Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I think i'm having a small amount of doubt so i'm curious how others new although don't get me wrong
i think i new without being conscious of everything. Sorta idk.

I was always hyper-aware of my alleged manhood when I was near any man...worse when there was a group of men. In the back of my mind there was always that terrible whispering voice, "What the hell are we doing here? We don't belong here!" I always chalked it up to me just not being "man enough" (the voices of abusers in my history) but no matter how hard I tried to BE manly, I always got sideways glances and the occasional suppressed giggle from guys.

Then there was the porn... I was never "the guy" when I watched those, I always identified with the woman. This was the case from puberty forward.

None of it made sense, and "being trans" was something I didn't even know existed, until I talked to a few gay men to get their opinion on me--Was I gay, and just didn't know? Was I just a wuss, or a perv, or what? One mentioned I might be trans, and it was all so easy to connect the dots.

The big question post-realization was "Could I navigate all the coming-out BS and still keep my family, my job, and...well, that's all I had, since no straight, cis- men had blessed me with a friendship (except one, and he died just a few months later).

Apologies if this was a bit long, but...yeah. Thanks for reading.

:)

Quote from: Beth Andrea on September 14, 2016, 11:38:12 PM
I was always hyper-aware of my alleged manhood when I was near any man...worse when there was a group of men. In the back of my mind there was always that terrible whispering voice, "What the hell are we doing here? We don't belong here!" I always chalked it up to me just not being "man enough" (the voices of abusers in my history) but no matter how hard I tried to BE manly, I always got sideways glances and the occasional suppressed giggle from guys.

Then there was the porn... I was never "the guy" when I watched those, I always identified with the woman. This was the case from puberty forward.

None of it made sense, and "being trans" was something I didn't even know existed, until I talked to a few gay men to get their opinion on me--Was I gay, and just didn't know? Was I just a wuss, or a perv, or what? One mentioned I might be trans, and it was all so easy to connect the dots.

The big question post-realization was "Could I navigate all the coming-out BS and still keep my family, my job, and...well, that's all I had, since no straight, cis- men had blessed me with a friendship (except one, and he died just a few months later).

Apologies if this was a bit long, but...yeah. Thanks for reading.

:)

No, it wasn't to long it was fine and no problem.

Every time I ever did anything manly or male as an adult, I always did so with the thought, "I'm doing what I am supposed to do."  It was not until after a stroke silenced my father for good, and I spent a few years drifting and wondering what the point was of life, that I said, "Wait a minute.  Why did I spent my whole life letting someone else do all the supposing?"  Then came, "Okay, so I spent my whole life doing what my father wanted.  Now who do I really want to be?"  "Who am I, really?"

A lot of memories came flooding back in -- the time way back in 1983 that I had a female online persona on a local BBS.  All the times I created female video game characters.  The three times I seriously researched gender transition.  That collection of Victoria's Secret catalogs.  That and a lot of other little things all added up to one thing -- the realization, after many years of denial, of "OMG I'm a girl."

Quote from: Tristan on September 14, 2016, 11:50:52 PM
No, it wasn't to long it was fine and no problem.

Thanks, you're a dear. <3

There were lots of signs, but I missed them all for decades.  In hindsight, I beat myself up for having missed them.  They should have been obvious.

I have never once in my life, not ever, wished to be masculine.  I grew up in the early days of the "women's lib" movement, and I was appalled at what "male chauvinist pigs" men were.  I was always attracted to being feminine, and I got my mother to teach me to bake, sew and knit.  The baking and sewing were when I was a kid, but I learned to knit as an adult.  (If my mother were alive today, she might be hurt or offended by my transition, but I don't think she would be surprised.)

The elephant in the room was my cross-dressing, which I did for about ten years.  Especially the fact that it didn't feel perv-y.  It felt natural and wholesome, like it was the way I was meant to be.  If this were a movie, this would be the part where you yell at the screen, "What's the matter with you, don't you get it?!!"  It took me another 15 years to get it.

For me, when I realised I was utterly repulsed at doing a traditionally masculine act, and everyone was praising me for it. (I physically caught and accosted a Burgular).

I didn't get why I found it awful, or why in the weeks after I had the worst dissociation from the males around, and I am quite happy to say that I am not one of those. That was the *stop the press* moment - if I wasn't a male as per birth assignment, then what was I.

So I tried a few things out, and did some reflection. Like how all my friends through my history are female. Like how I love cooking, and love caring for my family. I used to be accused of being gay, in the way-backs, but I knew I never did like males.

Working out I was trans-something made much of my previous life make so much sense.

Sno.

