Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I know there are a lot of questioning people out there too so I know its a given at least some of us were

I didnt always know what a transgender was, so when I did start to learn what they are, I didnt automatically decide I was a part of it, just someone on the other side of the gender role spectrum, and I didnt want to take to something and steal 'the spotlight', per se, of those who actually were transgender and not someone like me who was probably just playing at it

But as time went on it was hard to ignore, part of my ever waking thoughts, it just clicked too well


...so I used to be on the outside looking in, now Im on the inside looking out.

I definitely thought that i wasn't 'trans enough' for a long time, and tentatively identified as genderqueer or gender non conforming, if at all. but then i realised that while i don't always share the same childhood history with other ftms, or the same fashion sense, i definitely have body dysphoria and not being read as male reminds me of that, so i want to be read as male ergo i am pretty much just trans

I was already in my twenties by that point - but i don't think i 'thought i was a girl' before that. i feel like i didn't think of myself of having a gender at all pre-puberty. If i had to think about gender or myself as being gendered as a child i was always disappointed to remember that people saw me as a girl, but i don't know if i would have insisted that i was a boy either. Maybe i'm really transitioning from agender to male lol :P

Of course; didn't even know trans existed until I was 19 and realised i liked women but felt lesbian didn't fit me. I had faint memories of seeing mtfs in documentaries but didn't understand it. I didn't identify with the cliches and stereotypes so didn't feel trans enough. I thought i was genderqueer then ftm and now im back to realising im not binary.

When I was growing up, trans people were just a rumor. Everyone knew I was different, even back in kindergarten. With nobody knowing what trans was, I was just called a girl. While they may have been right all along, I did have moments when I denied it.

Not really.  Although there have been times if I wondered if maybe I was just insane instead.  Until a couple of years ago I would have doubts now and then when reading the multitude of conflicting things on the internet.  Things like that which shall not be spoken of in this forum.  But those doubts were always fleeting.


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Well, I don't think there has ever been a point at the beginning of any realization in which I was 100% sure of something right away. At first when I looked into what transgender and sexual reassignment was, I assumed that my condition wasn't serious enough simply because I've not been driven insane by it; I can still live my life, I can still function as a person despite the unhappiness and awkwardness... and because of that assumption that this surgery is very serious and is probably only done on people whom are so disturbed by their condition that they can't function... I did think I probably was making a mountain out of a molehill at first. I assumed you had to have serious psychological disturbance before you would even be considered for surgery and a change of name and gender on all documents. General ignorance on the topic in the world around me didn't help.

Then there is the fact that for the whole of my life I've had the attitude that life feels generally quite awful and uncomfortable, and that perhaps this was just the inescapable reality of everybody. Another assumption on my part. I just felt that it would never get better, that the horrible state of life as I felt it was just a fact of life that had to be lived with. 

Because of this it did take some time to get to the conclusion that I qualified for transition.

Quote from: T.K.G.W. on July 17, 2016, 04:24:17 PM
Well, I don't think there has ever been a point at the beginning of any realization in which I was 100% sure of something right away. At first when I looked into what transgender and sexual reassignment was, I assumed that my condition wasn't serious enough simply because I've not been driven insane by it; I can still live my life, I can still function as a person despite the unhappiness and awkwardness... and because of that assumption that this surgery is very serious and is probably only done on people whom are so disturbed by their condition that they can't function... I did think I probably was making a mountain out of a molehill at first. I assumed you had to have serious psychological disturbance before you would even be considered for surgery and a change of name and gender on all documents. General ignorance on the topic in the world around me didn't help.

Then there is the fact that for the whole of my life I've had the attitude that life feels generally quite awful and uncomfortable, and that perhaps this was just the inescapable reality of everybody. Another assumption on my part. I just felt that it would never get better, that the horrible state of life as I felt it was just a fact of life that had to be lived with. 

Because of this it did take some time to get to the conclusion that I qualified for transition.

