Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I was having a pointed conversation with my mother about my sister's lack of acceptance of my transition. I'd been excluded from my nephew's 18th birthday family lunch all because my sister won't tell my 10 year old niece that she has an Aunty. My mother said that I knew this could happen going into transition and asked "what did you expect?"

My response? I expected better. My sister was the one person I thought I could rely on for acceptance and support. How wrong I was. All that lip service she pays to "being yourself" is apparently just that, lip service. Even my father who I half expected to disown me has begrudgingly accepted me. My sister says she "accepts me" but she is keeping my neice in the dark for her daughter's safety. 30 months in the dark. While I don't deny there is a need to handle the news of my transition with appropriate sensitivity and common sense, the only person I see my sister trying to keep "safe" is herself.

Yeah. I expected better is what I expected.

My brother and sister in law  are the same. Try to use their kids for justification. I'd rather be alone than put up with people like that.

Sorry to hear that Grace. My sister is understanding to, but is still having difficulties but her husband stays high and away sadly. At least i get to see my nieces and both know me as Aunt, but the youngest doesn't know the before me. I'm sorry your not getting that opportunity too. I hope someday you do. Hugs
Mariah

I definitely sympathize but at least it sounds like she talks to you.  That's pretty good.  You also have your parents which is awesome. 
For no other reason than perspective, my parents are dead, my brothers won't talk to me and they don't let their kids talk to me either.  My aunt who was like my sister also won't talk to me.  They all cut me from their lives as soon as I notified them.  The reason, rather the excuse?  Religion.  So no blood family anymore.  Still, I'm doing well and am happy.  My wife and kids are still with me and still love me.  I have friends who like to spend time with me and overall I am well liked. 
In your case it sounds like you still have a good nuclear family and while your sister is being a total twit, she's still in your life which is a good thing.  I have no doubt that the thing with the niece will sort itself out over time. 

Nail on head. Its her she's protecting, not your niece.

My mother and sister are the same - be yourself etcetc. I think I was 21/22 and I was still hearing about how it was a phase. I shared a flat with my sister at this point and she came home absolutely stinking drunk one night and spent about 3 hours ranting at me about how I was doing the wrong thing- and she didnt want a sister. I was surprised as while we had a good relationship on the whole.  Shortly after my mother went down the smlame tracks of telling me daily I had made a huge mistake, I was only early 20's so it'd be easy to sort out.

That blew up, I moved out, and didn't speak to them for nearly a year. Quiet difficult as I still lived in the same smallish commuter town as my sister

Things are better on the whole now. We have our moments, like an email from my Mum saying I shouldn't be trying to 'play mum' after our little girl was born. All the fun of the circus.

Sad to hear Grace. I suppose I have done something similar. One of my sister in law has an issue with me. In her case I have told her I don't want her at any family visits until she gets over it. As she is a nosey so in so she is consumed with horror on missing out with what I'm going through.

My evil nature keeps whispering too me. "What would happen if you just happened to 'drop-in' to the lunch"  "Hi I'm Aunty Grace and I was just passing"

Just joking I know you wouldn't want to upset them.

Quote from: Cindy on July 25, 2016, 01:59:50 AM
My evil nature keeps whispering too me. "What would happen if you just happened to 'drop-in' to the lunch"  "Hi I'm Aunty Grace and I was just passing"

Just joking I know you wouldn't want to upset them.

Well this is true, but it could happen accidentally. Sydney is a large sprawling city and my sister lives in an area not easily accessed by me... but that doesn't mean we can't randomly bump into each other elsewhere.

Sorry you are going through this with your family Grace, hopefully some of them will come around a bit more in the future

I've been rejected by my family as well and and have excluded from any and all family functions

Some of them will talk on the phone to me sometimes but refuse to give any acceptance to the thought of me being anything other than a male

For quite awhile they would randomly make pointed comments about "Them perverts and queers" being the downfall of civilization

I'm just glad they've stopped trying to talk me into going back to church

My one sister seemed to accept me for a little while but then reverted back to referring to as her "Stupid little brother"

Oh well, I was the unplanned and unwanted child to begin with so I've always dealt with the feeling of rejection pretty much all my life

I came out to my sister nearly 20 years ago when I was first addressing my trans beasts - in part because she'd made so much of her own therapy that I'd thought she might have some insights into wtf had happened to us as kids (our mother is every bit as judgmental as you describe yours but that's a story for another day).

Her response was that I was considering mutilating myself for no good reason, that I was sick and "needed to be in therapy twice a week for the rest of my life" *and* she wrote our mother a letter to that effect, calling her responsible and that she (mother) should be paying for this therapy. The letter stopped short of actually outing me.

Suffice to say aside from telling her that that was an unwelcome act we haven't been in contact since.

I came to understand what had probably happened from her pov with the help of friends. My sis while never gay, had always made a big deal about all the lesbians she spent time with and my own friends (also gay women but of a different stripe) clued me in about a strong anti-trans theme in the women's movements of the '70-80s era which then made a bit more sense of said sister's actions.

