Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hi everyone,

I read on a lot of websites that some people choose not to transition and some do. As someone still at the start of going through everything, I'd like to know, what convinced you to transition?

Worsening gender dysphoria in my 40's and miserableness factor of 8 going on 9.

Most days I still am not convinced I will do a full transition. Need to vs Want to. Plenty of priorities in this late and well entrenched life of mine. For now HRT, my TG support group, therapy, and plain working on healing the deep wounds from 40+ years of not really taking on the trans-beast, help me to maintain and balance my needs.

As with Sonadora a worsening of GD from my Early Teen Years into my early 20's is what's got me. I was always trying to attempt suicide whenever I had a chance. When people actually attempt it they usually don't tell anyone. I won't lie half of those attempts were by accident, but when they failed or I chickened out I resorted to cutting myself. Not to end my life, but by cutting myself I found the release of endorphins I really needed to get by shoveling my feet on wards. The road I've gone down is most definitely not for the kindhearted you gotta be strong both in mind, body, soul, + will to live on. Those were partly of the main contributing factors, but not fitting in and constant need for suicidal dependencies, anxiety, depression, malice, + malcontent behaviors weren't something I wanted to have been known for on my deathbed.

I don't want to sound overly dramatic, but when I accepted the overwhelming undeniable truth of my true nature, I knew that I needed to transition, and I found a way.

I found myself not caring about my own body or future, not being able to imagine my own future, and putting off doing things that i wanted because i didn't want to do them/ didn't care about doing them as a girl

i still struggle to imagine the more distant future (like beyond 2 years or so) but i am more motivated to do things for the immediate future

For most transgender people I think that gender dysphoria is progressive and lifelong unless treated.  Like too many here, I was in denial for a long time.  When I could no longer cope and had descended to the point of not caring about living any longer I faced the truth and started counseling.  Initially I just wanted to cope better and had no intention of transitioning as I had convinced myself that I couldn't possibly do so without losing everything including my self respect.

What I learned through therapy was, the fact that I am a transgender person, does not harm me in any way.  What had harmed me was the denial, horrible shame, fear, fake images and internalized transphobia of a lifetime.  Understanding that also pointed to the cure and alternatives: Acceptance, facing and telling the truth, courage and transitioning.

Until that time I was honestly unaware of how much pain, and how much work I was investing in trying to "man up" every damn day.  It was never worth it and we don't get that time back.

There is never going to be a perfect time to transition but the world is better for us now than at any time in my long life.
What are we waiting for?

I was becoming more and more miserable as man and becoming a ->-bleeped-<-ty person. Had to come clean to myself.

I'm trying to get a therapy appointment scheduled, so am right at the beginning part of transition I guess.

For me, I can't avoid it anymore. If I have to live the rest of my life in a feminine body, I might as well just go back to starving because at least I could still leave the house then. I need to at least start transitioning, or there isn't a point in trying to do anything. Each time I try to move forward, the anxiety/depression/dysphoria eventually catches up and I end up housebound again. This process has repeated itself three times over the last 10 years, and it isn't going away. I have other stuff to work on as well as transitioning, but a lot of stuff is related to the dysphoria.

Quote from: PBP on July 10, 2016, 05:51:15 AM
Hi everyone,

I read on a lot of websites that some people choose not to transition and some do. As someone still at the start of going through everything, I'd like to know, what convinced you to transition?

Age and coming to terms with the truth and wanting to be true to myself.

For me it has been something that started a long long time ago, what started as crossdressing at a young age I began to realize more and more as I grew older that I had more behaviors and traits of a woman than as a male. At close to 40 I finally realized that I would be alot happier as a woman.

When my ex was just my best friend, he finally decided to tell me what he thought about me. It took a while to let it sink in, while I compared it to past experiences and feelings. It was all undeniably true that I had always been more feminine in my looks and mannerisms, as compared to what few masculine traits I possessed.
Realizing all that, it was obvious I was living in the wrong gender. Heck ... when I found a doctor for hormones, it was " no questions asked", as he thought I had already been on them.

