Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Like others  I've been confronted by this curious way of experiencing life. I've lived with this for 65 years. It's been quite a trip. For a long time it was this powerful wave pushing me forcing me to try to deal with it. For all those years it controlled me and I had no clue as to why, it was something I had to deal with on a daily bases too afraid to reach out. I finally began the long overdue process of transition and a whole new perspective awakened in me. I found Susan's and realized what a powerful tool this represented in try to find help and answers . I think others are aware that I seem to post a lot. I find delving into the trans topic is quite liberating. I'm so interested in trying to understand this situation of gender identity. I'm just curious how others view their situation  of being born trans . Do you feel its something to be understood or is it something that you just need to learn to deal with on a practical  level or a combination of a lot of things. Sorry I'm just curious.

Quote from: stephaniec on November 08, 2016, 10:41:52 PM
Like others  I've been confronted by this curious way of experiencing life. I've lived with this for 65 years. It's been quite a trip. For a long time it was this powerful wave pushing me forcing me to try to deal with it. For all those years it controlled me and I had no clue as to why, it was something I had to deal with on a daily bases too afraid to reach out. I finally began the long overdue process of transition and a whole new perspective awakened in me. I found Susan's and realized what a powerful tool this represented in try to find help and answers . I think others are aware that I seem to post a lot. I find delving into the trans topic is quite liberating. I'm so interested in trying to understand this situation of gender identity. I'm just curious how others view their situation  of being born trans . Do you feel its something to be understood or is it something that you just need to learn to deal with on a practical  level or a combination of a lot of things. Sorry I'm just curious.

To be honest i could tell you something today and it change tomorrow
But let me say this: Don't say sorry you've done nothing wrong sorry is word given when someone does something wrong or feels bad. So don't feel bad you're asking a question and the reason being you're curious and that is enough and okay. I'm someone who attempts to deal with being transgender but i don't think i've completely grasped that as much as i believed i did, and i struggle with this because i struggle understanding why even when people tell me it's my brain and it's who i am inside. I still struggle to grasp that concept, and i ask myself why me?
But despite all of this i also think i'm someone who is both because as much as i struggle,question and deal with it but i also try to understand why and i think trying to understand why is a very common and sought out thing for our community being the world shames us so bad that sometimes we just want to understand everything to help them and us for the better. I also want to say you had a very good question despite what anyone may or may not think
it was a good question because you where curious and a good question because it also made me think and a question that also makes me think i always enjoy reading.

thanks

I would love to know why?, but it does not eat me up inside or have me worrying day in day out, I am very happy being me and enjoy my life so much more, and I am only out to 3 people.
For anyone who has a problem with me, I don't even spend two brain cells think about those people!
I am happy, people need to stop worrying about these types of questions, if both trans and cis people never cared to think about it, it wouldn't be a thing!

It's a medical issue, not all of which have obvious answers at this point..

Other.

To me it was never a matter of "being trans" so much as "needing to be gendered female."  In other words, it was always about the dysphoria.  And I don't think "trans" really captures that particular experience or need.  If anything, I think it tends to obscure it.  Which makes sense, because dysphoria really really sucks. 

Understanding that the issue was dysphoria, and that the path to alleviating it was getting the gendering I needed, it was a lot easier to focus on what I had to do to make that reality happen.  Which then led into really examining and understanding how we construct gender -- not just the "we" who experience GD, but the rest of the world which doesn't. Because lo and behold, if gender is socially constructed (and I'm pretty damn sure it is), then we have to figure out how to navigate a social experience which is going to extend beyond our safe little enclave. 

I think most of us need a particular sort of gendering, and it's most beneficial to keep that in mind as we consider our choices for moving forward, whether you consider yourself "trans" or not.

I feel that asking why is like asking why my eyes have the color they do. I became aware of my gender at the age of three, when my sister was born.

Had to put other for when I had a weird puberty,i started to research on my own to find what was wrong with me and learned to be good at disguise so I could survive.

For me things changed a lot when I realized my dysphoria is a medical condition, probably due to prenatal event. I read several converging studies on the topic, for example "The gendered self" book by Anne Vitale. These scientific results happened to be key for me to understand why I could not get rid of my dysphoria through a psychological approach, in spite of a strong desire to be "normal". And this is for me confirmed by the effect of low dose HRT, calming my dysphoria since 18 months, although I still present as a male.

I sure wish I could weigh in on your question, but not having the benefit (if you could call it that) of living in male mode and experiencing the world as male makes it difficult for me to respond. For me, it is like you asking why I am female and how I deal with it. I know that sounds strange.  Trans is not a word or state of being I identify with -- but I know that is what my physical body is/was. When I was in my early teens, the difficulty it presented was in dating and probably not being able to consummate what I was feeling towards my love interest because of my insecurity and warnings from my parents (and that is a good thing). My sisters, on the other hand, never really saw it as a danger for me, but we did talk about our boyfriends. Rarely was the 'peepee' thing mentioned -- if ever.

