Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hi everyone...  the SO forum already has heard from me multiple times and knows how I feel already, so maybe yall can talk to me too. I've been strengthened so much by reading all of your stories and struggles. As a cis female I cant imagine having felt this way my entire life—but I know both in my mind and heart that it is very real.   I feel terrible for any struggles that all of you have been through, and I'm proud of anyone that decides to live their truth. I wish I had known this about my partner sooner so I could have supported her, it would have explained some of what was underneath a lot of the problems in our relationship . 
As a partner, I am struggling, because this was very sudden for me.  When I've read many stories of others it sees like the transition/coming out was over an extended time ,but my SO came out to me in just a week or two—I didn't leave, in fact, I tried to support her- but I also was emotional and mourned the loss of the man I thought I would be marrying.  At the same time, because of how quickly things moved I never really got to reflect on  my own sexuality and how much I wanted to be with her.
I tried telling her this after the fact, but I don't know if she believes me.  I have learned so much about gender, sexuality, love, and life through this entire process and I still feel like she is the right person as my partner in life.  I have always been very open/sexual and I am/was excited about her sexually even if he becomes a female entirely.  I also was open to threesomes with men. But I guess the harsh reality I have to face is that maybe my ex-SO really wants to be in a relationship with a biological man- which I never will be.   This devastates me in many ways. Because she was the person I had planned a life with.   We aren't super young so this isn't our first rodeo- we both were ready to settle down. Her living her dream and coming out as transgender doesn't mean we have to give up all or our future. .  If Ill never be able to make her happy, I wish she at least had the courage to share this with me.

What hurts a lot is my ex SO has completely shut me out of her life- I cant contact her.. with risk that she will report me for bothering her.  I miss her every moment of every day.  She told me so many times I was the only woman who had loved her, accepted her and made her feel safe enough to realize this about herself.   I have come to terms with the fact that I fell in love with a woman- not a man. I love her for what is on the inside of her soul.  I feel this intense need to stay by her side, help her, and make her achieve her dreams----but  she won't let me.  I want to tell her that I love her and I think she looks absolutely beautiful- but I cant. I wish that I could hold her and kiss her- I still desire her.  I am so heartbroken and hurting.  I wish I had more of a chance to understand what she was struggling with and support her before she shut me out.  This isn't just a phase or because I am hurt. I love this person- male or female, more than Ive ever loved anyone before.

If any of you are reading this- and have a significant other- remember to give them some time to try to process this- and if you have kept it from them, realize that maybe it was underneath everything.  Give them a chance to show you their love.  I know at the same time there aren't many of us who would want to stay around through all of this- but I do.  I wish she would come back.  If there's any chance she reads this, I want her to know that I love her, and I am her rock and will always be. 

Any support is appreciated.  Love to all of y'all  <3

Ps.. I colored my avatar-- I left it for my ex-- but she threw it in a box back to me.. its supposed to be a male bird turning into a female and the female bird showing that she loved her back.... :-/

sorry this has happened to you

thanks girl.. Im just so hurt.. I miss her so much :(

Has she mentioned wanting to be with a man? I know my sexuality didn't really change. I still prefer women, and I've known many others that do as well. Although a lot of the ones that I know that do are already married to one, which kinda makes me nervous sometimes finding anybody for me in a weird way. Somebody would have to get to know me while knowing I'm trans. I can't say that I ever hear from my ex. They're pretty lucky to have somebody so supportive, even if they do feel the need to hide right now. Hopefully they'll wake up and come back to you.

Your account is really moving. I wish you the love of your life comes back to you.

Quote from: KyleeKrow on June 02, 2016, 01:54:34 AM
Has she mentioned wanting to be with a man?

Not specifically saying she definitely wants to- but confusion about it/ uncertainty about it in the past.  I mean she also seemed attracted to me and acted like she still wanted to be with women- so idk.  Who knows, maybe it really is just me she doesn't want to be with anymore, but it was a very bad and tumultuous time to decide that or single out my own insecurities when this was a lot to take on.  I just wanted another chance for our relationship now that everything is on the table.

Thanks for the kind words Lucie and KyleeKrow--  I guess all I can do is hope that she remembers me too. :(

Quote from: gnb984 on June 01, 2016, 11:40:30 PM
Ps.. I colored my avatar-- I left it for my ex-- but she threw it in a box back to me.. its supposed to be a male bird turning into a female and the female bird showing that she loved her back.... :-/

Sorry I have no good input on the relationship front (amazingly sad, so so sorry :'() but holy crap, the painting & the backstory of the painting got me all weepy... truly beautiful.  Shame it fell on deaf ears, so to speak (or blind eyes in this case).

The very best to you :angel:

I firmly believe an SO has it worse. As a TG I spent about... ALL my life trying to get a handle on this. My poor wife, in comparison, had barely milli-seconds in comparison the days to weeks after I dropped the T-Bomb. There is so much to digest. So many RAW emotions to filter, to examine.

Without the follow-through, or keeping open the lines of communication, the relationship is doomed. Far more so then dealing with the raw emotions which may come out early on.

And then there is the "Euphoria Factor". The cat is out of the bag and... well full speed ahead. Totally unfair to an SO still in shock for days or weeks afterwards. And... dare I say, selfish? A disregard of your feelings and emotional state.

Idk, I wouldn't say SO have it worse- we just have less time to cope. I can't imagine feeling like I was in the wrong body my whole life. I find beauty in people being able to finally be who they want to be. 

When you love someone that's what you want for them- their wants and needs are as important as yours and you want them to be happy.  I definitely felt the selfishness- but part of me still has hope that underneath it all she still is a good person, and remembers the love we had. I think if she can never see how her gender struggle affected both me and her though, you're right- there would be no hope.  I think both people have to be able to admit their contributions to issues in a relationship- problems are never based on one person's faults- that's why its a relationship- there are two people involved. 

