Community Conversation => Transgender talk => Topic started by: Tristan on September 21, 2016, 12:51:01 PM Return to Full Version
Title: If you could tell your past self something what would it be?
Post by: Tristan on September 21, 2016, 12:51:01 PM
Post by: Tristan on September 21, 2016, 12:51:01 PM
I was thinking about that with me today after looking something up from my past when i was 13
and looking back it made me want to tell myself something and i kind of got curious as to if others did the same what would they want to say?
I'd probably want to beat myself over the head first and say smarten up!
And then explain that i'll meet great people but not every person is trustworthy.
And to do what i feel in my heart, following is great but learning to follow your own feelings is greater.
I wasn't a very bright kid i wish i would have realized it back then.
and looking back it made me want to tell myself something and i kind of got curious as to if others did the same what would they want to say?
I'd probably want to beat myself over the head first and say smarten up!
And then explain that i'll meet great people but not every person is trustworthy.
And to do what i feel in my heart, following is great but learning to follow your own feelings is greater.
I wasn't a very bright kid i wish i would have realized it back then.
Title: Re: If you could tell your past self something what would it be?
Post by: Elis on September 21, 2016, 01:04:27 PM
Post by: Elis on September 21, 2016, 01:04:27 PM
Mainly these things
- nobody knows what they're doing with their lives; there aren't any set milestones you have to reach or a particular age to reach them in
-that I'm not crazy and it's called social anxiety. The school should have picked up on it and it's their fault not yours.
-that I'm not dumb and there are several types of intelligence not just the one the school believes in.
-that LGBT people exist as well as asexuals and you're not a freak.
- nobody knows what they're doing with their lives; there aren't any set milestones you have to reach or a particular age to reach them in
-that I'm not crazy and it's called social anxiety. The school should have picked up on it and it's their fault not yours.
-that I'm not dumb and there are several types of intelligence not just the one the school believes in.
-that LGBT people exist as well as asexuals and you're not a freak.
Title: Re: If you could tell your past self something what would it be?
Post by: Devlyn on September 21, 2016, 01:10:39 PM
Post by: Devlyn on September 21, 2016, 01:10:39 PM
"Careful! That's really sharp." :laugh:
Title: Re: If you could tell your past self something what would it be?
Post by: Tristan on September 21, 2016, 01:17:12 PM
Post by: Tristan on September 21, 2016, 01:17:12 PM
Quote from: Devlyn Marie on September 21, 2016, 01:10:39 PM
"Careful! That's really sharp." :laugh:
I'm bad with jokes i'm not sure i understand ^.^
Title: Re: If you could tell your past self something what would it be?
Post by: Miharu Barbie on September 21, 2016, 01:33:21 PM
Post by: Miharu Barbie on September 21, 2016, 01:33:21 PM
Young Miharu, read Napoleon Hill's book "Think and Grow Rich". And then read it again. And then read it again. And never stop reading it for so long as you live.
Above all else, always remember, every adversity contains the seed of an equivalent benefit. Never stop searching for the potential benefit to you in every adversity that you will encounter in life. The bigger the adversity, the greater the potential benefit hidden in it. Never stop searching for the benefits hidden in every adversity and your life will absolutely unfold like the most beautiful blossom ever seen in Heaven or Earth.
And Miharu, I LOVE YOU!!!
Above all else, always remember, every adversity contains the seed of an equivalent benefit. Never stop searching for the potential benefit to you in every adversity that you will encounter in life. The bigger the adversity, the greater the potential benefit hidden in it. Never stop searching for the benefits hidden in every adversity and your life will absolutely unfold like the most beautiful blossom ever seen in Heaven or Earth.
And Miharu, I LOVE YOU!!!
Title: Re: If you could tell your past self something what would it be?
Post by: KathyLauren on September 21, 2016, 01:37:01 PM
Post by: KathyLauren on September 21, 2016, 01:37:01 PM
I'd tell my younger self that this (being trans) is real, it's not going to go away, and to transition sooner rather than later.
