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How did you who have transitioned or decided to every get past the fears of all the obsricles you knew you would face.. It just seems like I will never get the courage to do what I truly want.. I mean I think about my kids.. And breaking my parents heart and disappointing them..then there is the fact of losing employment or finding the right job that will except me if I do Lose my job.. That's a huge fear being that my family financially depends on me.. I have fears of bringing chaos to my family and turning us into outcast how can I do that to them knowing that we have a good life and a SD socially excepted right now.. I think about my kids being in school and not being able to talk about how cool and strong there dad is and having to explain that there dad is now a woman.. Would it be to selfish for me to transition my kids don't deserve to have to deal with that.. I mean I'm not at the point that I have to transition but its something that I really want I'm not depressed or suicidal I don't have extreme dysphoria I don't hate being a male I would just much rather be a woman because I know that's what I truly amso many things to consider.. How did all of you finally get past all of theses fears and finally make the decision to just go for it

My anxiety became so great that I had no choice. I just 'did.' There was nothing that could contain it. No belief system, electro shock, whatever. I had a driving force pushing me toward destruction, according to everyone else in my life. The detritus and flotsam of my life lay waste in the wake.

It was sad. Very sad. I too had kids. I had a promising career. And I cast it to the wind to do what I did. My internal conflict was that strong. I took the easiest path. Like water escaping from a place where it doesn't belong.

It sort of worked out. I recaptured my career. I could have done very well. Instead, I did okay. I have no complaints. Some in my family will never accept me. Most have learned to tolerate me. Some have embraced me.

You will know when it is time. You should try to plan better than me. You know, before the cyclone is upon you.

Quote from: Randy1980 on June 09, 2016, 01:59:57 PM
How did all of you finally get past all of theses fears and finally make the decision to just go for it

I don't really relate to your question because, well, I don't share most of those fears.

• I have one son but he's living with his mother in the opposite corner of the Mediterranean. I know that sooner or later I'll have to tell him, and the sooner the better (he's a young kid), but we have no real daily contact.
  
• I have no significant other who would be shocked.
  
• Parents accepted it remarkably well, but even if they didn't, I'm not too emotionally attached to them (or anyone else for that matter) so it would be like Meh, their loss.
  
• No one depends financially on me.
  
• I work for a small friendly company, and now I'm actually doing my job at one of its clients, in as tolerant a country as the UK. While coming out at work worries me a little, I feel optimistic about it. I feel like a pressure cooker and I know that, over time, the real problem would be not coming out at work and having to keep it all to myself.

Yeah maybe it takes hitting that ultimate low to actually do it but I would much rather do it before it got to that point.. I have been making plans even though I haven't decided fully yet just in case I do decide I want to be as preparedas I possibly can.. My career is a big one because I work construction and it is probably the worse environment possible for a trans woman so I've decided that if I decide to start hrt I'm going to inroll in either nursing or dental hygiene or something along those lines the schooling is 2 years or less and pay about the same as I make now so I think I would hide that I'm on hormones keep my job untill the schooling was done then start living full time and apply for the new job as a woman that's the plan I have come up with to solve that problem at least

I suppose maybe it's a fear between career, kids, spouse or missing out on living the life you've needed since you were little. I grew up wishing with all my heart I could live the life of a woman, but not even knowing that it was a realistic possibility. When I learned it was possible, I pretty much knew what I was going to do.

At this point in my life, my career is better than ever. I never lost my job due to transitioning. I'm divorced and am in a relationship that is so much more fulfilling. My children are still a big part of my life. I'm surrounded by people who love me and accept who I am.

On the other hand, my parents still won't accept who I am, but that's about really all I can say bad.

So in the end I would say it was totally worth it. It wasn't fun, but I am happier.

