Susan's Place Transgender Resources

When I was a kid I was overly sensitive and emotional, at least from the perspective of how society feels a boy should behave. I was very depressed and at some point in my late teens it flipped, and I became very numb and jaded inside. It was probably a measure of self-preservation. I developed a wall strong enough to deflect almost anything thrown at it. No insult could touch me. No irritation could phase me. And while the negative emotions I used to feel were numbed into a more tolerable range, I also lost the ability to feel and express positive emotions.

And now 15 years later, I feel completely dead inside. It's hard for me to accurately describe how empty I feel. If I believed in souls I would say I felt like I no longer had one. I have no personality beyond what I mirror from those around me. I barely feel like a real person anymore. There's just nothing there.

Has anyone had any similar experience and more importantly, has anyone ever come back from it?

Semira, unfortunately I know exactly what you mean.  I had developed a strong male persona, and buried myself deep behind it to make sure nobody could see what I really was, something that society and religion denied could exist, was evil, and wrong.  I didn't dare express myself.  Every motion I made, every word I spoke was carefully inspected to make sure if wouldn't give away who was hiding inside.  I felt very empty, almost dead inside.

Others saw this as my being emotionally distant, aloof, and a real stick-in-the-mud, someone who's not much fun to be with or around.  I was isolated, friendless, for all practical purposes a hermit in the middle of a crowd.

Eventually, after several decades, I no longer had the strength and ability to maintain this shield, and I fell apart, in a state of severe suicidal depression.  That's when I called a hotline, and shortly thereafter started therapy for depression, anxiety, and gender dysphoria.  I also came out to my wife at that time, although I was barely coherent.

It's possible to come back from this. I'm getting better.  I'm dismantling the old male persona.  I have good days, and bad days.  The good days are coming more often now, and I smile, and talk to people.  Actual social interaction, from me, not that male automaton.  The bad days often have real causes behind them, lie medical stonewalling, or people refusing to accept me as I am.  I'm rejoining the human race.

Yes, something like that has happened to me and it occurred the first night I attended my therapy group. The walls broke and I was so flooded with emotions and it took a couple of weeks to get over it. If it happens to you the way it did to me, just remember that it will get better and feel free to reach out for help.

Sounds about right.

But you can develop on the inside if you can overcome any self-loathing and learn to appreciate as many moments as you can. As bad as it is to have an imperfect start in life and be stymied by a condition, it's possible to heal and it's possible for the future to bring changes, for someone to enter your life who will fill it up or for you to find something that brings joy. It really is. And it can happen at any moment.

With personality I feel like I never had one as a child and had to first fabricate one, or make one up, and part of me had definitely built on those foundations. Luckily I decided to try an be a bit more noble than the people around me were being, and chose a path of self improvement. You can do it. There'll always be some doubt in there, probably, but ultimately at least you're not lying to yourself about that and you can be all the stronger for building yourself from the ground up, and truly knowing thyself.

Your experience is very similar to my earlyish youth and life thereafter. As a kid I built my first construct to interact with people and raised all manner of shields. Behind those shields I was safe but I too died very slowly without noticing or understanding. I just thought my shields were working as intended. Constructs are incredible in so far as they can emulate other people and even make composites of traits and behaviours. Constantly watching other people to anticipate what you are "supposed" to do next they seem so real unless put into an emotional situation then you just seem detached or aloof but as guy that's almost expected. Funny part as a kid my little brother used to keep saying I was fake and looking back I guess I have to concede he was right about that.

In the end only constructs were left having me going through the motions of life apart from the occasional whisper in mind. I didn't even realise anything was wrong by that point it's just what life was.

Then I got lucky!

A freak incident while ill completely trashed my mental defences leaving only the whisper in my mind..... turned out it was me. It lasted long enough for me to remember who I was and what I had done but even after major repairs to my mind my emotions were still unavailable. Like I knew what I needed to do and the brain was sending signals to parts of me that had been physically disconnected. (It's my "me" theory but it works for me)

Over many months I got to know myself all over again and started to work things out including the simple fact of I was a girl, nothing complicated just I am. T corruption was my conclusion as I was able to separate myself from the male impulses that affected my body and worked on lowering it through diet etc with positive results but only so far you can manipulate your T without drugs.

My answer was Spiro but on its own you get osteoporosis so had to go for E too. Even though I knew I was a girl I was honestly terrified of what E would do to my mind after the damage caused by T but I rolled the dice. Body changes I was looking forward to as I knew my body was wrong and hormones could fix it to a degree but my mind was now me and I really didn't want to go away again.