It's probably foolish of me to still care and hold on to my unrequited love. I just worry about her a lot and want to help her be everything she wants to be- learn things and experience all the feminine things she never had the chance to.After being the first person she came out to- the first person to really put makeup on her, go out shopping with, be comfortable around her being a woman - everything- its hard to forget the bond we shared. Not to mention all of the life we had planned before her coming out.  In retrospect, I can see now how it led to lots of our issues- but because I never had an idea of these underlying feelings, I couldn't base my  actions accordingly- which leaves me wishing I could go back knowing what I know now and understand more about things.  I can't make someone want me too- I guess more than anyone in Ive ever met in my life I just have a  really hard time giving up and forgetting her.  For now, I am just taking care of me, my education and my career.  She was the missing piece to complete my life and I could finally see all parts of my future clearly.  Im just gonna try to keep the rest of those parts in tact and keep praying everyday that she will remember me.

Just wanted to say again... I really feel for you:) I to am open to my ex as a woman... I even find myself looking at woman's bits more then I used to!
I hope you are ok and find the closure you may need:) xx


Significant other
Heterosexual woman

You are a saint, and don't let anyone ever tell you or make you feel otherwise. I too got a bit weepy reading about your painting... What you are offering as an SO is what many in our community could only dream of. It sounds to me like maybe your SO is feeling a bit unsure of what she really wants, and that by blocking you out, she can get to the bottom of it. I definitely had doubts about my feelings immediately before and for a bit after... That's all I can think of. It is so unbelievably confusing when something that is considered to be such a pillar of who we are comes crashing down around us, and we as transgender people sometimes begin to question who we really are. At least for me this was true.

Have you talked to a therapist that specializes in this area? They may be able to offer additional insight, and likely well worth the visit.

FWIW, things looked pretty bleak from my end off and on from about November when I talked to my SO to around beginning of May. I have an opposite situation here, where my wife was not quite sold on it 'forever'. She was sort of giving it time and going slow, trying to figure it out. She is sold on the forever part now, and is really beginning to sort of enjoy it, but that six months was pure torture for me. I guess what I'm saying is that it is a process, it can take time and there is no set-in-stone way of navigating. Follow your heart, be the best you that you can be - in the end, that is all you can do, which in your case seems to be pretty dang good!!!!

J

Quote from: kelseygal on June 02, 2016, 10:33:59 PM
You are a saint, and don't let anyone ever tell you or make you feel otherwise. I too got a bit weepy reading about your painting... What you are offering as an SO is what many in our community could only dream of. It sounds to me like maybe your SO is feeling a bit unsure of what she really wants, and that by blocking you out, she can get to the bottom of it. I definitely had doubts about my feelings immediately before and for a bit after... That's all I can think of. It is so unbelievably confusing when something that is considered to be such a pillar of who we are comes crashing down around us, and we as transgender people sometimes begin to question who we really are. At least for me this was true.

Have you talked to a therapist that specializes in this area? They may be able to offer additional insight, and likely well worth the visit.

FWIW, things looked pretty bleak from my end off and on from about November when I talked to my SO to around beginning of May. I have an opposite situation here, where my wife was not quite sold on it 'forever'. She was sort of giving it time and going slow, trying to figure it out. She is sold on the forever part now, and is really beginning to sort of enjoy it, but that six months was pure torture for me. I guess what I'm saying is that it is a process, it can take time and there is no set-in-stone way of navigating. Follow your heart, be the best you that you can be - in the end, that is all you can do, which in your case seems to be pretty dang good!!!!

J

Thanks Kelsey gal-

Its still a struggle for me everyday- I miss her and wish I could talk to her, wonder how she is doing, but I can't tell her because I have to respect her wishes that she doesn't want me in her life right now. It hurts not knowing if she ever thinks of me or missed me, after all we had together.  I guess after we both told each other we were the one- which we really hadn't felt before- its hard for me to see how she has completely forgotten and erased all of that. It kinda makes me feel like I am a barrier or something negative in her life- or that I would restrict her in some way.  At the same time, because she hasn't responded to all I proposed/said to her  about our future/our life, I know there is some reason why she can't at least face me. It breaks my heart.

Yes, I go to a therapist now that is actually a specialist in Trans Related issues and partners/families..  I mean as well as a ton of other things- she is one of the leaders of the entire counseling department at my university so she's very experienced. She's awesome:) Even though I pretty much talk in circles a lot because theres so many answers both she and I don't have. I did things wrong in our relationship- but I guess  little opposite of yours, my pressure to move forward in our relationship was without me knowing about any of my partner's struggle with gender.  Not that it excuses my anxiety/insecurities/ behaviors that upset my partner at all- and I acknowledge I could have done better. Yet, I think these issues made my partner much more on edge and to hold onto lots of anxiety and worry about herself despite me- and that attitude I think definitely played into her view of our relationship as well.  Past girlfriends had expressed non acceptance of even a slight sign of her wanting to transition- and I think she probably I expected the same from me. I was sad at first, but then sure I wanted her still, and still do. Its still hard not to blame myself for adding stress onto my partner about our relationship, and I often feel sad and try to take this on entirely as my fault - but even when I have literally tried to convince my therapist that it is all my fault she reasons out everything that has happened as it being due to both my mistakes and my partner's underlying issues- like a perfect storm I guess.  I guess I still hold a glimmer of hope because she told me she loved me. I guess if anything else it would mean a lot to at least know that she acknowledged her part in things too, and how holding all of this in affected us. 