All I really need to know is that it is a medical condition.  Knowing that is helpful in keeping guilt and shame at bay.  Having said that, I am pretty sure I know the reason in my case: DES.  It doesn't really matter, though.  That is in the past.  It's the present and future I'm more interested in.

I tried to understand it. For a long, long time. It made my head hurt. It was akin to trying to understand the meaning of life. Like trying to understand why I enjoy poetry, or the colour blue. Or Pringles.

One day I changed the "Why am I...?" to "I am..." and that made my head hurt less. So that's kind of how I've been ever since. It allows me to look outward towards the beauty in the world, rather than inwards to the tangled, twisted mess inside my own head. And I much prefer that, lol. If there is an answer, I figure it will find me when I'm not looking for it. Like car keys.

that's what happened to me , I just said yes I am

thanks for all the replies

In the beginning I wondered what the cause was. I thought that I could possibly be intersexed, but I had a normal karyotype test, so I'm not. I thought that perhaps there was some other reason like androgen insensitivity, but my body length compared to my leg length doesn't fit the criteria, so eventually I stopped caring why, because it really isn't that important to me anymore. And  one of the biggest reasons why I even cared anyway was so that I could justify my transiton to others by presenting some type of biological reason for my feelings and core identity, in hopes that it would have somehow made my social transition easier and given me the golden ticket of acceptance.

I just finally came to accept myself so it really  doesn't matter so much as to why. I just find science interesting and science fiction too.

Understanding that I am definitely trans was more important than why I am trans. That knowledge changed my life. Knowing why I am like I am was important mostly when I came out. I made sure people knew this wasn't a whim or a choice. When you look forward to going to bed at 4 years old so  you can dream about being a girl, it tells me that there is no decision aspect to this. The idea that some hormonal event happened is a good enough explanation to me. In my case, if I focus too much on a "cause" it is uncomfortable. I want to accept myself. I don't want to point to something like I'm saying, "See, it's not my fault."  I guess after denying being trans  for so long, I want ownership of me rather than focusing on an excuse as to why I am me.
Moni
PS Just to be clear. This is my way, not a criticism of the way others see things. :)

I got hit at 4 too

I put some thought and reading into it. I think I hoped to explain it away so I could have a reason to bury it as if it was dirty.

In the end it's developmental so it "just is" and that's all it needs to be. My breakthrough came when I finally admitted it both to myself and my SO. It was so freeing to hear that I was not defect for being me.

Also was first felt around 4 .

For me, "coping" has never been an option. I'm not going to sit around and let my problem become my curse. I want to know why it happened and I'm all for research that can both fix it and prevent it from happening to other people. The medical technology is there. Penis transplants for FTMs are starting in 2017 and regenerative medicine and genetic engineering have shown that biological sex changes and printed, functional ovaries are both possible. Soon there will be a lot less transgender people who will have to live through hell for diversity's sake, unless that's what they choose to do.

Other: Basically, no, and I don't hate anything about it. That's just how I am, and I consider the question "why are you trans" as beneficial as "why are you cis".

Of course, one might think about what trans* is and why some people are trans* and others aren't, but this is a rather academical question and when thinking about it, ethical implications (like: is this asked as a neutral question or does it separate people into "valuable" and "less valuable" people?) should always be kept in mind.

At the beginning. I cared more about the reason why, but there's no point. I am having a hard time going through the days... seeing people getting married, having kids, raising a family, and here I am just waiting for a someday that probably will never happened. If 1 is a man, and 2 is a woman, and 3 equals a child, then all the 2's of my life will never give me what I want. And I will never have a child. Simple math like that.

There's no point in caring the reason why, it just is. It's like why am I born human and not an insect or an alien from the planet X. No reason. It's a combination of an infinite possibilities that occur that created my existence.

I understand why I'm partially transmale, and I also found a way to deal with it.

In my case, my brother was born 11 months before I was, so I absorbed his male hormones in the womb. This is common, even in animals.

Although my body developed as female in the first trimester, in the second trimester, the loose male hormones formatted my right brain hemisphere forming a male personality, and my normal female hormones formatted my left side.
Studies show that male traits mostly stay on the right, and female traits on the left brain hemispheres.

The proof is in my finger lengths..my ring fingers are longer than my index fingers, indicating strong influence of prenatal male hormone.

Long ring fingers are also associated with higher occurrence of varying levels of dyslexia, high level musical ability, ability to visualize concepts in engineering, physical abilities, ability to maintain a mental map, and male-like behavior in women, including me.

The extra male hormone can be caused by many reasons; heredity, stress, drugs taken during pregnancy, or things like a woman having recently given birth to a male. Residual testosterone can be absorbed in the womb by a female baby born soon afterward as what happened to me.

http://viewzone2.com/fingers.html

Since I have both male and female hormone brain formatting, I have both a male and a female personality. My male mode is stronger but my female side is bossier.

The constant conflict of the gender sides caused stress, and the predominance of the male side caused dysphoria. When I looked in the mirror I didn't recognize the reflection as my own and couldn't look at my photos.

I solved most of the dysphoria problems when I discovered that the common Thai herb used to cure back pain, derris scandens, also integrated my dyslexic brain and blended my gender sides..I feel like one person now.