That's awesome mellisa its nice to here of people that it worked out well for luckily I already have a wife who is excepting and actually prefer I transition at this point at least so I have no fears in that area.. And like you I have known and wished to be female since I was little also maybe around 6 yrs old.. But just because I know I can do it doesn't mean I'm sure I should do it and knowingly bring all the stress and hardship onto myself and my family that is what I have to figure out is what I "want" ok to cause stress to my family

Another fear aside from transitioning is the fear of not doing it then end up getting depression, dysphoria and eventually getting to the point where I have to do it 10 or 15 years down the road I'm already 35 and if I do it I'd like it to be complete by 40 ID like to transition as young as possible I can't wait for my appointment with a therapist next month I'm hoping therapy will help me come up with the decision

benefits vs costs. Why is living presenting female important and more important then presenting male. Whats the benefit. Why is looking female more important than looking and interacting as male. I'd just say be analytical with yourself and see where the balance leans to. I did it to stay alive and to give life another chance , but everyone is different and has their own rationale which is just as valid as anyone else.

I feel very similar Randy.  I've got a great family and I'm doing exceptionally well at my career.  I'm in a high tech job.  I'm moving up the corporate ladder and being given opportunities that many would love to have.  I can achieve great heights.....but even though I am capable of success in this life, it's not the life I want.  Deep down, I am actually the complete opposite of what I am at work.  When I take a dress up day, that other person is the one I much rather prefer.

I feel like the entire world I've worked so hard to create is the very same thing that is preventing me from being able to do what I want.  Talk about a paradox!!

I am pre-HRT, pre anything right now, but there is that calling.  Some days it's much stronger than others, but manageable at this time.

The feeling of guilt is so deep for me.  I have a great marriage, big family, large community that we're part of and I just don't know how I could get the courage to throw it all to the wind.


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I'd just like to add that my choice was easy. I had nothing to give up , absolutely nothing.

Yeah I feel the exact same way I feel like I'm living a lie the small things I dolike dress sometimes always wear women's underwear and shave my legs and wear cite nighties to bed with my wife feels so good and feels like the real me and I want to feel that way always.. But just like you I have a good life now family friends career its hard to throw that away to be my true self and also like you at times I really want to do it and I'm all for it then I think about everything and I'm like I can't it sucks without all of those fears and obsricles I would do it in a heart beat without question

I so wish it were that easy for me stepheniec

the easiness came from absolute nothingness

I am fortunate to not be in that place and hope I never have a feeling of nothingness.. But the bright side is that you climbed your way out of that and found your trueself that says alot.. I hope you are in a much happier place now

yes The  HRT is a miracle for me. I have found my peace.

Randy I write this understanding the turmoil you are experiencing. I much myself have had and still have the same issues but are working through them. I am at very early stages of transition. No hormones as of yet but hope in the next 3 months.
Ok to start off and answer your subject question. For me it was finally understanding that I have been living a lie for 41 years. It was my own lie part fabricated by ignorance, part fabricated by society and a big part fabricated from fear. Whilst they are internal fabrications I don't minimize them. Everyone decides when enough is enough and some never do. The choice is yours.
I believe everyone needs a professional if they are unsure because it is a big thing to consider. If you are at this point questioning you should get some help to help guide you.
I stand to loose a marriage and 2 children. My children are from different relationships. My current spouse knows but since it is early, no saying where it will go. I love her dearly and don't want to lose her, but I have realized myself, that i have to be my true self or i am am nothing more then a facade.
For the children: its a hope I have, that they understand. Mine are young enough and I've always been a "look at all things from all sides" parent I can only hope they understand. That's what we do as parents, is teach our children and hope they make the right decisions.
So in the career world it is tough I have yet to experience that. My career is what kept me hidden. I spent 23 years in the Marine Corps. Tough rules, FEAR of getting caught etc. Now that medically I have to retire (unrelated) and the wall keeping me in is crumbling it became worse, the inner me needed out.
The culminating event was telling my 10 year old to be who she was and stop worrying about what everyone else thinks.
How could I be such the Hypocrite.
Done sir, Done. Time to be myself

I still have fears.  But I had gotten to the point that I hated life and went to bed every night hoping and praying that I would die before morning.  That feeling was a whole lot worse than whatever fears I am still carrying around.  Utter despair has a way of forcing you to make the hard choices.


