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Title: About time I figured this out
Post by: formerly-me on August 05, 2016, 04:03:12 PM
Post by: formerly-me on August 05, 2016, 04:03:12 PM
I'm a 38 year old man living in the US and I might be transgendered. (That "might" almost feels like a cop-out, actually.)
I can list off a lot of the same symptoms that many TG folk have: never feeling right in my body, being repulsed by my gender's emotional and behavioral stereotypes, having strong feelings of dysphoria when I am feeling depressed, wearing women's clothes and makeup is comforting, etc. I've know I've felt like this for 25+ years, but this is the first time I have been able to talk about it. Previous times I've thought about it, my thoughts haven't gone much further than "wow, that would be weird, I barely know how to use my body, like a completely different body would be any better..." But, on 2 July, for some reason, I forced myself to really think about it: what if it is better? I found no logical reason for it not to be.
I've been in therapy for the better part of 13 years but I switched therapists a few months ago. I was starting to feel stuck in the same old tropes and thought patterns with my old therapist, so I found a new one. We've already opened up a lot of my discomfort about my body and my (recent) problems with sex, and I was able to admit to her that I have been thinking about this recently. We've had a couple sessions since and she is extremely supportive and excited to help me on this journey, but wants me to know this is a process not to rush.
My community outreach has been to join tumblr (at http://formerly-me.tumblr.com, from where I have drawn some of this post). I wanted to find an older community than tumblr - and one more focused on the matter at hand - so here I am.
If you'll forgive a little TMI vulgarity, I want to talk about the best I ever had it.
About ten years ago, I was dating a woman who was the most supportive and understanding of my desire to dress as a woman. We ended up breaking up for entirely practical reasons that I was for some reason unwilling to overcome, but, when we were together, I felt more accepted than I had ever been. It started with sex. I put on her knickers and her skirt and felt sexier. She understood that, some days, that's how I wanted to be...and how I wanted to be made love to. I'd lie in bed, dressed, and she would lie behind me or on top of me and rub my back and my ass. She'd put on her strap-on and slide it underneath my skirt, resting it against my butt. She'd grind into me like that for a little bit, then she'd slide my knickers down and slide it inside me. I'd moan and sigh and...
Again, sorry to be graphic, but I need to acknowledge its truth: wearing women's clothes makes me feel sexier. It's not just simply that: I can explain why women's clothes make me feel sexier. Dressing as a woman and being treated as a woman made me feel better about myself and my body. Walking around her apartment in that skirt and those knickers, before we had sex, I was a better person. I felt calmer, more accepting, more understanding, more empathetic, more powerful. I understood the world in a different way and I understood more of it. I spoke less but said more. I felt more me than I ever had. Those clothes were a key to being the best version of myself I had (or have since) seen. Granted it's easy to be a better person in short doses (and with the promise of a reward of great sex), but I can't deny how much more at peace with the world I feel when I look, act, and am treated as a woman.
My identity, at this point, I feel is, well, drag king. I remembered that a few years ago, I was a bit obsessed with being Marlene Dietrich for Halloween. (I haven't dressed up for Halloween in 20 years.) I own the tux anyway. I'd just have to curl my hair and put on a little makeup. I thought about it more and I think that's where I am now: slightly masculine for a woman, dressing like a man for performative purposes.
All that being said, a couple days ago, I got to a point where I said to myself, "okay, I want to take hormones and present, but not transition." Hello?! That's pretty much all it is. So my head is in a weird place now.
Ah, this is probably long enough. Anyway, I look forward to talking to you all and hearing your stories. Furthermore, I live in NYC and would love to meet some trans women to learn about life. (And, to be frank, I want somebody to do my makeup. I want to see who I really am.)
Thank you for listening...
I can list off a lot of the same symptoms that many TG folk have: never feeling right in my body, being repulsed by my gender's emotional and behavioral stereotypes, having strong feelings of dysphoria when I am feeling depressed, wearing women's clothes and makeup is comforting, etc. I've know I've felt like this for 25+ years, but this is the first time I have been able to talk about it. Previous times I've thought about it, my thoughts haven't gone much further than "wow, that would be weird, I barely know how to use my body, like a completely different body would be any better..." But, on 2 July, for some reason, I forced myself to really think about it: what if it is better? I found no logical reason for it not to be.
I've been in therapy for the better part of 13 years but I switched therapists a few months ago. I was starting to feel stuck in the same old tropes and thought patterns with my old therapist, so I found a new one. We've already opened up a lot of my discomfort about my body and my (recent) problems with sex, and I was able to admit to her that I have been thinking about this recently. We've had a couple sessions since and she is extremely supportive and excited to help me on this journey, but wants me to know this is a process not to rush.
My community outreach has been to join tumblr (at http://formerly-me.tumblr.com, from where I have drawn some of this post). I wanted to find an older community than tumblr - and one more focused on the matter at hand - so here I am.
If you'll forgive a little TMI vulgarity, I want to talk about the best I ever had it.
