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Title: Coming Out Online - A First Step Toward Liberation
Post by: Buffy on May 31, 2016, 03:36:54 PM
Post by: Buffy on May 31, 2016, 03:36:54 PM
Hello everyone,
I'm currently finishing my second year of graduate school toward my phD in political science with a focus on racial and gender identity and its political construction. [My interests have been guided by my own pursuit of self-discovery.]
I am still in the closet completely; I have yet to tell a soul about my gender identity. In college I came out as "gay", but had always felt like a woman/girl without the ability to express or know myself as I truly am. The process of coming out as attracted to the "same" gender that I have been identified as was already an arduous task. I still have issues with revealing my attraction of men [no matter how progressive I am, I still cannot shake a sense of shame.] Here is a bit of background information I'd like to share:
I was three month premature, and supposed to be a twin. Rather, I am a case of vanishing twin syndrome, in which one twin is absorbed by the other - this forms a synthesis from both sets of DNA. As a result, I also had extra body parts, including 6 extra teeth, two livers, and I am questioning whether I have had ambiguous genitalia. The reason I question the genitalia is because of a couple surgeries I had as a young child 3-4 years old. I remember after the surgery I was able to use the urinal for the first time. It's actually one of my earliest memories, but I hardly remember the actual surgery, just after the fact. I also have scars that are indicative of hypospadias and my mom has asked the family practitioner to examine my genitalia a few times during check-ups and seemingly unrelated visits.
I should also mention that I was in the hospital for 4 months after birth with continue check-ups until around 4 years old. The funny thing is that my mom was simply going to the obstetrician as a part of a scheduled check-up on the 23rd week of her pregnancy with me. Shortly after her doctor conducted an ultrasound the doctors told her that I was in distress and had about a 10% chance of living if she agreed to an emergency c-section. She, of course, had the c-section despite the medical risk on her own body with merely a local anesthetic. Thereafter, I was in the hospital for several months with a high risk (75%) of either blindness, deafness and/or significant cognitive and developmental impairments. I managed to not have any of those conditions.
I still need to confirm my suspicions with medical records, but I still find it questionable how cryptic my mom becomes when speaking about my early childhood in and out of the hospital. Also, my dad actually never, not even once, has talked to me about the fact that I was in the hospital for months and continue in and out of the hospital on visit thereafter - not a single time has he discussed this with me. Who knows why? He is after-all sexist, racist, xenophobic, and transphobic, so I wouldn't be surprised by the disparaging comments he has made to me growing up that he is somehow ashamed of only me (not my brothers) despite me being the only "successful" child. For instance, if I was drawing he would call me a ->-bleeped-<-got, or if I made any complaint about anything he would call me a "princess" or "bitch". I'm not sure if it's just "guy-talk" (which is still inexcusable) or if he was specifically directing comments about my gender. Another time I had a girl over to play in kindergarten. We had so much fun, I had never played with a girl before. We dressed up and made forts, and my dad heard me call myself a princess. He then came into the room, called the girl's parents, had her taken home, and then I wasn't allowed to play with her anymore. I'm from the middle of nowhere (3 hours away from a mall, to give some perspective on the culture).
I remember several occasions in which strangers assumed I was a girl because of my high pitch voice and facial features; however, I now have a "normal" male voice.
Currently I have small breasts (gynocomastia) despite being "normal" weight for my height. [ 6' 0/175 lbs]
Actually, I have always had them. I tried losing them once by losing weight with little success; they start to flatten a bit when I am around 145 lbs, but I have even been down to 135 [and very unhealthy] in pursuit of trying to be gender "confirming".
I have a ton of other things to say, but all-in-all I have suspicions, even about the genitals I was born with [I am uncertain whether I am intersex]. These details, though insightful, are still second in importance next to the fact that I always wanted to be a girl and had these expressions suppressed. I know the very first course of action is to see a trusted doctor, but I still am not sure who to see or how I make that decision if anyone has any resources.
With regard to my sexual attraction to men, I always have felt incomplete when I am with them because I have always been treated like a man. I have stopped dating completely as I need to focus on my gender identity. I have contemplated, and hell, fantasized, about coming out and transitioning, but I have continued to suppress that desire. In the research I am doing, these forms of cognitive dissonance, in discarding memory, thoughts, and ideas is what makes our identities fixed, unchangeable, and inexpressive. I am against the idea of a gender binary, or even the conceptions of femininity and masculinity as benchmarks for ideal forms of gender expression. By that I mean, though I feel womanly in appearance, my personality would never and should never conform to ideals of femininity established by institutions. Rather, I want my exterior to be expressive of beauty, but my personality to be unbounded by gender expectations.