Speaking of my therapist-- she's going to all of the days of the Trans Health Care conference starting tomorrow here in Philadelphia.   Back when my ex first came out to me I had read a lot about it. It looks like there are going to be a lot of really great seminars for SO's too- I would have really wanted to attend it.  Most years a few students from my school go together.  I was still thinking of going at first, but I think it would be better to respect some distance still, so Im not going to attend.  Luckily I've learned so much valuable insight and appreciation for all of those transitioning through talking and reading things on here, talking to my therapist, and reading and watching so much online.

I can't even imagine how difficult things are on your side too- I think its so hard for both sides.  I think some people take time to feel things out - unfortunately some leave and some decide to stay, and its good that you allowed her that time. I wasn't really allowed any time once things were really out in the open- and I wish now that all we had at least deserved another chance, ya know? I wish I could share all this with her and help her- I think it would be so special and would just make us even closer than we were before.  If not, it would be really great to know why :-/

It sounds like your wife really valued that time you gave her to sort through things and definitely wants to stick by your side- which is awesome.  It seems like lots of people on here that have stayed together say their relationships got even stronger and happier.  I wish that for you too :)

I am very sorry you are going through this.  I of course can not tell you what your ex is thinking i can relate a little of my experience.  When i just could not hide anymore i broke my relationship off with my SO and didnt give her an explanation at all.  After admitting i was truly trans and starting treatment i did get back with her and now things are amazing.  My point is that maybe she just needs a little time.  I know that seems incredibly unfair.  I do hope that she will think of what she has lost so you can at least be friends if not more.  I am sure she could really use the support but may not be able to ask right now.  All the best.  Hugs

Yes, this is super important. Giving time to people to adjust. This is why I'm happy to have always told I was a woman to everyone - even though I transitionned 10 years later.

I just said "I'm beginning thinking about it" 3 years ago, then we occassionnally discussed about it, then 2 years ago I made the decision, I started HRT 1 year ago and dressing as a woman last month... Everything was super slow.

I love two people and in the end, I think both of them had time to adjust and still have. I don't rush them, even though I admit I'm sometimes a bit sexually frustrated.

My partner was super hetero, like 0 percent lesbian, and this morning she just kissed me and touched my boobs and was all over me. It just takes time. 6 monthes ago she was like "I'll never touch your genitalias", now she's like "mmm well later maybe".

Everything takes time and it's frustrating but if you let people adjust, you might end up keeping the people you love close to you. And this is awesome.

Now there are also cases where we just don't like the person anymore and it has nothing to do with the transition. That happens too. But if it's not the case, giving time to adjust is the best thing one can do.

Quote from: Ange on June 09, 2016, 01:38:07 AM
Yes, this is super important. Giving time to people to adjust. This is why I'm happy to have always told I was a woman to everyone - even though I transitionned 10 years later.

I just said "I'm beginning thinking about it" 3 years ago, then we occassionnally discussed about it, then 2 years ago I made the decision, I started HRT 1 year ago and dressing as a woman last month... Everything was super slow.

I love two people and in the end, I think both of them had time to adjust and still have. I don't rush them, even though I admit I'm sometimes a bit sexually frustrated.

My partner was super hetero, like 0 percent lesbian, and this morning she just kissed me and touched my boobs and was all over me. It just takes time. 6 monthes ago she was like "I'll never touch your genitalias", now she's like "mmm well later maybe".

Everything takes time and it's frustrating but if you let people adjust, you might end up keeping the people you love close to you. And this is awesome.

Now there are also cases where we just don't like the person anymore and it has nothing to do with the transition. That happens too. But if it's not the case, giving time to adjust is the best thing one can do.

Quote from: Christinetobe on June 09, 2016, 12:06:16 AM
I am very sorry you are going through this.  I of course can not tell you what your ex is thinking i can relate a little of my experience.  When i just could not hide anymore i broke my relationship off with my SO and didnt give her an explanation at all.  After admitting i was truly trans and starting treatment i did get back with her and now things are amazing.  My point is that maybe she just needs a little time.  I know that seems incredibly unfair.  I do hope that she will think of what she has lost so you can at least be friends if not more.  I am sure she could really use the support but may not be able to ask right now.  All the best.  Hugs

