Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Hello ladies, could you please suggest ways to come out to my family members.
    I'm afraid that they will get angry and won't accept me. I'm having nightmares about this scenario.
    I want to do this as soon as possible. I am 21 yrs old.
    Also, can you please tell me ways in which you came out to your parents?

     P.s. :-  I can manage coming out to my friends myself because, I think they will understand me.

Saira,

This is how I came/come out to people. 

I tell them that I've been diagnosed with gender dysphoria and have been struggling with it since I was 4.

It helps that I've had three medical professionals all diagnose the same thing.  If you can see a therapist before coming out. You'll have the armament needed to day "look, it's a medical condition that leads to ->-bleeped-<-".

At that point there is little they can say because you take the choice out of the equation.

If you have some really close friends practice on them first.  Until I got my speech down, the first few were rocky.  But since then I've told about 50 people and none have been negative.

Good luck, it's hard.  I would say it's the hardest part after admitting it to yourself.

Sent from my LG-H820 using Tapatalk

Thank you very much Denise. I will try to write down a speech.          My problem is, every morning , I wake up and I decide that today will be the day that I come out but I just keep on procrastinating.

Saira,
   Give some thought to a letter that you can give them. Being nervous or getting interrupted may prevent you from saying everything you want to say. I had great success telling my sons. I gave them a heads up (in letter form) before the talk that I had something I had to talk to them about. I said I was very scared/worried to tell them. I said it was a very big thing, and I wanted them to get themselves ready to listen. I then told them I was not sick or dying or divorcing or going to jail. This assured that they were ready to listen when I wanted to talk. It also made them worry a bit that it might be something much "worse." I used that to my advantage to be honest. I told them how much pain  the whole thing had caused. I made it clear that I hated the thought of hurting them but I had a choice. I could live a miserable existence being the old me or transition and live a life were I could be happy. With parents maybe consider a first step of "I am struggling with gender dysphoria. This is what dysphoria is about, and I am not sure where it will lead me. (Even if you know how it will end.) Parents like to be included in the process. They don't like "I made all the decisions, now live with it." You know your parents. These are just ideas that I saw work in my case. Good luck.
Monica

Thank you Monica. You ladies are so beautiful. I just hope my parents are as accepeting of my true-self as you wonderful people are.

Hi again, beautiful Saira!!  :icon_flower:

These are some great advices!! It's so beautiful to see we helping each other. :)


Well, I also wrote a few thoughts that I really hope that could be of any help for you and others in the same situation. So in my opinion, I think you may want to do some or all of these steps:

PREVIOUSLY:

1. Be absolutely sure that this is what you want!! If you are not still sure, do more research. Experience with your body and your habits. Talk to other transgender people. If available, do some psychotherapy sessions - they really help!

2. Being sure about it. You need to do lots of research. Are there doctors or public health services specifically for transgender people in India? Or even private. This is something really important to find out!
Look for ONGs, human rights groups, LGBT associations or other trans people nearby. They might help you much more than you imagine.

3. Talk to a medic, specially if you find out a doctor with experience with trans people. The doctor might help you to be better prepared, may access your health condition previous to any HRT and may give you the gender dysphoria diagnostic - what, as Denise pointed out, might help you with telling your parents.

4. Try to verify what your parents think about transgenders. This might reeeeally help about anticipating possible reactions and scenarios, and could help you to plan better your strategies.
Do you use to see movies together? I'd really recommend you to watch The Danish Girl with them.

You'd like to pay careful atention on what they say or think. You might want to make some questions about the movie and use the moment to reinforce that you think the character happiness is the most important thing; that the secondary character was amazingly supportive and something (sorry, a little bit of spoiler here).
Be ready to open up your heart as you attitude might raise some suspicious on them.  ;)

Your parents are health workers, right? You may told them you've read about gender dysphoria as ask them what they think about it. Or use any other source of information or news to bring the topic up to them and promote a sincere dialog about opinions.

