Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I am preparing to come out to my wife in the near future.  I have heard of a wide range of reactions during this "moment of truth" and I really don't know how my wife is going to react.

I am using the letter Steph wrote to her mother as the template for the letter I am writing to my wife - thank you Steph!

My therapist suggested I ask how this process went at the next support group meeting.  In trying to understand the problability of various reactions I was curious how it went for those who have been through this process.

Molly

Technically I didn't come out I was found out and I would have to say that my SO reacted badly and initially wanted to leave me.

Now I think that she just wants to ignore it all. She knows its there but does not want to be part of it. At least she didnt leave me. :)

Shelley

Hey there Molly.

Coming out is fraught with dangers, but on the bright side it is also very freeing.  However all this is tempered by the fact that it is so very hard to gauge how anyone will react, especially loved ones spouses, children etc...  People will surprise you.

For myself coming out to my wife was no problem at all, my problem can from the person who I least expected it from, my daughter.  She is a great kid, you couldn't wish for a better person, and although we raised her, she was the one who directed her life, she was as free as a bird.  She is 27 now, and it has been a year since I told her.  Her reaction is OK I guess, she doesn't hate me or anything like that, and she still loves me, but she doesn't want to see Stephanie, just her dad.

I have come out to people who I thought were rednecks, and they just love me to bits and then I come out to those who I would consider friends and they don't want anything to do with me.  Generally speaking though I would have to say that I experienced an 80% acceptance.

The issue that you will need to resolve before you even contemplate coming out is "are you prepared for the consequences" and realise that coming out could destroy your family.  Once you come out you can't take it back.  You will also need to be prepared to be brutally honest with the person you are coming out to.  There can't be any half measures, and you will need to be prepared to answer some very hard questions with the utmost honesty, such as; what does this mean for us; how far do you plan on going with this; why are you doing this to us; do you expect us to stay together, just to mention a couple.  Believe me there are lots more.

I am working on a New Wiki article at the moment that deals with this very topic, a companion to "A Guide to Coming Out at the Workplace", however I don't think it will be ready in time for your needs Molly.

Anyway I'm going to watch this thread with interest...  Chat later,

Steph

Molly, as Stephanie said, you never can tell until it happens.

My wife knew about my cross dressing before we were married and was generally unsupportive: "I don't want to know/see/hear about it" was her attitude.  When I admitted to her that I might want to go further than cross dressing about 8 months ago she became very angry and reacted in a way that seemed very selfish to me.  She took a, "What's this going to do to me, my life, etc." position.  You have to know, in order to understand this, that my wife was born with cerebral palsy and while she's very capable, always expected me to take care of her the way a "man" should in case her disability increased.  The next few weeks were as difficult for her as they were for me.  She was upset and depressed about my revelation.  I was upset and depressed because of my self-revelation three weeks before.  I had convinced myself that I was a well enough adjusted cross dresser (I gave up feeling guilty about it many years before) and nothing more and when I realized there was more to it I basically lost my self identity.  I didn't know who or what I was anymore.  It was a very uncomfortable situation that lasted quite a few weeks.

Over the months, however, we've looked at some TV shows about ->-bleeped-<- and I purchased and we both read Mildred Brown's book, True Selves (which I recommend) and when calmer heads prevailed we were able to discuss the situation more thoroughly.  At first she was so upset that she couldn't even look at the book but as time went on she read more & more of it.

Now, she is a little more used to the idea and a little more supportive.  She is concerned about the resources that this process will use up and she has said that if I decided to fully transition that she will leave although  I think (hope) that position might modify itself, if past experience is a guide.  She does allow me to express myself more fully at home now, which is a real big step, but she's still uncomfortable with my going out en femme.  We live in a small city and she's very concerned about being recognized or read and earning other people's poor opinions.  She grew up here and knows a lot of people.  I'm a little further on than that, though, I could care a lot less.  "I yam whatteye yam," as Popeye said!