Sapere Aude

I knew at 13 but by the time I reached 23, I could no longer continue to live unless I transitioned. Had I not transitioned, it would have all ended at age 23. The only thing that kept me alive over the next 8 years was the fact that I was moving closer to my goal. Several times my progress stalled because of lack of information or pretty useless medical care  and the depression returned bad as ever.

You might feel you can continue to live as you are but will you be all the person you could be to those around you or will you be wandering aimlessly through life because your heart really isn't into it. I had it pretty bad and you might not feel it to the same degree that I did but just because you can live with the pain doesn't mean you should.

I guess it wasn't so hard when I have no kids and my parents were already disappointed in me for some reason, or too bothered with their own things to care. The only thing that makes it hard at all is that I have a 10 year relationship which is going to extinct because of this. This is only a problem because I care about the person I'm with and want to continue being with them. If this wasn't an issue the only things I'd face would be... being treated the way I've always been treated anyway. Like an outsider. But I've had three decades to get used to that so it matters not. 

Ultimately I realized my life sucks so hard as it is, for the reasons of being inhibited by this condition from living a normal life, transition doesn't seem to present much of a problem for me. I guess my life really blows if it holds almost no fear for me.

Which Pain is Worse?

Fear is a two edged sword It can save you, or  hurt you. Life is about balance. What is truly important to you? What do you NEED to do to keep or obtain what is truly important to you today. The answer is only valid for 24 Hrs, mostly, maybe. It is allowed to change just as everything living does. Tomorrow's answer may be different.

At this point in my life, "Most" days I simply want to transition. Some days, or hours, I feel I NEED to. Huge difference between the two. I play a delicate balancing act juggling all the various aspects of my life, my world, that make me, me. It kind of sort of works, most days, which I am thankful for.

I also know beyond any doubt if the point ever came that I needed to transition 'Fully' in order to survive, to be happy, that I would. Meanwhile HRT, my support group, therapy, spirituality, and my "Reality Therapist, AKA wife, keep me going.

I never had a girlfriend and I never had any children. So, that wasn't an issue. It was simply a case of 25 years (at the time) of hell and I just couldn't take it anymore. If I hadn't came out and got the ball rolling, I would've been dead for a decade by now. I had nothing to lose.

Q: How did you all get past your fears to make the leap?
A: Suicide attempt and having nothing left to lose.

I had, and have, a lot to lose.  Wife, adult children, and a career as a self employed attorney.  I attempted transition three prior times in my life, and each time found a compelling reason not to  (money and support when I was 20, career when I was 26, and family when I was 35).

Now here I am at 53.  I suffered massive panic attacks for the past 10 years while living in denial, and tried everything I could think of to stop them, until they got so bad that I started being afraid to leave the house and drive to work.

Then I knew I had to do something or I was going to lose my career anyway.  So here I am now on hormones.  Maybe it is just a placebo effect (I started on them yesterday) but I am able to think more clearly and work more effectively than I have been in a long, long time.  Maybe forever, because I no longer have the dysphoria distracting me.

If you want a reason to do it now, be advised:  If you do not transition, and keep this part of yourself a secret, you will have to lie to people you love about your feelings, and you will have to handle the dysphoria alone, since you cannot tell anyone about it.

Living your truth is better.

Thank you all for your replies they are very helpful and encouraging to hear.. It seems like most of you took the leap because you felt you got to the point that you had to.. I guess what I have to figure out is if I should roll the dice and stay living as a male and hope I don't developer bad dysphoria or anxiety and get to the point that I have to transition in order to save my life or do I just go for it now.. I mean right now I have a good life and I don't hate being male right now I live relatively happy as a man I just desire to be a woman much more.. I guess I just feel safe being a man and I'm do good at it lol but there is much to think about.. It's a very confusing life we trans live and a scary one

The problem is if you wait until you have to transition, you are playing a very dangerous game. You are only talking to the ones who survived it and we know many don't. Even if you don't plan on transitioning, you should see a gender therapist and do some of the ground work. Therapy and low dose HRT has bought many on the site the extra time they want or need.
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,207785.0.html

The point, well made, about 'waiting' illustrates where many of us start our physical journey.  I waited, but have paid a heavy price.  It took supreme distraction to keep me from slipping over the edge of a deadly cliff throughout my life where I knew what needed to be, but I was finding excuses to avoid.  Once I ran out of distractions, there was nothing left to do but follow my reality to what ever point it would lead.  Radical self love, age, maturity and a loss of will to fight myself...these motivated me to start in earnest my transition.

