Susan's Place Transgender Resources

I am posting this because I need advice. I am frustrated. I haven't posted anything for quite a while because I am disgusted with myself and have wanted nothing to do with any of this. But I need advice because I really think I'm done. I had surgery with Dr. Bowers in 2013. Since the surgery, I have really had no sexual pleasure, arousal, or sensation. I have not orgasmed. I have posted about this before hoping someone could offer advice, but nothing I have heard or tried has worked. I have tried various ways/methods. And I have tried medication interventions such as testosterone or progesterone. I have tried contacting Dr. Bowers, but she has not offered anything of use.

A year ago, I had a horrible smell coming from the neovagina. I went to my doctor and she pulled out a hairball. It reeked. Apparently, I have a lot of hair growing in the neovagina. The other night, I was dilating and I turned to my wife, and crying I told her, "I can't do this anymore. I can't dilate for the rest of my life." I'm thinking about quitting. I have no sexual pleasure from the neovagina; why keep it open? What else can I try? Now I ask again, before I give up, what else can I do?

I don't know if you are aware of this but in order to enjoy sex, you need to be aroused first. The normal name it goes by is foreplay and it can involve cuddling, sexual thoughts and rubbing sensitive areas of the body. When you reach the proper state of mind, your entire body will feel warm. Possibly your wife can instruct you on this process. After that, physical sex will be effective. It's far different that with a male where foreplay isn't required.

As for your vagina closing up. I paid attention to dilation for a number of year and then became very busy in life. I forgot to dilate for about 10 years and then decided to resume it. As I have only one dilator, it was tight the first few times I used it but I have regained my original size. It appears after you are past the scar tissue formation stage the vaginal will remain open and can be recovered with minimal effort.

I'm sorry to hear you are feeling this way. I can't offer any practical advice re sexual pleasuring but do wonder if talking to a counsellor to find a way to process your disappointment and "self-disgust" might be a useful step. Sometimes we can't change something but we can change how we feel about it for the better.

Quote from: Dena on November 28, 2016, 07:00:59 PM
I don't know if you are aware of this but in order to enjoy sex, you need to be aroused first. The normal name it goes by is foreplay and it can involve cuddling, sexual thoughts and rubbing sensitive areas of the body. When you reach the proper state of mind, your entire body will feel warm. Possibly your wife can instruct you on this process. After that, physical sex will be effective. It's far different that with a male where foreplay isn't required.

As for your vagina closing up. I paid attention to dilation for a number of year and then became very busy in life. I forgot to dilate for about 10 years and then decided to resume it. As I have only one dilator, it was tight the first few times I used it but I have regained my original size. It appears after you are past the scar tissue formation stage the vaginal will remain open and can be recovered with minimal effort.

this is good to know

Remember the struggle to get where you are. Remember it was a lifetime struggle. The thought you put into transitioning was not on a whim. You wanted to be where you are. But as with most things in life it takes work. Lots and lots of hard work. Sometimes the results will be with extreme highs and sometimes with extreme lows but over time they equal out. Somehow I believe it was pre surgery prep that is causing some of your problems as it appears you did not get your genitals fully cleared of hair before surgery. Ergo hairballs. I am surprised Dr Bowers didn't advise you before hand. One thing we do know about the process is that it takes time. Lots and lots of time so you are already vested. You've come this far, be brave, be vigilant in doing the maintenance and give it a chance. Study Tantric Sex as a method for arousal. You are now a woman the days of wham bam thank you ma'am are over so slow down and enjoy it.
http://www.goodtoknow.co.uk/relationships/273020/tantric-sex

This may sound crazy but maybe electrolysis.   Balance of Levels.  A new doctor and endocrinologist.  It may also be that you may need a restorative surgery.  I'm no expert.  I have read a lot recently and I know sometimes mistakes happen. Maybe a new doctor or endo can give better insight as to the cause and what can be done to fix it.


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Do not quit.  I'm just starting and would love to be post op.  I know it hurts but isn't being a woman worth it. 


