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Hello, I am at home now, I had FFS at Wednesday. I contracted a high fever, so I won't stay long...

I had nearly everyting: chin, jaw, nose, type 3 forehead sinus removal, orbital recontouring, hairline lowering, brow raising, zygoma arch ostetomy, facelift, and liposuction from chin, all in one go...

SURGERY TIME: 9 HOURS!

My God... it's is worse than SRS... so much pain, vomiting blood the 1st day. I have never been so deep in Hell, because is what it felt like. I was staying in hospital, so I had good access to medication. Morphine, and paracetamol. Morphine made me nauseous so I went with paracetamol only.

I think it was too much... the worse thing is the nose, had anxiety with breathing for 2 days. Then, I got used to it.  :laugh: >:( :o ??? it is so weird.... so much to talk about, but too much pain and fever to think clearly.

I am slowing healing, chin packing is gone. Remarkebly, ther was very little swelling. sorry for spell mistakes, it is so hard to type right now. Feels like I am hammering nails!

Big hug! Feel better soon, and thanks for updating us.  :)

Hugs, Devlyn

Thank you Devlyn Marie!

Did this all alone... so hard when I have no-one to care for me.... all hugs are very welcome

You do have a tough row to hoe. Which surgeon did you go to?

Local maxillofacial surgeon, specialist in trauma surgery and works in The Netherlands. His interest lies in facial surgery, and he met Noorman van der Dussen to discuss my case.  :) I was the first transwoman he did. I went on my gut feeling. It never let me down in my life. And I think he did a marvelous job. Swelling is much less than I often see. My eyes weren't black/bloody and no bruising around my eyes. Only bruising is around jaw. Little bit of green/black.

It really helps to write here, it takes my mind away from healing.

Another big thing was taking a hot shower. Absolutely amazing, it felt Like I was in heaven. Althoughh I had to avoid the face.... I may shower the face/hair sunday. They already washed my hair in the operatind room, when they were finished. Yet it still has scabs and blood.

Oh, that shower at home! that boosted my morale.

Quote from: 2cherry on November 11, 2016, 02:03:27 PM
It really helps to write here, it takes my mind away from healing.

Another big thing was taking a hot shower. Absolutely amazing, it felt Like I was in heaven. Althoughh I had to avoid the face.... I may shower the face/hair sunday. They already washed my hair in the operatind room, when they were finished. Yet it still has scabs and blood.

Oh, that shower at home! that boosted my morale.

I have had a very minor thing with hair implants only and I get the whole " in the shower" and what a relief it is . I can't imagine what the last few days have been like for you especially since you have been on your own.

That is one heck of a lot of work to have done in one go. I am having Rhinoplasty only in two months and that is going to be bad enough on its own without adding in all the stuff you had.

Sounds like you are feeling a bit better now? Have you got you nausea under control? Peppermint tea can help with that or ginger tea if you prefer. Hope you are keeping your fluids up...I can't imagine even completing a simple task would be very easy?  hope you have a reasonable day today

Hugs
Liz

Oh 2Cherry thank you for coming on here and sharing this. I'm sending you massive healing vibes and love. You're incredibly brave. I know it's not quite the same, but you're not totally alone in the sense that we're here. Rooting for you honey. Well done and speedy healing now xx

Thanks so much for the kind words... means a lot to me. Writing and reading these little posts means much when you're alone...

Just dozed off into sleep, and waking up randomly. Happens alot...

My bandages on my head are gone now. That was another big relief. My Forehead is so flat..!! it's incredible!   :o  ^-^

I must focus on the good and sunny days that will come.

Major downside was the other patients next to me. I was in local hospital, so I landed on mediumcare, a step below IC. So all night random screaming, whaling, crying, snoring... the snoring was sooo annoying. At one moment 3 guys were snoring together! ;D :D did not sleep that entire night.  :(

I try not to laugh, because it hurt and the casket tries to com of my nose when I do... ::) ;D

Wow, congrats to you! Major surgery indeed but it sounds like you're doing well... Sending you positive wishes for a fast painless recovery!

Quote from: ElizabethK on November 11, 2016, 02:33:56 PM
I have had a very minor thing with hair implants only and I get the whole " in the shower" and what a relief it is . I can't imagine what the last few days have been like for you especially since you have been on your own.

That is one heck of a lot of work to have done in one go. I am having Rhinoplasty only in two months and that is going to be bad enough on its own without adding in all the stuff you had.

Sounds like you are feeling a bit better now? Have you got you nausea under control? Peppermint tea can help with that or ginger tea if you prefer. Hope you are keeping your fluids up...I can't imagine even completing a simple task would be very easy?  hope you have a reasonable day today

Hugs
Liz

hi Liz,

Yes, today I am feeling much better! I think it's because the fever went away partially. No nausea anymore. Skin feels just very bruised, as if something is sucking my skin off. Weird kind of pain. I also made the switch to Ibuprofen, coming of from paracetamol. Much better...

Already ate soup, potato chips, cheese, lots of pudding and soydrinks... and heaps of ice cream!  :D potatochips are hard to eat, but I managed it. The salty flavor did good for my mouth actually. I made couple of smoothies with frozen fruits and soy protein powder. And even a cheese sandwich (severe beaten!)

For fluids, I bought soy drinks in bulk... so I now have lot of chilled (unsweetened) soymilk ready for grabs. It is great and tasty. Sometimes Tea, but since my smell isn't back yet, it doesn't taste as good... stacks and stacks of paper cups with chilled water, for cleaning mouth and sipping.

I think that's good on day 4....

Also had all day bowel movements... the food started it I guess... it made me come back alive, movement is very important indeed. Cleaned dishes, did small things in my house and sat on the sofa listening to the radio. Sometimes behind PC.

Today I could also wear my contact lenses again, which is a boost as well.

That's great to hear 2Cherry and those sound like excellent food tips. I've taken note for my FFS in under three weeks  :D Wow you had a lot done but I know at least one other person who went for the whole full works in one go and she was glad she did once she got through the first week or two. I'm continuing to read this thread and rooting for you with continued good healing. xx

I think you are the first person who brought "zygoma arch osteotomy" to this group.  It sounds very interesting.  If I wasn't done having bone surgery this would be on my list of potential procedures.  Then again, maybe it was available from my surgeon, but I never asked.

Regardless, may your recovery go well and be unevenful.

Hi 2cherry

I know this is a bit eewwww but having "movement" is very critical...as the old saying goes if you don't "evacuate" it will kill you. Apart from all that it will make you incredible uncomfortable and from what you have already said you have discomfort in spades already.

You sound to me like you are doing remarkably well. I can have my Rhinoplasty any time I want but it is unlikely to be before the beginning of next year. So have you managed to get a look at the work that has been done? I would imagine it would be too early to actually see any difference  yet?

Hugs

Liz

Quote from: deeiche on November 12, 2016, 11:33:39 AM
I think you are the first person who brought "zygoma arch osteotomy" to this group.  It sounds very interesting.  If I wasn't done having bone surgery this would be on my list of potential procedures.  Then again, maybe it was available from my surgeon, but I never asked.

Regardless, may your recovery go well and be unevenful.

It is actually called: "zygomatic sandwich osteotomy". Sorry, my head wasn't clear enough...  :D

This technique is well known in maxillofacial surgery, often used for trauma patients, or birth defects/deformities. FFS is simply maxillofacial facial surgery applied to feminization instead of reconstructing faces from trauma and defects, which is the usual scope and domain of maxillofacial facial surgery. So any surgeon trained with maxillofacial facial surgery, can basically do an entire FFS. They can also reconstruct faces from victims of motor vehicle accidents, cancers on the face, face transplants, and much more. They simply do everything that involves the face.

My surgeon recommended a zygomatic sandwich osteotomy. Because he said it's better to use my own bone than implants. I kinda agreed... He used the piece he sawn off my jaw, modeled it, and placed it in the zygoma, to make the cheeks more laterally bulky. He told me he did 3-5mm, very minor, so that it looks natural and not out of place. It is also easier than implants, because implants can be difficult to position symmetrically.

He made two tiny cuts in my upper corner of mouth, and cut the zygoma and place some bone in it to lift it. "it's pretty easy" he told me. LOL. I guess so! remarkably, I had no swelling on my eyes.

He never done a feminisation "project", but was raging with enthusiasm when I approached him at my local hospital. I like that, surgeons who want to do something  extraordinary, escape their routine. I guess, pulling wisdom teeth all day long gets boring! We continued to e-mail one other for 4 months, creating a plan. And I decided that he was the one for me. I guess I sparked his interest in FFS, I hope so, we could use more surgeons. Maybe that way the prices will go down as well. Who knows, would be a pleasant side effect. But then again, he's very down to earth, and may never do another one. He just works at a local hospital. But who knows... He did enjoy doing it though, and that is satisfactory for me as well. His curiosity is something we both share. I like that in people.

He also proposed a tracheal shave for another time. I told him I did not want a scar. But his approach was different as well: he told me he could shave the tracheal apple through a minor cut in the mouth.. what???. He said: look, if you turn your head forward and to the side, a minor cut in the gumline can access the trachea very easy. And so I was stumped....  :) This guy is either a genius or simply made that up on that spot, or probably both, because it sounds incredible.

But I digress... *blame it on the morphine, antibiotics and post ffs escapism*  ::)

Some other minor interesting observation:

I had my shower again, and was allowed to have water on the back of my head. The front I may wash tomorrow. But clumsy as I can be, some water spilled over the forehead running down my brows, and... straight into my eyes! Previously, the brow ridge directed any water to the brows, and it ran off nice to the sides, or simply ramped over my eyes. Now water simply dumps into my eyes.  :-\ :D Am I seeing some evolutionary trait going on here? ....like sweaty Neanderthals with bulky brow ridges?   ;D

Day 5.

Just realized it is only day 5. It seems so much longer. Time passes very slowly when I am healing. The days in the hospital felt like weeks! especially day one, when I woke up on medium care. I guess that was the worst day of my life. I truly asked myself: what have I done? why did I choose to do this? Please Note: I've been busy with and thinking about FFS since 2008, so it's not a rash decision. I've had all other procedures. For me, FFS was the icing on the cake.

On day 3 I was very refreshed, felt great actually most of the day. Day four was also good. Day 5:

I managed to sleep for couple of hours, most I could since post-op. All the days before I would wake up every 15 minutes. Right now I can sleep 2-3 hours. I feel better when I am awake then when I sleep. because when I wake up, it feels like my face is burning slowly... as if someone poured gasoline on it, and slowly lit it. Best way to describe it I think. It goes away with massage, painkillers, and unexpectedly: movement. the more I move, the less pain I seem to feel. That numbing feeling is annoying, because it's between pain and soreness, difficult to describe.

Also had a couple more nightmares. The anesthesia is still in my system.  I've had 12 hours of it, so it seems only normal that my body doesn't enjoy it.

The flu has subsided, and is under control. Sometime I still shake and shiver, and sometimes feeling incredibly warm. At one moment I woke up, and my face was glowing. But when I touched it, it was not hot. Lot of healing going on.

I notice some yellowing under my eyes and yellowing of my skin around the mouth. Also my neck is yellow... the lymph nodes are doing their job? the swelling slowly drops from my face, into the lymphs. I also massage my face, and rub some water with a soft cloth.

Overall, I am doing OK for day 5.

Some tips:

- Get your hair loosely braided before FFS. I regret not doing it. I had to cut a piece of my hair as it was completely caked with blood and wrapped extremely tight. It was a side bang so it's not really problem. I guess I cut 6 inch tight wrapped into a ball of of my left bangs. I think braiding hair might prevent some of this, especially if you have difficult hair that's quickly a mess.

- Showers are great. They improve circulation, bruising seems to fade quicker. Massaging really helps.

- Often look in the mirror. Because your skin is numb, you don't feel the stains of food/blood and other stuff on your skin. Can be dangerous, especially with Ice packs. I didn't use ice packs much. Only first two days. This kind of bruising is hard to treat from the outside. The skin simply will be cold, but does nothing for the pain. Ice-cream did help. I am glad I bought enough of it. Soft ice cream, small Popsicles was a relief. More so than icepacks.

Quote from: ElizabethK on November 12, 2016, 02:18:37 PM
Hi 2cherry

I know this is a bit eewwww but having "movement" is very critical...as the old saying goes if you don't "evacuate" it will kill you. Apart from all that it will make you incredible uncomfortable and from what you have already said you have discomfort in spades already.

You sound to me like you are doing remarkably well. I can have my Rhinoplasty any time I want but it is unlikely to be before the beginning of next year. So have you managed to get a look at the work that has been done? I would imagine it would be too early to actually see any difference  yet?

Hugs

Liz

Most remarkable change is the forehead. The forehead is as flat as it could be. So amazing. Even without makeup, I look female. Can't wait to see what happens when I am allowed makeup! lot's to look forward to. The jaw is nice, my face seems more subtle, more rounded. It is hard to tell, because of swelling my face looks like a pear. But if I push the skin, it looks more rounded. The chin... I can't really tell. Maybe bruising, or maybe it's so subtle that I just don't remember how it was... Cheeks are very subtle, but due to swelling I can't truly tell the difference. The raised eyebrows was another massive improvement that is clearly noticeable. The orbital rims were also shaved down, opening my eyes even more. There is no shadow in my eyes anymore, also the over hanging eyelids are gone due to the browlift.

The nose... I can't tell yet... still has a cask on it. I asked him to be very cautious here, and not make it too small. The nose is the main thing on people where I can see if they have done any surgery. I often see small noses, those extremely sloped noses look just too unnatural. So I asked him to make the nose simply straight, remove the hump, and not too much sloped. Hairline: most obvious. It was brought down about 1.5cm, and the sides were closed. Great improvement. Yet, I still might opt for minor hair implants. I wanted the surgery first, and it did help. Max 1 cm of implants and any baldness left would be completely gone.

Some other tips that worked for me:

- When you do the nose, you won't be able to breath through it for some time. This can be frightening, especially if you hyperventilate. (which I did) but, after two days the body seems to get "used" to breathing through the mouth. This was also the reason why I woke up every 15 minutes, because I was afraid to choke. But at day 3, I didn't even noticed that I now breath through my mouth. So relax, it will be better. At day 5, I can breath a bit through my nose, but not enough to do complete inhaling/exhaling yet. To simulate this: pinch your nose and try to breath. That is how it feels like plus ten times more congestion and swelling. Maybe you can get used to it by training this daily, to only breath through your mouth. You will get used to it, even if it seems frightening.

I cannot blow my nose, but I clean it with q-tips and papercup of sterile water with a bit of salt in it. I use about 30 q-tips on each session (once a day), and I never reuse them. I then use a flashlight and a mirror to very, very, very carefully clean the nose inside and dissolve clots.  Not any deeper than the cotton itself! not rubbing, but gently touching and slowly turning. This greatly helped me breathing.

Also: buy Vaseline, and rub the lips every two hours or so. That prevents cracking and keeps them moist. Lipbalm didn't do anything for me.

So far, the nose is truly annoying. If I didn't had to do it, I definitely would let it alone. Maybe doing the nose separate would have been much better. It's just super uncomfortable.

Hi 2cherry thanks so much for sharing  , it's facinating especially   as i myself will be doing the same 
Sounds like you got a really good surgeon , i guess for someone like  that ffs  would be awalk in the park ....how amazing
Get well soon: )

Thank you markie!

I would have loved placing photo's, but I am a very private person. I am sorry for that. I don't even have Facebook. Been too long on the Internet, and I was a computer security specialist, so I know where photo's/information end up. I also want to live a stealth life, if I am able to. I've done much public work for the T community years ago, but now it's time to remain in the shadows and live a completely normal life.  :) so i'll do the best I can with written info.

Still day 5th. First day where I could do without painkillers so far... but I probably want some. I have this annoying habit of moving my tongue around the incisions and teeth, making them sensitive and painful...

I just made a big container of smoothies, with frozen fruit and soy milk. It's delicious. I think I am doing fine.

Maybe I will go for a walk tomorrow. I enjoy walking, do it everyday. But just hadn't had the stamina yet.

I lost 2 liters of blood on surgery, (this is why I did not wanted to be operated in a private clinic) so I felt very lightheaded and weak for a couple of days. The hospital lab did a hemoglobin (HB) test, and it came up, and they started to drip me faster with fluids to replace it. I never noticed anything. LOL. Only that I was extremely tired.  Not sure if I have gotten a blood transplant. Dr. did not say anything about it. But I could have had one. It's just one of those risks. I always have a quick heart and massive beat, so much so that often, blood pours out of my veins when I do a simple routine blood test. So I knew my risk. Has nothing to do with clotting, but pressure. Before anesthesia, they told me that they will give me two IV's, one already in my hand, and another one in my foot. (just to be sure, they said). So I told them: fine, just do it when I am already under ok? I hate these jabs. I am not sure where the blood loss occurred. But I have a hunch: forehead, hairline, liposuction and the nose. I vomited 150cc blood the first hour I woke up. Came from the sinus and nose. It quickly ads up. yes, they actually went to weigh and measure the exact amount I spewd into that cardbox thing.

Disgusting... hehe. They told me it was inevitable, especially because of amount of procedures. The blood was black. they told me it was old blood that simply dripped into my stomach during surgery. The stomach can't handle old blood. No matter how strong your stomach is, it will reject the proteins in it because it can't digest it. I have a super strong stomach. Nothing can upset it, but this did. I felt better after vomiting! And it's wasn't such a big deal. I could not smell, so I tasted nothing of it.

So, right now, I really feel my stamina turning back. Which is great. Can't wait to walk around outside!

I even managed to play my guitar, which was nice.

Another thing I remember:

Right after surgery, my surgeon told me that he did not do the liplift. He can do this in his office, as it is such a small procedure. I can stay awake while he does it. He wanted to wait to see what the nose would do and because of swelling it was difficult to achieve balance this at the moment of surgery. I am happy that he waited... a lip lift must be done very accurately.

That's interesting 2Cherry. I'm going to ask Dr Sutin about giving me a slight lip lift and hope he will do it at the same time, but I'm having tipplasty and alarplasty rather than full rhinoplasty which might make a difference? I know with the former it comes out of padding after a day or two whereas with the rhinoplasty I was told it would need to be splinted for a month?

That's a lot of blood to lose. Is that normal in FFS do you know? I wonder which procedures cause the most bleeding. I'm slightly scared now!!!