A lot of this is true for me too

i also had this issue where if i talked about my chest dysphoria (though i didn't know that's what it was) among cis women - they would agree that they also hated the size of their chests, or their hips. it seemed like society expected afab people to be uncomfortable and unhappy with their bodies, which made some parts of my dysphoria (obvs not bottom dysphoria lol) seem like a normal way to think

I went for most of my life flopping between thinking I was trans and thinking I was a sick, bad person.
I would spend a pile of money on clothes and makeup and for a while feel great about myself. Then get a case of the guilts and toss it all out, resolving to control myself and be a "better man." A few months, even years would go by, then I would repeat the cycle all over again.
Life is too short to go on that way. I really do love myself more when I let myself be free with no pressure either way. I dress how I feel at the time and don't worry about what others are going to think.

I've always known I was different I didn't fit in and became a outcast. I seen and read enough about what later became transgender too draw my own conclusions on what I am.  I kinda got good at portraying a guy and fooling people into thinking I was a guy,when in fact I'm a woman deep down inside.

Due to my being intersex, I never doubted that I'm trans. I never gave it a second thought. Hugs
Mariah

There are two times for me.  I used to not know what trans was.  Even when I first heard of it, I still didn't understand it.  Of course once I got enough details, I realized that it all totally sounds like me.  Also there's the moments during every day when I think, "woah!  I got stuff all wrong, and my problems have nothing to do with my gender."  Then, of course, I look into a mirror and get sad.  I always go back to being sure, but it's really frustrating that certainty about being trans is so elusive for me.

Yes there was a time before I was 9. Sadly can't remember that far back.

                                       Love,  Sarina!

I had signs and thoughts of being transgender all my life but never had a label to put on it until my early 20s. I was having a conversation with someone how about how much I hated being a woman and how my idea of feminism was stripping myself of femininity which had been pushed on me by my relatives and then later I realized what I really meant by that and started to present fully as male. I don't know if wanting to have super short hair all my life had anything to do with my gender identity, but long before I thought I was trans I insisted on having all my hair cut off super short and my nails cut short for hygienic purposes.

There was a long time I didn't know trans was even a thing, not until I was 15 or so and it is clearly not unusual for women to be uncomfortable about bits and pieces about their bodies. Even when I did learn I didn't connect the dots that this could be me because everyone tried to justify someone being transgender with this stereotypical narrative that I didn't fit. And then I just felt guilty about the way I felt.

Quote from: Peep on July 17, 2016, 04:47:51 PM
i also had this issue where if i talked about my chest dysphoria (though i didn't know that's what it was) among cis women - they would agree that they also hated the size of their chests, or their hips. it seemed like society expected afab people to be uncomfortable and unhappy with their bodies, which made some parts of my dysphoria (obvs not bottom dysphoria lol) seem like a normal way to think

So true! Also, hating periods is pretty common with AFAB people although most of them don't dissociate the way I did. And so many cis women have had hystos. Few cis women actively want their breasts to be gone, though (some lose them to cancer and kind of shrug it off, while other cis women get dysphoric). As I've come out to coworkers some have commented on this. Wanting breast reduction is pretty common, OTOH.

I guess that all could have confused me more if I didn't have the persistent notion since puberty that I wasn't one of them. I feel a little guilty listening into all those reproductive surgery conversations (even though I was really curious) because they didn't realize they were telling all that stuff to a guy.

Quote from: AnxietyDisord3r on July 19, 2016, 05:50:49 AM
So true! Also, hating periods is pretty common with AFAB people although most of them don't dissociate the way I did. And so many cis women have had hystos. Few cis women actively want their breasts to be gone, though (some lose them to cancer and kind of shrug it off, while other cis women get dysphoric). As I've come out to coworkers some have commented on this. Wanting breast reduction is pretty common, OTOH.

I guess that all could have confused me more if I didn't have the persistent notion since puberty that I wasn't one of them. I feel a little guilty listening into all those reproductive surgery conversations (even though I was really curious) because they didn't realize they were telling all that stuff to a guy.

I wish I had never heard any of those female conversations unfortunately living in a female body I had to know what to avoid.