The biggest sign of all was that nothing changed from childhood. Those things people thought I would "grow out of" I never did. I never did get over my aversions to my female anatomy, I never did become comfortable with the idea of being female, I never did find myself doing what women did and enjoyed doing as women, and so on. Slowly I realized that I wasn't living a normal life. I was compensating as best I could in personality and in habit, but I was different from all of my friends and relatives. They were busy living life and I was standing still, stuck in the same mindset and inhibited from doing the things they were doing and liking what they were liking.

I waited some time to see and make sure, but now I'm certain these things will never change and they're at the core of what I am. The only thing I can face now is transition.

Another big sign was that I felt good when someone assumed I was male. I never even thought much about the issue until the last 5 years or so, so the feelings when they did come came from a pure place, they weren't generated by bitterness or some opinion. They were pretty much instinctual, and those rare moments of validation felt very good.

Lots of stuff over the years  , finding my girl friends lingerie  attractive , identifying  with the female in porn ,  admiring  the heroine's  in movies etc, admiration  of the time and effort  woman take to do  their makeup,  and for instance in the share house i was in with my friends around me watching tv... if an ad for female clothing came on, I'd  go so still paranoid that someone might  pick up my attraction
Thinking i must be bi when i wasnt attracted to other men but wanting to take the female role in sex , feeling that i was neither gay nor bi nor heterosexual  not knowing where i belonged
A definate attraction to female clothing
An utter admiration  of woman
resisting cross dressing
An encounter with a trans dominatrix and her assistant who dolled  me up beyond my wildest dreams ....
Not fitting in  with  the guys just playing my role ,   prefering the company of woman
Researching  ffs
A fascination with transgender
And finally  these forums where i finally realised  who i actually  am :)

I can mirror some of the things said here by others.

I never really felt like I fit in with other girls, and that only got worse as I got older. I went through a very girly stage when I very young, but around the age of 13-14 I stopped pretending and really realized that I didn't have much in common with them. They all liked to do their hair, and make up, and I definitely wasn't like that. I wasn't a tomboy, but I also wasn't into all of that. The only thing I really liked, and still like, is painting my nails.

Once I became a mother, it became even more obvious. Being around other parents, specifically mothers, there is nothing connecting me with them. They are like foreign creatures for me. So I never fit in with them either, though I had thought I would.

Writing, and connecting, with male characters, playing male characters in most all of my video games. Being the man in porn, or the "top" in guy on guy porn. Finding myself jealous of the male form. Creating on-line male persona's, the dreams of being a man and not being strange, the time I was very serious about transitioning but ended up ignoring it and spent twelve years trying to be a woman again.

Finally, these forums. They helped connect all of those dots for me.

I knew real early but I think my obsession with Cosmo, was the adult telling point all the way back to 1976 When I married my first wife.  She couldn't figure out  why I was so interested in the mag. I was noting all the makeup and fashion tips. Obviously none of the romance tips worked. Oh wait it was talking about satisfying a man.   

I'm certain everyone and their cat noticed my preference for stereotypical feminine roles and tasks; everything from household tasks to having an intense preference for the "healer" role in rpg's of the past, to mmo's of the present.   Any activity that could be felt as feminine; and especially if I could come up with a masculine excuse for it.   eg, I'd claim the healer is like the gruff ole supply sergeant divvying out resources...   (in my mind, the healer's role is like a dance, learned for each encounter, and perfected by repetition, thus I'm probably one of the few that enjoys showing up for farm bosses! lol)

Unfortunately, I couldn't see any of that until 0.0001 seconds after the Anti Androgen first took hold; then it hit me like a ton of bricks.  I think I've recovered from the shock and am making a gentle path forward for myself now.

I see a lot of my own signs in the replies to this thread. I fantasized, as a very young boy, about being a woman. I even played cheerleaders with one of my very first best friends and barbies and house. Of course, these things don't necessarily mean that I was trans, but there was comfort and the feeling of rightness with these things. Puberty was an interesting time for me, as well. As I began maturing into my teenage/young adult body, I noticed that I had prominently high hips for a male and I liked the idea that I could look down and think of myself as somewhat feminine.

On the flip side, I also tried my best to fit in to the male ego: being strong, being the protector, intentionally deepening my voice to sound more manly, getting into typically manly things. But, no matter how much I liked woodworking and working on mechanical parts, I still felt best thinking of myself in the feminine. I, like Carly, created female characters in video games. One in particular was in Fable 3, where I could choose between being a prince or princess. It was awesome identifying with my female characters because I could be anybody I wanted. I also wished I had the body to wear the clothes that I wanted so badly.

