Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I need some advice, for the past few months i have been very confused about my gender. I really want to be a boy, im not sure if this makes me trans it just seems so farfetched how could i be transgender.I want to be a boy and be seen as one but iv always known myself as female, iv had the passing thought a few times over the years like am i trans but then i just dismissed it but this time it came into my head it won't leave no matter what i do. I thought of it and then part of me went dude i think you are but another part went you cant be a boy your a girl you've been a girl for 16 years of your life but the more i think about it the more confused and more sure i get i look back at my childhood and things that i didn't think were connected are piecing together but i cant shake the thought of i cant be but i cant find any reasons why it must be false besides iv always been a girl.

It has been on my mind 24/7 for months and im still confused. I see my school councillor and she said she sees no signs that this is the wrong path for me.

I have wanted to be a boy for years, it started as a casual 'i wish i was a guy' and the older i have gotten the more instant the thought has become, now im jealous of cis guys FTMs and all other male identifying individuals, i have dysphoria about my chest i always saw my boobs as useless lumps of fat and the older i get and the more i think about me being trans the more uncomfortable i become with them sometimes i cant touch them without feeling nauseous, if i can feel them there i dont like it. the thought of having sex as female makes me uncomfortable and disappointed and i hate being 'girly' there is nothing feminine about me besides my body, i never fit in as girl, i hate dresses they just seem 'wrong' when i see myself in them. i have experimented with my gender since questioning i have bound my chest, packed, been more masculine, none of this seems wrong the more i do it more i want to do it more and all the time, i hate being called lady and woman and i hate when people say you will make a good wife, and the thought of being pregnant and giving birth to a kid makes me feel wrong and uncomfortable.

since i have started thinking i might be trans my dysphoria has gotten so much worse i didn't used to get genital dysphoria but now i do coz i realise that i will never actually be fully male no matter who much i try or want it i will never be 100% biologically male i dont want to be trans i just want to be a cis guy.i used to be fine with people saying she/ her but now it just pisses me off and i like getting mistaken as a boy or if some says u look like a boy i feel happy and proud but im only realising this now. every time i start to think of myself as male or think maybe i am trans and maybe i am a boy i think about my body and the way people see me and i realise that im a girl, i feel like im just faking it in some way like i have somehow convinced myself to feel a certain way.

Sorry this is so long im just really confused. i want to accept it but i cant its gotten to the point where i just want it to go away i just want to stop feeling like this but a part of me is holding onto it and i think i would be disappointed if i wasn't trans, i came out to my mum the other day but im still scared, what if im wrong what if im not trans. sorry this is so long why cant i accept it?

What you describe sounds very much like how it was for me, just in the opposite direction. Growing up, I did not question that I was a boy, but it was just as obvious to me that boys wanted to be girls – at least that's how it was fro every boy whose thoughts I could see. :) It took me about 40 years to realise fully that cis people exist, which of course meant that the others were so much better at playing the role of a boy because they were boys; only at that point was I convinced that I'm trans. I still don't know what's going on in a cis person's head, just that there is a difference between them and me.

The main advice I'd offer is to keep in mind that this will not go away. Ever. So don't waste your time pretending to be someone you are not but rather try to figure out who you are. That said, it's not clear exactly what you should do about your gender; that's ultimately for you to figure out, and it will take time. It may turn out that you will find a way to be a woman (although likely only if you keep in mind that you don't have to conform to stereotypes); it may turn out that you will end up being a man; or you may end up somewhere else completely.

But you need to think about what you need to do. For example, is it necessary for you to not have breasts (for me, having smallish real ones is better than having phantom ones, and similarly I have two sets of genitals, one physically there and the other one feeling much more real than the first)? Is it important to you that people will see you as a boy? Is it important to you that you can like football? Figuring all this out takes time, but there's no shortcut.

Good luck, and welcome!

  Nfr

Welcome to the site.

Yup. It all sounds very familiar. I don't mean to sound patronizing or taking away legitimacy. Those of us who have come to accept our trans nature tend to have a version of your history. Thanks so much for sharing. It is not always easy.

Being trans(as you seem to realize) is something you have to accept. I think therapists and counselors are very important in our journeys but even they cannot fully diagnose us. It is the only condition I am aware of that we have to diagnose and accept ourselves before the medical community can really help us. In accepting, I don't mean we are happy about it. I know very few who are happy to be transgender(some of us like the fact that we can look at things from two perspectives- to a degree).

I think the questions and comments Seshatneferw included were pretty spot on. I think you should try to answer them but also run them by a therapist. Is it possible you could get to a gender therapist? You said you came out to your Mom. That is great. If she has any questions we have a Significant Others section here for not just romantic SOs but family members too. ( https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,26.0.html) Back to what I was saying- therapists are there not to tell you who you are or what you should be. They are there to help guide you through the maze of questions, confusions and doubts.

In my observations, it is true that it never goes away. Even when we don't know what it is. I was living life for 50 years before I really could put the thoughts, words and acceptance together. However, I realized that I have always had severe depression and the urges to self harm but they had gotten worse with age. I had urges that I thought were just a kink(not thinking that they showed up before puberty). Not trying to make this about me. Just trying to share how it kind of works differently but similarly too in many of us.

I have friends on here that have a saying. If you are worried you are trans and visit a site like this, you probably are. It seems that most cis folks don't really question it. Some play with the thoughts but it does not stick around, usually. I found when I got to the  point of admitting to myself that my dysphoria increased hugely as well.