Well done again and your posts are amazing. Or, rather, you are amazing. It's great about you starting to walk. I also love what you said about other surgeons taking on FFS and think that is so true.

x

Yes, the blood loss wasn't anticipated. But I got almost no bruising. So it was a good trade  :laugh: I haven't asked my surgeon yet, but it's normal with rhinoplasty to lose some blood. But bone bleeds as well, I didn't know that, until he told me. I probably had too much done for one go. I forgot to add that he also did facelift, lol. I can better list what I didn't have: liplift and lipofilling.  ;D

Internal nose packaging was removed the second day. Was a non-event. Tickled a little bit. I still have the external splint/cask. Has to stay much longer. I think he said two weeks, because then is when I see him again. He did an open rhinoplasty, and some other things inside it that I don't remember.

Wow. I guess I should do some more research on the after effects as it's under 3 weeks away  :D I'm sort-of just wanting to do it and then hope it's not too bad. My list is a bit less invasive:

Brow lift, hairline advance and orbital rim shave
Alarplasty and Tipplasty
Full face lift

You're an inspiration. You had a lot done!

x

Yes, but we fear the fear of pain the most. Sometimes it's best to just go through it.

Example: a guy next to me had his catheter removed. He cried before they even went ahead. He also asked for the "best nurse" who had years of experience. Ahhh, it was so sweet... I chuckled a little bit. I experienced it before, and they even placed a catheter back into me when I was consciousness after SRS. Yes, it's a mean tickle. But lasts exactly 1 second. At the end, he said: that was it? lol... but he read too many horror stories online which he explained.

True, the first 2-3 days were really Hell for me. But it was compounded by a bacterial infection that raised a 38.9C/ 102.02F fever, blood loss and probably too many procedures. They now suspect I might have been allergic to antibiotics as well. It reminds me of my SRS, also had fever, infection and rashes from antibiotics. So I might be prone to that.

But because of anesthesia, these memories fade quick. That is why I write them down here, because right now I don't even remember the first night completely. Just chunks of it. Some hallucinations as well. Maybe that is a good thing.

Rachel, I wish you good luck! gonna be alright.

just want to point out that 2L is 40% of your blood volume and
if it happens quickly risk of organ failure or even death is high if not very rapid blood transfusion.
I think you should demand a record of how the op was conducted and what went wrong because 2L is not normal. Perhaps he caused a bleeding due to unfamiliarity with doing these procedures?

Quote from: transtastic on November 13, 2016, 02:00:02 PM
just want to point out that 2L is 40% of your blood volume and
if it happens quickly risk of organ failure or even death is high if not very rapid blood transfusion.
I think you should demand a record of how the op was conducted and what went wrong because 2L is not normal. Perhaps he caused a bleeding due to unfamiliarity with doing these procedures?

I calculated it online a moment ago. 2L would be 33% of my blood. It depends of height and weight.

Thinking hard, I now remember they told me I lost between 1.3 and 2 liters of blood. Was on day one, so memory was foggy. I received no transfusion. I guess he would have told me if that happened. They just upped the saline drip, added a few extra bags or something like that. (don't pin me down on it, it's what I recollect) That's what I heard them say. They don't know the exact amount, because they calculated it as they did a routine blood check afterwards. It could be wrong as well. Anyway, never noticed anything. Only thing was extreme tiredness. :)

Inexperience? unlikely. The only procedure he never ever done, was the sinus reshaping. All other things he had done before, but not all at once. I guess we got carried away. But I wanted it all... LOL.

Oh 2L is much indeed, but not unheard of. Even giving birth to a child one can lose such amounts. I probably had some amount, maybe not 2L otherwise I would gotten a transfusion? But I rather be in a hospital than in some shack when it does happen. I got this strange knack of sensing things that come, some weird kind of intuition, I have had my entire life. Maybe that's why I choose the hospital. Either way, makes a great story though.  :-*

Had another shower. First time I washed my forehead. All caked blood came out easy with a lot of anti-detangle baby shampoo. Felt great. Finally saw my hair flow across my face, it think it's going to be amazing.

I can feel my chin again, but in the center is still a numb spot.Forehead is still numb for the large part, but on some places I can feel things when I touch it with a small eye pencil.Cheeks are fully sensate, so only the chin and forehead is still unavailable largely.

Anyway, another day gone. Going to rest a little bit now. I did wash my cloths by hand, it I felt tired quickly. So I am not out of the woods yet.... I don't sleep during the day no more. I go to bed at 10, and wake at 8. Good routine.

Quote from: 2cherry on November 13, 2016, 06:36:13 AMI would have loved placing photo's, but I am a very private person. I am sorry for that. I don't even have Facebook. Been too long on the Internet, and I was a computer security specialist, so I know where photo's/information end up. I also want to live a stealth life, if I am able to. I've done much public work for the T community years ago, but now it's time to remain in the shadows and live a completely normal life. 

Smart.  :)

Wishing you the very best results. 

Wow 2Cherry thanks for sharing and welcome to FFS! LOL. I am just over a week post-op now myself =)

Glad you're doing ok....just wait till you get the cast off....it feels SO GOOD haha.

I only had forehead and nose so not nearly as painful or complicated as what you went through.

Best of luck in the rest of your recovery!

Quote from: 2cherry on November 13, 2016, 01:34:01 PM
Yes, but we fear the fear of pain the most. Sometimes it's best to just go through it.

Hi again 2Cherry,

It's great that you are making such progress. Your updates are fab and encouraging.

With me it's not the pain: I have a high pain threshold. It's the swelling, blood loss and feeling unwell that concern me more. The pain I can deal with. I think I underestimated what an onslaught to the face it all is. You're doing so well.

x

I've been thinking about FFS, and do I fear pain. Its one of the criteria I'll be using to decide where to have surgery. I have the impression that doctors in the USA and UK are very stingy with strong painkillers like morphine and Thailand is generous. No idea about Europe.

Quote from: Debra on November 13, 2016, 09:42:04 PM
Wow 2Cherry thanks for sharing and welcome to FFS! LOL. I am just over a week post-op now myself =)

Glad you're doing ok....just wait till you get the cast off....it feels SO GOOD haha.

I only had forehead and nose so not nearly as painful or complicated as what you went through.

Best of luck in the rest of your recovery!

Oooo, yes! that cask/external splint has to go! LOL.

Quote from: Rachel Richenda on November 14, 2016, 12:10:54 AM
Hi again 2Cherry,

It's great that you are making such progress. Your updates are fab and encouraging.

With me it's not the pain: I have a high pain threshold. It's the swelling, blood loss and feeling unwell that concern me more. The pain I can deal with. I think I underestimated what an onslaught to the face it all is. You're doing so well.

x

I underestimated it too... did not expect the feeling of bruising as it is. It's similar as a bruise on another body part, a bit softer but right in your face. The only real pain was 2 days, and not constant, but spikes and sometimes lingering pains.

Quote from: AnonyMs on November 14, 2016, 12:54:31 AM
I've been thinking about FFS, and do I fear pain. Its one of the criteria I'll be using to decide where to have surgery. I have the impression that doctors in the USA and UK are very stingy with strong painkillers like morphine and Thailand is generous. No idea about Europe.

I'm in Europe, we get what we need regarding painkillers. I could choose as well. After some morphine, I got nauseous. So I asked for only paracetamol in my drip. They did it right away. I could ask for extra morphine shots any time I pleased. So that was great. I had a team of nurses who watched over 4 patients day and night, the room was never empty. They sat in turns behind a floating computer screen, overlooking everyone. I felt very safe. They comforted me, talked with me a lot, held my hand... that was straight out of surgery on mediumcare. After a day, I went back to regular hospital care, and stayed another 2 days.

Day 6...

Again, sleeping isn't fun. I rather am awake, because when I wake up I feel so drained and miserable. It takes long to "boot" up and feel fine again. I think this is due to the fact that my head slides down when I sleep, and the Dr. said that I must sleep in a 45 degree angle. I can manage that with pillows before I sleep, but eventually, my body does what it wants at night, and I end up waking up with my head straight down and a sore throat. The fluids drip back into my head, and that is uncomfortable. When sleeping in an angle, the fluids go down the neck, and to the lymphs.

If I would have known this before, I may have bought some permanent solution for this. An inclined pillow, maybe?

Dr. also said I may not bow my head forward for some time. Just now, I understand why he said that when I wanted t pick something of the floor. LOL.

I am going out for a walk today Also going to buy some groceries. Not going to be a pretty sight for others... but I noticed that no-one even cares. The first day I went from hospital floor to floor and no-one payed attention to all that mess. One woman stared for a second or 2, that was it.

Also: I now sleep with a soft scarf at night, loosely wrapped and tucked around my neck (no knots! b/c of choke risk) The scarf keeps my neck warm, and that is really comfortabe.

I went outside for first time. Went shopping for groceries, but I got very tired.

To cover my head, I simply bought a beautiful silken Muslim scarf/hijab! and wrapped it around my face. Amazingly soft.

Carrying bags is too much. Riding a bike went fine, but not for long. I think I can walk a good distance, but I have to be careful.

Also, the hospital gave me a medical grade creme: it's called Cetomacrogol FNA. Wow. I use it on my face, and prevents moisture release. One of the best creams I ever had. No parfums, nothing.

Wow sounds brilliant 2Cherry. I will buy some of that cream which sounds excellent. I like the sound of bike riding too. There's an exercise bike in the hotel after my hospital stay and I'd like to try and get on it soon after the op to keep the limbs and heart ticking over.

It's great to read your progress, albeit with travails along the way.

x

Quote from: AnonyMs on November 14, 2016, 12:54:31 AM
I've been thinking about FFS, and do I fear pain. Its one of the criteria I'll be using to decide where to have surgery. I have the impression that doctors in the USA and UK are very stingy with strong painkillers like morphine and Thailand is generous. No idea about Europe.

I wouldn't say stingy....at least with Dr D. He said the recovery was mostly uncomfortable and less painful. I wasn't sure I believed him so he still prescribed percocet for me just in case. I trusted him and went with just the tylenol and ibuprofin (and steroid anti-inflammatory) and never needed the percocet. Crazy!

That being said, while I was in the hospital there were a LOT of IV drugs for pain, anti-inflammation, and anti-nausea. That stuff lasted into the day or two after I was out of the hospital too. I was kinda out of it for a while there.

Day 6th is almost gone here...

I just noticed a small hole in my gumline. I can see a tiny part of my chin. ^-^ Doesn't hurt, just a loose stitch I think. So I re-taped my lowerlip for pressure and go to Dr. Wednesday for inspection.

Maybe my own fault. I started eating lots of things I really could not so soon. My whole lower gumline was stitched from jaw to jaw, including both top corners. But we'll see.

My face now feels as if I have a permanent beauty mask... as if it's wrapped in some kind of clay that has dried. Did you ever make a plaster gauze face mask in school? that's how it feels exactly. No pain, just annoyance. Tooth & jaw ache, because my tongue felt the overwhelming and incessant need to inspect it's new home. All day long it feverishly touched each piece of furniture. Behind, beneath, on top... As if it was looking for something...Right now it feels like I've had pulled all 4 wisdom teeth, and are recovering. The nose is annoying, because of splint. Can't feel my forehead. No pain whatsoever, just numb.

My stamina isn't where it was yet.

It seems to go well... flu has been gone for days.

Update: I just had a look in the mirror, with my hair down and some eyeliner. Truly amazing...! the forehead is beautiful... it gives me the most satisfaction right now. The jaw is nice and all, but I don't pay attention to it that much. If I only had done the type 3 forehead reconstruction and brow lift, it would have been fine in itself, I think, it makes such an epic difference. (probably the most obvious to notice, besides nose)

I am so excited about the nose... because I cannot see it yet.

I feel so good... so much at peace... despite all the annoyance.

I would love to smile right now, but it still hurts...

Quote from: 2cherry on November 11, 2016, 12:11:44 PM
Hello, I am at home now, I had FFS at Wednesday. I contracted a high fever, so I won't stay long...

I had nearly everyting: chin, jaw, nose, type 3 forehead sinus removal, orbital recontouring, hairline lowering, brow raising, zygoma arch ostetomy, facelift, and liposuction from chin, all in one go...

SURGERY TIME: 9 HOURS!

My God... it's is worse than SRS... so much pain, vomiting blood the 1st day. I have never been so deep in Hell, because is what it felt like. I was staying in hospital, so I had good access to medication. Morphine, and paracetamol. Morphine made me nauseous so I went with paracetamol only.

I think it was too much... the worse thing is the nose, had anxiety with breathing for 2 days. Then, I got used to it.  :laugh: >:( :o ??? it is so weird.... so much to talk about, but too much pain and fever to think clearly.

I am slowing healing, chin packing is gone. Remarkebly, ther was very little swelling. sorry for spell mistakes, it is so hard to type right now. Feels like I am hammering nails!

I'm jealous... I want ffs too :(


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Quote from: jujubes1986 on November 14, 2016, 02:21:08 PM
I'm jealous... I want ffs too :(


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Really ? You are already gorgeous. ...

Quote from: 2cherry on November 14, 2016, 11:59:05 AM
Day 6th is almost gone here...

I just noticed a small hole in my gumline. I can see a tiny part of my chin. ^-^ Doesn't hurt, just a loose stitch I think. So I re-taped my lowerlip for pressure and go to Dr. Wednesday for inspection.

Maybe my own fault. I started eating lots of things I really could not so soon. My whole lower gumline was stitched from jaw to jaw, including both top corners. But we'll see.

My face now feels as if I have a permanent beauty mask... as if it's wrapped in some kind of clay that has dried. Did you ever make a plaster gauze face mask in school? that's how it feels exactly. No pain, just annoyance. Tooth & jaw ache, because my tongue felt the overwhelming and incessant need to inspect it's new home. All day long it feverishly touched each piece of furniture. Behind, beneath, on top... As if it was looking for something...Right now it feels like I've had pulled all 4 wisdom teeth, and are recovering. The nose is annoying, because of splint. Can't feel my forehead. No pain whatsoever, just numb.

My stamina isn't where it was yet.

It seems to go well... flu has been gone for days.

Update: I just had a look in the mirror, with my hair down and some eyeliner. Truly amazing...! the forehead is beautiful... it gives me the most satisfaction right now. The jaw is nice and all, but I don't pay attention to it that much. If I only had done the type 3 forehead reconstruction and brow lift, it would have been fine in itself, I think, it makes such an epic difference. (probably the most obvious to notice, besides nose)

I am so excited about the nose... because I cannot see it yet.

I feel so good... so much at peace... despite all the annoyance.

I would love to smile right now, but it still hurts...

I am so looking forward to when you have healed  and can see your self completely  :)
Yes i,m  envy too i want need ffs so bad

Quote from: markie on November 15, 2016, 06:55:43 AM

Really ? You are already gorgeous. ...

I thought the same  :D

It's both inspirational and slightly scary to have followed this thread. Scary because I now realise my FFS is very fast approaching. I have just started a separate thread about it: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,216392.0.html

If anyone feels like adding tips I'd be very grateful.

Gosh 2Cherry: I'm so awed by what you have done.

x

Day 7.

This day makes all the difference...

While I still feel weak, not tired just weak, I find that I feel much better. I can now finally breath fully through my nose again. All swelling inside of it has subsided. And so did the ability to smell again! Oh my, how strange...! taste involves smelling, I am convinced now. My tea tastes like TEA again, instead of TEABAG. LOL.

Sometimes the nose is still bit swollen and filled with snot, but I can extremely slow blow/run my nose. So it all works!

The loose stitch in my mouth near the chin, is my own stupid fault. I removed the chin package a day to early, so I simply ripped a suture. Didn't even feel it, because of the painkillers. So: Follow Dr's advice!

Since day five, I moisten my hairline scar with Vaseline. It prevents scabbing and ugly scarring.

Tomorrow I will see my Doc again. He's going to remove some staples/stitch and clean my mouth.



I am indeed very grateful that I could undergo the surgery. For me it is life changing. FFS removed the mask off my face, and finally revealed who I truly am. I am grateful for science, and for the surgeon who took a risk in order help me. I am grateful for everyone who supports us, we as human being, and those who don't label nor judge us. You guys are true heroes.

Believe me, curing this extreme condition could only be done through surgeries. No amount of medication & therapy could cure me. In fact, it was a complete waste of time.

But right now, I feel like I am flying!

So... the nose cask/cast/external splint/whatever it's called... came off in shower...  :laugh:

Nose is beautiful... not too much, not too little. and it's still tiny bit swollen. But nothing major. It has sensation, and has no bruising colors. I will put the cast back on when I go to sleep. But I am overjoyed right now... the nose with the forehead reduction + browlift makes all the difference.

Even when my face still has green and yellow -which looks like a weird beard shadow- I can see where this is going. And I am going to like it. It's so subtle, but so different that when I look at my face, I think: This is what I always was, beneath it.

Another great feature was the zygoma arch, which he cut and pulled upward. I now actually have high cheeks! I even have that famous 'cheek shadow', all natural!!! this is truly good. And it's raised only by 3-5mm. It looks subtle, but incredibly different and good.

Jaw looks nice, but I still got swelling. My face is more rounded.

The chin... I am not sure yet what to think of it. He did very little there, but he had a reason for it in regard with the lip lift, I remember him saying, which he didn't do yet.

I think I reached a 90% female face, coming from a 70%. With the lip lift, I think I will be 95%. Maybe a little chin work and few hair grafts I can make it a 100. Question is, do I want that? not sure yet. The lip lift will be done in his office while being awake. But I am not sure I want another surgery for the chin alone... we'll see what my dr. thinks about it, because he wanted to discuss with me why he didn't do the lip lift yet.

We are our greatest critics, so I guess I look fine now.  :D


My face is sensate, except for a round spot on my chin, and top of brows all the way to hairline. In this place, it feels like I am wearing soft headband. Doesn't hurt at all. I can raise my brows, but it's more fine/limited than before. I can't frown much... but maybe that is a good thing, because I always frowned and it creates wrinkles. Speaking of wrinkles, the forehead lift flattened my forehead wrinkles as well.

One good thing about the forehead numbness, ...is plucking my brows! I don't feel very much of it now, woohoo!  ;)

Day 8.

I visited my Dr. today. He removed the staples and stitches from the head. He was pleased with the result, and so was I. He told me I lost just over 1L blood. He doesn't know the exact amount, because they tested it with a bloodsample on day one. Without this routine hospital test,  I would have never known.

The ripped chin stitch did not matter. This will reattach itself, I only need to keep it clean with a plastic syringe and salt water.

