Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Does anyone see the correlation here? When I get really depressed, and often I do, I want to eat alot more unhealthy foods (burgers, pizza, fries, hot dogs, e.t.c.) than usual as if to bring some comfort and then I get the urge to force myself to puke it up and I don't even know why. My mom did it, so maybe I unconsciously wanna be just like her like my dad always tells me over and over and over and over and over. I think it has to do with the fact that I am abnormally afraid of getting overweight again like I did when I intentionally presented myself as female in the past (which I have recurrent nightmares about returning to one day).

I also think it has to do with me wanting to have a heart attack. Not sure but I plan to really do this in a bit once my step mom buys me some food this evening. I am so miserable that I cannot even concentrate on my seminar and need some kind of relief. I wish there were an alternative. But there isn't. Really. I have tried numerous times to call Trans Lifeline; no answer, as usual. Am I the only one dealing with this? I really don't know. The more dysphoric I get, the more I want to eat, the more I wanna puke, the more I want to die.

Eating is one of the things people do in order to reduce emotional pain. Often we have good emotions attached to some foods and that the reason for the term comfort foods. Most often these food are not the healthiest food but they have a good deal of flavor or some enjoyable memory attached to them. One food that is consider as such is macaroni and cheese. For some people this is the ultimate comfort food. I don't have a pleasant memory associated with it and I often compare it to eating library paste because of all the starch.

When you are in pain, self medication can take many forms and eating is one of them.

Quote from: Dena on July 06, 2016, 07:51:04 PM
Eating is one of the things people do in order to reduce emotional pain. Often we have good emotions attached to some foods and that the reason for the term comfort foods. Most often these food are not the healthiest food but they have a good deal of flavor or some enjoyable memory attached to them. One food that is consider as such is macaroni and cheese. For some people this is the ultimate comfort food. I don't have a pleasant memory associated with it and I often compare it to eating library paste because of all the starch.

When you are in pain, self medication can take many forms and eating is one of them.

For me, my comfort food right now is burger, fries, soda and a chocolate sundae all large. I really like pizza because it is nostalgic; brings back great memories of hanging out with my bro before he got married and left me by myself. Everyone grows up I guess, but I haven't; I am a boy in a woman's body who cries and throws tantrums at the slightest upset when things do not go my way. I feel so sick I have to puke, even if I don't force it. Why do I want to puke so much. I hope I faint and never wake up. Go into a coma and die. Better than living a facade.

At one time I was a woman in a mans body. I didn't cry often because the male role was pounded into me by society that men aren't supposed to cry.  You need to work on making the best of a bad situation because many times in life things don't go the way we want them to. You need to take care of yourself and work your way though school for that day when it will all pay off and you will become the master of your destiny. Like you, I had to put up with a good deal for years but I am proof that it can happen. Just take one small step  at a time and after a while you look back and see how far you have come.

I wish I could Dena. I am not strong like that. I think some of my psychiatric behavior can't even be helped; my mom smoked and drank while pregnant with only me and I am almost certain the doctors gave her DES cause she miscarried right before she had me. I am a freak accident that should be destroyed; a stain on society. I hate being this way. I want to be a normal girl! I don't want to be lesbian, gay, bisexual or trans. I want to be a cisgender female the way I was supposed to be. I swear I just wanna be normal. I hate this. And I am black too. That makes things even worse. You know? I don't know why but it does somehow and I won't get into it.I just wanna feel like a human for once in my life. Ok? "Cheer up!" I wish I could but I can't right now. I am on my last wing here!! :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(

Non of us are strong or brave. Many of the metal of honor winner and heroes felt fear and knew they might die but they saw no other option. They faced their fear and did what needed to be done. One such person is Audie Murphy (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0048729/?ref_=nm_flmg_act_35) who played the lead role in the story of his life. I remember most of the 50's and 60's when the black community fought for the freedom you enjoy today. What we face is difficult but no more so than others have faced. The way we do it is to live one day at a time and each day we make decisions that bring us closer to our goal. In your case, you need to treat your body and mind well so you will be ready when your time comes. The mind is the most difficult but keeping busy and planing your future will help you avoid thinking about your discomfort. It's not easy and sometimes the emotions will slip in but if it's what you really want, you can do it.

Quote from: Dena on July 06, 2016, 08:58:45 PM
Non of us are strong or brave. Many of the metal of honor winner and heroes felt fear and knew they might die but they saw no other option. They faced their fear and did what needed to be done. One such person is Audie Murphy (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0048729/?ref_=nm_flmg_act_35) who played the lead role in the story of his life. I remember most of the 50's and 60's when the black community fought for the freedom you enjoy today. What we face is difficult but no more so than others have faced. The way we do it is to live one day at a time and each day we make decisions that bring us closer to our goal. In your case, you need to treat your body and mind well so you will be ready when your time comes. The mind is the most difficult but keeping busy and planing your future will help you avoid thinking about your discomfort. It's not easy and sometimes the emotions will slip in but if it's what you really want, you can do it.

I don't really even care about being male or female anymore. I just want happiness in my life and I don't have it. As if I am forbidden to feel such an emotion. I don't care about improving my situation. I just want death now so I can sleep. I am tired.

[a big old virtual bear hug]

I find that if I can do just one thing each day for my inner self, can help to make the day bearable; but the struggle can be exhausting.

Sometimes its enough to log in to chat and see the conversations happening, to be reminded that we are not alone.

[off to bring extra blankets for the fort, and a good book]

Sno

Ok.

If you feel like you're stuck and there's absolutely no course of action that will make you feel better, instead focus on making someone else feel better. Some of it might splash back in your direction.

Quote from: Semira on July 06, 2016, 09:51:42 PM
If you feel like you're stuck and there's absolutely no course of action that will make you feel better, instead focus on making someone else feel better. Some of it might splash back in your direction.

Oh, I know! I'll put on a dress, some makeup and high heels and twirl around like a ballerina; that will make EVERYONE around me feel much better and less uncomfortable while making me feel much worse and more uncomfortable. Especially my dad, who really cannot stand LGBT things.

