Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Urmm... This is embarrassing... Awkward... Uhh... Hi?

So... I don't even know where to start...
Do I just buy it over the counter or something? Does it change everything?
Well, obviously not everything, unfortunately x.x I doubt pills (or is it a syringe?) can change bones or organs.
Urmm... Is it too late at 21? I heard some things won't change no matter what, if it's too late and that's terrible.

Somehow I descended into a nervous wreck. It's like my instinctual response to anyone who might start mocking me, even if I know they won't -.-

I'll just scurry off now...

Welcome  to Susan's Place. In most countries there is an advanced medical system in place that you can access through your doctor. In addition, in the United States we have something called informed consent which in some parts of the country allow you to start HRT without extensive therapy and in the UK there is bridging treatment which is used while you are waiting for the system to get around to treating you. A gender therapist is a good place to start as they will help you explore yourself and are a good source of contacts for additional treatment.

You can transition at any age and I was unable to start HRT until I was 26. Others on the site have started much latter with even better results than I have had.

As for the rest, makeup, hair, fashions and whatever, this is a good place for what ever you need.

Should anybody ever give you a hard time on this site, simply hit the report to moderator button on the post and a moderator will correct the problem. There is no reason to feel uncomfortable on this site and any question you don't know the answer to should be asked. Let me know if there is anything I can help you with.

We issue to all new members the following links so you will best be able to use the web site.

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)	Standard Terms & Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html)	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.)
Reputation rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.0.html)	News posting & quoting guidelines (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,174951.0.html)	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,59974.msg383866.html#msg383866)

Alright, I think I'm in a less nervous mood now. It felt like unveiling one's deepest secrets. Unnerving.

I'm weird enough without creating more reasons for people to think I'm weird x.x
More specifically, for MTF... Do the bones still change or not? I knew I forgot to mention something, I just didn't have a handle on it.

And out of curiosity, how do things work specifically in Australia?
A therapist, huh. Hopefully, they won't say I'm insane. Is it expensive?

I think I may have seen some change in my bones but very little. On the other hand fat movement has made a great differenced in the shape of my body. It takes a while to happen and unfortunately my rear is the one place I am lacking but breast and legs while not great are still enough for me to be comfortable.

We have many Australian members including my boss Cindy so they can give you more detail, but if you have full medical coverage the government will pay many of your expenses. Referral may be a bit on the slow side but once your are in the system you will find you are treated well. As for being insane, you are not. Transgender is something that happens before you were born and it will always be with you. It is a physical condition and not a mental condition and if a doctor says otherwise, get another doctor. The links section of the site may help you locating a doctor if you are looking for one.

Quote from: Dena on August 26, 2016, 07:34:27 PM
We have many Australian members including my boss Cindy so they can give you more detail, but if you have full medical coverage the government will pay many of your expenses. Referral may be a bit on the slow side but once your are in the system you will find you are treated well.

Okay.

Quote from: Dena on August 26, 2016, 07:34:27 PMIt is a physical condition and not a mental condition and if a doctor says otherwise, get another doctor. The links section of the site may help you locating a doctor if you are looking for one.

A doctor. Any medical doctor? My aunt's a doctor, although I doubt she's equipped for something like that and she was promoted into a managerial position rather than dealing with patients.

Ouch, that would make an awkward conversation. And I don't think I'll be able to see her for a few years, unless I get in a plane. Complicated.

If only I could go back in time and tell myself how stupid I am. Very stupid. Total moron.
I read those articles of the children acting like their world is falling apart and screaming.
Yeah... Should have done that. Little good hiding did. Looking back, I think I could have twisted my parent's arms.

Unfortunately, I was also a little too smart for my own good. I never left a paper trail.
Erased anything that could be constituted as evidence on the computer.
They only caught me cross-dressing like once or twice, but then I just got better at hiding it.
Merely a shy child who didn't want to be seen as a freak. A moronic one at that.

Can't remember which age that was exactly... 12? Earlier? Somewhere around there.
Oops, I almost started ranting. That's no good, I could go on for half an hour.

And what's with the constant triple CAPTCHA to make sure I'm not a bot? x.x
If I'm a bot, then my creator is a genius.

We all get pretty good at hiding. I knew at 13 and got caught once by my brother coming home when I didn't expect him. I got blackmailed off that and outed the first time. I lied my way out of it and went back in the closet until I was 23. In my case it wouldn't have made any difference as medical treatment wasn't closer than 2000 miles and they wouldn't treat you unless you were 18. In addition my parents couldn't have afforded the treatment so at least in the closet, nobody bugged me.

Medical views have changed but there are still a few bad doctors out there so if you run into one, FIRE THEM as soon as possible. You have waited far to long and you don't need to deal with the system for 8 years like I did to get where you are going. I didn't have any options as early as I was but in 40 years things have greatly improved.

As for the bot thing, I am not sure of the exact count, but if you read the links I gave you, you will be freed and become a human by 15 posts. We often are attacked on this site and unfortunately, making sure you are human is a requirement.

Quote from: Xirafel on August 26, 2016, 07:22:13 PM
Alright, I think I'm in a less nervous mood now. It felt like unveiling one's deepest secrets. Unnerving.

I'm weird enough without creating more reasons for people to think I'm weird x.x
More specifically, for MTF... Do the bones still change or not? I knew I forgot to mention something, I just didn't have a handle on it.

And out of curiosity, how do things work specifically in Australia?
A therapist, huh. Hopefully, they won't say I'm insane. Is it expensive?

Take what I'm about to say with an extreme grain of salt lol. Anyways yes to answer your question, bones arent set by mid 20s or so but the odds of it happening at your age are minimal but the chance is there, depending on what your background/medical history. Like in my case I never really masculinzed during puberty minus a voice drop and facial hair, my skeletal structure for some reason developed more like the women of my family. Anyways long story short I started hrt at 21 with a small rib cage and already wide hips so when I started E, everything just fell into place physically and so my hips got bigger bone wise within the first 4 months. I know this for a fact because I was very meticulous about taking measurements of my body constantly. And I didn't really gain weight till a couple of years later (fast metoblism) plus fat redistribution takes forever so I knew for certain it couldnt have been that.

To contrast what I'm saying had I not started hrt when I did, I'm pretty sure eventually my bones would of set for life and would of masculinzed at some point because I was still being exposed to T. From what I've read of others who have had similar body types like myself prehrt but didn't start till their later 20s and 30s..etc They usually all ended up masculinzing to some degree eventually.

Quotebefore you were born

I'm about 90% sure that it was probably due to brain damage immediately after birth where some genius (x.x) accidentally cut off the oxygen supply. Unfortunately, mankind knows next to nothing about the brain.
They'll probably figure out how to do a 100% sex change before they vaguely figure out how the human brain works.

Quote from: Dena on August 26, 2016, 10:24:57 PM
We all get pretty good at hiding. I knew at 13 and got caught once by my brother coming home when I didn't expect him. I got blackmailed off that and outed the first time. I lied my way out of it and went back in the closet until I was 23.

My mother was pretty thorough with searching. Under the bed. Under the mattress. In the drawers. Etc.
Luckily, they made a lot of mix-ups with the laundry and odd things ended up in my wardrobe. Even underwear. I'm guessing they weren't paying much attention. How they missed some of the really frilly or purple / pink ones, I have no clue.

Apparently, they were smart enough to not throw skirts in though, so I had to infiltrate some places, while being nervous about each and every footstep. Creaky floorboards.
I don't know how I was dumb enough to do it, but it turned out that wearing a bra under regular clothes was a really bad idea and resulted in getting caught.

Quote from: Dena on August 26, 2016, 10:24:57 PM
In my case it wouldn't have made any difference as medical treatment wasn't closer than 2000 miles and they wouldn't treat you unless you were 18. In addition my parents couldn't have afforded the treatment so at least in the closet, nobody bugged me.

For the most part, I was an ignorant child. The few occasions I heard of it involved extensive surgery, etc. as many people seem to equate it with getting everything done. Hormones? All I knew is that it had something to do with menstruation. Practically nothing.

I'm convinced that my parents knew about the condition in general but not my own condition and Ugh.
I was an idiot. If someone ever invents a time machine, I'll have to pay myself a visit.

I'm fairly skinny with a ridiculously fast metabolism, so hopefully that might have positive results in looking passable? Probably not. The hips are... Not even close. Don't know about the shoulders. Voice is obviously off. Face is well... Bad.

Quote from: Xirafel on August 28, 2016, 05:58:05 PM
I'm about 90% sure that it was probably due to brain damage immediately after birth where some genius (x.x) accidentally cut off the oxygen supply. Unfortunately, mankind knows next to nothing about the brain.
They'll probably figure out how to do a 100% sex change before they vaguely figure out how the human brain works.

Our gender identity and sexual preference are determined long before we are born so while cutting off oxygen isn't a good thing, it didn't cause this.

Quote
My mother was pretty thorough with searching. Under the bed. Under the mattress. In the drawers. Etc.
Luckily, they made a lot of mix-ups with the laundry and odd things ended up in my wardrobe. Even underwear. I'm guessing they weren't paying much attention. How they missed some of the really frilly or purple / pink ones, I have no clue.

Apparently, they were smart enough to not throw skirts in though, so I had to infiltrate some places, while being nervous about each and every footstep. Creaky floorboards.
I don't know how I was dumb enough to do it, but it turned out that wearing a bra under regular clothes was a really bad idea and resulted in getting caught.

My mother paid far to much attention for a accident like the to happen. My brother and I shared the same dresser and our stuff never got mixed up. Much of it looked alike and only varied by a difference in size.

Quote
I'm fairly skinny with a ridiculously fast metabolism, so hopefully that might have positive results in looking passable? Probably not. The hips are... Not even close. Don't know about the shoulders. Voice is obviously off. Face is well... Bad.

You have a good starting point and the doctor won't be asking you to lose weight before you can receive HRT. As for the rest of it, let's see what we can do.

A fast metabolism will slow down fat distribution, since there isn't much fat to start with. I know. At 50, I am still at my high school weight, and I started hormones at 25.  You can still develope into a lovely young lady, with all the curves and everything. Your metabolism just means the change in your body shape may take longer than average.

I was going to write up a thread venting, but that would feel really bad after hearing you say that.

Alright, I had the weirdest conversation imaginable. I confess to my mother and she gives me a long speech about weird spiritual stuff involving reincarnation.
It boggles my mind. Maybe, I'm a little too good at acting?

So, she's dragging me off to speak to the spirits or something to get their opinion? I don't know what's going on. What has she converted to this time...
Well, at-least she said I would reincarnate as a girl, that'll give me some false hope.

Maybe, I should have spoken to the rational one. No... He's a little too grumpy these days.

Something I didn't mention is that I'm in a very... Complicated situation. Living in Australia for the next few years, I'm not a citizen however, and was born in the UK.
While I'd love to put it off for a few years, the symptoms are becoming extremely annoying.

Palpitations, panic attacks, emotional breakdowns, irrationally pleading with higher beings, crying, extreme stress, lack of concentration from the annoying thing constantly resounding in my head, etc.

Also, what would you do about voices? I used to love singing, but then my voice went bad and that was that. Out the window. I hate speaking as I don't want to hear it.

Quote from: Xirafel on September 01, 2016, 10:05:50 PM
Also, what would you do about voices? I used to love singing, but then my voice went bad and that was that. Out the window. I hate speaking as I don't want to hear it.

HRT will not effect your voice but there are two options. Most of the time it's possible to train your voice to sound feminine. It's not difficult to do but it takes a lot of work to get it right. I have had voice surgery because my voice was one of the few that therapy wasn't able to help. Voice surgery only added to my pitch and I still need to use my training to make the voice sound feminine.

Quote from: Xirafel on August 26, 2016, 10:12:08 PM
A doctor. Any medical doctor?

Hi Xirafel, I am also in Australia. Originally, I went to my family GP and asked for a referral to a therapist with experience dealing with transgender patients. After a few months of seeing the therapist, she wrote a referral letter to an endocrinologist stating that I was trans and in need of HRT.

Quote from: Violets on September 02, 2016, 09:22:12 AM
Hi Xirafel, I am also in Australia. Originally, I went to my family GP and asked for a referral to a therapist with experience dealing with transgender patients. After a few months of seeing the therapist, she wrote a referral letter to an endocrinologist stating that I was trans and in need of HRT.

Do you have any idea how much that might cost?

I'd assume that the costs would include visiting the doctor, convincing the therapist for a few months that I'm not delusional, sessions with an endocrinologist (I have no clue what that is) and presumably the pills (I'm picturing $100/month or so in my head for the pills).

I'm not even going to try guessing the costs of the others as my imagination is extremely pessimistic.
Also, I noticed these threads have tags. Does anyone use the tag system? Should I add some tags?

This was my cost in the USA.  This was without insurance coverage.  Insurance lowers the cost a lot.

Three psychologist visits, $160 each.

Cost for the psychologist to write the HRT letter. Another $160.

First Dr visit with blood tests, $430.

HRT cost per month, $150.  This might be less depending on the prescription.

Hi Xirafel

i also live in (Melbourne)  Australia, I just started HRT, but i'm the same boat as you i'm 22 nearly 23 but i understand about your parents and the situation you are in.

I'm exactly the same .  so if you want to talk please let me know.

Quote from: Xirafel on September 02, 2016, 07:29:05 PM
Do you have any idea how much that might cost?

We are fortunate to have a reasonably affordable healthcare system in Australia, so hopefully the costs for you won't be prohibitive.

If you're lucky, your GP (aka doctor) will bulk bill, so the cost there would be $0.

I saw a psychiatrist, so that was quite expensive @ about $85 per half hour session (after the Medicare rebate). If you see a psychologist, you might be able to go cheaper if you've got private health insurance.

The endo costs were about the same as the psychiatrist.

HRT is listed on the PBS, so is cheap. Per month it costs me less than $15 in total for Spiro and Oestradiol.

Depending on where you are in Australia, you might be able to go to a clinic that specialises in trans care, and is a one-stop-shop for all the above services.

Quote from: Violets on September 02, 2016, 11:26:01 PM
We are fortunate to have a reasonably affordable healthcare system in Australia, so hopefully the costs for you won't be prohibitive.

Depending on where you are in Australia, you might be able to go to a clinic that specialises in trans care, and is a one-stop-shop for all the above services.

I hope not, I'm not exactly made of money.
Depending on where I am... I would assume they would be present in the major cities, right?

Quote from: Deborah on September 02, 2016, 07:38:51 PM
Three psychologist visits, $160 each.

Cost for the psychologist to write the HRT letter. Another $160.

First Dr visit with blood tests, $430.

HRT cost per month, $150.  This might be less depending on the prescription.

How frequent are the doctor visits? Six months? A year? Same blood tests and cost every time?

Quote from: Asheylov on September 02, 2016, 07:43:47 PM
Hi Xirafel

I also live in (Melbourne)  Australia, I just started HRT, but I'm the same boat as you I'm 22 nearly 23 but I understand about your parents and the situation you are in.

I'm exactly the same.  so if you want to talk please let me know.

Thank you, I might take you up on that.

I probably should post this segment in the Coming Out section rather than in here, as it has nothing to do with hormones. Back to dealing with my lovely mother.

Well, so much for seeing the spirits (even though it would be a waste of time), she fell asleep and forgot about it.
She acts as if nothing ever happened. I have a strong sinking suspicion she doesn't take it seriously in the slightest. What a pain. Ah, what a giant pain.

Alright, I'll stop consciously acting "normal" (which is really just actively stopping myself from doing anything that's excessively girl-like, my mind basically fights against itself) and see how girly I have to be to freak her out.

Actually, it probably wouldn't freak her out. Well, let's see how much it would take to make her take it seriously.
Cross-dressing just seems to amuse her at best and she basically doesn't care about that. That was actually her reaction to it the first time.

Quote from: Xirafel on September 03, 2016, 07:41:25 PM
How frequent are the doctor visits? Six months? A year? Same blood tests and cost every time?

After the first visit there is another in 60 to 90 days and then every six months after that.  Each visit consists of the same thing with blood test.  So the cost is the same.