Hard to tell was oncomfortabel with how i was went to a docter with it, I was refferd to a department in a hospitol that deals with transgender people had talks and stuff. But i dont really remember a moment where i said now i am going to do it.

For me it was time.

Starting into my 40's my GD got to a point of making me go beyond crazy.

Sheer utter desperation, in the end I was simply unable to function at all. I could not longer continue along my path of dysphoria denial. I had to do something, and the choice was to at least try moving along the path towards acceptance of my dysphoria, or self-destruction of every aspect of my life and ultimately death by suicide.
Things aren't all roses now, but they are somewhat better.

Deep, suicidal depression.  My 'choices' amount to being dead, becoming a heavily medicated zombie, or some form of transition.  Oh, sure, there are many short term alternatives, but those three choices are the only end points I could resolve.

'I want more life..."
- Roy Batty

So, I'm in therapy, on HRT, and doing electrolysis.  And, I'm happy for the first time in decades.  Most days the sad old man is gone, and it's just me, smiling.

It beats the other alternatives.

meh nothing made me, my dysphoria was never really that bad. I just wanted to start as soon as possible.

For me, it was just getting worse. My dysphoria was getting worse, my depression was getting worse, self-esteem (with my body) getting worse. Everything. Even my anxiety was actually starting to cause problems, where previously it was manageable.

I finally got sick of my family telling me whats best for me, in terms of what my sexuality and gender should be, and decided to transition and here I am. Not too far but farther than I was in high school and I really wish I started then. I'm way more confident now, my temper is leveling, and I'm actually genuinely happier. I have happy days now, rather than moments. I'd be way better when I get my breasts removed and stuff but so far I know I made the right decision.

Depression steadily worsening until hitting a breaking point. Not wanting to be around friends or family because it all felt wrong. Passive suicide thoughts turned into active ones. That was my do it now or don't survive the year moment, so I did it. No more depression.

Quote from: Michelle_P on July 14, 2016, 10:38:04 AM
Deep, suicidal depression.  My 'choices' amount to being dead, becoming a heavily medicated zombie, or some form of transition.  Oh, sure, there are many short term alternatives, but those three choices are the only end points I could resolve.

'I want more life..."
- Roy Batty

So, I'm in therapy, on HRT, and doing electrolysis.  And, I'm happy for the first time in decades.  Most days the sad old man is gone, and it's just me, smiling.

It beats the other alternatives.

Your story has a nice outcome  :)
And I love that film too.

Quote from: Emileeeee on July 14, 2016, 04:52:49 PM
Depression steadily worsening until hitting a breaking point. Not wanting to be around friends or family because it all felt wrong. Passive suicide thoughts turned into active ones. That was my do it now or don't survive the year moment, so I did it. No more depression.

Nice, I can fully comprehend what you say, been there myself  :)

Alas my depression did not go away once I transitioned, or took hrt, or had my op. Nope, I am just naturally a depression sufferer. I thought it had to do with my gender dysphoria, but that was just one cause out of many.
I have learned (mostly) to live with my dysphoria, and I have overcome many obstacles and challenges, like learning to walk again after breaking my back. But I just cannot beat depression, the black dog is always there, sometimes it sleeps, but sometimes it barks. I worry one day will it finally get me?

Sorry, so dark.

I wanted a better quality of life.Before my transition,I was angry and wanted to say goodbye to the old me.I knew Nicole wanted out badly for good.When I started my transition when I was 25,knew it was the right choice on the spot.I am much happier now and have a better quality of life knowing I am a woman now although I decided not to have the GRS when I was 28.

Once I recognize how I was feeling was dysphoria and felt more sure that I was in fact trans* I knew I had to transition at some point. Before I recognize what it was I just waited until my discomfort would go away. When I found out it wouldn't I knew that transition was the only viable option.

Quote from: V on July 14, 2016, 05:07:54 PM
Alas my depression did not go away once I transitioned, or took hrt, or had my op. Nope, I am just naturally a depression sufferer. I thought it had to do with my gender dysphoria, but that was just one cause out of many.
I have learned (mostly) to live with my dysphoria, and I have overcome many obstacles and challenges, like learning to walk again after breaking my back. But I just cannot beat depression, the black dog is always there, sometimes it sleeps, but sometimes it barks. I worry one day will it finally get me?