Quote from: King Phoenix on July 06, 2016, 09:55:57 PM
Oh, I know! I'll put on a dress, some makeup and high heels and twirl around like a ballerina; that will make EVERYONE around me feel much better and less uncomfortable while making me feel much worse and more uncomfortable. Especially my dad, who really cannot stand LGBT things.

Well, I was thinking more along the lines of helping other people who are struggling with life in one way or another. Don't do anything that would make you feel worse.

Quote from: Semira on July 06, 2016, 09:58:31 PM
Well, I was thinking more along the lines of helping other people who are struggling with life in one way or another. Don't do anything that would make you feel worse.

I apologize for earlier. I know you meant well, I am just having a hard time seeing anything good in life right now.

please please PLEASE be careful with the purging. Developing an Eating Disorder will only make this harder.... Bulimia will take so much from you.... do you have someone to talk to about all this?

It's very easy to do that when you get depressed, stressed and anxious about things. Just be careful please. bumble breeze is right it will only makes harder and for those of us like you and I with kidney issues even harder. Hugs
Mariah

Quote from: Tristyn on July 06, 2016, 08:34:21 PM
I am a freak accident that should be destroyed; a stain on society. I hate being this way.

I've had the same thoughts, Tristyn. It can get so hard when dealing with dysphoria on top of having depression/anxiety among other things. The day I joined this site I got to such a low point that I was telling myself the same things you were telling yourself. It got so bad I ended up self-harming and damn near knocked myself out. It can feel unbearable when you don't have anyone in your life to support you and accept you as the person you truly are. I started purging too  back in high school, but it wasn't an every day thing. I think I did it often enough to do some damage cause I get crazy bad heartburn and have been having issues with stomach pains; although the stomach issue could be something else (it might have something to do with my interstitial cystitis). My IC is very debilitating and I can't even work or contribute to society because of it. When things get low, I start believing that I'm a stain on society, a waste of space and that somebody struggling worse than me is more deserving of my life. I'm honestly not sure what's kept me going. I guess I've always believed that everybody has a purpose in life to fulfill and that everyone has potential to make a difference. I know I sound like a hypocrite when I say don't harm yourself, but I guess it's cause I don't want anybody to go through the same things I'm going through. I can tell you're a good person and you don't deserve to feel like this, and although I don't have the exact same experience as you, I know how it is to struggle with dysphoria and suicidal thoughts. I wouldn't wish dysphoria and being trans on anybody. Sorry I can't be of much help. :(

Binge eating, yes. Never considered throwing up afterwards. Bulimia is really damaging to a lot of other parts. Food is a coping mechanism for a lot of people, and the only way to stop treating it that way is to change your relationship with it.

It helped for me to see food for what it was - fuel - and to start treating eating like a chore instead of something enjoyable. I stopped buying low quality fuel (no junk food, no soda, very few shelf stable items) and did the math to figure out how much I needed to fill the tank for the day, and what that should look like when spread out over 8 hours. Once a week, I can cheat and have things I love to eat. But that's it - just once a week, and even then, it's in limited quantities.

Fed Up is a good food-related documentary I like. I recommend it to everyone who is struggling with food or their weight. It really changed the views I had on food.

I understand that dysphoria is tough, but what you eat is one of the few things that you have control over and it can actually help you in terms of making small changes to your body.

It's very common. I wouldn't be surprised if it's a biological stress response to binge-eat. I know that when you have to smoke a hive of bees to check it, the bees who assume the hive is on fire immediately move into the parts where they store honey and eat it right away. This is because under stress the first thing they think of doing is to consume fuel for the coming stress of having no hive and nowhere to live. In humans, I think a similar mechanism plays out, although more subtly than with the bees, especially in the modern day when life itself is more subtle in terms of how we live and how we become stressed. Many people usually don't need to worry about never having any food again in our modern nations, but the wiring of the brain isn't from modern times... it's from caveman times and before when food was scarce. When a person is stressed it can put their body not only into binge-mode but fuel-saving (weight gain) mode too.

Unfortunately modern food isn't designed for human bodies. It's full of sugar and sugar is bad news all around in the quantities we now consume it. We were never built to eat so much of it.

I'm pretty much resigned to the idea that loving food - esp. junk food - is an addiction that some of us are going to have to break from or suffer the consequences. And I love eating. But in the end, a lot of diseases come from eating too much and I'm just going to have to begin to build self-control toward eating. And sadly, I think it's going to be a lifelong struggle - there's a lot of delicious food out there that I want, but the only way to maintain health is going to be to limit calories.   

Quote from: Tristyn on July 06, 2016, 07:10:55 PM
Does anyone see the correlation here? When I get really depressed, and often I do, I want to eat alot more unhealthy foods (burgers, pizza, fries, hot dogs, e.t.c.) than usual as if to bring some comfort and then I get the urge to force myself to puke it up and I don't even know why. My mom did it, so maybe I unconsciously wanna be just like her like my dad always tells me over and over and over and over and over. I think it has to do with the fact that I am abnormally afraid of getting overweight again like I did when I intentionally presented myself as female in the past (which I have recurrent nightmares about returning to one day).

I also think it has to do with me wanting to have a heart attack. Not sure but I plan to really do this in a bit once my step mom buys me some food this evening. I am so miserable that I cannot even concentrate on my seminar and need some kind of relief. I wish there were an alternative. But there isn't. Really. I have tried numerous times to call Trans Lifeline; no answer, as usual. Am I the only one dealing with this? I really don't know. The more dysphoric I get, the more I want to eat, the more I wanna puke, the more I want to die.

They are called "Comfort Foods" for a reason. 

Some reasons are more perverse then others. I am a former fatty. By some odd reason I started packing on the pounds as a kid not long after mom told me in no uncertain terms boys do not wear skirts or dresses. Me and my body has had a hate-hate relationship for a long long time.

Near the end of uni, thanks to a major illness I had dropped 50 or so lbs. The following summer with hard work out in the sun I dropped another 50. So I was well in the normal range but still hated my body, and being in it.

