Susan's Place Transgender Resources

(Please move if posted in wrong area, didn't know where to put this...)

I know it's long away, but I'm starting college in September, and wanted to go as a boy. I've talked to the doctor who is setting up my referral to a gender clinic, and they're fine with it.

Of course, they can't speak for the college, so we don't actually know what can or cannot happen. But we're hoping they will let me go as Ozzy, a he. And to be treated like a boy as much as possible. I've already been told to not expect the use of the male bathroom, which is fine, I avoid public bathrooms anyway. We'll have to find out soon if it's all possible, as they have transition days near the end of this month.

But there are problems. Like my voice. It's high pitched and I don't know how to control that. I have no idea how I can change that. The way I act, I'm naturally a little femmine and drawing out my feminine behavior is showing to be harder than I thought.
The thing that's worrying me, is that I'm not on T. And the doctor I saw today said that blockers seem useless at my age and how far into puberty I am. I'm going to college, and I look like a young boy who hasn't reached puberty yet. AS I HAVENT. I've not had my correct puberty yet!

And then, there's people who already know me... I want to go stealth, but there's no way. I want to just live as a boy, but I don't actually know how to act like a teenage boy. What can I do to prepare myself? Is there any possibility of me going, or trying stealth? It feels like everyone's gonna just know, or find out from others there who know me. How do boys act? The boys over here just talk in that annoying chavy London speak and try to act hard. I'm not lowering myself to that. (Sorry if I offend any chavy Londoners.)

You can't change how people see you. You can change how you feel about their perception of you. Learn that, and life will be smooth sailing.  :)

Hugs, Devlyn

honestly, college is so much more different then high school. you will see SO many different kinds of people. there will be people who look like they're younger. there were people in my class who looked younger and some even had braces still and one guy in my class was 17! don't worry too much about looking younger. hell, don't even worry too much about being "different" with a high voice, etc. as a guy because you'd be surprised.

as for the bathrooms, i highly doubt you'll end up not using one at school. the reason? the schedules are so much more different. during one semester i would have classes in the morning, have a 4 HOUR break then have another class that was 3 hours long after the break. my suggestion? see the colleges policies on LGBT things (contact them, they will also direct you to someone who could help you, you don't need to tell them your name), or contact the LGBT groups at the college. you might not want to "out" yourself, but they definitely should be discreet about it. they will definitely help you figure out who to talk to about it.

also maybe email your professors that you prefer a certain name because of the attendance, which they do take. they might not take attendance depending on how big the class is (my class of 30 attendance was taken, my class of 80+ the teacher would just pass it around).

i can just tell you that when i went to an adult school to get my high school credits, i wasn't on T or had surgery yet, or even my name changed. i talked to the guidance counselor and she put the right name on the attendances, etc. i had no issues using the washrooms, etc. the best thing you can do is ask. i passed no problems (i was stealth 100%) because i had a masculine chosen (now legal) name, looked masculine even though i had a big chest and had to wear a binder and wasn't on T. i wore sweaters in the summer because of my chest but no one said anything because i saw others doing it too. i think we overthink these situations because we don't wanna "out" ourselves or think people are accommodating and we are worried about violence or discrimination, but you'd honestly be surprised. it's also much easier for someone who is a trans man to pass and go stealth and not get hassled as much.

just try not to worry about what others think of you. plenty of cis guys look young (the chronic baby face is strong in my family) and don't worry how all the other guys act. you don't need to act like them to pass. maybe being a little more feminine can draw attention to you, but honestly, the worst someone would think is you're gay (Trans usually isn't the first thing people jump to). but as i said..college, lots of different people..lots of out and proud LGBT people. college is when you "find" yourself, so people are definitely one of a kind.

Also, just know that I used to use the men's bathroom back before transition while wearing a miniskirt, makeup, and having long hair.  Why?  Cause the women's stalls were full and I didn't want to wait.  Not one time did anyone hassle me.  So you could probably use the guy's restroom and have no real issues.  I think people having bigger issues right now are trans women who use the women's restroom.  Some trans guys get hassled, but generally men don't care who is in their restrooms.  Or do more than glance at you, really.

And if someone does stop you and peg you for female, if you don't wanna start anything you can always just say "lady's room stalls were full and I really got to go."  That would probably be the end of it.

You may need to get your records in order but other than that, I can't see why you can't do what you want to do. Just do it. Enjoy school and try to put this anxiety behind you. People will think what they will. What's important is what you think about yourself.

None of us wants to wear a sign. We all get it. So don't. Have fun.