Now, I'm mildly hopeful that the relationship will survive.  She accompanies me when I go to therapy because, she says, she doesn't want me to drive all that way home while possibly being upset (It's a 90 minute plus drive, one way).  This gives us the opportunity to do some sessions together in the future.  I've taken the advice that I've read here at Susan's and in other places to be patient with her (and myself!) and to reassure her more than usual, that I love her and need her and will be here for her and that I will not ever leave her.  I told her that if there's any leaving to be done, it'll be done by her.

I'm sure that you are very frightened right now, if my past feelings are any guide, but I think you're going about it in a much better fashion that I did.  Remember, and don't forget to tell her a lot, that you love her.  Be gentle with her and patient.  You've been dealing with this for a long time, no doubt, but it'll be brand spankin' new to her.  

I'll be looking for your post about how well it went.

helen

PS - Don't forget to BREATHE!  :D

Molly here is my twist on the coming out thing. I dropped hints to my wife for about five years, she always knew I was different but when I actually went to the doctors and she heard from him that there is a more than slight chance I am TG, she acted differently mainly because she didnt understand. So I sat her down and cried my heart out, told her it was not her fault in fact it was no ones fault and that I loved her but she got so mad and turned around and said well if it infringes on my life or my sons then I will have to do something about it. I was hurt by this and have a real fear of losing her.
My wife is worried about the full time thing. It's ok to take hormones but not ok to end your manhood (yuk) forever. There is of course the misconception that you have to be gay to be TG which is simply not true. People are more worried about how it effects them and the people they know rather than how you feel but this does get better with time and I guess it is one of those waiting games to see who is really your friend in the hard times. Not all will stay married but not all will divorce either. For me I felt real guilt and was almost ready to revert back to the way people think I should be and act for the sake of my marraige but then I realized that I could go three ways 1. hide my feelings and drink myself silly 2. Become so depressed that I eventually have a heart attack or similar 3. that I end the side of me that is not right, continue therapy to get my head right and finally break free from everyones expectations of who they think I am. As I said to my wife do I think I could go on living as a male and pretending that everything is ok, NO because I would end up with even more problems than I have now and I have tried to keep my feeling hiddens for 36 years (not right), time catches up with your brain and there is only so much it can take before it says enough is enough.

I hope I havent sounded to pesamistic and that you are taking everyones experiences some good some bad into consideration. Remember you are the one that will decide what to do not anyone else putting words in your mouth or pushing you into doing anything you do not want to do. Be yourself and be true to your feelings, if that isnt good enough then you have done all you can.

Just a final note: Mothers are a bit different than wives.


Sara.

Hi there Molly

To to add a little more to my earlier reply...

One emotion that your wife will probably initially feel is that she has been cheated.  That there is suddenly this other woman in her life who is destroying her marriage, an intruder, this other women who came into their lives and stole her husband, their life their happiness.  She may even feel that you might just as well have had an affair with this other woman, at least she would know what she is up against.

It is so hard to try and determine someones reactions that I would say that it would be better to try and figure out what the consequences may be according to your own situation, and if you can live with them.

Steph

P.S. I'll probably add more, as most of this is from my draft Wiki article

Quote from: melissa_girl on January 28, 2006, 06:14:10 PM
With transsexualism, she will need to realize that her husband is the other woman.

Melissa

That is the point my post was making...

Steph

Just add to my addition... :)  (I'll stop soon)

Even after you have come out the issues don't go away.  We have been married for 33 wonderful years and even tonight at supper we were talking about how we may separate after my surgery, as (her words) I can't satisfy her needs anymore.  I'm OK with that as we have discussed this several times before.  It's just another possible consequence you need to consider down the road.

Steph

One of thee biggest issues that my wife had was that she wondered, "What else have you been hiding from me?  If you knew you were this way why did you marry?"  She says that she feels betrayed and can't trust me anymore.  I try to convince her that I hid it from myself as effectively as I hid it from her and everyone else.  It's been an uphill climb and time will tell but, as I said, I'm hopeful.

