Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hello! My 14 year-old son recently came out to me as trans. We haven't changed names nor pronouns yet, btw...

I wonder if I might use this forum to question my son's new revelation. I promise I'm not in denial, but I do question what's going on a little.

About a month ago when he told me, he cried and I told him how brave he was and how proud I am of him, how much I love him, etc. He said he needed to go to counseling right away so he could get HRT. I told him HRT for minors was not available right away, and that he'd have to see a therapist to get that ball rolling. We went to our intake appointment where he told the therapist he has gender dysphoria and believes he's belongs in a female body. Fine & dandy, right? We just had his second appointment, which only lasted about 30 minutes (to my surprise) - when the therapist asked to speak to me about the treatment plan.

He said many things, so I'll summarize here:
He doesn't feel like he has any issues to discuss; he's happy, things are fine at home, he's not worried about bullying at school; he said he didn't see any reason to see me anymore because there are no issues to work through - no anxiety, depression, etc. He said he's just fine. He said all of his other trans teens usually have issues, and that it wasn't typical. He didn't seem convinced that my son is trans, but he wanted to "meet him where he was" and was not going to contradict him. I thanked him. He said my son was the one who suggested that he didn't need to see him anymore. When we got to the car, he said, okay, we need to get an appointment at the gender clinic now to get my HRT. I know I've told him he'd need months of counseling before they'd write a prescription.

Do I have THE MOST well-adjusted transkid in the world or could something else be going on? I'm really not convinced his questioning of his gender identity is the real issue. My gut says he is trying to figure himself out, and this seems like a good fit for now. (I have not told him anything like that, out of respect.)  He reminds me of a young, introverted Anderson Cooper. Not that that matters, just trying to paint a better picture.

I asked him in the car about the changes to his body (puberty). Background - he is VERY resistant to change. He said no, he wasn't having anxiety about his boy parts. I asked, what about those very hairy legs? He replied, "well, I don't like them, but I realize that's natural. I'd just like to shave them." If all that I've read about trans kids is correct, shouldn't he have some self-loathing or be uncomfortable body issues?

While he's not a rough-and-tumble boy, there has been no hint of femininity or a desire to be so before. He's never been interested in pretty things, girl toys, girls clothing, etc. He could care less most of his life. Last week he asked to paint his nails and did. I know he'd like longer hair...That's it.

I'm grateful that he's so at peace, but is this normal? I feel ridiculous asking because I'm looking for problems that aren't there.  I know everyone here has much more experience than I do, so I appreciate your thoughts & insights. Thanks in advance.

Wow, what a tough position to be in.

Welcome to the site.

Thank you for making the effort to learn more and being open to just want your child to be happy.

As a parent, I understand much of what you are asking. However, as the trans person in my household, I recognize some of my experience in what you describe. I am not saying that they are transgender.  I am not sure, only they can figure that out for themselves. Perhaps they are just experimenting. Perhaps they are gender fluid but not totally on one end or the other of the trans spectrum.

It does sound unusual. However, there are many different ways that being trans presents itself. We don't all have the same "symptoms" or one narrative. Is there another therapist they could meet with? You are correct, it will take a few visits before a therapist will write a letter suggesting HRT. Typically if they are under 18 only an anti-androgen is prescribed. It is rare that minors start taking hormones of the desired sex till they can legally decide or puberty is done. Anti-androgens block testosterone from being further delivered. Basically stops puberty from progressing. The doctors would need your approval to even do this(I think, I am not a legal expert).

There are others with more experience interacting with youth going through some of this. I will leave that to them but please feel free to reach out to me.

I also want to share some links with you. They are mostly welcome information and the rules that govern the site. If you have not had a chance to look through them, please take a moment to:

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by  (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,2.0.html)
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,54369.0.html)
  
• Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar) (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,114.0.html.)
  
• Reputation rules (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,18960.0.html)
  
• News posting & quoting guidelines (https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,174951.0.html)
  
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Once again, welcome to Susan's. Look around, ask questions and join in.

With warmth,

Joanna

He sounds like he could be non binary to me. Here's a link which may help http://nonbinary.org/wiki/Main_Page.  Or he could be the kind of trans person who simply feels uncomfortable being male and would  feel more comfortable living as female.

There's a lot of cliches when it comes to trans people not helped by mainstream media. Not all trans people have dysphoria. Not all trans women are feminine; same for non trans females. Not all trans people knew they were trans at a young age. Not all trans people hate their bodies or want surgeries or/and HRT.

A good gender therapist will be able to prescribe hormone blockers which will stop further male puberty. It'll buy your son some time to think things through while going to counselling.

Btw; you're doing a great job as a parent :)

Quote from: HappyHour on October 26, 2016, 02:01:00 PM
Hello! My 14 year-old son recently came out to me as trans. We haven't changed names nor pronouns yet, btw...

