Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I've dealt with depression and anxiety for most of my life. Hell, I don't even know what it feels like not feeling depression or being incredibly anxious and hard on myself. I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder in 2012 and Generalized Anxiety Disorder in 2014. I never really understood why I felt the way I did until after my gender identity revelation when I realized it was all due to gender dysphoria.

I am beginning HRT on August 15th, and I was searching through the threads of people who have already started HRT and many of them said they feel more calm, energetic and just more optimistic. Is this the case for you all as well? Does depression and anxiety really decrease when you begin HRT? If so, how long did it take for you?

I quit going to therapy in March as I realized it just wasn't helping and I no longer wanted to rely on anti medications as I hated the way they make me feel. I've recently contemplated seeing a new therapist but I want to wait until I begin hormones on the 15th to see if I notice any change in regards to my mental health.

I can't generalize for everyone, but my dysphoria did improve and the depression largely eased off by the end of the first month of HRT.  I wouldn't call it a cure for depression, as much as something that improved my mental functioning and offered me hope.  The depression seemed to be a result of the hopelessness of dealing with the dysphoria for a very long time.  Note that I was not put on antidepressants, as we thought I might have the mental 'tools' to work through my problems without the drugs.

I'm quite sure that if I stopped transitioning, that act of giving up would result in the return of depression.

I have heard and read lots of opinions..
For me personally.. HRT cleared up almost all my depression.. no other antidepressants even came close..
And i can easily tell when my estrogen starts to get low..
Anxiety wise.. it helped with some.. but transitioning gave me others.. i would call it a wash..

I have read many posts on this site that say their depression cleared up after going on hrt, or at least it got a lot less.
For me, that didn't happen, at all.
I was diagnosed with depression when I was 15 years old. I was put on anti-depressants. They don't work, well, not for me anyway. Sure they stop the lowest of the lows, but they also stopped the good high feelings too. I eventually had enough of that kind of state of mind and stopped taking them. Of course that was 28 years ago, and the meds I was on had severe withdrawal effects, that were not widely known or understood at the time. So that was one heck of a bumpy ride too.
I still suffer from severe depression, had a very bad bout yesterday, and it's still here today. I was unable to work yesterday it was so bad.
I'd say that transitioning got rid of a whole lot of problems and anxiety triggers, but replaced them with a whole host of new ones.
The only thing I can do to deal with depression is to tell my other half, so he can make sure I don't self-harm, and then I just wait until the darkness passes.
I think that's just the way I am, and it has little to do with my GD. Most of the time I just feel fundamentally incompatible with life.

I am sure I'm very much in the minority though, and hopefully you won't be like me.

V I am very sorry you are still struggling with depression. I know what you mean about the severe withdrawals getting off some of those medications. I stop one of them once and it was a very bumpy ride. They start you on these things and never tell you how hard it will be to get off them.

I am on a medium dose right now. I started on a low dose and it helped my depression greatly. I started a low dose and it started to help right away and increased to a medium does dyer a year.

I am calmer now and working to get off my depression medication. I hope it works the same for you.


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Sorry to hear that you have been going through that. HRT may very well reduce it, if the causes of it are your dysphoria. In my case, i suffered from both depression and anxiety most of my life. I had some strategies to deal with it, but none were as effective as HRT. It's basically gone and disappeared quickly. Things just bounce off me now and i'm calm and a lot happier.

Your mileage may vary, and i know it is easy to get your hopes up about treatment strategies. Work closely with your care team and medical professionals.

Quote from: SerenaOhSerena on August 10, 2016, 07:00:43 PM
I quit going to therapy in March as I realized it just wasn't helping and I no longer wanted to rely on anti medications as I hated the way they make me feel.

Whatever you do, do not stop taking your medications without talking to a psychiatrist- it's just too dangerous.

Have you talked to you doctor about the side effects of your meds? These days there are just so many drugs available that there's a very good chance that you and your MD can find a regime that will work for you.

Quote from: V on August 11, 2016, 04:35:09 AM
I was diagnosed with depression when I was 15 years old. I was put on anti-depressants. They don't work, well, not for me anyway. Sure they stop the lowest of the lows, but they also stopped the good high feelings too.

Has anyone ever ruled out your being bipolar? I'm not an expert, just someone who was for many years misdiagnosed with depression instead of bipolar, but the statement about "highs" just sets off too many bells.

it did for me, very quickly too, all dark thoughts vanished, I had suicidal thoughts mostly every day for the last 10-15 years, no more, no more, ever !!