Title: Re: If you could tell your past self something what would it be?
Post by: Devlyn on September 21, 2016, 01:41:03 PM
Post by: Devlyn on September 21, 2016, 01:41:03 PM
Quote from: Tristan on September 21, 2016, 01:17:12 PMQuote from: Devlyn Marie on September 21, 2016, 01:10:39 PM
"Careful! That's really sharp." :laugh:
I'm bad with jokes i'm not sure i understand ^.^
It's half joke/half answer to your question. I cut the dickens out of myself on glass when I was young. Twelve stitches across the palm of my hand.
Hugs, Devlyn
Title: Re: If you could tell your past self something what would it be?
Post by: autumn08 on September 21, 2016, 04:01:31 PM
Post by: autumn08 on September 21, 2016, 04:01:31 PM
In regards to advice about how to live, listen to your emotions, stop striving to accomplish an impossible amount of work everyday, stop taking responsibility for everything negative that happens, and learn to do things just because they make you happy.
Also, elementary school me, stop 9/11 from happening, which will kill almost 3,000 people, and start a chain reaction that by 2016 will empower white nationalism, lead to a feeble response to around 400,000 people being killed in Syria, and place the world order on precarious ground. Granted, the chain reaction will also cause the removal of some the world's worst dictators and terrorists, so I'll need to get back to you about what to do next.
Also, short real estate in 2006 and long Apple asap.
Also, elementary school me, stop 9/11 from happening, which will kill almost 3,000 people, and start a chain reaction that by 2016 will empower white nationalism, lead to a feeble response to around 400,000 people being killed in Syria, and place the world order on precarious ground. Granted, the chain reaction will also cause the removal of some the world's worst dictators and terrorists, so I'll need to get back to you about what to do next.
Also, short real estate in 2006 and long Apple asap.
Title: Re: If you could tell your past self something what would it be?
Post by: Lady Sarah on September 21, 2016, 04:22:31 PM
Post by: Lady Sarah on September 21, 2016, 04:22:31 PM
I doubt the younger me would listen to the older me. I thought I knew it all, and had problems with anyone telling me any advice.
Title: Re: If you could tell your past self something what would it be?
Post by: Rhonda Lynn on September 21, 2016, 05:33:02 PM
Post by: Rhonda Lynn on September 21, 2016, 05:33:02 PM
Quote from: KathyLauren on September 21, 2016, 01:37:01 PM
I'd tell my younger self that this (being trans) is real, it's not going to go away, and to transition sooner rather than later.
Can I just send KathyLauren to talk to my younger self? I'm worried about time / space paradoxes and she's got it down pat!! :) Oh, and Kathy, please tell my younger self to buy Microsoft when it goes public. ;)
Title: Re: If you could tell your past self something what would it be?
Post by: FTMax on September 21, 2016, 05:40:00 PM
Post by: FTMax on September 21, 2016, 05:40:00 PM
- Don't date that person.
- Just cut your hair already if you hate it so much.
- Don't buy half the things you own. You'll either throw them out when you get bored, or they'll take up space until you have to move and THEN they'll get thrown out.
- You don't have to sleep with people if you don't like it. It's okay to think sex is stupid.
- Save yourself thousands of dollars and go to community college first and then transfer out, otherwise you will be in debt until you're 50.
- Also, don't major in that.
- Take better care of yourself.
- Just cut your hair already if you hate it so much.
- Don't buy half the things you own. You'll either throw them out when you get bored, or they'll take up space until you have to move and THEN they'll get thrown out.
- You don't have to sleep with people if you don't like it. It's okay to think sex is stupid.
- Save yourself thousands of dollars and go to community college first and then transfer out, otherwise you will be in debt until you're 50.
- Also, don't major in that.
- Take better care of yourself.
