Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Personally, it took me  65 years to tell anyone I was trans. Just curious as to how long it took you to tell a SO that you believed yourself to be trans.

It took me 22 years.  At the time the plain thought in my mind was to either tell my wife or kill myself; nothing else.  It went better than expected and I continued to live.


It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.
André Gide, Autumn Leaves

glad your here

For me it depends which criteria you want to use. My wife knew from Day 1 some 40 years ago I had gender issues and about my transition experiments. Then there is after I decided to take the Trans-Beast on for real and by the end of my third ever TG Support Group meeting I knew it was almost too late to tell her what was going on if I wanted any hope of her not feeling any more betrayed then she will be

It was known by her 30+ years ago, though at that time I had no idea I would ever transition.  I'm sure she thought it was a sex kink that she did not share. Took me about 2 weeks after I first saw a therapist this September to talk about it for real with the possibility of transition.  I sort of forced the issue by getting my ears pierced and having to talk about that.

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I haven't been fortunate enough to have ever found anyone, but this question has always been in my mind. I know now that it would of been impossible to hide it and work around it. I know I would of been forced to confront it. I kind of doubt that on looking at my past I would of been able to reveal it at the beginning of the relationship because I was so afraid   of it being found out , but honestly I don't know how I would of gotten through that. Maybe if I was confronted by it , it might not of been so bad , but I don't know.

Thirty five years ago my girlfriend / wife found my stash of cosmetics and I told her then I crossdressed. She had not said anything since. I found out in June, I was Transgender. When we started exploring that path it all started to make sense. I had internalized everything to the point I could not communicate with anyone. Thus my life has been a living hell. I knew transgender people were out there, I just hadn't met one. When I came here and discovered there are people just like me, made it so much easier to pursue. I just wish I had followed my heart back then. Only one person has ever seen me fully dressed up and that is my friend Dee Dee last July in Vegas. Just the relief of sharing was a profound moment in my life and I appreciate she would be there to do that for me.

Depends what you consider the start date... my birth? 44 years. First time I remember wearing a bra? 37 years. Between admitting to myself I am trans and telling? 3 month...

I knew I was different as a small child. I was taught to repress it early on.  Yay private religious schools. :P  I had it suppressed at age 15 through what were very likely testosterone shots, after which I couldn't really even think clearly, but was convinced by local religious leadership that I was cured.  I went to college, fell in love, and was eventually married.

At age 32, the old urges had been back for a few years.  I was interviewing folks for a new engineering position on our team, and one of the candidates was a transwoman with an unfortunate 5 O'clock shadow problem that showed by the end of the all-day interview marathon.  While talking with her, I had a thought erupt in the back of my mind; "She's so brave.  I wish I could do that."  Sneaky subconscious dropped the T-bomb on me! 

So, at that point I knew.  With a wife and two young children, I suppressed it as best I could, burying it deep.  I occasionally cross-dressed, purged, and held off for a year or two, but It always came roaring back.  After 30 years, it wouldn't leave me alone any more, and the depression deepened to suicidal depths.  That's when I called a hotline and got therapy, and when I cam out to my SO.

30 years of suppressing what I explicitly knew I was.  30 years of deliberate hiding behind a male persona.  Folks, just because it was possible for me to do this doesn't make it a good idea.  There's so much damage from this to both myself, and from blowing up decades of what others thought I was.

In retrospect I so wish I had come out earlier.  I wish there had been real treatment for me in childhood, rather than nasty stuff like conversion therapy (Electroconvulsive followed by aversion therapy was offered to my parents to 'fix' me.  Mom didn't want that, I think.)

But those are all wishes, and I can't change the immutable past.  I have to move on from now, what I am now.  What I can do is serve as a warning to others.

It took me almost 20 years to tell her.  My first wife knew I liked to CD and even supported it somewhat. When my current wife and I got married Inyrief several times throughout the years but never could quite get the courage to. I tried to hint at things to no avail. Finally this past summer and nearly 20 years of marriage I finally said O thought I was somewhere on the Trans spectrum. She encouraged me to find a support group and therapist, both of which I have and all of which have been the best it could possibly be.
Paula

My spouse knew me a feminine person before we seriously dated and married. Once i began to realize that i was not genderfluid or a feminine leaning guy, there was about six months of therapy before i came out to her.

