Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I'm new to this site and I'm not sure where to post this but I was wondering how other people deal or dealt with being misgendered? I'll a ftm preop transgender and I've been on testosterone for 6 months. My facial features have changed I'm growing more facial hair Andl my voice is definitely deeper. I get people who will take a quick glance and say him but then later say she. My question is how do you correct them if you do correct them? I'm usually a very open and out spoken person but ever since I started taking T I've been more shy and have been trying to hide myself till I could fully pass as male 100% I suppose. What has been other people's experiences I'd like to know?

I usually focus on something like that in a few years on HRT, it will not really be happening any more and then let it go.  The ques people use in their assessment will change over time and eventually the markers that are commonly recognized as "masculine" will be yours.

I am MTF and rarely wear any makeup.  I work in a traditionally male field and there are days when I get ma'amed or people give up trying to figure it out.  Other days, I get misgendered all day.  Over time, I have come to realize that it is just going to happen and not to take it to heart.

Have you ever corrected them? Or do you just let it slide

Like Kaitlyn - i wear pretty light makeup during the day generally. I probably get misgendered 20% of the time, which may seem low but i still don't like it.

I correct people and usually with a friendly and polite style. I try and gauge people's intentions and when i sense they are doing it to be jerks, i just ignore them.

When you correct them what do you say? I guess I'm trying to avoid an awkward exchange lol. I feel like either way someone is going to be embarrassed with the conversation.

Most of the time, I do not expend the energy to correct them.  If it is someone who I know I will have prolonged interaction with, then it makes sense to make sure they understand who I am.  If it is a clerk at a store or someone I will not spend any time with, then I just let it slide...even if it has bothered me.

You ask a good question and one that I wrestle with from time to time.

I sort of break it into categories. primarily, is it intentional or unintentional? Is it a teaching moment or not? Does something need doing?

Thank goodness that I have rarely run into the intentional oaf that is just trying to cause problems, this sort of person can be dangerous and I do my best to avoid. I love the unintentional teaching moments. Two days ago I was at a local café, the waiter mis-gendered me a couple of times, to the best of my knowledge unintentionally, and then he pulled out a couple of mam's and nailed the recovery with a few miss's (great save). At the end of my meal, I took him aside and said, "I realize that you probably don't get the opportunity to be around many transgender folks and that you probably didn't even realize when you called me sir when I sat down. I don't hold anything against you but I did want you to know that it hurts a bit every time I get addressed in that manner. It is my weakness and not yours but I and other transgender people appreciate the effort put out when we are addressed in a manner reflecting our presentation.". He was embarrassed by it all and apologized readily, then thanked me. He also received a better than average tip, just to reinforce the message. I did not point out that if I had thought that it was fully intentional, I would have spoken to the owner of the café, an acquaintance of mine, and the waiter would have been out of a job on the spot (something that I have never felt the need to do).

How do the rest of you deal with this sort of situation?

Anne

Quote from: Lordmasterflex on October 03, 2016, 10:23:45 AM
When you correct them what do you say? I guess I'm trying to avoid an awkward exchange lol. I feel like either way someone is going to be embarrassed with the conversation.

I just smile and say ma'am thanks :) Sometimes they seem embarrassed but more often then not, they seem to take it in stride.

It occurs to me that another trans person might later visit a place where I have been misgendered. That person may be younger, more vulnerable, or even at a fragile point. If I act like a jerk, it will be passed on. If I try to educate like Anne wrote about, there is a good chance the world might be just a smidge better for someone else. I do have a hard time with being misgendered after I correct someone the first time.
Monica

Quote from: HappyMoni on October 03, 2016, 07:13:26 PM
It occurs to me that another trans person might later visit a place where I have been misgendered. That person may be younger, more vulnerable, or even at a fragile point. If I act like a jerk, it will be passed on. If I try to educate like Anne wrote about, there is a good chance the world might be just a smidge better for someone else. I do have a hard time with being misgendered after I correct someone the first time.
Monica

I guess it comes down to knowledge a lot for me. I tell someone I am taking testosterone and they still call me she but I can't really blame them or be mad. I should have been more specific and said I'm taking testosterone because I am transgender. 

