Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Yeah, I just really need somewhere to talk about all this, and I didn't want to create a long winded post of everything, rather talk it in this thread, it's really the only thing that helps me so much.

Welcome!  You have come to the right place.  Tell us what is going on for you.  We will listen and help in any way we can.

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Please do post.   Say whatever you need to say.  It really helps.  Goddess knows, I've done enough of it.

The folks here are friendly, experienced, and across the membership there is an awful lot of knowledge.  They've been a tremendous help to me and others who are a bit new to all of this.

Hi Reyes,
I've been here a while now. So far found no one who bites. You sound like you would really like to get it off your chest. I hope you decide to.
Welcome from Moni

welcome

Thanks everyone who welcomed me. :3

So, to start off, I'm still in the closet, like very very deep, honestly I don't think I'll ever be able to come out.

I only realized I was mtf eight months ago. Before that I actually never even considered that, it ended up being a betrayal by a friend online and something their boyfriend said that I kinda interpreted wrong, but anyway, it didn't end happily, and over the rest of the day I realized maybe the reason it effected me so drastically was, well y'know.

But I've really never been happy, not really, but now I know why, but while I'm fine alone and online, mostly, at this current time I have absolutely no interest in being around anyone in my family because I just get so nervous and uncomfortable.

Reyes, I am nodding my head reading your story because it sounds so familiar to me and my life. I'm glad you came here.  :)

Thank you.

Let me ask, something that makes this even harder for me is at random times I all of a sudden am certain I'm not transgender, well, no, it's more that I'm certain I was wrong, but even then I still think about it, but I don't think I am or something. It always goes away, no matter how long, usually not to long but it happens, is this normal?

I can find so little info beyond the, "I knew since I was a kid and was always girly" stuff.

Hi Hon,
Your feelings are quite common.
Feelings come and go and sometimes we even think we have conquered it all.
And then there is tomorrow, which may be next month, next six month, next year. It doesn't go a away.

So.
What do we do?,

First, the big leap. See a therapist. Oh no never, I'm not, I'm never, I'm not, ok It will go away.
So how do we deal with it?
First, no fear.
Then enjoy.

No matter the journey being happy beats anything.

The people who "always knew" are a minority. Free yourself of that expectation.

Most of us experience gender in a place far removed from language and logic. It's an underlying feeling that sometimes bursts into awareness.

Quote from: AnxietyDisord3r on June 13, 2016, 07:28:41 AM
Most of us experience gender in a place far removed from language and logic. It's an underlying feeling that sometimes bursts into awareness.

And a lot of the time, it isn't obvious that it has anything to do with gender.

What's more, sometimes it isn't even obvious that it's hurting, at least if you're like me and have learned to just not be aware of the pain.  It only becomes obvious when something happens to make it hurt less (or even stop hurting entirely!)

It never occurred to me that I was trans until I read Zinnia Jones' post That was dysphoria? (http://the-orbit.net/zinniajones/2013/09/that-was-dysphoria-8-signs-and-symptoms-of-indirect-gender-dysphoria/)

Even now, the only evidence I have is that I consistently feel better (or at least more alive) the more I live as a trans woman.  Each step has unlocked parts of myself and made me feel more whole.  (Not necessarily happier, though.  Sometimes what I get in touch with is very painful.  Like right now, for instance.)

I do have a therapist yeah, just started seeing her, but even knowing she can't tell anyone any of what we discuss I'm still just to crippled by fear to even tell her, cause I know that may eventually lead to me coming out, and it's not the coming out per se that's the problem for me, it's the very thought of after, everything after while around my family. And I hate that because I want to so badly, but it's like a mind gripping fear that just hits me hard whenever I even think about them knowing.

Quote from: Reyes on June 13, 2016, 08:48:54 PM
I'm still just to crippled by fear to even tell her, cause I know that may eventually lead to me coming out, and it's not the coming out per se that's the problem for me, it's the very thought of after, everything after while around my family.

It's so easy for your imagination to run wild and picture your family ashamed of you or rejecting you, etc.

I don't know your family, so I can't say what's going to happen.

But many people's families surprise them by understanding, or coming around after initially being resistant. If they love you, they will want you to be genuinely who you are. No one wants a loved one to destroy their soul slowly by pretending to be someone else.

Please keep posting. You'll find so many people here who who've been through something similar and who've come through wonderfully.

Quote from: Reyes on June 13, 2016, 08:48:54 PM
I do have a therapist yeah, just started seeing her, but even knowing she can't tell anyone any of what we discuss I'm still just to crippled by fear to even tell her, cause I know that may eventually lead to me coming out, and it's not the coming out per se that's the problem for me, it's the very thought of after, everything after while around my family. And I hate that because I want to so badly, but it's like a mind gripping fear that just hits me hard whenever I even think about them knowing.

I totally get the fear.  I really do, because I live it too. 

But, please, trust your therapist and tell her.  She can help you work through the fear and come up with solutions that will work for you.  She can't help you if she doesn't know.

Quote from: suzifrommd on June 14, 2016, 06:39:56 AM
It's so easy for your imagination to run wild and picture your family ashamed of you or rejecting you, etc.

I don't know your family, so I can't say what's going to happen.

But many people's families surprise them by understanding, or coming around after initially being resistant. If they love you, they will want you to be genuinely who you are. No one wants a loved one to destroy their soul slowly by pretending to be someone else.

Please keep posting. You'll find so many people here who who've been through something similar and who've come through wonderfully.

It's not really fear of them rejecting me or any of that, at least I don't think it is. It's just like, a feeling of, I dunno, but like whenever I think of just going through all of it around them, and them knowing, even if they're perfectly accepting and everything, just every time I think of it I get like, like it's kinda hard to breathe for a moment and my heart is racing. I guess like a mini panic attack.

Quote from: Reyes on June 14, 2016, 06:30:34 PM
It's not really fear of them rejecting me or any of that, at least I don't think it is. It's just like, a feeling of, I dunno, but like whenever I think of just going through all of it around them, and them knowing, even if they're perfectly accepting and everything, just every time I think of it I get like, like it's kinda hard to breathe for a moment and my heart is racing. I guess like a mini panic attack.

Is it possible you have some shame about transitioning?

I sure did. "What would they think of me?" I sort of had the sense they'd see me as someone who couldn't curb my urges or something. It wasn't until I actually started the process and realized what a challenge it was that I started becoming proud of myself for coming through the other end.