5. Based on all the information you gathered, write down some speech, anticipating possible reactions of them. You don't have to memorize them. Just write down, it will help you to organize your thoughts and be more ready to talk to them.

6. Prepare lots of technical and helpful information about transgender to be ready to provide them as soon as you tell them about your situation. This might help them to read and research more later.

7. If you think they could be really hard, with the risk of sending you away (sadly some parents are just like this), be prepared. Have a B plan about where could you go and what could you do about your life. Get friends and organizations' support.

TELLING THEM:

1. Based on what you discovered earlier, you may identify if you would expect any harsh reaction from any of them - or both. If you find one of them is more inclined to accept you than the other, you may consider talking first with this one privately. This person may also help you to tell the other one.

2. If you think they can be really aggressive or disrespectful, and you don't want to confront them directly, you want want to think about an indirect approach.

DIRECT APPROACH (FACE TO FACE):

1. I'd recommend you not to go directly to the point, as this may cause some shock and make it difficult to have a clear communication.

• Ask them if they have one hour to talk. Be sure that you won't be interrupted because someone has to leave for work, or something. Pick a good timing.
• Start talking about your happiness, your feelings. That you feel there is something really wrong about you, and something that makes you terribly said.
• Ask them if they have noticed you are said, or if there is something different about you. Maybe you might be surprised with their answers.
• Tell them that ever since you read about gender dysphoria you started to understand yourself. And you really wish them to also help you understand yourself. Remember to reinforce the technical term gender dysphoria, as this might give them a concrete scientific approach to focus and give them something to research by theirselves later.
• Ask them what do they think about it. Make them involved. Don't only talk, but be sure they are understanding and participating and willing to give their opinions.

2. Sincerely thank them for hearing you and trying to understand you. Tell them you love them!

INDIRECT APPROACH:

1. If you are really scared about a direct conflict, you may want to think about an indirect approach. I mean, make them "discover" without being there to face the first impacts of the shock. This might give them some time to cool their minds and think about the situation.

2. But I'd recommend you to always prefer the Direct Approach, even thou it seems harder, it may really help to explore the family feelings and expectations.

3. Indirect approach might be:

• Writing a "formal" letter explaining all the situation. It would help you if you use the same development we've talked about before: not going directly to the point and focusing on your feelings and on the gender dysphoria diagnostic. You can deliver the letter directly and ask them to read alone when they have some time to think about what you wrote. Or you may leave the letter on their bed or something...
• Remember the letters you were writing in the beginning, preparing yourself to talk to them. Well, you could accidentally forget one of them on a place you are sure they will find.
• Recording a video where you tell them everything. Some people like this option as your parents can SEE your emotions and feelings and avoid you from direct confrontation. It is more personal and emotive than a written letter.
• Recording a voice message. I personally don't like this approach.

AFTER TELLING THEM:

1. If you have any suspicious that they can became aggressive, even physically, anticipate this scenario and avoid putting yourself in a position where you may get hurt. Keep a safe distance, don't let them be between you and a possible route of escape (like the main door) and be ready to leave if things get out of control. Do not ever confront them physically and avoid verbal confront.

It might seem a little bit overcautious to think about this scenario, but in some macho societies some parents - and specially fathers - can go that far. Avoid putting yourself in this situation by knowing your parents, knowing previously what they think about transgenders and if they ever became aggressive when facing a hard situation.

2. Don't expect them to accept it and understand it immediately. It is something really new that changes the image they have build about their son. Give them some time to digest all the information and feelings. Let them know you are there if they have any question or if they still need to talk.

3. Provide them with good information material about transgenders and gender dysphoria. Let them research and understand the situation on their own pace.

4. Please be more emotionally close to them. Let them see you are the same you ever been, you just want to be your real self. Let them see that you love them and this would never change!