Helen, you have hit the nail on the head. This is exactly what happens. "if you knew before then why" They just dont realize that you have hid it from yourself a lot longer than you have known them. That's not to say you have lied to them cause in my case I fell in love with this person who just happens to be female and tried to forget the feelings I had by drinking and did a damn good job, even convincing myself at one stage. Betrayed, hurt, misunderstanding, angry is some of things that comes out and guess what these are the same feelings I have. Who do I blame - I blame myself and is that right NO. I never made a choice to have these feelings but I have made a choice to do something about it and even if you discover that you do not want to go the way of surgery and are content to be on hormones to suppress the T, you are still who you are inside and that will never change. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind (I think that was a song).

Sara.

To my surprise My SO just said okay, I just want you to be happy. then she just wanted to know the details about the condition and things that I had kept inside. From there it's been advice on dressing makeup, trying to help me with my look. Occasionally she goes shopping and finds things and buys them for me and says I just thought this or that would look really good on you.

The issue of keeping it secret really didn't seem to matter to her, she just kind of understood why and accepted that without having to be convinced. I was reallly lucky to have found her and fallen in love with her all those years ago.

Cassie

I was surprised that my ex, who didn't come out as lesbian until 40 and had married and kept it hidden from herself and others, still didn't understand that it wasn't something I was intentionally hiding.

For some reason, she couldn't see the parallel between her own situation and mine.

As the word 'ex' might indicate, she didn't take it well.

Dennis

I would like to say that my wife at first was not really accepting of me. She thought I was gay at first. When I came out I had just had a mental break down and tried to leave this world. I didn't want this and I didn't want to burden my family with all this emotion. My wife at first thought that we will have to divorce, cause I would be a female. Well, by talking together by ourselves and with the therapist we came to believe this is something that we could overcome. So, when I put accepting that is what she became in a matter of a few days. After going through a lot of counseling, by myself and with my wife, we came to under stand all that I have gone through and all that she will go through as we proceed into my transitioning. She went through losing a husband and thinking that she would lose me too. It came through that she didn't lose anything, but my penis.  We are still there for each other and our intimacy is gone as far a sex goes, but I still believe that it will come back. We are very much intimate with ourselves and to each other. There is more to intimacy than sex. I believe that we have gone to a higher plain and that our love for one another is very solid. We are really good friends and, if you want to call it this, Soulmates. She has been my number 1 supporter and I really don't need another. I started another job, as a school bus driver, and have been very much accepted as one of the girls. Everyone knows me, as I have been an advocate for Gender Identity in my community. My wife works at the same place that I retired from and they are all accepting of me and some of the people who were my supervisors in the main office have written to me to say that is I ever wanted to come back they would accept me gladly, at the same rate of pay and same position. So, what I believe in this world, that honesty towards our conviction of who we are is the best position to be in. Yes, there will be fall out as I have been the victim of that too. My son will not see me and nor will my brother. I do think that there is some outside influence in both cases. I'm not erasing them from my life, just a tempory lack of faith. I'm so happy now and I believe that this (Gender Identity) is not going to be a problem for people in the future.
Sheila

My SO is the one who got me into Crossdressing in the first place, one day she had me try on one of her pink fishnet tops, boom, im hooked. She is 100% Supportive, gives me some of her clothes to wear, and cares for me when at times it seems like no one else does.

My Fiancée wanted me to be happy. Unfortunately this meant that WE could not be happy.

Life is a cruel mistress. :icon_weirdface:

Check out the Posting Flying High in Cross Dressers.
:)
Jillieann

Unsupportive, to say the least.

She told me I was possessed by demons and needed to go to church more often. 

I told her I had three options as I saw it (after being in therapy for months)
1. Stay the same and be miserable
2. Some form of transition
3. Die

She responded with if you chose anything but 1, I can't follow you and you'll go to hell.

That was months ago.

I've more or less decided 2 would be too selfish, so, I am staying at 1, trying different things in life ... for now.

Speaking of trying different things, I enrolled in a 6 day a week Kung Fu class which should be a little, much needed, break from my mind.  Today is my first day.

oh my.... i wish i knew what to say....

I am pleased to see that so many SOs were supportive.  More than I thought there would be.