Thanks everyone for the support. Sometimes it feels like I don't have many people to talk to about all of this that truly understand it all. I feel like someone who can relate is someone who is trans, a family member, close friend or  SO   because they have a deeper understanding of how complex it all is.
My ex is going through so many changes right now, really quickly. I wish I could be by her side during things. But I think you both may be right, that she needs/ needed to accept on her own that she is trans and maybe she feels like she needs to do this all herself.  Sometimes I worry that because of my initial emotions, questions and struggle that she thinks that will just continue, and that I will just add to the already monumental stress that transitioning brings her.  That I will cause her more axiety and make things harder for her. I wish she would remember that within about 2 weeks she went from the man I was with before to wanting to completely become a woman. It was so fast for me, and I think that anyone would have questions. I have had so much time to reflect on things and I am more confident/ secure in  knowing I want her no matter what- and I wanted to be able to show her I am happy for her in her transition, but I haven't even gotten a chance to show her.
Our relationship was rocky before she came out to me (I was the first person) .  I also know that we both had never been so connected to another person.  She told me when she met me that I was the one she wanted to marry and she had never been so certain of anything in her life- weve both had other relationships and it just felt like we had finally found our soulmates.  Sometimes its hard for me to believe that  all of that can be taken back.  People may point out that people change/get divorces etc etc.  That's true- I guess I just don't want to give up on someone I love with all of my heart.  The last time I saw her in person, even after all of this, She told me more than once that she loved me.  That has left me feeling so lost as to why I cant be in her life at all.
Youre also right- she could just not want to be with me- which is her reason she says for leaving me.  She has every right to say/feel that way.  Yet, inside of me, and the therapists Ive talked to, knows that it is not only my fault.  Many of our problems came from me wanting our relationship to move forward, get engaged etc etc and the insecurities I felt about my partner drawing away from me. Yes, I did have some behaviors, insecurity issues, questioning her too often that I needed to work on. 
We had a few fights- like most couples do.  After that it seemed like she never would forgive me and get back to all of the promises she had made about us getting engaged and married.  This led to confusion on my part and lack of understand as to why she wouldn't forgive me enough to get back to that- even when we did still have great times together. When all is said and done, it is obvious to me, and to those that have counseled me that maybe some of my ex's with drawl from me was because she knew that she still had all of these feelings inside of her.  Then, me "pressuring" and "questioning" her about our future that she had initially been so enthusiastic about made her even more reactive because of all of her anxiety and stress of holding this in.  I am not saying that I did not add to the stress- but I had no idea that she was going through something so difficult inside, and I wish I would have truly understood.   
Even after my ex came out to me, we serious discussion where she told me that no matter what,  one thing I would never have to worry about was losing her love, how she looked like on the outside.  That I can know in my heart that I don't have to be afraid of losing her. That she still wanted our life together.  Then she left me- and has done so many mean things to me since that I really don't understand why. It hurts me everyday to not know why I cant still have that chance.  Why the shortcomings I had aren't worth forgiving and the good things we had aren't remembered.  Why Im only seen as a problem and not seen for any of the support and strength I gave her.  I guess it would also just mean so much for her to acknowledge that her internalizing all of this for so long affected her overall attitude, anxiety and stress- and also contributed to the dynamic between us.
Sometimes I wonder if she thinks I may just be saying Im ok with things but Im not.  I was a really sexual person,and it did cause some strife early on in our relationship—again--- I didn't know that any of this was probably underneath it all .  Looking back I can see why a lot of things happened and I wish I had known but I didn't.  Ive always been a pretty hetero girl- but I also have always been turned on by women when I watch porn and there are some girls I def think are hot.  Ive had so much time to think about if I would be sexually attracted to her and I know I would be/am- but I haven't even gotten a chance to explore any  of that.  I almost like don't even want to look at guys now because I just miss the person I loved- the things I loved about her weren't really the masculine things but more of the feminine things- how open she used to be with her emotions and her love and the conversations/things we loved to do together.  I wouldn't be giving anything up by being with her- she is the person I want, regardless of gender.
In many cases, I think partners would run away when faced with something like this.  Since the start, even if I was sad (because things happened so fast) Ive never wanted to go away and still don't.  I struggle everyday not to contact her, because I miss her more than anything.  If anything, I love and respect her even more than I did before, because I think coming out as trans and living your life as who you truly know you are is such a courageous and beautiful thing.  I  wish I could be in her life in some capacity- I am completely shut out from her.  I want to spend time with her and help her and go do all the girly stuff with her that she has been waiting so long to do.  I wanted to help her with all the maekup I got her, paint our nails, go to the beach- and just do all the fun stuff  we did that didn't really matter if she was a guy or a girl. Just be together and be happy.  I wish I could be a source of support in her journey because when you love someone you want to help them reach their dreams.  I think the person you spend the rest of your life with should be your best friend- and she was mine. 
I don't know when the pain will ever  vanish.  Not having any sort of answers or communication definitely isn't going to make my love disappear. T  It kills me that even though I was the first person to accept her who she said gave her the strength to do this-  that now Im not even worth knowing at all in any capacity to her. Why do other people who weren't the person she said was her future spouse get to be in her life? Ive never been so sure that someone was the person I was meant to spend my life with- and I thought she felt the same. I don't even know if she read the  giant letter I  gave her, which told her all of this and more. After the dust settled, For some reason  me  even sending her a couple texts telling her I wanted to support her was too much, and she cant face me in any capacity for some reason- that which I still do not know.  I don't know if cant change her and make her come back. I only want another chance now that so much of her own struggle is gone and her anxiety/anger at herself is lifted.  And if not I wish it was worth an  explanation as to why our love doesn't deserve that after how much Ive stuck by her side.
I wonder sometimes if she ever thinks of me.  Thank yall to whover read this- it's the weekend which is always hardest for me and when I miss her the most.  All I can do is keep hoping she will remember me.

This makes me so sad to read all of this, ots all so bitter sweet, I hope she somehow gets to read all this! :'(
I hate that cutting people of bull, now how can you ever fix it? I can't see how, she just has to randomly see these posts
I hope! <3

mmm

I don't really share the same opinion as a lot of the girls here about how hard it is for SOs. Maybe my bias comes from my own exSO being super abusive after I came out to her when I was 20.

However, we are drawn to people for a multitude of reasons. I firmly believe that some SOs are looking for the feminine in the man they choose to be with, or the masculine in the woman they choose to be with. Not all feminine men and masculine women are trans, but SOs of trans people tend to intentionally seek people out that are more likely to be trans.

If sexuality wasn't such a conflated hot topic, people could stay and not flip about what it means to date the person they love. Our trans-ness has nothing to do with your sexuality, or you in general. Your feelings and the things that made you fall for your possibly ex SO, are yours.

That being said, I highly doubt your SO would just take off without looking back. I think it's more likely that she just needs space. It's hard to be near or around somebody that is mourning their idea of you while you're having an identity crisis. I get that you miss her and want to be there for her, but she needs to want it too, otherwise your kind helpfulness is more for your sake than hers.

