Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Ok this will probably sound disjointed putting my thoughts and feelings into words is very difficult for me. People ask me how I'm feeling and I sit there with a dumb look on my face. So please bear with me.
You probably heard a lot of what I am going to say before.

Yes as a child I felt different. My dad always jokes about how I always walked around on my tip-toes. I would tuck and cross my legs and when my hair was long pull it down an strike a feminine pose in the mirror, and wonder what it would be like to be a girl. That got put in the back of my mind after my biological daughter was born. I was the one to get up at 2 am for changes and feedings. I left with my daughter because I couldn't leave her with her mother ( that's another story).  Still with my feelings bottled up in didn't have time to worry about my feelings. I met my SO a little wile later she had 3 of her own 2 around my daughters age and one older. So needless to say I put the feelings farther on the back burner and worried about being a dad and the bread winner. There have been lots of times I just wanted to sit in a corner and cry but being dad and dad doesn't cry. My kids grew up and I having the same job since they were small (I'm the maintenance man lol )  . I wind up out of town lots and wind up alone at night and the feelings start hitting me again. So is how I wound up here in a nut shell.

I've  got parts of me screaming shut up quite being a winer and delete that.

Just a little add on

South I finally decided to stop fighting this tooth and name any more.

Hi Kevinwg,
   It sounds like you did a pretty good job of explaining. I don't know if it helps to know that it is probably a very rare person on this site who hasn't had conflicting feelings. It goes with the territory. Telling yourself to shut off your feelings won't work. I would bet a lot of money that your feelings will never disappear. So are you at a point of needing to move off of status quo? If you are, the obvious thing to do is to get information to figure out what your possible solutions might be. Talking to a therapist is often helpful. Also, maybe cross dressing could give you some insight. I would say do things that will give you some experience on how you feel and react. My feelings only got stronger as I got older. I experienced things that told me full transition was right for me. There are a whole range of possible coping strategies short of that though. It is an investigative process to figure out what will satisfy you. My opinion, don't sit there and be miserable. I did that and it stinks. Put the effort in to figure it out. Good Luck
Monica

It's always been hard for me with feelings always had to be the strong silent type. It's so ingrained in me from all the father figures in my life.

As I am working away I get hit again with " my God what are you doing "

I might be adding more to this post because it takes me a while to form thoughts into words
I'm sorry  if I seem to be babbling.

You are fine. I give you great credit for trying to do something that is hard for you. The easy things are the things we do well, that we've done all our lives. To make progress you have to tackle the things that are hard sometimes. Being the strong, silent type sounds tough to deal with if that is not what you want.
Monica

Everybody cries and the only difference is it on the outside where everybody sees it or is it on the inside. This is something that has been on the inside for so many years and it is going to be difficult for you to get it out and become comfortable with it. We understand this because most of us had to deal with what you are facing now. Take as many posts as you need to get your feelings out and feel free to ask us questions as that is why we are here.

Don't feel ashamed or embarrassed about what you feel because you are dealing with something most people have never had to face. The rules are you have lived with for so many years have only hurt you so it's time for you to get the help that you deserve and have earned.

So I was relaxing tonight and thinking about how to get rid of some body hair without my wife noticing. Not a chance in that but the mustache can only lyrics been sporting it for 20 - 25 years lol but it has to go. Guess that's step one. My tattoos not sure if they are even that feminine only have 2 to tank tops are out later lol.

There is a laser tattoo removal process but it's somewhat dependent on the type of ink that was used to produce the original tattoo. You should speak to an expert on it as I avoided all tattoo and haven't had any real world experience with them. It might also be possible to feminize them as some women have tattoo sleeves.

As for tank tops, I can't wear them because I have shoulders like a foot ball player and tank tops make them look even bigger. Many MTFs don't have that problem and look good in tank tops.

So with the mustache gone I am bracing for when I go home today and see what my wife thinks.

To answer any earlier question, yes I thought a boutique cross dressing but my wife's clothing is only lady's stuff in the house. She's size 22 - 24 and I'm size 10.  I'm 5' 11" and 130 lbs. I was 6' but lost some hight due to breaking my heels. Plus she's home all the time.

Have you ever stood in front of a mirror with a sheet that you've wrapped around you to look like a dress? If not, it's very silly and you should try it.  :D

Feeling a little guilty and anxious. Guilty because I don't like keeping secrets from my wife but I know now is not the time. Anxious I want to talk to someone but my boss has been keeping me out of town so much it's hard to make any appointments.