Once hormones started the changes were remarkable and as impossible as it may be I could feel my neural pathways being rewritten. Lights coming on in the darkness one at a time until my mind was filled with light. Like a total brain rewire some things like dreams came on in as little as 3 days and full emotional restoration came in about 3 months to my childhood levels which was the most I had ever known.

Since then I have continued to develop and mature emotionally and have declared myself to be alive after crying with joy at the Peanuts movie (crying was the last thing to come back I had even wondered if my tearducts were broken).

I can still access all memories created by the constructs/him but they are devoid of all emotional content. Took a long time to go through them and I've gone through loads but tons left so I'm just pulling them as I need them these days. Feels almost matrixy at times like when I needed my geek skills and pulled all my tech memories then could do it lol

Your initial post apart from the jaded bit (I couldn't have felt at all) could have been written by me.

If we are similar then you should have a great time ahead if your reactions to hormones mirror mine.

My life is simple.
I am a girl.
I died without hormones.
I am alive because of them.
To remove them will kill me.

Knowing that makes everything else easy.

For the last 15 years or so I just figured that my life could only go in one of three directions. One, I would just get so depressed that I would kill myself. Two, I would suffer some kind of mental breakdown that would force a change. Or three, I would have to encounter someone capable of breaking my barriers for me because I am not capable of doing it on my own.

I've crossed off option 1. I'm terrified of death and there's no way anything could be strong enough to overcome that fear. Option 2 seems very doubtful to me. I don't have any kind of highs and lows. I'm just one continuous flatline. Very mellow. Always in control. I can't picture my mind breaking in that way. And I'm not very optimistic about option 3. In the past 15 years I've had zero friendships. The odds of me not only befriending someone, but that someone having some kind of supernatural gift to break through me seems about as likely as me winning the lottery.

On many occasions I've actually half-hoped that something bad would happen to me to force some kind of change. I'm so apathetic that I just don't see me ever climbing out of this without some kind of catalyst. There has been 2 instances which kind of got through to me, but neither made any long-term impact. When I was 17 (my walls were probably still fairly new) an event occurred which got me to open up for one day. Several years later there was a minor crack in the armor. Something emotionally powerful left an impression on me that lasted several days. But since then my barriers have been as strong as ever.

I feel fake when I'm around people so when I'm alone it seems like that should be when I can judge my real self. But even when I'm alone, there's nothing there. I live alone and I don't venture out much. Many days can go by without me even seeing another human being. There's plenty of time for me to try to see what the real me is but I can't see anything. I don't hear anything. I'm just as fake alone as I am with other people.

I do still have emotions, they're just very watered down. I can actually cry quite easily if I wanted to, although I prevent myself from doing so. Social customs...blah blah blah. But even when I'm alone I won't allow myself to cry because it gives me a headache. I suffer from headaches a lot as it is and I don't want to give myself any more of them. Any kind of emotional release I might gain from crying would quickly be overshadowed by my pounding head.

I did drag myself to a support group meeting. So that's something I suppose. I'm still looking for a therapist although even if I found one my finances might hinder significant progress in that area. Any headway beyond that will have to be filed under "Wishful Thinking" for now. No insurance, limited funds, and social issues stand in the way.

Quote from: Jerrica on June 25, 2016, 05:08:08 AM
I am a girl.

I'd like to be able to say that one day.

I was convinced I was going to be dead before 40. No explanation just was stone cold certain of it and in all honesty I was looking forward to it. I had done everything I was "supposed" to do and my death would unlock my life insurance setting my family up for life so win:win

Looks like I kinda got option 2 by sheer luck but I'll take it.

The continuous flatline was pointed out to me recently as even after an epic roasting by my boss in the past there wasn't even a twitch from me just..... nothing. As she put it I was never up nor down but like everyone else she just figured "That's just the way he is".

Boy, girl, machine, beast, demon or angel I have had many things in my mind each with their own way of protecting me and helping the constructs but none of them could see what had happened to me.

Makes me kinda useless for helping others as my awakening was a fluke and I can't even explain it. After I was back I was then able to start working everything out but without that spark it would likely never have happened.

Can tell you it would seem I had a similar experience of life to you in some ways and I made a complete recovery then continued to grow. So there is always hope.

Funnily enough I was right about death by 40 as Gerard actually died in his sleep at age 37 during a sudden inexplicable illness ;) Not dead enough to claim life insurance but now I'm back  the only way I'll go down is kicking and screaming.

Nobody can say who or what you are except you.