5. In the worst scenario that they send you away, do not let it destroy what you feel about them. Try to put yourself into their minds and understand their motivation to do it. Try to maintain contact through visits, letters or phone calls. Always tell them you love them!


CONSIDERATIONS:

Normally, parents do love their sons and daughters, and they can't stand seeing their "children" suffer. Every parent love to see their children happy. It is all about love!
Some situation might numb a little bit the parents reactions. They may be very upset, thinking you are committing a big mistake, doing something terribly wrong and blind to the truth. They may think you are lost, sexually perverted or under the influence of someone or something.
All these thoughts are very bad and are able to produce very strong feelings that may temporarily surpass the good feelings they feel about you.
Please try to see the situation through their eyes, identify possible defensive mechanisms that might be running and be ready to clarify all your feelings. Repeat a thousand times any information if they need it.
If you feel like crying (normally we females do), please do cry. Let them see your true feelings.
Give them some time. And do not ever forget to tell them you love them no matter what!!!

Wow, I can't believe I wrote that much!!  :o
Well, I really hope it helps you and maybe other trangender people who read it.

Please if you feel like sharing your feelings, I would really love to know how the situation is developing.

Kind and warm feelings and kisses for you! :icon_flower:

Annushka ...I really want to hug you right now.
    I can just imagine the time you took to write that down. It really shows how much of a caring person you are.
    Yes, we girls do cry a lot, I mean, I am crying after reading this.
     I feel the direct approach is better suited for me. I really love my parents, my grandmother, my sister. I think they love me enough to understand.
      About being absolutely sure, Yes ...I will be absolutely sure when I come out to them. Thank you for that . The past few years, I used to wear my sister's clothes secretly and then would feel guilty about it. I thought of myself as a sick, hypersexual pervert who doesn't deserve the love he is getting from his parents. Those were some really dark days.
     Now, after accepting who I truly am, I feel so light, as if someone has taken a heavy weight off my breast. I just want to be a 100 percent sure now, so that I don't have any regrets later. 
     You Annushka are a very lovely lady, you remembered my parents were doctors, that shows your sincerity.
    If I were near you, I would have   been hugging you and crying in your arms right now.
     I imagined the whole coming out scenario in my mind, and I can't stop the tears flowing. I just  hope that I don't hurt my parents, and they accept me as their daughter.
                Thank you Annushka.
                 Love you girl.

Oh, Saira, we are all cheering for you.  You've found the strength to admit the possibilities of being a transgender person to yourself, are accepting yourself, and have reached out for help.  That is not an easy thing to do.

  Annushka has provided some really good information for you (and many other readers!  Thank you!).  That may be one of the best 'coming out' summations I've seen.

"Pervert"?  That is just a bit of poison from society.  We grow up exposed to the transphobia common in many cultures, and absorb some of it.  When we reflect that poison back on ourselves, that's what is called "internalized transphobia."  Your self-acceptance will heal this.       

Know that you are strong, and can handle this.

Hugs
Michelle

Wow, Annushka. That was a wonderful post. Great advice all around.

What's left to say? :)

I'd suggest coming out to some supportive friends first. It'll help you warm up for the big event, and it's easier to come out to your parents once you know that you already have some friends in your corner. You'll also have a support group to turn to if things go badly.

I'll share my personal experience coming out to my parents, which just happened last weekend. I chose an indirect route. My parents live about a thousand miles away and we don't talk very often, so I felt a detailed email would be the best way to get everything I needed to say. My main goals were:

- Explain the medical side of it to make it clear that it the common view that we just "want" to be women doesn't really reflect the reality of the situation.
- Make it clear that I understood the news would be shocking and suprising, and that I wanted to be there for them as they processed this change in our lives.
- Provide some references for them to read when they're ready that would help explain the reality of ->-bleeped-<-.
- As we've been talking about in my "transition motivation" thread, I ended up sharing my personal history and the reality of my current life and how unhappy I was, and explain how transitioning medically/socially has real potential to improve my life.