Quote from: suzifrommd on June 14, 2016, 06:58:54 PM
Is it possible you have some shame about transitioning?

I sure did. "What would they think of me?" I sort of had the sense they'd see me as someone who couldn't curb my urges or something. It wasn't until I actually started the process and realized what a challenge it was that I started becoming proud of myself for coming through the other end.

Shame? I.. actually don't know. Never really considered that.

I mean I know I want to transition, and it's like, if they weren't around and I never saw my family I wouldn't care about anyone else and just do it.

As for "what would they think of me?" Maybe? It's not really so much thoughts as just this panicy feeling every time I think of it that is just impossible to get past and I just start thinking "I can't." over and over.

Quote from: Reyes on June 14, 2016, 07:47:52 PM
It's not really fear of them rejecting me or any of that, at least I don't think it is. It's just like, a feeling of, I dunno, but like whenever I think of just going through all of it around them, and them knowing, even if they're perfectly accepting and everything, just every time I think of it I get like, like it's kinda hard to breathe for a moment and my heart is racing. I guess like a mini panic attack.
.........
Shame? I.. actually don't know. Never really considered that.

I mean I know I want to transition, and it's like, if they weren't around and I never saw my family I wouldn't care about anyone else and just do it.

As for "what would they think of me?" Maybe? It's not really so much thoughts as just this panicy feeling every time I think of it that is just impossible to get past and I just start thinking "I can't." over and over.

If it makes a difference, I get panic attacks over the thought of dealing with this while still living with my family as well. If they weren't around, I would probably be able to progress in transition without freaking out as much. I'm quite fearful of their rejection though, so my situation is different in that aspect. But I'm also fearful of opening up to them about this topic, like it is something personal that I want to handle on my own. I do not trust people well (including my family), I don't like to ask for other's help and I have trouble expressing my emotions. So I think I am almost more fearful of feeling exposed and vulnerable in that situation...like telling my family something deeply personal. Maybe it has something to do with my own pride of self, and wanting to be able to deal with stuff like it is no problem. It's all confusing, but I understand the feeling of "I just can't" with a lot of things in my life (I have extreme anxiety stuff though :P ).

Somehow, I hoped this help. Either way good luck, and keep thinking that eventually things will work out. You mentioned earlier that you are seeing a therapist, which is quite good as that is probably best at the moment. I'm a hypocrite for saying it, but trusting the therapist could be helpful as they are there to help you sort through or deal with your thoughts. And keep writing on here, it helps too. :)

It's not so much that I'm fearful of their response, it's, well a bit of a story.

Okay, so like I said, I first considered I might be transgender in November of last year, and by January I was pretty certain I was, and I wanted to come out, but it was so hard for me to even try and get the words out, but I kept feeling the want to do so.

So, one day that month, I honestly don't know how I did it, but me and my father were in the kitchen together, he was making dinner, and, I told him. I didn't exactly do the greatest job, it wasn't exactly the typical conversation and it only lasted like five minutes.

But I went to tell him, and I couldn't just say it, so I asked if he remembered that movie my Grandmother loved from last year, the Danish Girl, and he didn't at first, but I reminded him, and then I said how I felt I was transgender, and well he was confused, he literally said so, and I'm saying about how it means I'm really a woman, and well not much else was said after a bit more of that, which I was perfectly fine with, I was like having a major panic attack over the fact that I actually told him.

The only other thing said that night was he said how he knows I like girls, and I told him I still do. Then that was it. And like I said still being in the residual effects of the panic attack I was just fine with waiting a bit to talk more. So I figured he'd bring it up again in like a day or so, maybe even the next morning, I was just to nervous to bring it back up myself.

But in the end, a month went by, and I finally just went and asked him if he remembered what I told him that day in the kitchen. And he had no idea what I was talking about.

Now, I have always had pretty much complete ->-bleeped-<- self esteem, and this just basically destroyed the last shred I had left. I mean what kind of father forgets their kid telling them something like that? No matter how ->-bleeped-<- a job I did in doing so.

But my mouth seemed to be going on autopilot trying to remind him and in the end he's like, oh yeah, and he remembered, but because I'm an idiot, I went, Yeah I was wrong about that, my depression made me feel things that weren't real.

And I don't really recall what he said then, it was either, okay, or of course, or right, I really don't know, it was some one or two word response.

Before that happened I was while scared of coming out, I was actually looking forward to after, even with my family around. I mean not completely looking forward with them around, but I actually was at some level. Ever since that day though, the very thought of them knowing, of being around while I went through it absolutely petrifies me.

Hell, even the idea of writing a note, or like if I was drunk, which would never happen, hate alcohol, but if I was and told them like that, or any other number of thing, it all fills me with the same fear. Hell, the only way it wouldn't is if some random person told them without me having any idea they were going to, lol...

But yeah.

Well today was awful..

It was my birthday this sunday, but we didn't do anything till today, and there was the constant, Son, Brother, Uncle, Grandson, over and over and over and I hated it. And then my sister, who's always making fun of me, does that stupid Happy Birthday parody, the Monkey one, and that also made me feel like ->-bleeped-<- for whatever reason.

Okay just checking, was I abandoned here or were the past few days unusually fast and this is more normal pace? lol

Some days are busier that others. Moderator duties have kept me busy for the last couple of days.

It sounds like you have reached a decision point. You can stay in the closet an be miserable or you can start moving forward, learn to ignore what others think and say about you and become yourself. Both paths are difficult but for a while, staying in the closet will be easier.

After all these years, yesterday I was sired in the Home Depot. No I didn't like it but I collected my purchases, left the store and the rest of the day was fine. Until you start become who you are supposed to be, your nerves will remain sensitive. I suggest you have a long discussion about this in your next therapy session and decide what your future will look like. Your therapist is the one person you need to talk to about this and it will remain between the two of you until you decide different.

