Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I read posts on Susan's where people come out to family, friends, co-workers, strangers in all different ways and time-lines.  I'm just curious as to what the majority thinks.  For me I'm telling everyone right from the start.  I use words like, "No one knows how long... it might take years... it might be months... but eventually you will see a different person than you do today."

How about you?

When the pain of being inauthentic exceeds the pain of embarrassment and shame. For me, it's just my therapist, wife,  one friend and of course all of you here. Being married for almost 22 years with 5 kids complicates things. My wife has known before we were married, but is less open to me being trans now than then. She thinks people are static, so I must have been dishonest then to the extent of my transness. It's been a tough last year and I grow weary of playing a role that isn't all me. The sad thing for me is not being able to get through to her what it's like for me. Every analogy fails. I love her unconditionally, I wish she would love me unconditionally too. As far as telling others, I'm getting to the point where I just want to be Trudie and I don't care what anyone thinks. I've lived long enough with this curse.


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Seems like there are none but All or Nothing choices

For me, transitioning started from the inside. Foremost was changing how I saw myself, loosing the Shame and the Guilt acquired from a lifetime of being trans and stuffing. I have no doubt that as I accomplished that feat I outwardly changed in how I interacted in the world around me. And no one noticed, at least ever mentioned anything about it.

I eventually started HRT and now have a sort of B cup depending on the bra. I still presented as male. And no one noticed, at least ever mentioned anything about it.

So why say anything if no one else has and no changes are on the immediate horizon?

To maintain the many other aspects of Me and my universe, for now I still need to present as male. Most days I would love to present full-time as female to be that much more the fully authentic me. Only a few days I feel I NEED to. When that balance changes then there will need to be "The Announcement", followed by the shock of seeing that old 6ft tall bald guy morph into the almost polar opposite

I told people in advance. Had I everything to do over again, I would have used delay tactics, or just disappear, but I don't think it was possible for me to know this at that time, back in the day. Or, I dunno, maybe I just did what I had to do.

The thing about coming out is that it's a ritual, whereby you ask people to treat you differently.  And early in transition, this is probably the only way to start getting gendered correctly.  But how good people actually are at this, well, it varies.  Some are spiritual masters and get it right away.  Others dig in their heels and resist, regardless of what you do.  A few can make the jump, but only after you've changed your body enough to naturally elicit female gendering in the first place.  And some very well-meaning people will be initially supportive, but struggle to get it right and slowly develop an antipathy to the whole endeavor.

I think it really depends on how you think your life is going to go.  If you're young, you don't have kids, and you plan on going all the way to where you wouldn't get clocked unless you outed yourself, well... it might be best to just tell a few trusted family members and hole up in the trans community until you're ready to break out.  Because in my experience, very few people who knew me from before were even capable of gendering me properly; everyone else I had to leave behind anyways.  And it would have been so much easier, in hindsight, to simply ghost out. 

I boiled the frog.

Did everything I wanted to without exception and as I grew and changed organically people at work etc didn't even consider the possibility instead the probably just felt health freak and/or midlife crisis.

When my spidersense tingled for it being the right time I dropped the T bomb at work via email leaving a lot of people just going "Ah now I get it" then going back to business. Was like a total nonevent same everywhere else even church, school etc

Sounds dead easy and tbh it really was but I have been really lucky that way. No issues at all at any time just being me and it's great. Think the gods are trying to make amends for the first 37 years ;)

I would go with option 3, the delay. As is, due to my long hair and general demeanor I get ma'amed on occasion any how, at least until they notice my "I'm to lazy to shave properly" beard. Then it's "oops, sorry sir". In either case I don't correct them since I'm neither out to those who would need to know, nor am I in a position currently to be even if those I felt needed to know knew.

As is, Ive only recently (as in the last year or so) accepted the feelings I've had since I was a teen myself. I'd rather have someone see a a slow shift and come to the conclusion themselves than just " drop the bomb" on them.

Not sure any of the options would apply to me since I am taking a mixed approach. I did come out to some close friends and a few others before I will go on hormones later this year but I will keep it from the majority until I can no longer hide the (hopeful) changes...

Sarah - for the people I "pass in the hall/street" I don't plan on telling them.  But those I'm on a first name basis with on a daily basis, they all know now. 

I was originally considering not saying anything and let them figure it out, but with the hair growing out and nicely manicured (no polish...yet) nails and I'm not trying to be all macho (OMG YUCK!) and hang with the "guys" any more people were going to talk.  I wanted to set the record straight to create a buffer between me and "them" with friends.  So far it's working.