Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Yesterday, I got the crazy idea that I needed to tell my husband. I just couldn't do it anymore. After the horrible depression and panic attacks on Monday, I made up my mind to tell him. Originally I was going to tell him on the weekend, but then I realized yesterday was better. It was better, because I had to leave the house around 6 to take my kids to get their soccer uniforms. I figured that he would read the e-mail I sent him, while I was gone. Instead, he didn't read it while I was gone, and I quickly realized that.

He had had a horrible day at school, failed his first test and was very stressed out. Of course, by the time I knew this, I had already sent the e-mail. I wanted to log into his e-mail and delete it, but I didn't get that chance. I got home, put my kids to bed, had a small dinner and went to take a shower. During my shower, he read the e-mail.

He stomped into the bathroom. "What possessed you to send that e-mail to me right now of all times? Also, I'm leaving you." And then he stomped out. I quickly rinsed my shampoo out of my hair and hopped out of the shower to go and talk to him. We spent two hours "talking". It was mostly him talking. Him raging. Him throwing himself a pity party. Him blaming me for everything. It wasn't just the trans stuff, it was everything. He brought up every mistake I had made in our marriage, he blamed me for him being upset and unhappy. He told me he wasn't attracted to me anymore, hadn't been for the last five years. Told me he hated my personality, and didn't want to be in my life. Went on about how he can survive on his own, blah blah blah.

I was crushed. I expected him to not want to be with me, but I thought we could still be friends. I thought that he would be mature enough (30 years old) to think of our kids. Instead, he doesn't want me in his life at all. He want's to move out on his own, and I guess just leave me and our kids to our own devices. It was so much less to do with me being trans, and more to do with everything else. It felt like I just gave him an excuse to unload all of his unhappiness with our marriage. Me being trans just gave him an out.

We didn't get anywhere with the talking. He doesn't know what he is going to do. I at one point, stupidly told him that I would take it all back and try and do better in our marriage. I don't want to. I knew that I would be unhappy, but I was thinking of my kids. The only person thinking of them during all of this mind you. I don't want to ruin their lives and their happiness. He told me that I couldn't take it back, because it would just come up again, or something else would. That no matter what decision he makes here, it isn't the right one.

So right now, I have no idea where we are going or what is happening. I talked to my mother and sister this morning and told them what happened. My mother is disabled, so my sister lives with her to help take care of her. They have a tiny two bedroom apartment, but they offered me, my kids, and my dog a place to come to. They want me to get out. They believe he is being emotionally abusive and controlling. They are willing to help me in any way, help me get on my feet, help me with my kids, help me keep my dog, everything. Even if I continue with my want's to transition. My mother hopes that getting away from my husband will make me not feel the need to transition anymore, but I don't think that is going to happen. Just her wishful thinking.

I feel relieved, now that he knows, and now that I know I have a place to go. I was scared all night, worried. I kept thinking that I should just try and take it all back, ignore it for longer, at least until my kids are old enough to get jobs and move out on their own. I knew I would be miserable, but I am a parent above all else. I would do that for them. Now though, there is another door open. A door that would let me get my life on track. Start over. Stand on my own in time, and yes, transition.

I want to go through that door. My sister begged me to stick to my guns and not let my husband talk me into staying. He doesn't care about me like he should, and is only upset because according to him he has "wasted eight years of his life" on me. I am going to stick to my guns.

Not sure on how I am going to approach the topic. I am pretty sure I have to get his permission to take my kids across state lines. I am in Louisiana and my mother and sister are in Arkansas, about an hour from where I am now. If I just take them, I am pretty sure it can be considered kidnapping. So if he agrees to let me take them to Arkansas, then I am out. If not, then I am not sure. If he isn't going to let me go where I can get help, then he needs to help support our kids until I can stand on my own down here.

If anyone has any advice, legal or otherwise, please let me know.

Don't really have much advice dude, but you cant change your hubby. sounds like a real arse from the get-go. Its one thing to be a little nervous when your spouse comes out as trans, but another to blame them for everything. ESSPECIALLY when that same spouse it getting panic attacks over their birth defect (born female for you). Your strong, and have a list of friends here for ya! :)

This is beyond fixing with simple advice. What your husband said was in a fit of anger so I am unsure about his not loving you for 5 year but other than that, you need professional legal help. If nothing else, contact legal aid as you need to be sure your husband doesn't walk out on his responsibility for the kids. You might also enquire at a woman's shelter about services that are available to you. They may be able to provide a way to help you get on your feet. Most important, if possible, don't miss that therapy session. You have a great deal you need to discuss and you need to take advantage of every resource available to you.

If he does give you permission to take the kids out of state ...get a signed piece of paper..otherwise it's parental kidnapping and crossing state lines is a federal offense...might would get a couple of witnesses to sign also. Good luck

Quote from: Dena on September 22, 2016, 12:17:00 PM
Most important, if possible, don't miss that therapy session.

I am going to be trying my hardest to get to my session on Tuesday. My sister in law is loaning me the twenty dollar copay I need. I might be going and staying with her for a few days until my husband can calm down and we can talk.

Quote from: Brianna Deanna on September 22, 2016, 12:32:25 PM
If he does give you permission to take the kids out of state ...get a signed piece of paper..otherwise it's parental kidnapping and crossing state lines is a federal offense...might would get a couple of witnesses to sign also. Good luck

Oh most definitely! I do not need or want anything like that happening.

First, I'm proud of you for doing it! That took a lot, so you deserve a pat on the back for bravery.