Her prior understanding of me notwithstanding, it still was somewhat of a expected, shock to her. We continue to work through that and the other parts of being a F/F couple today, but we are in a pretty decent place and in most ways closer to one another than we were before. I'm certainly happier and that helps our love for one another.

Quote from: Michelle_P on November 19, 2016, 01:44:48 PM
I knew I was different as a small child. I was taught to repress it early on.  Yay private religious schools. :P  I had it suppressed at age 15 through what were very likely testosterone shots, after which I couldn't really even think clearly, but was convinced by local religious leadership that I was cured.  I went to college, fell in love, and was eventually married.

At age 32, the old urges had been back for a few years.  I was interviewing folks for a new engineering position on our team, and one of the candidates was a transwoman with an unfortunate 5 O'clock shadow problem that showed by the end of the all-day interview marathon.  While talking with her, I had a thought erupt in the back of my mind; "She's so brave.  I wish I could do that."  Sneaky subconscious dropped the T-bomb on me! 

So, at that point I knew.  With a wife and two young children, I suppressed it as best I could, burying it deep.  I occasionally cross-dressed, purged, and held off for a year or two, but It always came roaring back.  After 30 years, it wouldn't leave me alone any more, and the depression deepened to suicidal depths.  That's when I called a hotline and got therapy, and when I cam out to my SO.

30 years of suppressing what I explicitly knew I was.  30 years of deliberate hiding behind a male persona.  Folks, just because it was possible for me to do this doesn't make it a good idea.  There's so much damage from this to both myself, and from blowing up decades of what others thought I was.

In retrospect I so wish I had come out earlier.  I wish there had been real treatment for me in childhood, rather than nasty stuff like conversion therapy (Electroconvulsive followed by aversion therapy was offered to my parents to 'fix' me.  Mom didn't want that, I think.)

But those are all wishes, and I can't change the immutable past.  I have to move on from now, what I am now.  What I can do is serve as a warning to others.

think that happened with my parents. I have a suspicion because of an incident that they had sought professional help , but didn't  take them up on the cure , it was in the early 50's.

My parents threatened me with all that psychiatric stuff and sent me away to Military School instead.


It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.
André Gide, Autumn Leaves

My wife knew before I did.

From the time I met her until I came out, 17 years, almost to the day.  From the time I decided that I really was trans for sure and had to tell her until I actually did, about 6 months.

Quote from: stephaniec on November 19, 2016, 12:20:55 PM
I haven't been fortunate enough to have ever found anyone, but this question has always been in my mind. I know now that it would of been impossible to hide it and work around it. I know I would of been forced to confront it. I kind of doubt that on looking at my past I would of been able to reveal it at the beginning of the relationship because I was so afraid   of it being found out , but honestly I don't know how I would of gotten through that. Maybe if I was confronted by it , it might not of been so bad , but I don't know.

The first time was the hardest... actually never happened with Wife #1 until she found my stash of clothes

The next chance was with  a woman that things were serious with. After much adult beverage and a discussion around "My deep dark secret is worse then yours". She won and several years later I lost when she bolted because I wasn't a real man.

As with all things relationships, YMMV

Forty-seven years ago this coming weekend my fiancée and I walked down to the river at the back of the apartment complex where she lived and sat down on the bank to talk.  I was 20, she was 18.  I was absolutely terrified to tell her my "secret" thinking she would call off the wedding but I had to tell her.  She extracted some promises about "putting this" behind me once we were married and, honestly, I meant them although we know how well those promises work out.  We were married that June and over the years, it was a gradual adjustment process with give and take.  Mostly her giving and me taking.   When I had my meltdowns last winter and started seeing a therapist, Miss Dee told me she's actually expected this long before now. 

About a week after I figured it out, and I mostly spent that time trying to bargain myself out of it. As soon as I was sure myself, I told her. (We're still together and very happily married - that was around our 9th wedding anniversary, and we're coming up on the 17th. It's been almost as many years now post-transition as before!)