I drank so much booze I was dam near incapable of having a fully coherent thought...One day I turned up for Nursing lectures and the Topic was Transexualism. Terrified the hell out of me...treatments were not exactly progressive...better I just dive on back into that bottle than face that awful mess...and I did just that for the next 35 years...each time I sobered up I convinced my self I was not trans...but that never worked for long and I always went back to the bottle.

Liz             

I relate to a lot of these, honestly.

I too wasnt sure if I was 'trans enough', that I didnt 'qualify', because I wasnt necessarily someone suicidal or depressed, Ive always been fairly stable. Just mostly uncomfortable and more unhappy than I realized, and moreso when I learned I was trans.

I also did not think I'd be trans because I thought my uncomfortable-ness might just be fairly normal. Puberty is uncomfortable for everyone, after all. Feeling shame for one's own body can be, at times. Cis people experience this too. I never wanted periods and I hated breasts, but I eventually wanted these for the sake of being 'normal' (I was paranoid in my youth that if I didnt develop these normal female traits that I'd have to go to invasive doctors appointments that would make me uncomfortable) when I did start to develop these, or want to, I soon realized it sucks and I hated it all over again. Its not something I want or need. Normality be damned.

I also considered the fact that maybe just because I liked 'boy things' doesnt mean Im trans. Most my traits, interests, and presentation lies towards liking more male things. I assumed at first I am just a tomboy, transitioning wasnt necessary. I know this. Im aware of this, but I still felt it didnt feel right to be a boyish girl...It feels more comfortable to be a he and to be a man.


I know in a sense Ive always been because looking back the signs were there, but I didnt know it until, as said before, my feelings had a label and I dont have to settle for normal.

My hole life i felt uncomfortable with myself, since I was a kid. I remember seeing a soap opera when I was like 10, where there was this feminine character that was a hermaphrodite. That really got into me. Of course, at the time, I didnt really understand what a hermaphordite was, but, a character that was born with a penis and then became a woman (thats what I understood at the time, of course)... wow... just, wow... I spend a lot of time back then wishing that I too was like that girl in the tv who was born a man. Of course, later, I learn that was not the case... but that didnt change what I felt... When I was even younger, I remember having a toy with interchangeable parts that you use to make a draw. It had 3 different parts that together form a character for your draw, Legs, Torso and Head, wich you could combine. It had a human, a lizard man, and another one that i cant remember, but, I always made the human head and torso with the lizard legs, because (and that was concious) the lizard man didnt had a penis.
Or course, for a long time, i didnt realize that I am trans. To this day, sometimes I still think that i'm not "trans enough" (like Peep said), so, I still havent trasitioned. Kinda crazy, i guess...

Quote from: WolfNightV4X1 on July 19, 2016, 08:30:36 AM

I also did not think I'd be trans because I thought my uncomfortable-ness might just be fairly normal. Puberty is uncomfortable for everyone, after all.

That's exactly why having support from cis people willing to be allies is so important.  In my mind, i can believe that all the things i feel are normal things that every man feels.  Then as I'm talking with my best male friend, I can ask, "You wish you had boobs, right?"  He never judges me, but the way he reacts to those things makes it clear that, as a cismale, he doesn't relate to those feelings at all.  It's extremely helpful, to just get a little more clarity.

For a lot of my childhood I didn't think I was trans. That's not to say I didn't have dysphoria, but I was just so poorly educated on what being trans was. It is something that has really frustrated me because with a lack of education, and my knowledge coming from transphobic secondary school boys, I was led to believe for a long time that transgender people were weird perverts. This meant that instead of understanding dysphoria and doing something about it, I just believed that cis people had dysphoria, or that perhaps I was gay.

Since then, I have had doubts on a few occasions. I'm not always very dysphoric, though it never goes away, but at times that did mean that I thought I wasn't trans enough or something along those lines. Thankfully now I understand and can do something about it.

Quote from: ElizabethK on July 19, 2016, 07:30:14 AM
I drank so much booze I was dam near incapable of having a fully coherent thought...better I just dive on back into that bottle than face that awful mess...and I did just that for the next 35 years...each time I sobered up I convinced my self I was not trans...but that never worked for long and I always went back to the bottle.