Dear Reyes,
   The desire to not disappoint family is incredibly powerful. Even if their image of you is flawed (Not the image you wish they had), you still don't want them to disown you or think badly of you. If you are young and dependent on them it is especially terrifying. When you are transgender you have desires that go completely against what your family would expect from you. Before I came out, I was convinced that every single relationship I had would be ruined if I told them. I could not picture how I could transition and people would be okay with me ever again. So, I waited and waited. It caused myself and people around me a lot of heartache, because I was so unhappy. The feelings finally became so intense that I couldn't take it any longer. Today is my first day of living full time as Monica. I have told my entire world that I am transgender and have lost no one. Am I lucky? Very! Can I tell you you won't lose anyone? No! What I am saying is that I doubt your feelings will magically disappear. I would like you to realize that there are a lot of accepting, supportive people out there. It is possible for things to turn out well. I think a first step of talking to your therapist could give you information that could really help you.
   As for your father, I doubt anyone is going to hear you hinting that you might be transgender and latch onto it with a warm embrace. He could be scared, hoping that his child doesn't have to go through the tough road of being trans. I wouldn't judge him too harshly. Don't feel too bad about yourself either, this is scary stuff, coming out.
   I wish you well. I hope you don't spend your life living in fear. Take it from me, it stinks.
Monica

Okay so this is gonna be a quick rant that I need to get out.

Now, the idea of them doing so scares the crap out of me because it could very well lead to me coming out, which I mean I want, but it still scares the crap out of me. But my parent's they push everything. Everything except when they ask if I'm okay.

Two or three times a week they ask if I'm okay, because even they most notice I'm not doing great, but I just say yes, and that's it. They're done and fine with that answer. They don't push at all, it's obvious that I'm not okay, but they don't even try.

But what do they push? They push constantly about how I need to get out of the house, I need to meet people, you need to get out of the house, you can't stay in the house so much, you need to go places and have a life, you never leave the house, you don't have a life, you need to go out and meet people and hang out with people even if I don't like them because I need to or something and blah blah blah.

And then constantly shooting off of that it's my dad's constant if I don't get myself together I'll end up in a home or some ->-bleeped-<- when they're all gone.

And on and on about how I need to start acting like myself again, I need to talk more, I need to this and that, and my favorite, you need to change your meds these obviously aren't working.

They push and push and push every little thing that upsets THEM. But when it comes to finding out whats upsetting me, it's one and done.

Dear Reyes,
   I don't know if this will help, but I will offer it. I  can relate to what you are saying, but I come to it from the angle of the parent. My son has had a difficult time in the past. He took a while to find himself, he always looked like he was depressed or distressed. Something was obviously wrong but whenever we would ask, he would not let us in on what it was. This went on for a long time. As a parent, it is a very helpless feeling. You want to help, so you ask. Asking too much seemed like it would just distance him further. Meanwhile, we saw that he was isolating himself, spending a lot of time moping around, being miserable. We wanted to help, but how could we do anything? We thought maybe if he took some positive steps by doing X or Y, he would come around, maybe gain some confidence. So we urged him to do X and Y, but nothing worked. I guess what I am saying is maybe your parents do push a bit too much, but it sounds like they do care. If you stonewall them, they are bound to be frustrated. Maybe they seem to be a pain in the butt from your perspective. It does take two sides to make it work. Perhaps if you make an effort to work with them, they will respond. You don't even need to start with the trans topic. You said yourself that they ask two or three times a week if you are okay. Sounds like they want to communicate. Wouldn't it be great if you could get to a point where you could work together on some things you want for your life? Build some trust then go for the trans issue if that is what you want. Hope you figure it out!
Moni

Just thought I'd fill everyone in. After Sunday, which was absolutely awful, the past few days, other then when in the shower, I've been doing fine, no negative feelings, haven't even really thought about it much.

Until like half an hour ago anyway, they started flowing around again.

Hi Reyes.
I just came out to my therapist yesterday.  Still closeted for everyone else.  I have been dealing with this since I was 10 years old, 49
years ago.  I sympathize with wanting to stay home and safe while you work out your gender identity.  But your parents are right, you have to keep living while you work through this.  Some classic signs of gender dysphoria are home bound, isolation, withdrawal from social activities.  To work through your gender issues, you need a positive mind and attitude.  I wish I had done it so much earlier in my life.

Best of luck and keep fighting for yourself!

Ellen

Esh.. That is rough!

I can relate. I used to be a VERY social person. I would go out everynight of the week, always telling jokes and having a good time. However, now that I am in a new city, I rarely hangout with others or even attempt to build new relationships.

I just don't want to have to come out to more people!

But I have realized that getting out of the house is good, so I've been trying to slowly get involved in the trans scene locally here in Houston. Having a laugh or two is just good for the soul!

I wish I could do any of that, sadly I'm a pathetic excuse for a human being.
I'm 28 and I still don't drive, always been scared to, so I have to relay on my parents to go most anywhere, so I can pretty much never go anywhere without them knowing.
And even if I wanted to I never would because I am, I dunno, so set in my ways, or everything I do, what little there is is so expected, that I can't bring myself to do anything different, because whenever I do my parent's decide to make a big deal out of it and I can't stand that.
A few weeks ago I accepted my sister and her friends invite to go to dinner with them, mainly because I have a serious crush on her friend, and honestly if it turns out she's straight I am going to be very disappointed, lol.
But then the next day I'm on the phone with my mom for like an hour with her asking me things about how it was and all that and I just want her to shut up, because it's ridiculous.
I have serious depression, anxiety, panic attacks, very strained nerves, slight ocd, no self esteem, no self confidence, and very slight aspergers, so I'm pretty much one big mess.
And it's all just so unfair because I came out already to him, I didn't hint at it, I said I feel I am transgender, and it was like he was barely interested or something, he never is with anything I tell him, and then he goes and completely forgets, I'm guessing by the next morning.
And now because of that I am just so very deep in the closet, that I'm honestly not positive I'll ever come out.
I've pretty much accepted at this point that I'm gonna live my entire life miserable and alone. Well, not completely alone since what my dad once said is probably gonna come true and I'm gonna end up in some group home after he dies.
And despite how often I imagine my life after, I honestly can't contemplate anymore my life turning out in any other way then what I just described.
,,I'm really sorry about this post and how negative it is, and how stupid I am saying all this, but y'know, I point you up to my first line..

