Susan's Place Transgender Resources

hi!  i am a cis woman in a committed relationship with a trans woman who's been on HRT for a while now and preparing to hopefully have GRS/SRS (not sure what the preferred language on this forum is!!) in the summer.  i support her in this decision completely, of course, but i'm having trouble dealing with my own anxieties surrounding the procedure.  i have an anxiety disorder, and i've been having lots of intrusive thoughts regarding her safety as well as the future of our relationship (the latter i know are most likely irrational, but i'm still having them)...i don't want to burden her by telling her my anxieties about the whole thing, as i'm sure she's already got plenty weighing on her mind at the moment.  how can i cope with these anxieties healthily? has anyone else been with a partner both pre- and post-GRS/SRS?  if so, what has it been like?

EDIT: i'd love to hear from trans folks who were/have been in committed relationships before and during transition as well as cis partners of transitioning people!!!

Welcome to Susan's Place. I am none of the above but I need to greet you. I have been watching the forum and other than one or two, the couples that break up are the result of the non transitioning partner not being able to handle the change. The person transitioning remains loyal and becomes a better spouse because the problems they have been living with for years have finally ended. The examples of the the relationship breaking up as the result of the trasitinang partner broke up very early in the discovery process.

As for surgical risks, they are very low. The normal surgical risk numbers include people who were high risk before surgery. If your partner is in good health, the risk is a fraction of the published numbers. In a modern hospital any issues that might occur can be handled reducing the risk even more. I think you can enjoy the moment with your partner and you have little to worry about.

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thank you so much dena  :icon_cute: it's a relief to hear that most of the breakups happen early in the discovery process, since we're wayyy past that. as for not being able to handle the change, i can't imagine feeling anything other than immense joy at the idea of my partner feeling more comfortable in her body and honor to be the one chosen to share this journey with her, so i don't think that'll be a problem either!  :)

Hi there! Sorry for the late response. I'm a cis woman married to a transwoman that had her surgery this past July. The fear of unknown caused the most amount of anxiety for me, so I'm going to tell you all about my experience. The surgery went very well. As far as surgeries go, it is a fairly safe surgery since there aren't a lot of major organs in the immediate area and the bleeding is easy to control compared to, say, abdominal surgery. Now, I know that different surgeons may do things differently so I'll relay what we experienced but just keep in mind that some things may be different when your SO goes in for surgery.

I got to see her as soon as she was wheeled into her hospital room. She has had 2 surgeries prior (unrelated to trans health) and she was much more alert following this surgery. She wasn't allowed to put the bed up more than 30 degrees for the first day and second day. She was allowed to eat, but, unfortunately she vomited every time on the first day (this doesn't happen to everyone, I suspect her digestive system was already irritated from the bowel cleansing prep from night before the surgery) but that settled down by the end of the next day. She couldn't reach her legs to scratch them so I recommend having a back scratcher on hand (I ran to the dollar store to get one!). She had a catheter and two drains in place for a week after the surgery. We were able to leave the hospital on the third day after they made sure that we knew how to empty the urine collection bag and the blood drains and that she could walk. She actually walked quite well, even up and down the stairs when necessary, just slowly.

While in the surgery went very well and the recovery was going well she does get easily exhausted. Recovering from the surgery takes a lot of the body's energy so expect your partner to be inclined to sleep more and not really able to go out and do things for a few months. Watch out for signs of post-surgical depression and make sure that they get attended to.

She make not be thrilled with way the neovagina and labia look during the healing phase. It's going to be bloody, swollen, possibly black and blue for the first couple weeks. Try not to be shocked when you see it; be supportive. The third week involved dead skin coming off of the new labia and out of the neovagina. It looks like a yellow semi-solid slime and smells like rotting flesh. This is because it is, in fact, rotting flesh. What happens is that blood supply changes from the surgery (it will re-establish itself in time) and some of the re-arranged tissues don't get enough blood and so they die and they separate from the living tissues and fall off. Slowly. It literally looks like the labia is melting off. Don't panic. Despite the smell and the appearance this is completely normal and sign of progress. It's not infected and it's not haunted. :) The worst of it was over in about 2 weeks. Dilation is forever (from what I understand) and your partner will probably hate it; just be supportive.