About ten years ago, I was dating a woman who was the most supportive and understanding of my desire to dress as a woman. We ended up breaking up for entirely practical reasons that I was for some reason unwilling to overcome, but, when we were together, I felt more accepted than I had ever been. It started with sex. I put on her knickers and her skirt and felt sexier. She understood that, some days, that's how I wanted to be...and how I wanted to be made love to. I'd lie in bed, dressed, and she would lie behind me or on top of me and rub my back and my ass. She'd put on her strap-on and slide it underneath my skirt, resting it against my butt. She'd grind into me like that for a little bit, then she'd slide my knickers down and slide it inside me. I'd moan and sigh and...
Again, sorry to be graphic, but I need to acknowledge its truth: wearing women's clothes makes me feel sexier. It's not just simply that: I can explain why women's clothes make me feel sexier. Dressing as a woman and being treated as a woman made me feel better about myself and my body. Walking around her apartment in that skirt and those knickers, before we had sex, I was a better person. I felt calmer, more accepting, more understanding, more empathetic, more powerful. I understood the world in a different way and I understood more of it. I spoke less but said more. I felt more me than I ever had. Those clothes were a key to being the best version of myself I had (or have since) seen. Granted it's easy to be a better person in short doses (and with the promise of a reward of great sex), but I can't deny how much more at peace with the world I feel when I look, act, and am treated as a woman.
My identity, at this point, I feel is, well, drag king. I remembered that a few years ago, I was a bit obsessed with being Marlene Dietrich for Halloween. (I haven't dressed up for Halloween in 20 years.) I own the tux anyway. I'd just have to curl my hair and put on a little makeup. I thought about it more and I think that's where I am now: slightly masculine for a woman, dressing like a man for performative purposes.
All that being said, a couple days ago, I got to a point where I said to myself, "okay, I want to take hormones and present, but not transition." Hello?! That's pretty much all it is. So my head is in a weird place now.
Ah, this is probably long enough. Anyway, I look forward to talking to you all and hearing your stories. Furthermore, I live in NYC and would love to meet some trans women to learn about life. (And, to be frank, I want somebody to do my makeup. I want to see who I really am.)
Thank you for listening...
Title: Re: About time I figured this out
Post by: V M on August 06, 2016, 07:00:32 PM
Post by: V M on August 06, 2016, 07:00:32 PM
Hi :icon_wave:
Welcome to Susan's :) Glad to have you here, join on in the fun
Here's a few quick links to help you along
Please be sure to review
Hugs
V M
Welcome to Susan's :) Glad to have you here, join on in the fun
Here's a few quick links to help you along
Please be sure to review
Things that you should read
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Hugs
V M
Title: Re: About time I figured this out
Post by: formerly-me on August 07, 2016, 09:01:09 AM
Post by: formerly-me on August 07, 2016, 09:01:09 AM
Thank you! I will enjoy continuing my process here with all of you. :)
Title: Re: About time I figured this out
Post by: sid104 on August 07, 2016, 09:31:37 AM
Post by: sid104 on August 07, 2016, 09:31:37 AM
Being treated as woman and thinking yourself as a woman and many others thing which transwomen desire in their surroundings and life should not be perceived as weird..you should think of your goal as woman in a healthy way.
Title: Re: About time I figured this out
Post by: formerly-me on August 07, 2016, 02:38:52 PM
Post by: formerly-me on August 07, 2016, 02:38:52 PM
Quote from: sid104 on August 07, 2016, 09:31:37 AMOh, I don't think it's weird - if anything, it's more natural than my life has been so far. I just thought it was "weird" that I want to take hormones and present but not transition. In retrospect, this is most likely because I hate making "final" decisions.
Being treated as woman and thinking yourself as a woman and many others thing which transwomen desire in their surroundings and life should not be perceived as weird..you should think of your goal as woman in a healthy way.
Title: Re: About time I figured this out
Post by: Dena on August 07, 2016, 02:45:17 PM
Post by: Dena on August 07, 2016, 02:45:17 PM
On this site you will find there are others who feel as you do. For some of us surgery is the end goal but others can be comfortable without it. These people tend to fall into the non binary and there is a section of the site reserved for them. Gender isn't black and white but is instead many shade of grey.
Title: Re: About time I figured this out
Post by: Daria67 on August 07, 2016, 03:39:57 PM
Post by: Daria67 on August 07, 2016, 03:39:57 PM
I am 49 and have recently begun my own adventure of transition. For the longest time I thought there was only one option for transition. I now realize my journey is just that; MY journey. How I choose to express myself, if and when I choose HRT or surgery is a journey I must make myself. I'll tell you this. I can think of no better way of finding out just who your true friends are. I have surrounded myself with supportive friends who have become a better family than the one I was born with.
Sent from my SM-G530W using Tapatalk
Sent from my SM-G530W using Tapatalk
Title: Re: About time I figured this out
Post by: formerly-me on August 07, 2016, 03:50:00 PM
Post by: formerly-me on August 07, 2016, 03:50:00 PM
Quote from: Dena on August 07, 2016, 02:45:17 PMMy therapist explained some of this to me. When we started talking about this, she said "you know it isn't just black and white, right? There's genderfluid and non-binary... We will see where you land." So she might be more hip to this stuff than me.