While I know this won't make you feel better, this is all about her. It may seem selfish, but it's not healthy to be self sacrificing all the time. She used to sacrifice her sense of self every day that she stayed in the closet, in fear of rejection and of hurting he people that matter to her. Now that she stopped doing that, it doesn't make sense for you to pick up her flagellating whip and take over.

If you want your SO back in your life:
Be happy, have fun, do interesting things, let her go for now. If she reaches out to you, don't become a pile of tears and guilt, start over as friends. You need to get to know the real her, not the mask she wore for such a long time. If you let yourself be the embodiment of spurned obligation, I wouldn't be able to deal with you either if I was in your SOs shoes.

I spent about a year being agoraphobic, after I began my transition. Transitioning is terrifying, and I needed time to figure out who I am and wanted to be. I was only able to ask for help once I was ready.

Lastly, try dating women in the meantime. Find out if you can do it, or if you like doing it at all. It may be hard or easy, who knows? Find a new hobby, or sport to distract you with fun. You can be proactive in making yourself an even more desirable person to be with.

I really hope this doesn't come across as harsh or mean, I don't intend it. I don't like seeing anyone hurt or moping. I'm just worried that you're a little too wrapped up in all this and you'll miss out on other good opportunities. Dan Savage says "closure is a gift you give yourself." Some day soon, I hope you'll find that present to unwrap.


     Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Quote from: Obfuskatie on June 10, 2016, 10:23:54 PM
I don't really share the same opinion as a lot of the girls here about how hard it is for SOs. Maybe my bias comes from my own exSO being super abusive after I came out to her when I was 20.

However, we are drawn to people for a multitude of reasons. I firmly believe that some SOs are looking for the feminine in the man they choose to be with, or the masculine in the woman they choose to be with. Not all feminine men and masculine women are trans, but SOs of trans people tend to intentionally seek people out that are more likely to be trans.

If sexuality wasn't such a conflated hot topic, people could stay and not flip about what it means to date the person they love. Our trans-ness has nothing to do with your sexuality, or you in general. Your feelings and the things that made you fall for your possibly ex SO, are yours.

That being said, I highly doubt your SO would just take off without looking back. I think it's more likely that she just needs space. It's hard to be near or around somebody that is mourning their idea of you while you're having an identity crisis. I get that you miss her and want to be there for her, but she needs to want it too, otherwise your kind helpfulness is more for your sake than hers.

While I know this won't make you feel better, this is all about her. It may seem selfish, but it's not healthy to be self sacrificing all the time. She used to sacrifice her sense of self every day that she stayed in the closet, in fear of rejection and of hurting he people that matter to her. Now that she stopped doing that, it doesn't make sense for you to pick up her flagellating whip and take over.

If you want your SO back in your life:
Be happy, have fun, do interesting things, let her go for now. If she reaches out to you, don't become a pile of tears and guilt, start over as friends. You need to get to know the real her, not the mask she wore for such a long time. If you let yourself be the embodiment of spurned obligation, I wouldn't be able to deal with you either if I was in your SOs shoes.

I spent about a year being agoraphobic, after I began my transition. Transitioning is terrifying, and I needed time to figure out who I am and wanted to be. I was only able to ask for help once I was ready.

Lastly, try dating women in the meantime. Find out if you can do it, or if you like doing it at all. It may be hard or easy, who knows? Find a new hobby, or sport to distract you with fun. You can be proactive in making yourself an even more desirable person to be with.

I really hope this doesn't come across as harsh or mean, I don't intend it. I don't like seeing anyone hurt or moping. I'm just worried that you're a little too wrapped up in all this and you'll miss out on other good opportunities. Dan Savage says "closure is a gift you give yourself." Some day soon, I hope you'll find that present to unwrap.


     Hugs,
- Katie
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Katie-
I know that her transition is about her- not me.  It was hard to be around me at that time. I don't know if you've read my other posts on here- but I was given little to NO time to be sad at all/have emotions about this.  My SO didn't slowly come out- and has done things very quickly.  Now I am in a place where I don't feel like Im mourning the "man" I had.  I am sad over losing the person that is no longer in my life- aside from gender.  The person I had always pictured my future with and who was so sure about building a life with me. If I got to be in her life again I wouldn't be sad- I would be ecstatic. I would be excited to spend time with her and wouldn't be mourning at all. I want to just have fun with her again and support her.  But I haven't even gotten the chance. 
I fully acknowledge that she used to sacrifice herself everyday- what I wish is that I had known that any of those feelings were there. But I didn't. I wish she would acknowledge that her holding those feelings in affected our relationship- but instead I have been the blame of everything. At the same time I don't think that you say the things we said and promised to each other and then just give up on someone.
I want to know the real her- and in many ways I feel like I already did and do.  She's already  let all of these other people into her new life- so she's obviously ok sharing this with lots of other people.  But for whatever reason she wont let me be a part of her life in any capacity.  It kills me that as the person who she used to say was everything to her- and as the first person to accept her for all that she wants to be, that now I am not even worthy of being in her life.
I just wish I could understand why she has to pretend I am dead- Ive never even gotten to have a real conversation with her that wasn't angry or limited. I am left with so much I don't understand. Maybe it is just me that she doesn't want, aside from the transition.  In that case I don't know why she told me she loved me the last time we spoke.  Its hard for me to feel like I am the fault based on my actions in a relationship – when I didn't even know about what was going on in her head and heart.  I wish I understood why all these other people are able to be in her life, but Im not- after how close we were. Why she cant even speak to me or acknowledge I exist.  I never did anything mean/said anything mean to her or did anything so terrible to warrant something like that. It's a really confusing feeling. But I don't know – maybe it is just me she doesn't like anymore.
I do still go about my daily life/take care of me.  Im one year away from becoming a doctor- its not like I can just give up on things.  But inside there is always that feeling like a piece of me is missing.  Theres no way Im dating someone else right now- if ever to be honest with you.