I guess I am out of thoughts. I can't tell you who or what you are or what you should do. That is ultimately up to you. I can do what others here can, give ideas or suggestions. Most importantly, I can say that while you may feel like a freak or isolated; you are not alone. It is pretty rare but there are a lot of us.

Oh yes. We also have an area here called Youth Talk that is for members under 18. While we can talk about our experiences as adults, we recognize it might be more helpful to talk to members of the same age.
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,496.0.html

I also want to share some links with you. They are mostly welcome information and the rules that govern the site. If you have not had a chance to look through them, please take a moment:

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)	Standard Terms & Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html)	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.)
Reputation rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.0.html)	News posting & quoting guidelines (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,174951.0.html)	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,59974.msg383866.html#msg383866)

Once again, welcome to Susan's. Look around, ask questions and join in.

With warmth,

Joanna

That sounds very familiar just opposite. Unfortunately being trans is something you have to get used too. I would much rather be trans then be a guy. But at the same time I hate being trans but love being a girl. If you understand what I'm getting at.

You need to start somewhere and it seems like you have made that first step talking to someone. Just remember there are always people that love you and this community is full of amazing people that will help you in every way. :)


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This sounds very similar to me, when I was in school I remember thinking "I wish I was a girl" for so many years but I never thought it could be a possibility but when I was 15-16 I became much more conscious of it and it just got worse from there until I accepted it. I understand your jealousy aswell I used to get very jealous but not so much since I came out and accepted myself. I also loved it when anyone would say I looked like a girl or anything like that and eventually people referring to me as a guy or saying I was manly in anyway would instantly put me in a very bad mood and id just want to end the conversation even if people were being nice.
It's good to question if you are trans or not to help you realise things and talking to a therapist will probably help you realise things about yourself aswell. I didn't come out to my family until I was 22 and I wish I had done it at 16 they were some very unhappy years. I would recommend therapy as soon as you feel ready to try and help realise who you are as early as possible.
I wish you the best of luck with whatever path you choose ^^

I can definitely relate. Growing up, I can remember that I wished I could change bodies with a girl so that I could be one. For me, it was like looking through a one-way mirror in that I could see them, but they couldn't really see me. I played the role that was expected of me and made it very convincing. I tried to be as manly as I could and took it as a compliment towards my performance as a man when people would praise certain aspects of myself that I attributed to the socially normative male construct. My first time ever coming close to a breakthrough was when my wife found out I was bisexual (though gender and sexuality aren't mutually exclusive). It opened my mind to other possibilities. I never thought that transitioning to female was possible until I was doing a computer science research project. I discovered a computer scientist and electrical engineer named Lynn Conway (you can read her Wiki page, if you'd like. She's amazing!). She pioneered so much in the computer science world and she is trans. That gave me more confidence to come out from behind the glass. Years later, I came out to my wife as a transgender woman with no regrets in sight.

Your experience sounds very much like mine. I came to the trans realisation a bit more gradually but the feelings I went through in my early teens were very similar to what you're describing. Obviously I can't know how exactly you feel, but from what you've said you sound very much like a classic trans boy (I say this as a classic trans boy myself). The fact that you're questioning your gender in itself makes it pretty likely that you are trans and if you've tried coming out or presenting masculinely and liked it that pretty much confirms the fact.

Realising or admitting to yourself that you're trans is a big step and it can be frightening, but it really will change your life so don't deny it because you're afraid. Obviously take whatever time you feel you need and do things at your own pace but don't waste time hoping dysphoria will go away because it almost certainly won't.

It's brilliant that you have people you feel able to talk to and coming out or just sharing your feelings is the best first step out there. Also great that you've found this site because we will all accept and support you.

Feel free to PM me with any and all specific questions/worries/random comments, I'm a friendly 17-year-old FtM who's a bit further along the transition road and happy to share experiences and give advice.

Hope the comments on here have been helpful, best of luck!

Knowing for sure that you are trans is simple. If you are wondering, you are. The real question to be asking and sorting out is; Where in the Trans Spectrum am I? There are multiple universes that reside between cis-male & cis-female. Everyone gets their own planet. Many of us reside in the same solar system.

A good, any for real, gender therapist is a good place to explore or discuss your feelings and questions. Another is within the confines of a TG support group. While here is good, I find there is no substitute for real live face to face talking or listening to others share their feelings to make you think.

I feel that the biggest question as a transsexual person is who am I and how do I want to express myself.  Being trans is just a fact of life which is difficult at first to understand and accept, but one it's an accepted fact then we have to deal with how we are comfortable expressing who we are.   As a transsexual grandma, I have all of the choices that any grandma or woman who has ever existed has had and then some that haven't been thought of yet. 

Now for where you are in your life and what you need to do take care of yourself and other's you have a shared responsibility for you have to chose, how you are going to express yourself in your life, just like everyone else does.   But the choices have to be yours and not those you force on yourself or imagine others wish to force on you. 

In the long run, each person will make their own choices in their lives and if they chose to leave you because that's what they decide,  they may say to all of yourself imposed sacrifices, "Well you didn't have to."  But we must all compromise in our relationships, but compromise doesn't mean that one person always gives in and the other person remains unmovable. 

Our partners in life have to understand that we are trans and they have to accept that and accept the fact that we are going to express our gender in some manner or another and that this is who we are and they need to accept that.   

As a woman, that's who I am and that's how I will express myself, but that doesn't mean that my values and sense of responsibility have changed and I can't control how my partner thinks of me.  I just accept life as it is and hang on.