And thank you all for listening to my ranting

Another note about cross dressing at home even if I talked to my wife about it. It would be weird because our youngest boy is staying with us at this time and we live in a small 2 bedroom apartment and he's not working.

Quote from: Kevinwg on September 30, 2016, 01:12:03 PM
Another note about cross dressing at home even if I talked to my wife about it. It would be weird because our youngest boy is staying with us at this time and we live in a small 2 bedroom apartment and he's not working.

Your son will eventually make his life choices. I've kept my secrets for 40 years. I finally decided how can I love somebody else if I don't love me first.   Once I made that determination things started to get better real fast.  I was like Atlas holding the world on my shoulders.  Now I have no stress at all, it is so liberating. I still can't dress in front of them but as my HRT continues I will eventually. My family has been awesome.

On my drive back from where I was working it's a 2 hour drive. I thought I'm going to buy my self and outfit this weekend as I am out of town again next week and I have a room to my self. Boy am I stupid lol

Hi Kevin,

When I am away I keep my therapy sessions and use my phone. Sometimes the phone is better and sometimes in person is better.

You are dealing with a lot right now. When dysphoria gets to the point when you must do something it is frightening, lean on us.

I was in a similar position where, when I was ready, I had to explain to my wife what was going on. You are not alone. 

Where there is a will, there is a way! Everyone on this site probably knows how strong that "will" can be when it comes to transgender feelings. Please keep in mind that many people who talk to you on this site who have changed their lives because of these feelings, started out saying a lot of "can't's" and "I could never do that's." Count me as one of those. Somehow people find the strength to do amazing things. It can be hard to go from hiding and shame to being proud. We all deserve to be proud of who and what we are.
Monica

I only wish I could have someone go with me shopping lol now I'm getting into different territory. I'm totally clueless on styles and what would look good on me. But I will deal

Went shopping got so flustered that I went home again gona try again tomorrow.

Well this kind of hurt told my wife was going for a bath (haven't done that since I broke my heels 6 years ago) she say said why. I replied I kind of miss it.
Her : you usually shower your such a manly man.

I have kept up this facade for so long .... I just don't know

I have the overwhelming urge to shut it all back down. My wife loves her manly man. My boss is a mental abusing jerk.

My wife has some health issues and depression.

You have two options. You can face it now or you can try to stuff it all back in the bottle and hope it goes away. It won't and at some point in the future you will come back to it hurting even worst. We have many people who tell stories like this and some of them may have put off dealing with their issues for as much as 20 years. The one thing they have in common is that they wish they had done it at a younger age. The decision is yours and I hope you find happiness.

I am so sorry if I bummed anyone out. I am having an incredibly bad day. I shouldn't have posted that.

We all have bad days and it worst before we get the transition rolling. The urge pushing us forward and we are up against a wall with no where to go. After you get into therapy it starts improving, getting HRT helps more. Starting to see that passing becomes possible is a really big boost. Any time you are down, feel free to come here because everybody knows where you are as they have been there as well.

You're here for support and we're here to provide it. Please don't feel like sharing your thoughts is unwelcome.

Took a few selfies to upload for avatar. I think I will wait a bit on that. I feel I look like an old farmer with the full silver hair.

I hope that if I can get on HRT that it will fill out my face some. I have always been ultra slim. My wife complains that I eat and she gains weight and I'm the only one that could lay on the couch for 3 months and loose weight. That was when I was down with my heels.

I was off HRT for 10 years and one day I took a real good look in the mirror and saw how drawn out my face looked. I started looking around for somebody to prescribe estrogen and now after 7 months, I can see many changes that have taken place. My dosage is low so I am not sure how noticeable the changes are to others but they happen. The first sign was I had blue circles under my eyes and within a month enough fat had deposited there to remove the blue.

As your T levels drop, you will find it easer to gain weight. I have seen some girls that this has been a real problem with so check your weight from time to time so it doesn't get out of control.

HRT is pretty much reversible for the 1st three months. I knew in 3 weeks I would never be off HRT, it felt so right. There is low dose and transitioning dose. Your transition is the way you want it and at the time you can handle it. There is no right or wrong way, just your way.

I struggled with very bad dysphoria for a very long time. I am on my transition journey and although I have had my ups and downs I would do it again. Taking control of my gender was the best thing I did. I had the help of a good gender therapist which was so important for me.

