Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Haha this is a stupid question I know... But I'm so sick of feeling like a boy while everyone calls me a girl and it hurts and I feel so stupid because it's "just a word" and it shouldn't hurt.

I hate how everyone acts like I chose to "identify" as a boy when I try so desperately to identify as a girl just so they don't lose their "daughter." No one even takes me seriously when I say I'm transgender because I wasn't a tomboy as a little kid and didn't start to question anything until 11. (I'm 17 now) And no one will take me to a therapist so I can be diagnosed by a professional for some reason?

I just need to stop hurting and the only way I can see to do that is if I be a girl, like my family wants. But I don't know how to do that? They think I'm just being stubborn and refusing to let go of this "fantasy of being a boy."

I don't know what to do. No one believes what I say or who I am anymore.

You can't stop being, but you can try to ignore it.

Ignoring it will make them happy.
Ignoring it may grant you the cookie cutter "American dream" thing.
Then at age 70, you'll wonder, "Ok, do I get to live my life now?"
and a few months later you're dead.

There is no way to undo being trans; and there is no way to avoid paying the price.
The quest is to find a price you can live with.

I tried to stop being trans.  I succeeded too, about 100 times.  One time I even stopped being trans for three whole days.  It always came right back though.

When I was 17 it was easy to believe I could beat it because I was on top of the world in high school and college.  (One thing being trans is good for is instilling extreme motivation to overcompensate in your birth sex)

But for most of us it just gets worse and worse the older you become.

I know quite a few guys who were very feminine pre-transition, or who tried to be feminine to make their families happy. Ultimately, if you're trans and you know that transition is right for you, trying to put on a costume and dress up as someone else isn't going to make you happy even if it keeps the peace at home. It'll probably make you feel worse, it sounds like.

You're 17. What are your plans for after high school? College is a great place to transition and start fresh, and you'd have some freedom being away from your family. A lot of schools also have great, affordable health insurance plans that cover a lot of costs related to transition.

I know it's not ideal, but that is what I would try to focus on if I was in your shoes.

Be strong and be patient for a little while. Remember you are on the cusp of your situation being more in your control. Easily said, but not easy to do, I know. I say be strong. Take this time to learn how to trust yourself. Remember, people often don't understand situations like ours. Your feelings are legitimate. Don't let them convince  you otherwise. Everyone's background is different. Yours is no less "real" than anyone else's.
Moni

You can't stop being trans but you can deny it and conform to make those around you more comfortable. ......and that's no way to live.

You are your own person. This is YOUR life, YOUR block of time on this planet. Be true to yourself, always.

I say just be yourself all the time. If you're a man then you're a man, if you're a woman then you're a woman. It's possible that maybe you're somewhere in the middle. There are many things that you can do to learn more about yourself and mature as a person, into your true self. I advice simple yet important things such as prayer, quiet time to do some serious thinking and learn more about yourself, visiting a specialist to learn more about your health and if you might already have an intersex condition or a hormonal imbalance, trusting your instincts, education.

I know what you are going through. I came out when I was 16 and lived in a pretty much non binary state for two years before I stuffed everything away. I ignored all of the feelings, all the red flags, and everything. I pretended I was "normal". I got married, I had kids. It is 12 years later and the emotions and feelings are still here, and now they have come back to the surface louder than ever. I can't squish it back down anymore. I am trans, I can't stop being that. Neither can you.

You can ignore it. You can give everyone else what they want, but you won't be happy. I haven't been happy for the past twelve years. Finding myself now, has finally given me some clarity and happiness. I am taking steps towards coming back out, staying out, and transitioning and I couldn't be happier. I am going to lose people over it (most likely my husband), but I have to think of myself for once.

So if you choose to ignore it, eventually you will need to think of yourself as well. There is no running away from the feeling of being trans. It will always be there. Be true to who you are. You deserve to be happy.

You're still young, so you still have time to figure everything out. Don't rush anything. Transition takes time, and there will be obstacles and long path, but you can do it. Figure out things one step at a time. Go to college maybe, start transitioning there.

If you truly are transgender then no, you can't stop it.

You're 17 so you're one year away from being legally entitled to leave home and do whatever you want as an adult, including seeking therapy. Not the answer I'd like to give but at least you're not long off legal independence.