Title: Re: If you could tell your past self something what would it be?
Post by: Brianna Deanna on September 21, 2016, 07:23:23 PM
Post by: Brianna Deanna on September 21, 2016, 07:23:23 PM
Well let's see I would probably tell myself to tell my mom I like wearing girls clothes, not to jump off the picnic tables and grab the tree branch so I don't break my arm, to look where I'm riding my bike so I don't hit a parked car and splat on the hood, not to get caught cheating in school and get paddled, get more girls clothes, kick my two oldest brothers in the nuts and don't sleep with my brothers wife...
Title: Re: If you could tell your past self something what would it be?
Post by: becky.rw on September 21, 2016, 07:33:44 PM
Post by: becky.rw on September 21, 2016, 07:33:44 PM
I'd tell my eight year old self...
"pst, pst... you know that garbage in your head and that hideous sense of broken that you tell no one about? Its *not* normal; no one else has to put up with that. Get help. The shrinks might be morons, but they aren't evil characters from our favorite movies. You and they will figure it out together eventually, if you give them a chance; otherwise, it will get much, much worse."
"pst, pst... you know that garbage in your head and that hideous sense of broken that you tell no one about? Its *not* normal; no one else has to put up with that. Get help. The shrinks might be morons, but they aren't evil characters from our favorite movies. You and they will figure it out together eventually, if you give them a chance; otherwise, it will get much, much worse."
Title: Re: If you could tell your past self something what would it be?
Post by: Sinclair on September 21, 2016, 07:59:06 PM
Post by: Sinclair on September 21, 2016, 07:59:06 PM
Quote from: Rhonda Lynn on September 21, 2016, 05:33:02 PM
Can I just send KathyLauren to talk to my younger self? I'm worried about time / space paradoxes and she's got it down pat!! :) Oh, and Kathy, please tell my younger self to buy Microsoft when it goes public. ;)
lol .. being a Sci-Fi geek gurrl I love the whole space/time paradox thingy. :) If I sent myself back in time to talk to my 12 year old self, I'm expecting Spock to show up and tell me "Yes, it's logical for you to wear a dress and be a girl." And, buy Apple stock in 1997 when it's $15 a share!
Title: Re: If you could tell your past self something what would it be?
Post by: Xirafel on September 21, 2016, 08:17:33 PM
Post by: Xirafel on September 21, 2016, 08:17:33 PM
"You love forums, right? There's this forum where there's loads of people like you running around. It might have some useful information... Here's the URL: blahblahblah"
I've used forums for nearly a decade. My brain used to suck up all of the information it came in contact with.
I've used forums for nearly a decade. My brain used to suck up all of the information it came in contact with.
Title: Re: If you could tell your past self something what would it be?
Post by: Drexy/Drex on September 21, 2016, 11:48:08 PM
Post by: Drexy/Drex on September 21, 2016, 11:48:08 PM
Yes there would stockmarket info and go and see that psychiatrist the doc recommened in 1987
Stay away from that and those people
Get out of that backwater town
Accept you're girlfriends request for you wear her lingerie....you might just like it ( you know you want to .....mark..)
Stop screwing up my future life ..you little
#@$&*× !!
Stay away from that and those people
Get out of that backwater town
Accept you're girlfriends request for you wear her lingerie....you might just like it ( you know you want to .....mark..)
Stop screwing up my future life ..you little
#@$&*× !!
Title: Re: If you could tell your past self something what would it be?
Post by: Raye on September 21, 2016, 11:56:29 PM
Post by: Raye on September 21, 2016, 11:56:29 PM
NOIPE probably nothing LOL I'd let my foolish self make the same mistakes over and over again! :3 Nah I'll think of something better to say at a later time... I gotta take a two hour nap before work..
Nahhh I guess I'll just do it now...
-Don't give up Freestyle Swimming AND Track + Field.
-Don't play Football.
-STAY away from bullies don't get yourself involved with those likes.
