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I was having horrible suicidal thoughts yesterday. It's because I am feeling in crisis on the inside about my marriage. Transition and also some career changes have been bringing up a lot of thoughts. And yesterday I was thinking about the fact that I never wanted to get married in the first place. I was pressured into it. And my wedding day is not a happy memory. My wife broke my trust early on in our relationship and didn't let me set boundaries. I came from an abusive household and she's really bossy. Unfortunately, it makes me angry and resentful and while we get along well as roommates our love life is pretty much nil. Today to be clear I'm feeling better about it but I'm sure the feelings that I've made a mess of my life and there's no hope will come back. One of the big disagreements my wife and I have is that I don't like living in the South and want to leave but she loves it and has also convinced herself that any problems she runs into, like people using 'jew" as a verb, are just as bad anywhere so why move. But I also compromised my career for her (and kept working at a place where I was being bullied daily) and that would be okay if she had a career herself but instead she's turned into an under achiever. She also has a long history of triggering my dysphoria and it a took a long time to get through to her that that's what she was doing. I wanted to cry yesterday because I felt sad and angry but the tears wouldn't come, the first time that's happened to me because of T. OTOH crying wouldn't have really done anything. I don't want to end my marriage, I want to be able to fix it but I'm afraid of all this anger I have.

That's an incredibly tough position to be in. The only thought that comes to mind would be to see if your wife will go to joint marriage counseling. It may or may not help but it's worth a try. I'm sorry I don't have much else besides a virtual hug to offer you.

AnxietyDisord3r, I am so sorry this is happening to you.

Marriage counselling may help. At least it is a neutral place to express all the things that are upsetting you.

When I was suicidal or attempted suicide it was because I could not do what I needed to do for myself. I held back to the point it hurt so much I wanted to end the pain. Please do not get to that point.

living where you feel unsafe or hated and being bullied at work is going to be an ongoing and not a healthy environment. I know two trans at work that were stealth. They were outed and one went to HR. I think that made things worse. The other was open and he did not like it but dealt with it one on one.  Both switched departments and they will never be stealth at work again.

If you both want different things and compromise is not on the table then how will things be in your relationship in 5 years. How will you feel and will that be healthy?

Marriage is about compromise. Counselling may help by making a safe environment and be a place where compromise can occur. When my wife and I went to marriage counselling 30 minutes into the session the counsellor stopped us and recommended we divorce and go our separate ways. I had a temporary therapist ( my therapist was on baby leave) and I explained what the marriage counselor said. She said that was not right. I showed her a series of texts where my wife and I had texted each other. The temporary therapist said we should divorce; it was 25 minutes into the session.

I hope things work out and you are able to compromise. However, sometime it is best when a couple spits up. I too did not want to get married, come from an abusive childhood and was stuck in a relationship that was roommates.   

It sounds like you're very aware of what has been going on in your relationship. And that brings pain no doubt on many levels. Heads up hun, continue to respect and listen to yourself. Getting out of a bad situation and bad habits is usually the first part of our journey. And I'll second marriage therapy. I've found it very helpful to keep things balanced and sane as we figure out if a marriage is the right thing going forward. And it will set the groundwork for a more peaceful dissolution of it should come to that.

Sent from my 0PM92 using Tapatalk

Marriage counseling is probably a good idea.  But that said I would prepare for all contingencies.

I'll be honest here.  My wife did not take my transition well.  It has taken a year for her to understand that this is not a choice for me.  (I too was thinking suicidal thoughts a few months ago.)  She now understands that I need to do this and ever since then we've been (at least I think so) becoming better friends.  The "marriage" is over (intimacy is nothing more than a quick peck and an occasional hug) but the friendship goes on.

One thing that got me over the marriage part was picturing my life "on my own with no one second guessing me."  Just picturing that (over and over) makes it okay now.  9 months ago I was a wreck because of the marriage, not transitioning it was the marriage issue.  Today - not so much.

Summary:  Picture yourself in a Happy Place and try to make it reality.  That will help guide you.

- Dee

We've been to marriage counseling in the past and it did help and we do compromise more but I find myself in a lot of pain about stuff that happened in the past and which impacts the present as well. Lots of things happened when I basically had zero self esteem due to being autistic and rejected all the time and being systemically misgendered by society and my mother. I didn't trust my own senses and reason and thought they were wrong. I'm realizing that my mother's oh so clever campaign to call me "girl" 24/7 (she literally called me that instead of my name, which I've never liked either) had a profound negative effect on my sense of self.

I used to tell myself all the time that gender doesn't matter. But apparently it does matter ... to me.