Being Transgender is something you can suppress, maybe for years and years until you finally make a change, or maybe some people do it their entire life, those feelings of longing coming and going

but the feelings never go away, they will always be there

...and for me, once things 'click' and you learn what you can do, those feeling only get stronger, and harder to suppress? How do you deny yourself...yourself?

To answer your question, no you can't stop being transgender. Sure you can hide/deny/not act upon it, and this can make people around you happy, but it won't make you happy. Trust me, I've been there. Being trans isn't a choice and it isn't your fault or anyone else's, it's just the way you are. It's really hard as a young person, but you will be able to live openly in future, just focus on that. I know it sucks to wait but it's not forever.

Good luck man!

I keep trying to supress mine, but it keeps coming back stronger when someone says something like calling me she, or for example I went skiing and someone working at the ski lodge tried to fit me for "girls" boots instead of mens. They kept having to get a bigger size in girls because pre T I already have masculine thick muscular calves that won't fit into girl's ski boots. I will be starting T again in November hopefully.

Pass the pill, ointment, shot or therapy over here. I'll take it right now.

No, you can't.

And trying to ignore it is a terrible idea. At some point, it'll come back and hit you like a train when you least expect it.

I attempted to "forget being trans" and my mental health, dysphoria and sense of loneliness and the depression connected to being trans all got significantly worse.

So I chose to embrace it fully and will transition as soon as possible. It's the best decision I'm going to make in my life, because nothing could be worse than living trapped like this, being misgendered constantly and considered just a masculine woman or a gay woman. Nothing is worse than that and nothing is worse than me being always disgusted by my body.

You can't change your identity, you can only choose to embrace it and if you want, transition to change your body and the way other people see you (some people will still think you're your birth sex no matter how much you change your body, but you'll learn to ignore them).

And words are not just words. Words define things and people. Words affect everyone and influence the perception of reality.

I just tried..grew the mustache..goatee...and cringed every time I looked in a mirror.
I can take the eyeliner off the girl..and yes I can remove the wig to total baldness. But I can't take the trans out of Marlee.
A lot does depend on your level of dysphoria. But for me, trans exists at manly levels and for some it can happily exist internally, or with the external in private only. But if dysphoria exists in stages, or on a sliding scale, I would wager that there's a fine line between the "I can be happy as a CD, and that tipping point where that internal "gearing" tells us that there's something wrong and I want to make it right.


...and the mustache and goatee went bye bye

I tried to pray away my gender dysphoria so I could live as a cis woman, but God didn't take it away and sometimes I felt like he was telling me it was part of my path in life.

personally, I do not believe you can just "stop". As some have said, sometimes you can ignore, but in my experience that never ends well. looking at the situation you have described instead of saying you should just ignore it, my advice would be to just have patience and just stay strong in your beliefs, as they are true. I recently had to move back in with my parents for a short time and I tried this, and it seemed to work. I just stayed as patient as I could both for how fast I want my transition to move, and how they did not seem to understand what it meant to me. that patience has helped me a lot as my family is becoming more and more accepting as I just lay low and move at a slow pace. Try to set reasonable, slow moving goals and maybe it will be easier for your family to understand that this is a long term thing that is real, not just some idea you got in your head. Also talking with a professional always helps.

Quote from: tyler_c on September 13, 2016, 06:13:13 PM
Haha this is a stupid question I know... But I'm so sick of feeling like a boy while everyone calls me a girl and it hurts and I feel so stupid because it's "just a word" and it shouldn't hurt.

Me too. It sucks. Dysphoria sucks. It seems like it shouldn't hurt but it does, and it's part of what pushes us to want to socially transition.

QuoteI hate how everyone acts like I chose to "identify" as a boy when I try so desperately to identify as a girl just so they don't lose their "daughter."

I hate all of this "identity" language. Identity formation is a totally different cognitive process to the underlying notion that we are male or female (or both/neither). Julia Serrano calls it "subconscious gender". It's something deep inside of us, below the level of language. Identity, on the other hand, is a highly social thing that we have conscious control over. For example, you could have a French parent and live in the US and choose to identify as French, as Franco-American, or as American, depending on how you feel about it. But we as trans people can't choose to not be upset at being misgendered. Even if we try to convince ourselves to identify with the gender assigned at birth, that dysphoria will keep erupting. What we call "gender identity" really has little to do with what we call identity in other contexts. It's not a choice, not an outfit of clothing we put on when we feel like it.