-STOP attempting suicide and getting locked up.
-DON'T re-enlist the cake is a lie - They Didn't let you see your wife on her death bed.
-SPEND more time with your wife she didn't have much time with you.
-TALK to your mother about your 'personal bodily' issues.
-And if for some reason try to get along with your brothers - although, ignorant in their ways they will still be with you for the rest of your life.
-DON'T drop out of your 6 year degree. x.x
Meh... That should sum it all up LOL....
Nahhh I guess I'll just do it now...
-Don't give up Freestyle Swimming AND Track + Field.
-Don't play Football.
-STAY away from bullies don't get yourself involved with those likes.
-STOP attempting suicide and getting locked up.
-DON'T re-enlist the cake is a lie - They Didn't let you see your wife on her death bed.
-SPEND more time with your wife she didn't have much time with you.
-TALK to your mother about your 'personal bodily' issues.
-And if for some reason try to get along with your brothers - although, ignorant in their ways they will still be with you for the rest of your life.
-DON'T drop out of your 6 year degree. x.x
Meh... That should sum it all up LOL....
Title: Re: If you could tell your past self something what would it be?
Post by: WorkingOnThomas on September 22, 2016, 06:42:18 AM
Post by: WorkingOnThomas on September 22, 2016, 06:42:18 AM
- Your family is not normal.
- You aren't a freak.
- It wasn't your fault.
- Being trans isn't going to stop as a result of wishful thinking, prayer, or quackery.
- Transition sooner, not later.
- You aren't a freak.
- It wasn't your fault.
- Being trans isn't going to stop as a result of wishful thinking, prayer, or quackery.
- Transition sooner, not later.
Title: Re: If you could tell your past self something what would it be?
Post by: Amanda_Combs on September 22, 2016, 08:28:30 AM
Post by: Amanda_Combs on September 22, 2016, 08:28:30 AM
(11 year old me playing N64)
(Loud crashes and some lady runs in, wide-eyed)
"Marty! I'm from the future! You've got to get your parents back together; and also in 2 years, 2 androids will appear, you've got to take them out! Naw! J/k But, seriously, though...
Avoid a girl. She's dangerous.
Look for another girl; she's important!
Take tonnes of pictures with your grandmother!
I'm SO sorry about your life right now.
Oh! And Amanda, you would look great with big boobs.
Peace out!"
- It would likely be the strangest thing I ever experienced in my young life.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
(Loud crashes and some lady runs in, wide-eyed)
"Marty! I'm from the future! You've got to get your parents back together; and also in 2 years, 2 androids will appear, you've got to take them out! Naw! J/k But, seriously, though...
Avoid a girl. She's dangerous.
Look for another girl; she's important!
Take tonnes of pictures with your grandmother!
I'm SO sorry about your life right now.
Oh! And Amanda, you would look great with big boobs.
Peace out!"
- It would likely be the strangest thing I ever experienced in my young life.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Title: Re: If you could tell your past self something what would it be?
Post by: Denise on September 22, 2016, 08:42:19 AM
Post by: Denise on September 22, 2016, 08:42:19 AM
Three months back: Lower Dosage - the higher one will start transition too fast
Two months ago: Reduce Dosage - DON'T STOP.
One month ago: 1/4 dosage is not enough
(This sound pretty insignificant but to me it's not! I never want to feel like I did last weekend again!)
Going back 50 years and saying anything wouldn't have helped. People weren't ready.
Besides, If I transitioned pre-puberty, I wouldn't have had two best kids on the planet (If I say so myself :D )
Oh yeah - one more thing - Woman's jeans are SUPER comfortable!
Two months ago: Reduce Dosage - DON'T STOP.
One month ago: 1/4 dosage is not enough
(This sound pretty insignificant but to me it's not! I never want to feel like I did last weekend again!)
Going back 50 years and saying anything wouldn't have helped. People weren't ready.