I will say that I am scared -- I imagine many (if not most) transexual and gender-questioning people are apprehensive about passing and whether to stay the course as their current, fixed, and suppressed identity despite it not being fulfilling. I really want to force myself to tell some people and make myself accountable to my identity. For instance, this is the very first time I have expressed to anyone, even if it's online, how I identity.
I cannot wait to read more narratives on here and communicate with others to let me know I am not alone in this struggle for self-discovery and freedom of identity.
Thanks for reading,
Tyler
PS, my username "Buffy" is in reference to Buffy the Vampire Slayer, my version of the power rangers -- it still reigns as my favorite show through childhood and adulthood and closely tied with fond memories of my grandmother who always wanted a granddaughter (and got three grandsons). In many ways she always treated me like her granddaughter. She would encourage me to do art, sing, and anything I damned please without regard to gendered expectations. She herself was a native american woman who was able to become a powerful political leader in local government -- mind you this is in the middle of nowhere midwest and all of the prominent players are white men. She was tough and always stood up to her male counterparts.
I'm currently finishing my second year of graduate school toward my phD in political science with a focus on racial and gender identity and its political construction. [My interests have been guided by my own pursuit of self-discovery.]
I am still in the closet completely; I have yet to tell a soul about my gender identity. In college I came out as "gay", but had always felt like a woman/girl without the ability to express or know myself as I truly am. The process of coming out as attracted to the "same" gender that I have been identified as was already an arduous task. I still have issues with revealing my attraction of men [no matter how progressive I am, I still cannot shake a sense of shame.] Here is a bit of background information I'd like to share:
I was three month premature, and supposed to be a twin. Rather, I am a case of vanishing twin syndrome, in which one twin is absorbed by the other - this forms a synthesis from both sets of DNA. As a result, I also had extra body parts, including 6 extra teeth, two livers, and I am questioning whether I have had ambiguous genitalia. The reason I question the genitalia is because of a couple surgeries I had as a young child 3-4 years old. I remember after the surgery I was able to use the urinal for the first time. It's actually one of my earliest memories, but I hardly remember the actual surgery, just after the fact. I also have scars that are indicative of hypospadias and my mom has asked the family practitioner to examine my genitalia a few times during check-ups and seemingly unrelated visits.
I should also mention that I was in the hospital for 4 months after birth with continue check-ups until around 4 years old. The funny thing is that my mom was simply going to the obstetrician as a part of a scheduled check-up on the 23rd week of her pregnancy with me. Shortly after her doctor conducted an ultrasound the doctors told her that I was in distress and had about a 10% chance of living if she agreed to an emergency c-section. She, of course, had the c-section despite the medical risk on her own body with merely a local anesthetic. Thereafter, I was in the hospital for several months with a high risk (75%) of either blindness, deafness and/or significant cognitive and developmental impairments. I managed to not have any of those conditions.
I still need to confirm my suspicions with medical records, but I still find it questionable how cryptic my mom becomes when speaking about my early childhood in and out of the hospital. Also, my dad actually never, not even once, has talked to me about the fact that I was in the hospital for months and continue in and out of the hospital on visit thereafter - not a single time has he discussed this with me. Who knows why? He is after-all sexist, racist, xenophobic, and transphobic, so I wouldn't be surprised by the disparaging comments he has made to me growing up that he is somehow ashamed of only me (not my brothers) despite me being the only "successful" child. For instance, if I was drawing he would call me a ->-bleeped-<-got, or if I made any complaint about anything he would call me a "princess" or "bitch". I'm not sure if it's just "guy-talk" (which is still inexcusable) or if he was specifically directing comments about my gender. Another time I had a girl over to play in kindergarten. We had so much fun, I had never played with a girl before. We dressed up and made forts, and my dad heard me call myself a princess. He then came into the room, called the girl's parents, had her taken home, and then I wasn't allowed to play with her anymore. I'm from the middle of nowhere (3 hours away from a mall, to give some perspective on the culture).
I remember several occasions in which strangers assumed I was a girl because of my high pitch voice and facial features; however, I now have a "normal" male voice.
Currently I have small breasts (gynocomastia) despite being "normal" weight for my height. [ 6' 0/175 lbs]
Actually, I have always had them. I tried losing them once by losing weight with little success; they start to flatten a bit when I am around 145 lbs, but I have even been down to 135 [and very unhealthy] in pursuit of trying to be gender "confirming".