Here's a link to one source of derris scandens, in case it is able to help someone else. If nothing else, it's a great muscle relaxer, with no side effects.   http://www.oasis-stad.com/product.php?id_product=518

thanks for the replies

I found this older poll and voted.

For many years I tried to learn as much about this condition as I could, I read research papers, articles, books, all things trans. Having accepted myself, I have worked toward optimizing my life giving the circumstances I was given.

I don't worry about it like I used to, it just is.

C -

Quote from: KathyLauren on November 09, 2016, 09:05:05 AM
All I really need to know is that it is a medical condition.  Knowing that is helpful in keeping guilt and shame at bay.  Having said that, I am pretty sure I know the reason in my case: DES.  It doesn't really matter, though.  That is in the past.  It's the present and future I'm more interested in.

Quote from: HappyMoni on November 09, 2016, 08:53:15 PM
Understanding that I am definitely trans was more important than why I am trans. That knowledge changed my life. Knowing why I am like I am was important mostly when I came out. I made sure people knew this wasn't a whim or a choice. When you look forward to going to bed at 4 years old so  you can dream about being a girl, it tells me that there is no decision aspect to this. The idea that some hormonal event happened is a good enough explanation to me. In my case, if I focus too much on a "cause" it is uncomfortable. I want to accept myself. I don't want to point to something like I'm saying, "See, it's not my fault."  I guess after denying being trans  for so long, I want ownership of me rather than focusing on an excuse as to why I am me.
Moni
PS Just to be clear. This is my way, not a criticism of the way others see things. :)

I fought it for so long....

Understanding that I'm a DES daughter (are there really any DES sons?) may provide an explanation - but it doesn't matter...

I've always been this way.  Yes I repressed it; lived up to the expectations put upon me as AMAB - or so I thought....

Do I try to understand?  Maybe in my past; I did.  Now I just accept that this is how God made me.  I look around and realize how blest I am.  How many people in the world can have an idea of what both genders feel like?  How many can understand and empathize with a cis male and a cis female?   

Yes it's medical.  My hormones were all screwed up.  20 years of antidepressants only gave me the side effects.  4 weeks of Estradiol and I finally found the peace I had been so desperately seeking.

A little understanding helps.  But we can't focus on it.  We simply have to live each day as it comes.  So I guess I just deal with it.


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For me, it's a merely academic question, and only interesting on that level.

Emotionally? I don't want or need an explanation. I get to be a girl!  :D I'm too busy doing cartwheels to look a gift horse in the mouth!

I already know why I am Trans(or more precisely a woman).  It is as simple as breathing, you just know who you are.  That is why I don't particularly believe in de-transition as a construct of going back to your 'previous gender'.  Transition is difficult, and sometimes deciding to live in a body non-congruent is easier to deal with.  But you cant change who you are, you can only suppress it.  On the side of 'dealing with it', you're presented with a problem and you can chose your own way to 'deal with it'.  Be it transition or not. Understanding and dealing with it are not exclusive.

Dysphoria is a problem of society, it is where things like confusion and pain arise from due to everything that needs to be dealt with.  From passing, to fitting into groups, religion, family.  Things that in a perfect society would mostly be non-factors.  It is where you find denial in who you are.  In a perfect society gender expression, and identity would not be something questioned or cared about.  But we've a long way to go before we reach that point.  People fear homogeneity and for good reasons, but that couldn't be further from the truth if you open humanity to explore the parts of their existence openly and without fear of repercussion.

Never tried to understand as just dealt with it.
We are who we are, we do what we do. There is no try. x

I tried to dig up answers to the why for some time. Was it a childhood experience, was my mother taking drugs while I was in the womb, was it stress she experienced while I was in the womb, was it my genes?... I don't know. I don't think I'll ever know the answer to that one. There just isn't enough information on offer. Even science doesn't know yet so I'm not sure what hope I've got of getting to the bottom of it.

I'm ok with not knowing why exactly, but it's harder to deal with the idea of having this problem/issue/condition when you've convinced yourself in life that every problem you might have is a solveable one, like I have. I was brought up to believe there is nothing you cannot overcome but I know now that's not really true. Some things just are and cannot be side-stepped or denied or ignored. Practically, it's not difficult to live with it if I convince myself to just get on with things. Philosophically though, I have some issues dealing with the idea that I must be missing essential parts of the average human experience and will never have them. That caused me some bitterness and resentment. I can feel and know that I am fundamentally incomplete now, and I am not sure how to reconcile myself with it just yet. I'll find a way though, of course. 

Finally understanding who I am is all I really need. As to why the physical and the mental did not match up in the womb is biology and chemistry well beyond my schooling. I have a solid case to claim being a "DES" baby, which evidently increases the chance of being a trans women by 30x (not 30%, but 30x). I feel that if I started waiving that as "the reason" it would be an excuse. Something to "blame". I do not want or need something to blame as i do not see myself as a victim. I just accept it as one of the many unique things about me that I cherish.

Ricki