Sorry, so dark.

This is something that bears talking about. Your brain can get stuck in "depression mode" which is why there is always a risk to putting off transition and putting it off some more. Some people are more genetically prone to depression than others.

There's also a risk of taking a story like yours and putting off transition because "it probably won't work". I thought because both of my parents suffered from major depression that I was doomed to be depressed and that transition would make my life worse (thanks to transphobia) not better. I couldn't have been more wrong about that. My brain functions much better now on HRT and a lot of the anxiety that fueled the depressive attitudes has faded away. I am still on anti-depressants and might always be, but my quality of life has improved enormously. This is what I was denying myself while I was convincing myself that I had genetic depression and nothing would change it. You don't know that until you try.

You don't have to apologize for being dark because your story is shared by many trans people. Transitioning fixes one thing in your life, not all the things. I had a friend who had a meltdown, got diagnosed, and transitioned thinking that would be it, everything cured. But he still had a drinking problem, a bad relationship with his dad, and other issues to work out. That was part of maturity, realizing he had to take charge of what was going on with his life and not blame external factors. For me, if anything, I took the wrong lesson from all of that. I blamed Asperger's Syndrome for all my problems and spent a lot of time feeling sorry for myself. It's been a slow crawl but I've reduced my ASD symptoms down to a low detectability, something I had no faith was even possible, I'm far away from my toxic birth family, and as I said, HRT has really taken a bite out of that intransigent anxiety and depression. I was coming up with excuses not to fix things because I didn't want to anticipate something better and then be disappointed.

I reached a point where my internal will to fight my nature quieted till I could understand my need to do it.  Early in life, I hated my body and I hated the way I felt as testosterone started to surge through everything.  I was pissed at the universe for tossing me into this silliness that had no name.  Once I figured out that life is just life, I realized that I did not really hate my body that much and I could 'live with it'.  Now, in the present, just getting by is not worth doing.  My heart has always been here anyway, finally just following it!

Also found that if you get out of the way by dropping the internal road blocks, things just sort of come together where they need to be.

The depression that was building from not dealing with it and then the suicide of a friend who told me that I need to do something about it and see a therapist for it. Yet I delayed it by a few months and then her suicide happened and I had know choice but to face it. I wanted to live so I had to do something about it. Hugs
Mariah

Quote from: AnxietyDisord3r on July 16, 2016, 04:56:45 AM
This is something that bears talking about. Your brain can get stuck in "depression mode" which is why there is always a risk to putting off transition and putting it off some more. Some people are more genetically prone to depression than others.

There's also a risk of taking a story like yours and putting off transition because "it probably won't work". I thought because both of my parents suffered from major depression that I was doomed to be depressed and that transition would make my life worse (thanks to transphobia) not better. I couldn't have been more wrong about that. My brain functions much better now on HRT and a lot of the anxiety that fueled the depressive attitudes has faded away. I am still on anti-depressants and might always be, but my quality of life has improved enormously. This is what I was denying myself while I was convincing myself that I had genetic depression and nothing would change it. You don't know that until you try.

You don't have to apologize for being dark because your story is shared by many trans people. Transitioning fixes one thing in your life, not all the things. I had a friend who had a meltdown, got diagnosed, and transitioned thinking that would be it, everything cured. But he still had a drinking problem, a bad relationship with his dad, and other issues to work out. That was part of maturity, realizing he had to take charge of what was going on with his life and not blame external factors. For me, if anything, I took the wrong lesson from all of that. I blamed Asperger's Syndrome for all my problems and spent a lot of time feeling sorry for myself. It's been a slow crawl but I've reduced my ASD symptoms down to a low detectability, something I had no faith was even possible, I'm far away from my toxic birth family, and as I said, HRT has really taken a bite out of that intransigent anxiety and depression. I was coming up with excuses not to fix things because I didn't want to anticipate something better and then be disappointed.