QuoteNo one even takes me seriously when I say I'm transgender because I wasn't a tomboy as a little kid and didn't start to question anything until 11. (I'm 17 now) And no one will take me to a therapist so I can be diagnosed by a professional for some reason?

What a load of ------. Many, many trans people only realize they are trans at the onset of puberty. (And some don't realize until later in life.) There's a scientific explanation for this, by the way, or at least the beginnings of one. You're trans because your brain was masculinized during a critical week of development. However, brain tissue is not mature at birth. Different parts of your brain mature at different stages in life--some as late as your late 20s. Your brain undergoes a massive change during puberty. So it's not surprising that many trans people realize they are trans at puberty, while certain parts of their brain are growing and maturing, parts that had gender written into them in utero but haven't come to the forefront until now.

Also, you do not need a pro to tell you you're trans. Here's a secret--I saw a lot of therapists for my mood disorder over the years (a mood disorder that occurred in part because I was trans and my endogenous hormones were making me sick). None of them could tell I was trans because I never told them! I showed up dressing normally for me which was often quite masc. I finally came out to a therapist while I was on psychiatric medication and she was shocked! We'd had a close therapeutic relationship for years. It kind of made sense to her once I explained everything but still-- and she was a very good therapist. (She helped me overcome panic attacks and a lot of negative thinking.)

Being trans is a neurological and not a psychiatric condition. Therapists aren't really good trans detectives. They will take your word for it that you are trans. Someone who is experience with working with trans patients will probably be familiar with how dysphoria manifests and can pretty much tell you, "Yes, your experiences are typical." But that's about it. They don't have any special insight. Your self identification is how they know you are trans.

QuoteI just need to stop hurting and the only way I can see to do that is if I be a girl, like my family wants. But I don't know how to do that? They think I'm just being stubborn and refusing to let go of this "fantasy of being a boy."

I don't know what to do. No one believes what I say or who I am anymore.

I can relate because I wasn't believed either, especially at 17. In your case you can count the days until you are a legal adult and then seek medical treatment as soon as possible. If your parents are likely to pull your medical coverage then find a part time or full time job that includes health insurance so you can get your appointment with an endo. If you live in a major city you may able to seek care at a free clinic for LGBT people. You may want to join an LGBT support group for youth in your area.

You cannot cannot cannot live your life for other people, including your family. They are going to have to let go of and mourn the girl that never was. That can be next year or twenty years from now. The question is, do you want to live 20 years of half of a life to spare their feelings, or rip the bandaid off now while you still have your whole life ahead of you? It's up to you.

I tried to stop being transgender and I started to wear female clothes again for awhile and got dysphoric and dressed like my male self again.

To thine own self..be true.
Don't live your life for someone else..whoever is unhappy with your transition is going to have to get over their selfish vicarious desires to live your life for you. No..you cannot stop being trans no more than a non-trans cis guy can stop being cis. You can't turn it on or off..it just is. I'm speaking from experience.

Quote from: alienbodybuilder on September 20, 2016, 09:55:12 AM
I tried to pray away my gender dysphoria so I could live as a cis woman, but God didn't take it away and sometimes I felt like he was telling me it was part of my path in life.

Thats a really beautiful outlook, I grew up in a religious houselhold so my awareness of the Christian perspective on transgender people is "God made you how you were born"...most people read that you are what you are on a physical level and thats that, but...like you said, those emotions, drives, and needs, arent a thing you made up, they were as you were made. So what else can they be but how "God made you"?

If you're [biologically] born transgender, you can't stop being that. The way to receive happiness is being yourself and you can't make everybody happy either. It's not your fault you're born that way. But you can decide if you wants to play a role and ignore that you're transgender.

The only way to stop being transgender is being born cisgender in the first place. There are a few cases where cisgender people (Yes, cis people. I'm not talking about non-binaries.) have questioning their gender and believed they were transgender for a reason, but later found out they aren't transgender. In a few cases where people do regret transitions and wants to detransition, they were cisgender in the first place. These who regrets aren't always transgender people who isn't happy with the result or feeling a pressure at detransition.