Community Conversation => Transgender talk => Topic started by: Annaiyah on October 15, 2016, 09:14:31 PM Return to Full Version
Title: I gave myself an ultimatum...
Post by: Annaiyah on October 15, 2016, 09:14:31 PM
Post by: Annaiyah on October 15, 2016, 09:14:31 PM
...and it was that if i get to my 29th birthday (I'm 26 now) and i'm still not finished my transition or at least in the surgical phase of it, that i will end my own life and there is absolutely nothing anybody can say to me to stop me. My original deadline was 28 but i'll give myself to 29.
I feel stuck with where i am in life and it just doesn't feel like i'm making much progress with my transition. I just hate that i was born a boy. I hate it with everything in me and really want to live a life where i am biologically a female... from birth to death. I'm at the point where i'm being tormented by being trans and feel like committing suicide.
I wish i could've finished my transition a lot sooner. There's nothing for me in this life. In committing suicide i hope to reincarnate and be born a female... or however i die in this life. I also find myself at the point where i'm dwelling on death, so i can attract myself dying. I'm angry because in my past life, i was a cis woman and i was murdered in that life. So i thought it would be rather interesting if i committed suicide in this life, knowing that.
Just wanted to vent.
I feel stuck with where i am in life and it just doesn't feel like i'm making much progress with my transition. I just hate that i was born a boy. I hate it with everything in me and really want to live a life where i am biologically a female... from birth to death. I'm at the point where i'm being tormented by being trans and feel like committing suicide.
I wish i could've finished my transition a lot sooner. There's nothing for me in this life. In committing suicide i hope to reincarnate and be born a female... or however i die in this life. I also find myself at the point where i'm dwelling on death, so i can attract myself dying. I'm angry because in my past life, i was a cis woman and i was murdered in that life. So i thought it would be rather interesting if i committed suicide in this life, knowing that.
Just wanted to vent.
Title: Re: I gave myself an ultimatum...
Post by: JMJW on October 16, 2016, 09:12:35 AM
Post by: JMJW on October 16, 2016, 09:12:35 AM
What lies beyond this life, no one knows.
You gotta find one thing you don't want to say goodbye to. Just one.
You gotta find one thing you don't want to say goodbye to. Just one.
Title: Re: I gave myself an ultimatum...
Post by: Rachel on October 16, 2016, 03:47:28 PM
Post by: Rachel on October 16, 2016, 03:47:28 PM
Perhaps making a transition time line with milestones would help. I did this (second time) and although I am a little behind I am happy with my transition progress.
My original promise was before I hit puberty. When my voice cracked I stood on a bridge for a long time. I did not fall. I think my major self hatred started that day.
When I was on the bridge at age 11 if I allowed myself to be completely free and weightless I would never have experienced the growth in being myself now. I would never know the inner peace or the process of healing.
Transition is a marathon with many steps.
My original promise was before I hit puberty. When my voice cracked I stood on a bridge for a long time. I did not fall. I think my major self hatred started that day.
When I was on the bridge at age 11 if I allowed myself to be completely free and weightless I would never have experienced the growth in being myself now. I would never know the inner peace or the process of healing.
Transition is a marathon with many steps.
Title: Re: I gave myself an ultimatum...
Post by: SailorMars1994 on October 17, 2016, 08:20:16 AM
Post by: SailorMars1994 on October 17, 2016, 08:20:16 AM
Not to preach but why notdo what poster above said.Set mile stones instead of tomb stones, take strides in your transition one step at a time... coming out, dressing up, electrolosis, legal name change, then SRS..
Title: Re: I gave myself an ultimatum...
Post by: Annaiyah on October 17, 2016, 10:05:56 AM
Post by: Annaiyah on October 17, 2016, 10:05:56 AM
WHOOOOT!!! 200th post!!! ;)
I love what the three of you have been saying about setting milestones and whatnot. But the sadness and depression manages to take so strong a hold on me that i feel this urge to try and swallow so many pills that i become unresponsive and never wake back up. I can't self-harm; i can't cut myself or anything because that'll make me that much more sadder and depressed. It upsets me just thinking about it. :'(
They say that committing suicide is no way to escape the monsters living in my head... the sickness i endure on a day-to-day basis. But for the most part it feels like it's my only way out. I have a whole lifetime as a cisgender female to look forward to after i'm dead. It's not even that i want to kill myself. I just want another lifetime and start my life all over, but with the womanhood that was taken away from me.
I love what the three of you have been saying about setting milestones and whatnot. But the sadness and depression manages to take so strong a hold on me that i feel this urge to try and swallow so many pills that i become unresponsive and never wake back up. I can't self-harm; i can't cut myself or anything because that'll make me that much more sadder and depressed. It upsets me just thinking about it. :'(
They say that committing suicide is no way to escape the monsters living in my head... the sickness i endure on a day-to-day basis. But for the most part it feels like it's my only way out. I have a whole lifetime as a cisgender female to look forward to after i'm dead. It's not even that i want to kill myself. I just want another lifetime and start my life all over, but with the womanhood that was taken away from me.
Title: Re: I gave myself an ultimatum...