Well I already have an appointment scheduled to try and figure this out and I am giving her a huge consideration even if I don't transition fully I am really leaning towards that at this point I'm just waiting to see a therapist before making that final decision.. I guess with me I just don't feel like I have the same dysphoria anxiety and depression as many do in this forum I've never been a person that gets stressed easily.. Always worked through and dealt with stressful situations really well and have never been depressed.. The only thing that worries me is someday developing that I may or may not I've been fine this long and have lived a happy life but it worries me ever sense I came out to my wife I want it even more and did experience one definaye instance of dysphoria since coming out to her.. Or maybe I've always had it to some extent and never noticed it idk even though I felt this way since childhood actual talking about it in this forum and especially with my wife has opened up a whole new can of emotions and thoughts I almost wish I had kept it inside where it seemed safe but I know I did the best thing by telling my wife and joining this forum its been I big help all of you are really great!!

Quote from: stephaniec on June 09, 2016, 04:34:35 PM
yes The  HRT is a miracle for me. I have found my peace.

I am the same way about two month in to h.r.t. I had this wave of peace  and it has lasted I have never felt this okay with my self in my life.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           

Alcohol...

Are you saying alcohol helped you past the fears to make the leap?? Lol love it

Kristy are you fully transitioning or just taking low dose hrt to help you?

Quote from: Randy1980 on June 10, 2016, 05:18:33 PM
Are you saying alcohol helped you past the fears to make the leap?? Lol love it

Yep, had a lovely dinner my GF made us, with a bottle of wine, ended up sinking that bottle and when we went to bed, it just came out, we talked till about 5 o'clock in the morning, she was so accepting, so helpful, she cryed for the things in life I missed out on :(
She is a rock, and has help me threw so much, thanks to her this process is moving so fast, got my HRT in a exactly a month on tge 11 of July!
But yep a bit of a courage boost!
Thank god we are both light weights :3

Quote from: Randy1980 on June 10, 2016, 05:19:41 PM
Kristy are you fully transitioning or just taking low dose hrt to help you?

I am transitioning I am on a full dose of hrt.

Lol... i  did the same thing with my wife Christine!!! Except I only told her I liked to wear heels and stockings sometimes, which was all I knew then... she is the one who helped me realize what it was, and then every time I felt like I wanted to tell someone else in my life, I usually had a little buzz... the last time I had a six pack and put it on facebook.... so, no more surprises.... no more individual talks.... and basically everyone knows..... and only one person who I already knew was ignorant and small minded was a douche about it.... everyone else has been accepting and supportive.... my wife MOST of all....

Quote from: Randy1980 on June 09, 2016, 01:59:57 PM
How did you who have transitioned or decided to every get past the fears of all the obsricles you knew you would face.. It just seems like I will never get the courage to do what I truly want.. I mean I think about my kids.. And breaking my parents heart and disappointing them..then there is the fact of losing employment or finding the right job that will except me if I do Lose my job.. That's a huge fear being that my family financially depends on me.. I have fears of bringing chaos to my family and turning us into outcast how can I do that to them knowing that we have a good life and a SD socially excepted right now.. I think about my kids being in school and not being able to talk about how cool and strong there dad is and having to explain that there dad is now a woman.. Would it be to selfish for me to transition my kids don't deserve to have to deal with that.. I mean I'm not at the point that I have to transition but its something that I really want I'm not depressed or suicidal I don't have extreme dysphoria I don't hate being a male I would just much rather be a woman because I know that's what I truly amso many things to consider.. How did all of you finally get past all of theses fears and finally make the decision to just go for it

A supportive spouse
A union job where I couldn't be fired for being trans
Money in the bank to pay for medical interventions
A supportive therapist and friends who didn't judge me

That's the basics. Having other friends and family come out as trans and transition during the same timeframe also helped. Like others, my anxiety and depression had gotten really bad and I had to go on anti-depressants, so it was clear I was no longer effective at shoving the issue under the rug. The therapy helped me get my life enough under control that I was in a good place to start transition.