Thank you for the reply. 100 posts on here and someone actually seems to get me. That cheered me up no end, thank you.

I must be genetically prone to depression, I was diagnosed with severe depression as a child, and put on anti-depressants. Alas that was over 30 years ago, and since then, one or two of those drugs have been removed or altered due to unforeseen side-effects and also severe withdrawal symptoms once you stop taking them. I had a very hard time due to those drugs, and so nowadays I don't take any anti-depressant meds at all. I also found that while they prevented the severe lows where I would self-harm, they also stopped the highs too. Hence I felt in a zombified state most of the time on them. Obviously YMMV.
A great deal of what you wrote applies to me, like transphobia, feeling doomed, putting off coming to terms with my dysphoria and trying to do anything about it because I would never make it work, and I would fail. Plus my ASD symptoms can be a real struggle and also a barrier that stops others helping or understanding.
Also, as you say, not wanting to try and get your hopes up because you'd probably fail and then feel even worse, I feel that too.
I know my life is better post-transition, I just have to let myself believe that and get the most out of it.
A severe depression sufferer will always struggle, but thank you for the understanding reply  :)

Tough call, really. I cant say what tipped me over the edge,but there was a time where I went by male nicknames onine because it was comfortable. My character persona, an anthropomorphic wolf, used to be female. My persona is a reflection of myself and my traits and qualities. When I realized he didnt have to reflect me as I am, but a metaphorical image of what I desired to be in multiple aspects, I changed my character's gender to male. It looked and felt good.

My friends who I relayed this to were happy for me and soon something went from my character, to it being as if I was transitioning. Somewhere along the line I was he, and it stuck.

I honestly cant remember the blur in events the exact moment I became trans, but it was a gradual mesh of happening.

I wasbt necessarily suicidal or depressed either. I just felt caged, boxed, unconfident, and unhappy and when I reached male something clicks in my head and I know it feels right

Quote from: V on July 17, 2016, 03:42:59 AM
Thank you for the reply. 100 posts on here and someone actually seems to get me. That cheered me up no end, thank you.

I must be genetically prone to depression, I was diagnosed with severe depression as a child, and put on anti-depressants. Alas that was over 30 years ago, and since then, one or two of those drugs have been removed or altered due to unforeseen side-effects and also severe withdrawal symptoms once you stop taking them. I had a very hard time due to those drugs, and so nowadays I don't take any anti-depressant meds at all. I also found that while they prevented the severe lows where I would self-harm, they also stopped the highs too. Hence I felt in a zombified state most of the time on them. Obviously YMMV.
A great deal of what you wrote applies to me, like transphobia, feeling doomed, putting off coming to terms with my dysphoria and trying to do anything about it because I would never make it work, and I would fail. Plus my ASD symptoms can be a real struggle and also a barrier that stops others helping or understanding.
Also, as you say, not wanting to try and get your hopes up because you'd probably fail and then feel even worse, I feel that too.
I know my life is better post-transition, I just have to let myself believe that and get the most out of it.
A severe depression sufferer will always struggle, but thank you for the understanding reply  :)

I'm glad you feel reassured by my comment. I know what you mean about drugs making you zombified. I've been lucky I'm considered unable to take SSRIs because the next two drugs I tried didn't have such a profound dulling effect on my emotions. You are so right about ASD stopping people from helping or understanding. People call us slow, but a lot of supposedly "emotionally intelligent" people have a really hard time relating to folks that are aneurotypical. If you're really emotionally intelligent, wouldn't you be able to see past the stimming and the other weird quirks and see our humanity?

Depression is still poorly understood despite all the drugs they have now. There are multiple brain hormone cycles involved in depression and how they interact with each other isn't really well understood either. You seem to be coping pretty well unmedicated. I feel like I did too but I'm glad I have the drugs for now. I am hopeful that I can come off them eventually. (Certainly when I was on Lithium it was a major goal to transition off simply because you can't take that one forever.) I'd much rather live this way than live with that depressive sinkhole that you fall into without warning.

*

It was my certainty of my gender identity.