I wonder if I might use this forum to question my son's new revelation. I promise I'm not in denial, but I do question what's going on a little.

About a month ago when he told me, he cried and I told him how brave he was and how proud I am of him, how much I love him, etc. He said he needed to go to counseling right away so he could get HRT. I told him HRT for minors was not available right away, and that he'd have to see a therapist to get that ball rolling. We went to our intake appointment where he told the therapist he has gender dysphoria and believes he's belongs in a female body. Fine & dandy, right? We just had his second appointment, which only lasted about 30 minutes (to my surprise) - when the therapist asked to speak to me about the treatment plan.

He said many things, so I'll summarize here:
He doesn't feel like he has any issues to discuss; he's happy, things are fine at home, he's not worried about bullying at school; he said he didn't see any reason to see me anymore because there are no issues to work through - no anxiety, depression, etc. He said he's just fine. He said all of his other trans teens usually have issues, and that it wasn't typical. He didn't seem convinced that my son is trans, but he wanted to "meet him where he was" and was not going to contradict him. I thanked him. He said my son was the one who suggested that he didn't need to see him anymore. When we got to the car, he said, okay, we need to get an appointment at the gender clinic now to get my HRT. I know I've told him he'd need months of counseling before they'd write a prescription.

Do I have THE MOST well-adjusted transkid in the world or could something else be going on? I'm really not convinced his questioning of his gender identity is the real issue. My gut says he is trying to figure himself out, and this seems like a good fit for now. (I have not told him anything like that, out of respect.)  He reminds me of a young, introverted Anderson Cooper. Not that that matters, just trying to paint a better picture.

I asked him in the car about the changes to his body (puberty). Background - he is VERY resistant to change. He said no, he wasn't having anxiety about his boy parts. I asked, what about those very hairy legs? He replied, "well, I don't like them, but I realize that's natural. I'd just like to shave them." If all that I've read about trans kids is correct, shouldn't he have some self-loathing or be uncomfortable body issues?

While he's not a rough-and-tumble boy, there has been no hint of femininity or a desire to be so before. He's never been interested in pretty things, girl toys, girls clothing, etc. He could care less most of his life. Last week he asked to paint his nails and did. I know he'd like longer hair...That's it.

I'm grateful that he's so at peace, but is this normal? I feel ridiculous asking because I'm looking for problems that aren't there.  I know everyone here has much more experience than I do, so I appreciate your thoughts & insights. Thanks in advance.

Many eons ago when I was 13 and puberty hit I developed like a girl even though I was supposed to be a boy. I never showed any signs of being transgender in public, I did so in private with the door shut and locked,yes I had a lock on my door to keep my middle sister out so she would not know I wore her underthings and clothes,later when I got taller I started to wear my mom's clothes. I'm proud your son/daughter can come out and tell mom,even though my parents watched shows with crossdressing and gender issue's,I didn't come out to my mom til I was 35 and showed her Cheryl at first she didn't recognize me and was taken aback when I spoke to her. A gender clinic might be more of help to both of you.. I don't do hormones or want surgery because I found a beautiful woman who like both sides of me and I've gotten used to bouncing around.

It also varies. Some have a lot more dysphoria about some things than others. And some things not at all.
Who knows, maybe they will have an utter fit about facial hair coming through at some point. Or maybe not.

I mean, it's better to explore the possibility now than to suddenly decide at the age of 50 that they are and risking their career and livelihood. Also, leg hair appears on both sexes, so there might be less dysphoria than you might expect for that.
I was speaking to someone the other day who absolutely freaks out about facial hair, but is kind of meh about body hair.

Or perhaps, it would be an extremely masculine face which pushes them over the edge.

There are as many different transgender histories or stories as there are people. I wouldn't read anything into the fact that (he/she?) didn't show a lot of signs earlier on. I see a general trend and it is true with me, that when someone comes to terms with being trans, they do tend to be in a hurry to progress. It is a very powerful feeling that makes you want to fix what the person sees as wrong. My opinion is that it would be beneficial for your child to talk to someone for a while. Actual experience in front of family and friends can be difficult at least to start. I believe that actual experience is a great way for someone to figure out their reality. Making plans based on theory alone is not as good as experiencing what it really feels like to be seen in a different gender.
You sound like a wonderful Mom. Kudos  to you for your acceptance and understanding.
Monica

Welcome to Susan's Place. I have found there are two different types of dysphoria. You may be uncomfortable with your body or your social role. I was primarily the social role and realized what I was at age 13. Had treatment been available to me, I suspect I would have been pretty well adjusted because other than living with being transsexual for about 14 without proper treatment, I was and am pretty well adjusted.

For me depression started in the latter teens as the impact of being outside all social life set in. Girls no longer accepted me in their social circles and I only had a few male friends that I was limited in what I could share. The friends I had where more or less outsiders themselves.