Quote from: Reyes on June 25, 2016, 09:58:02 PM
I wish I could do any of that, sadly I'm a pathetic excuse for a human being.
I'm 28 and I still don't drive, always been scared to, so I have to relay on my parents to go most anywhere, so I can pretty much never go anywhere without them knowing.
And even if I wanted to I never would because I am, I dunno, so set in my ways, or everything I do, what little there is is so expected, that I can't bring myself to do anything different, because whenever I do my parent's decide to make a big deal out of it and I can't stand that.
A few weeks ago I accepted my sister and her friends invite to go to dinner with them, mainly because I have a serious crush on her friend, and honestly if it turns out she's straight I am going to be very disappointed, lol.
But then the next day I'm on the phone with my mom for like an hour with her asking me things about how it was and all that and I just want her to shut up, because it's ridiculous.
I have serious depression, anxiety, panic attacks, very strained nerves, slight ocd, no self esteem, no self confidence, and very slight aspergers, so I'm pretty much one big mess.
And it's all just so unfair because I came out already to him, I didn't hint at it, I said I feel I am transgender, and it was like he was barely interested or something, he never is with anything I tell him, and then he goes and completely forgets, I'm guessing by the next morning.
And now because of that I am just so very deep in the closet, that I'm honestly not positive I'll ever come out.
I've pretty much accepted at this point that I'm gonna live my entire life miserable and alone. Well, not completely alone since what my dad once said is probably gonna come true and I'm gonna end up in some group home after he dies.
And despite how often I imagine my life after, I honestly can't contemplate anymore my life turning out in any other way then what I just described.
,,I'm really sorry about this post and how negative it is, and how stupid I am saying all this, but y'know, I point you up to my first line..

No need to apologize love, I am the queen of negative thinking sometimes!

Two nights ago I sat in the bathtub after shaving my legs staring at the wall thinking how much my life sucks for nearly an hour. I also have ocd, not the fake ocd everyone talks about, I have various ritualistic behaviors that MUST be completed, like touching the right faucet handle with my right hand, then the left with my right hand, then both hands touching both handles among other many other things. No worries there!

I'll tell ya a quick story my great grandma used to tell me before she passed. She read a book about Troy Aikman, the football player, and she would always repeat phrases from the book, I think she had a crush on him, "No matter how difficult and permanent things seem, things change." Was her favorite.

This has always stuck with me.

Things will change.

8 years ago I lived in Florida, then North Carolina, then California and now I'm alone in Houston returning to college for Accounting. I had no idea about any of this, things just change, even sometimes when I didn't want them too.

I don't know you personally, but you seem to be a good person going through a lot. Take it easy on yourself, your doing well for your situation, give yourself some credit!

I honestly feel so much of what you say Reyes, about everything. Of course as everyone says we are all different, but ever since I went through the emotional meat grinder of school I was obsessed with keeping everything 'normal' at home, and that was the biggest barrier to me coming out, since I didn't have a plan for just how transitioning around my parents would work whilst trying to keep things as 'not weird' as possible, which feels a little similar to what you are have been telling us about, wanting to keep everything around the status quo.

Obviously you are free to do as you want, and all we can offer is advise and sympathy, but it sounds very much to me that you know you are deeply unhappy with your life, and I really hope you can find and pursue what you feel can dig you out of that, no matter what. After all, feelings are temporary, but your life is forever (relatively speaking), and you deserve the happiest one possible, and you shouldn't let anything tell you otherwise.

I don't know if any of that meant anything to anyone else but me, but just don't give up hope ok?

Lily

Quote from: Reyes on June 13, 2016, 12:54:48 AM
Thanks everyone who welcomed me. :3

So, to start off, I'm still in the closet, like very very deep, honestly I don't think I'll ever be able to come out.

I only realized I was mtf eight months ago. Before that I actually never even considered that, it ended up being a betrayal by a friend online and something their boyfriend said that I kinda interpreted wrong, but anyway, it didn't end happily, and over the rest of the day I realized maybe the reason it effected me so drastically was, well y'know.

But I've really never been happy, not really, but now I know why, but while I'm fine alone and online, mostly, at this current time I have absolutely no interest in being around anyone in my family because I just get so nervous and uncomfortable.

This last bit, sounds so much like me it´s crazy. I like you am fine alone and online and also i have isolated myself and have never let anyone come close to me, except my mom. never been to close to my dad.

Though i never connected the dots and i still haven´t fully, the thought though came from a customer a female who was brave enough to ask directly if i was transitioning, which at the time hit like a ton of bricks i got all "no no no" of course not i am MAN after all. But the idea lingered and it finally began to express itself when i began college.

But like you i am also still very very much in the closet.

Something I'm very confused about, I really do not understand why sometimes when imaging what my life would be like I absolutely love it, but other times, at random really, when I start to think about coming out and after I start to have like a panic attack filled with nope don't want fear.

Also, Gender Dysphoria is a very weird thing, when it comes to my reflection, I've never liked the way I look, like at all, but now, I dunno, I mean I still don't like it, but what I mean is, I look in the mirror now, and it doesn't even feel I'm looking at my reflection, like I feel no connection whatsoever, and sometimes I get this feeling, I dunno how to describe it, I think like, disconcerting I guess.

We spend our life protecting ourself from others by keeping our secret from others. Over time the fear of someone discovering our secret becomes greater and we are that much more alert that we don't leave clues laying around. When it's no longer required we keep the secret, we still can't let go. I think the most terrifying moment I had was the first time I walked out the door as Dena. I had a therapy appointment I needed to attend so staying home was not an option. Still it took me two tries to open that door and walk out. After that, each trip became easer until the door was no longer a barrier.

Quote from: Reyes on June 27, 2016, 12:19:32 AM
Something I'm very confused about, I really do not understand why sometimes when imaging what my life would be like I absolutely love it, but other times, at random really, when I start to think about coming out and after I start to have like a panic attack filled with nope don't want fear.

Also, Gender Dysphoria is a very weird thing, when it comes to my reflection, I've never liked the way I look, like at all, but now, I dunno, I mean I still don't like it, but what I mean is, I look in the mirror now, and it doesn't even feel I'm looking at my reflection, like I feel no connection whatsoever, and sometimes I get this feeling, I dunno how to describe it, I think like, disconcerting I guess.

I have those feelings to, when im at college and doing the normal day routine i do not hate my life and i am content with how it is, but it´s when i come home and i am alone with my thought´s it really begins. Like with the mirror, i hate that looking back at me, it´s not me.

So yes Gender Dysphoria is weird.

Quote from: Reyes on June 27, 2016, 12:19:32 AM
Also, Gender Dysphoria is a very weird thing, when it comes to my reflection, I've never liked the way I look, like at all, but now, I dunno, I mean I still don't like it, but what I mean is, I look in the mirror now, and it doesn't even feel I'm looking at my reflection, like I feel no connection whatsoever, and sometimes I get this feeling, I dunno how to describe it, I think like, disconcerting I guess.

This seems to be pretty common with us.