I'll make a new post in this subforum to share my "coming out" letter. Maybe it'll help you find a starting point.

Thank you for the suggestions. I am thinking of telling them directly, face-to-face.
      I just think that this is not the right time, what with my sister having a baby a month ago.
      I think they are pretty stressed out right now. As is , I also have my exams coming up.
      I think I will plan to come out maybe late Jan or Feb 2017 at the start of my new term.
      Thank you for your suggestions.

Good morning dear girls!

I was wondering if we could work a little on this "step by step", add a few more points and create a fixed topic, maybe called: "Help on telling your loved ones about your transition" or something.

Maybe this could help even more other people who don't haven't read this current topic but have with the same problem.

What do you think about it?? :)

Any Admin reading? Do you think it could work?

I think its a wonderful idea Anna.

What works best really is dependent on the relationship you have with your parents/family members/friends to whom you're coming out to, as well as your personal circumstances. 

* Do you have a close relationship to them? 
* What type of personality do you (and they) have? 
* Are they more liberal or conservative minded? 
* How close do you live to them? 
* How often do you see them? 
* Are you self sufficient or do you rely on them for support?
* What is your ultimate goal?  How far do you plan to transition?
* Are you willing to sacrifice your relationship if it's necessary to move forward with your plans?

I'd caution you to take your time, be selective in whom you initially come out to, and be prepared to deal with the worst case scenario of everyone rejecting you.  Sadly, 100% acceptance upfront is rare.

I lived thousands of miles from family, and only spoke with family members on holidays like mother's day, father's day, birthdays, thanksgiving and christmas.  This allowed me to undergo counseling, begin HRT, live full time and ultimately complete SRS before telling anyone in my family.  (Really)  I had accepted that not everyone was going to support my transition, but I was also independent and capable of continuing my life if things really hit the fan.  In my case I emailed everyone, told them to make a list of questions and concerns they had, and I would get back to them after I got back from a two week recovery vacation.  People adjust, and some will surprise you, but always remember to put yourself FIRST before falling for the guilt trip that many family members will try to pull. 

In a nutshell, I went in with the attitude that "this is who I am now, so please give me a chance or let's go our separate ways. Permanently."  My hardcore homophobic dad took the longest, but eventually everyone ended up deciding to stay in my life.   

Thank you AngieT. I think my family will accept me, well, most of them anyway.
    I just want my mom and dad to accept it, I don't really care about other people.
     I just hope that I don't have to choose between my parents and my transition.
         And, if it comes to that, I don't think I'll be happy even after transitioning.
     

Quote from: Saira128 on November 23, 2016, 10:27:20 PM
Thank you very much Denise. I will try to write down a speech.          My problem is, every morning , I wake up and I decide that today will be the day that I come out but I just keep on procrastinating.

If you knew that they would accept you as you are, it would be easy. But unfortunatelly, we never know how they will react. I told my ex-partner and she flipped out. I haven't told my parents but, like you, I wish to tell them every day. I am waiting to have both diagnosis from my therapists so I can show my parents that I'm doing this, not by choice, but because I must, to be myself. Since it's diagnosed and backed up by 2 different doctors, i guess it's more easily digested by them.

Sent from my ONE E1003 using Tapatalk

Hi,

I just saw this post and it made me think of all the trans youth I use to work with here in Seattle.  Each one of them were in various stages of coming out to those around them.  And each one had their own issues to deal with as far as coming out.  The biggest one being the los of those in their family.  The support group I ran had many discussions on this topic, but ultimately each of them wanted to be themselves regardless.  It was not easy for each of them to come out as it was for me.