I bought myself some nice men's shirts at Marshall's (they're flattering despite my big old spare wheel) yesterday and the sensation of crying inside has lessened somewhat. I went to Payless and they had shoe sizes as small as 5 for men's and the clerk called me sir. That felt so good.

Dear Anxiety disorder,

I am sorry for not catching up with you before. You have gone through a hell of a life and some very bad times. I can understand.

May I offer some advice? But before hand qualify it?

I am in many ways the typical MtF with some rape, child abuse and associated stuff thrown in. I'm married, love my wife who is utterly disabled and lives in care. And I'm dealing with a very severe cancer of the throat that looks like a bleak outcome.

I'm also happy.

Why and How is really the important point.

In the end you live for yourself. That does not mean you are selfish, I am not in any way. But I do put my happiness first. If I am happy I can help others, that is important to me.

You sound seriously unhappy and are in a losing situation. To be honest my advice is to leave, find a new life and do it.

That is, I know very tough advice, but to be honest what else do you want to do? Live in misery and accumulated hatred and self imposed guilt or break free and say 'Toss this I have 5, 10, 15, 20 years to live' and decide to do it. Or stay fast and complain?

Complaining is easy, I've done it for ever. Many of us have - I read it every day and I've been here 9 years.
Change is hard. Damn hard.

But I'll give you the offer I gave myself when my very aggressive cancer was diagnosed. I can live for a week, a month, a year; maybe even five! (but I won't live forever) but I'll enjoy the life I have.

It is your call about what to do with your life and no one else's.

I do care and my love
Cindy

Thank you for your reply Cindy. It means a lot to me.

I was so angry yesterday, I wanted to ram my car into oncoming traffic. I think I've bottled up so much frustration over the years and now I'm near my blow point. I'm usually a calm person and I'm scaring myself. My therapist says I should write a letter to my wife that is never sent but I have trouble expressing anything that might hurt her feelings, even theoretically. He was right about one thing, though: I am scared of her. He called it a relationship built on fear.

If you're at the point of wondering if you can actually kill yourself - taking the ultimate risk so to speak - then perhaps you can risk leaving her. Does a relationship built on fear deserve your commitment?

So, it's complicated. I love my wife a great deal. I wrote down a lot of what I was thinking in a secret notebook and the anger calmed down a lot. I love her but I'm not in love with her. I want to have a relationship with her, just not a sexual one. The weird thing is, I think she might be okay to that with a point but I'm not sure I'm okay with her okay with it because I've watched her lose confidence and become a more fearful person as our sex life dried up because sexuality is so important to her. And I don't want to force her to do things she really doesn't want to do. It seems like either I've given up my boundaries to do whatever she said or vice versa. A lot to discuss with the therapist.

Like you I'm on the spectrum, was undiagnosed until recently and certainly had no inkling while I was still married. The process of divorce forced me to address a lot of things which included recognition that my needs do actually matter and making serious changes to my psyche which wound up masking my aspergers. I'm better now that I've realized I communicate differently from most people and also carry the strengths that came from learning how to understand others better.

My ex was abusive and I didn't even see it until after separating a cousin asked me why I had always accepted her being so critical of me. This extended to e.g. criticizing my walking pace, like there's some way I could magically trade my build that's well suited to carrying heavy loads over long distances for her long and lanky legs.

I loved her and was devastated that she wanted to end our relationship and that after 15 years of accusing me of cheating (that I never did) she chose to start seeing another guy. I didn't even care that she wanted another relationship, just couldn't understand how she could be so hypocritical.

My attachment ended the day in joint therapy that she chose to say - not even in anger, rather of hand and callously - that she saw no purpose to working on the relationship, she simply wanted out. The statement and attitude were bad enough but being timed in my 40th birthday made it abundantly clear how little she cared.

Like you I came from an abusive childhood and my low self-esteem made me a perfect target for bullies for most of my life, my ex was the worst if them. You may love this person and you may even be able to find a way to stay with her, however it sounds to me like regaining respect for her is an extremely difficult path.

I can only say that choosing to live for myself has made it possible for me to also live for others and care more deeply than when I was living as a very broken person. For me that included leaving a toxic relationship that I'd still been willing to work for and would have even after her betrayals.

Wishing you the best and virtual hugs, sb

So, earlier than I expected, my wife and I had The Conversation. We are going to split. Right now we are divvying up the house but we will have to separate our finances. I expect this to take a while.