Quote from: Randy1980 on June 09, 2016, 03:05:44 PM
Yeah maybe it takes hitting that ultimate low to actually do it but I would much rather do it before it got to that point.. I have been making plans even though I haven't decided fully yet just in case I do decide I want to be as preparedas I possibly can.. My career is a big one because I work construction and it is probably the worse environment possible for a trans woman so I've decided that if I decide to start hrt I'm going to inroll in either nursing or dental hygiene or something along those lines the schooling is 2 years or less and pay about the same as I make now so I think I would hide that I'm on hormones keep my job untill the schooling was done then start living full time and apply for the new job as a woman that's the plan I have come up with to solve that problem at least

I know a trans woman who is a union electrician in the South. She transitioned in place. So it's not impossible.

If you look into nursing I think you'll find there are plenty of union employers where it is illegal to fire someone for "gender identity" in the labor contract. You would be able to transition in place which would be much better for your pocketbook. Dental hygienists tend to be hired by sole proprietors where you can be fired for just about anything.

Talking to people helps a LOT.  If you can find a local transgender support group in your area, go to those meetings and get to know the people there.  Talk to them, hear their stories, and share your own experiences.  And of course talk to a gender therapist too, as they can also be extremely helpful.

Spending time and talking with others who may have gone through similar experiences will help you understand yourself better.  And it will help you come to a decision you're comfortable with.  These forums are great too, but you can accomplish so much more when talking to people face-to-face, especially when it comes to life-changing decisions such as this.

I'm somewhere in the middle of transition, and I haven't gotten past my fears.  I'm terrified.  I wake up at 3:00 a.m. convinced my world is going to end.  The only thing that keeps me going is that every time I stop and try to figure out what I could do differently, I realize that nothing else works.  It's transition or die, and so far, I'm not ready to choose death.  But it would be easier.  I've heard a number of people say that transition was by far the hardest thing they'd ever done, and I'm beginning to see what they mean.

I can't say I "decided" anything.  I started ~14 years ago by realizing I had to be who I really was or I'd be dead, and this is where it's led me.  Allowing myself to be who I wasn't supposed to be.  Then realizing I was trans.  Then the realization that I was going to transition.  (It wasn't so much a decision as a realization.)  At some point, you realize you've already jumped out of the airplane and worrying about whether you should have done something different seems kind of beside the point.  That energy is better spent getting the @#$% parachute to work.

I'm mostly getting by by taking one day at a time and not trying to be brave.  I don't try to do any more than I feel up to.  I try to avoid "what if?"s.  I whine about my troubles to anyone who will listen, and to my amazement, they don't mind.  They tell me to call any time I need someone to talk to.  They even call me brave, which is a laugh!

Asche nailed it.  Leap Or Die.

I woke up this morning with the thought "What am I doing?  Am I crazy?  Have I totally lost it?  I should stop!"  Then I remembered how I felt back in March, four months ago, when I was curled up in the arms of black, suicidal depression.  Do I really want to go back to that?

If I hadn't started on the path to transition, I very strongly suspect that I wouldn't be here.  I had already worked out in detail how I was going to end my life, when something, I don't know what, triggered me to try one last time to get help.  (The thing with us old engineers is that we are far to good at planning to come up with something unlikely to succeed.  Scary, that.)

And yeah, it's not bravery.  It's survival.

And for the haters out there, my apologies for the inconvenience of my continued existance.  Not!