Quote from: Xirafel on September 03, 2016, 07:41:25 PM
Depending on where I am... I would assume they would be present in the major cities, right?

Yes, that is correct.

Also, I forgot to mention that all my blood tests so far have been bulk-billed, so there is no out-of-pocket cost. :)

I might be half-asleep (5am o-o), but I can't find the "Adam's Apple".
Strange, maybe I'm looking in the wrong place on my throat.

The face would probably be tricky, although I'm not a face expert, unless I want to walk around wearing a mask and pretending to be mute. Half the city would probably turn and look.

I'm a bit of a vampire. No one can see what I'm wearing or doing at this hour.
Even the part where I avoid mirrors to avoid being exposed is kind of vampiric.

I'll see if I can find a clinic or something within the next few weeks, but I might have to drag my parents in, if the costs are prohibitive. I'd like to avoid putting a huge dent in my finances or asking them for money, if possible.

My mother still doesn't seem to take it seriously, even after I try to make her take it seriously. I don't sound that crazy, do I?
I left my father out of the loop for now, as he's in a really grumpy mood these days and it would just be tossing oil on the flames, even if he is the most rational one.

hi xirafel

I'm wondering if you could contact me in pm. if you are in Melbourne i can help you a lot.

Arrived in Brisbane. Unfortunately, Medicare is beyond my reach unless I want to push things forward by an entire year (I did some research), I probably need a therapist in general anyway before I jump off the highest building I can find.

An additional question I should probably ask. How much would private health insurance cost?

Hi again Xirafel,

I remember that before my puberty, I used to sing a lot, even started professionaly with my teacher and sang on some rare occassions..Anyway, as puberty hit me and my voice began to jump, I got scared and felt ashamed of it. I tried to maintain what nature wanted to change and failed- or at least I thought so.

You mentioned you used to sing... And that's good, because...

I recently tried to find my feminine voice and guess what happened- it was like my body remembered I tried to maintain my pre-pubertal voice. It's much easier! (or at least I think it is). Most people need some training, voice teacher and a lot of time to be able to hit that pitch, resonance and melody. I did it in a week of intense "try and fail". And now, I'm even able to speak with my feminine voice, for about 5 minutes. Most of the time, I can switch from male to female in a second and I'm sure, once I don't need my male side, I'd be able to speak like a proper girl :)

All this because I didn't give in so easily during puberty. I tried different things, I played with my voice, pushing it higher and higher to the point where I thought the nature won and I'll have to keep that awful gringe forever.

All I'm trying to say is that chances are, if you used to sing before puberty and played with your voice like I did, you will be fine. No voice surgeries needed with much less effort.

My only wish (so far not met) is that I could sing with a girly voice. Maybe once I come out of the closet.

Alright, let's put it slightly more honestly and without as many smoke and mirrors.

If I can't get the treatment, then I might as-well just kill myself. This horrible mental illness has already crippled me at any chance of employment, as it constantly distracts me. Luckily, I'm just a penniless student, although it's making things extremely difficult here too. Extremely difficult. I'm already deep in student debt and it looks like it'll send me down further if I have to repeat the years.

The doctors and therapists seem to be conspiring to squeeze out any drop of money I have, my stupid parents have sent me to some distant country where I have no healthcare without paying through the nose, and now I have the chance to borrow thousands of dollars for the hope of staving the curse off momentarily.

Even the cold hard embrace of the UK's NHS with doctors shouting at me for annoying them with my flu or ear infections and them prescribing the wrong drugs would be vastly more inviting than this.

I am completely and utterly screwed.

Quote from: SidneyAldaine on September 15, 2016, 07:22:02 PM
I remember that before my puberty, I used to sing a lot, even started professionaly with my teacher and sang on some rare occassions..Anyway, as puberty hit me and my voice began to jump, I got scared and felt ashamed of it. I tried to maintain what nature wanted to change and failed- or at least I thought so.

You mentioned you used to sing... And that's good, because...

I recently tried to find my feminine voice and guess what happened- it was like my body remembered I tried to maintain my pre-pubertal voice. It's much easier! (or at least I think it is). Most people need some training, voice teacher and a lot of time to be able to hit that pitch, resonance and melody. I did it in a week of intense "try and fail". And now, I'm even able to speak with my feminine voice, for about 5 minutes. Most of the time, I can switch from male to female in a second and I'm sure, once I don't need my male side, I'd be able to speak like a proper girl :)

All this because I didn't give in so easily during puberty. I tried different things, I played with my voice, pushing it higher and higher to the point where I thought the nature won and I'll have to keep that awful gringe forever.

All I'm trying to say is that chances are, if you used to sing before puberty and played with your voice like I did, you will be fine. No voice surgeries needed with much less effort.

My only wish (so far not met) is that I could sing with a girly voice. Maybe once I come out of the closet.

Interesting. I'll give it a try sometime.

I like this girl - she's real and tells it straight, but also funny... I honestly don't know what to say, but I've attempted suicide 37 times and in all-reality I'm glad I've failed every single attempt. I honestly won't go into details, but have you tried seeing around into your university for hormones. We've got a few where I live over in the US near me who actually either pay full on costs and procedures or at huge discounted prices to their students for the time they're there. Which encourages them to not get a second job while attending school at the same time. They look at it as they're paying enough all ready and we don't want them to be distracted from their college work to succeed. Honestly they might have something on that line or at least help you with referrals at no cost at least. I mentioned this because you did say your a university student, right? I don't know how it is over in other countries, but it's something from my own experiences that might correlate with yours. Although, I left a seriously good 4 year school and engineering job to become who I am today - and I've not looked back ever since.

Quote from: Raye on September 20, 2016, 07:40:37 PM
I like this girl - she's real and tells it straight, but also funny... I honestly don't know what to say, but I've attempted suicide 37 times and in all-reality I'm glad I've failed every single attempt. I honestly won't go into details, but have you tried seeing around into your university for hormones. We've got a few where I live over in the US near me who actually either pay full on costs and procedures or at huge discounted prices to their students for the time they're there. Which encourages them to not get a second job while attending school at the same time. They look at it as they're paying enough all ready and we don't want them to be distracted from their college work to succeed. Honestly they might have something on that line or at least help you with referrals at no cost at least. I mentioned this because you did say your a university student, right? I don't know how it is over in other countries, but it's something from my own experiences that might correlate with yours. Although, I left a seriously good 4 year school and engineering job to become who I am today - and I've not looked back ever since.

Thank you.

My head is filled with ways of committing suicide and methods to maximise the chances of success. So far, a shotgun to the head is unsurprisingly in the lead. Unfortunately, I didn't have a shotgun at the time when I was at the darkest depths and the suicide failing would make it harder to die as the silly doctors would force me to stay alive.

No doubt they want to wring every penny from my shrivelled corpse. Actually, that might be one of the few things I don't need the card for.

I have no clue. I recently moved but my previous universities were intent on robbing me for every shred of money they could get their hands on, similar to the doctors and therapists in a way. They were like vultures. It was a constant battle and the standards were as good as toilet paper. Glorious debt. Let's see what the new ones will be like.

I highly doubt they would help me with my medical fees though. If the state won't do it, and quite frankly they shouldn't need to either, then why would they? From what I've seen so far, universities are run like businesses, they go for whatever route will give them the most income.

I found this it may help with your questions: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php?topic=36258.0
I'm not mtf but i went looking for some information for you.

  :D

Quote from: Tristan on September 21, 2016, 08:43:39 AM
I found this it may help with your questions: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php?topic=36258.0
I'm not mtf but i went looking for some information for you.

  :D

Thank you for the help.

The only one there which really scares me is the tumour and that's mainly because it might make me go blind.
The idea of going blind is much scarier than death. Death is fairly trivial at this point.

Quote from: Xirafel on September 21, 2016, 09:07:24 AM
Thank you for the help.

The only one there which really scares me is the tumour and that's mainly because it might make me go blind.
The idea of going blind is much scarier than death. Death is fairly trivial at this point.

I just skimmed it, i doubt that would happen or you'd go blind i really wouldn't take everything everyone says as absolute truth. And the best advice anyone can give you is your doctor but i've never heard of that before I'm no doctor but still. I mean from the looks that was on the list so it must be true but that don't mean it'll happen. ^.^; and trust me we all got fears of some kind but most of the time there not so scary as we make them out to be in the beginning, sometimes we scare ourselves.

Xirafel, I've got a pituitary tumor, and it hasn't slowed me down.  Mine was actually there before I started HRT, but with monitoring via a simple blood test for prolactin, the risk is very small.  I initially had an MRI done (expensive!) but since then have found that a simple cheap diagnostic test could have told me the same thing, that like most prolactinomas, this one is producing inert megaprolactin molecules.  The test is a prolactin fractional measurement, a simply chromatography test that sorts out the regular and mega versions.  This prolactinoma is unlikely to grow, and won't eventually cause scary double vision or eventually blindness.

If it was risky, there's a medication I could take twice a week that shrinks prolactinomas away over several months.

Your endocrinologist should run an endocrine panel on you before starting HRT, so you'll both know where you are starting from, and will have something to compare against later quarterly and annual tests.  These can include the prolactin measurement.

This really shouldn't be a concern for anyone getting HRT under a doctors supervision.

Quote from: Michelle_P on September 21, 2016, 11:32:46 AM
This really shouldn't be a concern for anyone getting HRT under a doctors supervision.

Assuming they don't all tell me to get lost, I would be glad to.
Interesting to hear that it isn't a crippling issue however.

If you could hear my thoughts, I would sound like a drug addict x.x
"PILLS PILLLS PILLLLLSSS!!! WHERE ARE MY PILLS?! Come on, just give me some pills!!! I need them!!! PILLLLLSSS!!!!!"

And sometimes, I'm normal. Well, as normal as you can call someone who looks like they've had their soul sucked out of them.

I hate getting Migraines, but w/e I've had them numerous of times when I was younger when my E Levels were higher than my T until around 17. And now I get them again LOL just life though. But lemme tell you they suck so if your fortunate to not get them your quite lucky! ^^

I haven't started on the magical hormone pills yet, how very unfortunate, but I get a headache every other day consistently. Luckily, I have many headache pills to counter that.

Okay, another twist has occurred. According to my parents, I'm screaming and crying in my sleep, how pleasant sounding. Also, I'm extremely anxious and have very severe mood swings.

They want to send me to a doctor to hopefully fix it, although it's probably just a normal one. Still, it might help, probably. Unfortunately, she still ignores me when I tell her that I'm trans and thinks this is a completely separate issue x.x

If your folks do send you to a doctor to 'fix' this, be sure to tell the doc about your transgender issues.  That can be a very real source of all the anxiety bubbling up in you, and pointing the doc in that direction rather than letting them guess can produce results for you, like treatment or referrals for proper treatment, and a Real Live Doctor Authority Figure telling your mom that you are a transgender person in need of support and treatment.

This could be a Good Thing for you.

Oh no, he stepped into the discussion and started his speech about how all doctors and psychologists are pure evil. He's probably right.

A nice long speech about how they will take everything I say and do as evidence against me. They might not be wrong, it's basically just showing up to convince them that they should prescribe the pills.

She says to see a doctor but is passive, and he's leaning against it. Hard.
They want my opinion, I'll try to poke them in the direction of a psychologist x.x

I don't really care if they're evil. I need the pills and I'll pry it out of the hands of a demon if I have to x.x

I hope you thoroughly explained your issues to 'this' doctor to get started really. Don't let it go to waste 'kay?!

I haven't seen this doctor yet. Unfortunately, I'm extremely paranoid, so what they said about psychologists twisting my words around to destroy my life by making it look like I'm a menace to society is still bouncing around my head.

The dark side beckons. I don't really think a regular doctor is really qualified for this for the most part, it'll just turn into a 'get lost' situation as I'm wasting their time with a problem out of their field.

As for psychologists, they're expensive and could likely cost me thousands of dollars.
I probably could convince them to take me to a psychologist, but that would be really hard. Oh well, I could always go on about anxiety this and anxiety that to try to poke them.

One thing that worries me is wasting a tremendous amount of money on psychologists who simply tell me to get lost or waste my time while pocketing my cash.

I don't trust anyone who can't put a guarantee of what I'll get on a contract.
How dare these worthless parasites try to steal every penny I have for the 'privilege' of sitting there and talking to them with guarantee as to whether they'll give me anything at all.

Testosterone may have rotted my brain, but I can see a scam when I see one.
I'll see how it goes with the doctor, whenever they decide to arrange that.

It seems you've already decided it will be of no help, so it won't be..

Maybe, if I was rich, I could casually toss down money as if it's toilet paper. Unfortunately, I'm not. I'm nothing more than a poor student guarding the last shreds of money I have.

The mere thought of having dozens of sessions at $150 each before the chance of getting anything, assuming they don't tell me to get lost is annoying. Some have said 3 - 5 sessions, some say it could be many more, etc.

The descriptions of the psychologists and how they operate is extraordinarily shady, especially the horror stories I've heard from my very own parents concerning psychologists who literally were trying to send me to a 'place for lunatics'.

People have said it before. Doctors won't prescribe anything, so visiting them is generally a waste of time other than asking for a referral, which is for the most part useless as I'll have to pay out of my pocket for a psychologist anyway.

Perhaps, they will have some useful information, I'll try to tell them and I'll see what they say. But, I wouldn't count on anything useful happening.

Funny, I've never has a single issue with a medical professional of any kind.. Not one. And I'm very openly trans. Random GP's, no issues at all, prescriptions are no problem.. The psychiatrist I saw for my GD, again no issue, apart from a legislated delay in issuing my HRT referral - not his fault, it is/was the law. The psychologist I saw earlier this year for anxiety was great, ID'ed the problem and gave me the tools I needed to deal with it.

As for horror stories, sure I've heard them.. Apart from practitioners of "reparative therapy" and other religious shysters, I've not heard a real horror story in Australia in quite some time.

I was unemployed at the start of my transition, I had to find the money for my appointments. I went without to pay. I scrimped and saved.. Why? Because I knew it had to be done if I ever wanted any chance at happiness.

Xirafel, I think you're falling into a trap of thinking it all has to be one way or another. I've paid for my own therapy when the counselors provided weren't working well enough and I've been glad that my current doc who is covered by my insurance has been excellent all along the way. I've also seen medical practice improve hugely throughout my lifetime.

You may or may not even need to see a therapist for getting hrt but if it's required then it will be worth it and certainly don't hesitate to seek out someone who specializes in trans issues if possible.

Here's a summary of my experience in therapy, the key point being one of my letters only took 3 sessions and could have been done in fewer.

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,214663.msg1901690.html#msg1901690

Quote from: kelly_aus on September 26, 2016, 02:18:54 AM
Funny, I've never has a single issue with a medical professional of any kind.. Not one. And I'm very openly trans. Random GP's, no issues at all, prescriptions are no problem..

Ditto.  I'm visibly trans.  I've never had a problem with healthcare in Australia.  Not once - and I've seen a lot of doctors and nurses since commencing HRT.  The psychologists and psychiatrists I have worked with in Sydney have been very compassionate, professional people.  Their sole concern has always been my health, wellbeing and quality of life.

The institutional barriers to medical transition are lower in Australia than they are at many clinics in the UK.  We are not required to do a year of RLE before accessing HRT.  Some psychiatrists will provide a referral after 2 visits where it's appropriate for the patient and there are no contra-indications.

Transition is a big decision to make.  HRT has some irreversible effects, particularly around family planning.  You are also making a pretty big decision about what gender you plan to live as for the rest of your life with all the social consequences that follow from that.  I think you also mentioned you have some other concurrent issues you are dealing with.

The good news is you're an adult now, and capable of making decisions for yourself.  However, I think it would be crazy to pass up the opportunity to speak with someone who has a fiduciary responsibility to counsel you on the decisions you are making - especially a counsellor who works with transgender people every day. 

At a minimum, you will probably need to see a psychiatrist for 2-3 sessions.

Your GP can provide you with a mental health care plan which means Medicare will subsidise some of the consultation costs.

Good luck.

And... My mind got stuck in an endless loop, apparently where it goes through all of the equally horrifying options (some even lead to death or prison time or being hospitalised for a very long time. No, I'm not planning to kill anyone x.x) and is unable to pick. Like a computer that's gotten frozen on a screen.