When I came home from my support group last night, I found my wife sobbing and it looked like she had been crying.  She was upset with me for being out, not knowing where or who I was with, and said she thinks I might be having an affair.  I asssured I was not having an affair.

A couple of days ago I asked her if it was OK for me to go the support group and she was OK with that, so I was surprised with her emotional state last night.  She knows I am in therapy and I have talked about the support group with her in terms of how it works, not what is said, and I have never even thought of having an affair.

I tried to reassure her, she knows I am writing a letter to her and plan on sharing why I am in therapy and feel the need to go to a support group.  I ended up sleeping on the couch last night and this morning is feeling awkward.  Bottom line: I am beginning to feel like she is not going to be supportive and that my life as I know it is going to dramaticallly change.  I am very sad this morning.

Molly

Don't forget to express these fears in your letter.  If I were you, I would let her know as soon as possible.  It sounds like it's starting to take a toll on her and the more you put her through, the less supportive I would imagine she would be.  Do however, take a look at Stephanie's letter to her parents if that helps you write it faster.  It's in the Wiki I think.

Good luck with coming out to her.  It's a big step and if she's supportive, then you are going to have a much easier time with this.

Melissa

Molly,

I have to urge you now that I read this last post of yours, to come out to your wife as soon as possible. She is hurting! She is confused! She is doughting herself now too! Don't put her through this any longer. Get the letter finished and do it quickly. I agree with Melissa the longer you wait and the more you put her through from the night you found her crying on, the harder it will be for her to forget you left her drawnding in this terrifing lake of questioning and confussion and didn't throw out the life raft to save her from her wildest imaginations. Do Molly... Tell her soon!

Sincerely,
Peggiann

Quote from: molly on February 02, 2006, 07:28:00 AM
I am pleased to see that so many SOs were supportive.  More than I thought there would be.

When I came home from my support group last night, I found my wife sobbing and it looked like she had been crying.  She was upset with me for being out, not knowing where or who I was with, and said she thinks I might be having an affair.  I asssured I was not having an affair.

A couple of days ago I asked her if it was OK for me to go the support group and she was OK with that, so I was surprised with her emotional state last night.  She knows I am in therapy and I have talked about the support group with her in terms of how it works, not what is said, and I have never even thought of having an affair.

I tried to reassure her, she knows I am writing a letter to her and plan on sharing why I am in therapy and feel the need to go to a support group.  I ended up sleeping on the couch last night and this morning is feeling awkward.  Bottom line: I am beginning to feel like she is not going to be supportive and that my life as I know it is going to dramaticallly change.  I am very sad this morning.

Molly

Hello Molly,

This is one of the very real dangers that you are going to face by coming out, therefore you need to weigh the consequences of coming out to her very carefully.  You have to ask yourself... Is coming out what you want and or need, will you be able to live with the consequences, what will you do if she wants to leave the relationship.  You are not going to be able to reassure her, as although you are not having an affair, you just might of well have been after you reveal to her what this is all about..  You seem to have put yourself in a position where you are going to have to explain what the support group and the therapy is about.  By doing that you don't have to necessarily "Come Out", rather could tell her that you are seeking answers to some of the confusing feeling you are experiencing.  This is not a compete fabrication as that is what the therapy and support group is about.

If you plan to continue and you are willing to chance loosing her, you will have to come out to her.  This cannot be a knee jerk reaction but plan it through, and select a time and place that will afford you both some privacy and the time to discuss what you are going to reveal.  Be prepared for the worse, and be happy if it doesnt occur.

Steph

P.S. The letter I wrote to my mom can be found  here... (http://susans.org/wiki/A_Guide_to_Coming_out_to_Family)

Molly,

Don't jump to conclusion on how your spouse will react, but do be prepared for the worst. There is a whole gambit of reactions and emotions you might expect. You may get initial relief it is not an affair, followed by questins of why you didn't tell her sooner, how long have you known, how can you tell strangers and not me. This is how the news can be just as bad, Either way she may see it as an act of betrayal. This is very shaky ground.