It wasn't a decision - I just got to the point where I was out of other options. 'Pray the gay' away hadn't worked. Medication hadn't worked. Therapy hadn't worked. Drinking was no longer working...

It was transition or die.

Quote from: Randy1980 on June 09, 2016, 01:59:57 PM
How did you who have transitioned or decided to every get past the fears of all the obsricles you knew you would face.. It just seems like I will never get the courage to do what I truly want.. I mean I think about my kids.. And breaking my parents heart and disappointing them..then there is the fact of losing employment or finding the right job that will except me if I do Lose my job.. That's a huge fear being that my family financially depends on me.. I have fears of bringing chaos to my family and turning us into outcast how can I do that to them knowing that we have a good life and a SD socially excepted right now.. I think about my kids being in school and not being able to talk about how cool and strong there dad is and having to explain that there dad is now a woman.. Would it be to selfish for me to transition my kids don't deserve to have to deal with that.. I mean I'm not at the point that I have to transition but its something that I really want I'm not depressed or suicidal I don't have extreme dysphoria I don't hate being a male I would just much rather be a woman because I know that's what I truly amso many things to consider.. How did all of you finally get past all of theses fears and finally make the decision to just go for it

Hmmm, i got past it by coming to terms with my trueself. I have never felt male and have suffered every day because of it, never feeling comfertable or getting close to someone.

So it was either not live at all or coming out and coming to terms with reality. Easy choice in the end.

Quote from: Randy1980 on June 09, 2016, 01:59:57 PM
How did you who have transitioned or decided to every get past the fears of all the obsricles you knew you would face.. It just seems like I will never get the courage to do what I truly want.. I mean I think about my kids.. And breaking my parents heart and disappointing them..

That's pretty much the stage I'm at right now. I want to socially transition but I'm just so terrified of being rejected by everyone I care about. I also worry about my kids. My step-daughter is seven and I have no idea where her mom stands on trans issues. My other two are only one and almost three, so they're very young still. My partner is still with me after I came out to him, but I don't think he quite gets it cause he constantly misgenders me (despite insisting that he "accepts me" as trans). My mom I came out to again and she acted even worse than my partner. She told me "there's a reason why most people won't make those choices until much later in life"... basically saying I should stay closeted until I'm old... it hurt to hear that. But the dysphoria and the amplified depression and anxiety are also very painful. Hopefully I'll be getting help with my babies so that I can see a gender therapist and finally begin my (slow) transition.

Quote from: Randy1980 on June 10, 2016, 08:42:01 AM
Thank you all for your replies they are very helpful and encouraging to hear.. It seems like most of you took the leap because you felt you got to the point that you had to.. I guess what I have to figure out is if I should roll the dice and stay living as a male and hope I don't developer bad dysphoria or anxiety and get to the point that I have to transition in order to save my life or do I just go for it now.. I mean right now I have a good life and I don't hate being male right now I live relatively happy as a man I just desire to be a woman much more.. I guess I just feel safe being a man and I'm do good at it lol but there is much to think about.. It's a very confusing life we trans live and a scary one

I was in your shoes once. I was okay for a while ... maybe five years, maybe longer. Unfortunately, all those hormones have a cumulative effect, until I ended up very not okay. Like some posters here, panic attacks, personal crisis, did therapy, dealt with all the other issues, that left the one I'd been putting off.

The other problem is that it really doesn't get easier to transition later in life except for the money thing.

I also really discounted how much of my unhappiness and discomfort was due to dysphoria. I blamed a lot of other things--abusive household growing up, Asperger's syndrome, bad economy, George W. Bush (seriously!). I always had an excuse for being miserable, dysphoric, and depressed. I also had no idea how much of my feelings of physical unwellness were due to the wrong hormones. I felt like I was chronically sick.