Seven years ago I needed to take the trans beast on for real. During the preceding 3 months I had packed on 30 lbs. I was a few tick marks away from topping 200lbs, a territory I swore NEVER to be in again. What got me to realize the root cause was being more depressed over not being able to fit into my female wardrobe if I wanted to.

I came a long way since then. I now have a body I am happy to be in. Not perfect but far better  ;D, I can even look in mirrors now. Due to many compromises as I seek balance in my life I need to live and present primarily as male. During the early years I had many what am I doing meltdowns, these days few.

I know when the dysphoria is peaking is when the binge eating, and drinking, starts to ramp up. It doesn't take much more then a deep lung full of air passing a bakery for me to gain 2-3 lbs. Going off my regimented feed shows up fast during my daily weigh ins. I tend to think it is a sub-conscious means of derailing my progress and the 'Old Me' wanting to drag me back into that lifeless soulless abyss I lived in.

If I once again hate being me, hate living inside my body, then the bigger questions about life and a future no longer matter. I'm just that lifeless, soulless 'Thing' once again that existed only to do "What is expected". No hopes, no wishes, no dreams. They only cause pain in the end

Quote from: FTMax on July 16, 2016, 11:39:30 AM
It helped for me to see food for what it was - fuel - and to start treating eating like a chore instead of something enjoyable. I stopped buying low quality fuel (no junk food, no soda, very few shelf stable items) and did the math to figure out how much I needed to fill the tank for the day, and what that should look like when spread out over 8 hours. Once a week, I can cheat and have things I love to eat. But that's it - just once a week, and even then, it's in limited quantities.

I dealt with an unspecified eating disorder (anorexia/binging/exercising/fasting). In a twisted way, my old eating habits similarity lines up to how your healthy eating is now (healthy food all week, eat what I want one day at the end, food is fuel type of thing). I eventually stopped eating, but yeah. I eat mostly "normal" now, but definitely not what is considered healthy. I'm afraid if I attempt to eat healthy and exercise, I'll spiral back into my habits from three years ago. Not to mention exercise itself now causes panic attacks from old thought patterns.... :P I know I need a therapist, I'm working on the process with insurances.
I don't know how you are, but if you were ever fearful of spiraling, did it ever reach a point where you didn't fear that anymore?
----------
Apologies to Tristyn for the slight derail. To your post though, I tend to want to eat unhealthy stuff when I get dysphoric around "that time of the month". Most other times I just end up in a panic attack and avoid food for a few hours. Basically it sucks no matter which form of eating disorders one has. As a few others have said, eating is one of the countless ways to help people cope with their inner demons. Short term, the only thing I can recommend trying to reach a point where your body isn't going to be harmed. Binging/Purging/Starving/etc can all affect how the body is long term, and can make transitioning and recovery harder or even impossible. As much as it sucks, I would rather be a bit fat for a while than ruin my chances of top surgery. Long term, I've heard that therapy and meds can help (but I'm not one to quote that right now). Good luck and please stay safe.

Quote from: sigsi on July 17, 2016, 01:05:01 AM

Quote from: FTMax on July 16, 2016, 11:39:30 AM
It helped for me to see food for what it was - fuel - and to start treating eating like a chore instead of something enjoyable. I stopped buying low quality fuel (no junk food, no soda, very few shelf stable items) and did the math to figure out how much I needed to fill the tank for the day, and what that should look like when spread out over 8 hours. Once a week, I can cheat and have things I love to eat. But that's it - just once a week, and even then, it's in limited quantities.

I dealt with an unspecified eating disorder (anorexia/binging/exercising/fasting). In a twisted way, my old eating habits similarity lines up to how your healthy eating is now (healthy food all week, eat what I want one day at the end, food is fuel type of thing). I eventually stopped eating, but yeah. I eat mostly "normal" now, but definitely not what is considered healthy. I'm afraid if I attempt to eat healthy and exercise, I'll spiral back into my habits from three years ago. Not to mention exercise itself now causes panic attacks from old thought patterns.... :P I know I need a therapist, I'm working on the process with insurances.
I don't know how you are, but if you were ever fearful of spiraling, did it ever reach a point where you didn't fear that anymore?

For me, the big concern is stress eating. My job is pretty stressful, and my life in general right now is causing me a lot of anxiety so there is a big risk of turning back to old habits. I have a very specific weight goal I need to be at, and I have a fairly specific timeline for when that needs to be achieved by (for surgery). I'm not sure whether or not my eating habits will change after I've reached that goal. I do feel a lot better in general, more energy, no fatigue, bloating, or stomach issues like I previously had. So having that positive anecdotal "data" for me, makes it an easier decision to at least stay mindful of what and how much I'm consuming - not necessarily from a weight loss or weight maintenance standpoint, but from a point of overall health.

The only thing I've ever struggled with, and have "fallen off the bandwagon" with has been my self control. I'm out and about for most of my work day in a very large city, so good food is readily available just about everywhere, and it's heavily advertised. It's super tempting to tell myself, "Oh, I could pop into this shop and grab a sandwich. I have a sandwich in my bag, but this one looks great and I can just eat this one in place of the one I have." Especially if I'm stressed out, my self control in those kind of situations is very low. So it's something I've had to be mindful of. All calories aren't created equal. This was partially why I built a cheat day into my schedule. It's much easier to convince my brain that I don't need that sandwich when I know I'm having cake on Sunday.

Stress eating was my issue as well. It quickly adds on the pounds too. It can be rather stressful in my house and so it can really drive me to food quick sometimes. Hugs
Mariah

Quote from: FTMax on July 17, 2016, 10:07:33 AM
I dealt with an unspecified eating disorder (anorexia/binging/exercising/fasting). In a twisted way, my old eating habits similarity lines up to how your healthy eating is now (healthy food all week, eat what I want one day at the end, food is fuel type of thing). I eventually stopped eating, but yeah. I eat mostly "normal" now, but definitely not what is considered healthy. I'm afraid if I attempt to eat healthy and exercise, I'll spiral back into my habits from three years ago. Not to mention exercise itself now causes panic attacks from old thought patterns.... :P I know I need a therapist, I'm working on the process with insurances.
I don't know how you are, but if you were ever fearful of spiraling, did it ever reach a point where you didn't fear that anymore?