I agree with Steph you should not tell her as a knee jerk reaction. You might assure her that you are having to work out some personal issues which have nothing to do with how you feel about her and that you will talk to her in detail about it soon. You should tell her that you are sorry if it seems like you are keeping things from her but that you need to work some things out before telling her all the details of what it is you have sought out therapy about and that the support group is part of that therapy.

Tell her that you want and need to tell her and that you will need her help and support and once you have disclosed everything you would like her to come with you. These are some things you can do with out haveing to give full disclosure before you are ready. Most importantly you should not come clean while she is angry, You will most likely be throwing gasoline on a fire. Be careful. I have said this before and I will say it again preparartion and timeing are key if there is to be any hope of understanding and support from your spouse.

There are of course no gaurantees that with proper preparation and timeing that she will react positively, but your chances will be greatly increased.

Good Luck,

Cassie

Molly,

Cassie and Steph make very good comments and the advise for how to tell her is very well worded. I would have felt so much better so much sooner had I been told even a little like they have worded issues so wonderfully.

I think it show compassion for how your wife feels and That you have every intention of including her when you are ready and feel you know where you stand yourself on matters.

Smiles,
Peggiann

I would like to thank everyone for the good advise regarding coming out to my wife.  I took it all into consideration and believe it did help me in drafting the letter and picking the right time and setting to have the best possible outcome.

My coming out was out of necessity and not in anyway a reaction to my wifes emotions.  I am at the point in my life where I have to do this, but I want to work through the compromises necessary to gain my wifes acceptance.  She is very special to me and she is my best friend, so I am hopeful this all works out.

Molly

I also hope it works out for you.  I wish you luck in life.

Melissa

my wife was in shock.... she did leave for about 2 year.s.. when i tried to transition... but came back when i could not do it... her take on things now are... if you must... but i dont want to see you.. fully dressed

How did my wife take things?  strange; - initially accepting ( with reservations) and then deeply unhappy, for a while it did look like our marriage was on shaky ground - then things on hold, and our relationship seemed to have improved greatly.

We seemed to come to an arrangement without actually stating it that nothing was to happen until after children left home - this has happened, but nothing has moved forward - rana is here, an invisible presence and I have come to the realisation that the hold up is me.

I am torn in different directions here. I like the situation as it is now, I dont want to rock the boat, I dont want to appear foolish - I am a passable man but sadly I will appear a unpretty woman - and I hate to admit this, this disturbs me.  I dont know what I expect of myself

At a certain level I am deeply unhappy and I dont really know what to do about it

I came out to my ex and she was supportive.

Staying the same and being miserable isn't a great way to build a lasting relationship.  At some point, many TS, if not most, look down the barrel of the gun or look at the pile of pills in his or her hand.  If it gets anywhere near that point, choose life.

You are Number One.  Your spouse is Number One.  Sometimes that means the realtionship has to end for each to not only survive but to blossom.

Non-supportive

Supportive, as in "I love you and am happy you have shared this part of you with me".  Not supportive as in if I decide to transition the marriage is over. :(

Well, at first it seems she didn't understand exactly what I meant by I have these gender identity issues and don't identify as male. It wasn't until things between us had fallen apart that she finally understood that I meant that I was planning a transition, and then her response went from apathetic to supportive.

Of course, I don't know exactly if you would call that a success, but at the very least her cheating had nothing to do with me being transgender, so I guess that isn't bad on that. I know this sounds odd, but I wish I had really done this years ago, I might even have been able to salvage things. I think fear kept me from putting myself in a position of strength to tell her, and that caused us both too much grief.

She is not supportive at all.
Infact she offen outs me in public.
Sometime I think the person she is outing me to thinks she is crazy. ;)

My current SO has always been supportive. He has known I was trans since before we started our relationship again, but often he pushes me to be myself more than I push myself.

I told my wife about myself (best I knew then) before we were married '84. There were many phases we were to go through before 2010, when I finally started getting help for this....

My transition has been a long road for both of us, and she is with me today, with love.

C -