On this site you will find there are others who feel as you do. For some of us surgery is the end goal but others can be comfortable without it. These people tend to fall into the non binary and there is a section of the site reserved for them. Gender isn't black and white but is instead many shade of grey.
Title: Re: About time I figured this out
Post by: formerly-me on August 07, 2016, 03:50:57 PM
Post by: formerly-me on August 07, 2016, 03:50:57 PM
Quote from: Daria67 on August 07, 2016, 03:39:57 PMThat's a good point. I certainly think my friends will all be supportive, but there's only one way to find out... More importantly, I look forward to the *new* friends I am making through this. ☺
I am 49 and have recently begun my own adventure of transition. For the longest time I thought there was only one option for transition. I now realize my journey is just that; MY journey. How I choose to express myself, if and when I choose HRT or surgery is a journey I must make myself. I'll tell you this. I can think of no better way of finding out just who your true friends are. I have surrounded myself with supportive friends who have become a better family than the one I was born with.
Sent from my SM-G530W using Tapatalk
Title: Re: About time I figured this out
Post by: Dena on August 07, 2016, 03:53:54 PM
Post by: Dena on August 07, 2016, 03:53:54 PM
Quote from: formerly-me on August 07, 2016, 03:50:00 PMLets see if we can surprise your therapist at the next visit with our WIKI (https://www.susans.org/wiki/Transgender).
My therapist explained some of this to me. When we started talking about this, she said "you know it isn't just black and white, right? There's genderfluid and non-binary... We will see where you land." So she might be more hip to this stuff than me.
Title: Re: About time I figured this out
Post by: formerly-me on August 07, 2016, 04:00:57 PM
Post by: formerly-me on August 07, 2016, 04:00:57 PM
Quote from: Dena on August 07, 2016, 03:53:54 PMHaha, there is so much to learn! Thankfully I am excited and making good progress. Like I said, there's no way this journey of self-discovery ends poorly.
Lets see if we can surprise your therapist at the next visit with our WIKI (https://www.susans.org/wiki/Transgender).
Title: Re: About time I figured this out
Post by: Michelle_P on August 07, 2016, 04:39:23 PM
Post by: Michelle_P on August 07, 2016, 04:39:23 PM
Quote from: formerly-me on August 07, 2016, 02:38:52 PM
Oh, I don't think it's weird - if anything, it's more natural than my life has been so far. I just thought it was "weird" that I want to take hormones and present but not transition. In retrospect, this is most likely because I hate making "final" decisions.
Your transition is what you do to become comfortable with yourself. No two people take the exact same path. Transition is not a fixed path or process to be marched along. It is more of a journey of exploration to find what you ultimately need.
If HRT and proper presentation make you feel complete and comfortable with yourself, then that is your transition. If you decide to do something else, at some future time, that is also part of your journey, your transition to your authentic self.
Now, go and become "currently-me"! :)
Title: Re: About time I figured this out
Post by: formerly-me on August 07, 2016, 07:01:59 PM
Post by: formerly-me on August 07, 2016, 07:01:59 PM
Quote from: Michelle_P on August 07, 2016, 04:39:23 PM
Your transition is what you do to become comfortable with yourself. No two people take the exact same path. Transition is not a fixed path or process to be marched along. It is more of a journey of exploration to find what you ultimately need.
If HRT and proper presentation make you feel complete and comfortable with yourself, then that is your transition. If you decide to do something else, at some future time, that is also part of your journey, your transition to your authentic self.
Now, go and become "currently-me"! :)
Strange, I see my initial reply got lost...
😍 Thanks for such a lovely and supportive reply. You are absolutely correct: I decide the path and when I have reached the end. With all of you here, I am sure that I will have a good, worthwhile journey that has a comfortable destination. I am well on my way to "currently-me." 😀 (Spoiler alert: I think that me will actually be known as Olivia.)
Title: Re: About time I figured this out
Post by: Daria67 on August 08, 2016, 10:08:42 AM
Post by: Daria67 on August 08, 2016, 10:08:42 AM
Well that is more than my therapist knew! Google is your friend
Sent from my SM-G530W using Tapatalk
Sent from my SM-G530W using Tapatalk
Title: Re: About time I figured this out
Post by: Daria67 on August 08, 2016, 10:10:09 AM
Post by: Daria67 on August 08, 2016, 10:10:09 AM
Quote from: Daria67 on August 08, 2016, 10:08:42 AMOlivia is a lovely name!
Well that is more than my therapist knew! Google is your friend
Sent from my SM-G530W using Tapatalk
Quote from: formerly-me on August 07, 2016, 03:50:00 PM
My therapist explained some of this to me. When we started talking about this, she said "you know it isn't just black and white, right? There's genderfluid and non-binary... We will see where you land." So she might be more hip to this stuff than me.
Sent from my SM-G530W using Tapatalk