Quote from: gnb984 on June 11, 2016, 10:34:06 AM
Katie-
I know that her transition is about her- not me.  It was hard to be around me at that time. I don't know if you've read my other posts on here- but I was given little to NO time to be sad at all/have emotions about this.  My SO didn't slowly come out- and has done things very quickly.  Now I am in a place where I don't feel like Im mourning the "man" I had.  I am sad over losing the person that is no longer in my life- aside from gender.  The person I had always pictured my future with and who was so sure about building a life with me. If I got to be in her life again I wouldn't be sad- I would be ecstatic. I would be excited to spend time with her and wouldn't be mourning at all. I want to just have fun with her again and support her.  But I haven't even gotten the chance. 
I fully acknowledge that she used to sacrifice herself everyday- what I wish is that I had known that any of those feelings were there. But I didn't. I wish she would acknowledge that her holding those feelings in affected our relationship- but instead I have been the blame of everything. At the same time I don't think that you say the things we said and promised to each other and then just give up on someone.
I want to know the real her- and in many ways I feel like I already did and do.  She's already  let all of these other people into her new life- so she's obviously ok sharing this with lots of other people.  But for whatever reason she wont let me be a part of her life in any capacity.  It kills me that as the person who she used to say was everything to her- and as the first person to accept her for all that she wants to be, that now I am not even worthy of being in her life.
I just wish I could understand why she has to pretend I am dead- Ive never even gotten to have a real conversation with her that wasn't angry or limited. I am left with so much I don't understand. Maybe it is just me that she doesn't want, aside from the transition.  In that case I don't know why she told me she loved me the last time we spoke.  Its hard for me to feel like I am the fault based on my actions in a relationship – when I didn't even know about what was going on in her head and heart.  I wish I understood why all these other people are able to be in her life, but Im not- after how close we were. Why she cant even speak to me or acknowledge I exist.  I never did anything mean/said anything mean to her or did anything so terrible to warrant something like that. It's a really confusing feeling. But I don't know – maybe it is just me she doesn't like anymore.
I do still go about my daily life/take care of me.  Im one year away from becoming a doctor- its not like I can just give up on things.  But inside there is always that feeling like a piece of me is missing.  Theres no way Im dating someone else right now- if ever to be honest with you.

I think I may have seen your posts off and on, I don't really go through that section of the forum much though. I apologize for not reading through the entire story, I referred just to this thread in case I was mixing you up with another person because I'm bad with names/screennames without faces.


Fault and blame doesn't have anything to do with it. Yes promises were made and broken, but that happens in all relationships given enough time. When I say this isn't about you, I mean both her trans-ness and her stepping away from your relationship. The time frame is hard to deal with, especially for SOs, although she is most likely trying to make up for lost time.

My main question is: how long has it been? When I came out to people, I planned to give them a year or two to adjust and switch pronouns and names and stuff. Although my family still use my old name, which can also be read as my first and middle initials, KC, which I did intentionally since my mom said she would have named me that way had I been female bodied at birth. I honestly think you need to give it time, either she'll come back, or you'll move on eventually.

Whether you like it or not, you represent a piece of her past. New people don't know her before her transition, and she won't have to second guess herself the same way with new people the way she would out of habit with you. It isn't about how much she does or doesn't care about you if she's trying to run away from her past. She may also simply be working on fully realizing herself before she can face you.

Nevertheless, I still think you're too invested in all of this. Remember that you're a person who is worthy of being loved, smart and determined enough to become a doctor. There's nothing wrong with you, and not that getting mad about it will help, but what she did to you is a jerk move.

If you still feel you have to talk to her and work things out, write her a letter, then burn that letter and write a second one that's more reserved, and email it to her. Give her a timeframe to respond, otherwise you will be taking it as her signal to move on. And then don't expect to resolve this relationship even if she does respond. Only 44-ish percent of couples make it through a transition. There are plenty more people for you to choose from that will be better able to communicate and love you in a way that makes you happy.

Have you ever considered that she might be self-sacrificing by not forcing you to have to be with her as a trans woman? Every group has its jerks and self-proclaimed martyrs.


     Hugs,
- Katie
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Quote from: Obfuskatie on June 11, 2016, 11:08:40 AM
I think I may have seen your posts off and on, I don't really go through that section of the forum much though. I apologize for not reading through the entire story, I referred just to this thread in case I was mixing you up with another person because I'm bad with names/screennames without faces.


Fault and blame doesn't have anything to do with it. Yes promises were made and broken, but that happens in all relationships given enough time. When I say this isn't about you, I mean both her trans-ness and her stepping away from your relationship. The time frame is hard to deal with, especially for SOs, although she is most likely trying to make up for lost time.

My main question is: how long has it been? When I came out to people, I planned to give them a year or two to adjust and switch pronouns and names and stuff. Although my family still use my old name, which can also be read as my first and middle initials, KC, which I did intentionally since my mom said she would have named me that way had I been female bodied at birth. I honestly think you need to give it time, either she'll come back, or you'll move on eventually.

Whether you like it or not, you represent a piece of her past. New people don't know her before her transition, and she won't have to second guess herself the same way with new people the way she would out of habit with you. It isn't about how much she does or doesn't care about you if she's trying to run away from her past. She may also simply be working on fully realizing herself before she can face you.

Nevertheless, I still think you're too invested in all of this. Remember that you're a person who is worthy of being loved, smart and determined enough to become a doctor. There's nothing wrong with you, and not that getting mad about it will help, but what she did to you is a jerk move.