Surgery story:

The forehead posed a huge problem. He told me that, with some people, the forehead nerve lay on top of the skull. In others, it is buried and lies inside of the skull. Guess what applied to me? Yep, the main nerve was embedded inside the skull. So he and his team proceeded to HACK the nerve free from the skull, with a hammer and chisel! Which took a long time, and was very complex. Because of this, my forehead is super sensitive because of the all the blows to the skull. So he didn't even cut the nerve (easy), No, he went so far as to actually hack the nerve free to preserve it. I am glad I went to a hospital, my intuition was correct.

Phew... I think it's best I don't imagine what this whole surgery might have looked like. Anesthesia is a miracle.  Surgeons are such special people, really. I have so much respect for them. And I certainly going to reward him with a nice gift.


Sense nerves in face:

To test sensitivity of the 3 branches of the tregeminal nerve, press spot 18, 22 and 23.  18 is on the orbital rim, 22 is at the cheek, and 23 is at the chin.

18 = Supraorbital.
22 = Infraorbital N.
23 = Mental N.

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fplayer.slideplayer.com%2F1%2F244639%2Fdata%2Fimages%2Fimg2.jpg&hash=e35804ececef663a9c13e10779105b37cb82a6f9)

(https://www.drugs.com/health-guide/images/205896.jpg)

Wow! Yeah I had asked about the orbital nerve because I'd heard of complications with it and my doctor explained something similar. That in some patients the nerve was buried in the skull and they had to be a little more violent to it to get it out of the way.

Thankfully that wasn't the case for me. Hope your recovery continues to go well! =)

Day 9, and I feel fine...  :eusa_dance: :icon_blahblah:


This is the first night I could/dared to sleep on my sides. Since day one, I slept on my back. Previously, I slept on one of my sides. So, I went back doing that today. It was also the first night without me waking up, I even slept a little more. And no nightmares. I had a nightmares each day after surgery. Probably due to fever, anesthesia, antibiotics.

I still wear my nosecast at night. It's made from some flexible metal, so I can shape it a little. It prevents outside swelling, so it really seems like a mold. The longer it stays, the better, especially when your nose still swells. I notice that when I place the cast back, the inside of my nose swells more. So I think it is a good choice to put it back. I don't want a swollen nose.

Overall I feel good. Not much to say. From now on it will be weeks/months of slow healing.

Quote from: 2cherry on November 17, 2016, 04:06:14 AM
Day 9, and I feel fine...  :eusa_dance: :icon_blahblah:


This is the first night I could/dared to sleep on my sides. Since day one, I slept on my back. Previously, I slept on one of my sides. So, I went back doing that today. I still wear my nosecast at night. It's made from some flexible metal, so I can shape it a little. It prevents outside swelling, so it really seems like a mold. The longer it stays, the better, especially when your nose still swells. I notice than when I place the cast back, the inside of my nose swells more. So I think it is a good choice to put it back. I don't want a swollen nose.

Overall I feel good. Not much to say. From now on it will be weeks/months of slow healing.

That's fantastic news 2Cherry. You seem to be making brilliant progress now. I'm so happy for you x

Quote from: 2cherry on November 17, 2016, 04:06:14 AM
Day 9, and I feel fine...  :eusa_dance: :icon_blahblah:


This is the first night I could/dared to sleep on my sides. Since day one, I slept on my back. Previously, I slept on one of my sides. So, I went back doing that today. It was also the first night without me waking up, I even slept a little more. And no nightmares. I had a nightmares each day after surgery. Probably due to fever, anesthesia, antibiotics.

I still wear my nosecast at night. It's made from some flexible metal, so I can shape it a little. It prevents outside swelling, so it really seems like a mold. The longer it stays, the better, especially when your nose still swells. I notice that when I place the cast back, the inside of my nose swells more. So I think it is a good choice to put it back. I don't want a swollen nose.

Overall I feel good. Not much to say. From now on it will be weeks/months of slow healing.

I know healing takes time... but I'm sure it'll be all worth it... im healing myself and nursing an infection :(


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

To finish this, I'll do a short recap.

Procedures:

1. Type III forehead reconstruction.
2. Orbital Rim bossing removal.
3. Zygoma sandwich osteotomy (zygoma arch cheek lift) LeFort III.
4. Mandible correction, jaw surgery. Square jaw reduced, rounded.
5. Genioplasty, chin surgery. Height and width correction, shaving of ends.
6. Hairline lowering, 1.5CM.
7. Hairline correction: closure of hair loss areas above temples.
8. Brow lift (micro screws to affix them)
9. Facelift.
10. Rhinoplasty, hump removal and tip modeling.
11. Liposuction chin, neck.
12. Liplift (not executed, will be done at later stage)

This is one of the hospital theaters, it'a hybrid one and was built in 2013. State of the art. In fact, when I was wheeled into this room I thought I was inside some kind of spaceship, green and blue light, screens everywhere, it was awesome especially for me, because I like high tech gadgets. They asked if I wanted some music, but I am a composer/musician myself so and I don't like listening to music that much. Just my opinion.

Click on picture for larger version.

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FPE5PJGn.jpg%3F1&hash=1320d232880f40e427c73a40b961840dcb5bda47)

The next photo is when all the instruments are present:

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FYIgXIqh.jpg%3F1&hash=259060bca929edf49a7c9d17097d5177c69055df)


I stepped unto the table, and lay down. Was relatively comfortable, much more than with my SRS. Different table maybe. The anesthesiologists (3 where present) went on to do their thing, and also said I would be getting a foot IV as well for extra safety. Yes, bring it on, I like extra safety. It was buzzing with a complete surgical team, and they also brought in students to learn. So it was packed, I was ready to give a show! after a few laughs, they got serious and gave me the mask. I breathed a couple of times, and down the rabbit hole I went...

A nine hour second later, I woke up. I was calm, and I knew where I was. My forehead was freezing. And I noticed a huge cold pack on it. I asked them to remove it, because it was too cold. I got a smaller one, and I used it couple of times. But not often. I don't remember a whole lot, because I went in and out sleeping all the time. I was on medium care, with 4 other patients. One had a triple bypass and was screaming his head of every 10 minutes when he awoke. At night I was treated by the other 3 patients to a private chorus of snoring old men... Was funny in some sense... I got morphine shots when I wanted them. Each night I got a shot for anti-blood clotting. I vomited blood at one point, which was awkward, to say the least. It's best that I forgot that night. Blood was taken once a day by staff. Then they said I lost some blood, but didn't need transfusion.

We were monitored 24/7, with a nurse behind floating screens that came from the ceiling. The nurses took turns with other nurses. They gave me a tiny ice Popsicle, which was sweet. But when licking, I fell asleep and the Popsicle was melting on my jacket. LOL, so a male nurse would clean me and we laughed, although I could not laugh.
I slept a lot, and before I knew it I was brought to general care section, where everybody ends up. Here, there isn't much attention. But I could get it with the press of a button.

Was in a lot of pain the first two days, and many annoyances. I spoke about them in my first post. Interesting thing is, I don't remember much. Maybe it's a way of the body to forget intense emotional things for a while. All was really uneventful, except for the 100+ high fever I contracted. Which made my head feel like I was set on fire, compounded by all the physical annoyances and pains. Two days of Hell I said. I guess it was so, but I don't remember it anymore. Maybe the nightmares in the days after it had something to do with it, like processing all this onslaught?

I spent two days in bed, sleeping mostly. Sometimes I got out for a walk. I ate liquid foods, medical diet food. I don't remember much from these days. I slept them away, and waking up every 15 minutes from hospital noises.

Then I went home. So I spent 3 days in total. Was enough for me to walk around like I used to do. I called a taxi and went home.  :D

 Brilliant : )

Another great read 2Cherry. Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I'm slightly scared ;)

x

Some weird bits and pieces:

Mirrors.

After FFS it's good to change my mirror, lighting and place the mirror somewhere else. The mind remembers your own face in the mirror and will get used to it. The mind can get used to many things and even ignore things. I am certain the mind can play tricks. At one moment I looked at my face, and I was certain I noticed my brow bossing... such an awkward moment... I really had to blink a few times, and look from another angle. And it was gone. It seems the mind simply reconstructs and project the image from memory it usually sees...?

Flexibility of the body

I discovered how flexible the body is. Before FFS, I would always -without exception- sleep on one of my sides. In hospital I was forced to sleep on my back. After 3 days I got used to it. Even being close to two weeks post-op it feels weird to sleep on my side. But I get used to it as well. In hospital I could not breathe through my nose for a good number of days. Again, it took the body two days to get used to it. After two days I would not even notice it, unless I needed to eat something that reminded me of the change.

Singing.

When doing my daily vocal singing/training, I noticed some interesting effect. My voice has changed, especially the resonance. The voice is much more full in projection, and I think that is because of the smaller sinus. It's just different. When humming notes, it tickled some bone/cartilage in my nose that resonated. Very weird feeling, so I quit doing that because it might dislodge something. 

Field of vision.

This is strange... I am sure my field of vision has expanded, while I know it is impossible. Here is my theory: the brow bossing and the orbital rims cast a shadow into the eyes, and making the field of vision seem somewhat narrower, or closed. Nose is also a little bit smaller, adding to the effect.

Shower

Before, water would run over the brow bossing, and off the sides. But now, water simply drops into my eyes. Something I certainly did not expect.

Stamina.

Before FFS, I would walk 1-2 hours a day without much of a problem. I like to walk, and do it each day. But right now, half an hour is my peak. Doing groceries is taxing, especially carrying heavy bags. I can feel the pressure on my nose when I lift something.

Quote from: 2cherry on November 21, 2016, 04:24:55 PMBefore, water would run over the brow bossing, and off the sides. But now, water simply drops into my eyes. Something I certainly did not expect.

Yeah, that's a great moment, isn't it?

Quote from: 2cherry on November 21, 2016, 04:24:55 PM
Mirrors.

After FFS it's good to change my mirror, lighting and place the mirror somewhere else. The mind remembers your own face in the mirror and will get used to it. The mind can get used to many things and even ignore things. I am certain the mind can play tricks. At one moment I looked at my face, and I was certain I noticed my brow bossing... such an awkward moment... I really had to blink a few times, and look from another angle. And it was gone. It seems the mind simply reconstructs and project the image from memory it usually sees...?

Yes very interesting. I'm 2+ weeks post-op now and have been going around , hanging out with friends , wearing a beanie or a hairband to cover the scar. When I look in the mirror or take selfies I think, alright starting to get back to normal. Then the other day, I helped a gf paint a couple accent walls at her apartment and a couple pics were taken of me (that weren't me taking them) and for some reason I look ....different. Part of it is the swelling but part of it is just...the difference I guess. Just kinda funny how we get used to things ourselves.

Quote
Shower

Before, water would run over the brow bossing, and off the sides. But now, water simply drops into my eyes. Something I certainly did not expect.

OMG yes! This was one of the first things I noticed when I first took a shower. I had not given the brow bossing a thought.....I kind of assumed it was partly because my forehead is numb in places so I don't feel the water going down my forehead but that makes sense too.

Sooo interesting thanks for sharing , you're very brave

Tomorrow it's two weeks already... time is such a strange thing. I got operated on the night of the election. When I woke up, I heard that Trump had won. A strange idea, as if I woke up in a parallel Universe.  ^-^

Everything is going fine. Today I went shopping, and right now I am very tired, because of it. The body is working very hard. I can feel it. I can ride a bike, but not uphill. That takes too much energy, that I don't have.

I bought a gift for my surgeon, and wrapped it into a nice bag with some candy strewn around it. Can't wait to give it and see his response. He worked very hard on me, something I deeply respect.

Well, that's it for now. I am going to bed early, I need it.

I just want to say that this thread continues to be wonderful 2Cherry. I loved the 'water in the eyes' post a few back :)

Well done on all your progress.

xx

Quote from: 2cherry on November 22, 2016, 01:00:30 PM
Tomorrow it's two weeks already... time is such a strange thing. I got operated on the night of the election. When I woke up, I heard that Trump had won. A strange idea, as if I woke up in a parallel Universe.  ^-^

One theory for parallel universe theory is that every decision we make or every event that could be in either one state or another....causes (or exists) another universe where the other option was taken.

So in some cases you may not be wrong. In some other universe, Hillary won. Then again in some other universe, you may not have gotten FFS. Or have even been trans. Weird how that all works. i find that stuff interesting.

Quote from: Debra on November 22, 2016, 09:00:51 PM
One theory for parallel universe theory is that every decision we make or every event that could be in either one state or another....causes (or exists) another universe where the other option was taken.

So in some cases you may not be wrong. In some other universe, Hillary won. Then again in some other universe, you may not have gotten FFS. Or have even been trans. Weird how that all works. i find that stuff interesting.

Yes, I've been watching a lot of Youtube documentaries lately, even one about a billion universes inside a kind of bubble, which was inside a kind of membrane that contains trillions of bubbles each containing a billion universes or something...   :o :D

15 days post-op.

Many spots on my face are still numb: mouth, nose, forehead and chin. Can't smile yet. The jaw has some very hard spots on them. The body doesn't like jaw surgery. The nose is clear, but it feels if someone is pinching my nose right now. Has been so since day one. Hairline scar is healing very nice. I go outside without any covering. It's barely visible. A few days ago the stitches were removed from my nose. Well, with all the pain and suffering through this journey as transwoman, it didn't do much. Pain? pfff... waking up after a full FFS, that is pain.

No.... pain doesn't impress me anymore.

Yesterday I did some makeup. And wow... each day I look better. It is like a mask has come off! the forehead, brow bossing + nose is truly different. These procedures make all the difference. The rest is complementary and nice. I am still tired quickly. I can eat a lot of foods, but it is still difficult to chew. I can't chew hard things at all. I still got stitches across my entire gumlines, above and below. Right now it is more discomfort than anything else.

In a moment I will go for a long walk, one maybe 2 hours. I need to get fit.

My confidence is boosted by 50%. When I walk outside. I no longer try to turn my face away. Rather, I now look at people when they look at me. Something I did not do before. My face looks so soft (forehead) that I KNOW I look female. I no longer doubt or second guess myself... which is a priceless feeling. They told me that it can take months for the final result. I am very pleased already...

My surgeon gave me this plastic syringe to clean my mouth with salt water: (alcohol/mouthwash is forbidden, as it kills cells)

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FbGkVjM0.jpg%3F1&hash=c8c18ae5a5fd3142a7710708c7cfcd71e472fa17)

It produces a jet stream of water, very pleasant. I also use it to clean my nose. Truly recommended.

Before facial surgery, I realized that there had been a lag in how people read me... like, it took a half-second or so for my gender to properly register.  After, that lag was gone -- I was instantly perceived as female. 

Today I managed to do a two hour walk through nature. It felt great and refreshing.

When I entered the forest, a beautiful Dragonfly landed on my coat. It was staring at me, and I noticed it was breathing heavily for a good minute. I love dragonflies, and like us, they too go through an extremely painful transformation from nymph to adult, where they rip through their old skin after living in the darkness of the water for 3 years. In Japan they are the symbol of joy and transformation. It's autumn, and seeing a dragonfly landing on my coat was an amazing experience. Nature is so extremely beautiful. In my reality, things happen for a reason.

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FyDn8RLr.jpg%3F1&hash=ea9249312b04a98396c8faae276931e3b934ba97)

A gift. Time to fly.

I love your dragonfly analogy. So beautiful.
xx

Quote from: Sophia Sage on November 24, 2016, 09:00:49 AM
Before facial surgery, I realized that there had been a lag in how people read me... like, it took a half-second or so for my gender to properly register.  After, that lag was gone -- I was instantly perceived as female.

Interesting. I have noticed, even with the puffiness and stuff that I have a newfound confidence in how I'm gendered. I feel like it is much more easily done as well.....but maybe it is partially confidence, I dunno.

The thing about how you're gendered is that it's still so hard to get into other people's heads.

I had met two people in person who had had FFS before I did through a college support group when I was in grad school and starting my transition, both of whom regretted it to some extent. One said she didn't like her nose, more or less because it looked like a very ordinary plastic surgery result (she was absolutely gorgeous), and the other complained how she couldn't pass, though she seemed to make little effort to present herself in a very feminine manner — not that she has to, of course.

So I fully expected to still be very self-conscious after FFS, and lo and behold, I am! Only a lot less than I was. I do notice a change in how people perceive me and interact with me, and a good one. I think people are frankly a little bit nicer to me. But trying to understand how others really perceive my gender is still a rabbit hole of second-guessing, suspicion, and self-doubt.

Quote from: Rachel Richenda on November 25, 2016, 10:46:00 AM
I love your dragonfly analogy. So beautiful.
xx

Thanks Rachel, I hope it helps you a bit with your surgery.  It's going to be fine. :)

Quote from: Alyssa M. on November 25, 2016, 03:39:04 PMI had met two people in person who had had FFS before I did through a college support group when I was in grad school and starting my transition, both of whom regretted it to some extent. One said she didn't like her nose, more or less because it looked like a very ordinary plastic surgery result (she was absolutely gorgeous), and the other complained how she couldn't pass, though she seemed to make little effort to present herself in a very feminine manner — not that she has to, of course.

I... I want to facepalm.

No, facial surgery isn't going to cure any other neuroses.  And no, if it doesn't absolve one of the work, of deprogramming the previously constructed persona, of learning and practicing the culture into which one wants to assimilate.  Not that one is obliged to assimilate, but if that's what you want to do, it takes more than surgery.

QuoteThe thing about how you're gendered is that it's still so hard to get into other people's heads.

...I do notice a change in how people perceive me and interact with me, and a good one. I think people are frankly a little bit nicer to me. But trying to understand how others really perceive my gender is still a rabbit hole of second-guessing, suspicion, and self-doubt.

If they say "miss" or "ma'am" at first glance, when the first words come out of your mouth, they're gendering you female.  If random women smile at you in passing, they're gendering you female.  If straight guys try flirting with you, they're gendering you female... and you're pretty to boot. 

If there are ungainly pauses, if there are double takes, then there is ambiguity.  And, naturally, if people already know your medical history, then there is also ambiguity.

Some reflection on my transition.

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F1gY31Ki.jpg&hash=e80daf6cab474c725a7ad05c756b2a5a3a8fad83)

The thing that hurt me most of all was friends and family leaving, go silent and cold... the surgeries are temporary pain. Not being loved is forever. After this struggle to become myself, I am left alone with myself. This transition taught me how heartless people are. In the past I was there for everyone, day and night. But when I needed help, I was left to fend for myself. Like an abandoned dog tied to a tree, because she became such a hassle...

When I was in the hospital for SRS, I tried to contact family. They never visited. When I had FFS, they never visited. It didn't even faze them. Watching TV was far more important for them. Alone and in incredible pain, I learned another lesson: no-one loves me. I've been used and abused by everyone in my life. Everyone. It makes me cold too... because when the tide turns, will I stand next to their hospital bed when something happens to them? I don't think so...