Quote from: FtMitch on June 09, 2016, 02:19:58 PM
Also, just know that I used to use the men's bathroom back before transition while wearing a miniskirt, makeup, and having long hair.  Why?  Cause the women's stalls were full and I didn't want to wait.  Not one time did anyone hassle me.  So you could probably use the guy's restroom and have no real issues.  I think people having bigger issues right now are trans women who use the women's restroom.  Some trans guys get hassled, but generally men don't care who is in their restrooms.  Or do more than glance at you, really.

And if someone does stop you and peg you for female, if you don't wanna start anything you can always just say "lady's room stalls were full and I really got to go."  That would probably be the end of it.

It's up to the college if I can use the male restroom, but even if they say no... I think I will. They can't really tell me off for taking a piss. I keep being told I can't do this and that until I have "the surgery" but their are no laws to back that up here.

I'm not worried about harassment or stuff starting. If anyone finds out that I'm transsexual, I'll just say I'm a guy, so I'm gonna use the guys bathroom... if anyone from my previous schools says stuff, I guess I'll just have to be open... That I am transsexual. So what. I'll only do that if people from my previous school decide to start saying things and it becomes too much...

I started T the same month I started college. My first semester I still got a confused mix of she's and he's , but no one really gave two ->-bleeped-<-s in any of my classes. I used the female bathrooms for about a month and have used mens ever since. I always email my instructors telling them to refer to me by my preferred name etc and have had zero problems. I'm gonna be two years on T when the next semester of school starts again in August and am completely stealth at this point.

You need to remember you ARE a boy. There's no need for this 'how do boys act' etc etc, you are one and you shouldn't worry about that. Act how you usually would. I understand being brought up socially as female could give you more feminine characteristics which you're probably dysphoric/self conscious about that you'd like to get over but that is different for everyone, a lot of cismen are brought up by in female-only households and gain the same thing. There are feminine and masculine cismen, regardless of sexuality. One cisguy I know constantly gets misgendered even though he's cis because he's just so short and feminine (and he's straight).

However, sadly that's not how society works and when you're borderline passing I understand your want to pass and be as masculine as possible. I'm glad you're not going to lower yourself to the way some teenage boys speak, I did that for awhile and felt like an idiot lol.

I don't know what you do that would make you come off as female but one thing I have been doing is avoiding laughing too much because until my voice drops, my laugh is a dead give-away as it's high pitched (moreso than your voice) and many females are too. Depending on your body type you'll want to try wear clothes that don't draw attention to your hips. Overshirts and jackets are good at covering hips. Though I've seen a lot of pre-T transmen who just have naturally slim hips so I don't know if this applies to you.

If you're JUST coming out, pre-T and there will be people there who knew you previously sadly you most likely won't be stealth to everybody you meet. I waited a year to start university so I could spend a year coming out to most people I know, going on T and starting to pass. Also so I wouldn't run into too many people from high school as they'll be the year above. Not sure if  this is an option for you but I thought it was well worth putting it off a year so I can go to uni with all my legal papers changed, a deep voice and generally more comfortable/confident.

Quote from: invisiblemonsters on June 09, 2016, 12:44:17 PM
honestly, college is so much more different then high school. you will see SO many different kinds of people. there will be people who look like they're younger. there were people in my class who looked younger and some even had braces still and one guy in my class was 17! don't worry too much about looking younger. hell, don't even worry too much about being "different" with a high voice, etc. as a guy because you'd be surprised.

as for the bathrooms, i highly doubt you'll end up not using one at school. the reason? the schedules are so much more different. during one semester i would have classes in the morning, have a 4 HOUR break then have another class that was 3 hours long after the break. my suggestion? see the colleges policies on LGBT things (contact them, they will also direct you to someone who could help you, you don't need to tell them your name), or contact the LGBT groups at the college. you might not want to "out" yourself, but they definitely should be discreet about it. they will definitely help you figure out who to talk to about it.

also maybe email your professors that you prefer a certain name because of the attendance, which they do take. they might not take attendance depending on how big the class is (my class of 30 attendance was taken, my class of 80+ the teacher would just pass it around).

i can just tell you that when i went to an adult school to get my high school credits, i wasn't on T or had surgery yet, or even my name changed. i talked to the guidance counselor and she put the right name on the attendances, etc. i had no issues using the washrooms, etc. the best thing you can do is ask. i passed no problems (i was stealth 100%) because i had a masculine chosen (now legal) name, looked masculine even though i had a big chest and had to wear a binder and wasn't on T. i wore sweaters in the summer because of my chest but no one said anything because i saw others doing it too. i think we overthink these situations because we don't wanna "out" ourselves or think people are accommodating and we are worried about violence or discrimination, but you'd honestly be surprised. it's also much easier for someone who is a trans man to pass and go stealth and not get hassled as much.