For me, the big concern is stress eating. My job is pretty stressful, and my life in general right now is causing me a lot of anxiety so there is a big risk of turning back to old habits. I have a very specific weight goal I need to be at, and I have a fairly specific timeline for when that needs to be achieved by (for surgery). I'm not sure whether or not my eating habits will change after I've reached that goal. I do feel a lot better in general, more energy, no fatigue, bloating, or stomach issues like I previously had. So having that positive anecdotal "data" for me, makes it an easier decision to at least stay mindful of what and how much I'm consuming - not necessarily from a weight loss or weight maintenance standpoint, but from a point of overall health.

The only thing I've ever struggled with, and have "fallen off the bandwagon" with has been my self control. I'm out and about for most of my work day in a very large city, so good food is readily available just about everywhere, and it's heavily advertised. It's super tempting to tell myself, "Oh, I could pop into this shop and grab a sandwich. I have a sandwich in my bag, but this one looks great and I can just eat this one in place of the one I have." Especially if I'm stressed out, my self control in those kind of situations is very low. So it's something I've had to be mindful of. All calories aren't created equal. This was partially why I built a cheat day into my schedule. It's much easier to convince my brain that I don't need that sandwich when I know I'm having cake on Sunday.

What is also upsetting for me is how my dad constantly reminds me of my mom's past errors, as if I am either somehow the cause of them happening or as if I alone can somehow fix them. Like just yesterday, the mere mentioning of my vomiting, due to medicine and not bulimia, sent him into the past and he immediately brought up my mom in a disgraceful manner about her own bulimia. So instead of arguing, I politely asked him to change topics and after a sarcastic comment he finally stopped his tirade rant against my mom. He talks about her addictions as if they are current and as if she decided to do them (like drinking, smoking, the bulimia). Just no support or sympathy what soever.....and he claims to still be in love with her even now while being married to another woman with whom he is separated from right now. What a class-A moron he is!

I wanted to punch him, but realized that he is not worth going to jail over. He has no idea I have this. He has no idea that it can be genetic and that it is not something people choose to do. He is a major contributor to my stress. He obviously suffers, not only from narcissism, but severe PTSD. It is so dreadfully annoying it makes me want to end my life sometimes. I am tired of being told that I never do anything right, that this and that would not have happened if I did this or that, that I should have done this or that....should, should, should, would, did,....he is a depressed sack of nothing cause he lives in past tense. He doesn't even live in the present. It is so pathetic that it makes me sick to my stomach!

I'm sorry to hear how your dad is. Mine (who i live with as well) says hurtful offensive things too. Just the other day he called my depression 'a funny turn' and he's never been supportive of anything I do and always gives mixed messages. Like your dad he lives in the past by mentioning his anxiety of mixing with people from work and his ability to get over it; like that's comparable to my social anxiety in any way. But I'm starting to learn to ignore him and live my own life. Which from your posts I can see you now doing which is great :).

In the past I had what could be classed as a food disorder; although I didn't realise it at the time. Through college at 16 I constantly ate junk food to help my depression. Through the years I stop doing that then start again. Around xmas time I had a really bad depression filled few months and couldn't stop myself from eating junk food. Now I'm better again. Antidepressants and therapy has helped a lot.

Quote from: Elis on July 18, 2016, 05:21:02 AM
I'm sorry to hear how your dad is. Mine (who i live with as well) says hurtful offensive things too. Just the other day he called my depression 'a funny turn' and he's never been supportive of anything I do and always gives mixed messages. Like your dad he lives in the past by mentioning his anxiety of mixing with people from work and his ability to get over it; like that's comparable to my social anxiety in any way. But I'm starting to learn to ignore him and live my own life. Which from your posts I can see you now doing which is great :).

In the past I had what could be classed as a food disorder; although I didn't realise it at the time. Through college at 16 I constantly ate junk food to help my depression. Through the years I stop doing that then start again. Around xmas time I had a really bad depression filled few months and couldn't stop myself from eating junk food. Now I'm better again. Antidepressants and therapy has helped a lot.

Hey man, thanks for understanding :)

I'm glad that there are people who really get it. In fact, thank you all so much.

I am trying so very hard to ignore that father of mine, Elis. It feels like he really wants to push my buttons but I don't give in to it like I did when I was younger. Like every day is an opportunity for me to become wiser and stronger in my transgender identity, as well as my other identities. I'm sorry to hear that your dad is like mine. I hear lots of people say it is normal for dads to act that way. But I disagree. Dads should protect us, not discourage us and put us down as if we are the lowest scum of the earth. All the more reason to cut off my own dad.

I hope things have truly improved for you with the antidepressants and therapy. I can't seem to find either one that is a perfect fit for me....

Quote from: Tristyn on July 06, 2016, 09:05:10 PM
I don't really even care about being male or female anymore. I just want happiness in my life and I don't have it. As if I am forbidden to feel such an emotion. I don't care about improving my situation. I just want death now so I can sleep. I am tired.

It really does get better than this. I was just like you. I hoped not to wake up every time I went to bed because life felt like a burden. It really does get better, though.

I had to change some things. Change of career. Different job. Lifestyle stuff. Riding a bike to work did wonders for my mental health. Dating somebody with a higher maturity level than who I'd been dating before. And that was all before I transitioned (although I did put off transition longer than I should have ... guess I was afraid to deal with it).

I would not fixate on being a cis female. It will never happen; you have a male brain. There is no way to turn a male brain into a female brain and you wouldn't want to try. You wouldn't be you any more if they cut up your brain. The good news is the same hormones that can give your brain a boost also change your body to better align with your body map, a 1-2 punch against dysphoria. I would not dismiss what HRT can do for you. I had so many vague "illnesses" and they were all caused by high Estrogen levels (and Progesterone), but I and my doctors kept attributing it to other things--mood disorder, allergies, maybe it could be my blood sugar or my thyroid (tests proved it wasn't either one of those). I thought maybe I had a mitochondrial disorder because I was fatigued all the time. Maybe it was viral syndrome. I read up about "adverse childhood events" (lord knows I had plenty of those), convinced I was somaticizing my childhood to be miserable and sick as an adult. Nope, nope, nope. It was the hormones all along. They profoundly affected my health and ability to cope.