Since I am a very nice person (I really am) I tried one last time: I invited them for Christmas... but no reply. No-one will come. So I think I am done with this. I don't expect any contact in the future. And for my own sanity, I just imagine they are all dead. It makes it easier for me. My heart froze over, and I don't want it to shatter.

As you can see, I am working towards closure right now. I have to close things, in order to continue. Since 2009, I never seen anyone. Not a phone call, not a text-message, not a letter. Nothing. So I guess it is time to close and move on. It is decided.

I own this body, I own this accomplishment.

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2Fnq0bdVI.jpg%3F1&hash=32ac5811480f27c75c448e03a19b922607418be1)

That's  pretty brutal , i can't understand  it ,well i can , mind you i am estranged  from my family , but it was me who cut them off for various  reasons ,
Still as  you said you have accomplished  a lot  , the only thing to do is keep   moving forward

Quote from: 2cherry on November 28, 2016, 05:51:48 AMAs you can see, I am working towards closure right now. I have to close things, in order to continue. Since 2009, I never seen anyone. Not a phone call, not a text-message, not a letter. Nothing. So I guess it is time to close and move on. It is decided.

I own this body, I own this accomplishment.

Now you're breaking my heart.   :(

Quote from: 2cherry on November 28, 2016, 05:51:48 AM
The thing that hurt me most of all was friends and family leaving, go silent and cold... the surgeries are temporary pain. Not being loved is forever. After this struggle to become myself, I am left alone with myself. This transition taught me how heartless people are. In the past I was there for everyone, day and night. But when I needed help, I was left to fend for myself. Like an abandoned dog tied to a tree, because she became such a hassle...

When I was in the hospital for SRS, I tried to contact family. They never visited. When I had FFS, they never visited. It didn't even faze them. Watching TV was far more important for them. Alone and in incredible pain, I learned another lesson: no-one loves me. I've been used and abused by everyone in my life. Everyone. It makes me cold too... because when the tide turns, will I stand next to their hospital bed when something happens to them? I don't think so...

Since I am a very nice person (I really am) I tried one last time: I invited them for Christmas... but no reply. No-one will come. So I think I am done with this. I don't expect any contact in the future. And for my own sanity, I just imagine they are all dead. It makes it easier for me. My heart froze over, and I don't want it to shatter.

As you can see, I am working towards closure right now. I have to close things, in order to continue. Since 2009, I never seen anyone. Not a phone call, not a text-message, not a letter. Nothing. So I guess it is time to close and move on. It is decided.

I own this body, I own this accomplishment.

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2Fnq0bdVI.jpg%3F1&hash=32ac5811480f27c75c448e03a19b922607418be1)

Amen girl. Amen. Same feels here. I have had to make new family through friends and such because the blood family (most of them) rejected me. Physical pain hurts but emotional pain can last and go deep. It's been part of the journey to be able to let go of that hurt and move on.

That's so awful to read 2Cherry. I can see why a lot of transgendered people start afresh in a new location and with new friends. My father cut me off twice: once for six years and again for two years. In transitioning I lost some 'friends' but if you're whole family have gone silent and sour that's tough. There are lots of others out there and a whole community of support and love.

Hugs x

Thanks everyone  :)

It's been 3 weeks already. Time flies right now.

Today I went to my surgeon. He removed the stitches from my mouth. My entire gumline above and below was stitched. This time, it hurt pretty bad when he removed them from my top gumline. Kinda like electrolysis but then inside my mouth. If that makes any sense... But it was just a moment, and I have gotten used to feeling pain.

It feels good now they are gone. My mouth is free again after 3 weeks. Stitches are super annoying, especially if your whole mouth is stitched up. So it was worth the short bursts of pain.

Well, not much to write anymore. Healing is going fine. Still some swelling, insensitivity. But overall I can't complain.  ^-^

3.5 weeks, approaching the one month post-op fast now.

The forehead is regaining some sensation again. Especially in the sinus area and the brows. But the closer to the hairline, the less I feel. It's still numb. Sometimes it is itching, but I can't scratch. The scars heals very nice along the hairline. There are days where I don't use concealer on it, it's barely visible. A very tiny red line, as thick as two hairs maybe. My surgeon used staples, he said that would be better than stitches. I see why.

The cheeks/zygoma itch sometimes. Which is a good thing. The muscles are reattaching to the bones. I still have some stitches inside my nose. They haven't dissolved yet. But they don't bother me at all. The mouth is healing very well, especially after the stitches were removed. Less inflamed. My neck sometimes hurt, from the liposuction under the chin. But only when I stretch my head upwards.

Oh, and:

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fcdn.someecards.com%2Fsomeecards%2Ffilestorage%2Finjured-myself-confession-ecard-someecards.jpg&hash=afe7c6d6284bf4755d8647aa93a44930565c3fe5)  :laugh:

The jaw is doing fine, chin also. The gumline reattached itself to my chin. A week out, and I could see my chin bone (white) through a tiny hole in my gumline. But now it has healed and closed up with tissue. The body is amazing.

Things that annoy me:

Numb feeling on top of head, and a small spot on chin. The skin of my chin is also sensitive. The skin tightness has gone for the most part, but there are still spots that are lingering. The inability to feel the top of my head is annoying, especially when I want to itch. The feeling of itching feels good if you can scratch it. Once that is gone, you really miss it! Right now, it feels I am wearing a baseball cap 24/7. But only when I notice it, I start to focus on it. When I am distracted and busy, I seem to forget all about it.

Which brings me to this pseudo philosophical musing:

These surgical experiences taught me what makes me human: I am not only my brains, nor my thoughts. The body is whole. A complete system. Once you can't do something, you'll miss it and realize that the human experience is the complete body. Being unable to pee yourself, feeling things on your body that doesn't belong there like stitches, the inability to scratch your head, being unable to breath through your nose for a day or two, all these little things are what makes us human... So I don't believe in these science fiction stories about cyborgs, where they put a set of brains inside a machine. It's never going to work, because we need the body. The body is complete and what we call living is the completeness of it all. Such a simple thing of being able to pee yourself is something you treasure after having a catheter for a while. No, I don't believe in the idea of cyborgs. The brain and thoughts are only a tiny fraction of what it means to be and feel human. Without a body, you won't feel anything. What's left is just a computer without any input. And I dare to say that there aren't even thoughts, because without sensations what is there to think about...?


(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FsV4yhYr.jpg%3F1&hash=b1c3272f6a4f8fd449f043955929142172e520d7)

Human Cyborg by Tara-beauty (http://tara-beauty.deviantart.com/art/Human-Cyborg-627893671)

KRAIL: Our life span was getting shorter, so our scientists and doctors devised spare parts for our bodies until we could be almost completely replaced.

POLLY: But that means you're not like us. You're robots!

KRAIL: Our brains are just like yours except that certain weaknesses have been removed.

BARCLAY: Weaknesses? What weaknesses?

KRAIL: You call them emotions, do you not?

Something like that!  ;)

A few thoughts...

In January I will have the lip lift, which the surgeon didn't do yet. He wanted to wait, and I am glad he did. There are several techniques, and I want the best one. I've looked into the endonasal technique, which hinges the top lip to the inside of the nose, which prevents drooping over the years.

Video endonasal technique: youtube.com / watch?v=4Z7z5EfqVWw (warning, extremely graphic! ...as in blood)

In viewing so much of these things, obsessed, I am really desensitized and can watch this while having breakfast. lol.  :D

When I look at my face, I still see the jaw is a bit swollen. Chin as well. I want to see what it looks like when the swelling is gone... right now I am thinking: I need more jaw/chin work... but I have to be patient with healing. In a few months I will be able to make a good decision if I will pursue further revision, and more jaw work. But maybe it is in my mind... the dysphoria that kicks in along with facial dysmorphia.

The lip lift is really needed. My top lip is too long, and it just doesn't work without it. The lip lift will bring back good proportions.

The nose looks fine, I won't have any revision. I know it's swollen, so it will get down. The moment I took the aluminum cast of, I was extremely happy. Then it began to swell and lost the feeling of happiness. But I must realize that it takes so long to see the final result.

I also had some bouts of post-op depression. It comes and goes, similar after having had SRS/GRS. Just exhausted... being unable to do and be who I am and want is annoying. I also get stressed quicker. A trip to the grocery store is extremely exhausting. All these people around me make me dizzy and stressed, it makes me want to run away and go back home quick.

Cool about the lip lift. Yeah prob good to wait.

I wouldn't mind a lip lift but due to my bigger teeth and overbite, I already show teeth so it would make me look way too toothy.

Tomorrow it will be 4 weeks, one month mark post-op. :icon_dance:

I removed the internal nose sutures myself, because my nostrils became too much swollen and inflamed risking tight scars. The sutures were supposed to fall out, but sometimes they refuse. Was easy to do with sterile equipment. They came out easy as well, as the body already started to work them out. I had to remove them, because they dried up each day and possibly making ugly scars. I don't recommend you do this yourself, but I did. I have some experience. Even with my SRS I debrided some dead tissue myself with a scalpel, so I am very comfortable with that. Did I mention that I always wanted to be a surgeon? I have the motor skills, not the training. Fate dragged and raised me into a home of poverty, so getting a medical degree was utopia...

Nose is getting much better now the internal sutures are gone. I still have a runny nose when I go from a hot to a cold room and the other way around. I can blow my nose with ease, but I do not force it. Much of the healing is steady, and nothing is remarkable. My forehead is somewhat sensitive again, but the closer to the scar the less I feel. Top of my head is numb, although some patches are getting back. It still feels as if I am wearing a baseball cap.

What remains is exhaustion... very tired at times, and I sleep 9-12 hours on end. Much healing is done in REM sleep, so that is a good sign actually.

It is cold right now, sub zero. Ice and stuff. And when outside, my forehead doesn't like it. I need to wear something to cover it, because my head feels very heavy when I walk outside. Last few days I spent inside. Did not want to go outside, just tired.

Getting ready for the day takes longer than usual:

- washing hair is still problematic, it's not easy. Have to be careful not to pull.
- salt water mouth flushing
- cleaning my nose each day, takes at least 15 minutes.
- gently cleaning my face.
- applying vaseline to scars before sleeping.

Everything goes a bit slower than I've used to.

Also still a bit of mental fog...

Oh, and did I mention this:

When my sense of smell came back, it was both a blessing and a curse. I smelled the smell of dog food for a couple of days... turns out, the smell was inside my nose.  ;D ...And thus the nose cleaning routine commenseth...

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FNSqgDfi.jpg&hash=7ad9abed2ad08a8de7fedb4b2d063553d7dc2037)

 :D :D :D :

xx

Today is 4 weeks, one month mark.

Before going to bed last night, I noticed a little bit of blood along my hairline in a tiny spot. Apparently, the skin came a bit loose. After applying Vaseline and going to bed, it healed when I woke up today. So, even after 4 weeks I have to be very careful with the hairline. It's something minor, but still...

Everything is fine. I do get annoyed by the forehead sometimes... I start to think: heal will ya? what's taking this so long...? get over it!  ;D it happens when I feel stressed and panicky.

I can feel my forehead again, but about 1 inch from and around the hairline it's completely numb. The surgeon could remove sutures and staples and I did not feel a thing. (good I guess...)

Last night, I slept on my side and my head started to hurt.... what odd, I thought. Well, sensation is starting to come back on top of my head and the sides. But with sensation also comes pain! slowly I feel the numbness is pulling away towards the hairline. But's very slow.

Ok, I made a picture just before I prepared to go to sleep.  :)

The picture will last only for a day. It will 007  :icon_suspicious: self destruct after 24 hours. I am very shy... sorry.

So here I am: https://unsee.cc/temapiro/

Nothing fancy, just a very bad attempt at photographing my new profile in my bathroom.

I am very happy with the result. But I could use the lip lift. Which is planned for January.

What a gorgeous pic 2Cherry. You look so feminine: fabulous fabulous, honey xx

Quote from: Rachel Richenda on December 07, 2016, 05:48:42 PM
What a gorgeous pic 2Cherry. You look so feminine: fabulous fabulous, honey xx

Thanks!  ;D  ;)

Another day... another rant.

So far the healing is going well. The exhaustion is still there. Especially today. There are moments where I am thinking: "was it worth it?" but then I look at the before and after pictures, and I smile. Yes it was worth it. But the price is high, especially in recovery. FFS is no joke, it can be brutal. Emotionally as well as physically. To me, SRS seems like a joke now. FFS is surgery on your face. Your skull. Your head. They literally are sawing into your skull, and burring bone away with tools. The movie SAW is a fairytale, compared what FFS will do. (especially if you do full FFS like I did) It is something to think very carefully about. Are you ready? ...truly ready? This ain't no joke. It will put you in your place. It's humbling! That much is true...

The aftermath isn't fun either. My forehead is still numb, and that is annoying. It's gets old after a while, and you wonder: will it ever feel normal again? a mouth full of stitches is also something that heals very slow. Ever had you wisdom tooth pulled? well, multiply that times ten and then you get an idea of what it feels like when they saw your chin, jaw and cheekbones in half and stitch it all up.

It gets better each day, but there are moments that everything seems depressed... this is one of those days.

Maybe because the holiday season is here, and I am all alone.... another year gone, alone. A new face, but my heart is still the same.

I can so identify with that and I didn't have half the sawing procedures some do. I was also incredibly lucky that a close friend just decided on the spur of the moment to fly out to be with me for a week. She returned yesterday which was hard.

FFS really isn't a joke. I'm off for my one week checkup shortly. I know Dr Sutin has done an incredible job but that doesn't alter the fact that the procedures leave you mauled, and as you say both physically and emotionally.

Hold on in there hon. You look fab.

xx

Quote from: 2cherry on December 04, 2016, 07:03:30 AM
Something like that!  ;)

A few thoughts...

In January I will have the lip lift, which the surgeon didn't do yet. He wanted to wait, and I am glad he did.

Snap. It's the one thing I didn't have done on my wish list but Dr Sutin was pretty firm that doing a lip lift at the same time as nose work can produce 'wonky results.' It's better to let the nose heal and settle, then do the lip. I respect a surgeon who sometimes says, 'no' or 'not yet.'

Oh boo, I'm gone for a day and I miss the pictures.

I'll say it again -- for me it was at two months that everything finally started to click.  Not just the visual results, either, which were apparent earlier.  But that's when I started getting the sense that I was healed, not a hundred percent, but rather enough.  That's when I started feeling like my face was mine, and it was working the way I wanted it to work, when enough stiffness was gone.  And that's when I really started to feel my energy and mood return.  At about three to four months, I pretty much felt "normal." 

At five months out, I was ready for minor revisions -- a little more burring of the jawline, just for symmetry, and scar revision, all under twilight sleep, not major anesthesia. That only took about 3 weeks of recovery to get back to where I was before. 

All this to say, not only is facial surgery incredibly brutal and draining and profound (and expensive), but it's also very time-consuming, especially when you get the whole wax.

Quote from: 2cherry on December 08, 2016, 06:13:09 PM
Another day... another rant.

So far the healing is going well. The exhaustion is still there. Especially today. There are moments where I am thinking: "was it worth it?" but then I look at the before and after pictures, and I smile. Yes it was worth it. But the price is high, especially in recovery. FFS is no joke, it can be brutal. Emotionally as well as physically. To me, SRS seems like a joke now. FFS is surgery on your face. Your skull. Your head. They literally are sawing into your skull, and burring bone away with tools. The movie SAW is a fairytale, compared what FFS will do. (especially if you do full FFS like I did) It is something to think very carefully about. Are you ready? ...truly ready? This ain't no joke. It will put you in your place. It's humbling! That much is true...

The aftermath isn't fun either. My forehead is still numb, and that is annoying. It's gets old after a while, and you wonder: will it ever feel normal again? a mouth full of stitches is also something that heals very slow. Ever had you wisdom tooth pulled? well, multiply that times ten and then you get an idea of what it feels like when they saw your chin, jaw and cheekbones in half and stitch it all up.

It gets better each day, but there are moments that everything seems depressed... this is one of those days.

Maybe because the holiday season is here, and I am all alone.... another year gone, alone. A new face, but my heart is still the same.

Hang in there, sweetie. I can totally relate to what you said. FFS is brutally painful, at least it can be if you have a lot of things done at once, which I know you did. 

I am almost three months post-op, and right now the worst part is the healing of the nerves.  The shooting pains in my forehead, orbital bones, ears, and jaw, and the electric sensations in an otherwise numb forehead. How is it possible that something can be numb and hurt at the same time???  In a weird paradox, I can really feel the numbness in the parts of my face where the nerves haven't fully recovered. I guess my brain is desperately searching for input from those areas because nearby nerves are now working.

Yes, the mouth sutures were really bothersome!  Thank goodness, they have finally resorbed. I can even open my jaw enough to floss normally now. The next problem is I have sutures surfacing near my nostrils where I had the lip lift.  I thought I was done with that! Apparently not.

I'm glad you think FFS was worse than SRS, because I have that scheduled next, and I am not looking forward to another extended session of pain and recovery. 

My best wishes for a speedy recovery, 2cherry. My thoughts are with you.

With kindness,

Terri

Thank you so much... I really appreciate it. I had a very bad day yesterday.

Today I slept a bit longer, I listened to my body. My body wanted sleep, and I let it...  Today I slept 12 hours (waking up in between) and I really needed it. right now I feel very good again. So listening to my body is the right thing to do.

I uploaded my picture for another day: https://unsee.cc/siropabu/

In time, I think I will post a before and after post. But only when I am fully healed. My nose, chin and jaw are still swollen much.

You are gorgeous 2Cherry. What you said about listening to the body? It's so true isn't it? After this flight I'm going to take it mega easy.

Hang on in there honey. You're an inspiration to me and many others and you look fab :)

xx

Quote from: 2cherry on December 09, 2016, 10:48:50 AM
In time, I think I will post a before and after post. But only when I am fully healed. My nose, chin and jaw are still swollen much.

You are smart. I posted a 1 month FFS B&A on another forum and a bunch of people were freaking out that the changes weren't dramatic enough. Reassuring them that my face was going to be better once it healed was a strange exercise.

Quote from: Rachel Richenda on December 09, 2016, 03:13:27 PM
You are gorgeous 2Cherry. What you said about listening to the body? It's so true isn't it? After this flight I'm going to take it mega easy.