So now, it's just going... Okay, I'll just wait one more day and maybe I'll come up with something, it's going to be like that for months, isn't it? x.x
In other news, I'm so paranoid that I took my session timing out on these forums as a sign of getting banned due to people getting fed up of me complaining.

I'll see if physical pain can make the horrible sensations go away for an instant. Well, it worked, kinda :)

Will they think I'm faking it? It ranges in strength from indifference to being too terrified to even look in the mirror. Even seeing people who don't pass can trigger it when I'm like that.
What if they do their tests and I don't flinch from my reflection? They might think I'm wasting their time and label me a persona non grata.

Faces are horrifying things...

Honey, whatever you do please don't freeze and get stuck at one place for months. It's a good sign that you doubt your situation and that you're critical and... sceptical. Paranoia is just a sign of you overthinking it too much, which is understandeable under these circumstances.

Don't feel pressure, but don't take a step back either- I guess what I'm trying to say is if you begin "the process" too fast and jump right into it, it might scare you- and not just you, your folks too. But don't turn around either, any setbacks might be bad for you at this point. Mental health problems and constant second guessing doesn't go well with a peaceful mind. Hence that screaming at night.

I can so relate to your story and your situation. Ctrl + Alt + Delete.

P.S.: Nothing is more terryfing that being stuck in an endless loop of misery. Bad doctors are nothing in comparison with that. So breathe in and breathe out. And go for it. Life almost always has this mysterious way of sorting itself out. Somehow.

Physical pain only helps for a certain time and then- it doesn't work anymore. Those feelings you so well describe are an incremental part of you being trans, "in a wrong body". No doctor should label you as persona non grata at this point. If they do, you will find another one, I'm sure. So many doctors. Each and every one of them seeing you a little bit differently. They are people, after all. Biased by religion, what they were taught to believe in... Don't worry about them, worry about your mental health. That's the priority.

Your time is coming; the time when you shatter the mirror and the old image reflected on it, only to gather all the pieces back together, so you can shape them into something more suitable. The real you.

I might be going insane, I'm having random fits of laughter for no reason and I'm starting to feel really uncomfortable seeing masculine women. I keep looking at the faces. The faces... the faces... Aaaaa.

And I'm snapping over every little thing, seeing them as attacks on me.
I'm not going to start hallucinating, am I? Am I going to start hearing voices?
Is someone going to have to sedate me?

I'll see what I can do...

Okay, I've been poking her about taking me to a psychologist rather than going on about being trans, as that seems to be pointless right now. With any luck, she'll agree.

I'm also paranoid about the vile substance flowing through my veins and arteries destroying my body irreparably as it goes through with each passing day.
It's like a cape wearing villain in my imagination x.x

It's already ripped my soul to shreds and cast most of it into the depths of oblivion leaving a crippled shell behind.

She just cracked a joke about psychologists in return x.x

Alright, I'll try again. She'll have to listen eventually and I'll have her drag me into that building whether I'm conflicted or not. Brilliant move. Yes, that'll work.
Well actually, once it's paid, I'll feel really bad if I don't go. Wasting money is a no-no, every penny must count.

I hope the information about me doesn't leak. Do they sign an NDA or something?

She started looking at loads of psychologists, I prodded her towards ones which just "happen" to treat transgender along with anxiety, as I want to maximise the chances of seeing someone useful while minimising the chance of her going... No.

Hopefully, this'll go well.

Quote from: Xirafel on September 27, 2016, 04:38:55 AM
She just cracked a joke about psychologists in return x.x

Alright, I'll try again. She'll have to listen eventually and I'll have her drag me into that building whether I'm conflicted or not. Brilliant move. Yes, that'll work.
Well actually, once it's paid, I'll feel really bad if I don't go. Wasting money is a no-no, every penny must count.

I hope the information about me doesn't leak. Do they sign an NDA or something?

No NDA required, they are bound by patient-doctor privilege and cannot discuss you with anyone without your permission.

Quote from: Xirafel on September 27, 2016, 05:10:31 AM
She started looking at loads of psychologists, I prodded her towards ones which just "happen" to treat transgender along with anxiety, as I want to maximise the chances of seeing someone useful while minimising the chance of her going... No.

Hopefully, this'll go well.

Your mother can['t attend the sessions without your permission..

Quote from: kelly_aus on September 27, 2016, 05:14:58 AM
Your mother can't attend the sessions without your permission..

Interesting, so if I want to hide it then, very convenient.
Well, she wants to treat my anxiety, and it will certainly do so. In theory.

For the most part, if she was there then it would make it really, really hard to speak.
I would be better off staring into empty space.

I have a feeling that they forgot about it, as I'm no longer in the same hotel room as them and really scaring them with my disturbing wails or throwing fits at the mere utterance of certain words or the name.

I'm going to try to bug them about it again. I'll be like a mosquito who keeps bothering them.
If I sell an organ or two to pay for the treatment, will it have an impact on HRT?

Quote from: Xirafel on October 03, 2016, 04:59:23 AM
I have a feeling that they forgot about it, as I'm no longer in the same hotel room as them and really scaring them with my disturbing wails or throwing fits at the mere utterance of certain words or the name.

I'm going to try to bug them about it again. I'll be like a mosquito who keeps bothering them.
If I sell an organ or two to pay for the treatment, will it have an impact on HRT?

if your in australia, studying you may be eligable for a medicare card.. are you over 18? then you can get your own.. the hard part is getting 120~140 for the first session.. you will then get an 85 dollar rebate and only have to work to obtain the difference and go to your sessions.

i believe for mental things, those 16 years and older do not need a guardian present.. and i know for a fact if your 18 your parents may not accompany you if you feel uncomfortable or dont want them with you.

as stated your doctor may not under any circumstances give your medical information to another person without your consent.

if you dont want your mom to treat you, tell her no thanks i have my own beliefs which are not your beliefs.. you must stand firm on this, dont buckle.. they will play the victim card on you. tell them your grown up and taught to make your own decisions and i have made mine.

Quote from: VeronicaMJ on October 03, 2016, 06:56:59 AM
if you dont want your mom to treat you, tell her no thanks i have my own beliefs which are not your beliefs.. you must stand firm on this, dont buckle.. they will play the victim card on you. tell them your grown up and taught to make your own decisions and i have made mine.

Being financially dependent on them means that that would be a bit of a problem, not to mention that I'm a student so I'm deep in debt and have a pathetic amount of money.
Also, they provide the housing. I don't think they would take it away from me, but they have a lot of control.

She's really unpredictable. I don't think dealing with her is necessarily impossible. But waiting around for years is out of the question. I'm already old and ugly and it will only get worse as time progresses. I'd be better off dead than wait around for so long.

Also, I would rather do it long before heading back to the UK, as I recently stumbled upon articles about how countless people there are forced to self-medicate with how bad the system is and how impossible it is to get any help. As I would expect from the NHS, the very same people who said I was insane before we went private.

I have no clue what his stance on the matter is. Coming out to him would likely be the equivalent of detonating a nuclear bomb right in my face. Simply imagining it sends shivers down my spine. He takes everything extremely seriously but has a very short temper. He doesn't take nonsense lightly at all. And he's more or less in-charge. Like a final boss.

Also, they could get in my way without a second thought with the logic that it's for my own good to stop myself from destroying my own life as I have 'no clue what I'm doing'.
Or I could destroy my life with my own hands and join the cold dark abyss.

They said themselves that I'm their only child and that they'd want a good life for me.
A good life? I have no real friends. No past is nothing more than a dark abyss. I'm even paranoid about the weird blanks in my memory, I know that something really bad happened there, but it's gone. Gone. I normally have pretty good memory too.

My best friend is my cat and I sit at a computer whenever possible to hide from the dark miserable reality.
They don't see that. They act as if I have the best life in the world. If that's a good life then hell must be a paradise.

As you guessed, I am extremely conflicted, although not necessarily for the reason you think.
It's mostly external. External. If it wasn't for the external pressures, the direction would be obvious. Extremely so.

i know how it feels, in my younger years i felt much the same. (i moved countries 3 times)

hang in there, make a list of short term goals.. achievable things. get a part time job if you can, to help get some $$ for the appointments. its really only a short time in your life where you are right now, it will blow over before you know it.

so your a student with debt, that alone tells me your old enough to go to sessions without them there. its better for you this way.

i also get the sense your mom plays the victim card often, kind of explains the Dads short fuse as well.. living for years with that will do that to a person ( know my parents are much the same). just chill, relax and make short term achievable goals, then make longer term ones.. you will not be living in their home for years. you will be free before you know it. you need goals, make them.

I really wouldn't be too concerned with the gaps in memories.. while i can recall certain specific events.. there are years that i remember little. emotional events as Dena stated stay with you, good or bad the rest just fade with time.. i suspect its sort of protection for the mind, otherwise many many things would trigger allsorts of things. its kind of why people with photographic memories and those who remember everything have a harder time with life than those that dont. i also suspect many of the faded memories/experiences are used by your subconscious, to make snap decisions, to help guide one thru life.. i don't think a person really forgets anything at all, just extremely hard to recall.

like i said, as i understand if  your living here in aus studying you may be eligible for a medicare card. call them up to find out.

Oh my, I know exactly what you're talking about! Especially gaps in memory. Only recently I kind of found out what might have happened and it's terrifying.

My parents are practically the same when it comes to understanding- they want "the good life" for their only son. "the good life" meaning family and high salary job.

If you ever want to talk about anything, pm me. I need someone to talk to about this as well. Don't worry, you are not old and ugly. It's just dysphoria talking. Trust me, I know.

none of us are discounting anything you said and many can relate to you and have been or are going thru what you are going thru. just that we have had years behind us, and many therapy sessions and gained knowledge in dealing with these issues.

Gaps in my memory dont terrify me as much. i guess because i am older and realise that its my mind protecting me, do i want to know what happened in those times? yes and no, more no it wont add to my life or enrich my life either. it would be bring pain, yes cause i will have the knowledge of what occurred.

this time in your life is a short window and it will be over quickly, admittedly not as fast as one would like.

over the last couple of weeks i came close too just ending it all.. lets just say letters were written and placed in a prominent place, and when something in my told me to just go to bed i had to use a couple of stitch plasters, iodine, gause and a bandages.. but that low moment made me realize a few days later that its a long term solution to a short term problem (as Dena stated) after reading my therapy notes. and proceeded to make short term goals, which will lead to long term goals and now i have a destination to aim for and something to work for. while i still feel down at times, soo down i skip meals etc, i have something to look at too remind me  i have goals and a destination to reach.

soo make a list of goals (that are achievable in the short term)  some for each of the following

• financial
• emotional
• physical
• health
• personal

and then another page for long term goals. with out goals you tend to flounder and have no direction in life.

well hope this helps

V

One gap in particular concerns me as my personality took a complete shift from cheerful / timid to a zombie. Adolescence at it's finest.

I'm not sure if I could even hold a job in my mental state. I just see everything in this world as trivial and pointless. Not to mention, that if I blank out then hours can pass with a certain thought taking over. It can get even worse, especially if I'm being lorded over by others.

Quote from: SidneyAldaine on October 03, 2016, 06:56:22 PM
My parents are practically the same when it comes to understanding- they want "the good life" for their only son. "the good life" meaning family and high salary job.

That's pretty much it, they would probably settle for that.

If I told them that I wanted to launch a business, they would probably help in the financing, administration, paperwork, etc. In fact, they had even offered to do it.
Of course, they have eyes like hawks and wouldn't let me do whatever I want and they would probably stack on other work too. Yay, more work.

My mother has a whole string of businesses which didn't exactly fail but weren't really successful either. In the garage was a big pile of these boxes of wax which were being sold for people to rip their hair out with. Hm, if only that one wasn't shutdown, I could do with some of that.

I have bigger problems to deal with than launching a struggling business in the hopes of becoming successful or whatever other things could lead to success in their minds x.x

Let me try to read their minds for a moment. Hmm. I see a big house, little children running around, an expensive car and other symbols of wealth. Yes, I'm sure that's probably what they would want me to have.

In their wildest dreams, there's probably a private jet, a big mansion, 20 servants and married to the daughter of a billionaire. Let me try to think of what the servants might say, "My Lord, luncheon is ready," Uhh... That might be from the wrong era, although I'm sure they'd want me to have a noble title x.x

Quote from: SidneyAldaine on October 03, 2016, 06:56:22 PM
If you ever want to talk about anything, pm me. I need someone to talk to about this as well. Don't worry, you are not old and ugly. It's just dysphoria talking. Trust me, I know.

Is it? I've always been extremely afraid of ageing. And now I've long passed my prime and ended up like this. Sure, we could talk over PMs, if you'd like.

Xirafel, some of what you've said reminds me of what I went though. I'm don't generally trust anyone and I'd read a lot of bad stories about how the medical profession treats trans people so I went to great lengths working out how to get around the system. I think my psych actually thought I was paranoid for a bit when I first met him.

It turns out there's not much to get around in most of Australia and I wasted a lot of time and energy on it. I've probably caused myself more problems doing what I've done than just doing what every one else does. There are a few bad medical people around, but not many. If you research it carefully and find out who other trans people recommend you shouldn't run into the bad ones. I've done some odd things and had a really great experience with my endo, psych and therapist.

Its dead easy in Sydney where I am, and I'd guess its not too different in Brisbane.

I heard you saying in other post or somewhere you are 20? That means you realised that your life and perception of it is not the same as your parents' 5 years ahead of me. Too bad that once you realise something that big- that your goals and aims in life are completely different from what your parents want you to be, you can't go back...

That being said, you are lucky and pretty clever that you came to this conclusion so soon. I'm currently stuck right before finishing my university degree, in a field I have no interest in anymore and there are other things as well...

Getting back to your parents, it's completely natural for you to divert from your parents' wishes, especially after coming to terms with who you are and who you want to be. It's like you still live your "old" life, but deep inside, you already changed. That means you want to see the change reflect to the outside world as well, but of course, that's not possible from day to day. It takes tremendous work and commitment to turn your life around. But you are the captain of that ship and in the end, it's your choice.

There is something else coming with this state of things; that terrible feeling which can be described as being fundamentally dissatisfied with things like they are now. Sometimes it's even unbearable; and sometimes you can forget, even if it's just for a moment.

As I see it, you have to create some "back door" first for yourself. In case that your parents won't listen and you will be stuck with them and dependent on them. You need an alternative plan. Something to grab on to if everyone you know turns your back on you. Just in case. That should give you some courage and a sense of safety and certainty over your life.

Stick to things you need to do. Do you need to start questioning your role in a society and possibly transition later? If the answer to that is 100% yes and you need it to lead a happy life again, to find your cheerful self after that memory block, everything else is your secondary objective. I don't mean to stress you out, but everything else is secondary- family and friends too, if they won't listen. If they won't, you have that back door plan, remember?

Anyway, once you start your journey, your memory blocks won't matter anymore. They will probably fade like castles in the sky- it happened to me. I know it seems all too far now, but trust me, once you begin changing (could be anything, your first visit to therapist or a look in the mirror), problems will be sorted out, one way or another. That's the way life works. Even if and when the journey seems impossible for now. All will fall into the place one day and that's your hope. And main as well!

And lastly, you should remember- your life is just a projection of who you want to be. Since you probably didn't realise you were someone else for the most of your life, it seems your life doesn't fit you anymore. Like a glove. It is a tremendous change and you don't have to do it at once. Even little drops often help, however urgent the feeling to "do something right now" is.

P.S. Please go to my profile and click posts to find some answers on how to cope with that sense of something lost in the past. I posted similar question like week ago, I'm not entirely sure but think you even replied to me :)

Till next time, please don't give up and keep thinking! The road is ahead of you, you just can't see it yet.

Hugs

Update, update.

I brought the subject up again and she lazily told me to find the location of the nearest doctor. She wants to see if a doctor knows a psychologist now x.x
She lazily took the address, looked at a map and presumably memorised it's location.
With any luck, we might get somewhere.