I can really relate, Liz. I lot of my drinking was to hide from my thoughts and feelings. I knew I was trans but if I could numb myself, I didn't have to face it. Besides, with the examples from my family, being a drunk was proof of manly masculinity. When I would sober up, I fought against myself, full of guilt and denial. That would lead to depression and right back into the bottle.

This time I feel like I have broken the cycle. I am fully sober, going on two years, but am not in denial any more. Life is too short to beat myself up. Better to love and accept ourselves as we are. Sometimes we are the only ones who will.

Quote from: TinaW on July 19, 2016, 08:00:36 PM
I can really relate, Liz. I lot of my drinking was to hide from my thoughts and feelings. I knew I was trans but if I could numb myself, I didn't have to face it. Besides, with the examples from my family, being a drunk was proof of manly masculinity. When I would sober up, I fought against myself, full of guilt and denial. That would lead to depression and right back into the bottle.

This time I feel like I have broken the cycle. I am fully sober, going on two years, but am not in denial any more. Life is too short to beat myself up. Better to love and accept ourselves as we are. Sometimes we are the only ones who will.

What makes you a tough person is staying sober.

Quote from: TinaW on July 19, 2016, 08:00:36 PM
I can really relate, Liz. I lot of my drinking was to hide from my thoughts and feelings. I knew I was trans but if I could numb myself, I didn't have to face it. Besides, with the examples from my family, being a drunk was proof of manly masculinity. When I would sober up, I fought against myself, full of guilt and denial. That would lead to depression and right back into the bottle.

This time I feel like I have broken the cycle. I am fully sober, going on two years, but am not in denial any more. Life is too short to beat myself up. Better to love and accept ourselves as we are. Sometimes we are the only ones who will.

Congratulations of 2 years of sobriety...I found myself after a number of years sobriety looking for another drink...despite having tried to transition twice before I still wouldn't accept that I was trans...I got there now though, I never did and never will have that drink!!!!

Liz

Quote from: Amanda_Combs on July 17, 2016, 11:18:51 PM
There are two times for me.  I used to not know what trans was.  Even when I first heard of it, I still didn't understand it.  Of course once I got enough details, I realized that it all totally sounds like me.  Also there's the moments during every day when I think, "woah!  I got stuff all wrong, and my problems have nothing to do with my gender."  Then, of course, I look into a mirror and get sad.  I always go back to being sure, but it's really frustrating that certainty about being trans is so elusive for me.

There was a long time when I was reluctant to attribute being trans to the problems going on in my life. If trans is just a personality trait obviously it couldn't be having this negative effect on me. I'm 180 from there right now, all of these issues I was having seem to be clearing up with hormone replacement therapy. I'm probably too far the other way blaming all my problems on being trans but it's really dramatic how much of my mental and physical anguish was due to hormones and here I was blaming just about everything else.

Quote from: AnxietyDisord3r on July 21, 2016, 06:00:10 AM
There was a long time when I was reluctant to attribute being trans to the problems going on in my life. If trans is just a personality trait obviously it couldn't be having this negative effect on me. I'm 180 from there right now, all of these issues I was having seem to be clearing up with hormone replacement therapy. I'm probably too far the other way blaming all my problems on being trans but it's really dramatic how much of my mental and physical anguish was due to hormones and here I was blaming just about everything else.

Thank you so much for that!  I have wondered if I'm being delusional in believing that hormones may make a majority of my issues dissipate or reduce.  But I guess even if I start on hrt and feel no different than I do, that still confirms depression, a sleep disorder, anxiety disorder, and body image issues.  So I would at least know what to treat, and in the mean time, I'll still look more like me.  If you don't mind me asking, how long did it take you being on hormones before you could feel your issues starting to alleviate?

Some issues started clearing up after a month. (I'm FTM) I have a friend who is MTF and experienced some relief from anxiety after only one week. But other issues took longer. I'm not quite six months in and I've experienced so much improvement on so many of my "complaints". The timeline was that the mental fog lifted first, then anxiety dipped a bit and I noticed I only got migraines when my T levels were lowest. I also started being able to build muscle quickly and that helped my body image. Most recently my anxiety and depression have really abated and I find myself calmer and able to handle situations without spiraling into low self esteem, anxiety, and self pity. I actually caught myself having self esteem. I've caught myself smiling sometimes. It's different, but nice. I'm also much less forgetful. I procrastinate WAY less than ever before. I have become slightly more impulsive but that's not all negative because sometimes it means I follow through on doing positive things when I would have just thought about it and never followed through.