Several years ago I did a remodel of our master bath.  At the time, I had a pretty good idea that I secretly wanted a female body, was dressing in secret, and had been this way for decades. In the remodel, without any conscious thought regarding my dysphoria, I got rid of the huge low topped double vanity and wall sized mirror. I installed jack-n-jill high topped single vanities, each with its own oval adjustable tilt mirror.

It wasn't til recently that I consciously realized that the setup made it impossible to see anything below the waist in the mirrors as I walked between the shower and closet. Tricksy subconscious minds...

Quote from: Reyes on June 27, 2016, 12:19:32 AM
Something I'm very confused about, I really do not understand why sometimes when imaging what my life would be like I absolutely love it, but other times, at random really, when I start to think about coming out and after I start to have like a panic attack filled with nope don't want fear.

I totally know what you mean! For me I realised it was because I actually wanted it so badly, like my mind was freaking out because it was striking a very real possibility. I used to search how I felt about hypothetically coming out as something else, like being gay for example, but I never felt a thing, since it didn't apply to me (I think, still working on that bit). But I guess the point of what I am trying to say is not to fear that fear (there's a quote about that somewhere), it might mean that you are close to something really important, and you shouldn't run away from it, no matter how scary it feels

Lily

Once again thanks to everyone for their replies. :3
I have to say, what makes all of this so hard for me is the fact that I already came out, and it's not like the person I told was hit by a bus two minutes later or ended up with amnesia, he forgot.
And then today he basically screws me over again on something different. We all share an amazon prime account, which my father pays for, and a few months ago he had to get a new debit card, so he didn't have one on Amazon anymore, but eventually he got a new card, and about two months ago I started seeing a message at all times on Amazon saying how the Prime membership will be billed in two months.
And I told him, cause my card is the only one on there now, and he said not to worry, that he'll add his card back by then. And I told him several more times since then.
And now today I check my bank account online, and it charged me for the membership.
So I go out to my father, because this is ridiculous, again and again I told him and he never did anything even though he said he would. And I tell him how it took 100 dollars out of my account and now I only have 80 dollars left in there.
And does he apologize? Says he'll pay me back? No. He goes "Why do you only have 80 dollars left?"
Like I'm the one who screwed up here. Never even bothers to apologize or say jack ->-bleeped-<- except question why I only have 80 dollars left.

I don't know the full details of your relationship with your Dad, but to me it sounds like he is very selective about what he wants to acknowledge, which isn't great at all when there is something really important you want to talk to him about. Obviously I'm just saying how things seem from what you've told us, but I'm not surprised that you have strong anxiety about coming out or even talking about your feelings after the only person you chose to confide in turned a blind eye. It is so important to remember though that everyone is different, and there are loads of people who will be a thousand times more supportive than your Father, people like your therapist who only want to help you through all the distress you feel every day.

Lily

Quote from: RenegadeGirl on June 28, 2016, 03:44:01 PM
I don't know the full details of your relationship with your Dad, but to me it sounds like he is very selective about what he wants to acknowledge, which isn't great at all when there is something really important you want to talk to him about. Obviously I'm just saying how things seem from what you've told us, but I'm not surprised that you have strong anxiety about coming out or even talking about your feelings after the only person you chose to confide in turned a blind eye. It is so important to remember though that everyone is different, and there are loads of people who will be a thousand times more supportive than your Father, people like your therapist who only want to help you through all the distress you feel every day.

Lily

No, you pegged him right. Only things he's ever interested in talking about are what he wants to talk about. Whenever I bring something up he's basically groaning he's so uninterested, or he says how that's the way the world is, just forget it, like it shouldn't bother me because the world is ->-bleeped-<- or something.

My father has a tendency to get angry pretty easily, he always says he's not angry, but if you'd hear his voice you'd think he was. So over the years, I've been saying less and less to him because of how it always ends up going bad for me no matter what I say, to the point that now most of what I say is just in my head and never out loud.

And awhile back I confronted him about this, I practically begged him to try and stay calmer when we talk about things like crap in the world, or most recently about my money, and I told him how I've basically become absolutely terrified to say anything to him, because how he sounds at those times scares the crap out of me now, and upsets the hell out of me. And I told him that I don't want to feel like that, like I can't tell him things. And how the last time I told him something, it didn't even turn out badly and I felt like I was having a panic attack. And it was just about a game I bought on sale. For 16 dollars.

And how does he respond? By doing exactly what I begged him, pleaded with him basically, not to do. And not even about what I was saying, no, it's like he didn't hear a word I said, probably because he really doesn't give two flying ->-bleeped-<-s how I feel about anything, no, he goes off on how, You have to save your money better! You don't need to buy anything, it doesn't matter if you want it!

So yeah, he's basically a piece of ->-bleeped-<-. And he doesn't even believe he is whatsoever. I sure as hell am never gonna mention it, knowing how badly telling him that other thing went.

QuoteThis seems to be pretty common with us.

Several years ago I did a remodel of our master bath.  At the time, I had a pretty good idea that I secretly wanted a female body, was dressing in secret, and had been this way for decades. In the remodel, without any conscious thought regarding my dysphoria, I got rid of the huge low topped double vanity and wall sized mirror. I installed jack-n-jill high topped single vanities, each with its own oval adjustable tilt mirror.

It wasn't til recently that I consciously realized that the setup made it impossible to see anything below the waist in the mirrors as I walked between the shower and closet. Tricksy subconscious minds...

My minds kinda the exact opposite, I can't stop obsessing and looking at things that upset me, it's why I try to avoid the mirror as much as possible, cause if I look I'll end up standing there fretting over how much it bothers me for several minutes. And taking showers have basically become miserable for me. Which really sucks as I take one every day. It's the only way I can wake up.

I'm just looking my body over all, ugh, especially my chest, I hate how flat it is, and I'm constantly looking down at it, or I'm like squeezing the skin on my chest together to like, like pinching, and it's not the same obviously, but when I look down while doing that my chest isn't flat, and it feels good for a moment. But it's every shower like this.

I've never been able to stop looking at things that upset me. It's like, very minor example, that Kevin Smith movie Tusk. When I first watched the trailer, the plotline upset me so much, and I knew there was no way in hell I ever wanted to see that movie. And I still haven't, and never will. But every so often since then I find myself either looking up details on the plot, or once even images of what the ending looks like, and everytime it upsets the hell out of me, and yet eventually I still look again. Though maybe not for Tusk, but something else, but my point still stands.