Besides, If I transitioned pre-puberty, I wouldn't have had two best kids on the planet (If I say so myself :D )
Oh yeah - one more thing - Woman's jeans are SUPER comfortable!
Title: Re: If you could tell your past self something what would it be?
Post by: Violets on September 22, 2016, 08:53:01 AM
Post by: Violets on September 22, 2016, 08:53:01 AM
- Do not marry that person.
- Do not study in that field. Instead, do something in the medical field, as this will provide you with greater job security.
- The dysphoria will NEVER go away! No matter how strong-willed you are, fighting/denying it will only lead to decades of misery and self-hate.
- Do not stop taking the HRT and go back to fighting and denying yourself again.
- In your effort to appear normal, DO NOT get the double mastectomy! It will torture you every day for the rest of your life. See a therapist instead!
- Do not study in that field. Instead, do something in the medical field, as this will provide you with greater job security.
- The dysphoria will NEVER go away! No matter how strong-willed you are, fighting/denying it will only lead to decades of misery and self-hate.
- Do not stop taking the HRT and go back to fighting and denying yourself again.
- In your effort to appear normal, DO NOT get the double mastectomy! It will torture you every day for the rest of your life. See a therapist instead!
Title: Re: If you could tell your past self something what would it be?
Post by: Dena on September 22, 2016, 11:50:10 AM
Post by: Dena on September 22, 2016, 11:50:10 AM
As a moderator, I review most every active thread on the site and this one has had me puzzled for days. I really couldn't think of anything I had done wrong that needed to be corrected however this morning I see what I would need to tell myself.
I would need to educate my self on transsexualism with updated knowledge so I would be better prepared to face the future. So many things would have gone faster had I better understood it at the time. '
I would give the high points of my life so the new me would know the path that I took
I would have suggested coming out sooner and experimenting with cross living as much as possible. That I am the end goal and it will be possible to obtain that goal.
I would have provided myself with the name and contact information of my last therapist, the one that really made the transition possible.
Last, I would have provided the name of my roommate with some warnings about what life would be like. The changes I am making would cause use to miss each other but the years we spent to gather were important enough that the new me shouldn't miss them.
I would need to educate my self on transsexualism with updated knowledge so I would be better prepared to face the future. So many things would have gone faster had I better understood it at the time. '
I would give the high points of my life so the new me would know the path that I took
I would have suggested coming out sooner and experimenting with cross living as much as possible. That I am the end goal and it will be possible to obtain that goal.
I would have provided myself with the name and contact information of my last therapist, the one that really made the transition possible.
Last, I would have provided the name of my roommate with some warnings about what life would be like. The changes I am making would cause use to miss each other but the years we spent to gather were important enough that the new me shouldn't miss them.
Title: Re: If you could tell your past self something what would it be?
Post by: Sinclair on September 22, 2016, 09:54:58 PM
Post by: Sinclair on September 22, 2016, 09:54:58 PM
Quote from: Dena on September 22, 2016, 11:50:10 AM
As a moderator, I review most every active thread on the site and this one has had me puzzled for days. I really couldn't think of anything I had done wrong that needed to be corrected however this morning I see what I would need to tell myself.
I would need to educate my self on transsexualism with updated knowledge so I would be better prepared to face the future. So many things would have gone faster had I better understood it at the time. '
I would give the high points of my life so the new me would know the path that I took
I would have suggested coming out sooner and experimenting with cross living as much as possible. That I am the end goal and it will be possible to obtain that goal.
I would have provided myself with the name and contact information of my last therapist, the one that really made the transition possible.
Last, I would have provided the name of my roommate with some warnings about what life would be like. The changes I am making would cause use to miss each other but the years we spent to gather were important enough that the new me shouldn't miss them.
