Community Conversation => Transitioning => Therapy => Topic started by: EyesOpen on November 06, 2016, 07:45:06 AM Return to Full Version
Title: First therapy session
Post by: EyesOpen on November 06, 2016, 07:45:06 AM
Post by: EyesOpen on November 06, 2016, 07:45:06 AM
Yesterday I started seeing a gender therapist at Choices Consulting (http://choicesconsulting.com/) in Albany, NY. It went well. The staff there is led by Arlene Istar Lev, who's name I've found in various places such as the WPATH SOC and various other pro-trans publication, and everyone I've met there is kind, understanding, and supportive.
It feels so great to know that I have someone to completely open up with, is knowledgeable, and has absolutely no involvement in my daily life. It's surprising to me that I could open up so much to a complete stranger, but as others have pointed out, we tend to explode when we're finally able to comfortably talk about our gender identity, so...*gushes*.
We just went through a standard evaluation: childhood, home life, etc. The questions made me think about things that I've not thought about in years, so already I feel a bit more connected to my life by remembering my past. We got into a small discussion of gender and my history of periodic cross dressing / feminization attempts, which of course will likely be the main discussion point in the future.
Despite how well the session went, I've been having a really tough time since. I feel like a freak, like anyone who would know this side of me would just write me off as a pervert. It's clear that my fears and insecurities are a big issue for me. At one point she asked what I would do in a perfect world without the trans* cultural stigmas, and my reply: I'd transition in a heartbeat. But that's not the world we live in, and I need to figure out how I can transition enough to feel better but still keep it private, at least until I'm comfortable enough with myself that I could deal with all the negativity.
It's such a big, scary thing right now. The session made this all very real, very fast, and I've sort of crashed since then. I just want to be me, but all of my fears keep me from letting it out some days. I spent a good chunk of yesterday crying with my wife, lamenting that I wish I'd just been born a girl so I could be ME without fear of judgement. My current hope is that a low-dose HRT will help ease some of the internal tension.
Next visit (in 2 weeks) we're going to talk about HRT. I've been chomping at the bit to start, but she wants to spend a session discussing it before giving it a thumbs up. NY is an informed consent state, but I still want to have her on board with it, so I'm trying to be patient...
Oh, and I finally have an excuse to make a ticker :P
It feels so great to know that I have someone to completely open up with, is knowledgeable, and has absolutely no involvement in my daily life. It's surprising to me that I could open up so much to a complete stranger, but as others have pointed out, we tend to explode when we're finally able to comfortably talk about our gender identity, so...*gushes*.
We just went through a standard evaluation: childhood, home life, etc. The questions made me think about things that I've not thought about in years, so already I feel a bit more connected to my life by remembering my past. We got into a small discussion of gender and my history of periodic cross dressing / feminization attempts, which of course will likely be the main discussion point in the future.
Despite how well the session went, I've been having a really tough time since. I feel like a freak, like anyone who would know this side of me would just write me off as a pervert. It's clear that my fears and insecurities are a big issue for me. At one point she asked what I would do in a perfect world without the trans* cultural stigmas, and my reply: I'd transition in a heartbeat. But that's not the world we live in, and I need to figure out how I can transition enough to feel better but still keep it private, at least until I'm comfortable enough with myself that I could deal with all the negativity.
It's such a big, scary thing right now. The session made this all very real, very fast, and I've sort of crashed since then. I just want to be me, but all of my fears keep me from letting it out some days. I spent a good chunk of yesterday crying with my wife, lamenting that I wish I'd just been born a girl so I could be ME without fear of judgement. My current hope is that a low-dose HRT will help ease some of the internal tension.
Next visit (in 2 weeks) we're going to talk about HRT. I've been chomping at the bit to start, but she wants to spend a session discussing it before giving it a thumbs up. NY is an informed consent state, but I still want to have her on board with it, so I'm trying to be patient...
Oh, and I finally have an excuse to make a ticker :P
Title: Re: First therapy session
Post by: DawnOday on November 06, 2016, 05:40:40 PM
Post by: DawnOday on November 06, 2016, 05:40:40 PM
Despite how well the session went, I've been having a really tough time since. I feel like a freak, like anyone who would know this side of me would just write me off as a pervert. It's clear that my fears and insecurities are a big issue for me. At one point she asked what I would do in a perfect world without the trans* cultural stigmas, and my reply: I'd transition in a heartbeat. But that's not the world we live in, and I need to figure out how I can transition enough to feel better but still keep it private, at least until I'm comfortable enough with myself that I could deal with all the negativity.
You described my first couple meetings with my therapist to a t. We decided I was not a pervert but a person in conflict between the assigned gender and the one I felt was more in sync with my mindset and my experience. Rebuilding self esteem, is a long process. I haven't mastered that yet but am working on it. You will too.
You described my first couple meetings with my therapist to a t. We decided I was not a pervert but a person in conflict between the assigned gender and the one I felt was more in sync with my mindset and my experience. Rebuilding self esteem, is a long process. I haven't mastered that yet but am working on it. You will too.
Title: Re: First therapy session
Post by: EyesOpen on November 06, 2016, 06:32:11 PM
Post by: EyesOpen on November 06, 2016, 06:32:11 PM
Thanks Dawn :) It's one of those things I know in my head, but still get anxiety about. I judge myself harshly before I even give anyone else a chance to :/
Here's hoping that HRT and therapy start chipping away at that soon. It'd be great to stop worrying and just enjoy it!
Here's hoping that HRT and therapy start chipping away at that soon. It'd be great to stop worrying and just enjoy it!