If you still feel you have to talk to her and work things out, write her a letter, then burn that letter and write a second one that's more reserved, and email it to her. Give her a timeframe to respond, otherwise you will be taking it as her signal to move on. And then don't expect to resolve this relationship even if she does respond. Only 44-ish percent of couples make it through a transition. There are plenty more people for you to choose from that will be better able to communicate and love you in a way that makes you happy.

Have you ever considered that she might be self-sacrificing by not forcing you to have to be with her as a trans woman? Every group has its jerks and self-proclaimed martyrs.


     Hugs,
- Katie
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From start of her saying she might want to transition or do this part time to her wanting to completely transition- 12 days to 2 weeks.  During that time, yes, I was sad some of the time, but I also was the first person to put makeup on her, and tried to help teach her about it- Gave her so much of my clothes and shoes-- and then on her birthday also gave her every possible makeup item i could think of needing/wanting and brushes and a mirror and then all this the girl stuff. I had some sadness and lots of questions- but I was maybe given a day or 2 of that before she had enough of me. Its not about the items- its about the fact that even if I was sad, I tried so hard to show her so much support and love.

That was all in late April. I really had no idea that she had felt this way- there were a few things she would do- I knew she wanted breasts but I thought it was more of a comfort thing/ she wasn't interested in anything girly.  It never bothered me and she said i was the only person that had accepted it/her.. and in a kinda messed up way I guess I helped her realize she wanted to transition- as she has even said.

Feeling like I am just a bad memory from the past is definitely something I think a lot about.  Especially if she wants to forget about her old self- I was a huge part of that old self.  I think what I don't understand is why when I want to love her now as HER not HIM that she still views me as that.  That she could say I was the person by her side that gave her the strength and now she can't even acknowledge my existence. The last time I actually saw  her in person  few weeks ago after a court issue surrounding when we broke up- she told me she loved me more than once.  I don't understand if she loves me why she would be doing things this way- still. It hurts a lot to feel like I'm the one that can't be accepted because I was a part of her past- when I am completely accepting of her.

Meanwhile, she has let many people from her past into her new life. She hasn't shut everyone out like she has done to me. Its sad because I just want to talk to and spend time with her. I really would be like the happiest person ever just to have that again.  I just want to start over. I guess I don't understand why I am not worth that opportunity, after I didn't abandon her for any of this.

I did write her a letter- I worked for a really long time on it. I gave it to her the last time I saw her.  It goes through everything really clearly, and apologizes of my mistakes and tells her how much I had thought about our future and still wanted all of that with her.  She's never even told me if she has read it.  Ive barely tried to talk to her since- last night I text her that I still missed her and loved her and wanted to support her.  Its hard for me this weekend knowing that its the giant trans health conference and I wish I could have gone with her.

Im sorry for all my moping- I think its because I just have no understanding of why things are this way. 

Quote from: gnb984 on June 11, 2016, 11:33:02 AM
From start of her saying she might want to transition or do this part time to her wanting to completely transition- 12 days to 2 weeks.  During that time, yes, I was sad some of the time, but I also was the first person to put makeup on her, and tried to help teach her about it- Gave her so much of my clothes and shoes-- and then on her birthday also gave her every possible makeup item i could think of needing/wanting and brushes and a mirror and then all this the girl stuff. I had some sadness and lots of questions- but I was maybe given a day or 2 of that before she had enough of me. Its not about the items- its about the fact that even if I was sad, I tried so hard to show her so much support and love.

That was all in late April. I really had no idea that she had felt this way- there were a few things she would do- I knew she wanted breasts but I thought it was more of a comfort thing/ she wasn't interested in anything girly.  It never bothered me and she said i was the only person that had accepted it/her.. and in a kinda messed up way I guess I helped her realize she wanted to transition- as she has even said.

Feeling like I am just a bad memory from the past is definitely something I think a lot about.  Especially if she wants to forget about her old self- I was a huge part of that old self.  I think what I don't understand is why when I want to love her now as HER not HIM that she still views me as that.  That she could say I was the person by her side that gave her the strength and now she can't even acknowledge my existence. The last time I actually saw  her in person  few weeks ago after a court issue surrounding when we broke up- she told me she loved me more than once.  I don't understand if she loves me why she would be doing things this way- still. It hurts a lot to feel like I'm the one that can't be accepted because I was a part of her past- when I am completely accepting of her.

Meanwhile, she has let many people from her past into her new life. She hasn't shut everyone out like she has done to me. Its sad because I just want to talk to and spend time with her. I really would be like the happiest person ever just to have that again.  I just want to start over. I guess I don't understand why I am not worth that opportunity, after I didn't abandon her for any of this.

I did write her a letter- I worked for a really long time on it. I gave it to her the last time I saw her.  It goes through everything really clearly, and apologizes of my mistakes and tells her how much I had thought about our future and still wanted all of that with her.  She's never even told me if she has read it.  Ive barely tried to talk to her since- last night I text her that I still missed her and loved her and wanted to support her.  Its hard for me this weekend knowing that its the giant trans health conference and I wish I could have gone with her.

Im sorry for all my moping- I think its because I just have no understanding of why things are this way.

First, stop apologizing. None of this is your fault. I like to say everyone is to blame and no one is to blame, because it's pointless to attempt to assign it or second guess any mistakes either of you may have made. Things happen, and they don't always have an understandable reason. Would it really make you feel better to know exactly why she broke up with you? You're assuming there's a good reason that makes sense, when there probably isn't.