Dena is an inspiration for me. I can't imagine being trans in the 1980s. My goodness, the courage it must have taken to do that. It's so much easier now. I really believe that. You're like one of the founding sisters of the LGBTQ community. Thank you for your courage, it's people like you that makes it possible for people like me. :)
Title: Re: If you could tell your past self something what would it be?
Post by: Dena on September 22, 2016, 10:46:08 PM
Post by: Dena on September 22, 2016, 10:46:08 PM
Quote from: Sinclair on September 22, 2016, 09:54:58 PMYour welcome. The reason I am on this site is because of the battle I had to fight. I want others to avoid as much of what I went though as possible. Of the the people on the site, I have the most hope for are the teens because if I can get them into treatment early, they will never have to face much of the difficulty that we face.
Dena is an inspiration for me. I can't imagine being trans in the 1980s. My goodness, the courage it must have taken to do that. It's so much easier now. I really believe that. You're like one of the founding sisters of the LGBTQ community. Thank you for your courage, it's people like you that makes it possible for people like me. :)
Actually you may not realize it but I could have been more of a founding sister than you think. We had two senior members in the group and they were involved in writing the stands of care that became WPAT. I see many of the ideas from our group being discussed by other therapist. Possibly some of our discussions are being shared by everybody today. These thoughts are pretty much the same ones that are contained in my posts so you have somewhat of an idea what one of my group meetings was like.
Title: Re: If you could tell your past self something what would it be?
Post by: RobynD on September 22, 2016, 11:36:53 PM
Post by: RobynD on September 22, 2016, 11:36:53 PM
Buy Apple as much as i could afford ;D
Other than that i would have told myself to spend more energy on connecting with people.
Other than that i would have told myself to spend more energy on connecting with people.
Title: Re: If you could tell your past self something what would it be?
Post by: Drexy/Drex on September 23, 2016, 12:21:08 AM
Post by: Drexy/Drex on September 23, 2016, 12:21:08 AM
Quote from: Sinclair on September 22, 2016, 09:54:58 PM
Dena is an inspiration for me. I can't imagine being trans in the 1980s. My goodness, the courage it must have taken to do that. It's so much easier now. I really believe that. You're like one of the founding sisters of the LGBTQ community. Thank you for your courage, it's people like you that makes it possible for people like me. :)
Agreed well spoken I feel.the same way
Title: Re: If you could tell your past self something what would it be?
Post by: FTMDiaries on September 23, 2016, 06:26:33 AM
Post by: FTMDiaries on September 23, 2016, 06:26:33 AM
Hey kiddo :icon_wave:
Everything feels like absolute hell right now, but everything will eventually turn out OK. No hell, no matter how horrific, is permanent. Teenagehood passes, and eventually you'll be the master of your own destiny.
I know you feel incredibly confused: you hate the feminine shape of your body but don't really understand why; you find guys enormously attractive but you can't stand the way they focus on your curves; your so-called family is neglecting and abusing you. You think you're the only person in the entire world who's suffering in this way and you've learned to not talk about your problems. All of this is making it very difficult for you to study at school. But you know what? You're an incredibly smart kid, and you're going to (somehow!) graduate with A-grades and honours anyway. Because you're just that awesome. ;D
When you get to 19 you're going to discover the reason why you feel so horrible about your body, but your research will tell you that surgical options are not good enough at the moment. That's fine; you don't need to rush into 'the surgery'. You'll think you're out of options and so you'll shove yourself back in the closet. That's a sensible idea in the short term, because you're right that transition is too big a burden when your mother is going through breast cancer. But sadly, she'll pop her clogs just a few years later and you'll be left with a young brother to care for. So put it on hold until then: move back to the UK as you planned, go to the doctor and get started on testosterone whilst you're still young & gorgeous and before your body gets wrecked by childbearing. Don't worry: your transition will be very successful and you can wait a couple of years for bottom surgery, by which time the techniques will have improved significantly. And you can still have kids in the meantime.