My income is not great and I will have to go back to renting a room, so I got the expected contempt from her for that but there was way less drama than I expected. I was thinking about what happened 10 years ago when I first tried to leave. But she could tell for a while that I was emotionally detaching, so none of this came as a surprise. That was kind of my best case scenario. For a time I was really scared she would react in full "fix it now!" mode.

I had trouble sleeping last night and I think I'm sad and a little worried about what's next. I have to work overtime this spring but that's okay. If I start taking classes again I won't be able to work overtime. If I get funded as a student I'll have even less income. I've already got a GRE test scheduled and I've got my practice test book.

I'm glad the conversation at least went well. It sounds like at least at this point, it went better than expected. I hope everything continues to trend that way moving forward.

As far as what's next - when you're not tied to anyone else you have a lot more freedom to explore different options. You don't have to take her thoughts or feelings into consideration anymore. Are there parts of the country where your skills are maybe in more demand? Is there anything specific you actively want to go to school for, that is in demand?

I was funded as a grad student and have a lot of experience weighing different recruitment packages from grad schools. If you need help evaluating your options when the time comes, let me know. I've got spreadsheets :icon_bumdance-nerd:

It sounds like she was ready for the split too. It is scary to go from a known to unknown even if the known is a not a good situation.

It is very difficult to split when one person is not there yet. In your case it sounds like both of you were ready.

Max,

I was in grad school once before but exited with a GPA of 2.2. So I'm going to have to get creative to go back. Rachel Lynn, SadieBlake, thank you for your comments.

Feeling kind of depressed tonight. I got misgendered a bunch at work this afternoon.

It's morning. Doing better. Had kind of a dark night last night. Money is going to be tight because our light bill is crazy high. Also, I'm paying for her health insurance right now and it is a huge chunk of change. I didn't think she was actually bringing in more money than me but she is, just with no benefits. I want to move out soon but I think I have to stay here and pay rent for a while until we can get this sorted out. Maybe I can make enough OT to keep that from happening. One of the things that happened in the course of this relationship was me ending up in a dead-end job with dead-end job pay. Sure, bus drivers make more in other areas but she wasn't willing to move. I think she can afford the house on her own, though. She'd be really great if she had a renter for a while but I know she won't do that come hell or high water, but she has other ways to make extra money. So if I were just paying my bills and not her bills too I'd come out all right.  :P

I am glad you are feeling better today.

It took a while for my ex and I to sort out things and it will work out. There is a new normal for both.

I know several surgeons at work that I have never seen smile or have a happy face. They look unhappy all the time. Your job is not you nor does it define who you are.

Your story sounds all too familiar. I have something of the same, but history of abuse. No love life. Havent had sex in over a year and I ...well, enough of me, this is about you.
I will tell you what I intended to at the beginning of this thread when I started reading...to get out of the relationship. I know, easier said than done when you're going through it. This is just your beginning...everything you do from now forward...just try to keep focused on the future, and know we're all here for you.

~Trystlynn

Quote from: AnxietyDisord3r on December 03, 2016, 05:24:03 AM
I was having horrible suicidal thoughts yesterday. It's because I am feeling in crisis on the inside about my marriage. Transition and also some career changes have been bringing up a lot of thoughts. And yesterday I was thinking about the fact that I never wanted to get married in the first place. I was pressured into it. And my wedding day is not a happy memory. My wife broke my trust early on in our relationship and didn't let me set boundaries. I came from an abusive household and she's really bossy. Unfortunately, it makes me angry and resentful and while we get along well as roommates our love life is pretty much nil. Today to be clear I'm feeling better about it but I'm sure the feelings that I've made a mess of my life and there's no hope will come back. One of the big disagreements my wife and I have is that I don't like living in the South and want to leave but she loves it and has also convinced herself that any problems she runs into, like people using 'jew" as a verb, are just as bad anywhere so why move. But I also compromised my career for her (and kept working at a place where I was being bullied daily) and that would be okay if she had a career herself but instead she's turned into an under achiever. She also has a long history of triggering my dysphoria and it a took a long time to get through to her that that's what she was doing. I wanted to cry yesterday because I felt sad and angry but the tears wouldn't come, the first time that's happened to me because of T. OTOH crying wouldn't have really done anything. I don't want to end my marriage, I want to be able to fix it but I'm afraid of all this anger I have.

I am so sorry I did not comment immediately when you posted your message on December 3, I believe.
We had two birthday parties that day for my wife. I was pre - occupied.