Came to the conclusion of what to do soon? I should have done it a decade ago.
Even if the UK's NHS was useless (they don't seem to have even had anything for the problem back then anyway), there was always the option of being flown to another country. It's not like they particularly liked my birth country anyway, they were practically looking for excuses to leave.

Seeing a psychologist should be fun. Not. They'll probably think I'm mute when I just write everything down and show it to them. As far as bad stories go, I've been part of bad stories and they didn't even know I was trans. Lovely, lovely NHS.

Someone suggested that I should have an alternate plan.
My alternate plan involved researching many methods of suicide, as let's face it, my life would more or less be over anyway. It's not the politically correct thing to say and I would understand that no one here would want to be held legally liable for pushing me to my demise.

I on the other-hand consider it euthanasia, humans murder animals all the time in the name of relieving them of their suffering, but when it comes to humans, the suffering is drawn out as much as possible until they're finally dead. In other words, I'm considered a lower existence who is not even worthy of being put out of my misery.

It reminds me of Franken Fran where the mad scientist is so obsessed with preserving human life that their patients end up in all sorts of fates worse than death as horrific abominations. It's a uh, manga. Slightly disturbing.

I've put together a list of various methods, but many of them are impossible or too ineffective:
The buildings in this area are too low to guarantee death. I'm more likely to end up in a hospital bed than a coffin and that would be very inconvenient.
Firearms are impossible to acquire.
Drug overdose has a too low chance of death.
We have lots of bleach, maybe that.
Drowning is impossible as the body will instinctually resist.
Death from blood loss is unlikely as a hospital would likely stop that in it's tracks.
Hanging would be difficult as there's no secure object to fasten the rope to and the body will instinctually resist.
Joining the army during a war seems improbable as they probably wouldn't send me to the frontlines and there's no war. It's unfortunate that I missed out on the war when I was a child.
Acquiring HRT pills from illicit sources might be another possible suicide method, I've heard much about the extremely high probability of death on these very forums. The only problem is that the police is likely to put me behind bars for decades for trying to acquire such a thing.

I'll see if I can think of some more.

That someone didn't mean suicide as an alternative plan.

I don't recommend suicide.

I tried blood loss- terrible, you feel like dying whole week after that.
Pills- the blood clogged my left hand and it went numb, fortunately I have almost no damage now, but still.
Drowning- the worst, absolutely. Don't even get me started on that.

In short- suicide is terrible. No excuses.

The alternate plan is not a suicide. Just think of other possibilities of how to get where you want to be besides your parents. Please, promise me you won't try your ultimate solution, honey.

I'm glad to hear that things moved, finally. At least you're not stuck at one place. That's good.

Quote from: Xirafel on October 04, 2016, 10:49:03 PM


Seeing a psychologist should be fun. Not. They'll probably think I'm mute when I just write everything down and show it to them. As far as bad stories go, I've been part of bad stories and they didn't even know I was trans. Lovely, lovely NHS.

a really good physiologist wont care if your first session is writting stuff down, you need to find a T friendly one. going to a doctor is a good idea. and asking, if you get a negative response then see another..they are out there.

Quote from: Xirafel on October 04, 2016, 10:49:03 PM
Someone suggested that I should have an alternate plan.
My alternate plan involved researching many methods of suicide, as let's face it, my life would more or less be over anyway. It's not the politically correct thing to say and I would understand that no one here would want to be held legally liable for pushing me to my demise.

terrible plan, make a list of short and long term goals.. you can do it, your putting yourself in an endless loop and reacting as a child reacts. take a breath and look to the future and make reachable goals.

i know about the gap in memory.. for me i first would hide and cry and not let a soul touch me ever (as my sisters/parents told me - i dont remember this), then i become very angry and would loose my temper at a drop of a hat.. but overtime i kind of just gave up on remembering and calming down somewhat.. it wasnt till a decade or more later i started remembering.. maybe because i was at a place i could cope with the memories.

Hm, I could try to cut off the blood flow to... That thing. Let's see how it tries producing hormones, if all of it's cells are dying. Why didn't I think of that a decade ago? x.x

Wait, I vaguely remember strangling it to try to kill it a decade ago. Vaguely.
I think I was mad about it making gross stuff. Something like that.
What an idiot, that won't cut off the flow of blood, need some tight rope or something x.x

That bi... Okay, I don't feel like getting banned x.x

She's so infuriating, going on about trivial nonsense and just sitting around doing nothing. No doubt she'll 'forget' about it at the first opportunity. How should I convey that it's a serious issue? Do I have to write the message on the walls in my own blood? Something ominous like, "Take me to a Psychologist NOW"?

Mhm, those three methods are terrible. The best method would be a shotgun to the head, but this isn't America where I can just stroll into a gun shop and walk out with one. Even a god wouldn't be able to do anything about that injury.

Alas, I have to make do with lesser methods. No promises here, even if you are asking nicely, sorry. A few weeks ago, I was in a really, really tall building and I was just staring out one of it's 70th floor windows, imagining jumping out of it.

The window called out to me, it wanted me to jump out of it, well it didn't literally talk, that's a metaphor before you tell me to go to a lunatic asylum. Unfortunately, it was one of those windows designed in such a way that I would have to go straight through the glass.

Considering that there's even surgery to make people shorter these days, it doesn't seem that implausible to have a bunch of bones broken and fused back together. I probably already need Hollywood level plastic surgery on the face, they seem to love pumping in silicone.

Or I could really badly burn it and blame a domestic house fire for looking so ugly.
No, that probably looks even uglier. Shocking enough.

Fresh on 21. Too old. Really old. In my head, around 11ish is considered youthful. Anything else for me is old and ugly. There are different levels of old and ugly, of course. Why? Who knows. Probably because it's not tainted by a horrible, horrible curse.

If I see that psychologist, if I'm not dead by then, I'll probably pretend to be mute or something. Talking would just be the ultimate humiliation.

Quotefor me i first would hide and cry and not let a soul touch me ever

I never let a soul touch me. They did say that I was very, very adept at hiding rather than compete in sports.

If I had to guess, it might have something to do with the changing rooms as I was always really unconsciously covering myself so that no one can see. Maybe.

truly i know how it feels with your parents, mine take the bible bent and drill that home period.. nothing you say or do will get thru. it never did while i was at home (growing up it was pushed hard and always wanted to know what happened and never believed me that i couldn't remember - truly i couldn't), its not till nearly 17 years out of home that i can do what i want.. and still they push all the right buttons and push as hard as they can to

1.) cut my hair, my Dad always brings it up and always ends the sentence "Your my SON!! CUT your HAIR!" and i always feel terribly hurt by that.
2.) see a pastor about my problems
3.) trust in the Lord to heal and fix your problems
4.) constantly bug me to go to their Church
5.) constantly text me bible verses
6.) constantly facebook message and post bible messages

they constantly bring up how sad it is, feels like they are trying to make me feel so bad i get back with my X, never going to happen. and play the victim card a lot and push constantly for the reason of my split with my X etc. they use my oldest sister to interrogate/ask me questions and she faithfully reports it all back to them and the next time i see them it gets brought up.. i learned quick to zip it with her.

I have a strong feeling my Dad will prob hit me real hard when i tell him and i am fairly sure i will be rejected and that they will do all in their power to stop me. i am def in for a fight of my life then.

well here is a small goal list i thought up for you.

1. look for part time work
2. use money from the job to pay for psychologist, without telling parents (its how i did it the first time)
3. finish studies
4. find work and save
5. move out of home and start transition

that all will happen fast, there is always a way to transition. its a short window in your life now.. but you need goals and a destination to aim for. it will give you the energy and drive to reach it.

as for plastic surgery, there are amazing surgeons out there.. but lets not get hung up on the here and now.. more like and the future of your transition.

Quote from: Xirafel on October 05, 2016, 03:03:44 AM
Hm, I could try to cut off the blood flow to... That thing. Let's see how it tries producing hormones, if all of it's cells are dying. Why didn't I think of that a decade ago? x.x

umm no, not a good idea.. could end very badly.

So many forms, I hate filling in forms. I have to write all sorts of humiliating things like that name for one, ugh  >:(

The ordeal was finally over, and then we departed through the burning hot Sun where I learned that they have no clue what they're doing. They decided that they didn't want to pay $80 for the doctor just to tell me to go somewhere else and now want me to find a psychologist  :(

Round and round it goes. They're really effective... when they actually care about the problem at hand, otherwise... Ugh. They just used it as a shopping trip x.x

Quote from: VeronicaMJ on October 05, 2016, 07:11:51 AM
umm no, not a good idea.. could end very badly.

What's the worst that could happen? It rotting away and requiring surgical removal?

Uh, to add to what I said about changing rooms, I remember one changing room where people were prancing around naked and it gave me a panic attack and I never went back. One reason why I suspect one block is related to that.

Umm no but more serious.. either way bad idea..and I believe they can use the skin later.

Sent from my HUAWEI TAG-L22 using Tapatalk

Quote from: VeronicaMJ on October 06, 2016, 01:18:38 AM
Umm no but more serious..

How serious?

Quote from: VeronicaMJ on October 06, 2016, 01:18:38 AM
and I believe they can use the skin later.

Ew.

Could be wrong since I haven't researched grs(not at that stage yet, I find if I look too far ahead I loose focus of the here and now).. But I believe the skin is used from the sac. And they inverted it as well.. think about it ;)

how bad?

Well Testosterone helps maintain a number of important bodily functions in men, with out it a male may experience the following.
1. increased body fat
2. decreased strength/mass of muscles
3. fragile bones
4. decreased body hair
5. swelling/tenderness in the breast tissue
6. hot flashes
7. increased fatigue
8. effects on cholesterol metabolism
9. alter sleep patterns and in some cases cause insomnia

its why we can never be totally rid of it, CIS females produce extremely low levels compared to males but it has good effects for them (stronger bones etc) and visa versa. there are many more side effects, while on the whole they may look ok for those transitioning, aside from the fatige and lack of sleep, you tend to be hit with them all at once.. soo not good.

Sent from my HUAWEI TAG-L22 using Tapatalk

I know about it, but reusing the skin from... that... thing sounds kind of gross...

Muscle strength? Asides from walking around town, I have practically none. Gyms have no appeal to me and neither do sports.
Decreased body hair? Yay, good riddance.
Alter sleep patterns? My sleep patterns are already really out of whack.
Hot flashes? I don't know what that is.
Fragile bones? That's not really a big deal.
Increased body fat? Ew. My natural diet is really tiny anyway.
Swelling in the breast tissue? Is this supposed to be a problem?
Increased fatigue? I'm lying around in bed for most of the day anyway. The less I see the dark and miserable outside world, the better.
Effects on cholesterol metabolism? Vague.

Phew, for a moment I thought you were coming up with problems.
As a plus for doing that, there's a lower probability of you finding my corpse on the side of the street in Brisbane with a bottle of bleach in my hand or something else.

I want to do it right now but... I would have to touch it to wrap something around it... Ew...
Okay, I'll just do it. It's what the anti-androgens are supposed to do anyway, and it'll save me $50 a month.

Quote from: Xirafel on October 06, 2016, 05:47:46 AM


I want to do it right now but... I would have to touch it to wrap something around it... Ew...
Okay, I'll just do it. It's what the anti-androgens are supposed to do anyway, and it'll save me $50 a month.

umm i just listed the effects of an orchiectomy, not the process you would potentially in all likely hood suffer.. you need that bits and pieces for GRS surgery. dont damage your health, please dont. i feel hesitant listing all the negative impacts of what your suggesting, i am not a doctor (tho i do read the medical journals and have studied medicine at uni in New Zealand).

Quote from: VeronicaMJ on October 06, 2016, 07:53:36 AM
umm i just listed the effects of an orchiectomy, not the process you would potentially in all likely hood suffer.. you need that bits and pieces for GRS surgery. dont damage your health, please dont. i feel hesitant listing all the negative impacts of what your suggesting, i am not a doctor (tho i do read the medical journals and have studied medicine at uni in New Zealand).

At the end of the day, I have next to no money. One moment, let me check my bank balance. $17.
I don't see where I'm going to magically pull out $1000 to beg the psychologist to let me undergo HRT, to buy the pills or to eventually undergo these various $50K+ surgeries. At worst, it would lead to death.

I'm already being as sneaky as can be simply to get my parents to arrange a psychologist under false pretences.
Let's end this delusion and undergo something more realistic. At the very least, Medicare covers emergency care at a hospital. The key word here is emergency.

Quote from: Xirafel on October 06, 2016, 08:16:49 AM
At the end of the day, I have next to no money. One moment, let me check my bank balance. $17.
I don't see where I'm going to magically pull out $1000 to beg the psychologist to let me undergo HRT, to buy the pills or to eventually undergo these various $50K+ surgeries. At worst, it would lead to death.

I'm already being as sneaky as can be simply to get my parents to arrange a psychologist under false pretences.
Let's end this delusion and undergo something more realistic. At the very least, Medicare covers emergency care at a hospital. The key word here is emergency.

Something you may consider, this moment you find yourself in is not a fixed point.  Your circumstance will change with each passing moment.  What seems insurmountable now will be nothing but a blip on your life's timeline.  Eventually, you will gain your independence and from there the paths you have available will open.  I have been where you are.  I contemplated all sorts of ways to rectify what I see as an issue with my perception...glad now I did none of the brash things that seemed like options then.

If your chosen path is to be a eunuch, then permanent surgical castration (what you are proposing) will certainly accomplish that.  You will not have 'it' any longer, but you will also not have any options left for the future in terms of any function 'down there'.  What you have now is needed to create what you might want in the future and if it is gone, you will not move forward in that way any longer.

I would urge patience as it will serve you well in any future you choose.

Quote from: Xirafel on October 06, 2016, 08:16:49 AM
At the end of the day, I have next to no money. One moment, let me check my bank balance. $17.
I don't see where I'm going to magically pull out $1000 to beg the psychologist to let me undergo HRT, to buy the pills or to eventually undergo these various $50K+ surgeries. At worst, it would lead to death.

I'm already being as sneaky as can be simply to get my parents to arrange a psychologist under false pretences.
Let's end this delusion and undergo something more realistic. At the very least, Medicare covers emergency care at a hospital. The key word here is emergency.

Australian medicare also cover GP, Physcologists, PBS medicines etc.  if you have a medicare card you can see a GP for free, as long as its bulk billed (ask them this).. otherwise you pay the $50 and medicare refund you. i know i got a medicare card and see my GP when i am sick :) also used for my physc appointments where i get $85 back after each session, tho i am on the MHP (mental Health Care plane).

Quote from: Xirafel on August 26, 2016, 04:48:22 PM
Urmm... This is embarrassing... Awkward... Uhh... Hi?

So... I don't even know where to start...
Do I just buy it over the counter or something? Does it change everything?
Well, obviously not everything, unfortunately x.x I doubt pills (or is it a syringe?) can change bones or organs.
Urmm... Is it too late at 21? I heard some things won't change no matter what, if it's too late and that's terrible.

Somehow I descended into a nervous wreck. It's like my instinctual response to anyone who might start mocking me, even if I know they won't -.-

I'll just scurry off now...

There are only three bones in the body that do not change throughout life. They are all in your ears. No 21 is not too late. I am 65 and just finishing my first two months of HRT. It's never too late. There are just some things you may have to do as you age that you may not have to do now because of your age. Just remember it's a marathon not a sprint.

This is like a ride down to hell that never ends. Two people who constantly change their minds on a whim  :(

They actually do know a psychologist, albeit in another country who apparently knows most of the psychologists around here, and they want to see if she can find someone appropriate for the issue and want me to talk to her. Like over the phone. Fun. Not. She likes them and has a specialization in some experimental and strange field of psychology  >:(

So, I'm sure she could pull out all sorts of unreliable and experimental facts as evidence against me considering that I only met her once outside of a mental blank and I was too demotivated to speak to her and the session ended with some of her exotic techniques.

Coming up with persuasive facts is going to be difficult against someone with many hidden cards which could be twisted in various ways against me. This is like going into court against someone who holds all of the evidence and can twist it in any way they please.

I was near the city hall today, easily recognisable as I had nothing to wear other than clothes intended for snow to see the myGov Centre where the clerks basically told me what I already knew about my ineligibility for Medicare.