I do not think that there was a time I did not think I was trans, just periods where I was not sure what it was I actually am.

I too turned to drugs for many years, but that was not an effective treatment and everything always revolved back to my reality.

Quote from: WolfNightV4X1 on July 19, 2016, 08:30:36 AM
I also did not think I'd be trans because I thought my uncomfortable-ness might just be fairly normal.

This.

I grew up convinced that all the boys would have preferred to be girls, the others were just better at playing the expected games like 'who can pee the farthest away from where they stand' or, later, 'who can bench press the most'. It took me several decades to really grasp that yes, cis people really exist, the weirdos. ;) Turns out that my classmates were so much better at being boys because they were boys...

Still, the main problem was how I felt about my body, and looking back, I got pretty good at finding my own way in the mess of gendered social norms. In a sense I'm rather happy about being trans – it made it possible (and necessary) for me to have both 'male' and 'female' interests, and if I'd been cis (either way) my life would have turned out very different. It isn't easy, of course, and never has been, but there's no such thing as an easy life.

But deep down, I still cannot see gender roles and presentation as anything but a role-playing game.

Quote from: Seshatneferw on July 22, 2016, 05:59:54 AM
This.

I grew up convinced that all the boys would have preferred to be girls, the others were just better at playing the expected games like 'who can pee the farthest away from where they stand' or, later, 'who can bench press the most'. It took me several decades to really grasp that yes, cis people really exist, the weirdos. ;) Turns out that my classmates were so much better at being boys because they were boys...

Still, the main problem was how I felt about my body, and looking back, I got pretty good at finding my own way in the mess of gendered social norms. In a sense I'm rather happy about being trans – it made it possible (and necessary) for me to have both 'male' and 'female' interests, and if I'd been cis (either way) my life would have turned out very different. It isn't easy, of course, and never has been, but there's no such thing as an easy life.

But deep down, I still cannot see gender roles and presentation as anything but a role-playing game.

I can really relate!  Growing up, I just figured every boy wanted to dress up as a girl and be like them.  I figured nobody is talking about it so they must be really good at hiding it, so I did the same.  Reality hit later and I hid it even deeper.

Now, as a 44 year old, I feel like I should have known better.  The word 'Trans' is something of a recent phenomenon and revelation for me.  I've always been but didn't know enough about it to relate.   It's only the last few years that I've taken my head out of the sand.

Wife, kids and career are now my reality and it's a much different playground to become myself now.   Everyone expects I am who I present myself to be.  I'm kind of an actor in my own movie.


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Now that I am having much less Dysphoria than I used too, it hit me, that the way I feel now after a couple of months on HRT is the way everyone else feels all the time. The enormity of that alone ...feeling nearly complete/right for the first time in my life...it blew me away that everyone else (non trans) got to feel like this all the time and not that awful deep sense of feeling broken.

Liz

Quote from: ElizabethK on July 22, 2016, 05:36:32 PM
Now that I am having much less Dysphoria than I used too, it hit me, that the way I feel now after a couple of months on HRT is the way everyone else feels all the time. The enormity of that alone ...feeling nearly complete/right for the first time in my life...it blew me away that everyone else (non trans) got to feel like this all the time and not that awful deep sense of feeling broken.

Liz

And like fish they don't even notice the water.

No.

Only times (pre 7) that I thought it was normal. My friends were mainly girls, but some boys too - and I could always climb higher up a tree than anyone else, or kick a football into the goal on my way to chat with my girlfriends - so that probably saved me from a lot. And what it didn't save me from - well, the odd person who ever picked a fight with me certainly never ever tried it again.