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A  couple  things  i  feel  compelled  to  chime  in  on. 
  first,  at  what  point  do we  stop  referring  to  our  new creation  as  a  'neo vagina'?    heck  with  that.    its  my  puss,  wooch,  cooter,  its  me,    taint  no  neo  nothing.  its  real,  its  mine. 
  point  there,  the  perception  of  what  we  have  and  who  we  are....

  Orgasm,  yep  I  cried  too,  was  nearly  1.5  years  and  nothing.    welcome  to  nerve  deafness  and  healing,  some  take  longer  then  others  anf  frustrations  dont  help.    I  solved  mine    by  getting  two  industrial  grade  vibrators  and  a  gallon  of  lube,    one  inside,  one  out  side  and  turned  them  on  high  speed.    Honestly,  that  got  things  going,  jump  started  things  and  let  me  know  that  yes,  the  puss  can  purr,  it  is  just,  was  just  up  to  me  to  figure  out  the  rest. 

  Hair,    no  real answers  there.  i  paid  the  extra,  get  the  follicles  off  when  i  was  in  surgery,  easier  then  ,  then  at  any  other  time.    talk  to  the  experts,  see  hat  can  be  done
 
Quitting,????  are  you  seriouse?    sexual  activity  is  important,  we,  like  with  most  women,  do  not  orgasm  every  time  we  spread  our  legs.  its  a  much  more  complicated  process  that begins  with  arousal,  excitement  desire,  and  ends  in  the  sexual  act.   it  aint like  a  male  no  more,  you  got  two  locations  for  arousal  and  pleasure,  and  they  both  need  attention  to some  degree  to  get  over  the  mountain.    the  dialiating  stints.  Throw  them  in  the  drawer,  and  go  get  you  some life  like ,  real  looking  soft / hard / bumpy / vibrating   "toys"  that  will  help you  take  this  all  from  medicinal  maintenance,  to  omg  im  gonna  fantasize  and  get  laid.     Drop  the  expectations  of  fireworks  and  lightning,  and  look  for  subtle  sensation, , explore  and  experiment,  lock  the  door  so  your  not  disturbed,  take  your  time  and  learn,  relax,  etc.    the  nerve  endings  are  there  somewhere,  and  its  up  to  you  to  find  them.     

I've been post op almost 9 years.  I've never had an orgasm when awake.  (I have had many in my dreams.)

I have been close many times but it seemed I would reach a point where it would plateau and no matter what I did I just couldn't bring it on.  I finally stopped trying.  That was 7 or 8 years ago.

Sure, an orgasm is an amazing feeling but not having them isn't the end of the world.  I have a lot of things that keep me busy and happy.  In the "old days" orgasm was a cinch.  But that raging T coursing through my body messed with my inner peace.  I find inner peace much more satisfying than easy orgasms coupled with raging T.

Well, sometimes things are the way they are. And that is OK. Your situation is normal, you are normal. It is also OK to be OK with it. Things might change. Go with the flow.

I only dilate once a month. Last month I forgot to dilate, and skipped two months. No problem. Took me 30 minutes, but it got back.  :)

Quote from: lilredneckgirl on December 29, 2016, 07:42:23 AM
A  couple  things  i  feel  compelled  to  chime  in  on. 
  first,  at  what  point  do we  stop  referring  to  our  new creation  as  a  'neo vagina'?    heck  with  that.    its  my  puss,  wooch,  cooter,  its  me,    taint  no  neo  nothing.  its  real,  its  mine. 
  point  there,  the  perception  of  what  we  have  and  who  we  are....

  Orgasm,  yep  I  cried  too,  was  nearly  1.5  years  and  nothing.    welcome  to  nerve  deafness  and  healing,  some  take  longer  then  others  anf  frustrations  dont  help.    I  solved  mine    by  getting  two  industrial  grade  vibrators  and  a  gallon  of  lube,    one  inside,  one  out  side  and  turned  them  on  high  speed.    Honestly,  that  got  things  going,  jump  started  things  and  let  me  know  that  yes,  the  puss  can  purr,  it  is  just,  was  just  up  to  me  to  figure  out  the  rest. 