My problem is that i am in a field of work where I see the same people 2 days out of the week and for only 6 months at a time. Even tho it bothers me extremely being called she I don't want to start a whole ordeal because i may not see them again in 6 months. But the hard part is when new people meet me and they immediately call me he and him and I think great I don't have to deal with being called she! this is awesome! Then someone comes around and says she and that new person gets utterly confused and starts saying she and in all honestly it brings me down quite a bit because I'm thinking I finally found someone who sees ME and then they don't.

Recently a person who knew me as a male saw me as myself, Monica. I overheard him refer to me as he. I took him aside later and specifically told him I was transgender and that my pronouns are she and her. He said he was sorry and then very honestly said, " I will try hard to remember, but I might slip up." That I could accept. I guess my point is that you may get more response by being really specific. Unfortunately, with the job situation you describe, it may take some time. I am sorry. I know it hurts. Someone yelled my old name in front of a bunch of new people a few weeks ago. I just shook my head. At some point I will ignore them until they get it correct or just point to my badge and give a big grin.
Monica

Please let me put a twist on this question, one that hits me  more often than I would like. When I am out and about I only perceive myself as Anne. Nothing will take me from the top of the world to near the bottom as  an unexpected sir. I try to tell myself it doesn't matter, but it does. How do the rest of you shrug off the hurt?

Quote from: Anne Blake on October 03, 2016, 10:22:25 PM
Please let me put a twist on this question, one that hits me  more often than I would like. When I am out and about I only perceive myself as Anne. Nothing will take me from the top of the world to near the bottom as  an unexpected sir. I try to tell myself it doesn't matter, but it does. How do the rest of you shrug off the hurt?

It really does hurt. I want to say that it doesn't and tell people it's ok I don't care but in reality I feel like my whole demeaner changes when I get misgendered. I don't want to be labeled as a "baby" by crying and complaining about it but recently I've been bottling it up so much that it's taken its toll on me and I feel like I'm never going to get treated and saw as a man. One thing I noticed with me is when someone new calls me he and someone else says she the new person follows suit and says she I feel super uncomfortable around them. I don't want to look at them or them see me it makes me feel like hiding because I'm so embarrassed

In no way would I downplay the hurt. It stinks for sure. I hope you try to stay optimistic though. Your "presence" will only improve as time goes on and this will be a memory at some point. I think part of what we go through is really tough especially at first, but at some point it does start to get easier. It may never get to a point where it doesn't hurt, but you will get better at dealing with it. Hang in there.
Moni

I tend to correct aggressively, particularly when someone should know better.  A male receptionist at my therapist "Sir'd" me today.  At the therapists office.  Me in full makeup, wearing the ginger-blonde hair, a bodycon dress, tights, knee-high boots.  Right at the top of the medical record on his display, it says "Preferred name: Michelle".

"Oh, it's "Ma'am" these days.  There's been a little change."

There's another receptionist/scheduler in my endocrinologists office who constantly "Sir's" me, uses my dead name, and ignores the preferred name, all deliberately.  When I called her on it, she said she is required to use my legal name.  I generally "Sir" her.

Someone less thick-skinned than I am could take some damage from these jerks.  Personally, I just report them to their employer.

Oh, and when someone consistently "Ma'am"s me, or calls me Michelle, and is otherwise polite and helpful, I fill out the comment card (physical or online) for them or their business and complement them on their great customer relations.

It cuts both ways.  Let people who do the right thing know that you noticed and appreciate it.

OMG, Michelle...that is just not right!  The person humaning that desk at your endo's office is just plain nasty for being that way.  I have one as well, Mary.  She likes to dead name me...which is going to stop now that I have legally changed it...but it has annoyed me for a long while.  She will be reported to the doctor she answers to today if she gets it wrong this time around.  I hear you when you mention thick skin and while I can take it with no more than annoyance, my endo sees lots of trans patients and not all have a thick epidermis!