On that subject: whatever you do, don't marry that guy you fall in love with. He's adorable and wonderful when you first meet him, but that's only because he's putting on a front in an attempt to snag you. If you marry him he'll show his true colours whilst you're in a very vulnerable position and you'll spend the next 20 years in a difficult and often lonely marriage. He'll never get anywhere and he'll just drag you down. Plus he's a massive homophobe at heart, which will make your transition all the more difficult. Don't settle for that loser; you're worth a heck of a lot more.
The fact that you like guys doesn't mean that you're 'really a girl'. And you know how you feel when watching that gay character on Hooperman? That weird mixture of despair, regret and deep longing? Put 2 + 2 together, smartypants: it adds up to 'you're gay'. It'll take time - and transition - for you to be able to fully embrace that fact, but when you do, oh my goodness! how your life will improve. Discarding the illusion of femaleness and living as your true self will be the greatest gift you ever give yourself. Enjoy it for as long as humanly possible.
Remember: no matter how dark & lonely things may seem, I still love you. I'm enormously proud of my brave little soldier who managed to survive things nobody should ever have to experience. You made it possible for me to exist today, and I think of you fondly and with great compassion & gratitude.
And above all, thanks for being rubbish at committing suicide. Sticking around is definitely the best way to get back at people who try to drag you down.
Everything feels like absolute hell right now, but everything will eventually turn out OK. No hell, no matter how horrific, is permanent. Teenagehood passes, and eventually you'll be the master of your own destiny.
I know you feel incredibly confused: you hate the feminine shape of your body but don't really understand why; you find guys enormously attractive but you can't stand the way they focus on your curves; your so-called family is neglecting and abusing you. You think you're the only person in the entire world who's suffering in this way and you've learned to not talk about your problems. All of this is making it very difficult for you to study at school. But you know what? You're an incredibly smart kid, and you're going to (somehow!) graduate with A-grades and honours anyway. Because you're just that awesome. ;D
When you get to 19 you're going to discover the reason why you feel so horrible about your body, but your research will tell you that surgical options are not good enough at the moment. That's fine; you don't need to rush into 'the surgery'. You'll think you're out of options and so you'll shove yourself back in the closet. That's a sensible idea in the short term, because you're right that transition is too big a burden when your mother is going through breast cancer. But sadly, she'll pop her clogs just a few years later and you'll be left with a young brother to care for. So put it on hold until then: move back to the UK as you planned, go to the doctor and get started on testosterone whilst you're still young & gorgeous and before your body gets wrecked by childbearing. Don't worry: your transition will be very successful and you can wait a couple of years for bottom surgery, by which time the techniques will have improved significantly. And you can still have kids in the meantime.
On that subject: whatever you do, don't marry that guy you fall in love with. He's adorable and wonderful when you first meet him, but that's only because he's putting on a front in an attempt to snag you. If you marry him he'll show his true colours whilst you're in a very vulnerable position and you'll spend the next 20 years in a difficult and often lonely marriage. He'll never get anywhere and he'll just drag you down. Plus he's a massive homophobe at heart, which will make your transition all the more difficult. Don't settle for that loser; you're worth a heck of a lot more.
The fact that you like guys doesn't mean that you're 'really a girl'. And you know how you feel when watching that gay character on Hooperman? That weird mixture of despair, regret and deep longing? Put 2 + 2 together, smartypants: it adds up to 'you're gay'. It'll take time - and transition - for you to be able to fully embrace that fact, but when you do, oh my goodness! how your life will improve. Discarding the illusion of femaleness and living as your true self will be the greatest gift you ever give yourself. Enjoy it for as long as humanly possible.
Remember: no matter how dark & lonely things may seem, I still love you. I'm enormously proud of my brave little soldier who managed to survive things nobody should ever have to experience. You made it possible for me to exist today, and I think of you fondly and with great compassion & gratitude.
And above all, thanks for being rubbish at committing suicide. Sticking around is definitely the best way to get back at people who try to drag you down.