  Hair,    no  real answers  there.  i  paid  the  extra,  get  the  follicles  off  when  i  was  in  surgery,  easier  then  ,  then  at  any  other  time.    talk  to  the  experts,  see  hat  can  be  done
 
Quitting,????  are  you  seriouse?    sexual  activity  is  important,  we,  like  with  most  women,  do  not  orgasm  every  time  we  spread  our  legs.  its  a  much  more  complicated  process  that begins  with  arousal,  excitement  desire,  and  ends  in  the  sexual  act.   it  aint like  a  male  no  more,  you  got  two  locations  for  arousal  and  pleasure,  and  they  both  need  attention  to some  degree  to  get  over  the  mountain.    the  dialiating  stints.  Throw  them  in  the  drawer,  and  go  get  you  some life  like ,  real  looking  soft / hard / bumpy / vibrating   "toys"  that  will  help you  take  this  all  from  medicinal  maintenance,  to  omg  im  gonna  fantasize  and  get  laid.     Drop  the  expectations  of  fireworks  and  lightning,  and  look  for  subtle  sensation, , explore  and  experiment,  lock  the  door  so  your  not  disturbed,  take  your  time  and  learn,  relax,  etc.    the  nerve  endings  are  there  somewhere,  and  its  up  to  you  to  find  them.     

^THIS^ All of it, great stuff and oh, so TRUE!!

To also speak plainly, yes, you have a pussy now, and if you think of it as a post-operative surgical site, well, lawdy, that alone would stop me from going over the edge and letting the bomb go off, oh my, yes...

Ok, so more soberly, another angle..

Re-mapping your neurological connections takes place in your mind as well as in the relocated tissues. Quiet, thoughtful touch, running your fingers slowly from left to right across your vulva, does the touch of your fingertips draw a line in your mind that matches the motion below? Slipping a finger in, slowly, does your mind 'feel' the insertion in a linear way that matches the feeling in your finger? Are there places where your mind feels nothing, but your finger does? It took me over a year to have the sense that my brain 'knew' where everything was, and it took mindfulness to create a 'map' inside my head that matched my new anatomy.

Think 'tantric', don't think 'Big-O', find the places that ARE working, go slow, use your fingers, use a LOT of lube, make sure your head is clear, your mind isn't impatient, your feet are warm, and let yourself enjoy even the smallest of sensations. Build on that. Do it alone. Do it with your wife. Have your wife do to you what works for her. I found that watching videos of men reaching climax absolutely guaranteed I would climax in some kind of sympathetic eruption, too. That helped me a lot before I had a bf that I loved. But even with him, I only have smaller orgasms because like most women, I am too focused on his pleasure to let myself build up to a great big one of my own. I know cis women that orgasm fine alone, but never do with their man. There are lots of reasons a girl may have a block about orgasming.

Many cis women have orgasm issues that have nothing to do with their equipment, they have issues that a sex therapist, not a gender therapist, can help. Maybe that is the angle, I dunno.

I went to Brassard, he doesn't allow electro before surgery, he scrapes the skin and uses cautery. I had about 18 loooong hairs inside my puss and a hairball stuck up in the apex, too. Pushing a dilator in and out in bed everyday, all day, had forced not only pubic hair up there, but loose head hair from my bed, also. (Gross, I know, sorry, but hey, I wanna be truthful here, not delicate). I was in a panic, and grossed out, but Brassard was calm and told me to just pull out the hairballs, lol, and to wet my thumb and first finger of my left hand (I am right-handed), roll onto my right side, spread my legs, work my finger and thumb in as deeply as I can, and with my fingers inside myself, pinch the hair as close to the skin as possible, and slowly tear them out, pull as many as you can, and keep doing this, over time, they will stop growing, and your vagina will be hair-free. A year later, after no more than 12-15 pull sessions, I am down to two hairs. Gross, but worth the effort, plus, I became more familiar with my vaginal canal, found my G-spot, and I never have hairballs inside anymore, either. Yeah, it was not something I liked, but I did it, and now my self-esteem is much better.