Hang on in there honey. You're an inspiration to me and many others and you look fab :)

xx

Thanks  ;) <3

I notice that I heal a lot when asleep. Just before I fall asleep I feel these shooting little pains on my head increasing in number. Sometimes they feel funny, and tingly in a nice way... at other times it feels as if a bug is biting my head. So a mixed bag, really.

The forehead now feels as if I have a warm washcloth laying on my forehead. Feels soft and nice... other times it feels tight. Especially in the first two weeks, that tightness of the forehead was something! now it's more flexible, and even moves again when I raise my eyebrows. So it's slowly healing.  ^-^

2cherry, that looks like a wonderful result, especially given that you were the first trans woman the surgeon worked on.  Simply amazing!

By the way, you and I were both born in the same year and had FFS the same year, haha!  Although I went to Dr Zukowski for my FFS, and you transitioned years before I did.  :)

Quote from: EmilyMK03 on December 09, 2016, 06:05:24 PM
2cherry, that looks like a wonderful result, especially given that you were the first trans woman the surgeon worked on.  Simply amazing!

By the way, you and I were both born in the same year and had FFS the same year, haha!  Although I went to Dr Zukowski for my FFS, and you transitioned years before I did.  :)

Thanks!

Yes, I queried my surgeon about this. But he does operate on cancer patients a lot. People with cancer on the forehead, and he basically accesses the same area.

He's a maxillofacial surgeon, so he has 15+ years of study and training before he was ever allowed to operate on a face. These people are the highest skilled surgeons, because of their long training. They are also dentists and plastic surgeons. They can reconstruct complete faces from injury, illness and in my case feminize a face.

He also told me that he just follows well established procedures. Step by step. There is no guess work.

He has access to all this material, and we don't.  Here is a good example of a step by step procedure (https://www2.aofoundation.org/wps/portal/!ut/p/a0/04_Sj9CPykssy0xPLMnMz0vMAfGjzOKN_A0M3D2DDbz9_UMMDRyDXQ3dw9wMDAzMjfULsh0VAbWjLW0!/?approach=Coronal%20approach&bone=CMF&classification=93-Frontal%20sinus%2C%20Anterior%20table%20fractures&implantstype=&method=Open%20reduction%20internal%20fixation&redfix_url=&segment=Cranium&showPage=approach&treatment=Operative&contentUrl=/srg/93/04-Approaches/A70_Coronal-approach.jsp) But be very careful in viewing this page. It shows step by step how to operate on the forehead and is extremely graphic, with fullscreen intraop photo's.

Personally, I like to look at these photo's so that I can process what has happened. But sometimes it's too much. Can't imagine seeing this in real life. But seeing this, makes me appreciate how difficult it is. And how much I respect my surgeon.  :)

Quote from: 2cherry on December 09, 2016, 04:38:38 PM
Just before I fall asleep I feel these shooting little pains on my head increasing in number. Sometimes they feel funny, and tingly in a nice way... at other times it feels as if a bug is biting my head. So a mixed bag, really.

Yes!  The sensations are the worst when I lay down to go to sleep!  It's not so much painful as extremely annoying.

~Terri

Quote from: 2cherry on December 09, 2016, 08:35:58 PM
Thanks!

Yes, I queried my surgeon about this. But he does operate on cancer patients a lot. People with cancer on the forehead, and he basically accesses the same area.

He's a maxillofacial surgeon, so he has 15+ years of study and training before he was ever allowed to operate on a face. These people are the highest skilled surgeons, because of their long training. They are also dentists and plastic surgeons. They can reconstruct complete faces from injury, illness and in my case feminize a face.

He also told me that he just follows well established procedures. Step by step. There is no guess work.

He has access to all this material, and we don't.  Here is a good example of a step by step procedure (https://www2.aofoundation.org/wps/portal/!ut/p/a0/04_Sj9CPykssy0xPLMnMz0vMAfGjzOKN_A0M3D2DDbz9_UMMDRyDXQ3dw9wMDAzMjfULsh0VAbWjLW0!/?approach=Coronal%20approach&bone=CMF&classification=93-Frontal%20sinus%2C%20Anterior%20table%20fractures&implantstype=&method=Open%20reduction%20internal%20fixation&redfix_url=&segment=Cranium&showPage=approach&treatment=Operative&contentUrl=/srg/93/04-Approaches/A70_Coronal-approach.jsp) But be very careful in viewing this page. It shows step by step how to operate on the forehead and is extremely graphic, with fullscreen intraop photo's.

Personally, I like to look at these photo's so that I can process what has happened. But sometimes it's too much. Can't imagine seeing this in real life. But seeing this, makes me appreciate how difficult it is. And how much I respect my surgeon.  :)

Your surgeon is indeed a genius , i have enormous  respect for surgeons to me they are god like

Okay, I was a bit ranting yesterday. Sorry, I was a bit bored and nothing to do then just sit on Susan's an read/comment.  :D

Well, here it is....

I managed to do a before and after photo:

https://unsee.cc/zebugoni/

My nose is still swollen, and my face looks still a bit tight so I cannot smile much.  ;D

After seeing this I appreciate the power of FFS. I also can't imagine that I looked like that before... granted, the before photo was taken while I was just shy of 3 months on hormones and not much changed from yet. But the profile looks remarkable, if I may say myself.  ^-^

Definitely worth it. I am over the moon when I see these pictures.  :icon_giggle:

What do you think?

I think its marvelous  .... what a difference  !!! 

Wow. Wow. Wow. Basically it's simple: on the left you do have a male profile. On the right you have a completely female one. That's my first take impression and so I hope you don't mind me sharing it. You look fantastic now honey: you are a woman. That's the power of great FFS to alter the outward appearance of our inner reality.

I just re-looked and no-one would doubt for a moment that you're a woman.

xx

Aw, thanks everyone...  :) it's definitely worth all the pain and annoyance to finally see myself.

I said to my surgeon: "It's like you pulled off a mask! that's me!"

I've been taking some extra vitamins. Especially B, which helps with nerve damage. Nerves (re) grow at a rate of about 1mm a day, and B vitamins helps. Extra B1 + B9 + B12 especially. But be very careful with vitamin B6, too much B6 will damage (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vitamin_B6#Toxicity) nerves, mostly in the legs. Many commercial supplements have too much B6.

Oh that's interesting. I've been taking berocca but recently switched to half a tablet of it a day out of concerns for vitamin overdose.

Excellent!

The forehead work is so, so important to opening up our eyes... and it's through the eyes that we try to look into each others' souls. 

Wait until I post the frontal shots....  ;D still have to heal for that, but one day I will post them.

I think my surgeon has made me 10 years younger. It's amazing.

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FUA33bKz.jpg%3F1&hash=bcf86f43aa354cead9f5027d45c4ed424d37dfc4)

Okay,

Here are some pictures I took last summer. A few months before FFS. They are not photoshopped, because, well, I don't have photoshop. Only paint.  ;D

https://unsee.cc/biredamo/

They stay online for 24 hours.

Can't wait for the summer of 2017! it's going to  be great.  ^-^

Most of the pictures are taken on my apartments balcony. I live in the Netherlands, the last picture is typical of the landscape: flat! just like my forehead right now.  :laugh:

I take that back about the masculine profile before FFS  :D You look so lovely. Can't wait to see all the after ones.

You're gorgeous!

xx

I've read the captain's log, regarding procedures done on my nose and the tools used. This was a bit of a mystery as I did not know exactly what was done.

1. open incision
2. footplate resection, cephale edge.
3. lowering nose
4. hump reduction
5. spreader grafts
6. various osteotomies.

- Kefzol
- Tampons
- Denver splints
- 5x prolene sutures.

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FiICCnDl.jpg&hash=6c4daaaa5b3386b6501bf41c6710307192043239)

Not much has changed over the last week.

I did notice that there was this liquidly feeling behind my forehead, and the brow was a bit swollen in the corner for a day, it looked like the orbital bone was back but it was fluid. Now it has subsided some. Swelling comes and goes on the forehead, it's unpredictable.

The forehead doesn't bother me no more. Feeling has returned to the sinus area.  Feeling radiates back to about half an inch from the hairline. Numbness is only apparent when I touch the top of my head and forehead. But day to day, I don't pay attention to it unless I rub my head. So that's a big relief. When I watch TV, I don't notice anything.

My nose has become less runny, and it's pretty much healed to the point where I can touch it without discomfort.

Feeling in my chin has return 99% a very tiny spot is still tingly. That was a huge relief, because I know it's healing well.

So what remains is:

- some tightness in mouth, because of sutures. still some limited movement. Can smile for 70%.
- numbness on top of head, the size of a fist.
- forehead mushiness/tingling.
- incision on nose is a bit numb
- a minor numb spot above my right top lip

That's about it. Nothing major.

One thing that is still here: tiredness. I am tired very quickly. Not so much physically, but mentally. Anything that involves deep thinking and organizing is very taxing. It is normal after major surgery. Around 6 weeks it should be better, but only after one year are wounds completely healed.

Last few weeks I altered my diet a bit. I started to eat more fatty salmon almost every two days, and added multi vitamin to my diet. I also used extra calcium tablets and vitamin D.

Been a bit down today.

I've been taking stock of my life since a few days. The last 8 years, the only thing I have been doing was transitioning... now that I have had my FFS, I can put another year to it. Healing, that is what I have been doing. But those 8 years are gone. I can't go back and live them... 8 years of struggle, ridicule, exclusion, and silent treatments. 8 years, just to become myself. And now that I am finally start to feel something again, I don't know where I am or where I am going.

Transitioning comes at a cost: I lost time, work, friends and family.

Pretty much every reason for waking up each day, being alive, staying alive and not go insane. I lost it.

I am torn to pieces by loneliness, silent treatments and being the black sheep. The outsider, the 3rd person, somewhere in between. Not exactly male, not exactly female. Synthetic to some and horrendous to others. Excluded from everything, cast out, in exile.

Faith is one of the main reasons I am still sane. And even that is being ridiculed...

Last night I dreamt of a friend. I miss her so much... so so much. But I was stabbed in the back by those I loved. And for what... for absolutely nothing. Being dumped and trampled. Then I read advise like: oh, forget the past. I can't. It's how I feel, and how can that be wrong... how can it be wrong to feel down and be sentimental? It's a human emotion. I am a human being.

Another Christmas alone... really want to know why I deserve this. I would take my responsibility for anything. But all I get is the silent treatment, expecting me to be clairvoyant or whatever... What did I do? I only wanted to love and give love. But love is too direct... people are afraid. Healing hurts. Love hurts. Maybe I am socially inept. Awkward, afraid, afraid of myself. Yes... maybe. But everyone feels like this in a while. And they manage to do fine. Maybe I am crazy... wouldn't surprise me. The gaslighting and second guessing continues...

I know a brighter day will come... but I am still lost in the twilight.

Oh honey :(

Do you live in the same place as you were before transitioning? I know some people benefit from a clean break, but that's also very tough in a way. I lost a couple of friends, one of them close, through the process and it continues to hurt. Yours sounds on another level again. Christmas is a particularly horrible time in that regard. Don't forget too that there are lots of people who hurt around this time, for all sorts of reasons including bereavement.

I hope you can find more people in your life who are supportive and lovely to you.

I've had a tough time for different reasons https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,216392.msg1925238.html#msg1925238

I guess going through this just ain't easy. Your level of emotional hurt makes it tougher. Please take a big virtual hug hon. If it helps to be told it: you're soooooooo lovely.
xx

Thank you Rachel!  :)

I've moved couple of times...

But no matter where I find a home, there are always troubled currents beneath me that keep stirring...

I was so down in the dumps for a good couple months after facial surgery, maybe three.  It is definitely a part of recovery.  It gets better. 

As to going forward with a clean break, and sorry to be blunt, but I don't think it's all that effective unless you consistently pass in the first place.  Facial work helps with that, yes, but it also depends on voice.  And, for better or worse, getting out into the world without a trans narrative -- at least in the Western world, which also means letting go of those people who aren't completely 100% onboard your interior reality.  I mean, assuming you want to assimilate, assuming you want consistent unadulterated female gendering.  Which it sounds like you do, based on your reaction to being othered as "synthetic" or "horrendous." 

So I wouldn't go by your experience with your previous moves, because before your facial surgery you probably weren't where you needed to be physically to get gendered properly. 

And then, at least in my experience, it took several years to actually assimilate.  In some areas of my life it was quick, in other areas not so much, just subtle things about social expectations and whatnot, which of course vary from place to place as so much of it is specifically cultural.  For me, a fresh start included a new career.  New friends, new lovers, new coworkers, and living nowhere near where I'd ever lived before (I think 300 miles or 500 km is a decent rule of thumb) so "the story" wouldn't have the legs to follow me.  Of course, that was nearly two decades ago, and the fractionization of the United States is more severe, I think, than that of Europe. 

No, we can't forget the past.  But letting go of it is not the same as forgetting it.  Rather, we can escape its gravitational pull: weiter, weiter, immer weiter.

Or are the "troubled currents" you speak of something far different?

Thanks Sophia,

You are right, I am still in the embryonic stage of healing... just a month plus a few days. It's major surgery, something I forget often... maybe because it's so normal these days to have FFS, we don't consider it a big deal anymore. But it is... it's really big.

I still have some issues with self acceptance and some inferiority complex, which was hammered into me all my life. It's hard to let go of those thoughts if I only heard negative things said about me. I work on it, but it takes time.

I got the voice down. I practiced two years with a vocal coach, on a weekly basis. It's feminine. It did help that I am a singer and a musician. That helped a lot.

Would love to live in the US, I always wanted to live in the US since I was very young. Maybe one day.

I've definitely been down and frustrated myself of late. The fact that my face just doesn't look right yet has been difficult going  back to work .

My first day back at work was pretty depressing...it's gotten a lot better in the last week but still have a ways to go.

hugs

Thanks Debra! we're also close with our surgeries, you are a week ahead of me.  :)

There is a flu epidemic where I live. This is bad. Especially for me, because I just had surgery. I feel a bit low today, and nauseous... I think I have a mild flu, I hope it doesn't flare out. I am very careful, wearing gloves at all times (pin machines, atm, doorknobs, etc) and wash my hands for a minute. I try to avoid touching my face as well. I am more susceptible right now.

As for healing, I still feel the shooting pains on my head. Sometimes they hurt. As if a strand of hair is pulled from my head. I also had some shooting feelings inside my nose yesterday. I hope that is a good thing. They say it is.

Still exhausted with ease... I don't even feel like typing this. I just can't be bothered...

My personal difficulty rating based upon pain and discomfort combined:

Tooth pulled: 2/10
Drilling in a tooth: 3/10
Catheter pulled: 3/10
SRS surgery: 6/10
Bladder spasms: 7/10 (supposed to be one of the worst physical pains, feels like being stabbed)
FFS: 9/10
Vestibular Neuronitis: 10/10 (infected nerve of the inner ear)

Truly, this severe case of vestibular neuronitis nearly did me in, back in 2012. 24/7 vertigo and vomiting, and I nearly died from dehydration, it lasted 3 weeks and could not even walk. Had to lay still in bed all day. Even with my eyes closed the vertigo would go on. My eyes were rolling uncontrollably. My only escape was sleep. Truly frightening. I still cry when I even think about it. And have great compassion to those who suffer from it. I almost killed myself because of it. Like van Gogh, I was ready to cut of my ear! After 3 weeks I had to learn to walk again.

I do regard FFS the most taxing experience of my transition. If you never had surgery to your face, you can't even imagine. I could not. Now I know. It's mostly discomfort after the first week. But it's very, very, very exhausting. I had only two days of pain, but they were intense. As if someone had run over my head with a monster truck type of feeling.

As said before, I've been taking stock of my life the last few weeks...

I think I decided on a few things. It is time to burn bridges. In 2017 I am getting a new e-mail address, and thereby cutting ties with all those people who never contact me anyway. So why have it... why have them in my life, if they never visit, never call, and never send me an e-mail. Oh, yes they do send an e-mail when they want something from me. Not anymore.

Over and out. Now it's my time to live, for myself.

Quote from: 2cherry on December 16, 2016, 05:43:29 PMVestibular Neuronitis: 10/10 (infected nerve of the inner ear)

Oooh, I forgot about the searing stabby pain of the inner ear enervation.  Yeah, that's intolerable.

QuoteI think I decided on a few things. It is time to burn bridges.

Mmm hmm.  *nods sagely*

I was extremely lucky -- my immediate family was so invested in me, they transitioned too; they gender me impeccably.  Everyone else though, is no longer a part of my life, including previous friends, colleagues and coworkers, acquaintances, you name it.  This has turned out to be a great blessing.  For that is what gave me the opportunity to really move on to a post-transition life. 

Or perhaps a post-trans life.

I still think this is the most controversial subject in the community. 

It's a very different experience, living a woman's life without a trans narrative. And if it's at all possible, I think we owe ourselves to at least see what it's like.  Sure, I was nervous about it at first, but after a year or two it became second nature, or rather first nature, and I went a good four or five years without having to talk about the subject at all. Which also took another bridge -- not one to burn down, but one to leave behind. Which was the trans community itself. I stopped going to therapists, and support groups, and internet boards.  And in the meantime, I made new friends and lovers, got into a long-term relationship, found new work, and no one said anything.  Eventually, there came days where I didn't even think of it.

What glorious days those were.  It's amazing how the banality of everyday living can be simultaneously divine.

Yes, I think I will go stealth in 2017. I just cannot be bothered with it anymore. I won't let it define me any longer. Once you tell people, they act differently. If you don't tell, and they find out, you're suddenly a liar. i.e. they still see you as a man who became a woman. No matter what you do. Being trans is a huge conundrum.

Dating is another issue. Let's say I go to a dating site:

If I tell:  I might attract ->-bleeped-<-s. I might also run into possible haters and lure me into their hate crime.

If I don't tell: and he finds out, I will either be accused of lying or even murdered.

Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

I did go on a dating site before. I tried the two scenarios: tell and don't tell. When I did not tell, I had plenty of matches. When I did tell, I got zero matches. But I got a dozen messages like: It's good you told me before, I admire your honesty, blah blah... ergo: tell, and you're suddenly a guy who acts like a woman. it's impossible to escape.

It's so tough! So much so, that I decided not to date anymore. Because this gap cannot be bridged. I am disappointed in people. And I think it cannot be fixed. the SRS and FFS can make me passable to a high degree, but it will never provide me with the full life of an ordinary woman. I don't believe in it anymore... I am tall, still have signs of a male body. I cannot erase it all. Too much Testosterone ravage. Too late, too late.... Maybe I have hit the wall. Maybe I should accept that I will never live a normal life. That's it's not for me.