The way I can start to answer your question is that I knew at least by age 3 that I am female.  I simply lived my life as female though it was incongruent with what I thought was a male anatomy.

It is difficult reading how so many of us have taken drastic actions; I also faced multiple suicide attempts.  One of my early efforts was during 7th Grade; I lost September and October in recovery.  The last was at age 26 and post-op - something of an 'I told you so' rant.

I saw no future until I was post-op.  Childhood was difficult, teens were unbearable, early adulthood was frustrating.  That future was persistently too far to imagine, then boom, it was done and now it was all behind me.  Huh?  Wow!  Finally time to move to other life issues now that this obstacle was gone.

Fear held back my progress.  I feared losing family and friends; eh, I lost them anyway.  I feared losing my employment; eh, I lost at least two careers, so I acquired expertise in many occupations.  I feared what my appearance would be presenting as female; eh, I was getting clocked as female no matter how I tried presenting as male.  At that point it became obvious that I had no use for my fears and it was time to live as me, as female; there was no looking back at fears that amounted to nothing more than mirages.

Residing with my father required me to transition in stealth.  Living on my own provided the opportunity for me to transition in stages - at my own home, buying groceries, running errands, going to a new college that did not know my past, obtaining new employment where my past work was irrelevant.

Self-assurance in your decisions makes transition easy. Uncertainty holds you in suspense; that's not necessarily a bad circumstance when your life decision involves an irreversible process.  Take as much time as you need, not what others do.

*

Quote from: AnxietyDisord3r on July 19, 2016, 05:58:25 AM
I'm glad you feel reassured by my comment. I know what you mean about drugs making you zombified. I've been lucky I'm considered unable to take SSRIs because the next two drugs I tried didn't have such a profound dulling effect on my emotions. You are so right about ASD stopping people from helping or understanding. People call us slow, but a lot of supposedly "emotionally intelligent" people have a really hard time relating to folks that are aneurotypical. If you're really emotionally intelligent, wouldn't you be able to see past the stimming and the other weird quirks and see our humanity?

Depression is still poorly understood despite all the drugs they have now. There are multiple brain hormone cycles involved in depression and how they interact with each other isn't really well understood either. You seem to be coping pretty well unmedicated. I feel like I did too but I'm glad I have the drugs for now. I am hopeful that I can come off them eventually. (Certainly when I was on Lithium it was a major goal to transition off simply because you can't take that one forever.) I'd much rather live this way than live with that depressive sinkhole that you fall into without warning.

Yeah ASD can be a barrier to many things. Only this evening my boyfriend told me how most of the time I just appear to tolerate his existence, with very little additional emotion or affection. He often calls me a robot. I do love him, but I show it in other ways, which clearly are undetectable to him  :(
You are so right in that many folks (no matter how 'in-tune' they think they are) can't get that severe OCD doesn't mean I'm a bad person, or not worth knowing. Heck, doing everything 8 times compulsively at least means I'm thorough  :laugh:

My depression coping strategy basically sucks. I set a date for when I'm going to commit suicide, and depending on how I feel at the time, that date can be months or even years away. Conversely it can be days or hours away too, and occasionally it becomes imminent, hence my suicidal history. Not good really.
Also, having such an outlook means I don't have a pension or anything that involves future planning, for obvious reasons.
I can easily see that taking meds to avoid such "suicidal sinkholes" (good term, BTW) is a much better coping strategy. But whenever I've admitted to anyone that I still suffer from depression, even after I've transitioned, they have invariably said that they thought my depression should have gone away post-transition, and hence maybe I've made a big mistake with transitioning at all. Talking rarely, if ever, helps. There are a few gems that I come across though, like your post, that are an oasis in a desert of despair.

My soul will not be complete until I have the male body that expresses all that I am. There are limits as to what modern science can do for me, but I'm afraid my quest to have the best male body I can will be lifelong. It's not going to be an easy journey but it will ease my pain. My soul feels disconnected from my biological female body and I am full of disgust and hatred of my female organs. In September I start testosterone so I will be so happy when my journey to physical manhood begins.