I am personally familiar with much of your story. My wife is the head strong bull in a china shop personality. What she says, goes around our house. I tried a few times after my near suicide several years ago to bring her to couples counseling, which she has not really wanted to do. She thought it it was all about my "bad behavior and anger" then which was really a response to: no sex other than maybe once a month, she ruined our family finances, she did not accept me crossdressing. We fixed one of those issues. Still sex once a month. She still thinks my need to be female is gone. But we did fix our family finances. Most of all, she has proven she really loves me by not throwing me out after my own suicide attempt.
My response back then several years ago was to commit the rest of my life to a lifetime of service to the world and humanity. I wanted to help old people, become a nurse or nursing assistant, and to volunteer. I had two college degrees. We have been married for more than 40 years! I had spent 30 years in a career involving advertising. I had spent 10 years involving web design. I wound up working at a grocery store serving customers, many of whom are dying of cancer, or homeless, or disabled, or special needs in some way. At times I think my job is way, way below my level of training, background, and skill set. But I think every night when I go to bed that if I had not been there for the people in need who come in to the store, they might have hurt themselves or went hungry.
My wife is still the same type person. But our love has re-blossomed. By my commitment to serve humanity, she has seen a person in me to love and love and love. She may one day accept the Donna in me.

My story is too long for you to read right now, I know.
Let me tell you that I am glad I failed at sending myself through the dining room window in a fit of suicide attempt.
I am glad that my fantasies of running my little motor scooter off the freeway into oncoming traffic never happened.
My wife loves the new me committed to a life of service. So far she has rewarded me with a new and big fast motorcycle. She, without saying words, squeezes my nipple area right before she thinks I am about to climax in our monthly sex. (I know that she knows that I wish I was a woman, but neither of us in our relationship has re-visited my transition needs - YET.)

As I am beginning to love myself again, my wife is loving me in a deeper way again.

The reason I give my personal anecdote is that I want to help you. I want to help your wife.
I care for you.
(Oh, yes, I also want my wife to accept me as Donna.)

One more thing about service to the world.
My silly, silly son. He is so naive, he thinks that all transgender leanings can be solved by a commitment to a lifetime of service to humanity. He is so blind. I do service to the world now. But my NEED TO LIVE AS A WOMAN HAS NOT GONE AWAY! I am a transgender woman. Close to ten co-workers at my place of employment, a grocery store, know I am transgender and I identify as female. Only one man knows at work. He wants to be a friend and come to my beach place. I told him that my neighbors at the beach know my as Donna. He gave me a fist bump. We are cool.
But nothing, nothing makes a person's desire to live in the person's gender of choice go away. Nothing.

Donna, I did read your story. Like you, I find a lot of purpose in service to others. It's part of what motivates me as a bus driver. I had to remind myself of that sometimes when I was new and customers were giving me a lot of grief for being a bad driver.

I feel like I need to get out of this house ASAP but I don't even have a new place lined up yet. I don't feel emotionally safe. Yesterday was grueling and she slipped into this behavior pattern where she NEEDED me so the fact that I was hurting DIDN'T MATTER. But I stood up for myself and calmly insisted I was leaving. I called the crisis center line and we talked until I realized I was despairing because I had ended the relationship yet the behaviors that caused me to end the relationship were continuing. And I was hurt because I felt like nobody in the whole world stands up for ME. I know I can stand up for myself now. But it hurts that even my mother and father won't do it. (Mom is a narcissist, she won't. Dad I guess is just underdeveloped as a person because I know that deep down he does care.) And here this person who says she still "lights up like a Christmas tree" when she sees me is willing to hurt me that badly. I told her I was coming unglued inside. That's what it felt like. And while I'm happy that it's a new day, I'm still very shaky inside. Last night was very scary.

I called a friend who lives in another city and they offered to let me crash at their place, and I know they absolutely mean it, but the drive is a little too far. I also called my aunt in Chicago, my closest family (emotionally) and she wants me to come visit as soon as I can. That will probably be spring because the weather messed me up last time I visited Chicago in the winter.

I guess I needed to vent. Been crying a lot. And Donna, I don't know how someone would end a 40 year relationship. After 10+ years it's absolutely grueling, 40 would be like cutting a heart out. I hope your wife is able to accept you.

I am so sorry seeing how much pain and angst you are in AnxietyDisord3r. Any sort of break is usually difficult. Marriages worse so, especially one that been around more then a year or two. By your accounts this was a long time coming with only one of the partners willing to make any sort of compromises. My prayers are with you

You did make an interesting statement:

Quote from: AnxietyDisord3r on December 11, 2016, 04:52:19 AM
...because I had ended the relationship yet the behaviors that caused me to end the relationship were continuing. And I was hurt because I felt like nobody in the whole world stands up for ME. I know I can stand up for myself now.