...Just kill me already...  :'(

Quote from: Xirafel on October 07, 2016, 12:08:36 AM
This is like a ride down to hell that never ends. Two people who constantly change their minds on a whim  :(

They actually do know a psychologist, albeit in another country who apparently knows most of the psychologists around here, and they want to see if she can find someone appropriate for the issue and want me to talk to her. Like over the phone. Fun. Not. She likes them and has a specialization in some experimental and strange field of psychology  >:(

So, I'm sure she could pull out all sorts of unreliable and experimental facts as evidence against me considering that I only met her once outside of a mental blank and I was too demotivated to speak to her and the session ended with some of her exotic techniques.

Coming up with persuasive facts is going to be difficult against someone with many hidden cards which could be twisted in various ways against me. This is like going into court against someone who holds all of the evidence and can twist it in any way they please.

I was near the city hall today, easily recognisable as I had nothing to wear other than clothes intended for snow to see the myGov Centre where the clerks basically told me what I already knew about my ineligibility for Medicare.

...Just kill me already...  :'(

reach for the stars.

make plans to transition in your own terms, its a short window in life where you are.

Well, I sent an email (I somehow negotiated them into letting me send an email after theirs which really, really downplayed the problem as nothing more than a hobby) to that psychologist like they wanted, but I instructed her not to tell anyone.

With any luck, the information won't circulate and she'll say something useful.

Quote from: Xirafel on October 07, 2016, 05:02:25 AM
Well, I sent an email (I somehow negotiated them into letting me send an email after theirs which really, really downplayed the problem as nothing more than a hobby) to that psychologist like they wanted, but I instructed her not to tell anyone.

With any luck, the information won't circulate and she'll say something useful.

crossing fingers in both hands, legs and toes where i can.. despite everything your a strong person and the future yours.

This must be how the people on death row feel like, waiting for their eventual execution.
What's taking her so long... Oh, that psychologist might be out to lunch with the time gap.

Quote from: VeronicaMJ on October 07, 2016, 05:34:46 AM
crossing fingers in both hands, legs and toes where i can.. despite everything your a strong person and the future yours.

Well, the entire universe is conspiring to mess with me.

Okay, well no reply which is telling considering that this psychologist writes up responses to them really quickly. Heck, it might have fallen in spam for all I know. Unfortunately, what they forgot is that I'm more than a little crazy, irrational and desperate.

In theory, I don't even need a psychologist, it's just an annoying restriction set by the state to squeeze penniless people like me out. I just need blood tests, although I don't have a little lab in my garage to do that, and I'm sure that the police will descend upon me if the results come back badly.

This is making me regret not doing psychology for University, even though it's totally the wrong subject for me.

Quote from: Xirafel on October 07, 2016, 08:02:03 PM
Okay, well no reply which is telling considering that this psychologist writes up responses to them really quickly. Heck, it might have fallen in spam for all I know. Unfortunately, what they forgot is that I'm more than a little crazy, irrational and desperate.

In theory, I don't even need a psychologist, it's just an annoying restriction set by the state to squeeze penniless people like me out. I just need blood tests, although I don't have a little lab in my garage to do that, and I'm sure that the police will descend upon me if the results come back badly.

This is making me regret not doing psychology for University, even though it's totally the wrong subject for me.

I wouldnt put too much into the no response, not every one works on fridays, saturdays.. no doubt a response will be forth coming. we all need therapists, not only to get the HRT letter but to give us the tools and help us find ways to work thru our various issues.. we end being more stable and well adjusted compared to the rest of humanity.

at least there  is hrt and all those other things we all need to be able to happy healthy people.

I'm surprised no one has suggested you check out this:
https://www.humanservices.gov.au/customer/services/medicare/reciprocal-health-care-agreements (https://www.humanservices.gov.au/customer/services/medicare/reciprocal-health-care-agreements)

"You're ineligible for Medicare if you've resided in the UK for more than two years." That's what the clerk said.
They were very specific about the 'resided' part. This isn't some link on the internet or what some random person told me, but someone who works for the government at a Medicare Centre.

Quote from: Xirafel on October 08, 2016, 02:01:20 AM
"You're ineligible for Medicare if you've resided in the UK for more than two years." That's what the clerk said.
They were very specific about the 'resided' part. This isn't some link on the internet or what some random person told me, but someone who works for the government at a Medicare Centre.

hmm i would ask to see the legislation regarding this.

a

If you have any recommendations for loans, that would be helpful.
And I'm not a lawyer, the legislation regarding it would probably be complete garble to me.

And hiring a lawyer to look over it costs... Money, money, money.

Quote from: Xirafel on October 08, 2016, 02:20:40 AM
If you have any recommendations for loans, that would be helpful.
And I'm not a lawyer, the legislation regarding it would probably be complete garble to me.

And hiring a lawyer to look over it costs... Money, money, money.

check this out..

https://www.humanservices.gov.au/customer/enablers/health-care-visitors-australia (https://www.humanservices.gov.au/customer/enablers/health-care-visitors-australia)  stated above.

it all comes down the type of visa you have..

Can anyone give me information on loans, particularly ones pertaining to medical (possibly psychological) care, if that's a thing?

I know care credit is one medical credit service out there. I have never needed to use them so I don't know anything about them. Hugs
Mariah

Quote from: Xirafel on October 08, 2016, 12:00:39 PM
Can anyone give me information on loans, particularly ones pertaining to medical (possibly psychological) care, if that's a thing?

Ugh, this headache is so annoying, and now I'm having weird dreams. I usually can't remember my stupid dreams x.x
I'll just blame the testosterone, that substance is evil. No, I can't do it for this, huh.

It's almost like they live in an alternate reality.

When they speak about my life, it just sounds like a fairy-tale world of happiness. One that somehow misses the extreme depression and even suicidal thoughts I mentioned to them when I was much, much younger.

It's obviously impossible for me to possibly be unhappy, they have everything setup for me to perfectly go ahead with my life. Not that they would know, they were always working all the time and I was really withdrawn from society.

Quote from: Mariah on October 08, 2016, 12:01:54 PM
I know care credit is one medical credit service out there. I have never needed to use them so I don't know anything about them.

Uh, what countries is that in...? Looks like America.

I believe the United States only last I checked. Hugs
Mariah

Quote from: Xirafel on October 08, 2016, 11:41:36 PM
Ugh, this headache is so annoying, and now I'm having weird dreams. I usually can't remember my stupid dreams x.x
I'll just blame the testosterone, that substance is evil. No, I can't do it for this, huh.

It's almost like they live in an alternate reality.

When they speak about my life, it just sounds like a fairy-tale world of happiness. One that somehow misses the extreme depression and even suicidal thoughts I mentioned to them when I was much, much younger.

It's obviously impossible for me to possibly be unhappy, they have everything setup for me to perfectly go ahead with my life. Not that they would know, they were always working all the time and I was really withdrawn from society.
Uh, what countries is that in...? Looks like America.

I haven't had an IQ Test in a long time, but I had one during puberty when I was really, really depressed and before.
It was a 50 points difference. Monday. With any luck, something might happen.

Maybe, I should reword the email to make it clearer and add more details.
Maybe not with the details, it was humiliating and degrading enough saying what I did.

Whats the point of an IQ test?

Quote from: AnonyMs on October 10, 2016, 01:05:10 AM
Whats the point of an IQ test?

IQ tests dont show intelligence, only the rate at which one can learn and absorb information. using it is another matter.

It's more that I don't care about anything, so everything is done with a fraction of my intelligence :(

I was near the city hall again, they have nice statues there, I always seem to wear sparkly shoes, although I doubt you'd spot me. So many attractive women, how unpleasant. The place I used to live had tons of extremely ugly ones which didn't make me feel as bad.

If I go for self-medicating, I'll probably just cut out the anti-androgens. Too expensive, I'll just boost the dosages. It looks like I can't even pass a job interview, because I'm messed up like all hell x.x

Okay, that psychologist got back to me. I don't think she likes me. She just said that it would be useful to talk. Except I can't talk, I can only write about that.

I'd be better off dead. And before someone descends upon me and says how good their life is now, that's because you actually have the pills which happen to be a mind-altering substance x.x

Quote from: Xirafel on October 10, 2016, 09:35:15 PM
If I go for self-medicating, I'll probably just cut out the anti-androgens. Too expensive, I'll just boost the dosages. It looks like I can't even pass a job interview, because I'm messed up like all hell x.x

Okay, that psychologist got back to me. I don't think she likes me. She just said that it would be useful to talk. Except I can't talk, I can only write about that.

I'd be better off dead. And before someone descends upon me and says how good their life is now, that's because you actually have the pills which happen to be a mind-altering substance x.x

no thats normal, hearing and seeing you can learn more about a person.. and also your emotions are more visible. she hopefully beleives you. but in any event, she may still provide the tools for you too cope till you can..being only able to write about it, is a good indication you need help to overcome your fears and be open. i struggle opening up to people myself, and the last time i did i was shattered (but it wasnt the first therapyst 16 years ago but the second one that did that).its difficult opening yourself up that way..but liberating.

i am not on hrt atm and going thru my sessions and have been since may, i am working thru some big issues and my therapyst did explain that it would help me thru tough times ahead.. getting the letter, there hasnt been doubt from me or her (even from the first session).. but the tools and stuff i need to make it are important,  the ability to slow down and not simply jump ahead..

you need the AA to, otherwise your body will more than likely simply boost the output of T to compensate.

If it does that, I will remove that evil thing, I will drive out into the desert and I will leave it out there to rot. Probably not, but I'm a lunatic so... More pills. More pills. More pills.
If it wants to compete, then I'm really competitive. It can boost the levels over my cold hard corpse x.x

I won't let that evil monster take my holy grail away from me... It's either me or it.

Okay, so on the other topic. The psychologist said she wants to talk over Skype.
Asides from Skype being a horribly glitch platform, uh that's not important... I have met her before... in the physical world. But I totally can't talk. Totally not. Nu uh x.x

Okay, let's see what I can do...

Quote from: Xirafel on October 11, 2016, 03:53:11 AM
If it does that, I will remove that evil thing, I will drive out into the desert and I will leave it out there to rot. Probably not, but I'm a lunatic so... More pills. More pills. More pills.
If it wants to compete, then I'm really competitive. It can boost the levels over my cold hard corpse x.x

I won't let that evil monster take my holy grail away from me... It's either me or it.

Okay, so on the other topic. The psychologist said she wants to talk over Skype.
Asides from Skype being a horribly glitch platform, uh that's not important... I have met her before... in the physical world. But I totally can't talk. Totally not. Nu uh x.x

Okay, let's see what I can do...

dont!, you need it for proper GRS. stick it out, you are extremely young and time will fly.

then if you cant to her, she is the wrong one.

Not only talking, but simply appearing before a camera is humiliating.

Streaming my horrendously old, traumatising, disgusting, horrific, twisted, warped face over the internet. Ugh, photographs are bad enough as it is.
No doubt the people over at Microsoft will puke in disgust at it, the NSA may also do so, along with the psychologist. I always tape up the camera.

Young? Most of my life has slipped away. Just look at that face. Actually, don't. It will traumatise you for the rest of your days. It's like something out of Frankenstein.

Quote from: Xirafel on October 11, 2016, 04:22:35 AM
Not only talking, but simply appearing before a camera is humiliating.

Streaming my horrendously old, traumatising, disgusting, horrific, twisted, warped face over the internet. Ugh, photographs are bad enough as it is.
No doubt the people over at Microsoft will puke in disgust at it, the NSA may also do so, along with the psychologist. I always tape up the camera.

Young? Most of my life has slipped away. Just look at that face. Actually, don't. It will traumatise you for the rest of your days. It's like something out of Frankenstein.

I doubt that very much, growing up i knew someone who was burned badly over much of his body (esp his face and head and back) when he was very young.. I also grew up during the Angolan war and saw some well not nice things.

I doubt very much you are as bad as you look.. here is a truth i have never told a soul (thanks to my sessions i, and from what i have been reading i feel i need to share)...i hate what i see every time i look in the mirror (avoid it as much as possible, always have always will like i am now).. i dont like seeing myself in photos.. i  am not saying its the same as yours, but i can understand. Cis girls find me attractive, i hate it soo much  ... lets leave it at that.. every time i look in the mirror i see ugly, unlovable, not liked (maybe hated), disgusting why on earth am i still breathing and who would bother getting to know the real me? who would really care if i stopped? who would truly miss me? (everyday wearing the clothes i have to for work , feels wrong, gives me goose bumps... its too hard to describe.. i relish each night i am home and can change). I feel like i am a bother just by being alive. i am convenient, a brother who everyone expects to see, with a ready smile and big heart.. someone who always helps and drops everything for others, who can fix computers/phones/tvs etc.. who goes out of his way to help, who drops everything to help. A brother who never holds grudges, who shies away from conflict. who gives up thousands so they may have.. who hides the smile and the pain.

i battle this every day of every hour and have for years, somedays its more intense, other days not soo. i struggle opening up to even my therapist. It's hard.. i fear the look, the loathing the misunderstanding.. how to i tell her i cant stand being male, the feelings and desires i suppressed for years are rushing to the surface who i am is busting out.. i fear making the wrong mistake, saying the wrong thing. being rejected, i constantly watch others and adjust my behavour to make them feel comfortable. Every single day is a miracle i am here breathing.. another day i exist.. in gen i am an optimist, but these feelings/thoughts enter my mind often, daily.. i find things to keep going but its hard.. i fight a good fight, i am still here.. but over the last year or soo its becoming harder and harder to find.

so yes i understand the feels, tho not scarred i feel the same about my current looks.

you have to sum up the courage to talk to someone, you must.. if you cant now, how will you handle the looks and confrontations when you do transition (esp the early stages)?

and you def need the bits for GRS, stick with it.. you are young.. you are studying.. you will get your dream.. hell your gonna get there at an age.. where i collapsed, had extremely high blood pressure (they wanted to put my in ICU and monitor my heart rate and blood pressure.. wanted me to take blood pressure pills when i was 19~20. i refused and took the responsibilty that my heart may explode or arteries rupture from the pressure, i like a healthy liver thanks. my mom argued with me and i still refused no way!). i had to go for regular health checks every two weeks for a few months and then month for a couple of years.

I sometimes wonder whether this is all one big delusion and whether I need to be put on some anti-psychotics to stop it all. That's probably a bad idea, they would lock me away in a hellish mental hospital with all of the crazy people.

I'm probably so disconnected from reality that I actually think I'm a... Yeah, that might be it. Brain damage and all. People have called me crazy for many, many years.

GRS? What's the difference between that and all of the other acronyms?
And what sort of loans are there available?

Hi again girl,

GRS stands for Gender Reassignment Surgery. They can make you a vagina by reversing your pee pee back inside. Simply put. Technically, they just reverse what happened to you in uterus, so no big deal. That's why you still need that part. If you want to know more, google is your best friend.

About loans- if there is any other way, don't take loans. Loans are bad, you will have to repay them, be in debt...I've been there and don't recommend loans. Of any kind actually.

You are not delusional, unfortunately. And your brain is perfectly fine.

Do you think a psychologist might allow anti-androgens long before 5+ sessions?

Quote from: Xirafel on October 12, 2016, 06:43:13 AM
Do you think a psychologist might allow anti-androgens long before 5+ sessions?

you can but ask..

Quote from: VeronicaMJ on October 12, 2016, 07:20:37 AM
you can but ask..

When? The moment I see their face in session 1?

Oh fun, time for some screaming matches. Don't we all love screaming our lungs out over something which should be a trivial problem? My mother is such a friendly and lovely person.

That psychologist said she was busy and gave me an appointment at 5am today or Sunday x.x
I didn't even know psychologists worked on Sundays. Stupid fire alarm, why couldn't the fire just consume me x.x

And she forgot about that appointment. Everyone hates me, I should just die.
They either treat me like a worthless piece of dirt, ignore me, etc. Or in the case of these forums, hopes that if they say, "Medicare" enough times then it'll get me to go away and they can get points for their unblemished record.