That main thing I strive for is to create 'teachable moments'.  Most folk are really quite oblivious of how trans people approach life.  It just seems like a good idea to try and help the general masses to have a little bit of awareness.  For that, when someone is malicious or over the top to the point of insult, they should be reported to their management.

I hate it when people go out of their way to misgender someone. Completely rubs me the wrong way.

I was misgendered a lot before T and still am..everyone says "It's because of your long hair" but last time I checked men sometimes have hair as long as mine and have no problem being misgendered..so I think it's something else about me

Every time I was misgendered it really ruined my day. Nowadays I'm so used to it (I guess) that I let it roll off my back. I know my weight doesn't help me pass since it all went to my chest and stomach and nowhere else. I can't dress the way I want to in Summer or hot days since my preference is black and Goth attire. The black helps things blend in...but try doing that in 90F lol. I'm sorry I can't offer any advice except times will get better. One day you'll be passing and you won't even be trying. Then hallelujah!

I am in no position to give you advice. I would like to welcome you to site. thanks for asking tough questions. It helps us all to bring things like this up.

I also want to share some links with you. They are mostly welcome information and the rules that govern the site. If you have not had a chance to look through them, please take a moment to read the first several stickies:


https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html

Once again, welcome to Susan's. Look around, ask questions and join in.

With warmth,

Joanna

I do not care what other people call me in the street, but my friends, colleagues and other acquaintance are different. They sometimes ask me what is my preferred pronouns, and I always reply "She". Then, they call me accordingly. Most of my friends once always called me as "he", but nowadays some of them call me as "she", even though I did not request it. Yes. Nowadays, more people call me as 'she'.

barbie~~

I still aspire to be less personally bothered by being misgendered and appreciate the great responses here.  Teachable moments are fun but that assumes a person is educable and not deliberately doing a slam.  For a while I had a 4 year old tormentor who delighted in loudly proclaiming "you're a boy!" Her parents are friends and seemed incapable of arresting her rude behavior.  Kinda glad they moved away for that reason ;)

As an elected politician and community activist I love being visible, approachable and willing to engage people about our transgender reality.  Transitioning at 60 with a lifetime of T oriented body growth, male socialization and mannerisms I simply accept that I will be misgendered.  The truth is that I am a transgender person and transitioned late in the game and that is really OK.  I try to be polite about it but often correct people who sir me by saying; "my name is Tessa and it's ma'am for me please"  During my transition I did explore clothing, mannerisms, voice training and more to be  comfortable and passable.  What I realized was an uncomfortable feeling that I was trading a male stereotype and straightjacket for a female one.  What I found works best is to simply be as authentic and uniquely real as me.  A person with an interesting history and sort of hybrid gender presentation.  Many of us take another path and do everything in their power to present as their own self identified gender and that is certainly OK too.  Getting to know us (we are not that scary) is so critical now that our rights and very lives are on the line.

Some of us will always have a skeletal structure with face, shoulders, hips, hands and more that suggests our assigned at birth gender but not how we self identify.  I have felt female, to some degree, all my life, even when I was wearing a beard or doing typically male gender role stuff.  There can obviously be a huge gulf between how we identify and feel verses how we look or sound to others.  This is the heart of diversity and a reality I hope more and more people will learn to accept as the truth of the human species.  Diversity should be celebrated as essential for survival and growth.

It is going to take some time and effort to be accepted and fully integrated within the dominant cultures we live within.  It is worth it for the current and next generations of trans people who will be starting school and careers in the public sphere.  We need to be seen as people who are part of the mainstream with value and dignity.  In my long lifetime schools were segregated by race and religion, mixed race and gay marriages were illegal and people with any disabilities stayed hidden and home.  Until people stood up for and demanded equality it did not happen.

I urge all of us to put our best foot forward and be proud of who you are.  Most people want to be kind to one another.