It helped me for a long time to try to find ways to accept my body, to accept my role as a male with a female body. It wasn't a panacea but it bought me time until I was able to transition. I didn't think every day "I wish I were cis". I just said to myself "there's nothing wrong with my body, I can accept what's good about it even if I secretly wish I didn't look like this."

Quote from: AnxietyDisord3r on July 18, 2016, 05:46:27 AM
It really does get better than this. I was just like you. I hoped not to wake up every time I went to bed because life felt like a burden. It really does get better, though.

I had to change some things. Change of career. Different job. Lifestyle stuff. Riding a bike to work did wonders for my mental health. Dating somebody with a higher maturity level than who I'd been dating before. And that was all before I transitioned (although I did put off transition longer than I should have ... guess I was afraid to deal with it).

I would not fixate on being a cis female. It will never happen; you have a male brain. There is no way to turn a male brain into a female brain and you wouldn't want to try. You wouldn't be you any more if they cut up your brain. The good news is the same hormones that can give your brain a boost also change your body to better align with your body map, a 1-2 punch against dysphoria. I would not dismiss what HRT can do for you. I had so many vague "illnesses" and they were all caused by high Estrogen levels (and Progesterone), but I and my doctors kept attributing it to other things--mood disorder, allergies, maybe it could be my blood sugar or my thyroid (tests proved it wasn't either one of those). I thought maybe I had a mitochondrial disorder because I was fatigued all the time. Maybe it was viral syndrome. I read up about "adverse childhood events" (lord knows I had plenty of those), convinced I was somaticizing my childhood to be miserable and sick as an adult. Nope, nope, nope. It was the hormones all along. They profoundly affected my health and ability to cope.

It helped me for a long time to try to find ways to accept my body, to accept my role as a male with a female body. It wasn't a panacea but it bought me time until I was able to transition. I didn't think every day "I wish I were cis". I just said to myself "there's nothing wrong with my body, I can accept what's good about it even if I secretly wish I didn't look like this."

I think I can relate for sure with how you felt prior to you being on hormones. Like everyone I have seen for mental health never once thought that my low levels of T is having an effect on me in negative ways. I don't want to think so much about trying to be normal anymore, cause it ain't gonna happen. I need to learn to love and accept myself for who I am, regardless of this body. My female body is not who I am. And I know this and as long as I know then I'm ok.

Quote from: Tristyn on July 18, 2016, 04:49:21 AM
What is also upsetting for me is how my dad constantly reminds me of my mom's past errors, as if I am either somehow the cause of them happening or as if I alone can somehow fix them. Like just yesterday, the mere mentioning of my vomiting, due to medicine and not bulimia, sent him into the past and he immediately brought up my mom in a disgraceful manner about her own bulimia. So instead of arguing, I politely asked him to change topics and after a sarcastic comment he finally stopped his tirade rant against my mom. He talks about her addictions as if they are current and as if she decided to do them (like drinking, smoking, the bulimia). Just no support or sympathy what soever.....and he claims to still be in love with her even now while being married to another woman with whom he is separated from right now. What a class-A moron he is!

I wanted to punch him, but realized that he is not worth going to jail over. He has no idea I have this. He has no idea that it can be genetic and that it is not something people choose to do. He is a major contributor to my stress. He obviously suffers, not only from narcissism, but severe PTSD. It is so dreadfully annoying it makes me want to end my life sometimes. I am tired of being told that I never do anything right, that this and that would not have happened if I did this or that, that I should have done this or that....should, should, should, would, did,....he is a depressed sack of nothing cause he lives in past tense. He doesn't even live in the present. It is so pathetic that it makes me sick to my stomach!

I feel you on having a narcissistic parent. I decided to move halfway across the country to get away from my mom. It helped to estrange me from my dad, but he's weak and knuckles under to her. My mother is so toxic, I needed to be away from her to be happy. It's very painful when someone who is supposed to love you just uses you to feed their ego. Fortunately there are more people in the world than narcissists. At least we know what a narcissist is like and can avoid getting suckered in.

Quote from: Tristyn on July 18, 2016, 05:53:34 AM
I think I can relate for sure with how you felt prior to you being on hormones. Like everyone I have seen for mental health never once thought that my low levels of T is having an effect on me in negative ways. I don't want to think so much about trying to be normal anymore, cause it ain't gonna happen. I need to learn to love and accept myself for who I am, regardless of this body. My female body is not who I am. And I know this and as long as I know then I'm ok.

I have seen so many MTF and FTM people (binary and non binary) get better, calmer, happier on hormones, often very quickly so. You'd think healthcare providers would catch on. It's a neurological issue! Not psychiatric!

I am wondering if I should change my insurance so I can see this one endocrinologist who I know for sure will accept me as his patient and treat me to hormones. I will look into having it changed today. I can't take living like this a second longer. That's it, I am changing my insurance plans.

Quote from: Tristyn on July 18, 2016, 06:07:35 AM
I am wondering if I should change my insurance so I can see this one endocrinologist who I know for sure will accept me as his patient and treat me to hormones. I will look into having it changed today. I can't take living like this a second longer. That's it, I am changing my insurance plans.

Glad to hear it :). Btw; I've always liked the name Tristyn; great choice man :D

It's your call Tristyn, but sounds like it would benefit you. You need to do what is best for you. Hugs
Mariah

Quote from: Tristyn on July 18, 2016, 06:07:35 AM
I am wondering if I should change my insurance so I can see this one endocrinologist who I know for sure will accept me as his patient and treat me to hormones. I will look into having it changed today. I can't take living like this a second longer. That's it, I am changing my insurance plans.

i'M GOING TO KILL MYSELF

I CANT TAKE THIS ANYMORE

NO ONE IS HELPING ME

Then what can we do to help you Tristyn? Hugs
Mariah

Quote from: Tristyn on July 18, 2016, 10:49:41 AM
NO ONE IS HELPING ME

What can we do to help? You can PM me anytime you want. I hope you're ok.