I always thought I would die with this secret kept locked away.  Over the many years I gave in here or there in a small way.  Ear piercing for example.  I managed to make it into my 40's before I realized I wasn't going to make it and told my wife.  Even then I didn't plan on doing it and kept fighting.  It took 2 years from after telling my wife to when I went full time.  Yes I have kids, college age.  They had and still have a rough time. 
Trying to go slow and gradual when everything inside of you says go now is hard but if you love those who love you, it's the only kindness you can offer. 
People say that I am brave and that it took amazing courage to do this.  Honestly, I had no real choice.  I lost my fight with it.  As I slowly transitioned I made plans and acted on them, slowly.  Hair removal, therapy, hormones, etc... 
Forgive my boldness in giving advice but, go slow.  It's hard for you but far better for those around you.

Good luck honey

This is a great question, and one that is central to the whole process of transitioning.

Firstly, I don't think we get past all our fears, but just decide that we must face them (but not all at once). It's cliched, I know, but it's all about taking one step at a time; that is small, manageable steps. I think an initial phase of "stealth" transition where you adjust your weight; start HRT; make cosmetic changes (such as facial laser-hair removal for trans women); increase the frequency of presenting yourself in public as your preferred gender, but not necessarily "make the giant leap" of announcing your transition to everyone. I will never forget the instant I decided to transition, and made an appointment with my gender clinic. In my mind, the words, "Okay, let's do it" marked that instant.

This initial "leap", where in your own mind you have reached a tipping point where you certain that you want, indeed that you need to transition, will in time lead inevitably to the final leap where you make it generally known that you are transitioning. I'm on the verge of this second and most difficult leap (which is possibly the one you're actually referring to). For me, my two fears are the effect my announcement will have on those I love followed by the effect it will have on my employment. I still present as a male at work, but have to wear a sports bra to hide my breasts (I had breasts even before I started HRT just over three months ago, and they have grown even larger since then). Clearly, I can't keep this up for ever.

The calculus of deciding when to make the final leap (i.e. the grand announcement) is complex, and depends on your personal circumstances. But the surety and determination that I have made the right decision to transition, not to mention the inner peace it has brought, will, I am sure, help me get past my final fears.

Once I can out to my wife and she was totally supportive, my fears almost vanished. This is a long process. For my own sanity I try not to get caught up looking too far ahead. I take it one step and one day at a time. I don't know how it will end, but that is true in a lot of things in life. My situation is that I am older, will be retiring soon, and my children are grown. I don't have the concern of the job or the influence this may have on small children. I am financially set and can buy or do whatever I want. After reading this entire thread to me it seems that this is different for everyone depending on a lot of factors. As others have said discuss all this with your wife and therapist and seek support. If my kids were young I would not do it. To me they are the most important things in my life, and I would never do anything to hurt them. You also need to be able to support them, sometimes into their 20's!. To me they are my first priority in my life. That is just me though. My dysphoria was mild and I could, and did, deal with it.

I try not to focus on what I may lose. Instead I focus on what I will gain. I do not believe that my entire family and all my friends are going to desert me because of this change. Some may have a problem with it, but they will either support me or not. I can always make new friends who do. I will gain a new satisfaction with myself and feel like the complete person I was meant to be.

Quote from: Debbie on July 10, 2016, 10:35:20 PM
This is a great question, and one that is central to the whole process of transitioning.

Firstly, I don't think we get past all our fears, but just decide that we must face them (but not all at once). It's cliched, I know, but it's all about taking one step at a time; that is small, manageable steps. I think an initial phase of "stealth" transition where you adjust your weight; start HRT; make cosmetic changes (such as facial laser-hair removal for trans women); increase the frequency of presenting yourself in public as your preferred gender, but not necessarily "make the giant leap" of announcing your transition to everyone. I will never forget the instant I decided to transition, and made an appointment with my gender clinic. In my mind, the words, "Okay, let's do it" marked that instant.

This initial "leap", where in your own mind you have reached a tipping point where you certain that you want, indeed that you need to transition, will in time lead inevitably to the final leap where you make it generally known that you are transitioning. I'm on the verge of this second and most difficult leap (which is possibly the one you're actually referring to). For me, my two fears are the effect my announcement will have on those I love followed by the effect it will have on my employment. I still present as a male at work, but have to wear a sports bra to hide my breasts (I had breasts even before I started HRT just over three months ago, and they have grown even larger since then). Clearly, I can't keep this up for ever.

