Yes, I literally and figuratively went into the closet. I don't know how long I sat in that closet, but I did not dress up again as long as I lived in my parents house.
I felt lonely, miserable, angry, and hurt for a long time. Got in constant trouble in school. Had fist fights with my father. Would always be trying to defend my self either verbally or physically. I really felt trapped within myself. And I could no understand why for a long time (for years).
At some point I figured out that I was not being true to me.Through a lot of self examination, thinking, and prayer, I slowly began to realize that I was not being me. In my first of two marriages I rediscovered the joy of feeling like a woman. A few times I tried my wife's clothes on. They were not the right size( she was a large woman). But I started to see that my life was not what it should have been. After that divorce, I began to take a long look at where I was at, and where I wanted to be.
Through many struggles, purges, going back and forth between who I am and who I wasn't, I have come to the point that I understand who I am. I have been through the crossdressing. While I felt a certain amount of freedom in attempts to be me, I never really felt I was being true or real to my self.
These days when I look in the mirror I don't see a man. I see a woman. I have a hair style that is unisex. I wear clothes that allow me to feel feminine. I don't try to act a certain way. I just let me be me. I feel more free now than I ever have in my entire life.
I would so much like to transition. I am in my second marriage. And while my wife has seen me dressed and made up, she is not totally supportive. I take my time with all of this with her. She has said that she has seen a change in me. Changes that, to her, show that I am more comfortable with myself and with other people.
I would love to transition. I live in a very rural town (population of 650). Access to the process of transitioning is geographically far away. And I am not in a financial position to proceed. I am looking at online counselling. Being very careful of who I "talk" to.
I know I went on and on with this. Sorry. I am comfortable in my present state of mind right now, as far as where I'm at in my feelings and thinking. But, I am not satisfied with my current physical state of being. I want so much for the outward to match the inward. I am being patient with my self in becoming complete. I am not a man. I am a woman.
Much love and thanks,
Tomika
When I was a kid (can't remember what age) I always dreamed about being a girl. I would get the Sears catalog, and go right to the womens and girls clothing sections. I never got the chance to wear any feminine clothing because my mom was a stay-at-home mom (I'm the oldest of four children). I wanted so much to talk to my mom about what I was thinking and feeling, but she seemed to never be approachable. My dad was either away on business trips, or wrapped up in his own little world; he was not approachable either. Looking back it seemed like my parents were just existing and not really having a relationship.
So, I spent most of my time daydreaming and wanting to be me. One day I thought my mom was out grocery shopping. I thought I could try to be me. I grabbed a skirt and a blouse, and went back to my room, put them on, and felt free. My parents constantly had me wear little suits ( attempting to groom me for the corporate world). I was walking around in my room standing in front of the mirror, and feeling real good about this moment. Then it all came to sudden end. My mom walked into my room without knocking, and found me. She started screaming at me and was so horrified by what she saw. I was caught completely off guard, and I actually got into my closet and held the door shut so my mother couldn't open it. Yes, I literally and figuratively went into the closet. I don't know how long I sat in that closet, but I did not dress up again as long as I lived in my parents house.
I felt lonely, miserable, angry, and hurt for a long time. Got in constant trouble in school. Had fist fights with my father. Would always be trying to defend my self either verbally or physically. I really felt trapped within myself. And I could no understand why for a long time (for years).
At some point I figured out that I was not being true to me.Through a lot of self examination, thinking, and prayer, I slowly began to realize that I was not being me. In my first of two marriages I rediscovered the joy of feeling like a woman. A few times I tried my wife's clothes on. They were not the right size( she was a large woman). But I started to see that my life was not what it should have been. After that divorce, I began to take a long look at where I was at, and where I wanted to be.
Through many struggles, purges, going back and forth between who I am and who I wasn't, I have come to the point that I understand who I am. I have been through the crossdressing. While I felt a certain amount of freedom in attempts to be me, I never really felt I was being true or real to my self.
These days when I look in the mirror I don't see a man. I see a woman. I have a hair style that is unisex. I wear clothes that allow me to feel feminine. I don't try to act a certain way. I just let me be me. I feel more free now than I ever have in my entire life.
I would so much like to transition. I am in my second marriage. And while my wife has seen me dressed and made up, she is not totally supportive. I take my time with all of this with her. She has said that she has seen a change in me. Changes that, to her, show that I am more comfortable with myself and with other people.
I would love to transition. I live in a very rural town (population of 650). Access to the process of transitioning is geographically far away. And I am not in a financial position to proceed. I am looking at online counselling. Being very careful of who I "talk" to.
I know I went on and on with this. Sorry. I am comfortable in my present state of mind right now, as far as where I'm at in my feelings and thinking. But, I am not satisfied with my current physical state of being. I want so much for the outward to match the inward. I am being patient with my self in becoming complete. I am not a man. I am a woman.
Much love and thanks,
Tomika
Title: Re: need to be me
Post by: cindianna_jones on May 29, 2016, 03:00:03 PM
Post by: cindianna_jones on May 29, 2016, 03:00:03 PM
Welcome to Susan's!
Your circumstances are different but your story is very similar to mine. I hope you find comfort here.
Please check out the following links for site rules, helpful tips and other info...
Your circumstances are different but your story is very similar to mine. I hope you find comfort here.
Please check out the following links for site rules, helpful tips and other info...
- Site Terms of Service and rules to live by (http://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)
- Standard Terms and Definitions (http://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html)
- Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar) (http://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.)
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Title: Re: need to be me
Post by: V M on May 29, 2016, 03:40:51 PM
Post by: V M on May 29, 2016, 03:40:51 PM
Hi Tomika :icon_wave:
Welcome to Susan's :) Glad to have you here, join on in the fun
Hugs
V M
Welcome to Susan's :) Glad to have you here, join on in the fun
Hugs
V M
Title: Re: need to be me
Post by: gennee on May 29, 2016, 03:48:11 PM
Post by: gennee on May 29, 2016, 03:48:11 PM
Hi Tomika and welcome to Susan's. I'm very happy that you are proceeding ahead in your transition. I like the way you doing so. I took time for my spouse to be accepting but she is now. It's a great feeling when we be the person that we truly are.
:)
:)