If I can't get it from psychologists, I'll get it from the black market. If I can't get it from there, I'll just order some general purpose drugs from a random pharmacy which happen to contain the hormones. It's a dog eats dog world with everyone plotting against me, only I can fend for myself. The evil psychologists and government can just go to hell.

Perhaps, I should post my address so you can come over with a knife or a gun and kill me.
That would be utterly delightful. Don't worry about getting arrested, I'm just a worthless piece of trash which the government would never care about. Just end it quickly and then do whatever you want to my corpse.

Humans aren't arrested for stepping on ants, so why would I be any different?

Any advice on how to inflict more pain on myself? I don't think my methods are too effective anymore.
I'll give you a +rep for it :)

Mhm, I probably need some mood stabilizers and anti-psychotics ^

Quote from: Xirafel on October 17, 2016, 01:56:37 AM
Mhm, I probably need some mood stabilizers and anti-psychotics ^

rushing is never a good thing, you are young and will get there.. it just takes time and your studying.. thats hard.

I keep crying now. Weird, I never cried for a really long time until fairly recently.
I talked to that psychologist, but I only ended up talking about the weather and froze up x.x
I've said plenty in another email, but there's just one little phrase which feels extremely, extremely awkward and crazy to say. You know what it is, right?

Okay, the psychologist says she can fix me. Something about altering the brain waves or whatever with her fancy equipment to make them normal. I don't understand the complicated science behind it.
Yay for normality.

Well, that's what I said here, but my instincts had none of it and went... NO NO NO in my head.

I feel like I'm in a lawsuit. I keep objecting and throwing out new evidence and she keeps twisting my words around.
All sorts of theories are thrown out one after another to counter me. Bad brainwaves, childhood trauma causing it, etc. along with associated solutions with the sense of a verdict being given. I don't know what to say...

She looks for every little thing in what I say to grasp onto and goes... Aha! and quickly goes to end the discussion with a solution which I have to object to and resume.
I'm not good at speaking, so some of my words aren't that great at conveying my point.

Altering brainwaves? Sounds like crazy science from victorian era. But what do I know, I'm not a psychologist.

Anyone cares to comment on that?

I don't feel like responding to her latest email so far, I'll do it later. Talking to her is stressful.
Just a peaceful rest with soya milk tea, nice music, games, etc. I'll resume my battle against the final boss later.

And then, I'll go back to trying to squeeze pills out of someone who probably thinks I'm delusional.
It really does kinda feel like she's made her mind up that I'm delusional and is just looking for a reason why.
She has plenty of friends she could refer me to. Shudder

And she's persuasive enough to convince you to check yourself into a mental hospital with a padded cell and straitjacket, although she's not pushing for that, phew.

Quote from: SidneyAldaine on October 19, 2016, 06:55:08 PM
Altering brainwaves? Sounds like crazy science from victorian era. But what do I know, I'm not a psychologist.

She's really old, so it's possible. Maybe? Alright, maybe not that old. She seems to be fairly well respected.

Interesting...keep us posted on your "progress" or progress with her. Hope she doesn't alter your brain waves though.

Sounds like relaxation therapy where they teach you how feel less stress. It may help some but it's not going to solve the core problem of being transgender. You need to discuss that topic and don't let up until it's addressed.

That pill was tasty, surprisingly small. Super sleepy... Face abnormally warm... Slight headache... Ear throbbed a little, actually that's probably unrelated, it does that from time to time... I'm in a good mood though...

Urmm... How do you get those blood test things...?
Okay, I sent another email prodding the psychologist again... She hasn't replied yet, but then again the day's just started for her. Can a psychologist on the other side of the world even write a letter?

Uh, telling a psychologist who's thrice my age and filled with experience and status how to do their job is beyond my safe zone.

Uh oh, I overdosed. Uh, okay... Let's not worry about that...

Waiting for the psychologist to get back to me, if I had to guess she won't say anything until Sunday at the very least.

Yes, I just started taking the pills (they contain uh, what you call it, estradiol valerate) as it'll take half the lifespan of the planet to get anywhere. The side-effects are slightly annoying, the ear ache in my left ear seems to be one of them, as it's steadily becoming more and more annoying. Day 3.

Hm, I'll have to buy some pain killers. So many pills I have to take x.x
No anti-androgens. I'll find some way to get them eventually.

The psychologist's probably asleep, so maybe she'll respond to me when she wakes up...?
Also, my psychologist specifically said that the brain wave whatever you call it thing usually gets rid of transgender feelings, or so she implied to me.

I suspect you may have an ear infection or some other difficulty as an ear ache shouldn't happen on estradiol. Dizziness is a possible side effect from the fluid balance changing in your ear but if the pills are the problem, something is seriously wrong and you  should discontinue using them until you see  doctor.

A page about these specific pills did say not to use them if you have otosclerosis which is a problem to do with the ear which could lead to hearing loss, but I doubt I would be unlucky enough to have that. Hard to tell without a CT scan or audiometry.

I'll see what happens over the coming days.

Hm, uh... that thing... you know... that thing.... keeps aching... Maybe, the pill's killing it. That would be good.

Quote from: Xirafel on October 21, 2016, 09:32:26 PM
Yes, I just started taking the pills (they contain uh, what you call it, estradiol valerate) as it'll take half the lifespan of the planet to get anywhere. The side-effects are slightly annoying, the ear ache in my left ear seems to be one of them, as it's steadily becoming more and more annoying. Day 3.

Hm, I'll have to buy some pain killers. So many pills I have to take x.x
No anti-androgens. I'll find some way to get them eventually.

The psychologist's probably asleep, so maybe she'll respond to me when she wakes up...?
Also, my psychologist specifically said that the brain wave whatever you call it thing usually gets rid of transgender feelings, or so she implied to me.

Well I read through all your posts and such you have a very unique cute personality.  :P Well good for you that you have started Estrogen but you really need to get on an anti-androgen to be more effective. I wish you luck. I'm sure that earache is nothing to do with the Estrogen though! ???

I feel like getting rid of that stupid thing, it keeps... keeps... Gah. Leaking. Yes, that'll get it to stop x.x

Quote from: Magicka on October 22, 2016, 05:14:48 AM
Well I read through all your posts and such you have a very unique cute personality.  :P Well good for you that you have started Estrogen but you really need to get on an anti-androgen to be more effective. I wish you luck. I'm sure that earache is nothing to do with the Estrogen though! ???

C...Cute? You think I'm cute? :D
I thought I was just an annoying nuisance.

QuoteStop taking it immediately if
You should stop treatment at once and consult your doctor if you have any of the following conditions:

• your very first attack of migraine (typically a throbbing headache and nausea preceded by visual disturbances)
• worsening of pre-existing migraine, any unusually frequent or unusually severe headaches
• sudden disturbances of vision or hearing
• swollen veins (phlebitis)
• itching of the whole body
• unusual upper abdominal pain that do not disappear within a short period of time

Well, I did find this regarding these pills.

Quote from: Magicka on October 22, 2016, 05:14:48 AMbut you really need to get on an anti-androgen to be more effective

Did you know that the anti-androgenic effect is actually a side-effect and not the primary effect? Maybe someday, the pharmaceutical companies might actually deliver something that is more appropriate, nope costs too much money.
I'm not sure what would have nastier side-effects, anti-androgens or simply boosting up the dosage of the pills.

More importantly, anti-androgens are expensive. It's much easier for me to take more pills than to hope to cover the costs of yet another batch of pills. Combined, they make a psychologist session look cheap.
Speaking of psychologists, with any luck, mine will talk to me today and will stop being annoying.

Yes I do think you are cute :P What do you mean "it's leaking" and what made ahem...  it "stop"  ;D

I guess I'm not an authority on drug effects by any means but I just heard that the drugs that are used as secondary AA's provide better results than just taking E. Heck, I may be wrong and have been wasting my money on spiractin 100 all this time for nothing but increased peeing(the very unpleasant primary use of the medication.)


All I know is that if I don't get a doctor soon for my meds I'll have revert to herbs again which are weaker and I really do not want to have to do that.

Quote from: Magicka on October 22, 2016, 11:27:32 PM
Yes I do think you are cute :P What do you mean "it's leaking" and what made ahem...  it "stop"  ;D

I guess I'm not an authority on drug effects by any means but I just heard that the drugs that are used as secondary AA's provide better results than just taking E. Heck, I may be wrong and have been wasting my money on spiractin 100 all this time for nothing but increased peeing(the very unpleasant primary use of the medication.)

All I know is that if I don't get a doctor soon for my meds I'll have revert to herbs again which are weaker and I really do not want to have to do that.

C...Cute... :D

I'm practically swimming in estradiol valerate. I accidentally received far too much, I could simply take more.
Now, if only I could convince a psychologist to give me some anti-androgens, and then it'll cover the many months of "therapy" before they think I'm ready. Maybe, I can squeeze some Spironolactone out of the ether or maybe not.

Uhh, when I say it's leaking... Urmm... You know... That horrible thing... I think it's rebelling against the pills.
And it aches a lot. That too. Weird stuff comes out. Uhh... This is awkward...

Wow! your body must be having some very fun fascinating(if the feeling on the unmentionable is at least a little pleasant that is lol!) responses to E than mine had!? ??? Micronized Progesterone USP works fantastically as an anti androgen as well. I'm pretty sure when I think of it that mixing high E doses with significant Progesterone should be significant enough to not warrant getting on a med with a secondary AA effect. Heck to be honest Spearmint Tea(organic whole leaves) is a strong herbal AA good for lowering body hair.

Quote from: Magicka on October 23, 2016, 12:09:32 AM
Wow! your body must be having some very fun fascinating(if the feeling on the unmentionable is at least a little pleasant that is lol!) responses to E than mine had!? ??? Micronized Progesterone USP works fantastically as an anti androgen as well. I'm pretty sure when I think of it that mixing high E doses with significant Progesterone should be significant enough to not warrant getting on a med with a secondary AA effect. Heck to be honest Spearmint Tea(organic whole leaves) is a strong herbal AA good for lowering body hair.

Mhm, the pain... there's gone down for the most part, although that's probably because I took the hormones nine hours ago, so the effects have probably weakened a little. Maybe, I'm not taking enough of it, oh well I'll worry about that tomorrow.

Spearmint Tea? Hm, really? That might be useful :)
I'm still waiting for my psychologist to get back to me, it could take a while.

How do I get rid of facial hair? Well, getting rid of all of the body hair would be nice too. Preferably in a way in which it never comes back.

I'm not sure the pills are doing that much with how disgustingly ugly I feel, probably because it's the truth.

I'll probably have to break a bunch of bones, get surgeons to put it back together properly, get plastic surgery, possibly get that height reduction surgery where they remove a portion of the bone in the leg, get rid of that thing, etc.

Stupid shoulders, stupid shoulders, stupid shoulders. Surgically re-engineering a good portion of it would be nice...
I'll smash it myself if I have to... Hm, might not work.

Perhaps ripping the hairs out by the root and sandpapering the area until they don't grow anymore might be effective against the hairs...

C'mon don't be talking about smashing yourself up, and breaking bones and all that brutal stuff. How wide can your shoulders be? Also what is your rib cage circumference? Lastly I'l like to know your waist at it's smallest point and your hips at the widest point for you waist to hip ratio please. I know it's a lot of questions but I'm trying to help.

Before I started horribly planned self-med hrt when I was almost 27 years(then I was on herbal therapy) old my shoulders were 16 inches wide I was 5 foot 9.5 tall as well. My underbust was 35.75 inches my waist was 33 inches while my hips were 37 inches as was my breasts. I had a waist to hip ratio of 0.91 not very good at all. But you see hrt generally healthy diet including healthy fats and more cardio really helps. At my prettiest and most fit in my transition before going backwards from short hrt supply and micro dosing myself I was fairly slender. I was being called ma'am  95% of the time too. My measurements were...


Bust 37.5
Underbust 33
Waist 30.5
Hips 38
Weighting 155 lbs and being 5 foot 8 inches tall. My waist to hip at this point was good for a female at 0.802

My only problem then was my 13.5 inches biceps I still had and my 6.75 inch wrists and 7.125 inch long hands eww!

Seriously. there was that much 5s I swear.

I'm reversing sadly here is my measurements now...

Bust 36
Underbust 33
Waist 32
Hips 37.5

shoot now my waist to hip is 0.85!


Ok, ok..  enough of rambling on!

Can't wait to get on my best hrt yet from a authentic pcp.

Hopefully I get initial bloodwork to see where I'm at now. Getting injection of estrogen monthly would be lovely also Micronized Progesterone taken as directed as well as maybe mixing two powerful Antiandrogens my body would be in heaven like it's never been before!

Quote from: Magicka on October 23, 2016, 12:09:32 AM
Micronized Progesterone USP works fantastically as an anti androgen as well.

At usual therapeutic doses, it is not antigonadotropic and has not shown to reduce T to DHT conversion. As such, its anti-androgenic action is negligible. Unless taken in high doses intramuscularly, frequently. Verify with doctor.

Okay, I'm just getting more and more offended by this psychologist dodging questions and trying to shutdown the conversation. I started complaining to the idiots who pushed me to her in the first place. The best she could do was come up with another psychologist to point me to, one who is so generic that he can't even motivate me to get out of bed, let alone get on a bus to see him x.x

It's some idiot who deals with mood disorders, anxiety and schizophrenia. Like hell I'm going there x.x

Fine, I'll just continue self-medicating for the foreseeable future.
I hate hate hate hate hate psychologists. I can't even get medical supervision due to those evil pieces of... Yes.

Quote from: Magicka on October 23, 2016, 10:17:15 AMmy shoulders were 16 inches wide

I should just die. Please liberate me from my mortal shell.
That garbage of mine needs to be smashed and put back together again.

Just a tip.. If you continue to annoy mental health professionals, you'll end up somewhere that you can't leave..

Quote from: kelly_aus on October 23, 2016, 05:35:45 PM
Just a tip.. If you continue to annoy mental health professionals, you'll end up somewhere that you can't leave..

Don't worry, I've had suicide on the table as an option for quite a while, I always have the option of taking like 20 pills one day and passing away. I'll never speak to one again, okay? Satisfied? x.x
And I can't be bothered to talk to her anymore, also what's she going to do from Europe? Is she God?

Please stop trolling. I was half-tempted to play dumb and act as if I didn't notice.

Quote from: Magicka on October 23, 2016, 10:17:15 AM
C'mon don't be talking about smashing yourself up, and breaking bones and all that brutal stuff. How wide can your shoulders be? Also what is your rib cage circumference? Lastly I'l like to know your waist at it's smallest point and your hips at the widest point for you waist to hip ratio please. I know it's a lot of questions but I'm trying to help.

Before I started horribly planned self-med hrt when I was almost 27 years(then I was on herbal therapy) old my shoulders were 16 inches wide I was 5 foot 9.5 tall as well. My underbust was 35.75 inches my waist was 33 inches while my hips were 37 inches as was my breasts. I had a waist to hip ratio of 0.91 not very good at all. But you see hrt generally healthy diet including healthy fats and more cardio really helps. At my prettiest and most fit in my transition before going backwards from short hrt supply and micro dosing myself I was fairly slender. I was being called ma'am  95% of the time too. My measurements were...


Bust 37.5
Underbust 33
Waist 30.5
Hips 38
Weighting 155 lbs and being 5 foot 8 inches tall. My waist to hip at this point was good for a female at 0.802

My only problem then was my 13.5 inches biceps I still had and my 6.75 inch wrists and 7.125 inch long hands eww!

Seriously. there was that much 5s I swear.

I'm reversing sadly here is my measurements now...

Bust 36
Underbust 33
Waist 32
Hips 37.5

shoot now my waist to hip is 0.85!

I'm terrible at measuring things, but I think this is vaguely accurate:

A height of 160cm aka 5'3. I'm taller than the measuring tape, so I had to get... Creative. Maybe, a doctor might be better at measuring it.
From one shoulder to another, it would be about 46cm. From one to my neck, it's about 19cm. This one was hard to measure on myself, so it might be wrong. I did notice that the sizes of clothing were like 38cm x.x
Bust size is about 31 inches. Hip size is about 31.5 inches. Waist size is about 28.5 inches. Don't know about the others, I think I have measuring tape around here somewhere.