Diana mentioned that her ex "flipped out".  I can relate, but when it came to telling my family, I started with my Mom, and it took some time for her to fully come around, but we both wanted the relationship to last and it has in fact grown stronger.  My sisters were mixed, the youngest of the two acepted me fully right away, the other, well were were estranged for a better part of the last 13 years following coming out. We have finally come to a place where we are more in each others lives, but we still have a ways to go.  Then there was my Dad.  Everyone in my family told me to wait to tell him, they were not sure how he would react.  So I did, I waited until right before I had FFS, because after that, there really would be no way to hide the many changes happening in my life.  So I called him, and we talked and he was the absolute easiest person to come out to.  Once I told him, he never misgendered me, he never called me by my old name and he alwys told me he loved me and was proud of me.  So the morale I have here is that you never really know how people will react and what they will say or do.  I had to be true to myself and be honest with those around me, and we grew closer because of that.

My dad, an old farmer from Nebraska, turned out to be my biggest supporter.  I am glad I came out to him when I did, because he passed away a few years after I transitioned, and had I not told him, I would have regretted it.

I wish you the best in telling your family.  Be true to yourself and fight for what you want, and if what you want is a strong relationship with your family, then fight for it. 

Peaceful thoughts your way

-Sarah

I am so sorry that your wife reacted this way. I know it would have been very hard on you. I hope to God, your family will be more accepting.
       I haven't yet gone to a therapist. I guess, going to a therapist has such a sense of finalilty, that there is no coming back after.
    The problem with me is, I don't want to believe there is a problem. That's what is keeping me back.
    I wake up every morning, and wish that I would just be normal like everyone else around me. I cry myself to sleep every night, and hope that tomorrow will be different. But the feeling never goes.
      I think, eventually, I will fix an appointment with a therapist.
     Till then,
           Love,
            -Saira

Quote from: Inarasarah on November 27, 2016, 07:50:34 PM
Hi,

I just saw this post and it made me think of all the trans youth I use to work with here in Seattle.  Each one of them were in various stages of coming out to those around them.  And each one had their own issues to deal with as far as coming out.  The biggest one being the los of those in their family.  The support group I ran had many discussions on this topic, but ultimately each of them wanted to be themselves regardless.  It was not easy for each of them to come out as it was for me.

Diana mentioned that her ex "flipped out".  I can relate, but when it came to telling my family, I started with my Mom, and it took some time for her to fully come around, but we both wanted the relationship to last and it has in fact grown stronger.  My sisters were mixed, the youngest of the two acepted me fully right away, the other, well were were estranged for a better part of the last 13 years following coming out. We have finally come to a place where we are more in each others lives, but we still have a ways to go.  Then there was my Dad.  Everyone in my family told me to wait to tell him, they were not sure how he would react.  So I did, I waited until right before I had FFS, because after that, there really would be no way to hide the many changes happening in my life.  So I called him, and we talked and he was the absolute easiest person to come out to.  Once I told him, he never misgendered me, he never called me by my old name and he alwys told me he loved me and was proud of me.  So the morale I have here is that you never really know how people will react and what they will say or do.  I had to be true to myself and be honest with those around me, and we grew closer because of that.

My dad, an old farmer from Nebraska, turned out to be my biggest supporter.  I am glad I came out to him when I did, because he passed away a few years after I transitioned, and had I not told him, I would have regretted it.

I wish you the best in telling your family.  Be true to yourself and fight for what you want, and if what you want is a strong relationship with your family, then fight for it. 

Peaceful thoughts your way

-Sarah

Hello Sarah, it feels good to know that you are working with people like me. I wish I would have a place like this in my city.
     We are literally oceans apart, and yet we are all humans with the same problems.
      What you said about your family was beautiful. I think, sometimes, the people you think that won't accept can surprise you.
       What your father did was beautiful. And I am sorry for your tragic loss. I imagine, he would have been a wonderful person. I guess, it was nice that, in the last years of his life, he could see the real "You".
       I will see a therapist soon. I am about to complete my second to last semester in college, and I have to study. The subjects of Opthalmology, Ear, nose and throat are the ones I am quite weak in.   :-)
       Co- incidently, the best psychiatrist in my city, is also the head of the psychiatry department in my college. So, if I consult him, it will be really weird, sitting and listening to his classes, with my life being an open book to him. ( I have my psychiatry lessons in my final year.)
       I guess, I will figure it out. I have always been figuring it out in my life, and I have come so far.
        It was nice talking to you Sarah. I hope we can talk some more in the future.
                          - Saira

P.s - our names are so similar.
   