The calculus of deciding when to make the final leap (i.e. the grand announcement) is complex, and depends on your personal circumstances. But the surety and determination that I have made the right decision to transition, not to mention the inner peace it has brought, will, I am sure, help me get past my final fears.

Really helpful to see it all set out like this. I acknowledged that I'm trans a couple of months ago, and told a couple people close to me. I've just started some counseling and have also told my psychiatrist, who was supportive. The trick is now trying to figure out what changes I want to make and how. I don't want to do anything more permanent till I'm done the set of counseling sessions in October. But I am doing things like dressing more masculine, and going today to cut my long hair which feels like a huge psychological leap (gulp). I'm working on losing weight in the meantime too.

Down the road, I want to legally change my name/gender and go on T. But I need time first to process that. I keep reminding myself that I control the pace of this transition. I am feeling a lot of anxiety though because I've been invited to be an attendant at my best friend's wedding in the southern Mediterranean, a destination wedding but in a church (read: very expensive trip) early next spring. I am faced with being 'out' now to not only my friend and partner and the wedding party, but all the parents (including some very conservative folks). So it would be either make no changes at all, not tell the parents or wedding party, and present as female as always, or go as a male early on T, masculine clothes (my preference, if it is even allowed in the church)... kind of like the awkward teen years. First of all, I'm not religious, but it's a Catholic church, so... traditional. And then a week of events.

I'm more inclined to bow out for both financial reasons and feeling the pressure to be out to all these people that I'm not ready for - the day shouldn't be about me obviously and I don't want to be a distraction. But being forced to wear a dress and go to church (which I did 3 years ago to become their child's godparent), was a much hated activity when I was teen and felt fake to me for so many reasons. I hate to think I'd have to do this all again just to please the people around me and not rock the boat. And also be out thousands of dollars for this trip. Selfish, I know. It's really tough and has created a lot of anxiety for me.

I put the fears a side and through caution to the wind. I knew I couldn't live any longer without transitioning. So I did. I planned everything out as best I could and from their I let the cards fall where they maybe. Hugs
Mariah

My wife asked me a related question recently: what if you transition and then regret it?  Good question, one that got me thinking.  For me, there is no "transition or die" imperative.  The "or die" part just isn't in my makeup, so my worst case is regret.

I don't think I will regret transitioning.  I have wanted it for so long, I can't imagine regretting it.  But I can't see the future, so maybe something will happen to make me regret it.  Let's say 90% chance of success, 10% chance of regret.  Those are decent odds; I'll take them.

The alternative is to not transition.  In that case, I know for a 100% certainty, that I would regret it for the rest of my life.  So my choice is between 10% regret or 100% regret.  That's an easy choice. 

My wife's question focused my thoughts a bit, but I was already thinking along those lines when I was trying to get up the nerve to come out to her.  That was my tipping point: I would face a lifetime of regret if I didn't do something.  I already have enough regret over the decades I have lost by delaying the decision so long.  I owe it to myself to give myself this chance.

Quote from: stephaniec on June 09, 2016, 03:46:17 PM
I'd just like to add that my choice was easy. I had nothing to give up , absolutely nothing.

same here. when i think about it, in the end, i really had nothing left to lose. my long years of suppressing my authentic internal sense of my own gender led me ultimately, and ever, to a gray half life of isolation and depression. 

since starting HRT it's like the surprising arrival of a rainbow within my body.  now my life is in living color for the 1st time ever.

Quote from: KathyLauren on July 20, 2016, 10:32:01 AM
The alternative is to not transition.  In that case, I know for a 100% certainty, that I would regret it for the rest of my life.  So my choice is between 10% regret or 100% regret.  That's an easy choice. 

Really like your logic Kathy.  Paige :)

I did not have an option on transition. My T dropped and my transition began. I guess that I could have taken T, but not this trans-female. I got the ready or not here you go... and I can't be happier :)