After a long distance marriage lasting several years as I worked out of state, during which I discovered I needed to take on the Trans-Beast for real, I got a golden job opportunity back an old place I was at before. This meant back living with my wife who stayed behind to bark at strangers walking in front of the house we could not sell. Back to my wife whose relationship with I strained by being an jerk (she shares some blame). Back to a wife who reluctantly was accepting my new Trans status vs being just a (very) part-time CD.

Still to this day 3 1/2 years later my greatest fear is me reverting back to the thing I was. A fear I guess like a prisoner let out after a few years and back in the ole neighborhood hanging out with the old crew. After years of being one way around people you tend to stay that way around them. A sort of Momentum. Very human, perhaps more so for trans people since we spent a good part of our lives living up to "Others Expectations"

It is so easy at an intellectual level to say or think "I need to change. I need to do X, Y and Z. I need to...." It does take a lot of effort just to realize needs like this. It is a MONUMENTAL task to actually try doing them in hopes of succeeding.  A major ingredient for success is:
"Standing Up For ME"

Major kudos to you for finding that ingredient way back there on the shelf. Try not to forget where it was.

Yeah, it's tough. I keep losing my faith and looking to regain it. I have a lot going for me, I'm more than capable. I just have to believe it.

Good stuff keeps happening to me career wise since the breakup, don't know what to make of this. During the day I feel optimistic, even elated. When the sun goes down I get anxious and all my fears come back--I'll be alone, I'll be depressed, I'll fail. Don't know what to make of my fear of the dark either.

I feel like my wife was so high maintenance emotionally that she consumed me and I think I wanted to be consumed at first because I didn't like myself but now I'm thinking I'm not so bad and I want to be me and this relationship didn't work any more.

Quote from: AnxietyDisord3r on December 14, 2016, 08:46:18 PM
Good stuff keeps happening to me career wise since the breakup, don't know what to make of this. During the day I feel optimistic, even elated. When the sun goes down I get anxious and all my fears come back--I'll be alone, I'll be depressed, I'll fail. Don't know what to make of my fear of the dark either.

I feel like my wife was so high maintenance emotionally that she consumed me and I think I wanted to be consumed at first because I didn't like myself but now I'm thinking I'm not so bad and I want to be me and this relationship didn't work any more.

I was in a tenuous at best relationship with my wife as well as a long (365 mile door to door) distance marriage with my wife.

"When the Sun GOES DOWN".... Oiy. Too much "Quality Time" alone w/ your thoughts. Where is that bottle of Yukon Jack?  :o

What kept me strong in my convictions was knowing WHAT DOES NOT WORK. I spent decades trying things one way with out success.  After relative, days, trying things another way I found Joy. I eventually experienced the joy of being ME in the real real world I live in....

I was also SCARED S%!T

If you are NOT you... What, or Who, are you are you for her?

More IMPORTANT... What YOU are you for you?  (Yeah.. I should ask...)

I struggle every day resolving these. How to balance Survival vs... Existence. Only you can can make the Hard Calls. There have been times I relished being able to be a "Mr Fixit" for my girlfriends. TBH - WHATEVER problem you think you have, it is Nuttin compared to what you're fixing. Being "Consumed" and solving another's problem is a great diversion from your own. Yours is complicated, theirs, simple to "Fix".

TBH - If my wife did not feel as she does about me and my "Elevated" Cd to Trans status... Without her brutal honesty and love, I doubt I'll be here typing this. Offing myself would far far easier then the all the challenges I need elevate myself above in order to preserve ALL that I define as ME....

The .38, the 40KV & 500 Joules  I can "arrange at work, or that intersection of I68 & I70 I can vaporize my car?  Only one leaves no one cleanly else but ME responsible for the choice to END my life.

It isn't, nor will it likely EVER, work for HER and you.

Quote from: JoanneB on December 14, 2016, 10:01:41 PM
TBH - WHATEVER problem you think you have, it is Nuttin compared to what you're fixing. Being "Consumed" and solving another's problem is a great diversion from your own. Yours is complicated, theirs, simple to "Fix".

Very true.

QuoteTBH - If my wife did not feel as she does about me and my "Elevated" Cd to Trans status... Without her brutal honesty and love, I doubt I'll be here typing this. Offing myself would far far easier then the all the challenges I need elevate myself above in order to preserve ALL that I define as ME....

The .38, the 40KV & 500 Joules  I can "arrange at work, or that intersection of I68 & I70 I can vaporize my car?  Only one leaves no one cleanly else but ME responsible for the choice to END my life.

It isn't, nor will it likely EVER, work for HER and you.

Well, I'm glad you're still with us!