               

Be positive.
Tell them about how this is the best thing that has happened to you.
Don't say any negative things like "nobody would ever want to be trans."
Stress how happy this makes you.
Make sure that they get that this is good news.

Thanks Jane Emily...I'll definitely do that.

Saira,

Find yourself the right therapist, once again, I am fortunate living in Seattle (pretty big trans community here).  So this means that there are several good options for therapists who understand and can work with transgender clients.  Not all therapists are cut from the same cloth.  Just as our experiences influence our perceptions and prejudices, this is the same for therapists.  After I came out to my then wife, we went to a therapist who was very much not supportive of LGBT people.  Unfortunately this was not something that was known until we were there, but it became obvious right away.  So please do some homework when you are looking for a good therapist.  I found a great one and he helped me learn more about myself.  It made my transition journey so much better.

As for my dad, I will admit I was surprised, but then people tend to soften as they get older. Unfortunately he died in an auto accident, if not I swear he would be sitting in the stands watching me play roller derby today.  That is just how he changed as he got older.  Your family will hopefully be there for you, especially if they love you.  That does not mean that they won't question your transition, or have questions or even resistance.  The "you" they have known will be changing into the "you" that you know you are.  And if they love and support you, then those relationships can survive transition.  :)

Just remember transition takes time and it is one of the most magical experiences you will ever go through.  There will be pain and heart ache, but there will also be joy and wonder.  Enjoy your journey <3

-Sarah

p.s. - you do have a lovely name

Thank you Sarah!

Quote from: Saira128 on November 27, 2016, 09:24:29 PM
I am so sorry that your wife reacted this way. I know it would have been very hard on you. I hope to God, your family will be more accepting.
       I haven't yet gone to a therapist. I guess, going to a therapist has such a sense of finalilty, that there is no coming back after.
    The problem with me is, I don't want to believe there is a problem. That's what is keeping me back.
    I wake up every morning, and wish that I would just be normal like everyone else around me. I cry myself to sleep every night, and hope that tomorrow will be different. But the feeling never goes.
      I think, eventually, I will fix an appointment with a therapist.
     Till then,
           Love,
            -Saira

Going to a therapist is something you should do and not make a great deal about it. It will help you, believe me. It will not define what's definitive in your life, you already know that.

For me, going to a therapist helped me, by giving me other people's perspectives, and how to react to them, so you won't get caught in more adverse reactions from family or friends and begin to doubt about yourself, so you can please everyone.

You are who you are, and no one can take that from you. If they love you, they will understand, but sometimes, you have to know what to say to them.

My ex partner asked me not to transition, because of our two year old son. As I am in an early stage of transition, the best way for me was to tell her that I'm not going to stop transitioning, but will use my male appearence (as long as I have it, and as it will take some time for changes to be visible) until the day I cannot do that anymore, or until the day I can talk to my son, and explain to him who I really am. I know it's not the best option, but it's one that allows me from continuing seeing my son, and allows my ex to be a part of my life, and go through my transition, seeing that the person inside is the same, only the outer shell will change.

Don't give up on yourself. I did that when I first knew I was transgender, at the age 16, and it was the worst thing I did with my life. I am now transitionning at the age of 38, and lost 22 years of my life, so that everyone else could be happy and comfortable with themselves.... except me.

Diana.

Sent from my ONE E1003 using Tapatalk

Thanks for the support Diana. I'll be seeing a therapist soon.
      Love,
    - Saira.