Im going top hang myself like i should have a long time ago

FORGET THIS LIFE I AM READY TO DIE

IMMA GO TO THE GUN SHOP CLOSE BY AND BUY THE CHEAPEST PISTOL I CAN FIND AND JUST DO IT TONIGHT

GOODBYE SUSANS

Please don't do anything. I would miss you and care for you. You've managed to get through so much in your life; you can get through another hour, another day.

I'M DONE

Please don't harm yourself Tristyn, something will work out

I just saw your posts this morning Tristyn. I hope you didn't follow through and you're still lurking. You can come back to posting. I used to hear this from my grandmother: This too shall pass. She lived through the Great Depression on a farm in Kansas. This too shall pass. You're a smart guy, Tristyn. You can make it.

If I had access to a computer yesterday I would have been able to see your latest posts, Tristyn. I hope you're okay. You've come a long way. It's hard to fight back and survive when things get bad but you can do it. I just hope I wasn't too late in seeing this...

Quote from: Tristyn on July 06, 2016, 07:10:55 PM
Does anyone see the correlation here? When I get really depressed, and often I do, I want to eat alot more unhealthy foods (burgers, pizza, fries, hot dogs, e.t.c.) than usual as if to bring some comfort and then I get the urge to force myself to puke it up and I don't even know why. My mom did it, so maybe I unconsciously wanna be just like her like my dad always tells me over and over and over and over and over. I think it has to do with the fact that I am abnormally afraid of getting overweight again like I did when I intentionally presented myself as female in the past (which I have recurrent nightmares about returning to one day).

I also think it has to do with me wanting to have a heart attack. Not sure but I plan to really do this in a bit once my step mom buys me some food this evening. I am so miserable that I cannot even concentrate on my seminar and need some kind of relief. I wish there were an alternative. But there isn't. Really. I have tried numerous times to call Trans Lifeline; no answer, as usual. Am I the only one dealing with this? I really don't know. The more dysphoric I get, the more I want to eat, the more I wanna puke, the more I want to die.

I used to be an over eater and morbidly obese, but now I workout a lot. If you think about wanting to change and how happy you'll be if you're in shape you can practice exercising at the gym in small amounts at a time and increase when you feel comfortable doing more. For example I would use an exercise bike at the gym for 30 minutes when I was starting out and not go very fast or push myself, and then I worked my way up over a period of time to 2 hours of cardio and maybe 30 minutes of weight machines.

If you don't have access to a gym you could buy a few inexpensive weights, inexpensive workout videos or just walk around outside when the weather's good and listen to music. I used to spend all my time mesmorized by my cd player/mp3 player and pace around for hours up and down the sidewalk. The music and exercise would get your mind off of the dysphoria and possibly the urges to eat. It worked for me and I hope this is helpful to you.

Another thing is don't listen to music with negative emotions and lyrics because they cause depression and trigger many people with pre existing problems. Metal music has a bad reputation among mental health professionals. They advised me against it. I had a heavy metal habit that I mostly broke by listening to more positive music. I still listen to the metal once in awhile but it depends on the lyrics and how I feel that day.

What kind of music do you listen to, Tristyn?

Quote from: Tristyn on July 18, 2016, 04:49:21 AM
What is also upsetting for me is how my dad constantly reminds me of my mom's past errors, as if I am either somehow the cause of them happening or as if I alone can somehow fix them. Like just yesterday, the mere mentioning of my vomiting, due to medicine and not bulimia, sent him into the past and he immediately brought up my mom in a disgraceful manner about her own bulimia. So instead of arguing, I politely asked him to change topics and after a sarcastic comment he finally stopped his tirade rant against my mom. He talks about her addictions as if they are current and as if she decided to do them (like drinking, smoking, the bulimia). Just no support or sympathy what soever.....and he claims to still be in love with her even now while being married to another woman with whom he is separated from right now. What a class-A moron he is!

I wanted to punch him, but realized that he is not worth going to jail over. He has no idea I have this. He has no idea that it can be genetic and that it is not something people choose to do. He is a major contributor to my stress. He obviously suffers, not only from narcissism, but severe PTSD. It is so dreadfully annoying it makes me want to end my life sometimes. I am tired of being told that I never do anything right, that this and that would not have happened if I did this or that, that I should have done this or that....should, should, should, would, did,....he is a depressed sack of nothing cause he lives in past tense. He doesn't even live in the present. It is so pathetic that it makes me sick to my stomach!

It's good that you can realize your parents mistakes and learn from them without making them yourself. Your bulimia might be genetic and you may struggle with it but you can fight the battle with bulimia and win! I also have parents that have problems I'm not proud of and I'm doing a lot better than my parents despite my mental illness. People have told me I'd end up just like them and if someone tells you that don't ever believe them because YOU are yourself and not your parents. We are not clones of our parents. We are our own people. I believe in you, Tristyn.

Quote from: Tristyn on July 18, 2016, 05:53:34 AM
I think I can relate for sure with how you felt prior to you being on hormones. Like everyone I have seen for mental health never once thought that my low levels of T is having an effect on me in negative ways. I don't want to think so much about trying to be normal anymore, cause it ain't gonna happen. I need to learn to love and accept myself for who I am, regardless of this body. My female body is not who I am. And I know this and as long as I know then I'm ok.

You won't be stuck female forever. Is there some reason why you can't go on hormones?

I have re gained the 30 pounds I lost because of a bad bout of depression. I ate a ton of comfort food and junk food as well.

One of the things I am trying to do is to treat this body right. Even though there are days I cannot stand it because of the dysphoria. The extra weight feels like just another I am doing wrong in this body.

But by trying to treat this body right, I am not on HRT yet, I feel like I am making a body and a home for myself in the future.

It is still hard though. Like having a bad day or feel like crap, it is so easy and tempting to eat a doughnut or have some ice cream.