It could take a long time (I've been told up to a year) for the new parts to look the way they're intended to. There's a chance that you might not be able to have sex for that amount of time (although the number I hear mostly frequently is 6 months). Just be aware of it and...you might have guessed...just be supportive. ;)

Experiencing this with my wife has brought us even closer than ever. I know you're worried about adding to your partner's anxiety, but open and honest communication is key in relationships especially during difficult situations. It will give you both a chance to voice concerns and it may even turn out that you're both worried about some of the same things and give you both some relief and validation.

Best wishes!

Hi
I don't have anything to add as I haven't been through where you and your partner are at now...but I did wish to say good luck to you both. It's wonderful how supportive you both are to one another:) I hope the surgery goes  very well:)
Marie


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Hi, I don't know what I can say to help you work through the anxiety you are experiencing, but I wanted to try.  I am a trans woman married to a wonderfully supportive woman.  We've been married for 35 years.  She has been the bedrock of my support since I began my transition 3 years ago.  The surgical procedures that I have undergone over that time are many, including facial feminization surgery, sexual reassignment surgery, breast augmentation surgery, a full face lift, and others of a lesser nature.  In each case she has been there to take care of me and make sure that I did what needed to be done before and after the surgeries to get the best outcomes. 

These surgeries were performed in the USA, Spain, and even as far away as Thailand.  Never once was there an incident that we are aware of that put my life in danger.  Not once did I suffer post-surgery complications, unusual levels of pain, unpleasant reactions to medications, or anything of an unusual nature.  Of course we were careful to select reputable professionals working in modern up-to-date hospitals and certified surgery centers. 

I was so fortunate to have my wife with me at each location, close at hand, even staying with me in my hospital recovery room overnight after my FFS procedures.  It was not just a comfort to me, but also made it easier for her, knowing what was going on rather than being left alone to wait and worry. 

I want to reassure you that the advances in medical/surgical technology have lowered the risk of these surgeries tremendously.  Your surgeon has likely performed hundreds, maybe thousands of these operations without incident, and knows how to achieve very good results. 

I will tell you that at my latest surgery just a month ago.  I was so relaxed, I could have been going in for a teeth cleaning.  My wife, too, felt confident that all would play out as planned.  A certain amount of anxiety is natural, but there's no reason to let it overwhelm you.

As far as worries about the future of your relationship, my wife will admit to similar worries, as do I.  We promised to talk about our feelings regularly, and to be honest about everything that was happening even if the news was troubling.  It's certainly possible that post GRS, things could change in certain ways.  It's not unusual after GRS to wonder about what sex would be like with a man.  I've thought of it myself and told my wife about it along with reassurances that curiosity is not the same as desire, and desire does not mean acting out those desires.  Our love for each other is too strong to be destroyed by such shallowness.  Instead we have found new ways to be intimate and to meet each others needs at a sexual level.

Think positive thoughts, vrt.  Don't dwell on worst case scenarios.  The probability of everything working out perfectly is very high.  Really.

Good luck and all the best.

Hiya Clara. I am both a trans* person myself and my fiancee is a non-transitioning trans woman. I don't think I can add anything regarding trans surgeries that the other lovely ladies here haven't already said, but as someone who has an anxiety disorder myself, I wanted to make a suggestion.

Make sure that you're taking care of your own mental health through this! It's a stressful experience, both for your wife, and for you. I'm so glad that your wife has your undivided support. But if you're dealing with a lot of anxiety, please consider seeing a therapist on your own who is familiar with gender identity issues and surgery. If the anxiety is bad enough, you may need to see a psychiatrist who can prescribe anti-anxiety medications, although therapists sometimes do work with a GP for making sure you get medication, if needed.

You won't be doing anything "wrong" or unsupportive by taking care of your own mental health and well-being. It's a good thing to make sure you take care of yourself, too.

*hugs and cookies offered*