I took SSRI's for 8 months 15 years ago with absolutely no result and resisted all attempts from family and professionals suggesting more SSRI (and they come back to the charge every time), I just knew that was not my problem, I dunno, I knew... I wasn't really depressive, or depression is not what they think, or it has many causes, mine had nothing to do with serotonin and all with estrogen and testosterone. ...and actually I'm pretty critic on the efficiency of SSRI's, I think science doesn't know what serotonin does exactly so yea, I think science is poking a toad with a stick and those I know who are on SSRI's I think have more effect from the placebo effect then anything else.

Quote from: Melanie CT on August 11, 2016, 06:07:02 AM
V I am very sorry you are still struggling with depression. I know what you mean about the severe withdrawals getting off some of those medications. I stop one of them once and it was a very bumpy ride. They start you on these things and never tell you how hard it will be to get off them.

I am on a medium dose right now. I started on a low dose and it helped my depression greatly. I started a low dose and it started to help right away and increased to a medium does dyer a year.

I am calmer now and working to get off my depression medication. I hope it works the same for you.

Yeah, withdrawal symptoms suck! I think doctors often just want you to pop a pill, and move onto their next patient.
Don't think about what happens later on, especially when you want to stop taking the pills.

I am glad that the meds are working for you. Do you have to wean yourself off them though? If they work then surely that's better than coming off them and risking the depression returning?

I dunno though, I'm no expert and they were never right for me.

Quote from: JenSCDC on August 12, 2016, 03:26:21 PM
Has anyone ever ruled out your being bipolar? I'm not an expert, just someone who was for many years misdiagnosed with depression instead of bipolar, but the statement about "highs" just sets off too many bells.

I did wonder if I might be bipolar, but after having read about that, I don't really have the severe ups and downs very often. I usually have more gentle ups and downs, and I thought that most people did too?
I have never really experienced the very high highs that bipolar people do. I do get the terrible lows though, but it's only once every few years that I actually attempt to kill myself, not that often really. I mean, I'm in my 40's, and I've had about 6 really serious attempts at ending it in that time. So I don't really see that as bipolar, just severe depression. My doctor agrees with that as well.

Dysphoria got mildly better for me, but not really since I'm still in the same body and the fact that being trans socially is a huge burden, like at the doctor or therapistss office. In some cases the HRT can make it worse. Medroxy progesterone drove me to the brink earlier this spring. It had been overprescribed but its effects still caused 2 hospital visits. I'm still trying to get that off of my record.

Quote from: V on August 12, 2016, 05:32:21 PM
Yeah, withdrawal symptoms suck! I think doctors often just want you to pop a pill, and move onto their next patient.
Don't think about what happens later on, especially when you want to stop taking the pills.

I am glad that the meds are working for you. Do you have to wean yourself off them though? If they work then surely that's better than coming off them and risking the depression returning?

I'm working my way off the depression medication with my doctor. Hope to be off them in a month.



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HRT did not decrease my depression. My therapist said I had long term depression. I resisted medication thinking I would be stigmatized ( I had been taking HRT for a while and thought a depression med would stigmatize me). I finally made an appointment with my primary doctor after a suicide attempt June 2015. He put me on a SSRI (selective serotonin reuptake inhibiter). I had the medication doubled three weeks later. I sleep all night (except 3 pee breaks) and feel well rested when I awake. I feel happy at times and although I still have lows and suicidal thoughts they are brief and I can reason out of them. 

My depression decreased after starting hormones. I think its because I experienced less dysphoria as I began to notice changes and started passing better.

Quote from: V on August 12, 2016, 05:32:21 PM
I did wonder if I might be bipolar, but after having read about that, I don't really have the severe ups and downs very often. I usually have more gentle ups and downs, and I thought that most people did too?
I have never really experienced the very high highs that bipolar people do. I do get the terrible lows though, but it's only once every few years that I actually attempt to kill myself, not that often really. I mean, I'm in my 40's, and I've had about 6 really serious attempts at ending it in that time. So I don't really see that as bipolar, just severe depression. My doctor agrees with that as well.

Not all people with bipolar experience extreme highs. My highs have been limited to feeling very energized and then most of the time just staying up all night working from home! The technical term is "hypomania", vs out and out pure mania. However, my lows have been very, very low, to the point where I've often wished that I weren't alive. Luckily, I've only been "actively" suicidal once, and then only for about 10 minutes.

Given that you have experienced some highs, I do urge you to get a second opinion on bipolar. At the very least, as your current MD why your highs haven't been episodes of hypomania.

Serena,

Warning, this may be a little triggering.

I too did not realize I was depressed. I just thought everyone felt that way.