Okay, so in an extreme funk right now, well, depression really, so I'm gonna post what I'm feeling here, cause, well, that's why I made this thread.

Okay, so I can't stand this, my mind pretty much never stops thinking, its always gotten annoying some times, I can't seem to shut it off no matter what, I think it's like the only aspect of aspergers I got stuck with. But I just, when I start, which is pretty often I just can't stop thinking about what I'm going through and it makes me so miserable because I just can't tell anyone, I don't even know the exact reason, just sometimes I get gripped with such fear, or panic, or whatever that makes my throat feel like it's tightening up, and I start repeating I can't, I can't, and that I have to live my life as a guy as best as I possibly can, and I'm not trans, I'm not trans, even though I know I am but I'm like in panic mode so.

I mean I can't stand living this way every single day unable to shut up my overactive mind, I just wish the world would decide to either let me have this, I don't know how but any way is good. Or just wipe every last thought about the fact that I am out of my mind. I'll still end up being miserable my whole life, but at least I'll go back to not knowing why, it was so much easier then..

 Your post made me go over your posting history and I caught something I hadn't picked up on before. I could be wrong on this but some of what you describe is Fluid gender/Bigender. I have a few links you might want to look at and see if they match what you feel. The first is our WIKI  (https://www.susans.org/wiki/Transgender) and you only need to click on the Bigender link. The next two links were when I was first learning about this identity so there is a good deal of give and take in the posting. Let me know what you think.

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,202966.0.html

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,201219.0.html

No, no, that doesn't fit me.

I don't feel one gender sometimes and another other times, I feel the same all the time.

It's just sometimes I start panicking at random, and sometimes when that happens, I'm repeating I'm not trans, I was wrong in my head, even though at the back of my mind I know that's not true.

I am a idiot! //slams head against wall

That's just to illustrate how much I hate myself right now, I didn't actually do it so don't worry.

Today was my second appointment with my psychologist and just like the first time I choked up and couldn't get myself to say anything about all this...

Mod Edit:Language

It may sound trite, but try writing it down.  Just hold the paper in your hand when you go in for the next appointment.  If you can, hand it to the therapist, but don't hide the paper.  Keep it visible.  It may prompt you to say something, or read it about, or the therapist may ask you about it.  It's a relatively passive way to bring up a topic.

I've done this to keep from getting myself sidetracked. (Really, avoiding an issue by running out the clock talking about something, anything else.)

I've considered doing that as well, but I'm to much of, as I said earlier, a cowardly pathetic excuse for a human being to even do that.

Pretty much at this point no matter how much I may hate the fact, and how much I may fight myself on it, I'm pretty much guaranteed to live my entire life alone and miserable.

I mean I can hardly voice my opinion when it comes to where we go out to eat on Sundays for Christs sake.

If I were to be attached to a conveyor belt, with a rope around my leg pulling me into a giant trash compactor, and the only way I could get out of it would be to cut off the rope, but in doing so I'd slice my leg open, like in one of those games in the Saw movies, I wouldn't even be able to do that and just get eaten by the thing.

I seriously thank you all for your posts, but you have far to much belief in me, there's just nothing there. You shouldn't waste your time on me, I'm a lost cause.

Sorry about last night, I have a hard time doubting what I said on the alone thing.

But I really shouldn't of been so negative last night, I was in a pretty dark moment.

You may of noticed by now but I'm really not a positive person at all. lol

I think it's ok to vent about how you're feeling somewhere instead of just bottling it up. It does make me sad to keep hearing you call yourself pathetic though, since it feels like you're using everyone else's standards, and ignoring that there is a huge amount of distress you are dealing with that would make life a struggle for anyone. It might come off like I'm being nice because it 'sounds right', but I honestly believe that you should give yourself some slack, since anyone would be in a similar position to you when wrestling with the foundations of who they are.

Lily

The transition is not simple and emotions can end up tearing you in two. The good news is if you continue to deal with them, they will be resolved and you will never have to face them again. I may look like I have it really put together and I have but many years ago I was pretty much in the same place you are. I had all my issues taken care of before surgery and have never had to deal with them again. You are here to do the same and there will be a few setbacks. We understand and we are here when you need us.

Quote from: suzifrommd on June 14, 2016, 06:58:54 PM
Is it possible you have some shame about transitioning?

I sure did. "What would they think of me?" I sort of had the sense they'd see me as someone who couldn't curb my urges or something. It wasn't until I actually started the process and realized what a challenge it was that I started becoming proud of myself for coming through the other end.

I just realized recently that what you describe these is indeed exactly what I feel a good amount of the time.

Y'know, it's weird, and I don't fully understand it, but my whole life I've really never liked myself to much. Maybe I did at one point, who knows, I just can't remember any point where I did.

And yet, and I just realized I'd been feeling this for awhile today, but despite being absolutely miserable a good amount of basically every day, and despite occasionally getting in a funk where I think horrible things about myself, despite all of that, there also, like in the back, it's small which is why I just realized what it was, but. And the fact that I'm still miserable even after realizing this that confuses me, but I actually like myself for once.

My whole life as Robert I've hated myself, but even though I'm only her in my mind and online thus far, and for who knows how long, if anything ever happens, I love Regan so much.

It's not weird.  I'm convinced that self-loathing is a big factor in gender dysphoria.  I know that I hate seeing my male self and I loathe having to be Michael, to the point of self-destruction.  As Michelle, I'm very happy with myself, and I actually love life.  Alas, I can't be Michelle all the time.

Gods, Sundays are always the worse, which I'm sure is about completely to do with being around my family all day, when usually I only see them a few minutes a day due to almost never leaving my room anymore.

Just a few minutes ago I really don't know if I was actually thinking of transitioning, or coming out, can't really remember if I was thinking of anything honestly, and then I just get this like stab of fear that's like so intense and centered around the thought of them knowing like after I come out or whatever. And yet all day I feel worse and worse about how I want to so badly and yet I somehow just know I can never get myself to do so, and all the hating everything about myself and the way I look and always towards my father for forgetting that time, and how uninterested he seemed at the time.

And I honestly don't know what to do, but in another two weeks we're going on vacation together, which means four hours in a car with them non stop, and then a week in a hotel where I don't have a room to go in to avoid them, which means sitting in the same room with them whenever we're in the room.

If I feel so godawful after only four hours with them how in the hell am I going to survive a whole week.