Needless to say, I had a deep-seated jealousy of women who were born with their female bodies. It definitely had a role in my dysphoria.

There were many for me, but two that stand out are; similar to the post above, i felt like my childhood and it's gender issues were continuing into my adulthood. Underdressing and stealthy crossdressing could only alleviate some of it.

Second, i also never really liked to be with men socially. I'd think "doesn't everyone immediately see through all of this bravado, posturing etc, it is so fake. " Well it was fake for me i later realized, not them. My closest friends were women or men that were non typical males.

Living online as a woman for 4 years, only going outside 5 times a year.
Spending years on a single painting of a woman.
Spending months painting a female model. To the point where I dropped out of university. Just took over my mind.
Writing and drawing a fantasy trilogy starring 3 female characters.
Only playing as women with video games.
Judging my face and body by stereotypical female beauty standards instead of male. Wanting to be thin while others wanted to get big.
High view rate of trans v logs and forum.
More recently, started crossdressing.
 

Constant fantasies about being a woman.
Dreaming of being a woman, and waking up happier than I'd been in years.
Months of wishing I were a woman every time I saw my first star of the night.
So I guess not all that much, really.
:D

The main thing for me is I kept expecting guys to mature to my level.  But now I see peers who are clearly capable of adult responsibility, they still leer at women(or sometimes men), making lewd comments more often than not, even the nice/polite ones still think it quietly.  They still are mostly incapable of discussing their feelings outright.  And it's just been so long that I've realized...I'm just different than them.  It dawned on me what it was when I found myself staring at women, feeling like I had been a hypocrite for judging other guys.  Until I noticed that I wasn't thinking or feeling anything sexual.  Not even anything pleasant; it makes me real sad.  So I realized right there that I am demisexual...also, a lady.

Quote from: Beth Andrea on September 14, 2016, 11:38:12 PM
I was always hyper-aware of my alleged manhood when I was near any man...worse when there was a group of men. In the back of my mind there was always that terrible whispering voice, "What the hell are we doing here? We don't belong here!" I always chalked it up to me just not being "man enough" (the voices of abusers in my history) but no matter how hard I tried to BE manly, I always got sideways glances and the occasional suppressed giggle from guys.

Then there was the porn... I was never "the guy" when I watched those, I always identified with the woman. This was the case from puberty forward.

OMG, that is so me. I also always bristle at being called a "man." It just feels wrong and always has.

Adult? Long before that.


Scanned, inspected and approved by the NSA

Depression first.
Building muscle second.
But I knew long before.

1. Big dysphoria with my male body appearance (it just didn't feel right anymore; I imagined and hoped that I could get a more female body so much) – it came with ~ 25 years (although there were earlier "signs" if you want to see these things as such, but I guess that would be overexplaining)
2. Depression/dysphoria about my assigned gender role as "man" – occured a bit earlier than the body dysphoria; I just wanted to do things women are "allowed" to do, regarding clothing, make up etc., and not only for special events like when cross-dressing, but whenever I wanted, in everyday life :)

... Now it feels so good to be free, finally :D Even if little people understand it.

Quote from: Beth Andrea on September 14, 2016, 11:38:12 PM
I was always hyper-aware of my alleged manhood when I was near any man...worse when there was a group of men. In the back of my mind there was always that terrible whispering voice, "What the hell are we doing here? We don't belong here!" I always chalked it up to me just not being "man enough" (the voices of abusers in my history) but no matter how hard I tried to BE manly, I always got sideways glances and the occasional suppressed giggle from guys.

At least in the past several years, I've found I really just don't fit in well with guys, particularly groups of them, although 2 of my 3 best friends are guys.  Unfortunately, I'm in the process of accepting a job offer in a workplace with about 8 male employees and 0 female ones. :/ I'm not looking forward to that part of it, but the job itself and the location (at the foot of the Rocky Mountains; the stargazing is supposed to be fantastic there!) excite me, so I'm willing to put up with that in exchange for the financial independence and the ability to move into my own place and experiment (clothing and other gender expression stuff) to see what feels right to me.  Thankfully, the people are intellectually-minded, like me, rather than the hypermasculine sort, so it'll not be too bad.