Normally the game plan would be to start with blocker drugs that would suppress testosterone. This will give your child addition time to decide what would be best. If male is the desired role, discontinuing the blockers will allow normal male development to resume. Estrogen can be added in the future and feminine development will take place. One reason for doing this is the gender identity may not be set yet. In my case I think it existed from about age 3 or 4 and was consistent but I didn't understand why I was different until puberty hit.

Something you might want to look at is our WIKI  (https://www.susans.org/wiki/Transgender). The term transgender is very broad. You should be aware of the different forms it could take in your child. In addition, you child is welcome on the site. The information and discussion may help firm up your child's feelings.

Hi Mom and welcome to the site,

Thank you for being so receptive to your child.

Is it possible for you to give some information on where you are? Country at least? I do have professional contact with two paediatric gender units in Australia and may be able to advise you further if I knew where you are.

Cindy

Hi New Mom,

It's also possible your child isn't being entirely forthcoming with the therapist.  She (I'm going to assume this pronoun for a second) might think she needs to present as completely well-adjusted so she can get through the gatekeeping process and get onto HRT/androgen blockers as quickly as possible.  She might also be deeply repressing any dysphoria, because it's very unpleasant and sometimes it's just easier on a day-to-day basis to bury it.

I'd actually suggest seeking out androgen blockers as quickly as possible, because the long-term effects of testosterone can be hugely debilitating, not to mention expensive to overcome, assuming your child is truly female in spirit. 

Which is the big assumption.  Now, she's wanting to paint her nails, and shave her legs... but maybe she doesn't feel like she can really do those things yet, because of obvious social issues.  Maybe she's not expressing her dysphoria because she doesn't want to see you getting sad and upset.  There's one thing you could try, though... start addressing her with female pronouns.  Consistently, at least for one whole day, and see how she responds.  Because if you aren't doing at least that, she might think that deep down you aren't ready for her.

I'm going to be the voice of caution here.  The fact that your son has shown no signs of TG feelings prior to your discussion with him does ring warning bells.

In my early childhood, apart from wanting to be friends with the girls in school and, from time to time, being a girl in my nighttime dreams, I never had any TG feelings.  It was only when I got to puberty and, initially, got sexual feelings from dressing in my mother's clothes (no sisters, sadly!) that I started experimenting.  I can remember sometimes having an overwhelming desire to be female, fuelled in no small way by accounts of the transitions of Jan Morris & Renee Richards and nearly telling my parents of my feelings on more than one occasion.

However, these feelings have been very transient and have come and gone over the ensuing 4 decades.  In fact, earlier this year, I had my strongest feelings of dysphoria so far and had come to terms with the fact that I may need to transition in some shape or form.  Now those feelings have subsided and, apart from the nagging wish that I had been born female, I have no current desire to transition or even to cross dress.  I know that the urges will return as they always do but I also know that they will subsequently subside, again as they always do.

My point here is that if, when I had the overwhelming urge to tell my parents, I had done so and if the 1970s were as enlightened to TG issues as the 2010s are, I may have been led down a path that was ultimately wrong.

I think you have an incredibly difficult challenge to face here.  If your son is truly TG, then you and he need to take steps to keep his options open (i.e. puberty blockers) and give him the support he needs; if it's 'just a phase' that he will grown out of then you need to make sure he is not led down inappropriate paths by over-enthusiastic professionals (and, ironically, the UK press is currently carrying a couple of stories pertaining to this issue).  The problem is, you have no way of knowing which is the right and the consequences of getting it wrong in both cases are far reaching.

I must stress that these opinions are my own and have no professional grounding.  However, if my son (who is starting to show signs of entering puberty and, like yours, has never shown any signs of wanting to change) suddenly announed that he wanted to be a girl, I would give him support but equally would want to make very small steps to ensure that he did not feel forced into something that was, ultimately, not appropriate.

Hi Happyhour

Well done, just being here is a great start. I probably can't add much to the discussion other than maybe don't discount the fear factor. Your son may not be trans but to come out and tell not just a parent but a therapist is a huge accomplishment which would have involved all sorts of fear. They may just be really scared and terrified of someone telling them what they are experiencing is not real or a whim or fabricated or a phase...

I think the amount of determination required is huge...given enough time I am sure it will become clearer. Do they want to experiment at home with a particular look or way of presenting, just to try and see what's comfortable. Again this may still be a really challenging thing for them especially if they are fearful.I know how terrified I was 40 years ago trying to tell my conservative catholic parents I had a problem and I can't imagine it was any easier for them to tell you.

You are doing a fantastic job
Hugs
Liz

Hi Happy hour;
If you are in the United Kingdom, there is a fantastic youth support group run by a delightful Mum (tracey) who has a transgendered son - aged 16 based in Torquay. Drop me a line if you want to link up with the group.

Judith