I am working on it though.

Tristyn hasn't come back on this site at all since his suicidal posts on this thread. I've got a really bad feeling about what happened to him... :(

Quote from: WarGrowlmon1990 on July 27, 2016, 06:14:52 PM
Tristyn hasn't come back on this site at all since his suicidal posts on this thread. I've got a really bad feeling about what happened to him... :(

Same :(

Hi.

Sorry I had you all worried about me. I shouldn't have said that stuff. I just got out of the hospital but the truth is i still want to die very much.

Just glad you're ok :)

Quote from: Tristyn on July 29, 2016, 02:43:59 AM
Hi.

Sorry I had you all worried about me. I shouldn't have said that stuff. I just got out of the hospital but the truth is i still want to die very much.

Keep coming here and talking to us. Glad you're alive. You have strangers on the internet who care.

Quote from: alienbodybuilder on July 29, 2016, 10:45:45 AM
Keep coming here and talking to us. Glad you're alive. You have strangers on the internet who care.

Thank you so much. I literally don't know what to do with myself anymore. I have failed this term of college. I think I am too crazy to even finish school. I keep ending up in the hospital. My dad has no idea. I am a failure that should be destroyed. My dad treats a cousin of mine more like his child than me. I guess I am kinda jealous of her cause she made it in Navy boot camp or something and I got nothing. I am a big, fat loser with NOTHING. I just want it to all stop.

All I want to do is eat, eat , and eat. It's all  I ever do besides play videogames. I am tempted to ask my stepmom for more food when my dad leaves to some ceremony. Getting me a whopper and fries with a coke and maybe some ice cream too. Food and videogames are my drug. I have been playing one game to day for like 11 hours straight. I live in them. I have no real life. I ONLY exist.

This was me around November to around June. Eating junk food constantly; sleeping constantly. No job or anything. It'll pass; it really will. Antidepressants helped as well as a good therapist for my anxiety. I failed college too due to depression and anxiety. Maybe look into LGBT charities which do counselling or mentoring. I wish you the best.

Thank you very much Elis. I think everyone here is so cool. I would have taken my life a long time ago if it were not for you guys. But I have been jobless my whole life. I am 27 now and that is not good. I am almost 30 and I just texted my bro that I am so scared I will be homeless in the near future. My dad is getting old and won't have the energy to care for us both. What are my other options? I will look into those charities Elis, but there is always something. For now, it's pizza time. Now if only I was allowed to ride my bike I would buy a beer to go right along with it. Or better yet a car.

I'm so glad you're alive, Tristyn. I know we don't know each other very well but I was worried.

Quote from: Tristyn on July 31, 2016, 05:33:25 PM
I think everyone here is so cool. I would have taken my life a long time ago if it were not for you guys.

That's exactly how I feel about this place. I was starting to repeat the cycle of self-harm when I discovered this site (I damn near knocked myself out when I harmed, that's how bad it was). Just talking to other trans people and knowing that I'm not alone seems to keep the worst thoughts at bay... so far.

Quote from: Tristyn on July 31, 2016, 05:33:25 PM
But I have been jobless my whole life. I am 27 now and that is not good.

I hear ya man. I'm going on 26 this year and can't work due to interstitial cystitis, depression, social anxiety, dysphoria and now I may have IBS or Crohn's disease or something (bowel diseases often go hand and hand with IC). I worked only from 2009 - 2010, doing a bunch of crappy jobs (the call center jobs were awful). I did janitorial work for my dad's business before and after that but stopped cause he didn't seem to need me and it was almost as if he had me working for him out of pity (he later claimed that he couldn't afford to have me work for him and yet his business is doing great and he can afford to go on vacations every year). Not being able to contribute on top of having severe gender dysphoria can make you feel so insignificant. I may not understand everything you're going through 10% because everybody goes through different things, but I understand all those same feelings you felt. The past few days I've been feeling so depressed and suicidal, it almost feels as if the depression is a physical force that's slowly swallowing me up until there's nothing but an empty shell. Sometimes I wonder how I'm still alive today. I guess it's cause I wanna make a difference in the world and that I want to reach my fullest potential. I believe that everyone's got potential to do great things in life. You may not realize it Tristyn, but you've got potential too. And you've been through so many struggles now and have overcome all them so far.

I'm really sorry, WarGrowlmon, I had no idea you had chronic illnesses too....I get so wrapped up in my own suffering that I forget that others suffer too. I feel so selfish. All I care about is me, me, me, but it makes me forget that you all hurt too. The only way I know how to deal with it is with food......I'm sorry for my crappy response but i still feel hardly present....

I just ate too much junk food to deal with my cr*p. It's not a crappy response at all. Right now I feel like I'm slowly swimming through different scenes that make up each day. It's like I don't feel connected to what anyone's saying or doing around me.

Quote from: Tristyn on August 02, 2016, 03:45:16 PM
I'm really sorry, WarGrowlmon, I had no idea you had chronic illnesses too....I get so wrapped up in my own suffering that I forget that others suffer too. I feel so selfish. All I care about is me, me, me, but it makes me forget that you all hurt too. The only way I know how to deal with it is with food......I'm sorry for my crappy response but i still feel hardly present....

It's all good, Tristyn. No need to feel guilty... and I am such a huge hypocrite in saying that cause I myself feel guilty when I think about how many people out there are worse off. Sometimes I feel guilty about the "privilege" of not getting targeted by blatant transphobic attacks... but then I realize it's not a privilege at all cause I'm not out to everyone and get misgendered all the time. It's not much better when you try to talk about issues to certain individuals who will then spout things like, "Hey, at least you're not living in a hut in Africa", "At least it's not cancer," "You should just be happy. There are so many people out there worse off than you." Uggghhh. That's probably one of the biggest stigmas with depression and other metal illnesses. I'm glad to hear your response again. You say it wasn't much but it reassured me that you're still here. After I sent you that message (I'm not even sure if you got it cause I didn't realize you had to save copies of them in the settings) I felt awkward and guilty, as if I said something weird or wrong. I'm like that pretty much after every interaction I take. Even if somebody is being kind to me and shows no judgement, the social anxiety will just take over my mind and it's almost like it plays tricks on me, making me feel like I'm alone and nobody cares. Even after I post this I'm gonna feel ashamed immediately after because I feel guilty and stupid for not having all the answers.  But this forum has shown me otherwise. No matter how guilty/stupid/awkward I feel not one person has shown judgement towards me yet.  I don't have too much advice, but I know how it feels to struggle with so many things at once, and I'm here to listen and be as supportive as I can, despite being all the way in Canada. And if eating makes you feel better, by all means indulge. It helps me too, especially comfort foods like cake or chocolate. Heh, now I'm craving some of that good stuff.