Quote from: Xirafel on October 23, 2016, 05:49:05 PM
Don't worry, I've had suicide on the table as an option for quite a while, I always have the option of taking like 20 pills one day and passing away. I'll never speak to one again, okay? Satisfied? x.x
And I can't be bothered to talk to her anymore, also what's she going to do from Europe? Is she God?

Please stop trolling. I was half-tempted to play dumb and act as if I didn't notice.

God no don't KILL yourself! I'm sure you are better looking than you say you are. You sound like you are half way between an apple and a rectangle body type. You know hormones, time, healthy diet, and feminizing lower body workouts can actually shift you to a semi-hourglass figure it can happen. There is also surgery like breast augmentation and body contouring. If you ever decided to get those when you are more financial secure WAIT until after hrt and personal efforts gives you everything it can in and of itself usually around 5 years before modifying your body with that stuff. That way you can just build upon your fully developed bodies natural attributes.

Please just no self loathing and hate.

I do hope that you never do the horrible, I personally understand a lot of what your feeling as most people here I'm sure do. Started HRT on May 20th of this year, so just a little over 5 months, 4 months regular dosage as the first month was low dose. At the time I started HRT I weighed 243 pounds, been working my but off having finally found a reason to live so I weigh less. As much as it pains me everyday I've accepted that I'll never have a small frame. I'm currently 5'9" 186 pounds, size 12 mens shoes, 6.8" wrist, 16" shoulders, 42" hips, 35" waist, bust measurement are 40B. The only things I might have going for me is I'm relatively young (Just turned 25 a few weeks ago) my natural voice is a slightly higher tone and when I lived with my mother before I moved out 3 years ago my family members couldn't tell if it was me or my mother whenever I would answer the phone, and my adams apple is barely visible. I struggle daily wishing time would advance fast as 5 months is nothing in the grand scheme of the 3-5 years on average it takes for HRT to provide most of it's results. My goal is 160 pounds so with those remaining 26 pounds and a year or 2 of male bulk going away I should get a smaller but I doubt I'll ever have a tiny frame. As much of a toll all of the above does I find the resolve to live because as much torture as my current life has given me it's the only life I'm guaranteed to have and as much as I hope and wish some heaven, reincarnation or something will give me my rewards in another life for all my current suffering I honestly have know clue if such a thing does/will ever exist and the fear of dying never even getting to be myself even with as huge of a disadvantage I have is probably worse then the pain of accepting the shortcomings/available treatments for me.

Sorry for such a huge wall of text above I didn't mean to turn your thread into one about me but my hope was to maybe inspire even a tiny bit of hope or cheer you up, theres no cherry picking how much this situation sucks for all off us, a small error none of us ever had any control over and it causes us to deal with tons of pain, pain which most people will never have to deal with or understand. The only thing we can do is try and do our best which is certainly easier said then done but we aren't alone ^_^ I really do hope you find a good psychiatrist and can get the treatment that you want the most, regardless of your current physical body your no less a girl then anyone! Sorry I know I typed so much and probably failed trying to be an internet counselor T_T Haha

I half-expected this to happen, as my psychologist is over three times my age and they had a completely different way of dealing with these sorts of issues back in the '60s (she was probably a psychologist back then too), but it's not like I have that much of a choice. My parents hold the lion's share of the money around here and they decided that they liked her.

I might play dumb with them about what she said (Recommendations? What recommendations? I didn't hear any from her!) and see if a doctor can come up with a recommendation for a psychologist who isn't likely to prescribe me anti-psychotics. For whatever reason, they don't want my opinion on where to go.

Someone decided to be snarky about how I was desperately latching onto her, you know the one, but let's see if they can come up with a solution, if they think they're such an expert. Luckily, I've been dealing with trolls for a decade, if it was someone else then that would be a shove in the horrible direction, but I still don't find it fun.

If I didn't take things into my own hands, then who knows when I would get started. In six months? A year? Two?
And who knows whether I'll be flown over to another country, possibly the U.K. where it can apparently take two years simply to get started in that time, including humiliating myself by running around in a dress for a year to convince them that I'm legitimate.

Quote from: Magicka on October 23, 2016, 07:31:16 PM
God no don't KILL yourself! I'm sure you are better looking than you say you are. You sound like you are half way between an apple and a rectangle body type. You know hormones, time, healthy diet, and feminizing lower body workouts can actually shift you to a semi-hourglass figure it can happen. There is also surgery like breast augmentation and body contouring. If you ever decided to get those when you are more financial secure WAIT until after hrt and personal efforts gives you everything it can in and of itself usually around 5 years before modifying your body with that stuff. That way you can just build upon your fully developed bodies natural attributes.

Please just no self loathing and hate.

Five years... I'll be even older and uglier by then... Most of my life has already gone by.
I'll just be a horrifically ugly corporate slave with no life.

Hm, maybe I can burn the facial hair off... Or shave it off and then sandpaper it really hard...? Will that work...?
Pesky hair. It keeps regenerating like a monster.

Quote from: Xirafel on October 23, 2016, 09:53:15 PM
Five years... I'll be even older and uglier by then... Most of my life has already gone by.
I'll just be a horrifically ugly corporate slave with no life.

If you redirect your effort to figuring out how to make a pile of money, your transition issues would be solved. I found a profession that paid me to have fun. I programed computers in college for nothing and enjoyed it so much, I wanted to do it professionally. There is life beyond the transition so it's time you spent some effort deciding what you are going to do after you compete your transition. You have no desire to be a corporate slave so what is your ideal future and how will you reach that goal?

Hm, there's a lot less pain than yesterday, although my ears are a little achy x.x
My ideal future... After completing the transition? There is no end to the transition. The transition is eternal o.o
And it'll cost me like $100K to get everything done, so much money... and I'll be even more old and ugly... x.x

Do you mean how long it would take for me not to be treated like a second class citizen? Well, if people really start abusing me after the changes appear, then I could always take like 50 pills and bring an end to my misery. One of the possible side-effects of these pills is sudden death, it's there in the list :o

It's silly when people think that we take hormones for fun when we have all sorts of exciting side-effects like that :(

Okay, with any luck, the ear ache will vanish too, I hope. The initial side-effects of these pills just hit me like a truck and I'm not even taking that much yet. I'll have to adapt to it. Mm.

I'm so childish, grimacing at the sight of a name. Stupid me. Useless. Trash.
Uh, apparently I get to see a doctor soon after-all. Yay, doctors :)

How old are you again? You say you live with your parents but you also said that "most of my life has already gone by" when you responded to my statement concerning contouring and augmentation AFTER your body matured it's way from hrt for enough time. I though you were in your late teens or early 20s though!? ??? Why are you so bitter? What do you mean your hair regenerates itself and that it needs to be "BURNED OFF" what the hell? If you have fair skin and darkish to especially full blown dark hair than LASER works like a charm! Heck laser has even improved enough for fair skin and light hair to work albeit not as well but results are possible. Then on the other hand there is Electrolysis which is the one true PRR method that works on all skin and hair types. No fire or magma required to remove hair. :o

There is hope unless your like an orc from Lord of the Rings or something similar I'm sure you are not like that by any means. ;)

Quote from: Magicka on October 24, 2016, 05:22:54 AM
How old are you again? You say you live with your parents but you also said that "most of my life has already gone by" when you responded to my statement concerning contouring and augmentation AFTER your body matured it's way from hrt for enough time. I though you were in your late teens or early 20s though!? ???

Mm, most of my life has gone by. I'm just old and miserable now. Teens? I wish. Well, half of the people on these forums would probably kill for the chance to go back to their teens. Early 20s? You could say that.

Quote from: Magicka on October 24, 2016, 05:22:54 AMWhy are you so bitter?

Because I look like a... monster... It's horrible...

Quote from: Magicka on October 24, 2016, 05:22:54 AMIf you have fair skin and darkish to especially full blown dark hair than LASER works like a charm! Heck laser has even improved enough for fair skin and light hair to work albeit not as well but results are possible. Then on the other hand there is Electrolysis which is the one true PRR method that works on all skin and hair types. No fire or magma required to remove hair. :o

Someone told me that it was ridiculously difficult to get rid of it with the costs going up to something ridiculous for facial hair specifically. I'm a student, so I'm poor. I can't spend thousands of dollars on getting rid of it :(

Quote from: Magicka on October 24, 2016, 05:22:54 AMLASER

Maybe, one of those sci-fi laser guns might work.

I also hear that I'll probably be banned from the toilets and might have to do it behind a tree or something.

Hm, I just measured the waist size, I last measured it months ago and it's 69cm now.

*

Xirafel:

You are never too old to start.  You are relatively quite young at your current starting age according to how you describe yourself here.  I know at least two people among my trans support groups who started in their late-60s; one is currently pre-op, the other had her GCS / SRS at age 70.  I have come to personally befriend through my trans support groups at least another dozen people all in their 50s or 60s who are currently transitioning or completed their GCS / SRS within the past two years.  Their outlook is quite positive with no regrets for changing this late in life.  I correspond via e-mail with another handfull who live across the Earth also who are in their 50s or 60s and glad they waited.

Certainly youth has its benefits - 'T' has less time to do its destruction.

Know that your path will be on your timeline - please take a moment to think through where you fit and go with the flow.

If you will be returning to the British Isles, you can find posts here at Susan's Place from fellow Brits who can inform you about physicians and surgeons in the system there.

There are numerous threads here to help you with all the processes and timelines - therapy, hormone 'cocktail', electrolysis / laser, RLE to female full-time.  Allow me to second Veronica's five-point goals list (Reply #68).

Laser was actually kinda fun.  One post-op friend recently lured me to her salon for a touch-up.  Two or three more visits and I shall be done for ever.  It did not hurt one bit.  And now I have that experience to comment on it from experience.

You take issue about the cost of drugs.  The major national chain store here in the USA where I buy my prescription charges USA$10 for a three months supply each of estrogen and progesterone.  Enquire at your national chain drug stores at Australia if they offer such programs.  As for 'pills pills pills' - more is NOT better.  Your endocrinologist will review your medical circumstance and match your dose to achieve the correct hormone level as determined by blood tests.

Locate and participate in trans support groups where you reside.  Likely most larger communities have at least one, maybe more groups with different formats and member activities.  They are good places to share experiences.  They will provide reliable referrals to physicians and counsellors.  Someone at group may be able to provide well-needed hand-holding as you wind your way through all that is new and unknown to you.

Many government and government-sponsored grant-financed medical services in the USA provide alternate fee scales based upon income; enquire if there are any where you reside.  I did sessions last year with two counsellors for $16 per session.  Maybe if your college includes a medical school, they may provide such sliding scale services.

Consider attending college courses in either human anatomy and physiology or comparative anatomy.  These classes will help you understand the biological processes in a way that you seem to be yearning to know.  If you can't afford that extra cost, then take an hour or two each week reading medical textbooks, befriend medical students, or maybe you can get a student job at a school laboratory.

If your ultimate plan is GCS / SRS, then it will do you well to begin enquiries. There are many surgeons around the world.  I think there is a surgeon in the UK and one at Netherlands.  Of course there are the 'Big Three' of Thailand (Dr. Chettawut, Dr. Suporn, and PAI).  There is nothing lost by researching them and perhaps beginning a correspondence with them to determine who meets your needs.  Some surgeons have waiting lists that are years long.

You must do nothing to damage your anatomy!!!  Surgeons will use what you have to re-form you.  Do you want to know exactly?  There are several threads here that describe the surgery.  Briefly, the male penis is the homologue to female labia minora and clitoris; the scrotal sac will line your neo-vagina.  You do NOT want to damage your anatomy!!!  There are many of us here who are post-op; ask or PM any of us and we'll tell you all the details.  Veronica is talking straight talk to you.

Many who opt for VFS go to Ye-son (South Korea).  Allow me to second what Sidney wrote.  I, too, was a singer who kept my female range.  Whether that helpt or not, my voice did not masculinise.

Not everyone requires or requests thyroid cartilage shave or FFS.  Hormones can help in those departments - again, especially while you are young. 

Speaking for myself, I went through years of transition questioning my appearance all for nothing.  In the midst of thinking I appeared too male, strangers were calling me 'Miss' and clocking me as female without me trying.  It was my 'male fail' period.  Present yourself as female and people will accept you as female.  Yes, it IS that simple.

I chuckled when you commented about your mother.  My mother also refused to take my transition seriously, she told me that she thought my pills were candy imitation, and seeing me as female did not convince her to the day she died.  My dad knew it was real, but could not accept it.  My sister still seems to not grasp the reality; she thinks I am a balding, beer-bellied man who wears dresses. 

I frequently explain to people that I have no regrets other than not doing my transition better.  There is nothing wrong with the 'go slow' approach.  Look at my timeline - my transition took 11 years; I have no regrets about that duration.  I would have kept at it if it took 50 years.  Perhaps for me, five years could have been too quick.  You will determine your own timeline to meet your needs.  You will do well as you make carefull decisions.

Please read DuchessBianca's post.  She has overcome much.  So will you in your own way as we all do.  Likewise, as Dena posted, your life is not your transition but what you do with your life before, during, and after you complete transition at whatever extent satisfies you (see this thread here at Susan's: 'When does transition end?' through the 'Transitioning' section; 'https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,215699.0.html').

You express bitterness at your current appearance.  Most of us started quite awkward and proceeded to pretty good results.  It did not occur over-night - it took time.  See how we all started compared to now.  Check out such threads as 'The All New 'Before & After Topic v 3.0' (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,168444.1620.html&#8217).  You can find me at 'Reply #1632' (Thank you, Mariah).  BTW, do I appear like a bald, fat man in a dress?

Take good care of your self and your self will take good care of you.

*

PS:  My apologies to the audience for writing a tome.  Xirafel raised many issues and I wanted to get to them for her and anyone else whom this can help.

*

Okay, they booked an appointment at the doctors. They can't back out now, haha :D
Anything particular I should say there?  ???

Popped another pill. Timing is a tough one, I took it 10 minutes late x.x

Quote from: Sharon Anne McC on October 24, 2016, 08:13:23 PM
You take issue about the cost of drugs.  The major national chain store here in the USA where I buy my prescription charges USA$10 for a three months supply each of estrogen and progesterone.  Enquire at your national chain drug stores at Australia if they offer such programs.  As for 'pills pills pills' - more is NOT better.  Your endocrinologist will review your medical circumstance and match your dose to achieve the correct hormone level as determined by blood tests.

I can't get an endocrinologist, I have to go through the system first which involves getting a referral, and my psychologist won't have any of that. She referred me to a psychologist who deals with anxiety, mood disorders and schizophrenia instead of a psychologist who deals with anxiety, transgender, etc.

Also, your costs are lower by a factor of ten (I might be a little off, currency conversions are a tricky thing).
And that's just the estradiol valerate which costs me $80AUD, but I have the pills so that's great.
Anti-androgens have the same cost, yay.

The reason why I can get away with simply popping more is because I accidentally got too many.
I'm not complaining about that though, who would give up free stuff?

Quote from: Sharon Anne McC on October 24, 2016, 08:13:23 PM
Consider attending college courses in either human anatomy and physiology or comparative anatomy.  These classes will help you understand the biological processes in a way that you seem to be yearning to know.  If you can't afford that extra cost, then take an hour or two each week reading medical textbooks, befriend medical students, or maybe you can get a student job at a school laboratory.

I don't really particularly care about becoming a doctor, so no.
I have no desire to dissect corpses, etc. to train to be a doctor. It was bad enough back when I had to go to school when I was cutting open organs from... A pig, I believe. Ugh, that was horrible...

Quote from: Sharon Anne McC on October 24, 2016, 08:13:23 PM
Not everyone requires or requests thyroid cartilage shave or FFS.  Hormones can help in those departments - again, especially while you are young.

If I want to be discriminated against and treated like a freak. I super, super need it.

Urm, uh... It leaked again... How do I stop it from leaking...? Stupid thing.
Only small occasional throbs of pain in that thing now.