I have been reading the rules for getting on HRT in Alberta and I don't know if the would let me. Here they are still treating it as a mental illness.
I'm being such a yo-yo right now.

You may want to check with local LGBT groups for help with navigating the system in order to start HRT.  I am not familiar with Alberta's requirements, but a quick Google showed that, back in 2012, they followed the WPATH Standards of Care Version 6.  Version 7 is current now, and I would hope that they have upgraded their requirements to use it.

WPATH SoC V7 requires a "hormone readiness assessment" by a mental health professional, after which you can start HRT.  I just finished my assessment (in Nova Scotia), and it was a painless three hours total with a psychologist.  They just ask you about your history, so they know it really is gender dysphoria not some other problem, and they tell you about the effects of hormones, so that your consent is informed.  That's it.  Because it is an international standard, Alberta should be the same unless they are still using version 6.

Can't find anything about what version alberta is using. It seems so daunting. Keep running into referral required I can't even get an appointment with my doctor in under a month. I am quite sure he doesn't have a clue on any of this.

I'm normally not like this as in I don't talk much unless I have to.

I feel the same way about Alberta's situation. I don't even have a doctor since mine retired over 2 years ago... I am going to be contacting a friend's doctor who is supposed to be LGTBQ friendly... I can let you know if I have any more insight after coming out of that...

Sent from my SM-G870W using Tapatalk

I hear you on the waiting lists!  It reminds me of my Air Force days: "hurry up and wait".

They were going to make me wait three months for my assessment.  I jumped the queue by going to a private therapist, no referral required (and minimal waiting).  But I got a referral anyway so we could claim the cost on my wife's insurance.  My doctor doesn't have a clue about this stuff either, but she is happy to write me a referral letter if I ask for one. 

Insurance that's another issue I'm the only one working an don't have company insurance. We had once but my boss cancelled them with no warning. God I got to get a new job.

I got to stop babbling

The more we know about you the more we can help you. Look at how much more you already have learned with the information you have provided.

I know but like I have said before. I'm not use to talking. Guess growing up with the rule children are seen and not heard dosent help either. So i just learned to keep my mouth shut.

Keeping your mouth shut goes against my treatment model. My model says that we remain clammed up until we come out and then we develop diarrhea of the mouth for months. We have so much to say and explore that it's difficult to remain silent. I had few people to talk to as I lived by my self and didn't have friends or neighbors to talk with but when I was around people I could talk with, I would be happy to talk till 1 or 2 am on a work night. The rules you learned in the past don't apply here and be happy about it.

Well so far this has been my only outlet. Don't really have any friends and don't socialise. Just a little shock to my system all this coming out. Sorta makes my head spin

A small update getting rid of negative things in my life. I quit my job after 18 years of abuse.

Still have the urge to tell my wife how and what I am feeling. Just not sure how she will take it

The right time to tell your wife will be up to you. We have even less of an idea when the best time would be. Some people  talk to a therapist first and others need to tell their wife before starting anything. One issue I have found is that often a wife may be come upset that they weren't told first. The feel that their partner didn't trust them and become angry about it.

That the whole point. We don't keep secrets from each other on a whole. I told her that I was planning on quitting today. Just totally tired of basically being told that I am useless.

Given that you have just made a major life change in quitting your job, it might be prudent to let the dust settle on the employment situation before raising the trans issue with your wife. 

In the meantime, you can plan how you want to raise the topic with her.  Quite a few of us have been in the position of having to come out to our spouses before seeking therapy.  We are happy to help if you want to bounce ideas off us.

It is a good time to seek out employment that has health benefits.

I know when I hit the tipping point I was not stable and people here recommended I not tell my wife until I went over it with a gender therapist. I am glad I waited the month.

I know it is difficult right now. Transition is a marathon not a sprint. I meet with an awesome gender therapist. We mapped out a plan and started each step when I was ready.

Bouncing ideas off you is a good idea. Way better than today or more like last night couldn't shut off my brain.

I am working on getting a therapist also. I will have to go to Edmonton tho. We only have one car and if I disappear for several hours. That's the catch 22

If you are depressed and anxious and have trouble sleeping then talking to a therapist is a logical thing to do. She should understand you are seeking help in dealing with the above. You are not definite about a transition and the extent of such and that is what you need to figure out with the therapist.

Some therapists do Skype. A therapist will bring you at least a one on one non-judging human to talk to. Feeling for you - hugs.