Not even the teacher, who at the age of 7, dragged me up to her desk to denounce me for being abnormal and having 'something wrong', and that she'd be watching me at play times to make sure I played with no girls. Such a wicked thing to do to a child. She knew she'd gone too far, and she apologized to me after a couple of my apartheid style play times and lunch times. Then started complementing my handwriting and giving me money to buy sweets. By then I just wanted the year to be over so I could get a new teacher.

So then it faded out until 11, when two things happened - the girls were taken to a separate class to learn about periods, and the boys got an extended lunchtime break in the playground. That was quite traumatic and reinforced it. Then a new kid arrived in my class and I had my first crush on this beautiful Italian boy with his elegant footballers build and a little bit developed for an 11 year old, cute accent, dark and tanned. Found him on Facebook about a year ago actually - bald and fat. So we would've been divorced now anyway haha.

And night after night before sleep, I would fantasize about him and what it would've been like - if only. They were the least homosexual fantasies in the world, so it was kind of obvious.

And then on and on in the same style, with an outwardly and completely deliberately androgynous presentation, a relatively good if dysfunctional outer life, and a rich inner life. Both sometimes overwhelmed (every three or four years) by a sort of rising, hysterical, but totally silent panic that would build into breakdown and depression.

The real trauma was facial hair.

And then I had other things to deal with, various losses and dramas and things, and PTSD from a sexual attack by someone trying to infect people with HIV. That was probably worse than being trans, because it was a threat to life, and while everyone's rape is their own to feel how they feel, it was worse to me than standard, because it basically had attempted murder attached to it.

Thank god for a negative result. And with that, I can move on. It ruined the vast majority of my twenties. It robbed me of all that time. But I just don't care much as long as I don't have that, thank god.

So no, I never thought I wasn't trans. I always knew it applied to me, and I just wished and still wish it didn't. Bit if there was a pill to take to cure it, I wouldn't, because I like relating to the world with the female perspective I've always had.

Some may find the reasons and research interesting. I do to an extent. But it doesn't help - you either are or aren't, and if you're the one, then it's you. It's me. The available research about it perhaps being connected to prenatal stress and the mothers hormones in utero have really left my mother more distraught than she needed to be, thinking it was all her fault and something she did of didn't do during pregnancy. I wish she had never read it. I wish there was no need for her to go looking in the first place.

I certainly had those times even though I can remember being younger than five years old when I first realized something was wonky about me.

I suppose I was in my teens or so when I first saw a documentary about trans people and of course a thought about me being one of them crossed my mind. I dismissed that thought pretty quickly, though, trying to be rational about my age and all that jazz. I would grow up to be a regular woman in the end, right?

Well, no.

Everytime I watched documentaries that had trans folks in them, I kept having the same thoughts. What if...? But no, I always dismissed them, somehow thinking being trans would've been a way too easy answer to me feeling out of place most of the time. Obviously, it's not an easy answer but anywho.

I suppose I was in denial for many years before I finally could face it and say it out loud.
Good thing I could do it. Too bad it just took so much time.

Quote from: AnxietyDisord3r on July 21, 2016, 07:05:08 PM
Some issues started clearing up after a month. (I'm FTM) I have a friend who is MTF and experienced some relief from anxiety after only one week. But other issues took longer. I'm not quite six months in and I've experienced so much improvement on so many of my "complaints". The timeline was that the mental fog lifted first, then anxiety dipped a bit and I noticed I only got migraines when my T levels were lowest. I also started being able to build muscle quickly and that helped my body image. Most recently my anxiety and depression have really abated and I find myself calmer and able to handle situations without spiraling into low self esteem, anxiety, and self pity. I actually caught myself having self esteem. I've caught myself smiling sometimes. It's different, but nice. I'm also much less forgetful. I procrastinate WAY less than ever before. I have become slightly more impulsive but that's not all negative because sometimes it means I follow through on doing positive things when I would have just thought about it and never followed through.

How often do you work out?

I went through periods of denial but it was always in the back of my mind and I'd eventually begin crossdressing again

I didn't really understand what being transgender was at the time but I knew something was up and would often question what was wrong with me

I just wish it wouldn't have taken over forty years to come to the realization that there is no shame and there is nothing wrong with the way I feel inside

It's all about self acceptance