HRT helped eliminate some anxiety and get more in touch with my feelings. I have been moving away from anger but experiencing other moods. Like Rachel Lynn, I too did not lose my depression. I don't know that it got any worse. However, it was still there. Before I might have horrific ideas of self injury, after I still had some minor "ideation".

I was put on a low level anti-depressant and pow, I improved. I, like Rachel Lynn, hoped to do it without additional medication but it seemed to be a problem. I always had trouble sleeping before. Now, I am able to sleep and wake up in the morning(always had problems getting up). I am more calm, clear and upbeat. My spouse is amazed at the difference after starting hormones(major step forward)  then another after the anti-depressant.

I hope your path smooths out as well.

With warmth,

Joanna

Quote from: JenSCDC on August 15, 2016, 01:20:43 PM
Not all people with bipolar experience extreme highs. My highs have been limited to feeling very energized and then most of the time just staying up all night working from home! The technical term is "hypomania", vs out and out pure mania. However, my lows have been very, very low, to the point where I've often wished that I weren't alive. Luckily, I've only been "actively" suicidal once, and then only for about 10 minutes.

Given that you have experienced some highs, I do urge you to get a second opinion on bipolar. At the very least, as your current MD why your highs haven't been episodes of hypomania.

OK, so I read up about Hypomania, and sadly that is pretty much me to a tee.
I'll get mad creative bursts and stay up all night, working on something or other.
I've filed many patent applications during bouts of what I now realise is Hypomania, I've also written an 80,000 word screenplay during an excessive bout. The problem comes at the end of these periods when I experience a massive crash, and then often end up hitting myself repeatedly with a meat hammer. At least I have figured out where to hit myself that won't leave any bruising. My life has it's ups and downs!

The thing is, what's the point of going to my GP? He'll only prescribe some 'happy pills' and I'm not going back on those things ever.
I would miss my crazy creative bouts. I've gotten some good money off a few of my patents.
It's part of me, and I don't want yet another "mental-ism" on my medical record, it's already pretty full!

But thanks for the advice nevertheless.
My BF looks out for me as best he can, and he repeatedly says he's never met anyone like me, not even remotely.

I am working myself off the depression medication but I can start to feel some depression coming back. I guess HRT doesn't take care of all it in some people. But I am feeling again and just don't want to go back on them once I get off.

It feels like I'm just stuck and will never be happy. So sick of fitting into what people think I should be. Be yourself as long as you are not different.


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Quote from: Melanie CT on August 15, 2016, 08:57:10 PM
I am working myself off the depression medication but I can start to feel some depression coming back. I guess HRT doesn't take care of all it in some people. But I am feeling again and just don't want to go back on them once I get off.

It feels like I'm just stuck and will never be happy. So sick of fitting into what people think I should be. Be yourself as long as you are not different.

Yep, this was my experience too. I really feel for you.
For me, the pursuit of happiness is like the pursuit of being cis-, there are brief moments where you feel great, but these are equalled by hopeless lows, with a general ambivalous feeling for the rest of the time.
I think that if I could live in complete isolation without the slow slide into self-destruction which always seems to accompany it, that would be an acceptable solution to the incompatibility I feel towards life.

My depression got better after I started HRT.

Quote from: V on August 16, 2016, 02:21:05 AM
Yep, this was my experience too. I really feel for you.
For me, the pursuit of happiness is like the pursuit of being cis-, there are brief moments where you feel great, but these are equalled by hopeless lows, with a general ambivalous feeling for the rest of the time.
I think that if I could live in complete isolation without the slow slide into self-destruction which always seems to accompany it, that would be an acceptable solution to the incompatibility I feel towards life.

I know what you mean. I wish I could just give up on everything and be on my own.

HRT did help me but I'm finding out its not the solution to my depression. I'm finding that out now trying to come off this stuff. I'm going to keep moving forward and if the depression comes back hard so be it. Maybe that will help come to the end. Just so sick of life lately.


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Thanks for all of the responses everyone. As I stated in the original post, I had been considering going to therapy again but I wanted to wait until I started HRT on the 15th of this month to see if I notice any mental changes.

Sadly, I was unable to start HRT on Monday due to a hangup with my insurance. Apparently the Planned Parenthood here doesn't take "PCP required" insurance from United Healthcare.

I've been thinking of saving money and trying again with Planned Parenthood and just paying out of pocket which <not allowed> pisses me off considering my insurance should cover it  >:(. But that's a rant for another day.

In any case, I've decided to proceed with therapy. I can't hold off on getting help with my mental health any longer. And I'm currently in contact with a therapist who sees patients dealing with gender dysphoria in addition to anxiety and depression. Hopefully I can get some of this mental instability solved soon.

Moderator's Edit: Removed a word that is against ToS 11