Don't know about Skype tho only Internet is at home.
Going to make a call to The Pride Center this week.

As for employment that shouldn't be to much of a problem. I have EI and that will keep us going for a bit.
I am feeling way better after quitting even tho he tried to make me feel ready bad. He is trying to sell his company and he texts me an hour after I quit saying  when he sold out he was going to give me a bonus for long service of 10,000.

He has made lots of promises before gives me a rase and a few months later on sorry we have to make cutbacks. Couldn't charge anywhere for supplys had to pay in advance.

Quote from: Kevinwg on October 03, 2016, 08:33:15 PM
Don't know about Skype tho only Internet is at home.
Going to make a call to The Pride Center this week.

As for employment that shouldn't be to much of a problem. I have EI and that will keep us going for a bit.
I am feeling way better after quitting even tho he tried to make me feel ready bad. He is trying to sell his company and he texts me an hour after I quit saying  when he sold out he was going to give me a bonus for long service of 10,000.

Screw that guy, he sounds emotionally manipulative. You definitely need to see a therapist if only to deal with untangling this abusive relationship with your ex boss. You are very strong to take the step to quit but obviously he is still trying to mess with you emotionally. I think you probably have a few things to unpack and it may be a few months before the weight on your chest lifts. It's a good thing you don't have to run right back to a job right away. Get ahold of yourself and take some time to figure out where you want to go next with jobs.

I have an appointment with a counselor on Tuesday at the pride center. Another step in the right direction.

Quote from: Kevinwg on October 05, 2016, 12:40:36 PM
I have an appointment with a counselor on Tuesday at the pride center. Another step in the right direction.

Yay!  That is a really good move.  It is good to see you moving forward.

The also have a group meeting every second Monday in the month. Not sure if I am ready for that just yet. See how this appointment gos first.

That is great news!!! Such an important step. I hope it goes well.

Sent from my SM-G870W using Tapatalk

Had a little giggle today. My wife and I were out and about today. She spotted a dress in a window of a shop and said that's a cute dress won't fit me tho. Me without skipping a beat would fit me but not in the top. Wife says we could stuff it. Nearly fell over.

I haven't come out yet.

Hee-hee!  Those moments are fun!  :)

I found this test on line ( just being silly) and the results said I am Androgynous. Not sure what that means.

I looked it up and it says I'm both male and female personalitys. Not sure what to make of that.

Be wary of tests like that as they can be confusing. Most people are a mixture of both genders but the ratios may vary. I still have a fair amount of my maleness even after almost 40 years but I have never doubted my need to transition and I have never regretted it. What is important is for you to define the gender role you will be comfortable with and alter your life to match it. Don't use an off the shelf stereotype as that will most likely leave you with a different type of dysphoria.

Yup it was confusing. Got kinda flustered.

2 days till my appointment with a counselor.starting to get excited and scared at the same time. Told my wife about the appointment and that I need to talk to someone about some issues.

Quote from: Kevinwg on October 08, 2016, 05:35:31 PM
2 days till my appointment with a counselor.starting to get excited and scared at the same time. Told my wife about the appointment and that I need to talk to someone about some issues.

Like any issue the first step is to recognise you have one...I hope you get some peace of mind after talking to a counsellor. Good luck for Monday

Liz

Nope Tuesday is the appointment, Monday is a holiday here. So I guess 3 days then lol

Quote from: Kevinwg on October 08, 2016, 06:12:29 PM
Nope Tuesday is the appointment, Monday is a holiday here. So I guess 3 days then lol

Well then good luck for Tuesday!!

Liz

Went to my appointment today and it went well. I have a bunch of things to still workout. I have another appointment  on the 25th.


On my way back in get a text from my old boss (I have a $10,000 check for you) I tell him not in town right now be back in a bit. He texts me again with...

It's only something you qualify for if you finish your term out with the company . I'm looking for  1 year commitment . You get $1000 for  coming back $5000 June 1 and balance sept or .............ill pay your rent for 12 months in the apt you living in .

Like what the..... it's the same manipulative crap say one thing and change it later.

If you know he has a history of not living up to his word, just delete that text and move on. Wow, your old boss either thinks you're a hot property OR he's too lazy to do the hiring manager thing. Either way, someone ought to take that as a recommendation at a new job, lol.

I don't think I will be hearing from him anymore. I told him that my mental health is more important than his games.