In terms of advice and my thoughts on the situation:

Legally: Document, document, document. Get as much as you can in writing about everything. I would advise you to speak to a lawyer ASAP. Don't enter into a verbal agreement about something as complex as child custody. I wouldn't necessarily even mention being trans was the straw that broke the camel's back, since hubs has apparently not been 100% for a while. I would just let them know that you and your husband have reached the point of irreconcilable differences and that your family has offered to house you, your pets, and your children in a neighboring state in order to facilitate your separation. They can help you cover your bases legally - this would likely entail a separation agreement, child custody agreement, etc. They may also be more aware of what resources are available to people in your situation (food stamps, cell phones, housing vouchers, etc.). This website can help you figure out where to go: http://louisianalawhelp.org/ (http://louisianalawhelp.org/)

If you don't think you and your husband will reach a point where you can resume marriage, getting some paperwork started ASAP regarding separation is good. In Louisiana since you have children, you have to be separated and living apart continuously for a year before the court will allow you to divorce. At that point, since he is earning money, he would likely have to pay you child support unless your earnings have changed by then.

Another concern would be visitation. You mentioned in another post that he is currently not able to drive. Unless the courts have decided that he poses a risk to the children, he has a right to see them. This could require you to have to drive your children that hour every time it's his visitation period. Assuming he wants visitation.

If you are at a point where you are fearing for your or your children's safety, you need to contact local law enforcement. It doesn't sound like it is at that point, but if it did get there because of conversations you'll likely have to have soon - don't worry about stigma or anything like that. Just call.

Other Advice: I don't know where in Arkansas you'd be going, but I do have a friend in Little Rock who I could ask about transition related resources there if that would help you or be closer than the resources you've already found. It sucks that you'd essentially have to restart all of your therapy stuff somewhere else, but I think ultimately getting out of your current situation will make your transition easier.

Quote from: FTMax on September 22, 2016, 03:30:11 PM
Legally: Document, document, document. Get as much as you can in writing about everything. I would advise you to speak to a lawyer ASAP. Don't enter into a verbal agreement about something as complex as child custody. I wouldn't necessarily even mention being trans was the straw that broke the camel's back, since hubs has apparently not been 100% for a while. I would just let them know that you and your husband have reached the point of irreconcilable differences and that your family has offered to house you, your pets, and your children in a neighboring state in order to facilitate your separation. They can help you cover your bases legally - this would likely entail an separation agreement, child custody agreement, etc. They may also be more aware of what resources are available to people in your situation (food stamps, cell phones, housing vouchers, etc.). This website can help you figure out where to go: http://louisianalawhelp.org/ (http://louisianalawhelp.org/)

Yes! My sister told me to write everything down too. So I wrote down everything I could remember about what he said last night, and I am going to write down anything else I can remember too. Thank you so much for the link, I will be calling a lawyer tomorrow to find out what all my options are, especially concerning my kids. My mother is afraid that he might try and fight me for the kids just because he knows it hurt me. If that is the case, then I need a lawyer more than ever.

Quote from: FTMax on September 22, 2016, 03:30:11 PM
If you don't think you and your husband will reach a point where you can resume marriage, getting some paperwork started ASAP regarding separation is good. In Louisiana since you have children, you have to be separated and living apart continuously for a year before the court will allow you to divorce. At that point, since he is earning money, he would likely have to pay you child support unless your earnings have changed by then.

Another concern would be visitation. You mentioned in another post that he is currently not able to drive. Unless the courts have decided that he poses a risk to the children, he has a right to see them. This could require you to have to drive your children that hour every time it's his visitation period. Assuming he wants visitation.

My car is horrible, but my sister has a good car. I am sure we could work something out to let him see the kids. If nothing else, I will be suggesting to him that he have his sister bring him up, since she has a brand new car.

Quote from: FTMax on September 22, 2016, 03:30:11 PM
If you are at a point where you are fearing for your or your children's safety, you need to contact local law enforcement. It doesn't sound like it is at that point, but if it did get there because of conversations you'll likely have to have soon - don't worry about stigma or anything like that. Just call.

My main concern with this, is people snapping. You see about it all the time in the news. I am a bit afraid of that happening. Especially since he was so very despondent last night and was talking about how much he wanted to give up on everything. People that think they have nothing else to live for, also feel they don't have anything to lose. I am going to see how things go when he comes home, and if it gets bad, then I will call the cops and have him escorted out of here. I am actually planning on suggesting he go and stay with his sister for a few days, but I don't know how that is going to go.

Quote from: FTMax on September 22, 2016, 03:30:11 PM
Other Advice: I don't know where in Arkansas you'd be going, but I do have a friend in Little Rock who I could ask about transition related resources there if that would help you or be closer than the resources you've already found. It sucks that you'd essentially have to restart all of your therapy stuff somewhere else, but I think ultimately getting out of your current situation will make your transition easier.

I will be around 2 hours from Little Rock, but it is definitely worth checking into resources in the area. If I can't find a therapist where I am going (which is much smaller city than I am currently living in), I will probably resort to the on-line therapist I've seen so much about. I will have to pay for it, but I am going to be getting a job when I move.

You are very lucky to have supportive family. If you and your husband get divorced it is not the end of the world for your kids. They will be divorced kids, which is a very common experience, versus living in a scary dysfunctional household full of secrets and parental explosions. It seems like you need a source of income.

Your husband may feel like the rug was pulled out from under him. You're right, it is tough to adjust. Rather than lie to placate him you should practice maintaining boundaries and explain your thinking, IOW that you are willing to give up your happiness to see the kids taken care of. So he does not take it as you wavering about the trans thing. Don't give him false hopes to shut him up temporarily.

He seems like he has been pulling away from the relationship for a while but needs to blame everything on you to make it 'okay'. Maybe he is one of those people who is always worrying first about what other people will think and if this is the case just use that to your advantage. People have more respect for those who have orderly divorces and take care of their kids so find a way to plant that in his head.