This is not a cure but it buys time. I always have thought projects or book that I can lose my self in, you will have to show your face for family activities but when you can, retreat to your own mind. In my case it was science fiction or one of my hobbies. If you game on a laptop, that could be an option for you.

I still use it sometimes when I have to wait for a doctor appointment or I have to kill a few minutes because of an unexpected delay.

I try to keep myself occupied as much as possible, still doesn't always help though, especially with my sisters kid always making distracting noise, and then the Uncle Robert talk from people to her which I just hate hearing.

Though really the baby is pretty much the only family member I have that I feel any kind of familial connection to anymore. But considering she isn't even a year old that could just be because of the cuteness factor.

Oh, and thought I'd post this here, but, https://www.ivona.com/ (https://www.ivona.com/)

It's a free text to speech online thing, I guess showing off some tablet app, but you can type stuff in and pick an accent, my favorite is English, British, Amy. For some reason the American ones sound like Siri.

But anyway, using it I heard my name said out loud for the first time by another voice besides my own and it I guess felt good, kinda hard to tell how things feel at times, but it didn't feel bad so.

Today's been a good day, no horrible thoughts, really I've barely thought about it at all. Honestly it actually worries me how little I've thought on it. lol

EDIT: Addition to this, I think the reason is because last night, my father was in my room doing some work on the cabinets in the small tiny hall to my bathroom, and I dunno, by the end it kinda, like things felt more how they used to. I've still been jumpy and not exactly great today at certain points, but things feel more like they did.

Of course I'm sure once all the feelings start coming back as they always do in the end that'll go away, lol.

I am so very confused right now, lol. As I said earlier I haven't been thinking about things much at all today, and now I find myself feeling horrible that I haven't felt horrible today. lol

Welp, I was right about how good I felt yesterday coming back to bite me in the ass. Been feeling absolutely horrid today, basically the opposite of yesterday.


Y'know earlier today, I couldn't help but wonder how blind I was. For years now, since I believe the last year or so of high school, maybe before that, not really sure. I know it's pretty much been since I discovered this one game X-Change. I've so many times while either in the shower, or before bed, thinking how I wish there was some kind of pill that changed your gender, or like in some comics I had the ability to switch back and forth at will, and sometimes before bed I would wish I would somehow wake up the next morning as a girl, and everyone would remember me being so my whole life even though I remember that not being the case.

And these two webcomics I read that feature a male character turned female at the start of the series and something going on through it is trying to turn back but being unable to and I'm always like, why?

Plus I've always loved the idea of being in a lesbian relationship, I always cared more about those, any ship I have is between two women, never a man and woman, like ever.

And yet until November of last year I never once gave any of that a second thought, never even considered it was anything. I dunno.

Quick question, been wondering if this is part of the gender dysphoria. But at times when I like, see how certain aspects of myself would look after transitioning, like in my current avi, ((Please excuse the clothes, sadly I've been stuck with a sister with horrid tastes and there's no one else)) and I dunno, it's odd, it feels good, I love it, and yet at the same time there's this slightly unnerved feeling running through it.

Like when I look at people transition timelines, I love looking through them, seeing how good things went for all these people, and wishing I could be one of them, and yet once again at the same time there's like this feeling in my throat, like it's tightening slightly, I dunno.

So yeah, I can't tell if it's my depression that's causing the unnervedness, or the dysphoria, or both are the same thing and they're both causing it or what. :3

Real downer post ahead, sorry about this.

I just can't stand being around my family anymore, it's been getting more and more noticeable for awhile now, but they just have absolutely no faith in me, no belief that I can do literally anything anymore. Just years and years of them commenting on how I can't do anything, even though I can, but I'm never able to say any of that because all I'll get it then why don't you do it more, and they say how, when we're gone how are you going to take care of yourself.

And commenting on how I have no life, and I've never done anything, and my sister all through our teens going on about how ugly I am and how no one would ever wanna marry me, and her going on now about how I don't do anything, everytime someone tells her to get a job, she just says, don't tell me, tell him, and how I have no friends, no life, I can't even say anything to her without her getting annoyed and telling me to shut up, or leave her alone.

And they go on about how Oh we love you, but it's always in that sickly sweet fake tone, like they're being condescending or something, they never say it like they do towards my sister.

And everytime I see my mother she questions me on, why aren't you done with your book yet, it's been months you should be done, and I just want to say, you can't write an entire book in a few months, it takes time, but I don't, I'm just not able to bring myself to say it, I just say quietly how No, I'm not, because it's what they would expect. That's pretty much the only things I do say or do, what they would expect at this point.

For so long I've wanted to just move out already, but I would never say that, I just can't, it's not anything they would think I would say, like so many other things I wish I could just do already, but I can't ever get myself to say any of it, and more and more of it just gets internalized to the point where if I was the person in my head around them they wouldn't even recognize me. But I want to be that person, but.

I mean, how am I even supposed to have faith in myself, believe in myself, if they don't. I mean hell, my father doesn't even believe I'll ever move out at this point, he just said the other day how when he eventually dies, he hopes not for at least another 20 years, that'll I'll be able to stay living here. He didn't even bother to say, if I'm still living here I can stay, no he says I can stay living here, like he doesn't believe I'll ever move out at this point.

And I don't blame him, I don't anymore either, I've just wasted so much time being a coward and doing nothing and being stupid that it's just to late now, I'm going to end up living here in this house for another 60 or so years, during which time I'll probably grow old looking like my father which if so I hope I get that macular degeneration thing my grandfather had by then so I'm to blind to ever see myself. Or if god decides to smile on me, maybe when we go out sunday we'll get in a car accident and I'll die on impact...

Huh, for the first time ever a few hours ago I looked up out of curiosity, images of the surgery process and all that.

And well, first off I will say some of those images had me going ew. But at the same time I wasn't bothered what so ever. Looking through them didn't change my desire to have it done one day at all. And quite a few of them were pretty graphic to! :3

So, this is great, she said sarcastically.

I spilt some soda on my keyboard, first time I've ever done that to. And now the laptop is all screwed up to high heaven. Whenever I click a key, the computer registers like 10 different keys having been clicked as well. And very sadly there's no way to open my laptop to clean the keyboard, so I probably won't be on very much for I don't know how long. The only device I have now is my tablet and typing is agonizingly slow so I'll rarely be doing so sadly. I hope to speak to you all again as soon as possible.