I am sorry for being so pessimistic, maybe it's a post-op depression... I don't know. It does bother me though that I have to go through these extreme surgeries, pain and huge scars, and still not getting what I want: just a normal life. Nope. Nothing is normal in my life.

An update on the changes so far... 1 month, 1 week and 1 day.

I guess the post-op depression is evident. I feel foggy, can't concentrate on anything other than healing and just existing right now. It's difficult to wake up each day, and get into a routine. I also lost my sleeping routine.... FFS messes with me, more so emotionally. It's a struggle. If you go do FFS: take at least 6 weeks off.

Update:

Skin of my chin is still swollen, but sensitivity is back for 100%. Which makes me happy. No sensitive spots either. I considered it healed. The swelling will go in time. I noticed a huge improvement after I started eating fatty salmon every other day.

Jaw is still swollen at the edges, skin is also swollen a bit. This will all go down in time.

From day to day I see the orbitals swollen. Sometimes it looks as the bone is back. But it's just skin that is swollen. Still needs to settle...

Forehead sensation is back for about 80%, in a radial manner. I feel less near the hairline and more near the sinus. Forehead still feels a bit tight, because all the muscles were detached. They still need to settle, so the skins feel a bit tight when I raise my eyebrows.

Top of my head is completely numb. Doesn't bother me at all, unless I try to touch it. I feel nothing there. it's very weird. It is like I touch someone else's head. Sometimes I freak out a little bit when I touch it.  :D

Brows sometimes tickle... feeling is back in brows (plucking hurts again)

Shooting sensations through my forehead, about 10-15 a day.

Lips are back to normal. All sensation is back.

Cheeks are 100% back, fully sensitive.

Nose has swollen a little bit since the last few days. Nose is also dry during the day... not very nice. Shooting sensations inside my nose have increased to twice a day. Nerves reconnect again. It started a few days ago.

Tightness inside the mouth is now 10%, it's there, but not noticeable. I discovered some sutures in my mouth. The surgeon did not remove these yet. Don't know why...

Quote from: 2cherry on December 16, 2016, 07:58:57 PMYes, I think I will go stealth in 2017. I just cannot be bothered with it anymore. I won't let it define me any longer. Once you tell people, they act differently. If you don't tell, and they find out, you're suddenly a liar. i.e. they still see you as a man who became a woman. No matter what you do. Being trans is a huge conundrum.

"Being trans" is a narrative condition. 

So take control of the narrative.  You're a woman.  That's the beginning and end of the story. 

Why on earth would anyone you haven't told "find out" otherwise?  Trust me, it's not about being tall.  I'm tall, I have a "sturdy" build according to one lover, and no one has asked.  Not once.  It's a big world.  I don't live where I used to.  Bridges have been burnt.  We get through this world by leaving all that behind and simply being women.  Which takes self-acceptance.  Accepting that you are a woman, and that you've always been female.  So live it down, by embracing the truth that's actually the most difficult truth to embrace.

Your body is just a light bulb.  You are the light.  You live it down by shining. 

Here's the thing you aren't considering, the thing you can't see your way to -- the life where you simply go out into the world and live it and no one questions who you really are, because it's apparent for all to see from how you simply are.  Being trans isn't a conundrum.  Being a woman, now, that's what you need to concern yourself with.  We learn, as all women have, from other women.  And we learn, as all women have, from men. 

QuoteDating is another issue. Let's say I go to a dating site:

If I tell:  I might attract ->-bleeped-<-s. I might also run into possible haters and lure me into their hate crime.

If I don't tell: and he finds out, I will either be accused of lying or even murdered.

Let's consider you going to a dating site, and you find a match, and you date, and no one brings it up.

That's been my experience.  I was in one relationship for six years. It ended because he smoked pot everyday, and I had to get away from such temptation. It ended because he was not intellectually stimulating enough. Because we had different tastes in entertainment. Because, frankly, we'd run out of things to talk about. I probably stayed in the relationship longer than I should have. But it was so, so good to be "normal" and I just had to revel in it as long as I could. Until I finally realized that it was also "normal" to move on. So I did. 

Now, one of my best friends back in the day was dating this guy (they'd met at a bar), and after they'd been dating six months, it's getting serious enough that she introduces him to her impeccable family... and he found out while idly looking up her parents online, whom he'd met and liked -- unfortunately, she never moved away from her home town, and her parents still lived in her birth home, and the old name came up.  So he asked, and she was unshakeable in her resolve -- this was a medical condition, it's been rectified, and if he doesn't believe in the truth that she's unmistakably female then there's no future for the relationship.  She took control of the narrative, with a one-week deadline for talking about it, and after that such conversations would be verboten.  And yeah, she was a mess that week, but he didn't leave.  Her... faith in herself was overpowering. He had to concede (and the sex was fantastic, apparently, which certainly didn't hurt).

They married a couple years later, and are still together to this day.  She finished raising his kids from his first marriage. 

My point is, you're not lying if you truly believe the truth of your own narrative.  If you're being truly authentic to your inner light.  So there's good reason to believe that as long as you've done everything in your power to shine (which especially includes voice, because that's what shines brightest) that there won't be any accusations in the first place.  And if there are, any accusations are false accusations, and you deal with them by being prepared to walk away.  So there's great value in learning that you can burn bridges in the first place. 

QuoteI am sorry for being so pessimistic, maybe it's a post-op depression... I don't know. It does bother me though that I have to go through these extreme surgeries, pain and huge scars, and still not getting what I want: just a normal life. Nope. Nothing is normal in my life.

Well, first, yes, there's post-op depression (especially from a surgery as brutal as this one) and I didn't get over my post-op depression for a good two to three months.

But you have also been mired in transition for, what, seven years now?

That's long enough.

Thanks Sophia, I don't know what to say to that...

I still think that I will stay alone, it's just... well, destiny, fate, my path... karma? who knows. Or maybe it's my personality. Maybe I've been hurt too much, that I lost my faith in people. Truth is, I never met someone whom is at a similar level, or similar frequency. I am very fragile. Too fragile. I don't want to be hurt, which instills my fear for people, partners and dates. I am a complex person indeed...

But anyway, maybe it's the post-op depression talking.  ;)

I have to figure out where I am going... and how I will shape my future. What I want to do from here on. I have so much talent in many different areas, but zero interest in doing something with it. I just don't care. The last 8 years were only spent on transitioning, reading about it, learning, and growing to be myself. Allowing to be myself...  and now there is this void, this abyss that is staring at me.

As for the FFS:

Forehead is starting to go down more. I don't notice it much during the day. Same as yesterday, but a bit better. I did notice that when I walk outside, sometimes I have a blurry vision for a few seconds as my eyes are crossing. I had this a couple of times. My eyes need to settle as well. They have to readjust. Because when they pulled back my forehead, they pulled it back over my eyes, to get to the edge of the sinus and the top of the nose. So I do feel some shooting pains next to my eyes from time to time. A few sutures dissolved in my mouth today. That was nice.

Exhaustion is getting less... but there is this lingering annoyance of healing... wounds, scars, swelling doesn't make me happy. I am ready for it to go down. I want to see the final result.

Right now I am thinking: maybe I could have gotten more chin work... but I have to be careful, it's still swollen for about 5mm... so I can't really judge yet.

I want the lip lift, but I am also tired of another surgery. I had the same feeling after SRS, I thought: no more surgeries! But I have to have the lip lift, it's the final touch to my face... yet, I dread getting it while being conscious. Also the extra healing makes me shudder... plus, I don't really want another scar...  :(

That's about it.

That's interesting about the chin comment 2 Cherry my lovely because I was thinking the same yesterday. I suspect it's because the narrower and tighter face, through the lifts and in your case jaw work, then accentuates the chin?

I've been digesting your posts and the replies and wondering how to reply. Some, but not all, ties in so much with my own feelings. I was pretty down yesterday, wondering if it had all been worth it. If I had my time again, would I have gone through with this? I'm better after a good sleep mind you.

But on the issue of presenting to the world, I don't know. Some large part of me wants a clean break: to operate in the world as a woman without any trans narrative. I know someone who has done just that. Apart from her partner, no-one knows. It's incredible: they literally have no idea she was born in a male body.

On the other hand part of me also sees the point about links and owning that past, though I don't feel that too strongly. I have a minor public profile which makes it just about impossible to start afresh without abandoning my life of journalism and writing.

Re. finding someone. I never, ever, thought I would be in a relationship again. I was so hurt from the past and retreated inside my cocoon. In fact it was more like a hard impenetrable shell. To my surprise, a relationship with someone I have known for six or seven years blossomed this year. She's the one who just said, 'I'm flying to be with you in Bangkok.' I'm sitting in bed next to her as I type this. All totally unexpected. So it does happen, and I really hope it does for you if it's the right thing. I'd have gone on okay on my own, I think, so this was a lovely bolt from the blue.

That's nice Rachel!

Yeah... maybe it is because I don't love myself so much... don't love this body and this condition.

I am just back from a 4 hour walk! I went out at 7 AM and walked through the forest here... no people, all alone. I like that. No people means silence, and silence means thought. I can think better when I am alone, in nature. Once I see people I always get nervous. It's not that I don't like people, but I just don't want to deal with them.  :D

You could say I like to be alone. But, I also long for someone. Someone who I can spend time with. Go to places, do things. Not necessarily a relationship, but something more than friends. Soulmate maybe... but that is a big leap.

I visited the hospital. And I stood outside it, in the fog. I am trying to process what has happened when I was there. I had no-one, and so no one to talk to. I never processed all of it. I just underwent it, while trying to be strong... In such moments I miss someone... I have only my own thoughts. Going back felt good... I can almost close this chapter.

As for healing, I feel superb right now! the walk released endorphins. I think I had a bit of cabin fever. Spent days inside. And that's no good... I did a four hour walk, I think that was good. I do have some back pain, so I am going to take it easy the rest of the day.

The forehead has healed very much, the numbness is barely noticeable since today. When I frown I still feel some tightness, but not much. I feel healing is gaining traction and progressing now. So that is a good sign.  :)

Awww I can identify with the need to be on your own but also the desire for someone close. It does sound as if you are dealing with things, though it often may not seem that way. I think you're very brave to have gone through it on your own, but we have this drive don't we, which means it's impossible to stop. Sometimes I think it's good to think how you would feel if you hadn't done it?

I really hope you do find people in your life who can be a support for you. You seem like a lovely person and deserve it.

xx

Quote from: Rachel Richenda on December 18, 2016, 06:31:01 AM
Awww I can identify with the need to be on your own but also the desire for someone close. It does sound as if you are dealing with things, though it often may not seem that way. I think you're very brave to have gone through it on your own, but we have this drive don't we, which means it's impossible to stop. Sometimes I think it's good to think how you would feel if you hadn't done it?

I really hope you do find people in your life who can be a support for you. You seem like a lovely person and deserve it.

xx

Thanks Rachel.  :)

When I think about if I had not done it... I think I would be more miserable than I am now. The forehead was for me the most important result. I would have done only the forehead if I had to. It's just a world of difference... when I first started to transition, I did not notice it's importance myself. But now that I have the forehead done, I really understand how much a difference it makes.

Right now, I also feel comfortable to show people my side profile. Whereas before FFS, I would turn my head a away or turn my head towards someone so that they could not see my profile... that "stress" is gone. And it's huge relief... 

I feel very good today. That long hike gave me a boost. I also felt at ease when walking in the forest. As if I finally came back into my body, and all senses started to function again. As if I removed all walls I pulled up... and everything became bright and clear. I allowed myself to "feel" things again.

I still have some insecurities, but I have to wait for the healing. It's barely 5-6 weeks now. It's in infancy.  :icon_chick:

Quote from: 2cherry on December 18, 2016, 06:53:58 AM
Right now, I also feel comfortable to show people my side profile. Whereas before FFS, I would turn my head a away or turn my head towards someone so that they could not see my profile... that "stress" is gone. And it's huge relief... 

Exactly. I find I'm pretty happy with my profile now......the nose swelling can still go down a lot at the tip but other than that, the forehead profile looks pretty damn good. Ironically it's the front of my face that I'm not caring for right now. Still just too much swelling....selfies aren't bad but when I see myself in photos farther away, it feels like my eyes are sinking into my face haha.

Quote from: 2cherry on December 17, 2016, 11:44:33 PMI still think that I will stay alone, it's just... well, destiny, fate, my path... karma? who knows. Or maybe it's my personality. Maybe I've been hurt too much, that I lost my faith in people. Truth is, I never met someone whom is at a similar level, or similar frequency. I am very fragile. Too fragile. I don't want to be hurt, which instills my fear for people, partners and dates. I am a complex person indeed...

I have to figure out where I am going... and how I will shape my future. What I want to do from here on. I have so much talent in many different areas, but zero interest in doing something with it. I just don't care. The last 8 years were only spent on transitioning, reading about it, learning, and growing to be myself. Allowing to be myself...  and now there is this void, this abyss that is staring at me.

Well, first, unless you're a time traveler, there is no fate.  :)

The harder part, I think, is figuring out what you want.  Because, yes, having spent so much time and energy focusing on a project that is now basically completed, what do you want to do next?  And it's really okay to not have an answer to that.  Go ahead and drift.  I drifted in my first major post-op relationship, that was really all I was doing, not paying attention to anything else.  Eventually, though, the abyss started poking at me, a prod here, a stick there, and soon there was plenty to occupy myself. 

Think of it this way -- having done what you've done, don't you think you could do just about anything now, if you put your mind to it?

So figure out where you can go.  The, decide on something to do -- something to make some money, but that's a no-brainer, and doesn't depend on a reputation or a social network.  Follow your bliss, and if your bliss eludes you then follow your whims.  Or read the universe for coincidences, and let fate decide. 

Regardless, though, the next phase -- the post-transition phase of transsexing -- does take getting out into the world and doing something. I think we've got to be immersed in people for a while.  They don't have to be lovers, or even close friends, and certainly not with the intention of going for one or the other (relationships just happen), but there's something just so powerful about becoming "known" for who you are in the present, post-transition.  Maybe it'll be a new work environment, or a social hobby group, a volunteer organization, what have you, it doesn't really matter. 

The thing is, people are mirrors. In the absence of narrative, they reflect who we are in the moment.  And the mirroring other people provide is so much more powerful than what we get from glass and silver. 

Quote from: Rachel Richenda on December 18, 2016, 04:03:59 AMBut on the issue of presenting to the world, I don't know. Some large part of me wants a clean break: to operate in the world as a woman without any trans narrative. I know someone who has done just that. Apart from her partner, no-one knows. It's incredible: they literally have no idea she was born in a male body.

On the other hand part of me also sees the point about links and owning that past, though I don't feel that too strongly. I have a minor public profile which makes it just about impossible to start afresh without abandoning my life of journalism and writing.

Well, just to be perfectly clear, I do think it's possible to transsex with an open narrative, it's just a lot more difficult, because people take narratives much more seriously than they should, imo.  They believe in stories rather than looking at what's right in front of their face.  So you just have to live it down. 

But yeah, it's incredible to live in the world without that narrative.

And I bet you could do it, Rachel.  You could think of it as a writing project -- doing first-hand research with as little intervention as possible.  Find a different line of work, just for a while, and see what it's like.  If it doesn't suit you, you can always go back to your previous profession. 

Or not. You're still you, after all.

That's such an interesting post Sophia. Thank you for the compliment and it's something I'm really going to think about. I have a novel to finish by end of February and then I could do something completely different. Why not?!:)

Debra, great about your positive post. I think it takes a long time for the face to settle fully, even with less invasive surgery.

It's interesting.  We live for such a long time focused on this goal, striving towards it, getting past all the obstacles society and medicine can put in our path.  It takes incredible determination and focus to get through transition.

Then we achieve our goal.

Now what?  All that drive and determination, and what do we focus it on next?  I think it's a really good idea to take a deliberate break at this point, relax, look around, recognize that we really have accomplished that goal, and don't need to plan another surgery, or another biochemical tweak.  We're done.  Finished.  Put a cherry on top.

I think it just might take a little time and introspection for us to fully accept we are done.  Selah.  Pause, and think of that.

Then, we can look around our lives, our world, and find a worthy new goal for our drive and determination.

Quote from: Sophia Sage on December 18, 2016, 06:42:00 PM
Regardless, though, the next phase -- the post-transition phase of transsexing -- does take getting out into the world and doing something. I think we've got to be immersed in people for a while.  They don't have to be lovers, or even close friends, and certainly not with the intention of going for one or the other (relationships just happen), but there's something just so powerful about becoming "known" for who you are in the present, post-transition.  Maybe it'll be a new work environment, or a social hobby group, a volunteer organization, what have you, it doesn't really matter. 

The thing is, people are mirrors. In the absence of narrative, they reflect who we are in the moment.  And the mirroring other people provide is so much more powerful than what we get from glass and silver. 

Oh, yes!  Folks in transition tend to silo themselves, associating with their closest supporters, other transgender folks, the gang at the local LGBT center.  Post transition is long past time to get out in the world.

I am deliberately making an effort to avoid living in the silo, the company of just my peers in the transgender community.  Oh, I do that here, and with the social support group I'm seeing at dinner tonight, among others, but I'm trying to mix it up more.

I'm also active in a couple of amateur radio clubs, and teach classes.  I'm on the coffee committee at a local church.  I was in a recent protest action to remind people there's more to life than spending and merchandise.  I spent yesterday evening at a pagan winter solstice ceremony. 

I'm trying to interact and connect with the whole variety of the human species, rather than the narrow realm of "my people".  The human race is my people, and I am one of them.  (I imagine this may upset some. ;) )


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

Well... I finally managed to do a before and after timeline in pictures.

Ready?  ;D

Here it is: https://unsee.cc/bosaritu/

The first picture is the timeline: 2010 to 2016. I tried to put up 4 pictures with a similar expression. The 2016 pictures are after FFS. The picture from 2010 says it all: I was very unhappy... I just started electrolysis there. So you can see how much I changed. Most of it was due to hormones as you can see in the 2015 picture.

I am just 5 weeks out of FFS surgery, It's difficult to see but my face is still a bit swollen in many areas. Especially the nose has swelling, jaw and chin. I only have minor makeup: lipgloss, eyeliner, and mascara. I used my tablet to take the pictures, which has a bad camera in it, I used no photoshop and no effects. Also, consider the fact that I made the pictures myself from about arms length away, so a little lens distortion of proportions emerge. When I am fully healed, I will do a proper before and after.