I remain sad that we're estranged and have considered trying to undo that, however i have to say it's only a fleeting thought. I can't imagine opening myself up to that sort of toxic behavior especially now as I'm dealing with the reality of transition after so long 'on the fence'

*
Grace:

Ouch!  I feel your pain.  We can commiserate on this.   Likewise 'CrysC' and 'V M'

A cousin here at my same city (Phoenix, Arizona, USA) who is nearly in practicality a sister refused to allow me to attend her wedding (1987?) unless I wore some gawd-awful men's suit.  She and her mom, my aunt, specifically dis-invited me to Thanksgiving Day dinner 1993.

My sister refused to allow me to attend her wedding (1989) and refuses to acknowledge my existence to her two children, yet curiously she accuses me of not being in their lives and never writing to them.  If she hasn't noticed, as the parent, she controls all access to her children.  Of course they are in their early 20s and apparently do not know that I exist.  Sad.  There loss more than mine.  I figure one day the truth will come out.

It is not as if there is a 'before' and 'after' to explain to them.  I had long been transitioned years before either were born.  I was always their 'aunt'.

Yep, Grace, we do 'expect better' from family which is why we feel disappointment more acutely than a throw-away relationship.  How many times many separate counsellors tell me to quit wasting time on my sister, yet I feel she deserves 'one more chance'.

*

The elder one of my two sisters had been very bigoted on my ->-bleeped-<- and crossdressing. I had a lot of arguments with her. I thought she would not change her mind for her entire remaining life.

But she suddenly became supportive of me, once she saw my bikini photos I sent her through smartphone. I am thankful for the inventor of bikini (not an island).

barbie~~

Quote from: Ms Grace on July 24, 2016, 10:36:06 PM
My sister says she "accepts me" but she is keeping my neice in the dark for her daughter's safety. 30 months in the dark. While I don't deny there is a need to handle the news of my transition with appropriate sensitivity and common sense, the only person I see my sister trying to keep "safe" is hers

Grace,
The sad irony is that your niece is more likely to accept you than a lot of the "adults." She is probably kinder and more accepting. Knowing the real you would make her a better person also. In my experience the younger family members were way more likely not to bat an eye when I told them my news. They were like,"Oh that's your secret! Okay! What else you got?"  Now they only seem to worry that they will use the wrong pronoun.
Moni

Quote from: Ms Grace on July 24, 2016, 10:36:06 PM
My sister says she "accepts me" but she is keeping my niece in the dark for her daughter's safety.

Hi Grace,

Can you explain what dangers your sister believes will befall your niece if she knew you were a transgender woman?  People seem to make these blanket statements all the time about transpeople but never give much detail.  I think it's usually because it sounds absolutely foolish when they actually voice the logic behind their conclusions.

I hope things get better,
Paige :)

Quote from: Ms Grace on July 24, 2016, 10:36:06 PM
I was having a pointed conversation with my mother about my sister's lack of acceptance of my transition. I'd been excluded from my nephew's 18th birthday family lunch all because my sister won't tell my 10 year old niece that she has an Aunty. My mother said that I knew this could happen going into transition and asked "what did you expect?"

My response? I expected better. My sister was the one person I thought I could rely on for acceptance and support. How wrong I was. All that lip service she pays to "being yourself" is apparently just that, lip service. Even my father who I half expected to disown me has begrudgingly accepted me. My sister says she "accepts me" but she is keeping my neice in the dark for her daughter's safety. 30 months in the dark. While I don't deny there is a need to handle the news of my transition with appropriate sensitivity and common sense, the only person I see my sister trying to keep "safe" is herself.

Yeah. I expected better is what I expected.

I'm sorry for that. There's not really a lot you can do. Maybe just get it back to her on the family grapevine that your sisters line has been disinherited. If asked why, say, well, I presumed we were excluding each other now, so there's nothing to discuss.

As to your sister, yes, maybe she is just protecting herself. It's ignorant and it's hurtful, but she has that right, and they are her children to tell whatever version she likes to. Ultimately, if you just leave it, and accept it with grace, you'll probably end up with something of an upper hand here - this niece will know somehow (through your parents or her brother) and having been kept from your company, will be more keen to seek you out to see what you're really like than she might otherwise have been.

So your sister can deal with all the teenage rebellion to come, and all the screaming matches about why home can't be like Aunt Grace's place. And you can just keep your counsel.

I'm lucky to have a niece and a sister accept me, but my other sister and her kids don't. My niece has two children that I've never seen , but I understand because it's tough. From your posts I know you have a close bond with your niece and it hurts, but she will hunt you down when she is able. Hopefully this can be resolved sooner than later , but she will be there for you.

Is it possible that the reason is that her school friends were going to be there? Or was it strictly family only?

I'm not suggesting it's any less hurtful to be excluded because of the first reason, but it might be slightly more understandable from her point of view - she'll want the lunch to be about her daughter, and for the other children to focus on that, not on turning it into an educational session on her sister who used to be her brother.

Maybe you could write to your sister and say you're hurt, but that you understand her daughters birthday isn't about you, and you hope that's a sentiment she shares, so can she and you and your niece do something together just the three of you, away from the planned lunch.

Rejection dressed up as "concern" is horrible. I am surprised that your mum makes allowances for her behaviour. I think you have every reasonable right to expect better from close family and friends.

Seriously - cutting you out of larger family gatherings to "protect" your sister is despicable. What exactly is the "wrong" you have committed? I think I t's time for your sister to grow up.