Post by: SailorMars1994 on October 17, 2016, 11:30:15 AM
Post by: SailorMars1994 on October 17, 2016, 11:30:15 AM
Not to rainonf your dream but... assuming u can come back in another life, what happens if u end up a cis male... gotta also think of that. As far as I'm concerned you only have one life, when yourdead that's it. So make THIS life the best <3
Title: Re: I gave myself an ultimatum...
Post by: JMJW on October 17, 2016, 01:04:37 PM
Post by: JMJW on October 17, 2016, 01:04:37 PM
Yeah, the odds on being born human the first time, given the vastness of the universe is like winning the lottery billions of times in a row.
Title: Re: I gave myself an ultimatum...
Post by: Vervain on October 18, 2016, 07:21:25 AM
Post by: Vervain on October 18, 2016, 07:21:25 AM
There are no guarantees on reincarnation, at all. You could wind up being a cis male again. You could also wind up not being human. Who knows?
But, I really want to emphasize, it is NEVER too late to start transition. I have other trans friends who have put "deadlines" on their transition, and, without fail, there is always something that interferes, and results in it being put off. I have seen it cause nothing but make people miserable.
Can you move away from "deadlines" and focus on something more positive? The suggestion of celebrating milestones is a good one. What about setting goals for small things that are more reachable? Transition is a really big thing, and it inherently involves other people. It's not something that you alone have control over. Small things, even stuff like getting a new outfit or cosmetics, a new hair style or dye job, going outside dressed as female (if you're comfortable with that), all of those are little goals that may seem like not very much, but they are things to be celebrated, and they're much more reachable in the short term.
Big things like seeing a doctor for evaluation for HRT is a big milestone, as are some of the other suggestions. And those are great! But it sounds like right now, you could use some small goals to celebrate, to remind you that you ARE making progress, even if it doesn't feel like it. Focusing too much on the big things can make it feel like what you want is out of reach, and while I know the feeling of wanting it all right now intensely, it doesn't work that way. Even if you won the lotto or something and didn't have to worry about the financial aspect, and had the most supportive family and friends community, so that wasn't a worry either, it would still take time and it couldn't happen all at once.
So, please, consider setting yourself some small goals, and celebrating those, because they matter, too. And ditch the idea of a deadline, because that is just going to stress you out further. Transition is stressful enough on its own; you don't need a looming deadline and idea that if it doesn't start by then, you're screwed. And that's not the case. You've got time. I know the more it gets put off, the more depressing it is, and I want to offer lots and lots of hugs, but I also don't want you checking out because a self-set deadline has passed and you feel like it's too late. Cause it won't be. It really won't.
Again, *hugs offered*. <3
But, I really want to emphasize, it is NEVER too late to start transition. I have other trans friends who have put "deadlines" on their transition, and, without fail, there is always something that interferes, and results in it being put off. I have seen it cause nothing but make people miserable.
Can you move away from "deadlines" and focus on something more positive? The suggestion of celebrating milestones is a good one. What about setting goals for small things that are more reachable? Transition is a really big thing, and it inherently involves other people. It's not something that you alone have control over. Small things, even stuff like getting a new outfit or cosmetics, a new hair style or dye job, going outside dressed as female (if you're comfortable with that), all of those are little goals that may seem like not very much, but they are things to be celebrated, and they're much more reachable in the short term.
Big things like seeing a doctor for evaluation for HRT is a big milestone, as are some of the other suggestions. And those are great! But it sounds like right now, you could use some small goals to celebrate, to remind you that you ARE making progress, even if it doesn't feel like it. Focusing too much on the big things can make it feel like what you want is out of reach, and while I know the feeling of wanting it all right now intensely, it doesn't work that way. Even if you won the lotto or something and didn't have to worry about the financial aspect, and had the most supportive family and friends community, so that wasn't a worry either, it would still take time and it couldn't happen all at once.
So, please, consider setting yourself some small goals, and celebrating those, because they matter, too. And ditch the idea of a deadline, because that is just going to stress you out further. Transition is stressful enough on its own; you don't need a looming deadline and idea that if it doesn't start by then, you're screwed. And that's not the case. You've got time. I know the more it gets put off, the more depressing it is, and I want to offer lots and lots of hugs, but I also don't want you checking out because a self-set deadline has passed and you feel like it's too late. Cause it won't be. It really won't.
Again, *hugs offered*. <3
Title: Re: I gave myself an ultimatum...
Post by: JoanneB on October 19, 2016, 12:04:38 AM
Post by: JoanneB on October 19, 2016, 12:04:38 AM
After many years of fighting the "establishment" in about every way possible, aside from.... I digress, I know one absolute truth, There are no "Do Overs" if you are not waking up on the sunny side of the grass.
Setting goal/timelines is admirable. We all need a destination to sail to. But as most sailing cruisers know it is not about the destination, but the journey. The tides and the winds may not favor your plans. You just got to go with the flow
Setting goal/timelines is admirable. We all need a destination to sail to. But as most sailing cruisers know it is not about the destination, but the journey. The tides and the winds may not favor your plans. You just got to go with the flow