And yes, that is my real hair. (If I got 1$ for each time I am asked about that, I'd be a millionaire.) bear in mind: I am almost 40 years old. I cannot compete with the younger ones here. :)

I am happy with the forehead, the cheeks (much fuller), hairline lowering, brow lift, and the smaller jaw. I am in limbo about the chin, but I have to wait for the healing.

A lip lift is still planned. I only want a shorter lip to nose distance, I don't care about the cosmetic aspect.
But no flappybird lips for me... (https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F6sa6zCA.png%3F1&hash=d2882ec8fcc85f790bc5865c3b8139b14a5a0849)  ;)

Would love to hear your opinion.

Simply stunning. I'm not just buttering you up but you look 100% female, and gorgeous with it.

Re. the chin well there are plenty of cis females with similar shaped chins and it doesn't look out of proportion to me. If you hadn't of remarked on it I'd have swept it up with your generally beautiful female looks.

Fab too about your hair. I'm lucky to have all my own too and it does help a lot.

You're gorgeous!!

Rxx

Wow so good! Esp love the profile difference but that's also what I notice a lot different about myself right now.

Would love to hear your opinion.



You look absolutely gorgeous ..wow

Thank you Rachel, Debra, markie...  :)

About the chin: I think it's swollen as much as he removed... so it looks like nothing has been removed. When I press the skin of my chin, it bounces in about 5-6mm. Same with the jaw in some places. That's maybe as much as my surgeon removed. So I have to be very careful in my own assessment. Nose has swollen in the last few days as well. So I am still healing.

Regardless, I do think I need a lip lift.

It is strange to look at myself... I still have to get used to the new face, but I do think it's much better. I don't have many photo's but the brow bossing was pretty serious...

Btw, in the pictures you can also see where I had to cut 6-10 inches of hair, it's visible in the profile picture... it was clotted with blood and I was unable to untangle it. Curls are extremely difficult to manage, and once tangled it's impossible to untangle them. Especially when it's steeped in solidified blood. Small sacrifice... not a real issue. I have enough hair! my hair is currently 50cm - 21". It ends on by back, below my bra. It was 60cm - 23"., and it's slowly growing back after I cut it last year. It never grew more than 60cm - 23". I think that is my limit.

6 weeks.

I have indeed some left over swelling in the chin, and a bit of sagging. I was afraid that I had not enough chin work, but that's unfounded. When they shorten the chin, it's only a few millimeters. It's now covered with swelling. I think about 5mm of swelling. Which makes it look like nothing has changed. It takes 6-12 months for the skin to re-drape this area. I took pictures way too soon...

All sensitivity in the chin and lower lip has returned. Which really thrilled me, because I was worried about that. I read that it is common to have permanent loss on the chin, so I guess I am lucky that everything returned to normal at week 5. (although I am convinced that sensitivity returned after I started eating lot's of salmon, maybe it's the high Omega-3's and selenium that's in it.)

Pretty much all sensitivity has returned, except for the top of the head. Although that insensitive area has already decreased with about half an inch.

Forehead sensitivity is back for about 90%. The skins is still a bit tight when I frown or makes facial gestures, but day to day I don't really notice it unless I start to focus on it.

Shooting pains continue, which is good, because the more they appear the more sensitivity will return. I also have some little shooting pains around the brows, the orbitals. Sometimes they really sting! I have about two a day in this area.

Mouth movement has returned to 95% and I can open my mouth for about 80%

The nose had swelled since a week, especially the bridge. I can feel it's swollen a bit.

Exhaustion is gone! :)

What's left:

Residual swelling, shooting pains, and scalp numbness. Which indicates I am not healed yet.

I say, 6 weeks makes all the difference. So if you plan this kind of surgery, take at least 6 weeks to recover.

Here's an animation I just made. It doesn't line up perfectly, because perspective is different. But I think it shows how powerful my FFS has been.

Truly amazing

Seconded! :) x

Yes—the change is astounding. I very much like the softness and gentleness of your features.

such a huge change!

Thanks!  :)

A moment ago, I was looking at some surgery photographs, where they cut the zygoma. My surgeon did the same. He did a Transoral zygoma osteotomy. The pieces he removed from my jaw, he re-used it to lift the zygoma and thereby my cheeks. That way I did not need implants. It's amazing to see how they do this, and how complicated it looks! incredible... I have so much respect for surgeons. I can understand a lot, but I can't wrap my head around how they all do this, and me ending up feeling okay and looking fine. When I woke up, I did not even have bruises. Nothing. Only swelling. He's just a genius, that's all I think... surgeons are very special people, they just are, and they deserve all the best.

Here's a drawn picture of how they do it:

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FKI93qef.gif&hash=2357aa2487f949d16ee3d7415b0bc7270f8dfd32)

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.e-aps.org%2FArticleImage%2F2023APS%2Faps-39-333-g001-l.jpg&hash=b7df1086ae4d8ea9d4b1e659690a771589905be1)

Like so:

http://pocketdentistry.com/wp-content/uploads/285/ec15f0016.jpg

I don't have very much more to share. Right now I feel fine, just like before surgery. So from here on out it's only getting better.

I think this will be my last post. I decided to go and live stealth and enjoy my new life, without having to be reminded of my transhistory. I've been around in many different forums since at least 2008, under many different monikers and handles. It's this privacy obsession thing, I guess. People helped me, and I helped them through the years. For which I am grateful. I even did some activism from 2010-2012, and helped many local transgenders. I spent much time, and I think it is time to retire. In 2017 I will be be changing my life, and finally start to "live" like the woman I am. I like to thank Susan, the moderators (who do an excellent job), the donators who make this site possible, and everyone else here.

If you have any questions, or want to chat, PM me if you like.

I wish you all a merry Christmas, lot's of light and love. Remain hopeful, there is light... there is a solution even if you don't immediately see it. Hope is what kept me alive.

:icon_wave:

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F4dLl2Yf.jpg&hash=ca41145f7fef7e21473789a7fbd5752b1d423373)

Part of me wants to beg you to stay but that's selfish. I've loved following your posts and being virtually with you through the ups and downs, even when I haven't always replied. I can totally get your desire for stealth and shutting the door on the transhistory part. A significant part of me too wishes to draw a line and say, 'okay, the transition part is over: I'm a woman now.'

Blessings, love, peace, happiness and all comforting vibes on you.

Rach
xxx

You're a brave woman, and I wish you all the best.  :angel:

Yours,
Sophie

Thank you so much for all you've done for others by posting here.  You are appreciated.

Now go and have a wonderful life! 

- Michelle


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

Well....  ;D happy 2017! thanks everyone.

I am just back from my lip lift surgery...  :) and I wanted to share it.

It went great, and am very pleased with the result. I was conscious during surgery, but felt zero pain. I did panic a bit, I guess it was the adrenaline (Epinephrin in syringe). So I asked the nurse to tell me some stories, to shift my mind from worrying. So the surgeon and nurse told me stories about their travels and seeing different countries, it was highly entertaining and really good to ease this panicky feeling. My surgeon did a endonasal lip lift technique, which is somewhat rare. I showed him this technique I found on Youtube, and he agreed. How awesome is that? my surgeon is a great listener, he even did the exact procedure I wanted. And it's awesome... it's lifted by 3-5 mm, can't tell yet because of swelling.

I am so happy right now, despite having some pain. It feels really sore. And looks gross... but nothing in comparison to my full FFS.

The first injection near my nose did sting a bit, similar like electrolysis on the top lip but then without numbing and more prolonged. That was the only bad thing actually.

So yeah, there you have it. My FFS is complete.  :)

This surgery really was the icing on the cake! yum!

Now I go and heal again.  kick back and relax ;)

This is the endonasal liplift technique he applied: (youtube video is too graphic, but if you can stomach it search for it)

The benefit of this technique, is that they have tiny flaps which they suture into the nose (hence: endo-nasal). Which means that there is no scar underneath each nostril. So no running scar, but a broken up scar. The flaps also bear all the tension, so no muscle has to be cut, so there is less sagging. It is a tiny modification of the regular bullhorn technique.

Pre-op photo from another patient:

Here you can appreciate this technique, the tiny flaps underneath each nostril are pulled up into the nose, so the scars under each nostril are inside the nose and invisible.

(https://dygfroc1ptcu0.cloudfront.net/content/asj/34/3/457/F4.large.jpg)

Endonasal scar result:

(https://www.drhaworth.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/07/IMG_66261.jpg)

As compared to regular bullhorn which results in a running scar:

(https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSj7zCGKXZrSlqF8ImsLrH61lBzZTZu7iWxdJfJFcPumLbSV3UByg)


Running scar of bullhorn, you can see the scar runs all across the nose:

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.visageclinic.com%2Fimages%2Flip_lift_after.jpg&hash=8da858ed1d9d5bbe65c4a4703296f1c95db69cba)

If you want it, explicitly mention it to your surgeon because it is not standard. Most surgeons do a bullhorn.

Cherry can you add me or speak to me in private

Thanks cherry all the best .....

Here's two pictures of my lip lift. I had my surgery yesterday:

Click for larger. Sorry for the bad quality, I'm not able to make high res pictures right now, bit tired. I did use macrozoom (extreme closeup)

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2F2H7fyLh.jpg&hash=b2bc8d84f34b2d3291d4037dee287f920a7e5f9a)

As you can see, the endonasal lip lift only scars at the base, and around the nostril edges. No scarring under each nostril opening.

I am very pleased with the transparent sutures! the suturing is impeccable! can't even notice it around the edges.

I am irrigating the wounds with a plastic monoject syringe, with regular salt and tapwater. It "blasts" the incision clean with tiny jets, and hydrates it at the same time. Then, 2x a day I put a thin layer of vaseline to it. And clean it again after 8 hours with the monoject syringe. The Vaseline prevents the forming of scabs (scabs=bad)

That's it.

Healing: 1st day I had pain. Very sore deep seated pain. Took some ibuprofen, and it was manageable. I did not really sleep well. Had some insomnia, probably from the adrenaline. 2nd, today, I feel fine. I took only 200mg ibuprofen. I can laugh, but it's tight. I try not to move it. Not much talking either. I want a nice scar, so I am doing everything to prevent ugly scarring here.

When I woke, my top lip had swelled up a bit. Also my nose swelled up on the 2nd day. Did not expect that. My nose is still healing from the other FFS. So it has gotten a bit bigger because the endonasal lip lift required access to each nostril.

Feeling good right now though...  :D ;D

If you are bored as I am right now. Watch this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UjfUMQgDUOw

It's amazing how the body works to heal itself.  :o life is so wonderful... makes me wonder...

This is excellent work!  Heal well.

"Change your life today. Don't gamble on the future, act now, without delay." -- Simone de Beauvoir

Congratulaions Cherry,

this looks very good work of the surgeon.

Iam very pro surgery.

Fabulous Cherry. What a great result: looking fab. Keep up the good healing and please keep us posted honey xx

3rd day of lip lift surgery findings.

Last night, I woke up with very severe stings in my upper lip. Similar to the shooting pains on the forehead, but about ten times more painful. I woke up from it. I guess it's healing! Lasted for a short while. The upper lip is one of the most sensitive areas of the body, as any electrolysis patient can vouch for.  ;)

When I woke up today, my lip was still swollen. My nose is still a bit swollen, and it's difficult to clean my nose yet. I now blast my nose with the monoject syringe, filled with lukewarm water and tablesalt. It's the only way to clean it right now. It's important to avoid touching the face. Even when my skin itches, I use a piece of clean paper/cloth to itch and rub, because bacteria are very bad to have in that area.

So far it goes well...

When I look in the mirror today, I was so happy... the lip lift made all the difference! I even think it's one of the most important procedures, next to the forehead recontouring. The mouth is very important in gender, and if you want FFS but are afraid, try a lip lift first. It is very rewarding, for any female. Males don't have an upturned lip, it's really a feminine feature.

When I look at my face, the lip lift made the biggest change on the frontal view. As if it suddenly clicks everything together... For the profile view, the forehead recontouring and the nose made all the difference. The lip lift made my face more compact, somewhat smaller and way more female. It also makes me look younger to some degree. I now understand why many woman get lip injections, they try to emulate what the lip lift does.

Definitely worth it! I wish I had done it way earlier! for me it's the most rewarding procedure when I look at myself in the mirror. When I look at my photo's, it's the combination of all procedures. :)

That sounds interesting. I am very afraid of FFS so I did already consider getting a lip lift first and maybe hair transplants and some minor reshaping of the chin wil fillers to eliminate a fold there whcih I believe is actually a childhood scar. Do you really think going for such a thing could tip the balance and bring ones perception over enough to avoid FFS?

I tried to simulate a lip lift with a toothpick, but it does not look quite right if I just try to pull it up. Not sure why :( - maybe it is because the muscles on the upper lip are still a bit pronounced, I think its called "muscle moustache" - not sure if that can be overcome, though

Hi Anja,

I've seen your profile picture once, bit clearer than it is now, and I thought you are a beautiful woman already.  :)

I think a lip lift will be good for any woman. Especially if we're aging. The older woman get, the more it drops. I'm 39 years old, and I think the lip lift turned me into 29. It's a youthful procedure.

Try this:

Get a eyeliner pencil and lay it across your lip. Then "roll" the pencil, simply turn it around a bit. It should lift the lip for about 3-4mm. Of course, the nose looks weird now, but it's the best way I found to simulate it.

I only send pictures via PM - not sure if I have sent you one already. Getting FFS is not an easy decitions of me as things are not looking that bad. So I considered lip lift as a low risk feminizing option. Not sure who does these things - plastic surgeons of all sorts, but I guess they should have a background in FFS somewhat to make sure that the lip is shaped more feminine and not just lifted regularly? Or is the procedure 100% the smae as with any other woman? Then tere would not even be a need to mention anything about trans stuff - I hate to mention that to doctors...

It's the same for us and cis-woman. Especially older cis-woman. In almost all woman the lip will drop with age. In men too. But in men it's not a problem. Lip lift can be good or bad, it's an operation with only two outcomes. Whit a lip lift it's better to be conservative: not too much removal. One can always have another lift, but when tissue is gone, it can't be put back. So my surgeon said he was only going to remove 3-5mm, this was decided while he was operating me, so that he could look. Also, he needed to make sure that my mouth could close. If you remove to much, it's difficult to close the mouth. Also, removing too much can make the lower lip corners droop, making you look sad.

Indeed, it's not a simple operation.

I also analyzed FFS to death, but eventually I had to make a choice, jumped in and went for it. Kinda like a roller coaster: I let go, can't control it anyway.

Yes sometimes I believe i just have to go for the FFS thing as otherwise it will bug me for more years to come, lol - I kind of have one little hope to get out of it by doing a few procedures like lip lift and convince myself that this is enough and I have done something after all, and then maybe able to let go of it.

When I tried the thing with the toothpick, I saw that the corners of my mouth looked more sad. Thats not good then. Is there no way to avoid this?

I went for a long walk today. It has snowed here, and I love snow.  :D

Just back and feeling refreshed. I spent two days inside because of the lip lift, and the other full FFS. Swelling has gone down a bit. What I see in the mirror is stunning, and I am extremely happy with the result. It exceeded my expectations. When I walked around, I finally felt FREE! whereas before I would stare around and down, right now I look straight forward and am super confident. For me, the FFS is a success.

I feel no dysphoria anymore when I look in the mirror. I even begin to like mirrors. And I am not even healed yet... whoohoo!

Here's another tip: buy a baby toothbrush. One of those things you truly need, also good after rhinoplasty. It's good for the upper teeth and doesn't move the lip around like a regular brush.

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fassets.inhabitots.com%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2F2010%2F03%2Ftotz.jpg&hash=c2c425bdd1cd79e6067dfc59620747950b46628c)

Quote from: 2cherry on January 07, 2017, 02:46:04 PM
I went for a long walk today. It has snowed here, and I love snow.  :D

Just back and feeling refreshed. I spent two days inside because of the lip lift, and the other full FFS. Swelling has gone down a bit. What I see in the mirror is stunning, and I am extremely happy with the result. It exceeded my expectations. When I walked around, I finally felt FREE! whereas before I would stare around and down, right now I look straight forward and am super confident. For me, the FFS is a success.

I feel no dysphoria anymore when I look in the mirror. I even begin to like mirrors. And I am not even healed yet... whoohoo!

That really is a pleasure to hear : )

Short scoring of my FFS  in order of importance:


Most profound change:

1. Forehead reconstruction + orbita shaving
2. Rhinoplasty
3. Brow lift
4. Lip lift
5. Zygoma/Cheek
6. Hairline lowering
7. Chin
8. Jaw


What I personally like best when looking at myself:

1. Forehead reconstruction + orbita shaving
2. Lip lift
3. Rhinoplasty
4. Brow lift
5. Zygoma/Cheek
6. Chin
7. Jaw
8. Hairline lowering

What others like/notice:

1. Forehead reconstruction + orbita shaving
2. Rhinoplasty
3. Lip lift
4. Zygoma/Cheek
5. Brow lift
6. Jaw
7. Chin
8. Hairline lowering

Worth all the trouble? 1 star: somewhat. 5 stars: definitely:

- Forehead reconstruction + orbita shaving: 5/5 stars
- Rhinoplasty: 5/5 stars
- Lip lift: 5/5 stars
- Brow lift: 4/5 stars
- Zygoma/Cheek: 3/5 stars
- Chin: 3/5 stars
- Jaw: 2/5 stars
- Hairline lowering: 1/5 stars

Level of discomfort/healing

- Forehead reconstruction + orbita shaving: forehead numbness is annoying
- Rhinoplasty: annoying and painful
- Lip lift: somewhat annoying
- Brow lift: nothing remarkable
- Zygoma/Cheek: nothing remarkable
- Chin: nothing remarkable, but inside sutures can be annoying to heal
- Jaw:  nothing remarkable, but inside sutures can be annoying to heal
- Hairline lowering: annoying numbness on top of head, scar shooting pains.

Debilitating 1 star: somewhat, 5 stars: massive.

- Forehead reconstruction + orbita shaving: 3/5
- Rhinoplasty: 4/5
- Lip lift: 2/5
- Brow lift: 0/5
- Zygoma/Cheek: 0/5
- Chin: nothing remarkable, 2/5 (food intake)
- Jaw:  nothing remarkable, 2/5 (food intake)
- Hairline lowering: 2/5

Some notes:

Hairline: scar is the main issue here. Coronal incision would be better, but can't do that if you want to lower the hairline. I don't think the hairline is that important at all. If you don't have to, avoid it.

Jaw: I don't notice it much when I look at myself. I do see it in pictures. Still a bit swollen, I might even gotten used to it already. Not sure.