Here are a few other reasons, in no particular order:

• I've almost always felt like I didn't really belong, no matter where I was or whom I was with (although at my science and engineering dorm at college, this was greatly reduced).  However, I don't think this is entirely attributable to gender identity issues
• Also, at this fantastic dorm, there were "slumber party" events where the many of the residents (guys and girls) painted their nails and put on those weird peel-off facemask cremes creams.  I got my nails painted, and I liked it more than I thought a normal guy would enjoy it.  It just made me smile every time I looked down and saw it.
• My dad has asked me several times as I was growing up if I was gay.  I knew I was attracted to girls, so I said I wasn't, and thought that that was the end of it, not knowing about the gender half of the equation
• I've found that, when playing video games with female main characters, I "felt" like I had a better "connection" with them and the story.  And after I started questioning my gender, in games where you can choose your character, I've found that I slightly prefer playing as a female character, although this could be attributed to a sort of placebo effect or something of the like

So many. The only reason I didn't figure it out earlier is because the only things I ever found were transphobic TV crossdresser characters and bad MtF genderflip fiction with a lot of cross dressing themes.
Being depressed, and my only release was playing video games.. completely unproductively, often doing nothing meaningful in the game.. with female characters.
Spending a lot of time (fruitlessly) searching online for genderflip fiction with female characters put into a male body, since that seemed like something I NEEDED to read. For I don't know why.
Ended up sexting with a gay guy somehow and ended up basically fleeing because I went straight to she pronouns and couldn't get myself to switch back, and of course he wasn't into that.
Tried writing fiction with a mix of male and female characters. The male characters I couldn't figure out though, they seemed hollow.
Getting in trouble in English classes oh so many times because I kept using "They" for everyone. Because when I was young, I got it in my head that using "He" and "She" was obviously insulting to people, so I couldn't imagine inflicting that rudeness on people.
Did roleplaying online, using a male character. In the early 90's. Someone accused me of being a girl playing a boy character badly. Soon after, I gave up playing male characters mostly. I had a few but they felt much more like caricatures.
I went for dancing lessons. The instructor demanded I ease off on the waist movements and dance like a guy. I basically stormed off and couldn't go back.
Decided to study martial arts, because well.. guys are terrifying! Being around them is a bit like walking into a pop test in a subject I didn't have any study materials for, proctored by thugs with baseball bats ready to beat anyone who fails. Was horribly repulsed by all of the arts based around physical strength and direct force, I could only make myself study very 'feminine' ones. Spent a huge amount of time and effort working how to do every technique with as little physical strength as possible because it felt so very wrong to be able to do things with strength and mass and I was sure it would go away. Eventually, more or less stopped practicing because I got a look at some of my muscle development and freaked out, then had an anxiety attack at the idea of building up my shoulders, with "not enough shoulder strength" being the number one thing holding me back in advancement.
Feeling like a fake, all the time. Feeling constantly like a pilot of a huge meat mecha like a huge animatronic Godzilla incapable of showing emotion. Being constantly upset because things would make me cry, but my body... wouldn't. I would have to spend a huge amount of energy trying to force tears, and I could never get enough out to be cathartic.
Realizing that when I would fantasize to myself, that my vantage point wasn't from the side looking at the girl, it was from the other side.
Taking dream logs down for a counselor and having a casual note for no particular reason that had any effect on the dream "I am a girl" on more than half of them. The counselors would comment on it a lot but refuse to say why they found it interesting.
Sports talks? Terrifying.
Last straw right before the dam exploded? Trying to fill out a form at the IRS office, reaching to check the "M" box and freezing up for a full five minutes at the wrongness of it, unable to mark the box. It happened again at school the following week. I ended up filling in "Other" and not knowing what to put in the blank.

And I am glad that dam exploded, because I was really worried about my partner being reduced to rage and crying whenever he would go clothes shopping in the women's section, or get a haircut that was yet again just not short enough, or his rages about his chest.

What culture said I should be.
what my emotions said I should be.
Following the cultural path, then regretting it, depression, and finally acceptance.

I fought the good fight.

Plenty of signs
Plenty of pushing down the corks
Plenty of trying to do something about it
Plenty of good reasons why it is a loss cause to

I ascribe to the principle of "If you think you are trans, you are". Pretty simple. The hard part is sorting out where you reside in the spectrum between cis-female and cis-male. That can also be moving target over time as what you need to do today to manage the GD may change over time as you either get scared and go into back into fighting it or denial, or with some small measure of self acceptance leads to addressing the GD more aggressively.

Doubts are common. Questioning is good.

When I was little and I played house with my cousins and I wondered why I always had to be the daddy.  As I was undergoing puberty I remember feeling disgusted by all the changes my body was undergoing with one exception.  At one point my nipples started to become very sensitive and puffy (there was even a hard knot like object under it).  I never told anyone but I was ecstatic but sadly they eventually they for the most part returned to normal.

In junior high I always played a female character when i played RPGs and when confronted by the other players I would lie and say that I liked the role play challenge.   Video games are no different (Mass Effect  fem Shep)