I TOLD MY THERAPIST!! :D

That is fantastic. Congrats. Hugs
Mariah

Quote from: Reyes on July 22, 2016, 06:25:56 PM
I TOLD MY THERAPIST!! :D

Thank you!

Sadly I don't actually know if I'll be seeing her again. She told me today that's she's starting her own practice. That's actually what gave me the push to tell her. I was like extremely on edge the whole time, made even more so by the fact that how she was talking about starting her own practice was strangely the same as what I'm going through, lol.

So finally with like five minutes left I think she was going to say alright you can go or whatever, but, and I don't even know how I actually managed it, but I asked for a piece of paper and a pen, I thought writing it down might be easier, but I was basically sitting there super stressed out, unable to bring myself to even touch the pen to the paper before finally I just gave up and said, yeah writing it down isn't going to work. In November I realized I was Transgender.

And I didn't even like stutter, or say it quietly or anything, and when saying the words, it felt good. Well, it felt a mixture of good and oh god no what am i doing, lol, so that's still a bit confusing. Even now I feel that way, glad I told her, and all why did I do that, at the same time. The fear of telling my family didn't change though, that's still just as terrifying to think about.

But anyway, after she starts her own practice, at the beginning of august, so pretty soon, but we'll see if she takes my insurance, and if so I'll continue to go to her at the new location, that would be preferable as I really like her, but if she doesn't, or until she does, she's still in the process of getting approved to take various insurances or something, I'm going to be seeing the other woman in the office. She said that she's very good, and though she didn't say anything cause of patient/doctor and all that, she basically implied that she sees one or more people who are transgender.

And she asked me if it was okay if she told the other doctor what I told her, and well I said god yes, though not those exact words, I mean it was only the thought that what if I never see her again that gave me the push I needed, I don't want to have to be all nervous and never talking again for who knows how long, so it'll be easier that way, her already knowing.

Quote from: Reyes on July 22, 2016, 06:25:56 PM
I TOLD MY THERAPIST!! :D

Oh, Reyes! That is wonderful.  I know that must have been very hard for you, but it gets better from here.  Just sharing such a burden with someone is a big step.

Congratulations!

Thank you Michelle!

Oh, and this is for everyone who sees this, you can call me Regan. I actually wish I could change my usename to it but.

Changing your user name is what moderators are for. Decide on a name and check it with the members tab on the upper right had corner of the screen to make sure it's not a duplicate. Once you have the name, let me know and you will receive an Email that you will use to reactivate your account after the change has been made.

Huh, so I'm not sure, but did I have like a mini nervous breakdown today?

Before dinner I got extremely aggravated with how my family was treating me, better detailed in another thread I made today, but it really wasn't any worse then usual, but I dunno what happened, I went to the bathroom to get ready, but when I finished I didn't leave the bathroom, I stopped just before the door and I just sank down to the floor hugging my knees to my chest and with my head between my legs. And I knew I had to get up, they were waiting, but I just did not want to get up, I didn't want to ever get up again honestly.

And I was like that for almost 15 minutes before I finally forced myself to get up, first by raising my head, and a few minutes later standing. And then for pretty much the rest of the night, especially during dinner, I just felt completely dead inside, I just didn't see the point in arguing with them about anything, and I think I only said like 3 words all through dinner.

Plus for awhile my balance was kinda off, until I sat down in the restaurant. And when I first went outside, walking to the car it was like, I dunno, like my vision was messed up somehow and I felt kinda lightheaded, which did not help with my lose of balance let me tell you.

Honestly I don't know what this was, but in middle school I had a nervous breakdown and curled up at my desk and wouldn't move till they had to basically force me. I think that's how it happened, I don't remember much anymore, I know this like really mean teacher told me she'd spoken to my mom, and the way she said it, I asked what she told her, and she refused to tell me, and I kept asking again and again, and eventually curl.

But yeah, from what I remember this seemed similar but I really don't know. 

I am not sure because I don't think I have ever hand one but it sounds like a Panic Attack (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Panic_attack). They seem to be more common in the transgender population possibly because of the stress we are under before and during the transition.

Regan, that sure sounds like a panic attack. 

Try to get off by yourself for a little while, sit, and focus on breathing, slow deep breaths. Just concentrate on the sensation of air moving in and out.  Close your eyes, and try to visualize the tension and worry draining out from your head.  Let it flow down your arms, out of your body with each breath.  Feel the muscles in your neck and shoulders relax.  Just think about the air moving in and out as you breathe, and focus on that sensation.

Yes, it's a meditation technique, and it may sound trite, but it works.

Y'know I love looking at transistion timelines people post online. So many of them fill me with such hope seeing how much some of them changed, including several who looked so much like me who are now beautiful.

But at the same time, I don't know if it's a negative feeling, or one of those choked up seeing how great it is feelings, but as I look at the images I get this like feeling which I guess is what they call a frog in your throat, the fluctuates from not there to there as I look. What is this feeling?

Quick update on me, today at dinner the place had this frank Sinatra impersonater performing, and the music was so extremely loud you can't even hear yourself talk. So at one point when the music was the loudest it had been, I just said, I'm transgender out loud, said it a number of times. I mean at least I think I said it out loud, the music as I said was very loud, but I felt the vibrations in my throat, so I must of.

I know it's nothing, but.

Okay, so tonight, I was alone in the car with my grandma, and niece, my father and sister were getting something in the supermarket.

And I got the chance to tell her about how I saw online BBC was making a new miniseries of this play she likes. And I also told her how Wicked is getting a movie based on the Musical, and I couldn't believe it, she actually knew what Wicked was, I had no idea, and also apparently it was playing near us, hate that I just hear about that now.

But so then she's talking about how my sister treats her and this and that, and how good our cousin was when she was a teenager and all this, and I swear, while I was talking with her, I honestly feel like some of Regan was coming through while talking with, maybe at least twenty percent of me was Regan. Cause Robert would of never managed to actually say the line Times they are a changing, when talking about how of course my sister is different, they're thirty years apart.

I dunno, I get so aggravated with my grandma so often, and quite a few times over the years, hell, a few times each month, we get in like angry arguments, including my sister, and I get so pissed off, and she gets so angry at us. And yet at certain times when all alone with her, it's easier to talk then when around like my father. Not all the time though. It's kinda rare.

So, weirdest bit of self hate I've had in awhile last night. For some reason for a short while I hated my name. My real name, not my fault birth one, always hated that.

But I love Regan so much, it was a little disconcerting when I felt that.