Those new people in her life aren't as risky, nor are the people she wasn't intimate with. You're risky because of all the feelings attached. And trust me, you're not missing much when It comes to the beginning of transition. Most of us go through a few periods where we are a hot mess of emotions and neurosis, once we get used to hormone replacement a lot of us stabilize.

You are worth that opportunity, but she may not be ready. She might not ever be ready. She might not be right for you, just as much as you might not be right for her. Relationships aren't a one way street. If any of your understandable  struggle with her coming out and the breakneck pace for transition rubbed he the wrong way, she's just as at fault for having such thin skin and not being patient with you while demanding you be patient with her. It isn't fair to turn someone's life and expectations upside down and then abandon them while their trying to make the best of it. But life isn't fair.

Stop trying to contact her for now, y'all broke up so you need to give her space. Delete her number from your phone so you won't be able to drunk-text. If she's going to reach out to you, let her make the move. Give her a year to reach out to you, and move on if she doesn't.

Things are this way because she made a lot of choices without consulting you. She does need to take charge of her transition and not burden everyone with the details, but keeping those who are important to you in the loop is usually a good idea.


     Hugs,
- Katie
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I guess I assume there's a good reason- but you're right, maybe there's not. It's hard for me to think of moving past something if I still don't really understand why things happened the way they did.  Ive never understood why she has been so extreme about all of this- and why she can't be compassionate enough to me to really talk to me about it or care about how much I am hurt by her acting as if I am dead. I wish I had a chance to show her that Im not sad about her transition, Im sad about not having her in my life.  I wish I had a chance to show her I am excited for her.

For me, I  know even when she had decided to transition, she said she didn't want to lose me and I didn't have to ever worry about losing her love- then she left me. It's hard for me to understand why she would act this way after how serious we were about each other.  I don't think either of us took the things we said to each other lightly about spending the rest of our lives together. That doesn't mean it always works out or people don't break up- but I think I deserve to know why I wasn't worth it to her to even communicate with. I also wish she would tell me why what we had isn't worth a chance after how much I have stayed by her side. Maybe whatever it is is hard for her to say, but the whole situation and how everything has happened has left me feeling so lost.  When I say "I'm not worth" i mean not worth it to her. I know I am worth being loved and cared about- its not about my self esteem. I think it's been really hard for me though, to experience the person that made me feel more loved and accepted for who I was than anyone ever has- to turn into the way she has treated me now.

In so many ways I feel like we would be happier now that she is living as who she really wants to be. But I acknowledge that  I can't make her want to be with me or force her to. I want to understand why she can't just talk to me and tell me why she has treated me this way- and why I can't be in her life at all.  I wish that all I did to love and support her was at least worth an explanation.  At this point I don't even know if she read/heard all I really wanted to say to her in my letter I wrote.. Its hard to move on , if I have to, without any real peace or knowledge of so many things. 

  Many SO's get a bad reputation - even though everyone has to do what makes them happy.It breaks my heart that so many transwomen have told me that their SO's left them or threatened to leave them when they transitioned and that they wished they had had a partner that was supportive of them like me.  Even though this is nice, I wish my ex would feel this way as well.  I guess its hard for me to see why they took all my help and love and then ditched me like I was a terrible person, for my insecurities and mistakes- at a time when they would probably be at their worst- I guess I was always the type of person that wants to treat others like I would want to be treated. I didn't want to give up on her and I thought she wouldn't give up on me. I miss her everyday and wish she would speak to me in some capacity. 

Hey yall- I haven't posted back in a while.

I broke down lately and tried to text her again- just telling her how much I wanted to be in her life in some capacity and support her. That I still loved her and missed her. She never responded. It seems like I am dead to her. Its almost like I never existed.  It is the most pain I have ever felt.

I wish I had a chance to show her how much I want to support her and how much I have learned about myself, our relationship, and what she has and is probably experiencing as a transwoman, but I can't.  In a weird way, when I see or hear about those of y'all that have stayed together, or read about others that have, even couples that have kids- it makes me sad because that's what I want with her- but  its almost like she doesn't even acknowledge I exist anymore.

I just was re-reading through some of your responses on here- and I really appreciate all your help and support.  I still miss my SO every single day. Sometimes I feel ok for a little while- but so many things remind me of her. I cry almost everyday because I have so many questions I have no answers for- I have no understanding about why she has chosen to treat me like she has.  I think its hard for me to be "mad" at her despite how horrible she has treated me in all of this because I am at the same time empathetic to what she must be going through-  because I love her so much. I guess I just wish she wouldn't treat me like I am not even alive- that even if she views me as such a negative now that she could at least explain things to me more, or be honest about everything. I feel so bad about whatever pain I have caused her and have tried to apologize. Its just very hard for me.

Anyway- guess this was just a rant/ emotional throw up lol... but I just want everyone on here to know that you are all beautiful.  As a cis woman, I have learned so much from all of you.I have come to view all of you as just as much women as me. You are all beautiful and I really appreciate your support and kindness. 

If any of y'all pray- maybe you could pray for me too.  I know I do- everyday, for her to know how much I still love her and that I am still here for her.. :-/

britt

Hey again Britt,

I just wanted to check in with you and see how you're holding up. Whether you're in the process of moving on, or still a bit stuck. Or even if everything turned out well, and is resolved.

One of the things Dan Savage says often that has stuck with me is that "closure is a present you give yourself." It sounds like a fortune cookie aphorism, but it's more true than you might think. I'm hoping you found a way to let things go and not dwell on the reasons and underlying machinations of your SO. A month isn't really a lot of time, so I don't expect it all to be over and done with, but it might not be quite as raw now as it was earlier.

Anyway, I'm just hoping you're alright :)


     Hugs,
- Katie
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