With any luck, the evil hormone is being kept in check. Hopefully.

http://hairremoval.about.com/od/laser/a/laser-perm.htm

QuoteHere's the fact: There is no 100% guaranteed permanent hair removal method. Electrolysis is approved by the FDA for permanent hair removal, and has the best overall results over any other method for ridding hair for long periods of time, or even permanently. But studies have shown it doesn't give everyone these permanent results forever.

QuoteSome laser centers make it sound that you'll never have to be reunited with your hair again, just by getting the right amount of visits with their machine. As to date, there is no laser hair removal equipment that has been approved by the FDA for permanent hair removal. However, the FDA has approved laser hair removal machines with permanent hair reduction because it can get rid of hair on the right candidates for long periods of time with multiple treatments. Generally, the right candidates are considered those with light to medium skin tones and dark hair.

Urmm...

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fimg.webmd.com%2Fdtmcms%2Flive%2Fwebmd%2Fconsumer_assets%2Fsite_images%2Farticles%2Fimage_article_collections%2Fanatomy_pages%2Fshoulder.jpg&hash=08e70f14f9a07c8393628e45be30e0a85392ca85)
Hmm... I wonder how muscle regenerates...

Urmm... So.... I have an appointment with a doctor, appointments are always good :)
What should I say to the doctor? I think my parents probably want a recommendation, referral or whatever it is that it's called from hir.

With any luck, it would be a recommendation for a psychologist who won't think I'm crazy.
Also, I discovered that I can rip bits of body hair out with my teeth, unfortunately I can't do that to facial hair, are these hairs gone forever? The hair on my head, body and face is thick and black. My skin was pale, but I think the sun made it a slightly darker now.

Also, the pain from these pills are dying down a little. More pain would be nice. More. More. More. Pain is a beautiful thing. Pain makes the pain go away.

Urmm, sorry. I'm probably spamming this thread up with posts today x.x

Quote from: Sharon Anne McC on October 24, 2016, 08:13:23 PM
Locate and participate in trans support groups where you reside.  Likely most larger communities have at least one, maybe more groups with different formats and member activities.  They are good places to share experiences.  They will provide reliable referrals to physicians and counsellors.  Someone at group may be able to provide well-needed hand-holding as you wind your way through all that is new and unknown to you.

Y...Y...Y...You... want me to go to such a pl...place... l...looking... and sounding... like this...? :o
Urm, uh... And what if I run into someone on these forums t...there...? That would be super em...barrassing... I'm really, really super s...shy... I'm not sure I would even make it through the door... I would stare at it from a distance and keep going... Uuuuu....

Urm, so how do I do FFS without driving myself into debt? Maybe, I need some large loans? o.o
Any recommendations on that? I might want to get rid of that thing too... Hm... Face takes priority. Yeah.
Can it even fix something this grotesque? What if they botch the surgery? Aaaaaaaa

Urm, uh... I think there was a change. I'm thinking that I might be crazy next to none of the time and I feel even more revulsion to this body. Probably because I'm not constantly obsessing over getting these pills o.o

If I don't have something to constantly distract me... Things can get pretty bad. With any luck, I won't have any toilet problems, although SRS should solve that among other things.

Quote from: Xirafel on October 24, 2016, 11:05:47 PM
http://hairremoval.about.com/od/laser/a/laser-perm.htm
Urmm...

Well I guess if its on the internet then its true  ;D...just kidding...there are so many threads here about successful hair removal and much of it boils down to some really simple facts about how hair grows and how to kill it. Unfortunately people forget about how hair grows when factoring in the removal

Electrolysis will permanently kill off the hair...however unless your Electrologist is gifted it is unlikely you will get on zap one kill on every hair...simple laws of average would tell that some won't die.

Laser will only kill off dark pigmented hair that is the "Active growth" Stage...and also keep in mind we have some huge amount hair follicles genetically on our faces anyway. Laser is much faster and you get quicker results with much less pain....if I had to go once every few months for a touch up I wouldn't mind...it's a bit painful in the beginning because there are so many hairs but as you progress there are less and less...I would have about 60 % reduction in dark hair growth and I have had about 14 sessions....I now have both Dr's and Dentists who will give me facial injections for Electrolysis so I can really push ahead with it...

Yes it will take time and like many of us you will endure, ;D

Liz

I noticed that it's possible to buy the devices which do the laser-ing, is there any difference between using that and getting it done professionally? o.o

I spoke to psychologist again noting the fact that while he might be experienced, he isn't exactly a specialist in all of the required fields, thus he is unsuitable for administering therapy. I pretended to overlook the fact that he basically deals with crazy people, as who knows how she might react.

I mean, come on. I walk past like five facilities which happen to have transgender specialists in the city centre all the time. Assuming that I have the money, I can basically just walk in x.x

I wonder if a psychologist would insist that I'm not trans, if I took out a pack of estradiol valerate, popped a few pills into my mouth and continued talking as if that's nothing important and perfectly normal.

Sun Tzu's Art of War has taught me much about how to deal with a psychologist :)

QuoteThe general that hearkens to my counsel and acts upon it, will conquer: let such a one be retained in command! The general that hearkens not to my counsel nor acts upon it, will suffer defeat:--let such a one be dismissed!

Quote18. All warfare is based on deception.

19. Hence, when able to attack, we must seem unable; when using our forces, we must seem inactive; when we are near, we must make the enemy believe we are far away; when far away, we must make him believe we are near.

20. Hold out baits to entice the enemy. Feign disorder, and crush him.

21. If he is secure at all points, be prepared for him. If he is in superior strength, evade him.

22. If your opponent is of choleric temper, seek to irritate him. Pretend to be weak, that he may grow arrogant.

23. If he is taking his ease, give him no rest. If his forces are united, separate them.

24. Attack him where he is unprepared, appear where you are not expected.

25. These military devices, leading to victory, must not be divulged beforehand.

26. Now the general who wins a battle makes many calculations in his temple ere the battle is fought. The general who loses a battle makes but few calculations beforehand. Thus do many calculations lead to victory, and few calculations to defeat: how much more no calculation at all! It is by attention to this point that I can foresee who is likely to win or lose.

Quote from: Xirafel on October 25, 2016, 05:28:37 PM
I noticed that it's possible to buy the devices which do the laser-ing, is there any difference between using that and getting it done professionally? o.o

I spoke to psychologist again noting the fact that while he might be experienced, he isn't exactly a specialist in all of the required fields, thus he is unsuitable for administering therapy. I pretended to overlook the fact that he basically deals with crazy people, as who knows how she might react.

I mean, come on. I walk past like five facilities which happen to have transgender specialists in the city centre all the time. Assuming that I have the money, I can basically just walk in x.x

I wonder if a psychologist would insist that I'm not trans, if I took out a pack of estradiol valerate, popped a few pills into my mouth and continued talking as if that's nothing important and perfectly normal.

Sun Tzu's Art of War has taught me much about how to deal with a psychologist :)

Professional lasers are huge machines and can really do damage if not used correctly. The laser is strong enough to vaporise the hairs. The home ones I have heard mixed results about and use much lower power laser light. Some have had good results over a long period.

Depending on who is running the clinic they may let you see someone for free...especially if it is a charity run clinic...worth asking maybe...if the person you are seeing is not any good with the gender stuff he should refer you on or maybe you could ask him to refer you to someone who has the right experience. Do you think the person you are seeing now is going to be able to help you at all? Even just until you can find the right person..

Liz

Accumulating $100,000 isn't that difficult if you make it your goal. My transition cost were around $30,000 but in todays money that would be $100,000 to $120,000. Unfortunately some of that money was wasted because I couldn't connect with the proper care. My transition was pay as you go so I didn't need a big pile of money all at once and all the money I used was earned between age 21 and 30. I worked all that time and I was very careful how I spent my money. I paid for an apartment, food, transportation and all other expenses without money from anybody else. I cooked for my self and outside entertainment was minimal so I could save as much as possible. If you truly want to transition and not play games, I suspect you can do a better job of it than I did as I suspect you are brighter than I was at the time.

Maybe it'll inspire some hope in you for laser but based on my own experience Ive so far had 3 laser hair removal sessions on my face, before I started HRT my body would grow a full, thick, half inch long black beard covering my entire face/neck in nearly a week, the trauma of those memories T_T Most people say it takes about 6-8 sessions to get the max out of laser but in only 3 sessions 85% of my facial hair is completely gone and only the most stubborn part around the mouth/chin remains. Maybe I'm somehow genetically lucky (Though I'd much rather be lucky with a small frame which I'm not in the least T_T) even though HRT doesn't really do much for facial hair at all so it still perplexes me how good only 3 sessions have worked (I just had my 3rd a week ago and usually takes a few weeks to notice the difference so that progress was only in 2 sessions)

Long story short while it may not be forever permanent removal it does do a great job of removing hair though laser on my face has been the worst physical pain I've felt in my life bleh

Is it just me or are some sounds harder to hear now? I might need a hearing test. Maybe, I'm just getting old.
This body is a real pile of garbage x.x

If it's the pills, then it's a small price to pay :(

Quote from: ElizabethK on October 25, 2016, 07:56:05 PM
Depending on who is running the clinic they may let you see someone for free...especially if it is a charity run clinic...worth asking maybe...if the person you are seeing is not any good with the gender stuff he should refer you on or maybe you could ask him to refer you to someone who has the right experience. Do you think the person you are seeing now is going to be able to help you at all? Even just until you can find the right person..

I don't think she's going to help, but I'm desperate enough to try. And clinics don't do things for free.

From the looks of it, it's probably the specific brand of the pills that's causing the various pains and not the estradiol valerate itself, other people on these very forums complain about pain when dealing with the same pills x.x
Also, interestingly enough, there's a warning on it against using it for people over the age of 65 o.o

No matter, I can't be picky. Maybe, I'll swap it out for something else in three to six months time when my supply runs out, depends on how many I consume. Theoretically, that should cover the time needed for therapy to approve access to an endocrinologist, even if the current situation is dragged out who will hopefully prescribe something with far less severe side-effects.

On the bright side, it should block the bad hormones from making further undesirable changes and might even make positive changes. Anti-androgens would naturally help greatly and would be less annoying to administer as those ones at-least wouldn't be part of a DIY job.

Also, I finally have a local phone number, yay. I'll have to investigate something important :)
Little does my psychologist know that I have a back-up plan. Two, in-fact.
I'm desperate. But not as desperate as she thinks. Or at the very least, I don't necessarily have to rely on her.

There are lots of "what ifs" in my plan though, and I'm not going to risk further bad changes, so my pills will be my safety net. They will keep things rolling while I try to push for a competent psychologist. Somehow.
With any luck, she'll point to someone who's actually a transgender specialist, which will satisfy the stupid parents who think that all psychologists are evil and that they need a referral for everything to avoid the depths of darkness.

Let me find that quote from Sun Tzu:

QuoteThe general that hearkens to my counsel and acts upon it, will conquer: let such a one be retained in command! The general that hearkens not to my counsel nor acts upon it, will suffer defeat:--let such a one be dismissed!

I have no need for a psychologist who might not know the first thing about transgender and might mistake it for a delusion.

Actually, I have no need for a psychologist who opposes me all the way, especially one who is ignorant. If they don't act as my arms and legs to sign the documents, then they're useless and should be replaced with someone who will x.x
And yes, I am kind of seeking some form of employment, but it's easier said than done in today's job market, especially as I am a student o.o

Your biggest concern should be that self medicating on drugs that you do not know actually contain what you think they contain could well leave you with a DVT or a stroke and leave you paralysed for the rest of your life. Of course they could kill you but that doesn't seem to be a problem for you.

Quote from: Xirafel on October 26, 2016, 02:52:28 AM
From the looks of it, it's probably the specific brand of the pills that's causing the various pains and not the estradiol valerate itself, other people on these very forums complain about pain when dealing with the same pills.
Also, interestingly enough, there's a warning on it against using it for people over the age of 65.

No matter, I can't be picky. Maybe, I'll swap it out for something else in three to six months time when my supply runs out, depends on how many I consume. Theoretically, that should cover the time needed for therapy to approve access to an endocrinologist, even if the current situation is dragged out who will hopefully prescribe something with far less severe side-effects.

On the bright side, it should block the bad hormones from making further undesirable changes and might even make positive changes. Anti-androgens would naturally help greatly and would be less annoying to administer as those ones at-least wouldn't be part of a DIY job.

Also, I finally have a local phone number, yay. I'll have to investigate something important.
Little does my psychologist know that I have a back-up plan. Two, in-fact.
I'm desperate. But not as desperate as she thinks. Or at the very least, I don't necessarily have to rely on her.

There are lots of "what ifs" in my plan though, and I'm not going to risk further bad changes, so my pills will be my safety net. They will keep things rolling while I try to push for a competent psychologist. Somehow.
With any luck, she'll point to someone who's actually a transgender specialist, which will satisfy the stupid parents who think that all psychologists are evil and that they need a referral for everything to avoid the depths of darkness.

Quote from: Cindy on October 26, 2016, 03:13:34 AM
Your biggest concern should be that self medicating on drugs that you do not know actually contain what you think they contain could well leave you with a DVT or a stroke and leave you paralysed for the rest of your life. Of course they could kill you but that doesn't seem to be a problem for you.

Neither do you know that your drugs contain what you think you do.
Also, these are all risks of HRT, ones which we all signed up for.

I'm actually half surprised that no one hasn't told me that I'm wrong about what I've said yet.
That I could easily get a blood test without jumping through bureaucratic hoops, I mean everyone here seems to be about getting everyone onto medical oversight. I will take the lack of a response as to say that it's impossible x.x

Everyone says to "just deal with it", but that's basically what the entirety of society wants me to do. For my entire life.

Quote from: Xirafel on October 26, 2016, 03:22:35 AM

Quote from: Cindy on October 26, 2016, 03:13:34 AM
Your biggest concern should be that self medicating on drugs that you do not know actually contain what you think they contain could well leave you with a DVT or a stroke and leave you paralysed for the rest of your life. Of course they could kill you but that doesn't seem to be a problem for you.

Neither do you know that your drugs contain what you think you do.
Also, these are all risks of HRT, ones which we all signed up for.

I'm actually half surprised that no one hasn't told me that I'm wrong about what I've said yet.
That I could easily get a blood test or other things without jumping through bureaucratic hoops, I mean everyone here seems to be about getting everyone onto medical oversight. I will take the lack of a response as to say that it's impossible.

You just confirm suspicions

Quote from: Cindy on October 26, 2016, 03:27:53 AM
You just confirm suspicions

What suspicions? The ones we all had since five pages ago? Are you acting as a judge now?

We all know that self-medicating here is taboo. But guess what. Being transgender is also taboo in today's society.
Also, if you want to ban me for being transgender, then go ahead and do it, or is that not your intent with that tone? x.x

I'm already more or less a persona non grata here anyway, I wouldn't lose much.
Everyone probably thinks I'm an annoying and disgusting piece of trash. And quite frankly, I am. I won't deny that.
I deserve to die, but the death sentence never comes. My very existence is an abomination. I should have never been born.

If you think you can pull me onto the right path, then do so without the holier than thou-ness.
Yes, I'm cranky. I have T to blame for that. My emotions are completely out of whack. Completely uncontrollable.
I don't pop pills for fun. I have waited for a long time to get somewhere, constantly blocked at every turn, desperately looking for a way, etc.

See, I'm just a terrible, terrible person. Just a worthless piece of trash. Sorry, but it's probably not a good idea to be really confrontational with me, the bad hormones have made my emotions extremely unstable. I'm like a powder keg x.x

My brain's just all sorts of defective. As always, thanks to those who help, but I really would appreciate advice on how to proceed. Well, everyone probably hates me anyway. I would hate me too. Mm, that's probably the best approach.

I try and try and try and the world swats me down. The job market is overcrowded, I get zero money from being a student, my parents jump in my way at every opportunity, my psychologist thinks I'm crazy, etc.
Sorry, I probably should post a good portion of these posts in the venting forum. I usually just vent in the first place I can think of.

I should probably just leave these forums. I'm only a bother anyway.

Also, you forgot something that you said. Any doctor can prescribe pills. And they don't have to play by the rulebook.