just try not to worry about what others think of you. plenty of cis guys look young (the chronic baby face is strong in my family) and don't worry how all the other guys act. you don't need to act like them to pass. maybe being a little more feminine can draw attention to you, but honestly, the worst someone would think is you're gay (Trans usually isn't the first thing people jump to). but as i said..college, lots of different people..lots of out and proud LGBT people. college is when you "find" yourself, so people are definitely one of a kind.

Firstly, I'm sorry for replying so late. It was getting quite late in the night when I first read your reply. Secondly... Thank you so much for this. It has put my mind at ease. What you wrote also made me remember a boy from my previous secondary school, he had an even higher pitched voice than I do. His was squeaky. The use for bathrooms isn't really up to me, but the college. I'm not scared to use the men's restrooms, just... I don't know... I don't want to cause unnecessary trouble... If I can hold it in. Camhs are sorting out my transition, so it's something we'll do together. Either my Camhs worker will contact the college for me and sort that all out, or he'll tell me what I need to do. We're working together nicely. I tell them what I need/want, they do it for me, or tell me how to get around it properly. The same goes for teachers. I'm only in a small course with a total of possibly 21 people. Something small like that. It's not a proper course... How embarrassing. I've been off school since like Easter, so...

I'm in a small area, and it's one thing f the only colleges here. So although new faces, there will be old. Hopefully they won't recognize me. My Camhs worker didn't recognize me after my haircut. He first thought I didn't turn up, until he took a few more looks at me in the waiting room... I'd rather not make myself known to the "out and proud!" People... Just... Blend in, like any other boy. If I ever do make my ... Queerness(?) Known, I'd probably just come out as a homosexual boy. Keep it as that...

Quote from: Moneyless on June 09, 2016, 11:14:42 PM
If you're JUST coming out, pre-T and there will be people there who knew you previously sadly you most likely won't be stealth to everybody you meet. I waited a year to start university so I could spend a year coming out to most people I know, going on T and starting to pass. Also so I wouldn't run into too many people from high school as they'll be the year above. Not sure if  this is an option for you but I thought it was well worth putting it off a year so I can go to uni with all my legal papers changed, a deep voice and generally more comfortable/confident.

I've been out since 14, but I didnt make a big deal of it of anything. I haven't actually came out to *everyone* either... My family are just finding out as their telling each other. When it comes to school, I think some people knew and others didn't.

Waiting a year sounds like a good option, but it really isn't practical for me :( starting now gets it out of the way, and it means I can re sit my exams... Which I'm in need of. If you don't go to college over here within the first year of you leaving school, then you have to pay extra to go and re set exams... I have other options, but I'm not so sure if I'd go with any of them.

I do need to remind myself that I am a boy, thank you. I should just act like myself... The voice is a big give away, but I don't talk much... I think I'll do some work with my voice, and trying to keep it more monotone... When I'm happy or anxious it goes super high pitched and ugh. I used to be able to keep it level... So it won't be too much work. I think I'll avoid laughing too much as well. My laugh is not good. :(

Thank you for the passing tips, I'll use them. I've only passed once so far, and confused a group of young children.

At the university where I work - and where I went to school incidentally, before I started to transition - the official policy is towards acceptance and accommodation. Professors will address students by their preferred name and pronouns upon being informed, and bullying is not tolerated. It will probably be the same at your school. Just go, be yourself, and do your thing. I'd forget about being 'stealth' - certainly if there are people who may recognise you - but there is no rule saying that you have to explain doodley squat to anyone if you don't want to. You don't have to be 'out and proud' if you don't want to. And no one has the right to demand explanations or that you advertise yourself as trans.

If the administration says you can't use the boys room, I would personally ignore that. If there is no law or official university policy, then they can hardly make demands on that front. Moreover, it would be difficult to enforce. You're a guy, and even if some of your peers suspect/know otherwise, they're unlikely to turn you in for using the bathroom. Contacting any campus lgbt groups about this would probably be a good idea. They may have more accurate information for you than what you may have gotten from a low level administrator speaking above their purview and without guidelines - we've had that problem here. Prior to the creation of actual policies on these issues, people just made up rules on the spot when they had no business doing so.