I have a ton of other things to say, but all-in-all I have suspicions, even about the genitals I was born with [I am uncertain whether I am intersex]. These details, though insightful, are still second in importance next to the fact that I always wanted to be a girl and had these expressions suppressed. I know the very first course of action is to see a trusted doctor, but I still am not sure who to see or how I make that decision if anyone has any resources.
With regard to my sexual attraction to men, I always have felt incomplete when I am with them because I have always been treated like a man. I have stopped dating completely as I need to focus on my gender identity. I have contemplated, and hell, fantasized, about coming out and transitioning, but I have continued to suppress that desire. In the research I am doing, these forms of cognitive dissonance, in discarding memory, thoughts, and ideas is what makes our identities fixed, unchangeable, and inexpressive. I am against the idea of a gender binary, or even the conceptions of femininity and masculinity as benchmarks for ideal forms of gender expression. By that I mean, though I feel womanly in appearance, my personality would never and should never conform to ideals of femininity established by institutions. Rather, I want my exterior to be expressive of beauty, but my personality to be unbounded by gender expectations.
I will say that I am scared -- I imagine many (if not most) transexual and gender-questioning people are apprehensive about passing and whether to stay the course as their current, fixed, and suppressed identity despite it not being fulfilling. I really want to force myself to tell some people and make myself accountable to my identity. For instance, this is the very first time I have expressed to anyone, even if it's online, how I identity.
I cannot wait to read more narratives on here and communicate with others to let me know I am not alone in this struggle for self-discovery and freedom of identity.
Thanks for reading,
Tyler
PS, my username "Buffy" is in reference to Buffy the Vampire Slayer, my version of the power rangers -- it still reigns as my favorite show through childhood and adulthood and closely tied with fond memories of my grandmother who always wanted a granddaughter (and got three grandsons). In many ways she always treated me like her granddaughter. She would encourage me to do art, sing, and anything I damned please without regard to gendered expectations. She herself was a native american woman who was able to become a powerful political leader in local government -- mind you this is in the middle of nowhere midwest and all of the prominent players are white men. She was tough and always stood up to her male counterparts.
Title: Re: Coming Out Online - A First Step Toward Liberation
Post by: cindianna_jones on May 31, 2016, 03:44:05 PM
Post by: cindianna_jones on May 31, 2016, 03:44:05 PM
Welcome to Susan's! I'm a buffster fan too!
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Title: Re: Coming Out Online - A First Step Toward Liberation
Post by: V M on May 31, 2016, 03:46:09 PM
Post by: V M on May 31, 2016, 03:46:09 PM
Hi :icon_wave:
Would you rather be called Buffy or Tyler?
Welcome to Susan's :) Glad to have you here, join on in the fun
Hugs
V M
Would you rather be called Buffy or Tyler?
Welcome to Susan's :) Glad to have you here, join on in the fun
Hugs
V M
Title: Re: Coming Out Online - A First Step Toward Liberation
Post by: Buffy on May 31, 2016, 07:24:54 PM
Post by: Buffy on May 31, 2016, 07:24:54 PM
Thanks for the welcomes. Good to see other Buffy fans as well!
Thanks! I am both nervous, excited, and fearful all at once -- better than no emotion!
Tyler, for now. I like Buffy for my inspiration of self discovery and a bit of my own persona, but I might want to just keep Tyler for my name since it also androgynous -- I am not at all set on this yet!
Quote from: V M on May 31, 2016, 03:46:09 PM
Hi :icon_wave:
Would you rather be called Buffy or Tyler?
Welcome to Susan's :) Glad to have you here, join on in the fun
Hugs
V M
Thanks! I am both nervous, excited, and fearful all at once -- better than no emotion!
Tyler, for now. I like Buffy for my inspiration of self discovery and a bit of my own persona, but I might want to just keep Tyler for my name since it also androgynous -- I am not at all set on this yet!
Title: Re: Coming Out Online - A First Step Toward Liberation
Post by: SidneyAldaine on June 01, 2016, 03:55:01 PM
Post by: SidneyAldaine on June 01, 2016, 03:55:01 PM
Oh honey, I know what you're talking about. At least the part about being premature- 3 months for me. The easiest way to find out about your past is to check your records and if you don't have any, then let the doctor examine you. There have to be some marks..
Anyway, I'm still not out completely myself and I'm scared too. I wish you had more courage than me!
Oh, and welcome to Susan's!
Anyway, I'm still not out completely myself and I'm scared too. I wish you had more courage than me!
Oh, and welcome to Susan's!