Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hey there once again ! I'm back with one of my crazy questions, which even my therapist doe snot know what to really tell me...
So as some of you might know if you recall my username... I've come to the realization that I'm trans but still trying to see if I can deal with it without transitioning (mostly family, economic, and such issues)...

Fast forwarding, I think I like women at this stage, but always been confused about my sexuality without acting on it. Mostly because sex with a man, and me as a man does not feel right (even though I have not done it). As a woman, it feels like it'd be ok...

But anyways my question here is... I do have a girlfriend right now and I'm 28 years old.. realized this about one year + ago... What's been happening to me is that when I have sex with my girlfriend, something is not right anymore. When she touches me, or moves around or whatever it is... I seem to feel anger, just unexplained anger... and I get this urge of like struggling her (of course I won't do)... kind of like this feeling of overwhelming violence... However, this only happened a few times so far. Other times I'm really turned on by her and such... So I'm a little confused here as to what is going on. This question goes mostly for those that were in my shoes in terms of not realizing they were trans later in life as well by the way :)...

But did this happen to any of you? Because maybe deep down you wanted to be with a man? I'm just real confused and of course I haven't talked about this to her, nothing of "if's" or anything since she's very very close minded. Am I getting into a situation where there's no turning back from? I'm feeling very depressed... I just want to cry right now. I love her and when I felt this way it destroyed me inside, I feel ashamed of myself. This is not fair for her but I'm afraid of letting her go as well, it's like whatever way I choose I'll destroy her in a way.

But going back to the intercourse subject, I know many of you have said in previous posts that sex just wasn't there. It was unnatural, forced, or problematic (like for me I lose erections quite easily, I look at her but I'm not super turned on, kind of like I have to force it and such, and I don't feel like I was naturally born with that sense of what sex should be like (being the alpha in bed a little bit, just letting things flow)..

So yes I'd greatly appreciate if you could give me some insight into this.. Not sure if this is anything anxiety/transsexual related or just a phase of my relationship coming to an end that I can't stop.

Thanks a lot !

The only insight I have is to find a qualified gender therapist. Dysphoria even though given a generic name expresses itself uniquely among each individual. Your problem is formed from your unique personality and honestly you need to work it out with an experienced professional. I have severe gender dysphoria which became evident at age 4 years old and was relentless throughout my life. We are all unique and my dysphoria comes under the general heading of gender screwed upness, but I guarantee you it manifests totally different from you but with certain characteristics which may or may not be the same.

I am not a therapist but it sounds like resisting the transition is causing anger, depression and other emotions to build up in you and they come to the surface during sex. At that moment you are unhappy as you are and you see an example of what you wish to become. If this is the case, about the only two options I see are to avoid sex or work on your transition as controlling these feelings will become more difficult over time.

You really need a qualified gender therapist to untie this Gordian knot, but I'll give you my thoughts.

I think you need to take a look at the things that are stopping you from transitioning, and the possibility that your aggressive thoughts about your girlfriend may be borne of a deeply buried feeling that she personifies all the things that are holding you back. 

The problem I found is that as you get older (speaking for myself here), you are beset by a sense that time is running out, and the urge to transition becomes more and more powerful -- which is why a decision not to transition may be right for some, but not for others.

In my case I first addressed the question when I was about 19, 34 years ago, give or take.  I put it off for economic reasons, and then came back to it again 7 years later when I was 26.  That time I put it off again, for family and economic reasons.  I came back to it again at 35, and put it off again for family reasons.

Now at 53 I've been fighting massive panic attacks for the past ten years and I can no longer deal with it by putting it off.  IMHO, there is no such thing as deciding not to transition.  There is merely putting it off, which some people are successful at doing for their entire lives.  YMMV.

Regarding sexuality:  I've always loved women, except for a very occasional fantasy about getting "done" by a guy -- and those fantasies always centered more on being treated like a girl than on any desire to do it with a guy.  Now, after four months on hormones, I have almost no testosterone left, and the estrogen levels of a teenage girl, and I still love women.  I am just not attracted to guys, other than the thought of being "treated like a lady" which I see as more of an affirmation of femininity than a function of sexual desire.  The reality is I am a lipstick lesbian.  Again, YMMV.

I have felt this anger too, but I thought it came from dysphoria. Could it be you're angry because her body is feminine and yours is still stubbornly masculine? I used to have a lot of anger about stuff like that. If you're turned on by her at the same time, maybe you are a lesbian and are just having a lot of trouble dealing with your body being "wrong"? I can see how this could be very confusing for you.

Thank you all for the replies... Well the issues with me is that I'm confused about my sexuality as well now... It's very very confusing. Before I used to love women... now I see a vagina and I get anxious and not aroused kinda. Now I think of a penis and I feel like (sorry for this) I want it in my mouth real bad or such.. I'm just confused because I don't know anymore if it's due to all the porn that I've watched over the years, but I see a woman giving oral to a guy, and I get that good sensation in my throat (kind of like anxiety going away - hard to explain), but then I don't know. Same happens with imagining that I'm holding a penis in my hand..
All very weird. A few days ago I was having sex with her and it was wonderful, erections were very strong and such. The day after however, I was very turned off by her (and that's were the sensation of anger was coming from).. Very confused about everything.
I'm afraid because.. I know she loves me, and I can't think of letting her go with no explanation at all.. I feel like any explanation is like going to hurt her a lot because let's think about it...

If I tell her about my situation (be it being trans or possibly gay) and that's why I'm leaving her - In a way I'm looking after her and avoiding her from possibly having a terrible future next to me but at the same time having to put up with the situation ("My boyfriend was this? He didn't tell me until now? What did I do wrong?" etc etc...)

I leave her for a makeup reason which leaves her wondering what she did wrong...

I just don't know what to do... I wish I didn't get myself involved in this relationship because now my decisions involve her heart as well, not just mine :(..

Thanks a lot again !