Quote from: Tristyn on July 31, 2016, 02:07:47 PM
I have failed this term of college. I think I am too crazy to even finish school. I keep ending up in the hospital. My dad has no idea. I am a failure that should be destroyed.

I dropped out of school at one point after I was involuntarily committed to a mental ward. Didn't help the suicidal impulses, quite the contrary. But I eventually got free of my family (helped a lot), went back to school, and graduated with a BA and MA. Now I'm doing my doctorate. And, frankly, most people would consider me quite crazy (I have a lot of stuff going on). I'm not a failure. And neither are you. Everyone's got their ->-bleeped-<- to deal with, and you're dealing with yours. May not be the best way to deal with it, but you can work on that. And in the meantime, you're still here. Each second, no matter how crappy, is a win. That's how I get through things these days anyhow. I just tell myself I can endure a second of anything when it gets bad. Sometimes I mess up, but I give myself another chance.

And each second I'm still here is a great big go to hell to the people who treated me like an animal when I was a kid.

Mod Edit:Language

Quote from: WorkingOnThomas on August 04, 2016, 09:53:13 AM
I dropped out of school at one point after I was involuntarily committed to a mental ward. Didn't help the suicidal impulses, quite the contrary. But I eventually got free of my family (helped a lot), went back to school, and graduated with a BA and MA. Now I'm doing my doctorate. And, frankly, most people would consider me quite crazy (I have a lot of stuff going on). I'm not a failure. And neither are you. Everyone's got their ->-bleeped-<- to deal with, and you're dealing with yours. May not be the best way to deal with it, but you can work on that. And in the meantime, you're still here. Each second, no matter how crappy, is a win. That's how I get through things these days anyhow. I just tell myself I can endure a second of anything when it gets bad. Sometimes I mess up, but I give myself another chance.

And each second I'm still here is a great big f you to the people who treated me like an animal when I was a kid.

Wow, Thomas, that's really awesome! That's the best revenge you could ever achieve; proving the haters wrong. This really woke me up just now. I mean, I really am getting better, even if it's slowly. I'm just taking it day by day. For a while, I wasn't really eating much recently, but am getting myself to eat more and more each day even if it's just pizza and junk food. :p It's hard to exercise like I was prior to my hospital admission a couple weeks ago; I was restrained in bed for an entire week so my body aches but it's getting better every day. :) I find little things to do to keep my mind occupied which greatly helps diminish suicidal ideation, depression, pretty much any negative impulse. Even just coming to Susan's more often and talking with people. I've even made some friends in the chat! ^^ I guess we all have setbacks but we can get back up, dust ourselves off and carry on, right? And I am learning to do that.

Quote from: WorkingOnThomas on August 04, 2016, 09:53:13 AM
And each second I'm still here is a great big f you to the people who treated me like an animal when I was a kid.

Yes! :D The best vengeance, ever! I love that because it makes the haters look like idiots, which they are anyway....I'm getting back the; "I don't give a (bleep) attitude." ;D

Hi Tristyn,

I had bulimia in high school and university, I really despised male puberty and didn't want to gain anymore weight.  I also had an alcohol and drug problem.  Needless to say my first shot at university was a complete bomb.  Failed first year, went back to try again and failed again.  By that point my gender dysphoria made me a complete wreck.  I was having constant anxiety attacks.  In university I was completely afraid to talk to administration or professors.

So I went and worked for a bit and eventually took a summer university course at a different university.  Doing well in that one course gave me confidence to continue.  I decided to go full time again and eventually got my degree in Mathematics/Computer Science.

I guess what I'm trying to get at is it's not always the first or second time you succeed.  It may take more tries.

The cause of all my problems was gender dysphoria.  I had to battle that all along.  It wasn't fun but I couldn't at the time see any solution except to hide it. 

I've battle this ever since.  I should have transitioned years ago.  I think it would have solved a lot of these issues.

Take care and good luck,
Paige :)

Quote from: Paige on August 05, 2016, 10:01:07 PM
Hi Tristyn,

I had bulimia in high school and university, I really despised male puberty and didn't want to gain anymore weight.  I also had an alcohol and drug problem.  Needless to say my first shot at university was a complete bomb.  Failed first year, went back to try again and failed again.  By that point my gender dysphoria made me a complete wreck.  I was having constant anxiety attacks.  In university I was completely afraid to talk to administration or professors.

So I went and worked for a bit and eventually took a summer university course at a different university.  Doing well in that one course gave me confidence to continue.  I decided to go full time again and eventually got my degree in Mathematics/Computer Science.

I guess what I'm trying to get at is it's not always the first or second time you succeed.  It may take more tries.

The cause of all my problems was gender dysphoria.  I had to battle that all along.  It wasn't fun but I couldn't at the time see any solution except to hide it. 

I've battle this ever since.  I should have transitioned years ago.  I think it would have solved a lot of these issues.

Take care and good luck,
Paige :)

Thank you so much, Paige! I like to hear these type of success stories. I'm sorry you weren't able to get hormones sooner. Trust me, I feel likewise. Puberty is the worse for those of us who have to endure it's suffering without the aid of puberty blockers and stuff like that to help along the way. But you and Thomas made it and really bounced back even after falling down. So many trans people here have! But I just don't know anymore. I want to call my education advisor and really explain the situation. I don't want to give up on my dreams of becoming a medical office administrator just yet! But I don't know if I have the composure.