Chin: it's okay, good but not spectacular as well. It's shorter by 3-5 mm, wich does pull things together. Especially with the lip lift!

I guess it's the complete package though.  :)

Sometimes I only doubt the hairline lowering, because of the scar. But I needed it. I don't regret any procedure, so that's a big relief.

I more or less agree.

Well, except for the hairline.  The hairline really depends on your hair and how you wear it.  If anything, I think the shape of the hairline is more important than it's actual position.  Some shapes are decidedly masculine, some are decidedly feminine, and very few are truly ambiguous. 

As to the scar, it can be obscured with permanent makeup tattoo and/or hair transplants.  There is something liberating about being able to pull your hair all the way back...

I also have been less satisfied with my hairline after FFS, but i manage.  usually this means not tying my hair back or wearing a cap.  So i am going to see Dr Mayer later this year on this.  His flap technique is intriguing.  I am hoping for a more feminine hairline.

I am also going to do some jaw work, the other area of my FFS that has always made me self conscious.  oh the things we do for beauty.  :)

-Sarah

I'm not so sure this is all done in the name of beauty, Sarah.  Not to say beauty isn't woven into the mix, but I think a lot of my... vanity... is wrapped up in the idea of coming across as natural rather than artificial.

Hmm.  Perhaps the word I'm really looking for is "authentic."  The real deal. 

Reminds me of the conversations about eidos I've been having recently...

Yeah, I am done with surgeries.  :)

It was a very humbling experience, and I am tired of getting surgeries. I know I will never be young and pretty again, that time is simply lost... However, I think I look good for a close to 40 year old woman. Sometimes I forget I am almost 40. I certainly don't feel like it. But I have to keep in mind that at this age, things are not the same.

My initial goal was to be able to pass, to be at peace, in my own skin and walking around. I don't want to be noticed, stand out. I think I reached that goal right now. So that is where I stop. It's tempting to aim for more beauty, and have another procedure. But I am truly tired of having surgery, healing and what not.

I have to accept that this is the most feminine I can get, within normal ranges, and without the obvious "plastic" face.

Here's another tip for a better lip lift result.

I taped it, so that there are no forces pulling the scar open as it heals. I used regular masking tape, but you can also use sports tape. This way you can eat/drink without worrying if it will droop and create a wider scar. Also a good way to secure it when asleep. I don't feel it at all.

I came to this, because I noticed that when I move my top lip down, it yanks at the scar a tiny bit. Sure, it's sutured like crazy, a 100 stitches I believe, but I noticed tiny gaps that pull down here. The forces are huge on the muscles. So just to be sure I tape it for a few days so the collagen gets a chance to create a tight bridge and close it with minimal scarring (we're a great team, me, my fibroblasts, my macrophages and myself). ;)

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2Fw4noVlT.jpg&hash=139a7a0936a08fce071ab0edb86c3808f777d51b)

The brown/red color is betadine.  ;D I apply it once a day, and after that I put the vaseline on it. There is a lot of snot that drools, and it's full of bacteria. This area needs to be kept spankin' clean. I still do the salt water washes 2 times a day too. It's impossible to blow the nose right now, let alone pick it, so it feels stuffed from time to time. The salt water washes help. Alcohol kills cells, and peroxide creates free radicals. So it's best to just use a salty substance, table salt or betadine. Vaseline will apply negative water pressure, which triggers the skin to heal and also hydrates a very tiny bit by preventing water loss. (water can't penetrate skin, only the incision) Never let a scab form here.

Sorry for the weird angle, my nose looks huge with this lens distortion lol.  :laugh: again, I hate photographs as they distort everything.

Yes Sophia, Authentic is a much better word.  :)

It is definitely vanity and a sense of wanting to be authentic that is motivating me to go down this path one more time.  It is right for me, and something I have been thinking about for a few years now.

Cherry, I also fully understand the not wanting any more surgeries.  I was there back in 2004 after my last surgery.  I was done with going to hospitals and spending money.  As I get older and have returned focus to me, which I haven't done in a long while, I am going back to make a few cosmetic "adjustments".  I hope all of your surgeries do improve your life.  I am certain you will get what you want.  <3

-S

Quote from: 2cherry on January 09, 2017, 08:01:54 AM
Yeah, I am done with surgeries.  :)

It was a very humbling experience, and I am tired of getting surgeries.

...
I have to accept that this is the most feminine I can get, within normal ranges, and without the obvious "plastic" face.

I can totally identify with that 2Cherry. xx

And so... the swelling has gone down. The nose is also not swollen anymore. The base of the nose is still swollen. Lips also did decrease in swelling. I actually liked my lips swollen, so I might get my lips filled one day.  :D

The scar is not visible yet. The area is a bit red. I am doing fine, but can't move the area much yet. The sutures will be removed on friday.

I got the endonasal lip lift, free paper here:

https://www.researchgate.net/publication/260611365_The_Endonasal_Lip_Lift_Personal_Technique

It's written by Peter Raphael et al, the team of ai4ps, who apparently also do FFS surgeries:

http://www.ai4ps.com/transgender-procedures-plano/male-to-female-plastic-surgery/
http://www.ai4ps.com/plano-plastic-surgeons/dr-peter-raphael/

Anway, ask your surgeon for it, because truthfully, no one should ever have another bullhorn (invented in 1980).

Today, the sutures were removed.

t's amazing to experience how steady, precise and patient surgeons are. The sutures were transparent and very tiny, yet he managed to cut them without any pain. Did not even feel the scissors.

He told me it was a bit redder than normal, and he prescribed me an antibacterial ointment. So even after this rigorous care it still got a minor skin infection. It's a very difficult area. The nose and mouth join there and it is not easy to keep clean.

I was a bit disappointed that my lips lost the swelling, it looked really good! so in time I will get a lip filler, I know it will look good. When, I do not know. I am tired of surgeries though... the healing takes a lot out of me.

I also asked him if he is interested in operating on international transgenders, he is, but he has to look into it how that works out in finance because he works at a state hospital. Anyway, when I know, I will post his details because some of you asked me about it.

Lip has settled down, it's doing fine right now. Only the base of my nose is a bit red. It's looking great, I think.

In the mean time, sensitivity on the top of my head has returned to about 90%, which makes me very happy. When I touch my head with a pencil I can feel it again. I can also scratch my head and feel it. Also can feel my hairs move when I touch it. There are tiny spots still insensitive, but I am certain they will fully return. What remains is a certain feeling of tightness on top of my head, and it does itch. But itching is a good thing. I also massage my forehead, and I feel the nerves tingle and shoot up when I massage it. I guess it's good.

Forehead sensitivity is 100% back. And with that came more itching... scars also itch. All a good thing!

My mouth is fully healed. There are still some minor bumps along the gum line, but I don't notice them unless I move my tongue there.

Chin has healed 100% all sensitivity has returned by week 6. Yet, it's still a bit swollen.

Jaw swelling has gone down for about 70%, now I can finally see my jawline!  :D

All other things are really uneventful so far.

So I am very fortunate with my FFS. I have no long lasting complications so far.  ;)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qGNyqz0zOEU

Quote from: 2cherry on January 11, 2017, 04:53:10 PM
I got the endonasal lip lift, free paper here:
...
Anway, ask your surgeon for it, because truthfully, no one should ever have another bullhorn (invented in 1980).

I have a question on this - if Lip lift is done together with rhinoplasty, does it make sense to do the endonasal lip lift, since they may have to cut below the nose anyways to work on the tip? I have little knowledge on rhinoplasty, so I ask if it makes sense if one wants a lip lift and a rhinoplasty to combine both or better do a rhinoplasty separately if the surgeon cannot do an endonasal lip lift - where are the scars from a rhinoplasty?

I know Dr Sutin very much advised against doing a lip lift at the same time as nose work because it can create a 'wonky' result. His view was that it's better to do the nose first, then the lip.

xx

Ok, I had the impression that a lot or most of the FFS surgeons combine these procedures and actually combine more with it in one go - what would that cause - what is a "wonky result"?

Would it make sense to do a lip lift first and later a nose surgery, then, or is it only good the other way around?

But in any case, the question I had was if the rhinoplasty bascially causes a scar like that bullhorn lip lift - if it does, one could just as well do that lip lift technique and sve the effort of the endonasal approach, since the scar under the nose would be there in any case.

Been 9 weeks now.

This week is another milestone in healing. I see so much more difference then at week 4-6. I can finally see my jaw again, and I take it back: it's well worth the effort! My head has become a lot smaller, slimmer. I think I got a great result so far. Around week 6 I lost a bit of morale, but it's all back. Healing takes so long, but it's worth the patience.

My forehead swelling has also gone down a lot. So much that it's close to where it was before surgery. I can feel my head again, and that -permanent feeling of someones hand on my forehead- is gone... but that itching! ouch, it drives me nuts today. Getting sensation back on top of my head is good, but really, that itching is something... it feels my skin is crawling with insects. Not fun, no.

The skin is redraping over my skull, and nerves start to regrow and that is bound to give some annoyance. But it is doable.

Two major milestones are week 6: exhaustion was completely gone, and week 9: where I finally could see the result and where it is going. And it is only getting better each week. So this is a reminder: you won't get to see the final result right after surgery. This might lead to post-op depression.

I can smile again, something that was difficult after the lip lift. I like the result, and again, it takes time to see the final result.  :)

About the lip lift: I am not sure why some do it at the same time as rhinoplasty. It's close together, and I guess it's difficult to do the aesthetics of a lip lift when you got a swollen nose and breathing tubes sticking in your mouth. Also, they cut open my entire gum lines and stretched my mouth to get to the jaw and zygoma, so everything looks weird, swollen and stretched. Something like this:

(https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Maurice_Mommaerts2/publication/8639801/figure/fig3/AS:277641371373577@1443206269281/Fig-4-Semihorizontal-osteotomy.png)

The lip lift is healing well. And I am pleased with the result. It seems the lip shifted even higher when it healed. I got nice tooth show now. Now it's just a waiting game... 1 year for all scars to heal. Another year in limbo...

I find myself in a post-op depression again... I am a positive person, but I remain human, and I have my weak moments... I feel lonely these days. I have no-one, and it takes it's toll. All I am doing is transitioning and healing. I want my life, I want to live... Life is all about love, everything we do is about love. But I have no one that loves me. And I have no one to love. Not fun. I also don't love myself. Maybe that is the problem. I hate this body, and what it does to my mind and psyche. I've read a million self-help books, followed therapy and watched a billion TED talks. But I don't get it... I don't understand anything anymore. Especially how social things work. It seems I repel everything I touch or approach, or it repels me. I am just confused... I also don't like the fact I have to go through all of this just to become myself. I am still in my cocoon watching everyone else fly around.

I also have borderline, so that complicates things. I sometimes forget that I have it, but eventually it will surface. Today it did. It's difficult to deal with... so much so, that a normal life is not really possible.

Maybe I go to bed, sleep always works.

Oh honey. Big hugs. I'm not sure what borderline you have (depression?) but it sounds very tough for you at the moment.

Relationships are hard too if that helps. I find a lot of pain wrapped up in my new one.

xx

Hugs to you both.  :)

Waiting for scars to heal does not mean one need live in limbo!  I was out and about after 3 months, just in terms of getting my energy back, and I just used makeup to conceal the still-red scars.  Do not let your scars prevent you from living life.  And that goes for the scars that can't be seen -- for those scars are always with us.  Being hidden, they can't be covered up, we have to "make up" with them instead, and hopefully transform them into sacred wounds. 

So no, we will never lead "normal" lives.  But in truth, no one lives a "normal" life -- that's just a fiction, a story we make up based on what we aren't seeing with everyone else around us.  Everyone has scars that can't be seen.  Given that, then, the question isn't how to go about living a normal life, but how to go about living a good one. 

I used to be a big fan of Joseph Campbell (I now struggle with the problematic aspects of his work) and so I continued to "follow my bliss" -- or, at least, my curiosity.  Took a Tai Chi class, for example, which was nice just to help me reintegrate with my body, though Tai Chi never ended up being for me, or at least that particular school didn't jibe with me.  Started exploring the local music scene, just to dance, and it's here that I hooked up with some people, one of whom I ended up being in relationship with for over six years.  Went to local science-fiction fan clubs.  Joined a book club.  Scrabble meet-ups.  And so on.

And this was so, so healing.  Doing fun stuff that allowed me to get out of my head and just be present in the moment.  Being out and about, socializing with other people, many of whom were just as awkward and introverted as I was (this is why I love geek culture).  And in so doing, I made new acquaintances and eventually friends, simply as a woman.  Sure, complicated and damaged, but all women are complicated and damaged to some degree, albeit unique degrees.  But I discovered I could also be empathic and kind and attentive and responsible, once I got over my self-consciousness.  This wouldn't have happened, I believe, had I not gotten out into the world and just did stuff I found personally interesting. 

Follow your bliss, ladies.  Whatever it may be. 

Thank you both.  :)

It certainly isn't easy... I think the lip lift turned back the clock 3 months in regards to healing. So, I think it was done too fast... right now, I am healing since the 9th of November 2016. I was feeling great after 6 weeks, but that lip lift thrown me off again. Doing surgeries so quickly is something I would advise against... take your time, and know how much you can take. I'm 10, 11 weeks now. That is a lot of time healing and feeling miserable.

Right now, my nose is still sore from the lip lift. No feeling in the middle part of the nose. Not being able to blow my nose for 10 weeks is a lot... so it drags me down, it isn't fun... a lip lift is just as serious as any other FFS procedure.

The lip lift healing did divert my attention to the other things in my face, now I notice that everything is healing well. Scar on my head begins to fade, it's less red. Feeling is 100% back in my forehead. Swelling has gone down completely. Chin still has a tiny piece that's swollen. So that is doing great...

Not much else to say...

I'm still down though... haven't been eating much. For two weeks my appetite is not there anymore... really strange. So haven't eaten a lot. Skipped most meals and just snacked.

I guess no surgery can fix my miserable empty feeling... still feeling depressed, lonely and fed up with everything.

I'm feeling a bit better right now. :)

Healing is going well. My scalp still itches daily, but I learned that it's not good to scratch it... right now I simply massage my head with my finger tips when it starts to itch. After a couple of minutes, it calms down. So that really does the trick. Scratching will intensify it.

So remember: any forehead work can result in the GREAT ITCH :D I am serious, sometimes it can last for years... I heard someone telling me it took more than 5 years to stop. Just so you know what you're up against...

Gently tapping my scalp also helps the nerves to regrow... it seems that they grow towards the areas I often tap on! sensation is almost back on the top of my head. Feeling is back for about 80%. The 20% is dull, to no feeling at all. Although I can feel my hair when it moves. It's the pain I don't feel in some minor spots. But it's difficult to locate them.

Today I felt a massive shooting pain through my forehead and across my scalp. It really hurt for a moment. It's the nerve reconnecting. So that is good news, despite being painful... felt like an injection or someone cutting my forehead with a knife.

Overall swelling has almost vanished completely, besides the chin has a little. Scar tissue in gumlines is also a bit swollen.

I can't completely smile yet, maybe for 70%, but the lip lift is doing fine. The mouth is still a bit tight when I do funny faces.  ;D


Ah, what we do for BEAUTY!

(https://mindreels.files.wordpress.com/2014/03/7-year-itch.jpg)

YES! it's NO joke...

(https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/0e/cb/a3/0ecba30dcc59bdbc1f1097d7f1ee40cf.jpg)

So glad you're feeling a little better! And thanks for the advice about the itching... That may someday come in handy. :) I've been reading a little about anesthesia-related depression. It seems it's very common and usually temporary, but serious while you're going through it. I hope the worst is behind you.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

Yes, besides the itching... the healing is becoming somewhat boring... which reflects in my updates. :D

With the anesthesia, I thought so too! I was drugged for a good 12 hours, and I think it's a kind of withdrawal symptom. I had the same thing with my SRS, when I got a morphine pump...

I must say, ever since my SRS I never felt the same... in a good and bad way. Good, because I got the body. Bad, because I feel the anesthesia changed me. It took a good 12 months to feel the same again. It's subtle, but I feel anesthesia definitely has a huge impact on the body.

In some ways, the anesthesia puts us in a suspended animation. It's really weird. It's not sleeping, it's more like a coma. After sleeping, we remember that we slept, and we feel that we slept. After anesthesia, it's like someone stole time.... like time is "missing". At least , that is how I felt.

It's strange not to experience all these surgeries. And my brains still tries to wrap around what happened, I guess....



Too much information: Scientist don't exactly know how anesthesia works. (I am glad I am finding this out AFTER I had some ).

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B_tTymvDWXk

I guess this will be my last installment of writing about my FFS for now. I've said it before, but I reached a point where I need to take time off and take stock of my life again.

it's funny, all this time, all these years, everything that happened, all the surgeries, electrolysis, therapy, talks, discussion, tears, agonies, fears, and all the physical healing, never really registered in my mind at all... It happened to my body, but my mind was somewhere else. As if it was detached. Stuck, in some place, trying to keep up and never really could.

I had no time to process it, because it was happening. Life was happening... I could not backtrack on what has happened all the time, because something new already happened when I did. When I look back, it feels like I watched a movie or read a script... it doesn't even feel real until I look and feel my body. Only then my mind realizes that the body is quicker than the mind. The mind always lags behind. The mind is like an echo of the body, a reflection that hits a wall. But to hear it, you need to be alone and even then it quickly decays into silence while time and the body pushes on. There no time to register it all while it happens. But I need time. Time to reflect before going any further with what I do.

Time to discover myself, who I truly am before I take another step... time to slow down a bit, to catch up and process, distill and refine.

I guess it's the same "mistake" everyone makes: focus too much on the destination, while forgetting about the journey... one day, we reach our destiny, but if we don't fully value the journey that led us to it, it's worth absolutely nothing. I guess that is the one thing I can take from transitioning: take time.

So as a last post, I think this will be fitting.

I must remember, that when I am burning, I am only rising from the ashes... others see me destroyed, they see the ashes of my former self. But from these fertile ashes, a phoenix will rise, and she will soar when she is ready.

There is no greater and no powerful symbol than the phoenix rising from it's own ashes. When all hope was lost, she rose from all doubt. When everyone thought she was a lost cause, that she was a nobody... her faith, hope and solitude strengthened her so much that it ignited her soul, and the flames gave birth to a new life. Her transformation only made her stronger, better, and soon she too will soar! from here, the only way is up.

(https://www.susans.org/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fi.imgur.com%2FYvCtzux.jpg&hash=f03f1d24fbefbf8ab147eeef4decc5017578d17f)

Never forget: love, hope and faith (in ourselves) is everything we have.