I never dilate, and I often go weeks without penetration, and I have the same depth and width now as when I stopped dilating.

The smell?

I don't like to douche, but I do anyway, but only as needed, and that is only about once a month now. Cis girls douche, cis girls have odor, it goes with the territory...

By all means, put those 'dilators' out with the garbage. Use dildos and vibrators. Post-ops use dilators, it is time to change that mindset, the time to be a patient is long over. Plus, they are metal, and cold, and clinical, and not in the least sexy!

Pure Romance makes some amazing toys, I have 5, mm, maybe six, plus an older one I inherited from my ex, lol. One has a rotating head and a vibrating egg that hits my clitoris just right with the shaft fully inserted and twisting away, and both mechanisms have variable speeds. Get as much bzzzz going in there, and all around that area, as often as you can stand it. I delayed using vibrating toys and it was a mistake, I could have progressed faster with one.

It took me 6 months to have a clitoral orgasm. I had my first internal one, a small one, 11 days post-op while dilating with the little blue dilator, I called him "Mr. Blue", kinda literal, but it made it a bit more personal, ya know? I almost had a clitoral one at about a month, but for some reason, I panicked, and shut it down. It took 6 months for the swelling around  my clit to subside and for enough nerves to reconnect and function before I had a bona fide clitoral orgasm, and it was quite a relief, whew, now big clitoral orgasms are regular and predictable. But it took patience and practice, for sure. So, yeah, I get your pain, I was very worried too.

I have very pleasant feelings during sex, even when I don't orgasm, but I usually do orgasm internally within ten or fifteen minutes of penetration if I am wet enough and had a bit of foreplay. I am still trying to achieve the huge ones I have alone with men, but I am always too busy worrying about whether I am pleasing him, blah blah blah, but I know with work, the right guy, and LOVE, it will become a regular thing someday. I wonder if you are distracted by your wife or your life or your anxiety? Anxiety is the number one climax buster, in my experience.

My point?

Don't give up, sexual dysfunction is common even with cis girls. Be determined that the issues you face can be overcome, but take as much pleasure whenever, and where ever you find it. Consider a sex therapist with post-op experience.

Buy. Some. SEXY. Toys.

Mutual masturbation with your wife may work. Having her do you the way she likes it may work. Remember, a lot of cis girls need at least 30-45 minutes of good, focused sex to get there, maybe you are giving up too soon.

Maybe I am wrong about all my sex advice, I dunno, but hey, I am trying to help, and I hope I have helped.

Good luck, sweetie!

:-) MissyG

The only thing I can add is that I had many hours of electrolysis on my penile shaft and scrotum. I went through about 4 or 5 clearings before it was all gone. I have absolutely no problems with intravaginal hair.

Quote from: Dani on January 18, 2017, 10:43:37 AM
The only thing I can add is that I had many hours of electrolysis on my penile shaft and scrotum. I went through about 4 or 5 clearings before it was all gone. I have absolutely no problems with intravaginal hair.

You are much more brave than I, wow. I can only imagine the pain involved with getting zapped there, omg! Brassard was one of only two surgeons qualified to deal with my particular reconstructive needs, and I was hugely relieved to hear he discouraged electro down there, as that alone may have delayed me indefinitely.

As it is, the hair was more an emotional issue than a practical one, I am happy to say.

Missy

As Post-Op for 39 1/3 years.

I too had some small hairball problems when younger.  But like most all of my body hair went away years ago.  I read that woman shouldn't douche too often.  I just insert fingers in while showering to rinse it out.

As for the orgasms.  When younger I was able to have them somewhat regular.  I was and still not have had any with men.  As the years have progressed, they are less often and harder to achieve.  For me reading good porn, not just viewing, helps me get in the mood.

Did have a surprise recently.  Had a sexual dream and awoke, and realized I had an orgasm and ejaculation.  I guess like a wet dream from my youth, when male hormones ruled.  Does any one else experience that.

It has been so long ago, can't remember much of the male things from back then.